The Reconnection Club Podcast

One of the hardest things to understand if you didn't abuse your child or children, is that their estrangement may still be a way of protecting themselves. Although there are estranged adult children with horrific stories of abuse and neglect, they are not the only ones creating distance from parents and family. Parents of all backgrounds, temperaments, disciplinary styles and socioeconomic levels are being held at arm's length by adult children who were not abused, and yet are motivated by self-protection. They're not lying. They just might be talking about factors that are all but invisible to you, and even to other family members. In this cornerstone two-part episode (Part 2 releases June 15, 2026), you'll learn about relationship dynamics that may be unfamiliar or challenging, that could contribute to your adult child's going no-contact or low-contact. Once you understand what they're protecting themselves from, you can begin the work of reducing the impact of those factors, and healing your relationship. For much more evidence-based information and tools to repair the parent-adult child relationship, read host Tina Gilbertson's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child:  https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe Reconnection Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join: https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack: https://tinagilbertson.substack.com

In this thoughtful remake of Episode 3, RC Podcast host and therapist Tina Gilbertson walks listeners through some of the most common mistakes parents make when adult children become estranged. As a parent, sometimes you have to avoid words and actions that might come naturally if you want to successfully reconnect. Steering clear of anything that could make your adult child's estrangement worse is obviously important. This helpful episode will guide you away from common pitfalls, and toward more productive action. Be sure to check out the all links below after listening. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. (Find it on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe) Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. https://reconnectionclub.com Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack. https://tinagilbertson.substack.com EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep 120: Rules of Thumb Are Not Rules https://reconnectionclub.com/120 Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 144: What's Your Strategy https://reconnectionclub.com/144 Reconnection Club Podcast Episode 172: When to Respect a No-Contact Request https://reconnectionclub.com/172 Don't Be in a Hurry to Apologize to an Estranged Adult Child  https://reconnectionclub.com/dont-rush-apology What Does a No-Contact Request Sound Like? https://reconnectionclub.com/nocontact-request Why We Act Impulsively (And How Not To) https://reconnectionclub.com/threat-response Top 7 Mistakes downloadable handout https://reconnectionclub.com/top7 Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe The Reconnection Club Podcast https://reconnectionclub.com/podcast The Reconnection Club https://reconnectionclub.com

Estranged adult children might say to their parents, "You brought this on yourselves" – referring to parental behaviors that contributed to their need for space. But parents may say the same thing to adult children who choose estrangement, and then discover they're still unhappy: "You're bringing this on yourself (by keeping your distance)." Where do we go from here? It's a stalemate. But the question of who "brings estrangement on themselves" is far less relevant to reconciliation, than whether we can find compassion for everyone who contributes to their own suffering in any way. Because "everyone" is us. In this thoughtful, mind-changing episode, psychotherapist and host Tina Gilbertson urges listeners not to withhold compassion from themselves and others, even when problems appear to be self-inflicted. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child.  Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack.  

Episode 1 Redux Most parents who are unwillingly estranged from their adult children worry about time passing while they're estranged. They know life is short. Grandchildren grow up fast. Time is not unlimited. This makes parents anxious to reconnect, which is understandable. But acting on anxiety too often leads to ineffective behaviors. In this revitalization of a classic episode, RC Podcast host Tina Gilbertson, LPC, offers thoughts on why Time can be a friend to parents in pain over estrangement. She names five different gifts that Time can bestow, and suggests how parents can make use of them while estranged. This soothing episode will help listeners treat the time they have as truly precious, encouraging them not to lose opportunities by helplessly longing for change. For evidence-based information and tools to repair your relationship with your estranged adult child(ren), read Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child (Amazon link: https://amzn.to/2ZhetMe ) Club members can discuss this and every episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club at https://reconnectionclub.com/community/forum/general. Not a member yet? Learn more and join at https://reconnectionclub.com. Follow Tina Gilbertson on Substack: https://tinagilbertson.substack.com. EPISODE LINKS: Reconnection Club Podcast Ep. 155: Good Grief - https://reconnectionclub.com/155  

TRANSCRIPT: These are uncertain times for those of us who create and freely share content via the Internet. I mentioned on the podcast earlier this year that I needed some time to assess the impact of all the changes happening in the world of digital information, including the widespread, unregulated use of AI. At that time, I removed the show from a couple of the larger platforms, and stopped releasing new episodes to those platforms. Unfortunately, many smaller platforms were also affected. And that's made it a lot harder for the show to be found by new listeners, which is a dilemma I'm still wrestling with.  Because it's become clear that even more changes are necessary to protect the integrity of this podcast, even while making sure that you, the listener, can still access it. So here's the current plan.  Starting with Episode 177, which will be released on July 29th, 2024, new episodes will appear in more places, but with certain exceptions, they will expire when the next episode is released. And beginning immediately, I'm going to start expiring some of the older episodes – again, with certain exceptions. Namely, the following:  - If you're used to listening to the videos on our YouTube channel, or ... - If you listen on the Reconnection Club website... Nothing will change for you. There will be no expiration and you can disregard this entire announcement. (Again, that is if you listen on either our YouTube channel, or our website.) However, if you use a podcast player app like iHeartRadio or Pocket Casts, then new episodes starting with 177 will typically be available for only two weeks, and then they will expire.  There are ways to get around that two-week time limit. Within those first two weeks, you should still be able to download episodes and keep them for however long you want, depending on the app. Please check on that directly with your app. I don't have that information. But if you ever lose an episode or can't find one that you're looking for, remember you can always find every single episode, old and new, on the Reconnection Club website, at reconnectionclub.com/podcast, or by episode number, for example, "reconnectionclub.com/130" for Episode 130. Or, subscribe to our YouTube channel for free and listen there. I know that episode expiration will not be a welcome change, and I thank you for your understanding and patience as I try to strike a balance between limiting unauthorized access by AI, and preserving your access to the podcast as a listener.  I also thank you for sharing the Reconnection Club Podcast with other parents experiencing unwanted estrangement from their adult children.  Thank you for your continued support in these challenging times. 

There are many more episodes to come! To find ALL episodes of the Reconnection Club Podcast, go to Reconnectionclub.com/podcast.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the 3rd and final episode of this series, you'll find out why it's important to go through the steps in order, and not to enter Step 3 prematurely. By the time you get to this last step, you should already have completed 90% of the work of reconnection -- even without your adult child's participation. Tina cautions that many rejected parents go through the steps backwards, expending energy in fruitless efforts for which they haven't yet built a foundation. You'll also hear about three different traps that parents can fall into, in trying to repair an estrangement. Once you've spent constructive time in Steps 1 and 2, you'll be prepared for Step 3, which should be the easiest of the three, if approached in order.

Episodes 97, 98 and 99 form a 3-part series outlining an overall stepwise approach to reconnecting with your estranged adult child. In the first episode, Tina explains why it's important to slow down and avoid acting impulsively, from a place of desperation. This foundational episode provides a rationale for Step 1, and then lists specific tasks appropriate for this first phase of responding to your adult child's estrangement. You'll learn why it's necessary to pay attention to your nervous system, and how best to avoid unnecessary suffering. (According to Buddhism, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional.) Reconnection Club members can find an annotated guide to the Road Map, with links to Tina's favorite resources, inside the Reconnection Club.  

This week's episode begins with an assertion that neither pain nor compassion is a zero-sum commodity. Estranged adult child are in some ways wounded by the relationship they share with their parents. Most people in this position are in pain over the necessity of estrangement. Acknowledging that fact, we can still find compassion for the rejected parent who finds himself left behind. It's usually the case that he did the best he knew how to do, and didn't mean to hurt his child(ren). Estrangement involves pain on both sides. Tina talks about three separate types of parental pain, which she suggests exist at deeper and deeper levels in the parent. If you're hurting over the relationship with your adult child or children, this episode is a must-listen.

The parent-child relationship is not like any other. In so many ways, your role has always been a more demanding one than your child's. If you were lucky, you had no responsibility for your parents when you were growing up; they took care of you, and not the other way around. Parents care for their children, and children are cared for by parents. There's something inherently asymmetrical about the relationship. That dynamic gets etched into both of your psyches as your child grows to maturity. And even though she's now an adult, she's never going to be exactly like your peers. Tina describes the ways and means that parents shoulder the burden of steering relationships with their children. It's clear that although parents and children are not exactly peers, even in adulthood, parents trade the responsibilities of parenting for the honor of being irreplaceable. Most of us have just one of each parent. Never believe you're interchangeable with anyone else in your adult child's life.

Once you start learning, growing and healing through estrangement from an adult child, you might feel like sharing new insights with your child. Why wouldn't s/he be interested in hearing what you've learned? And how exciting, to have new knowledge that can create a positive impact in your relationship. That's why many parents ask, "How do I let my estranged adult child know I've changed, if we're not currently in contact?" Tina's answer is, "Don't be in a hurry to do that." Find out why you might want to wait on writing them a note about the work you've been doing, and what to do instead. For practical tips on how to repair an estranged relationship with your adult child(ren), see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. Reconnection Club members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join.

Weekly episodes will continue through May 31st, but after that, the next new episode will come out the first Monday in September. Tina is available over the summer (or winter if you're in the Southern Hemisphere) for private consultation. Also, the Reconnection Club is open to all parents who've listened to the podcast and read Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child. The Club offers even more resources created by Tina, along with a friendly community of parents experiencing estrangement from their adult children. For information about private consultation with Tina, go to tinagilbertson.com/consultation. To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

It's not uncommon for parents rejected by adult children to feel humiliated by the experience of estrangement. And humiliation is a terrible feeling for anyone. So when you're faced with the idea of approaching your estranged adult child(ren) with humility, you might think, 'Why on earth would I sign up for that?' And also, 'I've still got my pride,' and perhaps also, 'I'm not giving up my dignity along with my child(ren).' But humility is not the same as feeling humiliated. Humility empowers, rather than disempowering, those who adopt it as an attitude. In this thought-provoking episode, Tina breaks down the differences and offers a clear illustration of the power of humility. Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child.

Parents of estranged adult children often get no response to messages they send. With every lack of response, parents become more and more discouraged. They take their child's silence as continued rejection, and they start to feel powerless. While it's true that adult children often don't respond if they don't like the message, there are other reasons why they might not reply, even if the messages lands well. In this inspiring episode, Tina suggests that getting a response shouldn't be considered the only measure of success. As long as they know their messages are helping to restore the relationship, parents can feel good about what they send. If you're thinking of offering an apology, or if you've sent apologies in the past without apparent effect, make sure you know the elements of an effective apology. (Go to https://reconnectionclub.com/87 for a link to Lesson 1 of the Reconnection Club apology course.) That's just one example of how parents can educate themselves to become confident in what they're sending to their estranged adult children. Make sure everything you send during an estrangement is both heartfelt and on target.

If you've been in the Reconnection Club environment long enough, you're probably on board with the idea of taking your estranged adult child's point of view. You want to be supportive, to validate his thoughts and feelings, while you work on repairing the relationship. But how do you do that in the face of poor behavior, without feeling like a doormat? In this week's show, Tina looks at 3 scenarios where parents are vulnerable to feeling like doormats: - Your adult child only contacts you when she needs something, then disappears again. - Your child uses foul language when he speaks to you, but you don't want to complain and risk losing contact. - You send invitations and wait for responses that never come, so you never know whether to set another place at the table. With these examples in mind, learn how to strike a balance between being supportive and being walked on.

Many parents rejected by an adult child are committed to working toward a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. But they recognize that even if they work very hard and do everything right, reconciliation can take more time than they'd like. Some estranged adult children simply need more time before they're ready to try again. They may be too busy or too anxious right now to take the relationship off the back burner and re-engage. This leaves parents with nothing to do but wait. Or does it? For unwillingly estranged parents, waiting should not be a passive enterprise. If you're waiting to hear from your child, don't waste valuable time. You could be preparing right now for a better outcome in the future. In this episode, Tina explains why parents should spend their "waiting" time constructively and offers specific suggestions for things you can do. You'll be lucky if you have the time to do the recommended homework before your child comes back. If you do, it will make all the difference in a successful reconciliation. Members can discuss this episode in the General Discussion forum inside the Reconnection Club. Not a member yet? Learn more and join. Check out Tina's book, Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child

You'd be surprised how many estranged adult children come from close families. It's a myth that parents must have been toxic and abusive for adult children to seek estrangement. Sometimes the very closeness that characterizes a family is what underlies the adult child's need for distance. But how can that be? Aren't close families good for children? Yes, close families are wonderful environments for children to grow up in. But not every family is close in the right way for children to thrive. In this episode, Tina distinguishes between closeness and enmeshment. While closeness is healthy and feels good for everyone involved, enmeshment pumps the brakes on individuality and autonomy, especially in children. The closeness that parents enjoy in enmeshed families may be experienced by children as control or benign oppression. As always, Tina offers hope for parents to turn things around.

How can they do this? Is it really okay with them? Are they happy? Research suggests answers to these questions, and Tina shares the information in this informative episode.

Estrangement from your adult child may or may not include verbal assaults from him or her, featuring foul language. If you're faced with this kind of behavior, given the current estrangement, what's the best way to respond? You don't want to push your child further away. But does that mean you have to tolerate whatever language they may fling at you in a text? In this episode, Tina offers a 2-part response for parents. Her approach takes into account both your family's communication history and the importance of healthy boundaries, even during estrangement. Don't continue to put up with rude behavior. Know where your limits are, and calmly assert them. Do this with your child, your spouse or partner, other family members and friends. Setting boundaries, if you do it in the spirit of building better relationships, will not damage your bond with your adult children. Use the examples given in this episode to set your own boundaries around the disrespectful use of foul language. In the spirit of picking your battles, Tina also offers an opinion regarding your adult child's use of "snarky tones" with you.

Estrangement doesn't happen on a whim. If your adult child has cut ties with you at the moment, he has reasons that make sense to him, and that are probably long-standing. In order for the estrangement to end, those reasons usually need to be addressed and neutralized. Many parents rejected by their adult children are in such a hurry to end the estrangement that they don't take sufficient time to investigate the "why" of what happened. They miss opportunities to understand and correct missteps that led to problems in the first place. Even if they search high and low for the cause of their children's behavior, parents as a group tend to look in the wrong places for the causes of estrangement. In this informative episode, Tina helps parents slow down and focus their efforts where they'll be most fruitful. If you can pinpoint the real cause(s) of your adult child's desire for distance, you can start building a better experience for both of you in the future.

Mothers and daughters have the potential for a very close, lifelong relationship. But not every mother-daughter pair enjoys a harmonious, supportive bond. You may have seen your friends get together with their grown daughters, and watched them with envy. Your daughter, in contrast, has become estranged. How did this happen, and why? If the mother-daughter bond is supposed to be so close, why do so many mothers and daughters become estranged? Mother-daughter relationship coach Rosjke Hasseldine has some important thoughts on that question, and she shares them in this episode. Listen to an excerpt from Tina's interview with Rosjke, who is also the author of The Mother-Daughter Puzzle and The Silent Female Scream. In this excerpt you'll hear Rosjke discussing the roots of conflict between mothers and daughters – what often goes wrong in this very special relationship, and why the problem extends beyond just you and your daughter.

It's common for rejected parents who are unwillingly estranged from an adult child to feel utterly powerless. And that's a horrible feeling in the face of a breach in an important relationship. But there are three specific assumptions parents make that leave them truly powerless. These insidious assumptions are: Your child's estrangement is entirely about something that happened in the past, Someone else is controlling (or has brainwashed) your child, and Your child has a personality disorder that's making him act this way. Each of these assumptions in the parent says, in effect, "This estrangement in entirely beyond my control." Only when parents give up any hope of having a positive impact on their troubled relationship, are they truly powerless to heal estrangement from their adult children. The other episode mentioned on this show was Episode #62, Personality Disorders and Estrangement.

It's the festive season – always a complicated time for people experiencing estrangement from family. The holidays are full of friendship, gift-giving, celebrating and creating memories. But for parents rejected by one or more of their adult children, it can feel wrong to participate. Having a good time feels … unseemly. How can parents enjoy themselves when such an important relationship is in trouble? Don't they miss their children? Don't they love them? In this episode, Tina suggests that it's not only okay, but healthy and important, for rejected parents to enjoy themselves during estrangement. The holidays are a good time to practice this. But throughout the year, if you're too sad to participate in good times and creating happy memories with others, you're adding to your pain and loss. According to Tina, you deserve better. She outlines three typical reasons why parents find it hard to let loose, and counters them with common sense and compassion. This inspiring episode will give you permission to go ahead and enjoy yourself this holiday season, and beyond.

Your adult child, who's always been such an empathetic soul, has ruthlessly cut you off. How can such an empathetic person have no empathy for the parents who raised him? Doesn't he care that he's hurting you? It seems like a mystery. The problem of empathy is that it can't coexist with estrangement. To be empathetic, you have to stop being estranged. But if contact is painful for you, then it's a win-lose situation. Either the parent "wins" because the child is back in contact, or the child "wins" the prize of the distance she desired. In either case, someone loses. Tina explains this painful dilemma in this interesting episode.

It's painful when estranged adult children don't respond to invitations at the holidays. At this time of year, even a video chat would be meaningful in lieu of a family gathering. If you've issued an invitation and not heard back, you have plenty of company. It's frustrating and hurtful. Why do they do it? In this episode of the podcast, Tina suggests three reasons why an otherwise polite adult child might fail to respond to invitations during estrangement. If you haven't already sent one out, Tina recommends not issuing invitations to estranged adult child. However, she does give two exceptions to this general rule.

When you go in for a vaccination, the nurse might tell you to relax just before he gives you the needle. Obviously, relaxing is not natural in a situation like this. And yet resisting the needle creates tension, and may even make the shot more painful. Resistance is not only futile, it often creates more pain than does acceptance. Thus, acceptance of a painful process can actually make it less painful than resistance. There's a lesson here for parents of estranged adult children. They naturally resist silence, the inherent rejection, and the estrangement itself. Importantly, parents also resist their estranged adult children's versions of the relationship. They defend themselves against unfair or inaccurate depictions of themselves as parents and as people. And while this is natural, it may not be the best response to estrangement. Nor is it the best response to any unwanted situation. In this episode, Tina urges you to embrace the current reality of estrangement from your child, in order to find peace and freedom in an otherwise losing battle with reality. She explains why acceptance doesn't mean giving up. For more on handling estrangement from your adult child, see Tina's book, Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child: Practical Tips and Tools to Heal Your Relationship.

It's not unusual at all for an adult child to cut off parents after getting into therapy. And the cut-off may extend to other family members and even old friends. When this happens, it's tempting to blame it on therapy. Your child was fine and so was your relationship, until he went into counseling. If it seems your child has been brainwashed by a counselor or therapist and that's why she's become estranged from family, that's understandable. But there are underlying assumptions there that might simply not be true. One is that your child's therapist is not an ethical professional. And another is that estrangement is not your child's own idea. Both of these are statistically questionable, as Tina points out in this informative episode.

Will your estranged child send you birthday wishes this year? Should you celebrate your child's birthday even though she's not currently speaking to you? How do you survive not only your own birthday without them, but theirs? Estrangement doesn't respect birthdays. In many or perhaps most cases, you'll be disappointed if you expect your child to contact you on your birthday, or answer a text from you on theirs. For tips on whether to send something on your child's birthday, listen to Episode 33. This episode (#59) is all about how to survive the day well, and even have a good and meaningful birthday, while you're estranged. The key is to take responsibility for your own experience, and plan ahead.

One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation. It's not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively. You won't want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.One of the hardest things about being estranged from your adult child is the feeling of rejection that often accompanies the enforced separation. It's not easy to live with the pain of rejection day after day. So in this episode, Tina offers five specific ways to cope constructively. You won't want to miss this show if the sense of rejection is getting to you.

Reconciling with your estranged adult child may be the brass ring, but once you attain it, you find that another phase of estrangement has just begun. Reconciliation is a process, not an event. It can be a phase that lasts quite a long time. It's challenging. It's confusing. That's why Tina created this episode. In it she shares a few simple truths about the marathon of reconciliation – things to keep in mind during the process. If you're feeling uncomfortable around your child, If your child seems to be testing you with her behavior, These could simply be aspects of a natural process unfolding. As always, Tina advises the judicious and continuing use of apologies to smooth the rough edges of interactions. But it's also possible to overdo it, and in this episode, she offers a word of caution about that. If possible, she says, once you've educated yourself about the process, try to hold it loosely. You don't have to be perfect, just do your best.

Not every parent estranged from an adult has received a request for no contact. If you have, then the most appropriate response might be to acknowledge the request and take a step back for a while. But if your adult child just seems less interested in the relationship and won't tell you why, or hasn't indicated that you shouldn't reach out now and then, you can engage in thoughtful contact without making the estrangement worse, by applying some of Tina's 10 rules of thumb for communicating with estranged adult children. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list

Estranged adult children often fail to return texts. This is true even if parents are requesting a simple,  one-word answer. Why do otherwise kind and polite young people refuse to offer their parents the courtesy of a brief reply? It turns out that a text is not just a text. It represents your relationship, and reflects what's going on at the moment. Tina explains why asking for a return text is actually asking for more than just time. The whole process of communication is fraught with complex dynamics, especially when relations are strained to begin with. After listening to this episode, you may be able to give your confused brain a rest from trying to solve this head-scratching puzzle. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

There's a special type of pain reserved for parents who still have contact with their adult children, but feel disconnected anyway. Tina calls this sense of distance "emotional estrangement," meaning that the distance between you and your child is not physical, but emotional. This condition can happen following a physical estrangement, or it can constitute the estrangement itself. In this episode, Tina posits 5 potential sources of emotional estrangement: An elephant in the room Feeling like strangers Hurt feelings Life circumstances Implicit boundary setting Click on the player below to listen. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

Tina talks through three ideas from How to Win Friends and Influence People that you can begin to implement today. Use these tips to meet the needs of your estranged adult child and draw them back into connection with you in an honest and generous way. If you like the idea of attracting your adult child with sincere attempts to meet his or her emotional needs, you're in the right place with the Reconnection Club. Learn more at https://reconnectionclub.com/learn-more

For parents estranged from adult children, the concept of independence is often overlooked. But cultivating independence can have a positive impact on a rejected parent's quality of life. That includes how you handle unwanted estrangement.

"To the world's best mom..." If you ever received a note like this from your child, you might be wondering, how on earth did that adoring child become the silent, unyielding estranged adult she is today? How did you fall so far from grace, without doing anything differently? Tina suggests there are two main reasons for this seeming discrepancy in your child's feelings.

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." For parents of estranged adult children, this is one of the most practical and powerful tips available to help them in their quest for reconciliation. While this bit of wisdom didn't originate with Stephen R. Covey, there's a very good reason why he made it one of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Seeking first to understand is rocket fuel for relationships. But as Tina points out in this episode, it's hard to put "seek first to understand" into practice. Learn how to reconnect with your child by joining the Reconnection Club, an online school and support hub for parents estranged from adult children. Learn more at reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

In this episode, Tina describes specific problems created during estrangement by the parent's low self-esteem, and what you can do to improve your self-concept. She also talks about why adult children become estranged after going into therapy. It may not be why you think it is.

Tina often says that reconciliation is a process, not an event. In this episode, she discusses specific stages of learning that parents must traverse in order to get to the ultimate prize of permanent reconciliation with their children.

Have you ever sent a text or email to your estranged adult child that you later regretted? Most rejected parents have done something like this at one time or another. If you haven't yet, you probably will… unless you listen to this episode.

Estrangement from an adult child is difficult, but when a birthday comes around, it becomes complicated as well. Should you send her a gift? A card? An email? Or nothing at all? What's the etiquette for recognizing an estranged child's birthday? There's no rulebook to go by, but common sense suggests that there are two ways to handle birthdays during an estrangement. The first is to respect your child's request for no contact. This keeps it simple, but what if it doesn't feel quite right in your case? You can always dial down the level of what you usually offer. In this episode, Tina describes different ways to dial down typical birthday behavior, such as sending gifts, cards, and money. She also offers a practical suggestion for handling "big" birthdays (like 30), where it just wouldn't feel right not to acknowledge such a milestone. If you're worried about your child feeling abandoned if he doesn't hear from you on his birthday, Tina offers a perspective that just might change your mind. If you're not already a member of the Reconnection Club, please keep in touch. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

It's bad enough to be estranged from your adult child, but when other relatives stand by and watch without attempting to help, you feel twice burned. Once by the rejection, and again by the abandonment of passive family members. Why do people who supposedly care about you continue to communicate with an estranged adult child who's breaking your heart? Why do they insist on posting pictures of your child on their social media pages, where they know you can see them? Why do they favor the child with their friendship, instead of standing in solidarity with you? These are good questions, and they do have answers. For the most part, relatives are not out to hurt you with these types of behaviors. There's also some evidence that family members are more uncomfortable than you may realize about being "caught in the middle" (see the link below to a recent study). In this episode, Tina provides insight into this excruciating situation, along with advice on what to do if you have one or more relatives who are still in contact with your estranged adult child, but don't appear to be doing anything to help end the estrangement. Research paper --Taking Sides and Feeling Caught (2019): https://www.researchgate.net/publication/337165996_Taking_sides_and_feeling_caught_Communicative_complications_for_immediate_family_members_of_estranged_parent-child_dyads Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

Inspired by a member's post entitled "To Reach Out or Not?" in the Reconnection Club forums, Tina addresses the question of contact in the shadow of the novel coronavirus. Members can find the discussion, "To Reach Out or Not?" in the General Discussion forum at reconnectionclub.com. To learn more about the Reconnection Club, go to reconnectionclub.com/learn-more.

"You should get therapy." Has your adult child said those words to you? Have they made therapy a condition of continuing the relationship? Being told to seek therapy is no one's idea of a compliment. But for parents of estranged adult children, it may be the start of a fantastic voyage into their own inner depths. Not to mention an unexpected portal to a better relationship with themselves and their child(ren). What does it mean when a child suggests therapy, and what should you do if they say it's a condition of reconciliation? Is there anything to be gained if you don't even want to be there? Should you go to therapy anyway? In this episode, Tina gives five things to think about if you're one of the many parents urged to seek therapy by an unhappy adult child. In the end, any advice your child gives you on the way out the door is worth at least a look. Why? Your child knows you pretty well. And he won't bother making suggestions unless he cares – at least a little bit – about the outcome. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

There's no question that estrangement from an adult child is painful for rejected parents. But many parents suffer even more than necessary, because they believe their child is willingly hurting them. Nobody wants to think of their child as heartless, cruel, mentally ill, easily brainwashed, or any of the other qualities often attributed to people who estrange themselves from family. Instead, Tina suggests throwing out unsatisfying and inaccurate explanations, and relying instead on the mental model of Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by neglect." Tina puts an estrangement spin on that model to help parents understand and come to better terms with why estrangement happens. This episode also includes a brief discussion about the difference between estrangement and the silent treatment.

Although estrangement from family isn't normal for young adults, a normal phase of development can contribute to your child's need for distance. In this episode, Tina briefly explains individuation and differentiation, and why these natural processes sometimes require distance from family. More importantly, she talks about specific steps you can take if you suspect your child's estrangement is largely or wholly motivated by a developmental phase. Whether your child is 19 or 39, a phase of development can contribute to a sudden pulling away. That's why it's important not to personalize an adult child's need for space. Not taking the behavior personally is just one of six tips for parents of young adults who may be going through individuation and differentiation. Here are Tina's tips for coping with developmentally-motivated estrangement: Redefine your child's behavior. Give her the space she's asking for. Focus on personal development. Assess your social network. Don't give in to irrational fears. Grieve what you've actually lost. Differentiating between thoughts and feelings is an ongoing task that can take a lifetime to master. Your child isn't the only one capable of developing new skills. Use the current estrangement as a catalyst to grow as a person. See the link below for help with managing difficult emotions. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

If you're having trouble in any relationship… Especially if you're the parent of an estranged adult child… You can't afford NOT to be good at apologies. We know that people who estrange themselves from family don't do it to be hurtful. They do it because they feel hurt in those relationships. They're protecting themselves. That's why apologies are sometimes the only communication that can break through a wall of silence. Until they receive an apology, anything else is not that interesting to someone who feels hurt. In this episode, Tina describes three elements of a good apology. Without all of these being included, your apology to your adult child (or anyone else) may fall flat. If you've ever received the pseudo-apology, "I'm sorry you feel that way," you know that apologies don't always melt the ice. That particular version misses the mark in every way. Find out how to craft a truly effective apology to make repairs and/or progress in any relationship. And if you're worried about coming across as insincere, rest assured that it's impossible to use the elements described in this episode without the apology coming from your heart. If you like this episode, please don't be a stranger… Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

What's the difference between estrangement from your biological child vs. an adopted child, particularly when that child is of a different race, or comes from a different country? Eli Harwood of the PASS Center in Denver, Colorado answers that question for us on today's episode. This episode will be of interest to both adoptive and biological parents who want to make sure they're on the same page with their adult children when they communicate with them. Tina shares an excerpt from her interview with Eli, who co-founded the PASS center to provide training and counseling around adoption issues for both therapists and adoptive families. In this excerpt, Eli also talks about: Why adoption can create a setup for later parent-child estrangement, Why trying to make things okay for an adopted child of a different race can backfire, Why love itself might not be enough to create a strong bond with an adopted child, And what parents can do to try to repair the relationship once their adopted child is an adult. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

Rejected parents sometimes say things like, "My child has made a lot of bad choices. She's miserable, and according to her, it's all my fault." In other words, the adult child is choosing to blame her parent or parents for her problems. Treating them like garbage because she feels bad about herself. Turning parents into scapegoats. Blaming someone else for our problems is common, but we usually blame people who are in some way involved. So if your child has at least average intelligence, why would he blame you for something you're not involved in? It doesn't make sense. Such adult children are certainly expressing anger and disappointment in the parent – there's no question about that part – but the cause of those feelings may be something a little different than what's often suggested. This episode explores what might really be going on when a parent seems to be scapegoated by an adult child, and how parents can possibly break through this painful dynamic. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.

At last, your child is back in touch! And while it feels wonderful to be close again, you don't want to say or do the wrong thing. You instinctively know what the research has shown, which is that estrangements can and do happen over and over again within the same parent-child relationship. And every time your child becomes estranged, you don't know if this will be the last time. So you're walking on eggshells, hyper-aware of your behavior and wondering if you'll ever calm down about the whole thing. You may also be dealing with some hurt feelings left over from when your child was rejecting you. And you have to figure out what to do with those feelings, and how not to let them out around your child, in case you accidentally push him away. Which is why you can't relax, even though technically you've reconciled.  What you're experiencing is normal. It's part of what Tina refers to as the circle of change. It's a journey from where you started to where eventually you'll end up. And some parts of it are quite uncomfortable. In this episode, you'll learn about the circle of change, and how you'll eventually get to a more relaxed state with your child if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Join our mailing list at reconnectionclub.com/mailing-list to receive our "Top 7 Things to Avoid When Trying to Reconnect with an Adult Child" checklist.