Delete Your Defaults

What if the unknown wasn’t something to fear—but something to meet with curiosity?In this episode, we explore wonder as a powerful antidote to control, fear, and self-importance. From “what’s the best that could happen?” to loosening your grip on outcomes, we unpack how wonder opens new possibilities—in your choices, your identity, and your capacity to experience life more fully. 

The story suggests that courage feels powerful, but we bust that myth in this conversation.We talk about why acting in the presence of fear is the real definition of courage, how avoidance quietly shrinks your life, and why expanding your capacity to feel discomfort is the gateway to freedom. From night swimming to skydiving to awkward social risks, we unpack how fear is often more about protecting identity than actual survival—and how moving through it opens up your world. We also dive into practical ways to build courage. Referenced in this episode: Chris Hemsworth (Limitless), Joe Hudson (The Art of Accomplishment).

For our April 1 episode, we took a deep dive into KPop Demon Hunters — the absurd, hilarious, surprisingly moving movie that gave us demon boy bands, soul-sucking pop anthems, six-eyed magpies in tiny hats, and one of our favorite metaphors in a long time. We walk through the whole film, from Huntrix battling demons mid-flight to the slow unraveling of Rumi’s hidden shame, and explore why this ridiculous premise works so well. Along the way, we talk about appetite, belonging, secrecy, repair, and the way the soundtrack carries the emotional heart of the story.What starts as a playful movie recap turns into a rich conversation about the parts of ourselves we hide, the damage shame does when it stays secret, and the freedom that becomes possible when we tell the truth about who we are. We dig into Rumi and Jinu as mirrors for the human struggle with self-rejection, secrecy, and longing to belong, and we reflect on one of the film’s deepest truths: we can’t heal what we refuse to face. Also: Derpy the tiger is perfect, “Your Idol” is a banger, and yes, we are formally requesting a prequel.

If you’ve been exhausting yourself trying to control what can’t be controlled, this episode offers a gentler, braver path: cultivate self-trust, release the performance, and discover what becomes possible when you’re finally free to be yourself.We unpack the illusion of control and why confidence is built after you move — not before. From rock climbing metaphors to reframing your inner critic, this conversation is an invitation to loosen your grip on outcomes and step into the unknown with trust.True freedom is an inside job. It’s the embodied sense that you can handle what arises in the present moment. It’s being willing to feel scared and move anyway. It’s celebrating frustration as proof that you’re growing. We draw from psychology, spirituality, and lived experience — here are a few touchpoints from this conversation:Ram Dass – Referenced for his perspective on presence and the idea that we’re all “God in a spacesuit,” here to experiment and explore rather than win the achievement game. Check out in particular his book Be Here Now for perspectives on liberation.Nelson Mandela – An example of profound inner freedom, even under conditions of literal imprisonment.Tommy Caldwell – Mentioned in the context of resilience, risk, and the relationship between failure and growth.

In this episode, we explore perspective—the invisible spectacles you’re wearing every moment of your life. From snowy silence and the subtle sound of hot water changing temperature, to conflict, politics, business growth, and even God’s-eye view, we unpack how where you stand determines what you see.Perspective isn’t just opinion—it’s the frame built from your identities, experiences, and the information you consume. And when you don’t realize you’re wearing those spectacles, you mistake your version of reality for the reality. That’s when curiosity shuts down and conflicts harden.But if you are your perspective, then you are far more changeable than you think.We share practical tools for shifting your frame—physically embodying opposing viewpoints, consulting your inner “roles,” asking better questions, and loosening the grip of stories that keep you small. Whether you’re in conflict with someone else or wrestling with the parts of yourself that crave safety while longing for expansion, this conversation invites you into a more spacious way of seeing.Change your perspective, and you change your world.

Doubt isn’t evidence that something is wrong with you; it’s often a sign that you’re standing at the edge of growth, exposure, and transformation.Doubt is a signal worth listening to. In this episode we explore doubt as a fear-based safety strategy—tightening the body and spinning the mind. From failed launches and lingering colds to Stoicism, gym metaphors, and welcoming discomfort, this conversation reframes adversity as invitation. What if the experiences you least prefer are also the ones strengthening your capacity, deepening self-trust, and opening you to real connection? What if doubt itself is a doorway—asking you not to retreat, but to lean inThis episode offers practices, reflections, and a compassionate reorientation toward uncertainty, reminding you that you don’t need perfection to trust yourself… and that sometimes, the very cracks you’re trying to hide are how connection gets in.

Let's dismantle one of our most seductive illusions: that we’re in control, and that that's what makes us safe.In this episode, we explore how control, expectations, disappointment, and safety are intertwined. We get into what we don’t control (almost everything) from what we do influence (ourselves). We dig into the fact that attempts to control life often backfire—amplifying frustration, resentment, and suffering—and that presence, humor, and self-responsibility tend to soften experience and open up better outcomes.The episode offers practical ways to “delete the default” of externalized control: replacing should with want, giving yourself the reassurance you seek from others, practicing believable self-talk, and meeting fear and disappointment with compassion instead of resistance. Ultimately, this is a conversation about letting go without giving up—recognizing that it often takes more strength to release control than to cling to it, and that a meaningful life includes falling off the wall, wiping out on the wave, and laughing at your own humanity along the way.

What if love isn’t a feeling, but a verb—a set of actions, choices, and ways of being?In this episode, we take on one of the most loaded words in our culture—love—and get underneath the defaults our culture hands us about what it is and how it's supposed to look.We explore reorienting toward love as an action, a practice, and a capacity for growth—rather than a possession, performance, or obligation.Resources we mention:All About Love by bell hooks — a foundational text reframing love as an ethic and a practiceThe Road Less Traveled — source of the definition of love discussed in the episodeJoe Hudson — referenced for his approach to truth, grief, and relational integrity

In this episode we explore curiosity as a way of being, as a practice that softens defensiveness, loosens certainty, and reopens the doors your nervous system has been calling “walls.” We talk about how our minds invent “facts” in order to maintain the comfortable illusion of certainty, why being wrong is not a moral failure (it’s freedom), and how curiosity makes conflict, coaching, and real relationship possible.If you’ve been feeling closed down, reactive, overly serious, or stuck in “I already know,” this conversation is an invitation to come back to play, possibility, and the courage to ask a better question.

In this episode, we pull apart “perfection” from multiple angles: the rigid, human version that freezes us in place, and the spacious, spiritual sense that everything is already perfect as it is. We track how perfectionism shows up as proficiency fatalism (“they’re so good, why should I even try?”), hidden competitiveness (“if I can’t be sure I’ll win, I don’t want to play”), and a deep avoidance of feelings like disappointment and shame.We talk about perfection as “the anti-try” — the thing that keeps you out of the arena entirely — and contrast it with iteration, play, and being willing to be bad at something (and even be seen being bad at it) on the way to growth. Along the way, we explore growth vs fixed mindset, how confidence is built by surviving failure rather than racking up successes, and how self-kindness turns failures into compost instead of evidence that you’re broken.We mention a bunch of our favorite people! Joe Hudson, Reverend angel Kyodo williams, Carol Dweck and her book Mindset, among others.We close with a pair of invitations:If perfection is a trap, what would make you feel more free in this moment?And if perfection is a myth, what becomes possible when you stop waiting to feel “ready” and let yourself try, fail, learn, and try again?

In this episode, we look under the hood of incentives—the seen and unseen forces that quietly steer our choices. We explore explicit rewards (bonuses, treats, “if I do X I get Y”) and the subtler, socially programmed incentives that keep us car-brained, over-consuming, lonely, and stuck on the individualist treadmill. We talk car culture and walkability, the myth of “more personal freedom = better,” lawnmowers and shared resources, consumerism as “the perfection of slavery,” and how all of this fuels burnout, anxiety, and environmental collapse. Then we bring it back to the personal: how to notice the urges that move you, align your incentives with your real values, and use tiny, intentional “self-tricks” to choose connection, community, and a life that’s good for both the bee and the hive.Resources mentioned:Consumerism is the Perfection of Slavery, YouTube lecture by Professor Jiang XueqinThe Soul of Money by Lynne TwistAtomic Habits by James Clear

In this episode, we unpack the slippery power of expectations—how they can motivate, manipulate, cheer or demotivate. We tease apart expectations vs. ambitions vs. intentions, explore why unspoken expectations are The Worst, and offer body-based ways to feel the difference between attachment and optimism. From rock-climbing mantras (“climb hard and have fun”) to million-dollar-goal thought experiments, we keep circling one powerful truth: presence, agency, and clear standards beat future-tense attachment every time.And we leave you with an invitation to explore your relationship to expectations for yourself. For the next two weeks:Notice when an expectation appears.Name it out loud or on paper and get curious about it. Is it spoken? Is it yours?Reframe it to an intention (present, controllable) or an ambition (energizing, values-aligned).Check in with your body: Ask “What does this feel like?” Get to know your body's ways of communicating yes and no.Journal briefly each day to spot patterns and wins.

What if discomfort isn’t something to avoid—but an invitation into expansion, aliveness, and self-trust?In this episode, Rosa and Aaron dive into the strange, surprising terrain of discomfort—anticipation, dread, exhilaration, growth—and what it means to meet it with curiosity instead of resistance. From skydiving and long flights to creative risks and self-talk, we explore why everything you want really is on the other side of some new form of discomfort—and how to cross that threshold with celebration rather than self-punishment.You’ll hear:Why anticipated discomfort is usually worse than the real thingHow novel discomfort (not familiar pain) is where growth actually happensHow to reframe dread as excitement and discomfort as alivenessWhy “experiments” and “mistakes” are the true markers of expansionThe danger of proficiency fatalism (and how to start anyway)Practices for befriending discomfort: movement, reframing, self-encouragement, and aweWe're here to remind you that discomfort doesn’t stand in your way—it just happens to be in front of you.

In this episode, Rosa and Aaron unpack why most “communication” isn’t—yet. We explore trading “How are you?” for openings that spark real connection, explore why “Does that make sense?” falls flat, and share practical moves like reflection and slowing down to speed up. Along the way we touch on self-talk as a performance enhancer, the limits of language, and the courage to keep conversations open, curious, and kind.We reference Delete Your Defaults favorites Alan Watts and Joe Hudson.

If you’re ready for friendships (and a life) that can hold truth, tenderness, and growth—this one’s for you.Episode snapshotRosa and Aaron unpack what we call full-contact friendship: relationships where we stop performing, tell the truth, and meet each other in the gritty, generous middle. You’ll hear about midlife “unraveling,” the comfort trap, type-2 fun, and the inner work that makes vulnerability feel less like free-fall and more like strength training for the soul.Mentioned in this episodeBrené Brown — The Midlife UnravelingMichael Easter — The Comfort CrisisRyan Holiday — The Obstacle Is the WayArt of Accomplishment (Joe Hudson) — the “enjoy this 10% more” experimentJordan Hirsch — improv-based coaching

For all that we live in a world that pretends we’re rational beings doing rational things, feelings drive everything in our lives, or block everything. Developing the skill of feeling our feelings, allowing them to move, expressing them healthily determines the quality of our relationships, our creative output, our work product, and so much more.We explore how our feelings can bring us wisdom and information the brain can’t grasp or hold onto, the value of intuition, We mention Joe Hudson and his awesome coaching videos. Here’s the specific one we refer to. Here’s another.We also mention two breathwork apps: Pause and Breathwrk.Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at [email protected] (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

This episode explores vulnerability as the core to full contact living, how avoiding vulnerability is a way of trying to be in control and stay safe. But what is safety? Protecting ourselves from life means protecting ourselves from living.Vulnerability is the courage of giving ourselves permission to BE ourselves out loud, and in so doing, making ourselves available for real connection.We explore resistance, attachment, and changing our minds. We mention poet Andrea Gibson: check out their amazing work all over the internet, and Brene Brown and the midlife unraveling.Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at [email protected] (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

People are craving authenticity more and more – both expressing it and being around others who are embodying it. We explore our own challenges to being authentically self expressed and our experiences getting in touch with it.We mention a few resources!Brene Brown and her concept of the Midlife Unraveling.Doctor Rachel Zoffness, who was featured on the Pain episode of the Ologies podcast.Rosa's membership program Befriend Your Body.Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

What humans are capable of is so fucking awesome. Why don't we lean into more of that and less efficiency and making money?What does it mean to live fully? How do we be present to enjoy our lives? We explore the value of boredom, and Aaron commits to going on a boredom quest. We discuss the pleasures of getting to know the landscape of our neighborhoods and the simple yet mind-bending idea that we are one with all of existence.We refer repeatedly to Alan Watts, including The Book, which is available as a downloadable pdf.Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

In this episode, we explore what it really means to be kind, the cost of being nice, what it means to be real, and what’s the deal with so much fakeness these days?We mention these pieces:Kim Scott: Radical Candor: Fully Revised & Updated Edition: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your HumanityGreg Story of Brilliant Crank: We've built a society on bullshit and emojis and LinkedIn is a waiting room of doomJim Dethmer on conscious leadershipDave Gray: Liminal Thinking: Create the Change You Want by Changing the Way You ThinkBryan Cantril talk: Principles of Technology Leadership | Bryan Cantrill | Monktoberfest 2017From Sahil Bloom's Curiosity Chronicle: Are you into your pattern interrupts?Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

All humans – including you! – are creative. And we all have creative processes, though we aren't always aware of what they are. In this conversation, we explore our creative processes, and barriers and facilitators to creativity.We mention a bunch of people, including:Gary Bernhardt of Destroy All SoftwareI credit Maya Angelou with the quote that you should let your failures refine you, not define you, but it turns out it was Max Lucado who said that.Atomic Habits by James ClearLouie Parkinson of Catalyst ClimbingBrene Brown in reference to midlife "unraveling" adrienne maree brown and her quote that, "Feeling good isn't frivolous; it's freedom."Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

In this episode, we explore the concept of work life balance, the definition of success, and the foundational question of what is your life for?We mention a bunch of books, podcasts, and people! Here they are:Douglas Rushkoff and his Team Human podcastPaved Paradise: How Parking Explains the World by Henry GrabarKilled by a Traffic Engineer: Shattering the Delusion that Science Underlies our Transportation System by Wes MarshallThe High Cost of Free Parking: Updated Edition by Donald ShoupProfessor Scott Galloway (No Mercy / No Malice), whose Prof G pod and Pivod Podcast can be found hereThe Daily Stoic - Stoic Wisdom For Everyday Life - by Ryan HolidayOur music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

We explore endings, beginnings, their cocreative nature, and how we relate to them. Why is it easier to feel the pain of loss than the delight of gain?In this episode, we refer to:Jim Rohn, motivational speakerbreathwork for metabolizing stress and supporting embodied health and wellnessSahil Bloom and his Curiosity Chronicle newsletterOur music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

Unsustainable is just another way of saying "losing strategy". We explore layers of unsustainability in our current modern life and expansive reframes for optimism.Resources mentioned:Nebula video platformTeam Human by Douglas RushkoffFavorite charities mentioned:Transformative ChangeDirect ReliefBrennan Center for JusticeAmerican Civil Liberties UnionEarthjusticeNational Park FoundationElectronic Frontier FoundationParking Reform NetworkAmerica WalksOur music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

This episode explores the idea of truth, whether objective truth exists, and how to relate to uncertainty. We cover ground from spirituality to politics.Books, services, and other sources we mention in this episode include:Nickel and Dimed: On Not Getting by in America by Barbara EhrenreichLiminal Thinking: Create the Change You Want by Changing the Way You Think by Dave GrayReadwise appThe Curiosity Chronicles by Sahil BloomThe Dawn Wall (movie) and Free Solo (movie)Our music is by “Music Unlimited” from Pixabay. You can write to us at ⁠[email protected]⁠ (and we really do read all the emails).Find this and all of our episodes on deleteyourdefeaults.show, or anywhere you get your podcasts. If you’re listening on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, consider giving us a five-star review; it helps us find other listeners like you.

Us vs. Them, and can we overcome our social programming to become wise? How do we engage with difference while respecting each others' humanity? What do we do with the messiness of reality, where multiple people can disagree and be right at the same time?Books that are relevant to this conversation include:Liminal Thinking by Dave GrayWhat It Takes to Heal by Prentis Hemphill

What is the point of your life? How our trained incompetence serves a way of life that's not serving us.We mention the book Bullshit Jobs by David Graeber and his article on the same topic, On the Phenomenon of Bullshit Jobs: A Work Rant. and the concept of Vibe Coding.