All Episodes

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.."

"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

"If you have to tell them who you are, you aren't anybody."

"To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat."

"Why does mineral water that '"has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a, "use by" date?"

"My wife's father said if you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow. I'm still waiting for the three acres."

"My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them."

"The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

“They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.”

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier."

"No matter what hyenas sound like, they are not actually laughing."

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

"Publicity can be terrible. But only if you don't have any."

"Glamor is just sex that got civilized. A pretty girl, tastefully posed in a scant costume, is even a sort of cultural achievement."

"A jester unemployed is nobodys fool."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands."

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year."

"I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then..."

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."

"In America, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you."

"There are so many great things in life; why dwell on negativity?"

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

"I have never understood why women first see the faults in talented men and the merits in fools."

"What are you studying up there? Oh, the usual. Nebulae, quasars, pulsars, stuff like that. What are you writing? The usual. Nouns...

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."

"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils."

"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind this one is his wife."

"I was just going to have some iced tea and split the atom, but that can wait."

"I drink to make other people more interesting."

"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him- ‘Whose?’”

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

"In German a young ladey has no sex while a turnip has."

"The trouble with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubt and stupid people are full of confidence."

"Some people turn a blind eye just so they can aim better."

"Overconfidence kills success in the bud."

"The harshest critics of moose used to be moose themselves."

"If men knew what women think, they would be a thousand times bolder."

„Your theory is crazy, but not crazy enough to be true."

"Leftovers in their less visible form are called memories. Stored in the refrigerator of the mind and the cupboard of the heart."

"I've actually phased out the misogynistic jokes because I used to think that everyone knew that I was joking."

"I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them."

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."

"The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all."

"You do not need a therapist if you own a motorcycle, any kind of motorcycle!"

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."

“I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I bought a belt with a clock on it. It's a waist of time."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.“

""Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."

"A camel is a horse designed by a committee."

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."

"I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money. "

“It's easy to maintain your integrity when no one is offering to buy it out.”

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."

"Thank God I'm an atheist."

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research."

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back."

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"

"What you put into life is what you get out of it."

"You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk."

“An actor entering through the door, you’ve got nothing. But if he enters through the window, you’ve got a situation.”

"I cut my finger. That's tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That's comedy."

"I'm reading a book on anti gravity. It's impossible to put down."

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."

"Don't compare yourself with someone else's version of happy or thin. Accepting yourself burns the most calories."

"Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else."

"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"Half of all marriages end in divorce, and then there are the really unhappy ones."

"Love without evidence is… stalking."

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."

"Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as friends and family."

"If you want to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog, lock them in the trunk of your car for an hour.."

"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.“

"Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,.."

"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."

"Wilma, I'm home!"

"These Romans are crazy!"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me.."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

“Sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something.”

"Look, millionaires - poor blokes."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better."

"A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks."

"I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them."

"Anyone who wears jogging trousers has lost control of their life."

"Bad decisions make good stories."

"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

"A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suade jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"

"The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."

"She thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers."

"I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them."

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas- people being helped by people other than me.”

"If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer."

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."

"In the midst of Gaulish chaos, where laughter reigns supreme, lies the chilling truth of invincible warriors with no fear."

"It's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want..."

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

"I went to the doctor and told him 'doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up..

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects."

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,.."

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"When turkeys mate they think of swans."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter..."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"If you can dream it, you can do it."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I have the body of an eighteen-year-old.. I keep it in the fridge."

"Being broke is a temporary situation. Being poor is a state of mind."

"I don't really like to gamble, but if there's one thing I'm willing to bet on, it's myself."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. And when I see a symptom, I say, 'See a specialist'".

"The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice."

I went to jail for 11 days for disturbing the peace; I was trying to disturb the peace, but I never got to disturb it.

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said- ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said- ‘Not you again.’”

"Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner."

"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning"

"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at."

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said:.."

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.”

"I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that..."

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone."

"My father drank so heavily that when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of."

"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus.."

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian..."

"Never make a decision when you have to pee."

"I don't really think, I just walk."

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Nothing burns more calories than dancing in 5-inch heels..try it!"

"Every woman should have four pets in her life..."

"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God.."

"Anyone who believes they are a Christian because they attend church is mistaken. You don't become a car by going to a garage."

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

"I'm not as dumb as you look."

"With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay."

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

„I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.“

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip."

"I get paid for what most kids get punished for."

"Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators."

"An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor, I can play anything."

"I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

"I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted."

"It’s called showbusiness because it’s a business. Otherwise it would be called showshow."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.