All Episodes

"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.“

"Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,.."

"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."

"Wilma, I'm home!"

"These Romans are crazy!"

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me.."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

“Sucking at something is the first step to becoming sorta good at something.”

"Look, millionaires - poor blokes."

"I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better."

"A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks."

"I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them."

"Anyone who wears jogging trousers has lost control of their life."

"Bad decisions make good stories."

"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

"A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suade jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?"

"The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps."

"She thinks I’m too critical. That’s another fault of hers."

"I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them."

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas- people being helped by people other than me.”

"If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer."

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."

"In the midst of Gaulish chaos, where laughter reigns supreme, lies the chilling truth of invincible warriors with no fear."

"It's just a ride, and we can change it any time we want..."

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

"I went to the doctor and told him 'doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up..

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects."

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,.."

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"When turkeys mate they think of swans."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter..."

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

"If you can dream it, you can do it."

"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"I have the body of an eighteen-year-old.. I keep it in the fridge."

"Being broke is a temporary situation. Being poor is a state of mind."

"I don't really like to gamble, but if there's one thing I'm willing to bet on, it's myself."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. And when I see a symptom, I say, 'See a specialist'".

"The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice."

I went to jail for 11 days for disturbing the peace; I was trying to disturb the peace, but I never got to disturb it.

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said- ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said- ‘Not you again.’”

"Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner."

"I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning"

"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at."

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said:.."

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase.”

"I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that..."

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone."

"My father drank so heavily that when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of."

"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus.."

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

"The average Hollywood film star's ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian..."

"Never make a decision when you have to pee."

"I don't really think, I just walk."

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Nothing burns more calories than dancing in 5-inch heels..try it!"

"Every woman should have four pets in her life..."

"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God.."

"Anyone who believes they are a Christian because they attend church is mistaken. You don't become a car by going to a garage."

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you."

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."

"I'm not as dumb as you look."

"With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60."

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom."

"I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay."

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."

„I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.“

"True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."

"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip."

"I get paid for what most kids get punished for."

"Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators."

"An actress can only play a woman. I'm an actor, I can play anything."

"I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."

"I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women. The other half I wasted."

"It’s called showbusiness because it’s a business. Otherwise it would be called showshow."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."