All Episodes

The Final Episode Of The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club

New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse

Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal

Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue

Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second

Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines

Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get

Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash

New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom

Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room

Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname

Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken

Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’

Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021

Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle

Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day

Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad

Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame

CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List

Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology

All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month

Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals

Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama

Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud

Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt

Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape

Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year

Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell

American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger

Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving

Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy

Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire

Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site

NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night

Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets

New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope

Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom

OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider

Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream

Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow

Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results

Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters

Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins

Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly

American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks

Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids

Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group

CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure

Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks

New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’

Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School

NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America

Small Town Ravished By Alejandro

Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds

Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape

New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji

Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life

Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover

Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet

Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here

BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window

Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity

Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent

Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree

Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens

Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins

Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere

Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties

ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide

New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail

Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri

Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans

Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry

Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office

New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’

As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There

TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids

Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds

Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt

NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun

Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security

Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement

Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People

Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee

Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake

Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies

U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline

Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans

Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex

Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do

Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy

CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival

Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice

Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years

IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year

New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible

Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading

New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth

FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide

City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims

Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes

Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place

Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs

Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House

IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger

Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type

Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday

Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked

Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction

Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option

NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint

Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote

Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony

New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway

NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018

Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.

New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure

Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality

Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography

Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants

Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters

NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot

Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus

What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?

Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up

Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All

Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps

Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season

U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country

Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents

Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are

New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds

Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus

Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World

Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights

Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers

Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister

The Topical Wins A Pulitzer

Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm

This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money

Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked

Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine

Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work

CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask

Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators

‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes

Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores

European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End

European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera!

European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic

Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants

NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars

National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose

Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020

God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass

NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid

Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near

Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist

Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough

Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

An Alarming Crime Scene In New England

Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence

Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond?

Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems

FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground

CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus

Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church

White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt

DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine

Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog

CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad

CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels

Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park

Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment

Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person

God In Critical Condition

Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success

Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’

Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist

Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow

Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes

FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam

Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’

Oscars Ceremony Ruined

A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion

Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?

Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is

The EPA Takes A Stand

A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa

Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart

A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein

A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa

The Onion Presents The Topical