The Whining Family Podcast

You can’t experience joy when you’re in pain. One year ago we released the audiobook of The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose, and had a wonderful interview with Educator, Entrepreneur, Mentor, and Coach Dr. Deborah “Dee” Livingston, author of Everlasting Joy, and host of House of Joy on the Clubhouse app. She chose to focus on Chapter One, starting at the beginning and busting the secret wide open.With an Ed.D. in Education Administration and Leadership and a Certification in Community and Child Development from Yale, and a Volunteers In Special Education (VISE), Deborah—who is also the Chief Happiness Officer of Joyful Enterprise LLC—Deborah is a longtime fan of The Winning Family and is thrilled about its reboot!Enjoy this episode, grab your memes at this link, and, if you use the app, join US in our Clubhouse, Positive Parenting For The Win!The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose by Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen CavenChapter 1: The Idea of WinningIn this chapter, Kristen introduces herself as the book’s narrator and shares its backstory, including:* The secret behind the title and what inspired Louise to write The Winning Family: Building Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself (1987)* The story of living in two different families after divorce,* What we mean by the word, “winning,”* How this book has grown and changed for a new generation* What Positive Parenting is, ACEs and PACEs* How Louise “flunked retirement” three times to “save the world” through healing childhood* Why we don’t love the term “behavior.”Quotable Quotes from The Winning Family by Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen Caven“No one wins until everyone wins.” —Bruce Springsteen“A winning family is not defined by externals—although success may be a side effect.”“In a family where love can truly be experienced without limits, parents use common warm practices that make everyone feel like they belong.”“Turn your pain into power.”“I wore matching socks today.”“This book is better than years of therapy.”“Improve family life by better understanding the dynamics of love, parenthood, and commitment.”“Positive parenting is based on the foundational concept that nurturing positive emotion makes us more capable and happy.”“In trauma, we lose. In resilience, we win.”“Winning finds strength, accomplishment, and goodness wherever it occurs.”“Imagine a family in which everyone has a voice, gets their needs met, and feels like mistakes lead to learning and success.”“Living in a democracy requires self-esteem instead of selfishness, control, and greed.”Get The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose wherever books are sold, or at your local library!Grab some free ebooks over atwww.upliftpress.com and memes from www.upliftprograms.com!Check out my free “From Whining to Winning” mini-class on Teachery! Get full access to The Museletter at kristencaven.substack.com/subscribe

Something we wish every parent and every leader knew is getting good behavior is easier and more effective without punishment.Thank goodness Tim Campbell, Ph.D. retired from his work alleviating worldwide poverty so he could get his story out. Holding Up the Sky is a deeply personal exploration of what it means to be a father when life doesn’t go as planned. The moment he learned that his infant daughter was not expected to live, he started on a journey of love, struggle, and resilience. Through the lens of a parent raising three children-two with disabilities and two who are gifted (one is both), Campbell delves into the pain and joy of fatherhood. In this interview, we talked about the difficulties of disciplining diverse kids, the expectations around discipline of “being a man,” and building a trust machine. Grab his beautiful book at www.holdingupthesky.net and learn more about Tim’s journey at www.timcampbellodysseys.net.The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose by Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen CavenChapter 17: Discipline Without DamageIn this chapter, you’ll learn:* Why punishment—even when well-intended—damages trust, self-esteem, and relationships* How physical punishment and verbal shaming teach fear, shame, and disconnection rather than responsibility* The cultural myths behind punishment (spare the rod, carrot and stick) and why they persist* How punishment and rewards both rely on external control and undermine internal motivation* Why discipline is not something you do to a child, but something you develop with them* The difference between discipline as control and discipline as learning* How guidance, agreements, and democratic leadership replace power struggles* Why children need to learn from natural and logical consequences, not threats or bribes* How rescuing too much prevents children from becoming capable and self-sufficient* When rescue is necessary—and how to balance love, limits, and safety* Why misbehavior is a signal, not a character flaw* How parents can act as coaches, not controllers* How proactive guidance builds responsibility, trust, cooperation, and lifelong self-discipline* Plus a long list of practical, respectful tools for guiding behavior without damaging self-esteemQuotes from The Winning Familyby Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen Caven“Punishment doesn’t work.”“Violence towards children is encoded in our language.”“Hitting a child harms a child.”“When children are deliberately hurt by parents, whom they trust, love, and depend on, they receive a powerful negative message: I don’t deserve love or care.”“Children learn about themselves by observing how they are treated and then drawing conclusions.”“When people are blamed and punished, they feel as if they have been attacked or violated.”“You cannot spoil an infant by responding to its cries.”“A carrot-and-stick approach is an external motivation. So is just a carrot.”“The idea of positive parenting is to help kids find their own internal motivation.”“Discipline is about following a path.”“Having and using power responsibly means only using discipline as a noun.”“Guidance focuses on engagement and learning, not punishment.”“We can’t blame kids for making trouble when they are having trouble.”“Mistakes give feedback about what to do differently the next time.”“Misbehavior is a signal that something isn’t right.”Get The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose wherever books are sold!Grab some free ebooks over atwww.upliftpress.com and www.upliftprograms.com, andWatch my free “From Whining to Winning” mini-class on YouTube! Get full access to The Museletter at kristencaven.substack.com/subscribe

This is a conversation with Steve Zolno, a social sciences graduate of Shimer College who holds an M.A. in Educational Psychology and works as a Management and Educational Consultant in the San Francisco Bay Area. Zolno is the author of eight books including The Future of Democracy, and has been leading groups about democracy for twenty years. We discussed “Dinner Table Democracy” with his group of grandparents at the end of May, 2025, and Mom was part of it, too! We got into family dynamics, what democracy means in a very granular sense, teaching values of humanity to our kids…and horses! I even gave grandparenting advice about coping with technology. Explore Steve’s work on building a good society at thefutureofdemocracy.net.The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose by Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen CavenChapter 14: Parenting Leadership Styles You will learn:* The three parenting leadership styles—Autocratic, Permissive, and Democratic—and how they shape children’s self-esteem* Why most families experience “Ping-Pong Parenting,” swinging between extremes* How abuse and neglect stem from distorted uses of power—especially when love is missing* The psychological traits of parents and children under each leadership style* Why autocratic parenting may feel secure but ultimately leads to disconnection, rebellion, or emotional harm* Why permissive parenting causes confusion, chaos, and lack of safety* How democratic parenting empowers everyone and fosters mutual respect* The relationship between self-esteem, power, and family dynamics* Real-life stories of parents shifting toward democratic leadership—and the benefits that followed* The role of love as a transformative force in every leadership style* Why democracy in the family is essential for democracy in societyQuotes from this chapter:“The leadership style parents use reflects their own self-esteem and affects the self-esteem of their children.”“Often, parents don’t realize they are abusing their power.”“Again, there’s nothing wrong with being powerful, but it is the duty of the powerful to be caring to the powerless.”“Add love to both autocratic and permissive styles, and they become more caring and less damaging.”“Democratic parents share power with their children, creating relationships based on mutual empowerment instead of mutual victimization.”“Love is the baseline for mental health and successful family life.”“A flexible leadership style grounded in democracy can fluctuate with circumstances.”“As I trusted them more, they became more trustworthy; as they became more trustworthy, I trusted them more.”Get The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose wherever books are sold, and check our our other offerings at www.upliftpress.com and www.upliftprograms.com. And meet us on Clubhouse to talk about this chapter! Get full access to The Museletter at kristencaven.substack.com/subscribe

My first guest is my very own son, who was our family’s pioneer podcaster when he was in college. Donald Caven, who I called "Enzo" in my blog for ​ADDitude Magazine​, brings an interesting perspective to the work of his mother and grandmother. We talk about wine and whining, our house’s No Whining zone, his frustration with passive, manipulative asking, healthy communication cultures, our twisted rules on spanking, and much more. He also fixes Star Wars.The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose by Dr. Louise Hart & Kristen CavenChapter 8: Asking and Refused SkillsIn this chapter:* A clever metaphor from Pat Palmer’s The Mouse, the Monster and Me* Why asking is hard* How to ask without creating drama, residual negativity, or codependent behavior* Teaching kids to ask without whining* Special Needs kids and asking* Saying ‘No' is setting boundaries* Why saying ‘No’ is hard* How to say ‘No' to kids without threatening or scaring them* Saying ‘No' keeps kids safe* Not being able to say ‘No’ is gaslighting* 7 great ways to set limits with your kids—and teach them how to say no.Quotes from this chapter:“Assertive communication is direct communication.”“Asking increases your sense of self.”“Good teachers are intuitive but few are mind readers.”“Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.” —Claudia Black“Saying no, like braking on a bicycle, defines our boundaries—how far we will go and how close others can come to us.”“You don’t have to be mean to mean business.”“Teach your kids that the only thing that means ‘yes’ is the word yes, delivered with enthusiasm.”Get The Winning Family: Where No One Has to Lose wherever books are sold, and check our our other offerings at www.upliftpress.com and www.upliftprograms.com. And meet us on Clubhouse to talk about this chapter! Get full access to The Museletter at kristencaven.substack.com/subscribe