Two Dicks in a Bar

Jesse gives an unsolicited, fully detailed tutorial on how divorce actually works, lawyer fees and all. Somehow that turns into a heated debate about cue stick diameter that is absolutely a dick joke. Also: a unanimous, aggressive hatred of Dave Matthews despite everyone admitting he has a great voice, and a birthday girl turning 34 while the table argues over who’s old enough to be “on the back half

A guy upgraded to a bigger bike this year because last time his fat ass couldn’t make it up the mountain. Also on the agenda: the full LGBTQ+ taxonomy from twink to zaddy explained by people who are figuring it out in real time, Messi’s birthday goals, and a Florida ballot amendment that will either save homeowners money or defund every fire department in Polk County.

Jesse once caught a white mouse in the bar and, rather than kill it, let it go underneath the wooden deck at the place across the street. He stands by this. Also: rank choice voting, the Heavy Metal magazine Trump-wall cartoon from the 90s, a nephew’s gas station hallucination situation, and Gen Z apparently being the first generation to score lower than the one before it.

Jesse got free drinks by papering a city meeting, Nate does mental math like a demon, and somehow the show ends up deep in Revelation debating whether Trump is the Antichrist. Also: AI art ownership, dung beetles, and the NBA Finals happening somewhere without them.

A Canadian shows up with opinions and the moon landing goes several rounds. Claude gets fact-checked in real time and doesn’t exactly nail it. Also: cooperation vs. scarcity mindset, the section 8 Land Rover loophole, why insurance companies ruined healthcare pricing, and Tito’s running bulk vodka through one pot still and calling it artisanal. Ends with Sinatra.

If you had a week to live, would you stop sweating the small stuff? One answer is yes. The other would be MORE upset about traffic. That tracks. Also: ears cleaned for science, a guy in a mascot costume jumps into a monkey enclosure and gets arrested before the monkeys can handle it properly, AI dating negotiations, and Stranger Things, Wheel of Time, and Game of Thrones all convicted for crimes against their source material.

The 2nd annual charity golf tournament raised money for the American Cancer Society, Anthony showed up with 10 pounds of venison nobody would take, and somehow the conversation ended up at the Artemis 2 crew answering questions from children — all of which were about food or bodily waste. In between: how much of your charity dollar actually reaches the cause, why Mike and Jesse changed a flat tire for four kids who didn’t know there was a spare in the trunk, and whether Shania Twain is famous because of talent or a lucky break. Anthony says luck. Jesse disagrees. Nobody wins.

Solo episode energy with Angel filling in for Mike, and somehow it works. The conversation hits the bar’s origin story, AI etiquette, a feminist chatbot breakup, and whether the Great Salt Lake needs a billion dollars or just a rain dance. The back half gets surprisingly substantive: corporate greed as a design feature, why the immigration system backlog is a feature not a bug, ESOP as an exit strategy, and the argument that Trump tribalized America more than anyone since the Civil War. Also: somebody put new stickers in the urinal and Jesse’s excited about it.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Josh is 41, the Earth is older, and the immigration appointment system is broken on purpose. Episode 213 gets into it: redistricting and the fair districts amendment, why 8 million protesters still wasn’t enough, corporate short-sightedness versus the guy who plants trees for future generations, and what a humanitarian party platform might actually look like. Meanwhile: Nicole wins again at Hard Rock Bet, someone stole the urinal mat, sex bingo is next Saturday at 8, and the honey bears are apparently flying off the shelf for reasons everyone understands.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Jesse’s back from Breckenridge with a report: worst snow in 50 years, one open quarter of one mountain, and a lot of beginners getting in the way. Meanwhile, the crew catches up on the No Kings protest math, debates whether online slots are actually rigged (Nicole wins $700 on her first spin and hasn’t stopped), and goes deep on the mom-and-pop economy, what killed it, and what’s left. Also: Pee Wee Herman’s adult HBO special, Phil Hartman dying before your coworkers were born, Howard the Duck in the MCU, and a piracy website that’s been up for a decade and nobody cares.

From colonoscopies to Breckenridge, episode 211 covers a lot of ground. The crew checks the math on whether the No Kings protests have the numbers to matter, relitigates the country music discourse, and swaps first-concert stories that range from Genesis to Pantera to, yes, Air Supply. The back half goes deep on education: what’s actually going on with autism diagnoses, why ADHD might just be a mismatch between how kids learn and how schools teach, and whether any of this gets fixed if we keep paying teachers $38,000 a year. Patty from the IEP trenches joins to set everyone straight.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

The boys hit 210 and celebrate the only way they know how — by arguing about guns, addiction, traffic, housing, and whether the solar system might be conscious. Jesse’s got AI limit complaints, Ed’s got Renaissance Fest regrets, and Mike’s got opinions on bowling alley engineering. Also: Trump’s Mueller post, Rob Mueller’s death, self-driving cars as a subscription service, and the strong case for three presidents.

Jesse has officially outsourced his brain to an AI. This week he trained Claude to read his POS system’s creative spelling (“Crown Apple 750 w Flask” is apparently a different product than “Crown Apple 750”), hit his session usage limit doing bar inventory, and used it to tell him which Joe Rogan episodes to skip — which turns out to be most of them. Ed and Mike try to keep up while Jesse explains game theory, Robert Axelrod, and the prisoner’s dilemma, none of which anyone asked for. Also: online voting, casino money laundering (Mike legally cannot elaborate), and Iran’s oil fields are on fire but that’s fine.

Jesse, Ed, and Mike are back after a two-week hiatus with a packed episode. Mike’s mystery respiratory situation, a free Morton’s steak dinner that turned into an annuities seminar, and an unexpected fourth guest: Claude the AI, who holds his own pretty well against three guys who won’t let him finish a sentence. Also: nuclear drones, dark forest theory, rap battle psychology, and a Canadian named Ragnar who drove eight hours through a blizzard just to catch a plane home.

The mics are hot and the takes are hotter. This week, the Dicks tackle Trump calling an Olympian a "loser," the ethics of $9,000 medical trials (Jesse volunteers his body for science… and cash), and a deep dive into cognitive decline that actually ends on a hopeful note. Plus: Uber's broken business model, the Mandela Effect vs. government gaslighting, and why Bondi is a real American c*nt. It's loud, it's loose, and it's exactly what you need.

Grab a water (or something stronger) and pull up a stool. In this episode, the Dicks navigate a labyrinth of topics: Should John Candy be digitally resurrected for the Spaceballs sequel? How did two famous announcers not know they were brothers? And what’s the constitutional limit on federal ice agents? Stops are made for Aaron Lewis's rants, the perils of quitting vices, and the universal language of road signs. No agenda, just the flow of a great bar conversation.

The podcast where the intro is an outtake and the plot is whatever sticks to the wall. This episode’s journey includes: getting stuck in a hypothetical time loop, skipping the "begat" chapters of the Bible, designing the perfect Gremlins sock-puppet knockoff, and planning a side project for "old, scrotchety" rock covers ("Get Off My Lawn"). It's a beautifully unplanned mess—like a great night at the bar should be.

The crew opens with the finer points of personal hygiene before Jesse recounts his freezing, high-as-a-kite trip to Georgia, complete with antique posters warning of "crime, suicide, and prostitution." The conversation takes a sharp turn into the ethics of immigration policy (with some googled stats), before a warm, nostalgic crash landing into the greatest toys of the 80s—from Ewok Villages to Thundercats. It's a rollercoaster from ass-scratching to action figures.

As Jesse preps for a freezing trip to Georgia (and a legendary D&D drink menu), the conversation spirals into the nature of reality itself. Is there a secret government data center under a certain Florida ballroom? Are we living in a simulation post-2012? And why does science now say your brain isn't an adult until you're 32? All this, plus a passionate rant on remote work, resource hoarding, and whether Wile E. Coyote cartoons were ever in black and white.

The gang tackles the first "Short Attention Span Theater" episode of 2026 by trying to understand Three Kings Day, defending disc golf as "real golf," and offering unsolicited advice on growing a beard (and dealing with psoriasis). A visit from "Pittsburgh Bob" sparks a debate on regional sandwiches, while the conversation meanders through international politics, Olympic preferences, and the most aerodynamic head shapes for imaginary winter swimming events. It's a masterclass in conversational chaos.

As the clock ticks down on 2025, the conversation takes an unexpected turn when a guest reveals his estranged father—absent for over 30 years—has just shown up with a one-way ticket and no place to stay. While prepping picklebacks and debating the physics of teabagging, the crew steps back to offer raw, unfiltered advice on family, forgiveness, and the questions you may never get to ask. All this, plus a urgent meteorological theory on why Florida might be safe from hurricanes. Ring in 2026 with the most chaotic and heartfelt countdown you'll hear.

What do a celebrity murder case, 100-day sobriety bets, ceramic car coatings, and the ethics of ghosting have in common? Absolutely nothing—and that’s exactly the point. Grab a seat (and maybe a weed soda) as the guys jump from true crime to dating apps, from disc golf fails to 90s music deep cuts, in a conversation that proves the best talks happen when there’s no plan at all. No topic is safe, and no segue is required.

Our mission is simple: use ridiculous, NSFW charity events to raise money for cat rescues. Our podcast is everything else. Co-hosts and brewery reps Dan and Mike are the masterminds behind the "Vibrator Roadshow," a traveling spectacle of battery-powered madness. Each week, they drag the microphone to a different bar to recap the races, plan the next event, and get spectacularly sidetracked with the locals. It's a mix of grassroots activism, South Florida nightlife, and the kind of meandering, hilarious bar talk that only happens after a few rounds. Tune in for the cause, stay for the chaos.

The conversation bounces like a pinball in a dive bar. One minute we're hearing a "totally true" story about partying with Johnny Depp until sunrise, the next we're analyzing the psychological torture of disc golf scoring apps. In between, the Dicks solve the 1970s porn distribution network, argue about the legality of nudity (free the nip!), and try to remember if there was ever a good reason to wear a drug rug in South Florida. It's a chaotic, cozy hang for the holidays.

Our fact-checker bailed, so we're just making things up now. We explore the real first Thanksgiving (it was Lincoln, dibs), why cake is a chemical lie and pie is a fruity fraud, and how to properly hit on your bartender using only a cherry and a hair flip. It's a holiday episode so chaotic, we're surprised the pilgrims didn't just turn the Mayflower around.

Strap in for a wild ride as the conversation bounces from the competitive world of DIY disc golf putting to the dark corners of political hypocrisy. The crew dissects Charlie Kirk quotes, South Park's latest takedowns, and the never-ending Epstein saga. But the real meat of the episode is a passionate, absurd argument about the words "moist" vs. "damp" and their application to... well, everything, especially cake and underwear. It's insightful, idiotic, and everything you didn't know you needed.

The conversation is as all over the place as a drunkard's stroll. This week, the Dicks dive into a family controversy: was a nephew's school suspension for an edgy doodle justified or total bullshit? The debate quickly spirals into a chaos-fueled session featuring experimental nicotine pouches found outside the bar, a plan for a disc golf trip to the Keys, and a heated rundown of everything from Kevin Smith's filmography to the latest Epstein brother revelations. Strap in for a lesson in low-stakes degeneracy.

Our quest to outsource our personalities to machines continues. We unleash an AI-written stand-up routine so brilliant and stupid it might get us cancelled (or at least mildly frowned upon). Then, we debate the only logical next step: volunteering for a sketchy, IV-pumped DMT study to see God, or at least a convincing alien. Strap in for a episode that jumps from shitting on nepo-babies and war criminals to figuring out if you can, in fact, cheat death with a good game of Battleship. The bar is open, and our filters are closed.

The dicks are back in your ears and they're tackling the hard-hitting science behind No Nut November. Is there any truth to the "superpowers" promised by online influencers, or is it all just a sticky situation of misinformation? We dive deep into the myths of masturbation, testosterone, and sperm motility. Plus: Jesse's medical saga continues, a bizarre tequila review gets the Al treatment, and we somehow end up discussing the proper way to start a fire and the geopolitical implications of road construction. Just another normal dinner with the dicks.

From the assault on democratic norms to the assault on your childhood, no topic is safe. This episode meanders from the future of self-driving cars and the ethics of AI to the vital, pressing issue of ruining the "67" meme for any kids who might be listening. Plus, a heartfelt tribute to Diane Keaton, a debate on the best road trip games, and the age-old question: are Lucky Charms magically delicious because of the pus in the milk? Just another normal week at the bar.

Navigating life's uncomfortable truths with a sense of humor is their specialty. In this episode, the guys debate the "tragedy plus time" formula for comedy, grapple with personal health scares and canceled colonoscopies, and try to find the logic in a world of unregulated capitalism and demonic politicians. It's a podcast about finding the laughs, even when the joke might be on us.

The government is shut down and the boys are unsupervised! This week, the Dicks dive into a legendary (and painful) story involving a stripper and a jalapeeno, ponder the logistics of interstellar travel for Kryptonians, and debate the finer points of homelessness, recession fears, and the 13th floor. All this, plus a check-in from a very special guest, Gabby. It's a wild one.

A tenant's text about a wobbly light fixture sparks a chaos-filled session covering the essential rules of being a landlord (always charge for laughs), the grim future of 55+ communities, and the proper use of AI (writing tool or intellectual surrender?). The guys debate whether Joe Rogan has more presidential composure than a man who can't pronounce "acetaminophen," and if arming everyone with flamboyant pistols actually makes anyone safer. It's a hilarious, unfiltered take on the tiny absurdities and massive frustrations of modern life.

The conversation takes a sharp turn from sex toys to censorship when we react to the news of Jimmy Kimmel's show being "paused." We dive headfirst into a heated debate about free speech, corporate cowardice, the weaponization of the FCC, and the terrifying parallels to the Joe McCarthy era. It's a raw, unfiltered, and pissed-off look at the state of American media.

On this episode of Two Dicks in a Bar, we're tackling the big questions. What are UAPs (UFOs) and why is the government really keeping them secret? We analyze the political landscape following a major news event and discuss the violent rhetoric plaguing the nation. Then, we shift gears to explore fascinating theories about advanced ancient civilizations that challenge everything we know about history. All this, plus tangents on disc golf failures, concert experiences, and the wild stories of Edgar Cayce. Tune in for a thought-provoking and hilarious deep dive.

No topics are off the table, hilarious, unscripted, and unhinged. The Dicks tackle the three essential male needs, the horrors of dating in your 50s, and the logistics of using the “lemonade pitcher” to avoid getting out of bed to pee. Grab a beer and belly up to the bar.

Join the Dicks, and their guest Angel, as the conversation spirals from the personal knowledge of a gruesome Florida man murderer to the torture of peeps in a microwave. Get ready to be schooled about country vs. the city living, the political correctness of the word “secretary”, and the superiority of Publix. Get ready for some hot chip horror stories, a flurry of dad jokes and heated debates Concerning UFOs vs UAPs… This episode has everything you’ve come to expect from Two Dicks in a Bar! Buckle up!,

The Dick’s deliver another round of unhinged conversation featuring 80s porn stars, political redistricting, and ethical dog killing. Be ready for raunchy humor, crude humor, and tales of salsa – throwing road rage.

The Dicks go full circle! Take a guess, does the circle concern; micro-perforations in Mike’s colon, butt chugging inebriates, or gluten free breadsticks? We"re happy to have Mike back, and have a weighty conversation on spicy chips. Welcome!

After giving a shout out to Mike from the casino, the Dick’s discuss rollerskating crushes, Dungeons and Dragons, and Trump‘s latest labor drama (they don’t even mention the Epstein files). Get ready to hear about rage rooms, superior vices, and whether dogs or cats would save babies from land mines.

Join the Dicks as the careen from debunking the moon landing conspiracies to debating the merits of $80 laundry detergent. This episode features unfiltered takes on everything from Dungeons & Dragons to the fact that furries are just mascots with benefits.

A chaotic blend of D&D character creation, conspiracy deep dives, and bizarre hypotheticals-like what happens if you teabag a severed head in-game. The gang also tackles the ethics of team names, the mystery of Epstein's list, and why pickle vodka should be banned.

From motorcycle wipeouts off cliffs to costumes at a hippie hostel, this episode dives into the absurdity of a six-man Colombian escapade. Featuring: questionable meat, suspiciously bouncy horseback riders, and the eternal debate—Did that dog at customs even care?

Should all cops carry rubber bullets? Is the news irreparably biased? Did Nixon start it all? The Two Dicks tackle these questions (sort of) while reminiscing about failed careers, sugar mamas, and why Spider-Man should sound like a New Yorker. Spoiler: No conclusions are reached, but the salt content is high.

In this episode, the Dick’s dive into a heated political debate, covering everything from abortion rights to the national debt, before shifting gears to the chaos of downtown parking and the absurdities of social media. No topic is off-limits. Grab a drink and join the conversation! Spoiler: Do one agrees on anything.

In this episode, the gang tackles everything from the absurdity of modern media (thanks, Fox News) to the ethics of billionaires renting out Venice for weddings. They also uncover the shocking truth about Oscar the Grouch’s pet worm (RIP Slimy), debate whether Solar Opposites is just Rick and Morty Lite, and question why disgraced politicians keep getting re-elected. Oh, and someone brings up Epstein. Because of course they do. Strap in for another wild, unfiltered bar talk.

This week, the guys dive into the weirdest animal behavior science has to offer—Capuchin monkeys using Howler monkeys as backpacks? Then, they tackle the latest political dumpster fires: Trump’s disastrous parade, Supreme Court rulings on gender-affirming care, and whether women are actually stronger than men (spoiler: science says yes). Plus, dating disasters, Florida’s unbearable heat, and why you should never trust a politician. Grab a drink and join the chaos!

What starts as a debate over Trump sending troops to LA quickly spirals into… well, everything else. The guys discuss immigration facilities, unions, the 68 banned TV words, and whether tofu tastes like pennies. Featuring: questionable life advice, a deep dive into collar classifications (yes, really), and an unexpected history lesson on Hitler’s facial hair. Just another day at the bar.

When asked what they brought to the table, the Dicks were proud to deliver. We were prepared to discuss steel tariffs, TACO love, the price of revenge, Ukraine‘s operation spider-web, 5-year-olds delivering black eyes, facial recognition. Wait until you hear what they decide to talk about.

This week on Two Dick, Jenna Ortega comes into focus on a Wednesday, bathroom washing becomes a conversation, and a 120 year-old bird takes flight off the lips of the Dicks. On the light side of the cast, get ready for Panther’s championship hockey, whiskey dick, and your mom.