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PODCAST · comedy

The Topical

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

  1. 258

    The Final Episode Of The Topical

    Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  2. 257

    Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

    Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  3. 256

    Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

    It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  4. 255

    Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

    Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  5. 254

    Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

    Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  6. 253

    Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

    It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  7. 252

    Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

    Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  8. 251

    Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

    Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  9. 250

    Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

    Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  10. 249

    Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

    And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  11. 248

    Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

    Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  12. 247

    UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

    We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  13. 246

    Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

    Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  14. 245

    Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

    For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  15. 244

    New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse

    It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  16. 243

    Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

    Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  17. 242

    Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal

    Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  18. 241

    Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue

    Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  19. 240

    Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

    Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  20. 239

    Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines

    Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  21. 238

    Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get

    Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  22. 237

    Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash

    Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  23. 236

    New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom

    Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  24. 235

    Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room

    Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  25. 234

    Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname

    Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  26. 233

    Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken

    Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  27. 232

    Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’

    On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  28. 231

    Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021

    Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  29. 230

    Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle

    Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  30. 229

    Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day

    Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  31. 228

    Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad

    Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  32. 227

    Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame

    Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  33. 226

    CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

    Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  34. 225

    Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List

    Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  35. 224

    Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology

    Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  36. 223

    All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month

    Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  37. 222

    Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals

    Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  38. 221

    Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama

    Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  39. 220

    Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud

    Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  40. 219

    Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt

    OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  41. 218

    Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape

    Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  42. 217

    Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

    Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  43. 216

    Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

    Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  44. 215

    Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year

    From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  45. 214

    Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell

    Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  46. 213

    American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger

    On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  47. 212

    Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving

    Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  48. 211

    Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy

    Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  49. 210

    Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

    Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

  50. 209

    Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire

    Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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ABOUT THIS SHOW

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

HOSTED BY

The Onion

Produced by Sony Music

CATEGORIES

Frequently Asked Questions

How many episodes does The Topical have?

The Topical currently has 50 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.

What is The Topical about?

The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying...

How often does The Topical release new episodes?

The Topical has 50 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.

Where can I listen to The Topical?

You can listen to The Topical on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.

Who hosts The Topical?

The Topical is created and hosted by The Onion.
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