The Purgatory Podcast

Everyone who listens to this podcast gets into heaven. We have our own fucked up little commune there. It actually sucks.

Podcasts these days are so small they fit right in your phone. Back in my day you had to know a guy with a truck and have him haul one to your house.

I'm still trying to figure out when this airs in Mountain Time. TV Guide's giving me nothing.

AI tried to ingest this episode but it made it sick and now the tech dystopia takeover is cancelled. I definitely meant to do that.

Back in the early days of this podcast, you had to listen to it through a cup attached to a string that was hidden deep in a remote forest or have it whispered to you from a disembodied voice coming out of a sewer grate. Kids have no idea how easy they have it these days.

The focus groups said this version of the episode was marginally better than my other idea which was to pretend to fall asleep until people stop listening and leave me alone.

I can't be sued for libel or slander because this episode was recorded while standing in a puddle and therefore falls under maritime law.

Purgatory Podcast Tip #41: Collect blue coins to earn 10 points. Points can be used to upgrade your weapons and armor to defeat the podcast.

This Memorial Day, don't forget those who laid down their lives in the Storage Wars.

Listen to this entire episode at .005x speed to unlock the "Slow and Steady Wins the Race" Achievement.

This episode is available in Senso-Surround 16.1 format which requires a specialized machine that shorts out all the fuses in your house and makes you have weird nightmares if you sleep too close to it.

This week's episode description is brought to you by the Ghoul of Eerie Silence, who would like to say:

Listeners who own parrots tell me they repeat what I say on my podcast and end up in jail (bird wing) which I recognize is a serious 1st Amendment violation but at the same time it's really funny that it's called "bird wing."

Because of the butterfly effect, every time I upload a new episode there's an earthquake in Indonesia. They said they're cool with it though.

Stumbled across this episode while digging through last year’s Easter basket for leftovers to eat. Also, unrelated but I think I have to go to the hospital forever.

Look to your left. Now look to your right. Both of these people will die having never listened to this podcast. That's why you're better than them and should have more rights.

Dreams are so strange. For example, I recently had to present a report on Napoleon I didn't prepare for while nude in front of twelve grey aliens and everyone from high school. Then I went home to take a nap and dreamed up the idea for this episode.

Under the right conditions, this podcast can be converted into a gas. If you figure out how to do it you’ll be just like those Chinese scientists whose mysterious deaths I know nothing about.

The episode description for this week was written on a napkin that was eaten by alligators after I accidentally dropped it in a swamp. It was whispered into a tornado which destroyed the words instantly as they left my mouth. It was run over by a monster truck seven hundred times. Sorry. It was really good too.

The word podcast should be an acronym: P = Podcast. O = Can't think of one. D = Not sure. C = Don't know. A = Can't think of one. S = Can't think of one. T = Telephone (What you listen to a podcast on.) Thank you.

Who needs to exercise their civil and human rights when you can just listen to a podcast instead?

Wish I knew talking into a microphone allows it to steal your soul. Would have at least tried to make the podcast good.

This podcast is so old it was around when there was still only one Massachusett.

It sucks that this episode will be used against me in the final judgment but at least it will be counted as another listen.

Tried sending this episode back in time but they sent it back (?)

Everyone who listens to this episode will have good luck for the next 100 years. After that you're on your own.

This podcast was nominated for the [REDACTED] awards. I haven't found out whether I won or not because I'm still waiting on the FOIA request.

Please stop ringing bells, at this point the angels have way too many wings and it’s starting to get scary.

Back in the day, every box of Cracker Jacks would come with an episode of The Purgatory Podcast inside. Not anymore though. Now we live in hell.

I just now realized that “Moons over my Hammy” is a reference to Moon Over Miami. Why don’t they teach this in school? Instead of "geography."

0 out of 10 dentists recommend this podcast all because I suffer from something called "Viral cavities" that can be spread via the sound of my voice.

My solo breaking of the wishbone attempt this year was foiled by my greatest enemy -- myself.

Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind every podcaster is a horrible monster named The Podbeast who whispers ideas for new episodes to me every night.

I heard they're going to round up all the podcasters and take us to a farm upstate where we can run around and recite Squarespace ad copy to our heart's content.

This episode comes with batteries installed. They’re expanding a little bit but it’s probably because they’re filled with good content.

Trick or treat? Neither. I choose love.

They had to create a new podcast category on iTunes for this podcast called "guy talking who sounds like he has a dog's brain." Always thought of myself as more of a Miscellaneous type of guy but whatever.

All of the background actors in this podcast are making way too much money for an audio-only podcast and they use my bathroom too much. I need to make better decisions.

I was distracted during this episode by a cartoon thought bubble that appeared over my head containing disturbing images of me successfully dropping anvils on the Road Runner. I swear those weren't my thoughts... I don't understand why I saw those things... I'm shaking...

This episode is gluten free, which means I’m free to put gluten in it if I want. And I did.

Yeah this is a self-help podcast alright… you can “help” your “self” to this week’s episode or whatever you weirdos are doing with these.

This episode weighs in at a pound and a half so it will make your phone unbearably heavy if you're one of those people with heavy-ass phone cases. You know who you are. I see you.

If everyone who listens to the podcast gave me $100 it would end all death on earth in perpetuity. Why would I lie about this?

This episode would have brought down the Berlin Wall if Gorbachev hadn't beat me to the punch. Could have waited to let me have a go at it.

If this were olden times I'd trade you this podcast episode for three beans. They'd call this episode a three-beaner.

They're just letting anyone have a podcast these days. It shouldn’t be this easy. You should at least have to fill out forms at the post office or something first.

You know what they say: you can't spell podcast without p, o, d, c, a, s and t. I've tried. It's futile. 

To each person who listens to this episode, I'll nod approvingly in whatever direction I think you are relative to me. Because I actually care about my listeners.

Every episode of this show is over budget because I have to use special production techniques to hide the fact that I'm actually just an infant crying and screaming and not an adult man with thoughts. There are plugins for this.

My life is just like a movie (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, 1990)