PODCAST · comedy
The Topical
by The Onion
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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258
The Final Episode Of The Topical
Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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257
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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256
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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255
Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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254
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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253
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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252
Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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251
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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250
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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249
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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248
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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247
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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246
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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245
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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244
New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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243
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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242
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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241
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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240
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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239
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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238
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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237
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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236
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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235
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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234
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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233
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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232
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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231
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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230
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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229
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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228
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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227
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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226
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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225
Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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224
Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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223
All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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222
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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221
Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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220
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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219
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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218
Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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217
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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216
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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215
Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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214
Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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213
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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212
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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211
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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210
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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209
Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
HOSTED BY
The Onion
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