Are We There Yet?

In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the every least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears. (file image)In the wake of Cyclone Gabrielle, many parents are facing a loss of home or livelihood or, at the very least, a massive cleanup. So what do you say to children about all of this ? Katy Gosset takes a look at how to calm their fears.Sarah* says her 10-year-old son Nate* "feels all these emotions and he feels them really big".Since Cyclone Gabrielle struck there have been "a few more outbursts" and he recently asked her: "What's going to happen when I die?""He's a lot more aware of the lives lost," she said.Sarah's family lives close to the Tukituki River near Haumoana in Hawke's Bay and made a hasty evacuation, swimming from their home as flood waters rose."The water was lapping at the deck to the house. It was rushing in, so we really thought that we'd lost the house."Luckily the water stopped short, getting within 50mm of flooding the house but sheds and outbuildings have all been damaged.For Jane's* family on the inland road between Gisborne and Wairoa, their home is undamaged but the road to Gisborne is washed out and a trip to town now means a journey over a makeshift track.Her daughter, who has just started Year 9, cannot get to high school and Jane is worried about the impact academically and socially.''It's scary. I'm scared especially for my high school girl. I'm not sure where we're going to go from here."And then there is their livelihood."We're on a farm. Are we going to get our stock out? How are we going to do that? And I guess that stress is also probably reflected back on the kids a little bit too.''For both families, there is stress and the challenge of knowing what to tell children and how to alleviate their fears.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher says it is important to make time to listen to children's worries. On Are We There Yet? she discusses how to help kids make sense of it all.Tips for parents- Get the basics sorted: food, shelter and making sure you are safe."That stuff really matters because if we are not feeling safe, then some of that higher level thinking and wondering and worrying actually doesn't count because our systems aren't settled enough to take that on board," Gallagher says.- Look after yourself and keep calm to better help your children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.What price freedom ? Our children are growing up and venturing out into the big wide world on their own or with friends. Katy Gosset looks at how we manage our own anxiety and let our children spread their wings.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Ellen* is the first to describe herself as 'a bit of a worrier'. ''I'm the parent that's scared of vans pulling up near my children, you know child abductions."As they've got older she's less stressed about it but she does monitor her children's phones - with their consent.''I like to be able to track where they're going on their phones. They've never had a problem with that because they know that I'm a little bit paranoid."She's happy that her ex-partner does plenty of outdoor and riskier activities with them while she 'grits her teeth'" are really nice about it but it's definitely something I've had to work on as a parent.''And Laura* has been going through the same thing with her teenage son who has been brought up in a rural setting but is beginning to explore the city. "Initially that was quite unnerving for me because you just never know what he's going to come across when he's wandering around the central city by himself."And then there's the drinking culture.''The biggest challenge we've had over the last 12 months with him is alcohol. He's in a situation where he's going to parties where people are drinking and drinking heavily at 15 and 16.''At a recent party Laura allowed him to take two drinks and a post-party debrief showed that was a good compromise."He was happy that that's all he'd taken and he'd seen how ridiculous people got. He was very mature about it. I kind of have a bit of faith in him in that sense that he does make the right decisions."In fact, knowing what to allow at what age is a tough one for any parent to navigate.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said children inevitably changed as they got older.''When is the right time and around what issues are we going to change with our kids?""That gets complicated. Whoever said this parenting gig wasn't complicated was probably lying.''…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb, kids will eventually say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable and what to let slide? Katy Gosset looks at swearing and its subtleties.Whether it's potty talk or the f-bomb sooner or later our kids are probably going to say something offensive. How do we decide what's unacceptable in our homes and what we're prepared to let slide?Katy Gosset takes a look at swearing and its subtleties.And yes, a little warning - the audio contains some swearing!Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Rhiannon's* son, Luke*, has well and truly discovered 'the f-word'.At age 15, it's very much his means of expressing himself, sometimes 'with a bang or thump of irritation on the wall'.And while he hasn't specifically sworn at her, Rhiannon is concerned by how often the word comes out.'It's mostly 'Oh for f-'s sake'. Quite often directed at his little sister: 'Oh you're such an effing b_." In Melissa's case, it came out when she was least expecting it, on a shopping trip with her two-year-old.''Calling me 'an effing f-er' in the middle of the supermarket once. It was one of those moments when it just boomed across the whole place. Everyone went silent and all you could hear was him swearing.''Maeve's* kids are also young so she's still contending with 'things like "poo bum", you know all that potty language.'It's not what any of these Mums want to be hearing.Still, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, says swearing is all relative.''Swearing means different things to different people. For some, it's an absolute no. For others, there's a time and a place and for others, well, there's always a time and a place.''While it was not possible to completely control children's swearing, parents could learn to manage and reduce its use, particularly in the home.It was partly because swearing was such a trigger for some parents that it had become a great way to get a reaction.''Kids are going to be exposed to different influences and if you react big time then in a child's mind it becomes an even bigger trump card to pull out when they're angry and they want a reaction.''Don't mention the swearingOf course, it's tempting to just ignore it and rise above the provocation. Easier said than done.Gallagher warned it only worked if parents were genuinely ignoring the swearing rather than just pretending…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Where does self-confidence come from ? Some children are bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us can tap into.Everyone wants it for their kids but where does self-confidence actually come from? Some children seem to be bursting with it while an absence of it holds others back. Katy Gosset finds confidence is a learned behaviour that any of us - parents included- can tap into.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Sally's* son James* has always been one of the best runners in his year. In fact, he usually wins most races.But lately, he hasn't wanted to try.Sally thinks a sense of expectation from others that he would win has sapped his confidence."I tried lots of encouragement, reminding him that it didn't really matter if he won the race or not. It was just, kind of, doing your best.""But I just felt it got to the point where he thought it was more fun to just run with his friends and not have that expectation on him." Her other two children went through similar phases."Definitely, I think all three of them had confidence issues."The quest for confidenceConfidence in children can seem like the holy grail for concerned parents.So why do some kids lack this elusive quality while others appear bulletproof?Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said many parents believed confidence was innate."We often hear people described as either confident or not confident as if it's a thing we're born with."Instead, it was a learned behaviour and could fluctuate throughout a person's life."Some might seem like they were born with an in-built Teflon shield to repel the opinions of others and the difficulties life might throw at them."However, rather than having an excess of some quality, it was more likely that they simply lacked anxiety 'which is often the thing that holds us back or saps our energy.'Most people had a kind of internal alarm system that went off in the presence of danger but that same alarm could be triggered by normal life challenges, Gallagher explained.''The frustration we feel when we're struggling with a problem or which we visibly see when we see a baby struggling to roll over or pull themselves up, it actually serves a purpose.''When a person faced any kind of challenge, their brain tried to draw upon a similar experience to model what to do next, Gallagher said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.How do we get children to help out around the house without asking them 100 times ? Or do we just give in and end up being a slave to our kids. Katy Gosset looks at whether there's a better way.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's one of the things Sam* finds hardest about parenthood: 'asking your kids to do things over and over again.' Cue a collective sigh of sympathy from parents because (let's face it) we've all been there. But even if it's an uphill battle most parents stick at it because they believe chores are part of family life.''We're not their slaves. We expect them to participate in the household,' Sam said.All the more so when the family is large, like Alison's*. "I do say fairly often that I was not put on this earth to look after six people constantly." As a result she has a three week roster, where children alternate filling and emptying the dishwasher, setting and clearing tables and putting out rubbish. But there can still be resistance. "Especially if it's something that's an outside job, you know you get the whole 'Oh I don't want to go outside because it's cold'."So it's a relief to hear that, despite all the moaning, it's worth our efforts to persevere.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said all young people needed chores and things to be responsible for."It's good for them both in that moment and it also helps them grow into people that can eventually leave home and function with some semblance of independence on their own." It also prepared them for the sometimes mundane realities of life.''I think it's really important because it helps out but it's also about, how do they actually do some frustrating, boring things because that's kind of life."Gallagher acknowledged that children wouldn't always share that view. "It would be kind of weird if they did. Why would I stop doing what I enjoy doing and go and set the table?"Part of the issue was that children were susceptible to the 'problem of immediate gratification' or PIG, she said. "In fact, some adults are still pretty vulnerable to that as well, just saying."Children needed help to shift from the immediate gratification of whatever game or activity they had been doing to a new task, she said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

"It's not fair!" Kids say it. We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues."Ít's not fair !" Kids say it . We deny it. But how do we actually teach our children about fairness. And should life even be fair ? Katy Gosset looks at one of parenting's prickly issues.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Joanna's son has been invited to a birthday party but his sister doesn't understand why she can't go too."So that's not fair in her eyes."Welcome to the world of children. All things should be equal or at least fair, shouldn't they ?Not really. It's one of the first harsh lessons in life for kids.Most parents attempt to create an environment in which children are treated fairly."I do make an effort to spend time with each of them. Doesn't always work but that's the goal," Joanna said.But children are very attune to any disparity and hence that catch cry of childhood, "It's not fair!"Clinical psychologist and mother of two, Catherine Gallagher, is no stranger to it herself."That cry is so familiar as a parent but it can also strike fear into our hearts because what if they're right?"But what if things aren't meant to be entirely fair ?In the past, fairness between siblings was less common with boys, particularly older ones, receiving many benefits, Gallagher said.Whilst she didn't advocate a return to 'male privilege', she believed the pendulum had now swung too far in the other direction, creating a situation where no one was left disappointed or having to wait for anything.In some cases schools were running classes to prepare children for the fact that they might not get an award, she said."The pendulum is out of hand."Daring to be (just a bit) unfair Many parents believed coping with unfairness was somehow harmful to a child, Gallagher said. In fact it was character-building.A good approach was to create a 'middle ground where we typically get what we need, sometimes get what we want, but actually we also have to deal with the fact that someone else is getting something we're not.'To learn this lesson it was important that life had some unfairness in it, she said."Because someone's getting the job and someone won't. In a race someone actually worked really hard to win that race and if you're last, that doesn't make you a lesser person, it just makes you not so fast."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself? Katy Gosset looks at the far reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.How do you help children cope with a life-threatening incident? And what if you're stressed yourself? Katy Gosset looks at the far-reaching emotional effects of the Canterbury earthquakes.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's been ten years. And yet when the earth shifts even just a little bit, 11-year-old Ella* still freezes. "She panics. You see every part of her tense and she doesn't say anything." "She goes quiet, but you can just see the fear, the absolute fear in her eyes," her mother, Amelia* said.The magnitude 7.1 earthquake on September 4 2010 began a series of tremors that dogged the Canterbury region.The most prominent: a 6.2 quake on February 22 2011 that claimed 185 lives. Ella was almost two when it all began and seemed initially unfazed but, as time went on, the anxiety began to emerge. Amelia recalled her daughter's reaction during the Valentine's Day quake in February 2016. "I looked at her and she went white. She froze and she said, 'I want to be sick.'" It's a similar story for Margaret whose four daughters all struggled to cope with the ongoing earthquake sequence."They were quite traumatised. Being a massive earthquake it was quite scary and it took a long time to settle down." So much so that, even a decade on, reactions remain acute. "They're quite fragile around them. They don't even like you mentioning the earthquakes." "They're older but I noticed that the other day when we had that earthquake, I still gave my 18-year-old a cuddle because she was actually physically shaking. So it's still there by a long way."The girls are part of a cohort of Christchurch children who've grown up amidst constant aftershocks and life changes. When Christchurch clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher takes a developmental history from a new client, a chat about the quakes is now standard procedure."Talking about their responses to the earthquake and what's happened for them and their families has become just part of that conversation." Gallagher has seen numerous children affected by the quakes and even ten years on, they are still presenting with related issues. "It might have become more, over time, just a diffuse sense of not feeling quite settled and safe. …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.A week in, how are New Zealanders coping with the Covid-19 lockdown? Who better to ask than frazzled parents who are juggling kids, school work and their own jobs ? Katy Gosset looks at family life under lockdown.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Alice has just caught her young son sneaking out the gateIt's been less than a week since the lockdown began and her children still don't really understand why they can't visit their friends anymore.As I distract Alice with a phone interview on this very topic, she spots her son making a break for it and calls to him to return."You're not allowed out there. We can't go and play with the neighbours."Alice's children, like most, have had a simple crash course in Covid 19."We started saying that it was a four-week holiday but then we had to introduce the word 'lockdown' and we said that is to stop the bug spreading around the world."Family life has had to carry on but it's not as we know it and for Alice it has been challenging."When I was listening to Jacinda Ardern announce that we were going into Level 4 I think the enormity of it hit me and I definitely felt quite emotional."The children have already brainstormed their ideas for the month: everything from nature walks, art and gardening to building huts and cooking outside on the brazier.So Alice, who is self-employed, has shelved her small business to corral the kids while her husband works from home.But she plans to allow a few things she can control into her own day like walking or reading a book."Whatever that is, just making sure that we create some choices in our life so that we feel in control and that's really going to help with our levels of anxiety." Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, agrees these are 'really strange times' and that maintaining some sense of control is the key to managing stressful events."When there are things that make life uncertain and that we cannot control, turning our focus to those things that we can control reminds us that we still have some power and influence.''This helps us settle and feel safer," Ms Gallagher said.But she reminded parents there were ways they could help their children adapt to the 'new normal', including acknowledging emotions…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Porn is everywhere and very available. You can bet your child has come across it somewhere online - or will soon. Katy Gosset asks: how do we work through our own awkwardness and start conversations about it with our kids?Pornography is everywhere and more children are seeing it than ever before. Katy Gosset looks at why we need to talk to kids about porn and how we start the conversation. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Rhonda* is the only woman in her household"Even the ruddy dog is male."And with two teenage sons, she's learnt to be open about the topics that come up including sex or body image.Although it's fallen to her husband to field the trickier questions about penis size."Well, they see things and then they go, 'What's normal?'"Some of those things teenage boys are seeing are unrealistic images of both bodies and sexual behaviour portrayed in increasingly pervasive online pornography.Rhonda's son, Nate*, was encouraged to view pornography by a more mature friend and was embarrassed when his mother discovered it on his computer.Rhonda and her husband explained that pornography didn't depict real relationships and it wasn't appropriate for him to view sexual material until he was sexually active.But, at least they're talking about it.Eliza's* teenage boys simply don't want to know."I've had that kind of conversation but, you know, they just go, 'Aarrhhh, I don't want to hear that from you.' So those conversations are very short. It's very much in passing."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, said talking about pornography with children was vital."My main message to you is at least have these discussions with your kids.""They're going to be traversing these issues as they develop so to leave them to sort it out for themselves might be a really risky strategy."Ms Gallagher said the discussion should be part of the broader conversation about sex and positive sexuality rather than a topic in isolation."This can help children see where your values come from and can give them some anchor points to form their own opinions from."It was important not to convey viewpoints too rigidly as Ms Gallagher said children were unlikely to start a conversation about a topic they believed was taboo for a parent."If I have such a strong emotional response to why porn is wrong or porn is right, a child knowing that's not a conversation to start up." …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When parents lose the plot ! Most of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent itMost of us can think of times when we've shouted at our child, ranted and potentially failed as 'Parent of the Year' contestants. Katy Gosset looks at why we lose our rag and what we can do to prevent it. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Every so often Annette* imagines being a 'Stepford Wife'."I wake up every morning and I think 'I'm going to have a day today where I don't yell at everyone."We're going to have a lovely, happy 'Stepford Wives' day today." She's joking but it's kind of a goal, none the less."I would love to not lose it. I yell far too much."Because with both high school and primary aged children, life can be intense."Sometimes I sit in the corner and rock and cry. Occasionally I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, so they don't see it."Clinical psychologist (and mother of two), Catherine Gallagher, is the first to admit that losing your rag can feel good."You have to admit it, it's bloody satisfying."Like many behaviours parents worried about, having a tantrum was normal, she said."It's OK to get angry. Our children need to know that their behaviour has an impact and that we're humans and we have negative feelings too.""Our challenge as parents is to try and stay in as much control as possible."Ms Gallagher admitted that in her early, pre-children, days as a psychologist she sometimes struggled to understand the difficulties parents faced in managing children."I was thinking 'Well, just be calm. This is the plan. Why aren't we doing this?" "Then I had kids of my own."And it all became clear."I've never yelled at anyone the way I yell at my children." So why do parents get so wound up by their kids?Ms Gallagher said it was helpful to look at the many things that led up to a parental 'tantrum'.Exhibit A was the images of family life, as found in glossy magazines, advertisements and on Facebook"It's all blissful smiles, a look of competence, well behaved children."In reality it's tiring, hugely challenging and, more often than not, our children are covered in mud or snot or staring at us in defiance. That's actually the stuff of life."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities.Why do some kids get an iphone 10 while others get a no-frills hand me down ? We teach our children that they can do or have anything but sometimes the parental purse says otherwise. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids navigate financial disparities. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Lorraine's* son, Josh* is like most teenage boys: keen to fit in, right down to his footwear." wouldn't want to be wearing something that was the wrong type of shoe. It wouldn't have to be Nike but if they were all wearing short socks he'd want to be wearing short socks", she said.Some of the wealth he sees around him has also got him wondering about his own family circumstances."He asked if we were poor because we weren't going overseas like most of his friends were."She had to explain that, while the family could pay its bills, trips abroad would be an occasional treat.And when it came to gaming assets, both her sons could get jealous, Lorraine said."They say some friend they've got X box and they've got Play Station and why can't they have that?"Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says this desire to keep up with the 'in crowd' or even compete with them is a natural part of development."There's actually an evolutionary drive and it's completely developmentally normal to compete. We compete to fit in." And humans have been at it for a long time."Going back to cavemen days you were far less likely to be eaten or starve if you were included."She said those who were excluded from the group were much more vulnerable."So there's a reason why being in the 'us' has some advantages."She believed Darwin's survival of the fittest also played a role."If I have more than you, then my safety is almost more assured because I have power, I have some control, I have some extra stuff for me."Over time, Ms Gallagher believed life had become even more individual and the communal 'us and them' had morphed into 'you and me' or 'me versus you'.'So you can see how 'Keeping up with the Joneses', in fact competing with and beating the Joneses has become more important, especially as some resources have become more scarce."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Whatever you want to call it, the rage of toddlers (and sometimes older kids) is hard to handle. Katy Gosset looks at why tantrums happen and how we can teach children to manage their emotions. Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.When we film or photograph our kids, it's usually the good stuff - highs, smiles and milestones.But one day Jody* filmed her ten-year-old son Andrew* having a tantrum.It was about the usual bone of contention."Tantrums to do with social media devices are the biggest things in our house," she says. So it was ironic that a device provided a new insight for Andrew when he watched the video back on Jody's phone. "He just was like 'Mum, that's just ridiculous, look at how I am.' "I was like 'I know, 'I know! That was really crazy'."Seeing himself hasn't entirely stopped Andrew's tantrums but Jody feels that allowing her son to experience anger or annoyance was part of preparing him for life."There are times when I think 'It's actually OK for you to get cross and grumpy ... if I take this off you, because I am your parent...''And part of parenting is that I'm going to upset you occasionally."People often feel that tantrums are a bad thing, according to clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher." that if our kids have one, we're not parenting well enough or we've got something wrong."In fact, meltdowns are crucial for children's development, she believes."Evolution and development decided long ago that frustration and the resulting tantrum is a necessary part of learning."Toddlers who had yet to develop a 'theory of mind' often throw tantrums because they cannot make themselves understood, Ms Gallagher says."Theory of mind is when we hold that belief or that knowledge that you and I can think different things."That means a toddler who wants an orange jelly bean will assume her parents know this and become frustrated when her wish isn't granted."So you can see how if I'm going 'Where is my orange jelly bean?' and 'you're just not getting it Mum,' and I'm getting upset. equals tantrum."A good first step to help children manage their feelings is to label the emotion, Ms Gallagher says…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help.Adults can brush off monsters and burglars as the natural anxieties of childhood but for kids the fear is very real. Katy Gosset looks at which worries crop up when and how we can help.Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher.Five-year-old Harrison* has been spending a lot of time in his parents' bed.That's because someone else has been lurking in his room."At the moment monsters are our big thing," his mother Lucy* says. "It's quite a challenging one for us.""They always hide in the dark but as soon as we turn the light on, they're really fast and they disappear.""And, if we turn the lights off, they are back again really fast."John* says, for his six-year-old, Phillip*, it's comic book images that have 'kind of seeped into his brain and stuck there'."He's started to worry about a lot of things actually. We don't know quite what's stemmed it, but we think there are some images that have been talked about at school which have scared him."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says - reassuringly for parents - that fear is completely natural and necessary and some common fears are hardwired."So we come into the world thinking things like loud noises, big animals or heights are not good for survival so probably good to be a little bit cautious about them."But Ms Gallagher warns our 'alarm system' that alerts us to something frightening can get 'hacked' by the 'thinking part of our brain', creating fears that may be unfounded."Through the filter of our thoughts and our experience our alarm system can get tricked into firing, especially for some of us who are genetically a little more vulnerable to being anxious in the first place."So was it fear that people felt in those situations or anxiety?"Fear, by definition, means I'm having that experience of my alarm going off in the presence of something that is actually dangerous."Anxiety is having an experience of fear in the absence of the thing that is actually dangerous.""So these are actually childhood anxieties."Some young people were more susceptible to these kinds of fears than others as they might have a more sensitive temperament or have parents who were themselves anxious, Ms Gallagher said. …Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Online games pull children into a world of bright seductive images and casual violence. Parents can worry that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how concerned should we be?Online video games have pulled many children into a world of bright seductive images and sometimes casual violence. Some parents are concerned that poor social skills or addiction may follow. Katy Gosset asks: how worried do we need to be?Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher."A darkened room with maybe one teenager or small child, just playing for hours on end ..."It's a vivid picture Anna* paints of the world inhabited by many young people."They'd be having lots of fun but time would slip away so you'd say, 'Yes, you can have an hour and then, three hours later, they would emerge.'"Rhonda* has also seen her sons spend up to six hours a day fixated on games."If I knew then what I know now, they wouldn't be in the house."Online gaming has become a big part of many children's lives and many parents are naturally concerned about its impact on family life and socialisation.For clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, gaming is neither good or bad: what matters is how it's used."It's about the context around it and it's about how much it's used. So for me it's all about moderation."But the online world was one that needed an adult guide, she said, and parents shouldn't 'just let it be'."So you don't always have to looking over their shoulder but you have to be engaged and help them navigate through this experience because to leave it up to them is asking for trouble."Gaming should happen in a family room or, if in a bedroom, with the doors open so parents could see what was being watched."It's saying 'Well, if you want to play that, I'm going to have to observe you playing it to start with just so I can be aware of what's going on.'""They might say 'Oh Mum!" and you say 'Well, if you want to play it, this is the contract.'"Part of the problem was that, when parents got busy, it was easy to allow the online world to babysit their children."If children are happy and entertained, well, one hour can very easily become four, as things slide."Ms Gallagher said some parents believed their children should be able to self-manage but she argued that many adults also lacked this skill…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

After the mosque attacks, questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset asks: how can we help kids who are struggling, and find ways to discuss both racism and other cultures with them? The Christchurch mosque attacks are over but questions still linger for many children. Katy Gosset considers how we check in with kids who are struggling, and looks at the bigger issue of discussing racism and better cultural understanding with children.Listen to the episode hereSubscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iTunes, RadioPublic, Spotify, RadioPublic or Stitcher."It's something she talks about now, about the mosque and the people who've gone."Christchurch father, Simon*, has been discussing the recent terror attacks in Christchurch with his daughter, Maeve*.Three year olds are generally in the throes of potty training, learning pre-school protocols and asking big questions about the world around them, notably, 'Why?'On 15 March 2019, a gunman shot and killed 51 people in two Christchurch mosques, and parents grappled with how to share the terrible news with their children. That's a big 'why?' for anyone to grasp.Now, most of the flowers at the memorial walls have gone and many parents have turned again to school spats, sibling arguments and busy lives.However, clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said it was still important to keep tabs on how children were coping with what happened."It's knowing them enough to know how are they doing, are there some changes in their patterns of behaviour? Is their mood a little bit flatter? If those things are happening, it's about being with them and supporting them around what they're going through."She said some children would be able to move on easily."I think the proof is in the pudding. If kids are doing okay and their routines are back in place and there are no significant changes in terms of personality, then they probably are doing okay."Ms Gallagher said young people who appeared detached from what had happened need not be challenged too robustly."We don't want to say 'do you know just what a big deal this was?' because that's not helpful."However, she said another way to introduce the topic could be to discuss any casual racism that appeared while watching movies or other media."You might bring that to their attention because, yes, the child might go, 'oh yeah, whatever, Mum.' But you're kind of putting it out there and it remains a live issue."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Following the attacks, parents - who are probably distressed themselves - face the challenge of explaining to kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying.In the wake of the terror attacks in Christchurch, parents - who are probably suffering distress themselves - face the challenge of explaining to their kids what happened and why. Katy Gosset looks at what they've been saying.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.'Three-year-old Sadie* sits on a blanket in North Hagley Park, in the midst of a large crowd. She rustles a bag of chips close to my microphone and clutches her father's arm.She is attending the National Remembrance Day following the 15 March terror attacks in which 51 Muslim worshippers died after being shot at two Christchurch mosques.While she may not be following the speeches from our Prime Minister and members of the Muslim community, her father Michael* says Sadie gets that something big has happened."She understands that a number of people have died and it's very sad but also that she's safe."Still he's been reluctant to provide too much detail"She clearly knows that something's going on. It's trying to figure out the right amount to tell her really."Seven-year-old Ben* has also been pushing for some answers.His mother Jenny* says he'd heard that a gun was involved in the attacks."He said, 'Were people killed?' and we said, 'Yes.' Then he wanted to know how many."She was reluctant to give a specific number."He's seven, so 50, he knows that that's a big number."Her son also asked why it happened."I didn't really know even where to start with that one."What Jenny 'ended up saying' was that a person who was 'really angry" and who 'hated people' had carried out the killings.Because, like all parents, she had to say something.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said young children initially needed only to hear the basics."In this case they need to know that something scary happened, that the grown-ups all did what they were supposed to do. People got hurt and we're loving and supporting the people who got hurt to help them through this experience."Ms Gallagher said simplifying things did not mean minimising what had happened and she warned against glossing over the events.However, it was important to let children know the immediate danger had passed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why are kids so messy? Is it nature or nurture? And is there any way to make them pick up clothes? Katy Gosset considers how to cultivate the clean gene.Why are kids so messy? Is it nature or nurture? And is there any way to make them pick up clothes and toys? Katy Gosset considers how to cultivate the clean gene.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.'The bane of our existence'. That's how Johnny* sums up the impact of daughter, Rosa's,* mess."Oh, she's terrible, she can be terrible sometimes.""In terms of her room, you can't find anything in it and then she'll come in and ask you, "Where's this and that?'"And he doesn't think he's alone."I think all parents are dealing with it."Plenty of parents are going slowly mad with all the mess but not all for the same reasons.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher warns temperament, anxiety and an inability to meet parents' expectations are all in the mix."Sometimes parents can worry so much about untidiness that their standards are not realistic and are impossible to keep up with. So if it's impossible to keep up with, why would I even try?"High standards might also make children hope that their parents will take up the slack instead."They may know that, although there's a lot of noise and threat, Mum or Dad will eventually find it intolerable to have a messy room and will clean it out if I wait long enough."Ms Gallagher said for others it was a straight out compliance issue."Tidiness might be just one of the many battles they have with their parents on a day to day basis."And anxiety also played a role, causing some children to be over tidy."Parents might go 'Woo hoo, imagine that being a problem - I don't think so'."But, in fact, if tidiness is such an issue that even something being moved minutely is going to cause a meltdown, then you can see how it can actually be problematic."Other anxieties might make children reluctant to throw out familiar items."So again I might have a hard time throwing out wrappers but if someone removes one of those wrappers then, actually, that makes my world feel pretty chaotic."Last and, probably most annoying (because there's seemingly nothing we can do about it): "For some kids, things being a mess, well, it just doesn't bother them. The idea that life could be easier if my room wasn't a tip and or if I could find things when I need them, just does not register."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why do girls' t-shirts say "princess" and "pretty" while boys get "wild" or "adventure"? Katy Gosset looks at gender, how it's presented to our kids and how we can encourage them to think differently.Why are girls' t-shirts emblazoned with words like "princess" and "pretty" while the boys get "wild" or "adventure"? Katy Gosset looks at gender, how it's presented to our kids and how we can encourage them to think differently.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We talk about the baby blues.But the baby "pinks" can be a subtle force, infiltrating clothes, toys and bedroom décor without us really registering it.One mother, Elspeth* has noticed that when she goes shopping for her daughter - she's frustrated by the proliferation of pink."Colour is not assigned when we are born. If you are born a girl, you do not get assigned a colour." She has nothing personal against pink. In fact, her young son is a fan. "He quite likes pink. He gets to wear pink because that's his choice."It's the message that Elspeth objects to, steering girls towards particular colours and choices. "It's consumerism and society that's kind of telling us that."Elspeth and her family operate a "gender neutral household". That means they don't distinguish between traditional girls' or boys' toys or clothing."They can be what they want. They can play with what they want. It might be that they choose the more traditional for that sex but everything is open and everything is an option.Elspeth sews many of her children's clothes and her son and daughter can choose skirts or trousers.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said offering children choice was an important part of developing their personalities."We want to pay attention to the child in front of them and expose them to experiences that help them grow."She said culture "absolutely" influenced a child's development too."So there's truth in comments about gender being a social construct but only to a certain extent."Ms Gallagher said biology still played a role, harking back to when we were still trying to keep the species going.She said men were "more task orientated, physically stronger to protect their families, less talk, more doing."Meanwhile, women "focussed on child rearing, were more socially and emotionally orientated and better at multi-tasking.""Gender is both a biological and a social construct."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

We used to have just one home 'phone, one TV and maybe one computer, now kids can connect with other people anywhere, from anywhere and anytime. Katy Gosset asks: how do we help them navigate all that?Everything's online these days and that's where our kids hang out every day.Katy Gosset looks at how to keep them safe on social media where not everyone tells the truth.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When Jo's young son, Sam*, got friended by a bikini-clad babe he 'thought all his dreams had come true in one go'.His mother, Jo*, relates that her 14 year old was approached on Facebook by the older girl."The photo ...was of this absolutely stunningly gorgeous girl jumping off a boat in a bikini into a blue lagoon.""That's not real but, as a mother, I know that."Her adolescent son thought otherwise and was soon sharing plenty of information with his new friend."This girl was befriended and chatting and asking 'Where do you live?' and 'Who are your friends?' and 'What sort of things are you into?'"Jo told Sam to delete her from his account but the damage was already done."It came back to bite us on the bum because we then started getting phone calls in the middle of the night."As it turns out, this person was not a 16 year old girl at all."But that can be hard for a young boy to work out."The people who are trawling the Internet getting information out of kids are just so blimmin' good at it. It is scary," Jo said.She said adults were also frequently 'scammed' on the Internet."You know, we don't pick it up, so how can we trust in children to pick it up?"The answer is to arm them with some practical rules for navigating their online accounts.Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, warned children to be wary of anyone asking too many questions."What conversations or what questions might you start to get concerned about?""Or, actually you get a request from someone you don't know who suddenly wants to get more and more intimate in terms of what they want to know about you. That's a flag."Restricting the use of devices had its place but, long term, parents were better off preparing their children for the cyber environment, she said."We need to teach them how to be critical evaluators of that online world so that they can exist and thrive in this medium."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

It's not as simple to adopt as it used to be but RNZ's Katy Gosset finds that for the lucky few, the rewards are worth waiting for.It's not as simple to adopt as it used to be but RNZ's Katy Gosset finds that for the lucky few, the rewards are worth waiting for.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When Michelle's* daughter, Ella*, was four she asked, "Did I grow in your tummy?"Michelle replied: "No, you grew in your birth's mother's tummy."And just like that, they opened the discussion about Ella's adoption into the family."She already had a relationship with this nice woman that came around two or three times a year. It was just simply no big deal."Under the Adoption Act 1955, there is no legal obligation for adoptive parents to maintain contact with their child's birth family.But it is encouraged.Oranga Tamariki care support manager Paula Atrill said adoption peaked in New Zealand in the 1960s and had declined steadily since.Government figures show, in the year ended June 2018, just 132 children were adopted. Other children might be placed in permanent guardianship or Home For Life arrangements.But Ms Atrill said those who did adopt were urged by staff to help their children keep in touch with birth parents."We find that that helps enormously in terms of kids growing up with an intact sense of their identity."For Michelle, it came about naturally when her family moved to the same city as the birth mother."We have a really neat relationship with the biological mother. We see her a lot. We're pretty close. We've navigated a lot of good times and bad times together."Some of those bad times have involved grappling with addiction."When someone puts a child up for adoption, there's a reason for that and, in the case of our daughter, both her parents were drug addicts."Michelle said this meant they could be unreliable, failing to front for meetings or to visit their daughter."They have so many problems just coping with life so they, to a degree, have become our problems...we have to explain why all this is the way it is for our daughter, so she understands why she was given up for adoption."Yet Ella's birth mother delivered when it counted, after Michelle invited her over to help explain the adoption to their daughter…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Life doesn't always go to plan. Kids will sometimes fail and feel frustrated. Katy Gosset looks at how we can build resilience in our children.Life doesn't always go to plan. Kids will sometimes fail and feel frustrated. Katy Gosset looks at how we can build resilience in our children.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.To err is human -- so the saying goes - but it seems like some of us forgot to tell our kids.In fact, clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, fears some children aren't learning to handle failure because their parents protect them from negative emotions and experiences.She said modern society gave people the message that unpleasant emotions should be avoided."This is absolutely not true. They are vital and, unless we learn how to identify them and to move through them, we can believe they're wrong and try to avoid them."Ms Gallagher said one such emotion, frustration, usually turned up during tough times, when people were failing at something or when their expectations were not 'aligned with reality'. "It's designed to create an uncomfortable feeling that ideally motivates us to work harder, persevere or get some support in order to make that feeling go away by resolving the situation." However she said some parents' approach was to rescue children from any uncomfortable feelings."We can't all be All Blacks so, if we keep protecting our kids from little failures and frustrations, how do they learn to cope with the bigger ones?"The roll on effect might be to reduce their ability to learn, Ms Gallagher said"It might stop a child having the confidence to try new things where the outcome is not certain or to cope with things that don't fit into their expectations or plans."It was up to parents to help their children experience a range of feelings: "the good, the bad and definitely the ugly'."Children will not sit with hard emotions unless we make this happen""If you're waiting for your children to handle frustration and failure better and you can back off, well, they just simply won't." By identifying and discussing emotions with their children, parents should instead help them to take responsibility for these kind of feelings."In psychology-speak they are moving from us regulating their experience to co-regulation to self-regulation."But if we're waiting for self-regulation at the start we'll be waiting for a long time."This process of introducing emotions could begin when children were babies…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Raising a disabled child can challenge your expectations but it brings huge rewards and insights. Katy Gosset looks at how to get the best help for you and your child. Parenting a disabled child can challenge your expectations but it brings huge rewards and insights. Katy Gosset looks at how to get the best help for you and your child. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Sally's* young son Hamish* is not quite a child in a million - he's more like one in four million.Hamish has a rare chromosome disorder, 49,XXXXY Syndrome."He's the only boy in New Zealand with it that we've found."The syndrome causes intellectual disabilities as well as feeding difficulties that required him to be tube fed for over a year."He seemed to be a baby for so long."Even now feeding is challenging and his balance and attention span have also been affected.The initial diagnosis caused Sally to become severely depressed."The world did crumble and I isolated myself. I needed to deal with the diagnosis on our own before we shared it with friends."With help from Maternal Mental Health Services Sally recovered and she believes access to counselling would be valuable for all parents of a disabled child.However daily life continues to be challenging and Sally and her husband now try to keep routines as simple as possible."He's not very good at transitioning from one place to another. It can take 20 minutes to get out of a building and into a car. Life is just slower with him."Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said parents might fantasise about how their child would be during a pregnancy but the reality was always a bit tougher.She said parents of a disabled child might need to grieve for the path they expected to take but it was important that they viewed their child realistically."To accurately look at who you have in front of you, means that you are then able to see them for what they are and not focus on what they're not. This is really important for a child's sense of self."Ms Gallagher had seen many children with huge disabilities who enjoyed healthy self-esteem, "because their parents have found a way to get their heads around 'Who have we got in front of us and how can we best facilitate this child having a good life ?'"Likewise she had seen clients without disabilities who were "acing the world" but had "self-esteem the size of a gnat" "because they keep expecting more and they feel that who they are in the world is contingent on how well they do."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Raising kids can be crazy enough. For parents with a disability, it calls for creative thinking and problem solving on a whole new level. Katy Gosset looks at how to tackle the tricky bits.Raising kids can be crazy enough. For parents with a disability, it calls for creative thinking and problem-solving on a whole new level. Katy Gosset looks at how to tackle the tricky bits. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Seven years ago Jack* learnt he was going to become a father. His first emotion? Fear.Jack has lived his life with cerebral palsy in what he calls a "love-hate relationship"."Growing up, there were parts that I really liked, that shaped my character and there were parts that I detested and I've struggled with."So, as fatherhood approached, he found himself considering what might lie ahead for his child."My first thought was 'Gee, I hope my child doesn't have a disability because I don't want my child to have to go through what I went through'". As it turned out, his son was not disabled but it's still been quite a journey.Jack's cerebral palsy affects all his limbs so some of the physical parts of childcare were a major challenge "I have pretty good motor control but things like changing a nappy was almost impossible with my hands."Tricky, too, was dressing the baby, tucking tiny limbs into a buttoned Babygro. "It was difficult and I didn't really want to do it because I ended up hurting the baby by trying to get their clothes on."In the end, Jack got creative and, while his wife was working, organised a roster to assist with ablutions."I had my mums and dads on my phone and I would ring up these people and say: 'Look, can you come over and do a nappy change?' and then I'd flick them a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine." Family members who have to adjust to a disability in the family often learn to think laterally early on according to clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."In terms of problem-solving, the obvious solution may not be possible for them and so they're having to think outside the square and that's a really good life skill."Parents living with a disability share plenty of common ground with other new parents, she says."For many, the challenges are just the same as other parents share who are trying, in their own way, with whatever resources and life experience they have, to give their children the best opportunities to grow and develop."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Eventually all children will encounter grief when someone close to them dies. Katy Gosset asks: What can parents do to help them through it?It might be a grandparent who's enjoyed a long life. But also, it might not. Accidents happen and death is part of life so, as Katy Gosset learns, we'd better teach our kids to cope with it. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Laura's * father died unexpectedly this year. She found herself crying openly around her children, aged just two and four."They saw me at my best and they saw me at my worst and I felt OK with that, whereas I probably would hide it from other people."Still, they needed to know what was going on, so Laura and her husband decided to be upfront about the circumstances" go "Oh where's Grandad gone? What happened ?" "Well, Grandad was sick and he unfortunately died." "We talked to them quite openly about what had happened, identified feelings that we were having," she said."So they could see that, when Mummy is sad, she is sad because Grandad has passed away."It was factual, yet age-appropriate information, including that he had died at home of pneumonia.Laura believed being honest allowed her children to process his death and apply what they'd learnt to other situations." might see a dead bird and go "Oh, the bird's died like Grandad. Mummy, when are you going to die ?" So we had some quite deep conversations."Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher said, in order to cope with grief, children first needed to confront it."Somewhere along the way we've been sold a line that life should not have pain in it and that bad things shouldn't happen to good people."This, she believed, was far from the truth."Life will and should expose us to positive and negative experiences as we grow because, otherwise, how do we learn ?"Ms Gallagher said parents often felt they should protect their children from sad or difficult experiences."The pain of others, especially if they're our children, feels really uncomfortable and distressing and so we often rush to problem solve, "It'll be OK."Yet she said pain could not leave people until it had been acknowledged and validated and those affected needed to get help rather than trying to avoid it."For parents this means we actually need to let our kids feel upset and then support them."It was also important for children to take part in the grieving process alongside their families, she said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When kids start lying parents start to worry. But how concerned should we be? Katy Gosset tries to get to the truth about what's happening when kids tell fibs.Lies, lies and porky pies. Most children are dishonest at some stage and it drives parents crazy. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist to get the lowdown on lying.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet? on iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It was on her son's Instagram account that Alice* first noticed some talk about fireworks.Knowing she had some in the garage, she poked through the box and commented to him that they seemed to be a bit short.He replied she "must have counted wrong"."I said 'So what fireworks were you playing with that you were bragging about on your Instagram account?' and the face just dropped."Laughing, Alice recalls the moment her son realised he had been "caught big time".That was "one of the doozies" but he'd lied before and, when confronted, said he thought he'd be in less trouble if he concealed the truth." well, you're actually in more trouble now for lying than you would have been for the original sin... So lying is not something I tolerate." Yet clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher said this scenario was actually pretty common. "Don't panic... It's a normal part of development."Up until the age of four children had no theory of mind, meaning they believed everyone knew the same things, she said."So it means that, if I know that I'm hiding those Jaffas in my pocket, then you know that too because, in fact, we don't really have separate minds."So I'm not going to lie because what's the point?"However, once children realised they were separate from their parents, they became less truthful, in part, because they lacked an adult's moral compass, Ms Gallagher said."Children aren't mini-adults so we can't hold them to a similar standard with behaviour or moral judgments."They were learning about relationships and the world and would invariably make mistakes, she said."Things hold different meanings for them and lying is a great example of this."Adults were aware that being untruthful could harm relationships and were able to keep those consequences in mind."Kids are far more concrete and, if I don't get caught, well, was it really that wrong?"Young people were also great gamblers, Ms Gallagher said…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

One family sharing a bathroom can be hard enough. What about a blended family with all its new step siblings, dramas and dynamics? Katy Gosset looks at how to get the right blend. One family sharing a bathroom can be hard enough. What about a blended family with all its new step-siblings, dramas and dynamics?Katy Gosset looks at how to get the right blend.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's a big step to start a family but you get a chance to shape it and decide how it's going to work. But with blended families the parts all come fully formed and, like puzzle pieces, you somehow need to fit them together.Clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher advises going in with a realistic idea of just what those parts are."If your hope is that you can squeeze your blended family into a nuclear family model, then that's when the troubles start to arise... We need to be dealing with what we've actually got rather than what we wish it would look like."She says while there were many different "makes and models" of the blended family, they were all grappling with a major life change.And just because it was a common scenario, that didn't make it any less complicated."We don't want to underestimate the fact that, for each particular child, each particular family, they are traversing this thing which is a really big deal and so we don't want to rush the process"Gallagher says step-siblings are often not in the house at the same time and the arrangement could feel "pretty messy".This meant it was important to create smooth transitions for children each time they arrived home."That idea of taking extra time to ground children when they arrive, "OK, you're here now and this is what our week is going to look like."While the adults in the new family group should keep their own relationship strong, Gallagher says children need one-on-one time with their biological parents so they aren't always sharing them with the new partner.This is also a good way of acknowledging blood ties."It's not that suddenly we're a big happy family and we're all the same because we're not actually. We've all got different histories and different allegiances, different loyalties and expectations. .so we have to honour that."Part of creating a successful blended family is managing those expectations."It's about going in with your eyes open. These kids may get along beautifully and it may be everything you possibly imagined but they might not and that's equally valid."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.Why do my children keep fighting? Katy Gosset looks at all the conflict, competition and general chaos that ensue when kids live under the same roof.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It's one of the longest relationships we'll have with anyone so why don't we show the sibling bond a bit more love?Instead the connection between brothers and sisters is often fraught, beset by fighting and jealousy.Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher says people often prioritise romantic relationships or those with their peers or children and the sibling relationship was taken for granted.Yet, she says, while our brothers and sisters can be "the bane of our existence", they're also a source of great fun and huge support."The sibling relationship is the longest relationship that we will have in our lifetimes so it's really worthy of attention and often doesn't get much."Except, of course, when there's fighting involved, and that is when it really grabs parents' attention." often when people will come to me about this stuff, in terms of "How do I deal with this stuff?" because it can be hugely triggering for parents."A good starting point for understanding why children fight is to imagine how great the change could feel for a child when a new sibling arrives, she says."This little sister is going to make loud noises, poo a lot, take attention away from you. They aren't old enough to play with and Mum and Dad suddenly seem tired and grumpy."Gallagher says all these things would take time for a child to adjust to even if a family was well prepared but the process can help build resilience."Adjusting to siblings can be a good model to be exposed to because it's one of many changes child's going to have in life."And the whole business of getting on with that tiresome new brother or sister can help develop skills such as sharing, conflict resolution and coping with frustration."It's actually OK and, in fact, essential for our kids to be frustrated and sibling relationships are full of frustrations. So you could see as a great space to explore and experience feelings that are important as a growing human being."And there are some lessons too for parents about how to understand sibling rivalry and manage it better.Tips for sibling harmony…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Facing puberty, fitting in at school. It can be hard work for kids. But it's harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child. Growing up, facing puberty, fitting in at school. It's all hard work for kids. But it can be harder still for children who feel they're in the wrong body. Katy Gosset looks at raising a transgender child Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Tom* was three years old when he started asking for male genitalia.At the time his parents thought he was a girl.Tom's father, David*, said his child's sense of who he was arrived along with the ability to communicate."As soon as she could verbalise gender, it was obvious that she was a he."And as time passed, it was also clear this was no passing fad."At first my wife and I thought that we had a tomboy but it's way beyond that."So much so that his child was uncomfortable with a girl's body, preferring to bathe wearing underpants."For me it's sad when you see a kid not being able to take a bath. It's obviously a coping mechanism."Last year Tom started primary school - as a boy.David said there had been some grieving by the family but as Tom's happiness improved, theirs did too. One big moment was Tom's first hair cut as a boy."The weight that came off our child's shoulders, the sense of acceptance, the excitement."For eight year old Juliet* it was a similar experience.Her mum Ana* said her son was always different from his brothers. She recalled him first telling her how."She was jumping on our couch wearing a tutu and she was saying "I'm a girl, I'm a girl, I'm a girl" and at the time he was a boy to us".Juliet gradually became unhappy with her life as a boy."Things got difficult and bad and there were tummy aches and cries. And then the crying became every night and the tummy aches became severe."At first Ana thought her son might be gay. "I was very comfortable with the idea that he may grow up to be a gay man. I thought his life would be happy and society was making progress and that by the time he was an adult he would be fine."But doubts lingered."In the back of my mind there was a small and dark thought: "As long as he's not uncomfortable with his body."Finally, Juliet went back school after the summer break one year, but this time as a girl.Ana said, while the school was very supportive, not everything went smoothly…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end. Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.Ah, toileting training. It has to be done but sometimes it can feel like it will never end.Katy Gosset looks at when to do it, how to do it and why it can seem like everyone else is doing it better.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It may not be celebrated like the first smile or the first unsteady steps, but your toddler's first wee on a toilet is a significant step.When it's not happening, that's an even bigger deal. "Peeing and pooing" are among the issues that create the most worry for parents, says clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."If you're so stressed about it, this can make the whole thing hard to deal with calmly."Good resources by organisations, such as Plunket, are readily available, but the concern for parents came from knowing when and how to apply the information, Gallagher says."Like all parenting decisions, the sources of information that can advise what we should do are many and varied and this can make us feel really confused about what is the right thing."What made things harder is children are "never textbook" and sometimes don't fit the conventional mould."Sometimes our kids step outside the curve."Some resources are aimed at so-called "normal developmental curves", she says.Many parents feel as though they're in competition with other parents who appear to be more successful at toilet training their children."Sometimes there can feel like no more ruthless a judge than another mother whose son is happily running around in his undies."Parents often feel huge anxiety about their role and milestones provided a point of comparison, which leads some to feel they are getting things wrong."Not being quite right does not mean "wrong". It's just a lovely, grey area where we spend a lot of our time as human beings." It's important to build strong support networks, Gallagher says."Because I think if you hope and expect that all parents are going to be on the same team, you're going to be sorely disappointed."The anxiety of the task means parents could make themselves feel safer and more confident through comparison with others, she says."If we can look at someone else and go "Phew, at least we're doing better than they are. At least we're not stuffing it up too much'."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Most kids just want to fit in but many feel thwarted by social anxiety. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how children can navigate social interactions.Most kids just want to fit in - join in games, hang out with friends and know what to say. But many are thwarted by social anxiety. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to help children handle social interactions.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.Most teenagers are ruled by their social lives.But if 19 year old Lucy*, who suffers from social anxiety, kept a diary, there wouldn't be too much in it.Her mother, Sarah*, says Lucy turned down most invitations, not because she didn't like her friends but because social gatherings made her too anxious. "If she's invited to something she goes into total panic because she knows she's going to have to deal with a crowd of people so then I get tears and anxiety and panic attacks that are quite severe sometimes," Sarah says.Sometimes Lucy's whole body shakes as the anxiety takes hold."She actually said to me she sometimes feels like she almost leaves her body, and I guess that's her coping mechanism to try and deal with what's going on."Sarah says social anxiety has held her daughter back in many ways, preventing her from trying new activities."She will sit back, afraid of people watching her so it's a self-esteem thing. She feels people might laugh at her."Lucy often watches other, younger children trying new things and feels frustrated that she can't bring herself to join in, Sarah says."It's quite a crippling thing and I don't know if people know how crippling it is, the anxiety."Social anxiety is often driven by perfectionism and a fear of criticism or rejection by others, says clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher."Underlying it are often fears that something is wrong with us or we will do something wrong, such as making a mistake, going red in the face or performing poorly."People with social anxiety worry that these mistakes will be exposed to others and they'll be judged negatively, Catherine says."Our worry brains can tell us we need to be perfect or flawless or, to the other extreme, we're destined for an epic YouTube-worthy fail and there's no in between."So anxious brains are often black and white brains - we're either on fire or it's a complete disaster."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Anxiety can silence many children and, as the anxiety gets bigger, people's lives get smaller. Katy Gosset looks at how to help kids face their worries head on.Anxiety, anxiety everywhere, but not always a lot of help for parents trying to get their kids through it. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist about how to help children face their fears head-on.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.First things first. If your child is anxious about ...Social rejection... driving a car... feeling pressured ... dogs... performing... earthquakes ... being perfect ... staying away from home ... wind... spiders...You are not alone.These are just some of the many themes troubling young people today."My son had quite, not extreme, but moderately difficult anxiety. If he was at school and had to take a message to another class he would be panicking, even if he knew the teacher" Mother of two."Anxiety, that's a big issue, with our youngest one. It came after the quakes. Then wind and rain. She had trouble going to school a lot of days." Mother of four."If we go somewhere and people are trying new things she will sit back, afraid of people watching her so it's a self-esteem thing. She worries that people might laugh at her." Mother of three.And sometimes the anxiety brings on a physical reaction."It's almost like she just freezes. I know the signs in her straight away when she's starting to feel a bit uncomfortable and panicking." Mother of three.This can make parents want to step in and protect their children."It's really holding her back in quite a lot of things which is frustrating for me to watch but I can understand how she's feeling so I do the best I can to help her through it." Mother of three.Understanding It So the good news first: Anxiety is hugely common.OK, that's not really good news but anxiety is also both normal and completely necessary.So says clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher, who regularly sees young people with anxiety issues.Mr Gallagher says it's completely understandable that parents want to protect their children by stepping in and reducing uncomfortable feelings and experiences.But there are other things they can do.Number One is gaining a solid understanding of what actually drives anxiety.Raising the AlarmIt all starts with our built-in alarm system."Like most living people we need an alarm system to signal threat."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Katy Gosset is back - with psychologist Catherine Gallagher and a bunch of parents - to give us hope as we deal with our kids. New episodes here from Thursday 12 AprilGo to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

How can we best help our children grow and develop, without losing sight of who they actually are? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about the R&D of child rearing.How can we best help our children grow and develop, without losing sight of who they actually are? In Episode 12 of Are We There Yet?, Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about the R&D of child rearing.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.It was the schoolyard slur at some point in my youth: "Go grow a brain, why don't you ?!"And, obviously, no one wanted to appear deficient in that area.And for parents, brain and cognitive development, social skills and awareness are all on the radar as things we must teach our children.But how exactly?Cue a flurry of activities, designed to create a well-rounded child..."I played a tonne of classical music when the kids were little. I believe it helps make neurons connect. I don't know the exact science of it but I think music is good." Mother of two."Oh definitely reading. If you can do lots of reading, it's fantastic." Mother of six.He loves running round the house, running round the car and I'll chase him around. We'll play dinosaurs so it's physical coordination things." Father of two.Naturally, as parents, we tend to introduce our own interests first"One of the kids is very interested in gardening and I like gardening. So I think, do things that you like and get the kids involved with it." Mother of six."I guess I'm very pro getting children outdoors and into nature and just climbing and jumping." Mother of two."We got a welder for Christmas the 12-year-old made a bike. He got an electric wheel from the Internet, welded a frame together and he drives around on it." Mother of six.But children, funnily enough, have minds of their own and preferences and personalities too."Our nine year old loves to sew so he made Christmas stockings last year. We got an old sewing machine from the op shop that he can use and he had a go." Mother of six."We pushed them into surfing because we love surfing. The oldest is incredibly competitive and she's really good now. The middle one just likes to look pretty and walk down the beach with a surfboard and the little one is crazy. She'll just go on the biggest wave possible." Father of three.How much is too much?So children need stimulation to grow, but clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher believes it's the balance that counts…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

When a couple breaks up it's hard for everyone, but Katy Gosset finds parents can help ease the pain for their children by putting them first.When a couple breaks up, it's hard for everyone, not least any children caught in the cross-fire. But parents can help ease the pain by putting their kids first. In episode eleven of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset talks to separated Mums and Dads about how to make co-parenting work.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When a relationship ends, the mad juggle that most parents already face goes into overdrive.Suddenly you're also managing your own feelings of grief, while helping to support children and thinking about a new home and new way of life."It was hectic and a crazy time - the actual separation." - Father/stepfather of six"You've got the emotional side of breaking up with someone but you're also feeling really, really guilty for the children." - Mother of three"The kids were really confused. They didn't know what was happening, even though we explained it quite a few times." - Father/stepfather of sixThere are new routines to get used to and ways of easing the blow for children"I think the fact that they got to see their Dad a lot really helped and that became quite normal for them after a time." - Mother of three"We still go to all the kids' events together. new partner comes along and that just shows to your children that despite the fact that their parents aren't living together anymore, they're still a united front for them (the children)." - Mother of two"There were times when it was hard for everyone but the more consistent the plan was, the better it was for them." - Father/stepfather of sixAnd parents also have to adjust to their new lives."I was terrified of not seeing all the time. That, to this day, is still the most unnatural feeling in the world." - Mother of two"That guilt would come in and I'd be feeling almost like failed at the family situation and that would make it pretty tough at times." - Mother of three"I love my children immensely and I like them so I've always wanted to be around them. And so three nights a week I'm not and I hate it." - Mother of twoAnd then there are feelings of frustration or anger towards former partners or spouses which really shouldn't be articulated in front of children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Why won't my child go to bed ? What if she wakes in the night ? And what about nightmares ? Katy Gosset explores the battleground known as bedtime.Why won't my child go to bed ? What if she wakes in the night ? And what about nightmares ? For many parents bedtime is a battle ground. In Episode Ten of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset looks at the struggle to sleep.Listen to the full podcast here:Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We've all been there.Whether it's sitting for ages in a child's bedroom, murmuring soothing words ...Offering "just one more story"...Or listening, anguished, to crying from another room, whilst bargaining with our partner or spouse: "No, you go this time," "It's your turn."And our children can be at their most resourceful when it comes to subverting the night time ritual. "They try lots of tricks, like more stories or even tidying to try and prevent going to bed" - Father of three, stepfather of three more.For babies and young children habits form and it can be up to parents to break them. "With the twins, they reached nine months and they still weren't sleeping through the night and I was so tired" - Mother of sixAnd for this mother, allowing them to cry while her husband continued to check on them soon brought results."After three days they were sleeping all night long. I kicked myself for not doing it sooner. Nine months of waking up all the time is just insane."As children age, their bedtime varies but when they get cranky, an early bedtime is often a good idea."The earlier the better, it just goes downhill the later it gets and the grumpier they get or the more amped they are" - Father of three, stepfather of three more. And parents have to accept that children are individuals and will have different needs"I like to sleep a lot and I know two of my children are the same as me. Whereas other ones in the family, when they get tired, they run around like lunatics and they get really hyper" - Mother of sixLearning to SettleClinical Psychologist and mother of two Catherine Gallagher knows first-hand what it's like when a child won't sleep."It wasn't 'til I was a parent of a new born with reflux that I realised why sleep deprivation was a torture strategy."And it's torturous because, young or old, we all need sleep."Sleep is vital for brain development and physical health. So we need our babies to sleep for both their health and our sanity."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Changing roles, gender stereotypes and being the only bloke at the coffee morning. Katy Gosset looks at the pressures on modern dads.Changing roles, gender stereotypes and being the only bloke at the coffee morning. Modern fathers have more options to spend time with their children but that can bring different pressures and expectations. In this episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset looks at navigating fatherhood in 2017.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We've all seen them - men jogging behind prams or striding about with tiny babies in front packs strapped to broad chests.The modern dad often looks effortlessly comfortable in this role.But fathers can find it just as tricky as mothers to adjust to the change in lifestyle."You don't have much of a chance to go out. Most of the conversation revolves around the baby. That's all great but it's completely different to what life was like beforehand." Father of one"You're going to be at home a lot. You'll be at home for some hours sometimes in the middle of the day. I a lot of activity so I found that quite a shock." Father of twoThey'll find themselves too in different environments; coffee groups, music sessions and, more often than not, surrounded by women.It takes a bit of getting used to..."I remember going to a music thing at a local church with our baby. It was all women. I was the only guy and I just felt so isolated. It was a really unpleasant experience." Father of twoFor another man, the women present were "super supportive" but he was aware of other, less positive, anecdotes."I've heard stories of family rooms where fathers have been present and mothers have scoffed at their arrival into the room but it's never happened to me." Father of two."You have these funny little interactions: "Oh Daddy Day Care is it today?" That sort of stuff used to wind me up a bit." Father of two.Also irksome were double standards from stay at home mums. In one man's case he saw a local mother several times as he walked to various chores."She said "Do you do any work?" I just thought "Wow, Really ? Yeah, quite a bit."He found it an odd comment from a fellow stay-at-home parent."What was her expectation that, because I was a guy I should be working as well ? I found that wound me up quite bit." And then there were the societal expectations that men felt to be a certain kind of dad…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

What are our children eating ? And what if they're actually not eating much at all ? Katy Gosset talks to parents about the rise of eating disorders.What are our children eating ? And what should we do if we find that, actually, they're not eating very much ? Social media feeds mean young people face more pressure to look a certain way. In Episode Eight of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset looks at the rise of eating disorders.Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.We all have our preferences, let's face it.And. yes, there are certain vegetables that may never win a popularity contest. (Hello brussels sprouts !)And yet we need this stuff: a broad range of vegetables, grains, fats and carbohydrates. So how, then, do we deal with a growing suspicion that our offspring, usually an older and more independent child, may be skipping some of these key food groups altogether?"She was very, very clever about hiding her body for some time in very baggy clothes." Mother of twoAnd how do we steer our child away from an unhealthy relationship with food ?"I try to tell her she's beautiful be herself but it's really hard because there's always just "No, I don't want to do it because I'm fat." Mother of fourAnd in the case of one daughter, there were many ploys used to mask just how her attitude towards food had changed."When I questioned her, she very cleverly would just retort "Oh Mum, you don't need to worry, I went to Subway after school" or "We shared pizza at lunchtime as well""There was always something to try and take me off track."This daughter suffered a stomach injury while horse riding and that provided another excuse to avoid food.But her mother's nagging fears continued and she contacted specialists, desperate to find a reason why her daughter couldn't eat.Eventually matters came to a head during a visit to the family's GP."We basically backed her into a corner and he just said "You're choosing not to eat." A Devastating DiagnosisThe impact of this revelation came as a tremendous shock for the girl's parents."It was a huge, huge deal to me. My husband and I just about collapsed."The pair felt a mixture of disbelief at the diagnosis and relief at finally having a name for their daughter's struggle.But it was still a shock to grasp the extent of the eating disorder when the mother unintentionally saw her daughter undressed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Life changes don't come much bigger than having a baby. But with the excitement comes stress. Katy Gosset looks at coping with a new baby. When it comes to life changes, it doesn't get much bigger than having a baby. But with the excitement comes stress. In Episode Seven of Are We There Yet? Katy Gosset looks at coping with a new baby and what to do when you find you're not coping. Subscribe free to Are We There Yet. On iPhones: iTunes, RadioPublic or Spotify. On Android phones: RadioPublic or Stitcher.When you're preparing for a baby, along with all the other information you get, there's a thing called a "layette".It's a funny word (it comes from the Old French term for a drawer) but, essentially, it's a kind of checklist of all the clothes and accessories your new baby will need:- Nappies- Babygros- Tiny woollen vests - Muslin cloths ... etc etc,.. you get the pictureShame no-one really tells you about that OTHER post-baby checklist:- Sleep deprivation (leading to general exhaustion)- Anxiety- The sense that you haven't a clue what you're doing- Did I mention exhaustion?And so on ...Obviously, you love your baby and it's all very exciting but it is tiring and the sudden change to your lifestyle can come as a bit of shock."When baby arrived it was all sunshine and rainbows for the first few weeks and then reality hit and it all came crumbling down." - Mother of two"The complete and utter change in your life is quite amazing and that's something you don't really get your head around until it happens." - Father of one"Some people really love that young baby stage and I'm just a different person and that didn't suit me." - Mother of twoSo coping with a new baby can be tough but what happens when we find that, actually, we're not coping? I'm now finding that all the pressures of life just seem to be quite overwhelming. - Mother of twoFor one mother things came to a head when she won a $250 voucher in a prize draw."Normally you'd feel pretty excited, pretty stoked that you'd basically won $250 and I just a felt a little bit of surprise, a little bit of disbelief."She realised that she was increasingly numb and was no longer really feeling emotions.It made her concerned that she might not be able to appreciate her child's development."I thought to myself, how awful would it be if my daughter reached a milestone like rolling over and I just think to myself "Wow, Whoopee." I couldn't stand the thought of that."…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

School thugs or spiteful secrets - whatever form of bullying they face, children need help. Katy Gosset talks to a clinical psychologist about beating the bullies.Smacked around by schoolyard thugs or the target of spiteful secrets. Whatever form it takes, bullying is horrible for children and heart breaking for their parents. In the sixth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to beat the bullies. For parents it's a dirty word.Worse than swearing.When they hear "bully" it's hard not to react."It's heart breaking to see your child going through this. It's hard to what it is about her that made people feel they could do that to her." Mother of three"Her entire school life was, dare I say it, really bitchy girls who just wanted to bring her down." Mother of twoAnd bullying comes in many guises.Many may be visualising a physical encounter: the school yard stand over tactics. And yes, that still happens, as one mother found when her son was targeted by "the classic threesome group of bullies""You get the lead who definitely sets the pace and then you get the followers that do it because their mate's cool and he's doing it so it must be cool."These bullies targeted everyone in their year group until her son stood up to them and became their sole focus."It all came to a bit of a head when he was beaten up in class before the teacher got there. Luckily some kid who wasn't supposed to have their phone on videoed it so they had video evidence"But then there's the nasty, insidious sort of bullying, often done by girls, that amounts to being left out of the gang."I remember this - I hate the word "popular" - group, but she was always so desperate to be part of that group which just used to enrage me.""Being accepted by them was huge to her."And this mother said her daughter's desire to fit in made her vulnerable."She was like a beacon for those other kids. They could just sense a weakness."She said the girls bullied her daughter by excluding her from social activities and talking about the events later and, in one case, boycotting her 14th birthday party sleepover.He daughter was excited about having the "popular" group come over but two days before the party they all contacted her to say they couldn't come."It was a very manipulative, bitchy, degrading, consistent bullying where it was just constant.""So it was a very lonely experience for her."So How Can Children and Their Parents Beat the Bullies ?…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

In an increasingly anxious world, some young people are turning to self- harm. Katy Gosset asks a clinical psychologist how to cope with cutting.In an increasingly anxious world, some young people are turning to self- harm. In the fifth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents and a clinical psychologist about how to cope with cutting.We expected meltdowns, slammed doors and sulking. But not this.Self-harm is the silent, scary issue no parent really sees coming."I was gutted, really upset. I just couldn't understand why she was doing it and worried that it might lead to something else... I was sad for her." Mother of four"It started in a very minor way but it became an obsession. It became her way of coping with, she told me many times, the pain inside her head. So causing physical pain was a release to her." Mother of two These mothers found ways to help their children and both daughters are on the path to recovery but one woman vividly recalls the emotion she felt upon seeing what her child had done."I was just devastated. I just couldn't understand it. At first I'd get really angry." Her daughter began to self-harm while in hospital receiving treatment for a serious eating disorder."I remember one of the first times I'd come in after she'd just done it. I just wanted it to disappear and I was quite unsympathetic with her.""I said] "What are you doing ? We 're trying to help you and here you are sabotaging it. I didn't understand what it was about."Things got worse before they got better.Her daughter's self-harm culminated in two suicide attempts.However, after medical intervention and many months away from class, the teenager has now started afresh in a new school with a different group of friends.Yet her mother says the physical scars remain on her daughter's body and the experience has also left its mark on those around her."How do you manage the stress and impact on the family ? How do you, as a working mother, manage your full-time job and still manage to rock up every morning and not fall apart. It's huge "She said dealing with self-harm was also lonely as many family members and friends struggled to understand and often said the wrong thing."Why can't she just do this ?" or "Give her to me for a week and I'll get her fixed."The mother said ultimately she ended up withdrawing socially and feeling she couldn't keep up with friends or coffee groups…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Phones, tablets, laptops, whatever the device, your children will want to get their hands on it. Katy Gosset tackles the struggle against screen time.Phones, tablets, laptops, whatever the device, your children will want to get their hands on it. In the fourth episode of Are We There Yet ? Katy Gosset talks to parents about the struggle against screen time."Your time is up !"That's the catch cry of parenting today.Once it might have been "Dinner time", "Time to go to school", "Time to brush your teeth, go to bed ...etc, etc."Now it's all about screen time.How much are my children getting ? Are they getting too much ? And is it affecting their brains ?In the struggle against screens, some have switched off entirely."For probably about a year we've had no television for the kids , when they go to their grandparents they binge actually on TV to make up for the TV they don't get at our place." Father of two"They can turn on the TV themselves so I actually completely unplug it.. It was very challenging probably at the start he'd be like "I want TV, I want the Ipad" but I would just sure I was there to be able to interact with him, play with him distraction techniques." Mother of twoOthers with older children have had to monitor online activities closely"We stop at 9.00pm. They can have it after school when they come home but no phones at the dinner table.ever." Mother of fourAnd then there are outside influences... Listen to Are We There Yet?"My younger kid, he's probably the one that I worry about more and he's also much more influenced by other kids and what they're doing- like shown how to access a porn site."He wasn't interested in it but other kids were showing him and he thought that was what you had to do." Mother of two.So how much is too much ?Clinical psychologist, Catherine Gallagher said, ironically, she found good information online about age appropriate screen time durations, courtesy of the American Academy of Pediatrics."They had some findings: under 18 months: apparently none. In between two and five: one hour a day and between six and 18 up to two hours a day."Ms Gallagher said, while these were useful guidelines, they could also promote guilt."I read that and automatically thought 'my children are going to be disadvantaged because they've certainly had more than that.'"She believed screen time was neither good or bad: it was about striking the balance…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Did your delicious dinner get the "Yuck!" treatment? Katy Gosset talks to families about fussy eating and a clinical psychologist serves up some tips.'Why can't my child just eat a vegetable?' is the refrain of many parents. Katy Gosset examines the fraught issue of fussy eating in the third episode of Are We There Yet. ListenWhen did you last dish up a disgusting meal?If you've got children, chances are it's happened in the last week.We might imagine ourselves to be good cooks but our kids say otherwise, banning broccoli and brussels sprouts from their plates, spurning sauces and spices and issuing insults like there's no tomorrow."My younger child, he would just refuse to try any foods and he would just say 'It's yucky' - mother of two."They probably ate vegetables up until about 18 months and then it was like their taste buds came in and it was 'Nah!' - mother of two."I don't know what it is. They just don't like anything now. It's like you've basically got to cook up a My Kitchen Rules dinner for them or something and they might eat it" - mother of four.Little wonder then that parents resort to creative solutions."I'd mix things in with other things so they wouldn't notice what they were, like cauliflower ... maybe slice it really thin and put it in with mashed potato" - mother of four."They both love to bake so I put things like pumpkin in scones or grated zucchini in cakes as ways of getting vegetables into them" - mother of two.Is something wrong with our cooking? Why do our children reject the meal in the first place? Catherine GallagherClinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher has spent years working with parents on feeding issues and says there can be many reasons for fussy eating.But it usually begins with biology."It starts with sensory sensitivities. It can start with reflux. It can start with allergies... and then some kids just don't love food."Others may reject a certain food because it resembles or reminds them of another disliked item.Children are reacting to both their biology and the anxiety it generates, Ms Gallagher says."So if I've eaten food or had stuff go into my tummy and then I've felt sick, then I'm going to develop ways to go "'Bleurrgh... keep that out of my face'."The child's reaction then provokes anxiety in his or her parents, she says.She experienced this first hand when taking her own child to Plunket to be weighed…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

What to do when your child talks back. Katy Gosset talks to parents and a child psychologist about "oppositional behaviour" and tackling the 'tude.What do you do when your child talks back? Katy Gosset looks at tackling the 'tude in the second episode of Are We There Yet.We've all had it. Whether it was a slammed door, a "you're not the boss of me" or just a big, fat "no".As parents we might know it as attitude, 'tude, back chat or talking back. But, for clinical psychologist Catherine Gallagher, it's oppositional behaviour.And she says kids know just how to dish it out."They learn what your hot spots are and they'll use them mercilessly. That's not because they're evil - they're doing it because it works."First up, let's clarify just what oppositional behaviour is. Ms Gallagher says, in short, it's doing the opposite of what someone has said that you should do."Things like talking back, digging your toes in and not doing the jobs, or going on the go-slow or arguing back: all of the above."And for parents it can be maddening."There's the slamming doors and they'll just go off to their room and we'll say, 'Well, if you do that one more time I'll take your door off your hinge,' and then there's more aggro," one mother of four told us."You just have to draw a line in the sand and let them know it's not acceptable," a father of two said.Ms Gallagher believes some of the tension arises because parenting is such a personal business."These little creatures, we love them to bits. So, when they look at us like we're a piece of poo on their shoe and 'how dare you even say that' and 'I don't love you' - all of those things that kids can provocatively say because they know it's going to hit a mark - it can be incredibly challenging."But, she says, the reasons behind this kind of conflict can come as a surprise to parents."Sometimes oppositional behaviour can come from 'I just don't know what to do'."It's easy for parents to assume a child is refusing to do an activity because they simply don't want to do it, she says."In actual fact, it might be, 'I'm not ringing up that friend on the phone because I'm anxious.' Or, 'I don't actually know how to do that. I never practised ringing someone on the phone. What do you say? What might they say?'"So oppositional behaviour can come from a lack of skill."Ms Gallagher says it can also occur when parents put unrealistic expectations onto children…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Katy Gosset introduces a new series on the Pleasures, Pratfalls and Practical Lessons of Parenting in the Modern World.Katy Gosset takes a fresh look at the challenges of parenting in a changing world in the first episode of Are We There Yet? Wanted: Committed mothers and fathers for demanding, full-time positionsWork will include cooking, cleaning and attending to the bodily functions and psychological needs of a dependent.You will be committed to top quality and engaging child rearing techniques, balancing emotional intelligence with a high threshold for being judged and ridiculed. A comprehensive general knowledge, covering everything from childhood illnesses and social media platforms through to Sponge Bob Square Pants and other inexplicable pop cultural references is a must.You'll be calm under pressure and in the face of extreme untidiness, bringing order and compassion to stressful situations, and negotiating tight deadlines and thankless tasks with ease, possibly whilst half-asleep. A strong, broadcast quality voice is essential for the regular and repetitive reading of bedtime stories and the delivery of firm rules.Remuneration: Nil (although some emotions may occur naturally, including, but not limited, to love, excitement, exhilaration and fear, tempered with exhaustion).Please note: This position includes shift-work.Apply Now: (The faint hearted need not bother).It's a Tough Job but someone's got to do It...Ever felt like you've got all the answers?How about a miraculous manual on parenting tucked under your pillow?No? OK then, chances are, like most parents, you've embarked on the great adventure that is child-rearing equipped only with the best of intentions, plenty of enthusiasm and perhaps a dash of trepidation. But what follows can sometimes best be described a roller coaster.'You kind of feel like you're bumbling your way through really. There isn't a manual for kids and it's hard to know if you're doing the right thing really. And sometimes you're not," - mother of two Parenthood has always been exciting, rewarding and just a little terrifying, but in 2017 the challenges have changed.The intricacies of the Internet, social media and an increasingly fast-paced life can make parenting a stressful business.Are We There Yet? examines some of the pressing issues parents face today, contrasted with historical audio, courtesy of Archives New Zealand and Ngā Taonga Sound and Vision."It really is hard. It's like you've got to be the answer to everything and you can't answer everything can you ? I love it though," - mother of four…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details