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The Topical — 258 episodes · page 1 of 3

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Title
1

The Final Episode Of The Topical

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2

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

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3

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

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4

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

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5

Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

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6

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

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7

Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

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8

Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

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9

Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

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10

Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

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11

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

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12

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

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13

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

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14

Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

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15

New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse

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16

Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

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17

Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal

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18

Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue

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19

Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

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20

Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines

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21

Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get

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22

Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash

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23

New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom

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24

Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room

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25

Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname

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26

Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken

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27

Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’

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28

Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021

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29

Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle

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30

Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day

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31

Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad

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32

Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame

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33

CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

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34

Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List

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35

Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology

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36

All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month

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37

Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals

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38

Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama

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39

Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud

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40

Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt

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41

Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape

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42

Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

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43

Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

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44

Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year

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45

Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell

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46

American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger

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47

Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving

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48

Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy

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49

Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

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50

Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire

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51

Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

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52

New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site

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53

NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

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54

Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night

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55

Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets

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56

New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope

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57

Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom

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58

OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider

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59

Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

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60

Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream

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61

Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

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62

Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow

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63

Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results

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Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters

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65

Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins

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66

Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name

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67

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

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68

New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly

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69

American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

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70

Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks

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71

Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids

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72

Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

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73

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

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74

High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

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75

Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group

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76

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

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77

L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

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78

Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

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79

Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure

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Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks

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81

New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’

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82

Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good

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83

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

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84

Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School

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85

NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America

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86

Small Town Ravished By Alejandro

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87

Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds

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88

Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet

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89

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

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90

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

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91

Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

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92

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
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Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
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Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
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National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
96

Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
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Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
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Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
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Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
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NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape