Cracks In Time The Podcast

Prefer the video version? Click here to watch 🎥As you can see… we are in a totally different location today.We are in my car. {if you listening or reading just imagine me in a car 🤣}Because I am a busy mom.I’m at co-op for my daughter. My son isn’t big enough yet, so… car it is. This is where we’re working today.And today we’re talking all things my book.First of all—side note—this is like my fourth computer case. My kids keep breaking them. Thank God for cases because my laptop would not have survived at this point.Anyways.We are remote working on my book today, and I wanted to give you guys an update because… I’m actually writing again.I sent my book to my editor—I think in January? I honestly don’t even remember at this point. But it’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and looked at it.So if you’re new here—hi. My name is Ash Kairie. I am writing a romantic paranormal dystopian fantasy.Yes… it’s a mouthful.Yes… it’s confusing.Yes… it makes my life slightly miserable.But I love it.I love the story. I love the characters. I love what it’s doing.It’s just… a beast.This is my debut novel, and I really said go big or go home… which maybe was a choice.Because I’ve had to reevaluate this book so many times.It was originally supposed to be a six book series.Halfway through writing it, I decided: nope. One book.Why?Because I was so over it. I wanted to go write contemporary romance instead (which is still the plan after this).But this book needs to be finished. I paid my editor. We’re committed. We’re in it.Right now, we’re a little over halfway through.* Chapters 1–10 → basically solid* Chapters 11–20 → lots of “white room syndrome”If you don’t know what that is—it just means your characters are talking, but nothing around them feels real. No environment, no grounding, no sensory detail. Just floating dialogue.Which sounds scary, but honestly… that’s an easy fix. So I’m not too worried about it.What I have been struggling with… is actually writing.I’ve had the go-ahead for weeks. And I just… haven’t touched it.Because the truth is?I’m over writing this book.Not because I don’t love it. I do.But because it’s complex. It’s heavy. It’s layered. There are so many moving pieces. Even after simplifying it ten times—it’s still a lot.And my main character? She sounds nothing like me.She’s clipped. Calculated. Controlled.And I am… not that.So writing in her voice takes effort.BUT.Yesterday?I sat down and wrote three chapters.Are they rough? Yes.Are they complete? Absolutely not.Are they enough to keep moving? Yes.And that’s the goal.I want to push through the next ten chapters, then go back and refine. I need that distance so I can actually see what’s working and what’s not.Right now I’m in this weird space between developmental editing and line editing.We started that way because I had two main issues:* Overwriting* Not staying on trackScenes have always been the hardest thing for me.I understand what a scene is. Beginning, middle, end. I get it.But when I go to write one?My brain just… short circuits.Same thing with outlining. If I outline too much, my brain goes, “cool, the book is done,” and then I don’t want to write it anymore.I don’t know if it’s ADHD. I don’t know what it is. But it slows me down.A lot.But now?We’re at a turning point.My editor is like:“We need MORE.”Which is actually a good problem to have.Adding is so much easier than cutting.And I finally understand that now.So the plan is:Finish writing the book → send the rest to my editor → go through edits → hopefully be done.I want this book published this year.I don’t know if that will happen.I don’t even have a cover yet.But I do have a title… and I love it. I’m just not sharing it yet because things can still change.Story-wise, we are officially past the midpoint.Something big happened. Something the main character did not want to happen.She made a choice—her first real choice—and then immediately… that choice gets ripped away.So now she’s in that place of:“I’m still choosing this. Even if everything is falling apart.”Which complicates everything.We’re in Act 2B now. We know a lot—but not everything.And from here to Act 3?It gets chaotic.Act 3A → all the answersAct 3B → okay… now what? How do we live with this?I have all the major beats mapped out.Not in a super rigid outline, but enough structure to keep me from accidentally ending up in Neverland in a story where Neverland does not exist.Because yes—my brain will do that.And for the first time in a long time… it’s working.Writing those three chapters showed me that.I know where the story is going. I know what needs to happen. I just have to sit down and do it.But also?I’m tired.I’ve been working on this book for three years.And this is why authors always say—if you’re stuck, go write something else for a bit.I don’t have that option right now.I’m working with an editor. We are past that stage.We are in the “we need to finish this” stage.And I will finish it.So if you’re in the same place?* If you’re stuck → try something new, switch projects, shake it up* If you’re working with an editor → I see you. I feel you. We’re in this together.This book will get written.It has to.Because it’s a good story. I love it. I love the characters.I’m just… ready to be done writing it.Also—quick note on filming.You might see more car videos like this.Because honestly? This is the most realistic time for me to film right now.Two kids. Busy life. Trying to balance everything.So if the background changes sometimes… just know we’re making it work.Thank you for being here.Truly.Watching this grow—even slowly—means everything to me.I know it’s still small. But I’m so grateful for every single one of you.This started as a diary for myself… and now people are actually watching.That’s wild to me.If you have questions—about my book, my process, my journey, anything—drop them below.Maybe I’ll do a Q&A soon.And I’ll be back next week with hopefully more progress.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

I don’t think I’ve actually talked about my book.Like really talked about it.The story.The process.The absolute chaos it took to get here.So… let’s talk about it.Because for the first time since I started this journey, I can finally say:I’m excited about my book.If you would much rather watch this click here.The Truth? It Wasn’t Always Like ThisFor almost four years…This book has been the bane of my existence.I wrote the first draft.It was trash.And listen—before anyone comes for me—first drafts are supposed to be trash. But this one?Extra trash.Even the early edits?Still trash.My editor was kind about it (bless her), but the reality was:There was no structure.No real foundation.Just vibes and chaos.And honestly?That’s part of the process.Because what I have now?Is something I’m genuinely proud of.This Book Was an AccidentI did not set out to become an author.This book wasn’t planned.It wasn’t some lifelong dream.It just… happened.And now here we are, years later, with a story that has been rewritten, torn apart, rebuilt, and reshaped into something completely different than what it started as.What I’m Writing (Without Giving Everything Away)My debut novel (currently under a placeholder title 👀) is a:Romantic. Paranormal. Dystopian. Fantasy.Yes.All of that.It’s genre-bending, which is both:* Really fun* And really annoying (especially when it comes to things like covers and marketing)The WorldThe story takes place in a world called Ameridon, where there’s an island called Rhea.Rhea is where hybrids go.Hybrids = people with multiple supernatural abilities.And they’re sent there young—like babies—to learn control.Because without it?They’re volatile.Dangerous.Unstable.Everything at Rhea is built around one goal:Ascension.Graduate. Prove you’re stable.Earn your place back in the world.The Main CharacterDemi.She’s:* The top student* Controlled* Calculated* Morally gray (but not dark-dark)She knows how to play the system.Not for power.But to protect the people she loves.Because her best friend?Is one mistake away from being sent somewhere worse.The CatalystEverything is fine.Until her best friend disappears.And suddenly?Nothing is what it seemed.The Vibes (aka Tropes We Love)Because I know you care about this part:* Found family* Enemies to lovers* “I choose you” romance* Control vs love* Dark academia energy* Hidden manipulation* System vs truthAnd yes…It’s dark.Moody.Chaotic.In the best way.The Characters (My Favorite Part)This is where it gets fun.Because the dynamics?Elite.We’ve got:* Demi – controlled, clipped, hard to write because she is not me* Jaxxon – sunshine chaos in a 7-foot dragon-shifter body* Heximus – dark, moody, grumpy (we love him)* Maeve – calm, calculating, slightly detached* Luna – pure chaos gremlin energy* Juniper – chaotic, playful, unpredictable* Hailynn – structured, mother-hen, rule followerThey’re all different.But somehow they work.And writing their dynamics?Is one of my favorite parts of this entire process.The Turning PointFor the longest time, something wasn’t working.We couldn’t figure out what.The story almost fit—but not quite.Until my editor asked:“What if it had a military structure?”And suddenly—Everything clicked.The world made sense.The villain made sense.Demi made sense.It was like all the puzzle pieces finally snapped into place.Where I’m At NowRight now:* Chapters 1–10 → solid (just needs standard edits)* Chapters 11–20 → strong, but needs more depth (hello, white room syndrome)* The rest → ready to be writtenAnd for the first time?It feels like a real book.Not a mess I’m trying to fix.But a story I’m building.The Emotional RealityI almost quit.Multiple times.I even took a long break because something just wasn’t clicking.And here’s the thing I learned:You’re not failing if you pause.You’re not failing if you step back.You’re not failing if you need time to figure it out.You only fail if you quit.What Comes NextNow I’m:* Writing the second half of the book* Editing the first half alongside my editor* Figuring out a cover (pray for me 😅)And trying—really trying—to give myself grace with the timeline.Because I want it done this year.But also?I want it done right.Final ThoughtThis book is not what it started as.Not even close.But maybe that’s the point.Because writing isn’t about getting it right the first time.It’s about staying long enough to figure it out.If You’re Here With Me…If this story sounds like something you’d read—Tell me.Because I’m finally at a point where I’m excited.And I want to share that energy with people who get it.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

Let’s talk about what it really means to be a writer.Not the polished, aesthetic version.Not the “I’ve had a dream since I was five and have a creative writing degree” version.I mean the real one.The everyday, average, chaotic version.The stay-at-home, homeschool, juggling-life-and-ideas kind of writer.Because here’s the truth:Anyone can write a book.And I don’t mean that lightly.If you would rather watch this instead of listening or reading please click here.The Myth of “Real Writers”There’s this weird, quiet gatekeeping in the writing world.Like you have to:* Have a degree* Have been writing your whole life* Have some deep, poetic origin storyBut it’s 2026.If you have an idea—even just a tiny one—that won’t leave you alone?You can write a book.That’s it.That’s the requirement.An idea that keeps whispering what if…Start Before You Feel ReadyIf you’re sitting there thinking:“It would be cool if…”“I wonder what would happen if…”That’s your sign.Write the book.Even if it’s just for fun.Even if no one ever reads it.Even if it’s messy.Because a lot of careers start as hobbies.Let’s Be Honest About MoneyI need to say this clearly:Do not start writing because you think it will make you rich.Could it? Yes.Does it for some people? Yes.But for most?It’s slow. It’s inconsistent. And it’s expensive.You could:* Spend thousands on editing* Pay for covers, formatting, software* Invest time, energy, literal tearsAnd then…Make about $1 per book sale.Sometimes less.That’s the reality no one glamorizes.Writing in 2026 = ChaosLet’s just call it what it is:It’s a battlefield.You’re navigating:* Books marketed as romance that are… not really romance* AI-generated books flooding the market* Debates about what is “real writing”* Pricing struggles and platform payoutsIt’s loud. It’s messy. It’s confusing.And you’re just over here trying to tell a story.The AI Conversation (Real Talk)I’m not here to scream “AI is evil.”Because let’s be honest:If you use tools like grammar checkers or editing software…That’s AI.But here’s where I stand:👉 Use tools to assist, not replace.👉 Learn the craft yourself.👉 Don’t outsource your voice.Because writing isn’t just output.It’s skill.It’s growth.It’s learning how to tell a story that actually feels like something.And you don’t get that by skipping the work.The Cost No One Talks AboutWriting a book isn’t just writing.It’s:* Editing* Covers* Formatting* Marketing* Shipping (if you sell physical copies)* Websites* PlatformsYou could easily invest thousands before making a dollar.And sometimes?It takes years to make that money back.The Truth About Getting BetterYour first book probably won’t be your best.Actually—hopefully it’s not.Because every book should be better than the last.That’s the goal.And the only way to get there?Practice.Messy drafts.Bad sentences.Rewrites.Growth.What You Actually Need to StartLet me simplify this for you:You do not need fancy tools.You need:* Google Docs* Your brain* An ideaThat’s it.Everything else?Optional.How I Write (Because This Matters)I am not a strict plotter.I’ve tried it. My brain said no.So I:* Start with a loose idea* Dump words onto the page* Walk away* Come back and fix the chaosIt’s messy.But writing is figuring it out.Not executing perfection.If You’re Thinking About Writing…Here’s what I want you to take from all of this:* Do your research—but don’t overthink it* Don’t expect instant success* Don’t rely on shortcuts* Don’t wait until you feel “ready”Just start.Because you don’t actually know what you’re capable of until you try.My Honest TimelineI thought I could write a book in a month.I did.It was terrible.It’s taken me three years to get to where I am now.And I wouldn’t trade that time for anything.Because now?I understand:* Structure* Scenes* Process* CraftAnd that didn’t come from shortcuts.It came from doing the work.Final ThoughtIf you have an idea…Write the book.Even if:* No one reads it* It never gets published* It’s messy and imperfectBecause somewhere out there?There is someone who would love your story.And you’ll never find them if you never write it.Tell MeIf you’re writing your debut novel…Tell me what it’s about.I want to hear it.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

Welcome back to another week.This is one of those posts I’ve debated writing.Because once it’s out there… I can’t take it back.And if I’m being honest, part of me feels like I’m not qualified to say any of this. Which is a weird place to be—feeling something deeply, but questioning whether you’re allowed to speak on it.But here’s the truth:My faith has changed my author career. Not in a bad way.Just… not in the way I planned.If you want to watch the video version: Click HereThe Version of Me I Thought I’d BeI started writing my first book in 2022.A romantic paranormal dystopian fantasy.With spice.And like most first drafts—it was trash.(Which is normal, but at the time I didn’t know that.)I didn’t know structure.I didn’t know plotting.I didn’t know anything, really.The last four years have been me learning how to write, how to think like an author, how to actually finish something.But more recently?Something else started shaping me.The Part I Ran FromFaith has always been complicated for me.I have a rough past.A lot of trauma.And for a long time, my question was simple:Why would God allow that?So I ran.But about a year ago, something shifted.Not because I suddenly had answers—but because my kids started asking questions I didn’t have answers for.And then life hit.Hard.Everything started breaking all at once:* Roof* Hot water heater* Floors* Garbage disposal* Microwave* Fridge* Sewer lineOne thing after another.And I watched my husband carry it all—financially, emotionally—while also supporting my dream of becoming an author.I could see the weight on him.And I felt… lost.The Night Everything ChangedOne night, I prayed.Not a polished prayer. Not a “good” one.Just honest.“You don’t owe me anything.But if we’re supposed to stay here…If I’m supposed to homeschool…If I’m supposed to write…If this is the path—fix the fridge.If not… don’t.”The fridge was still broken when I went to bed.The next morning?It worked.And I just sat there like—Okay… I hear you.Then we opened our Bible study…And instead of continuing where we were, it jumped to the story of Job.Then later that day, a verse:“Ask and you shall receive…”It felt like confirmation stacked on confirmation.So we leaned in.And Then Everything Got… QuieterNot perfect.Not easy.But calmer.More grounded.More clear.We started going to church.Reading daily.Building something we didn’t even know we were missing.And in the middle of all that—I went back to my book.The Scene That Broke EverythingI hit a spice scene.Wrote it.And something felt… off.Not wrong in a moral, rule-based way.Just… misaligned.So I set it aside.Came back weeks later.Still off.Then I noticed something else:Everything I was reading with spice?Started giving me the ick.So I switched to closed-door romance.And something in me relaxed.That’s when it hit:Maybe I’m not supposed to write spice.The Decision That Changed EverythingSo I made a choice.I’m removing the spice.From this book.From future books.And the moment I decided that?I felt peace.The Fear That Came With ItAnd then immediately—Fear.Because let’s be real:BookTok = spice.The market = spice.Everything feels like it’s pushing in that direction.So my thoughts went straight to:* “No one’s going to buy my books.”* “I’m limiting myself.”* “Am I ruining my career before it even starts?”And then something wild happened.My entire algorithm shifted.Everywhere.* Clean romance readers* Authors writing without spice* A whole audience I didn’t even know existedAnd I realized:There is space here.The Moment That Made Me Feel Less CrazyThen I saw a video from Kelsey Humphreys.She’s established. Successful. Making great money.And she said she’s removing the spice from her books.On purpose.Because it no longer aligned.And I just sat there thinking:Okay. I’m not alone.Let Me Be Clear About One ThingI’m not writing Christian romance.I’m writing:Contemporary romance with no spice.There’s a difference.My stories will still have:* Messy people* Real struggles* Faith elements (especially people wrestling with it)* Emotional depth* Happily ever aftersJust… no spice.So Yeah… Faith Ruined My Author CareerAt least the version I thought I was building.The dark romance path.The expectations.The plan.It’s gone.But honestly?I think what’s replacing it is better.Not easier.Not safer.But more aligned.Where I’m Going From HereMy debut?Still happening. (I’ve invested too much to walk away.)But after that?I’m writing stories about:* Women in their 30s+* Real life, not fantasy bodies or unrealistic expectations* Love that exists without needing explicit scenes to carry itBecause that’s what I want to read now.And If I’m Being Honest…I’m still scared.Scared of being put in a box.Scared people won’t get it.Scared I’m doing this wrong.But I also feel something I didn’t before:Peace.And right now?That matters more than the plan I had.If You’re In This Too…If something in your process feels off…If you feel like you’re forcing yourself into a version of success that doesn’t fit anymore…If you’re quietly questioning everything—You’re not alone.I’m right there with you.If you’re here for the long haul—for writing, motherhood, homeschooling, building something in the cracks of time—stay.We’re figuring this out together.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

🎥 Prefer to watch? The full video version is here: Watch HereI am a writer.But homeschool comes first.And that feels heavy to say out loud.Because I want to be taken seriously as an author.I want to be seen as disciplined. Focused. Committed. Professional.But the reality of my life — the actual, honest-to-God reality — is that in this season, homeschool comes first.And that changes everything.Why That Feels So HeavyIt feels heavy because I don’t have unlimited time.I don’t have eight uninterrupted hours at a desk.I don’t have four.I don’t even always have a guaranteed two.My writing doesn’t live in long, luxurious blocks of time.It lives in the cracks.And when you look around at other authors — especially online — it’s easy to slip into comparison.We know how some authors write because they share their process. We know how Brandon Sanderson writes. We’ve heard bits and pieces of other authors’ routines.But I’m not Brandon Sanderson.I don’t live his life.I don’t live J.K. Rowling’s life.I don’t have their circumstances.And neither do you.Maybe you have five kids.Maybe you have ten.I have a friend with baby number twelve on the way.Our time constraints are different.Our breathing room is different.Our seasons are different.Comparison is pointless.But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting sometimes.The Shift I Had to MakeThis part is hard to admit.There was a stretch where I was prioritizing my book over my kids.Not neglecting them — that’s not the right word.But not prioritizing them.And in October, something shifted.I started a 365-day Bible study. I’m about 140 days in now. My husband and I both started re-evaluating everything — our priorities, our rhythms, the way we structure our lives.And my order became very clear:God first.My husband.My children.Then everything else.And that means homeschool comes before writing.Because my kids are little.They need guidance.They need coaching.They need presence.And I adore them.They are not a side quest in my life.They are the main story.Ambition vs. PriorityHere’s the tension.I am deeply ambitious.I have multiple degrees.I was a teacher for five years.I overcompensated in education because of the life I came from.I come from trauma.I come from very little.And I built, built, built to prove something.So yes — I am ambitious.I have twenty-four books planned.Twenty-four.They live in my notes app and my brain and occasionally wake me up at night.I want to write emotional stories.Stories where people come from trauma and brokenness.Stories where love wins.Stories where healing is messy but real.I don’t need to be a global phenomenon.I just want to sit in my little room and write books that people love.But ambition does not override priority.And that’s the lesson I’m learning.Ambition says:“Do more. Publish faster. Push harder.”Priority says:“Be present. Show up. Raise your children well.”And they can coexist.It just might look slower than you imagined.Creating in the CracksI call this whole thing “In the Cracks.”Because that’s where everything happens.I shower in the cracks.I clean in the cracks.I write in the cracks.My Substack? In the cracks.My YouTube? In the cracks.My novel? Definitely in the cracks.Quiet time.Early mornings.Late nights.I wake up at 4:30 a.m. because if I don’t, the day runs away from me.And yes, it’s early.No, I don’t like it.But it’s the only way I get time where no one is calling my name mid-sentence.Because every writer knows:You’re vibing.You’re in the flow.And then —“Mom?”Gone.The sentence evaporates.The SlumpI haven’t touched my book since December.There. I said it.I finished drafting. Now I need to reread and edit before sending it to my editor.But we had:* A new baby born into the family* The holidays* A brutal round of sickness* A complete homeschool system overhaulAnd I started beating myself up.“You’re lazy.”“You’re behind.”“You’re failing.”But I wasn’t lazy.I was prioritizing.I revamped our homeschool system.I stopped overthinking curriculum.I finally accepted that what we’re using works.(My kids are above grade level. They’re thriving. I need to stop acting like I’m failing.)We’ve been in a smooth rhythm for a week now.That’s a win.My Writing Is Shaped by My Real LifeI’m almost four years into working on my debut novel.Four.There are people who publish ten books in that time.There are people who rapid release.People who move fast.People who have systems.And then there’s me.Learning.Experimenting.Figuring out my process.Writing a romantic paranormal dystopian fantasy (because apparently I enjoy making things harder for myself).My process is slower.But it’s mine.And motherhood is not something I’m apologizing for.Motherhood made me softer.Stronger.Closer to God.More emotionally aware.A cycle breaker in my family.I am not repeating what was done to me.And I wouldn’t even be writing if I hadn’t quit teaching — which I only did because of my kids.They are not in the way of my author career.They are the reason it exists.If You’re in a SeasonIf you’re taking care of children…Or elderly parents…Or working a nine-to-five…Or rebuilding your life…You are not behind.You are in a season.And seasons change.Maybe in ten years I’ll look back at this and laugh.Maybe I’ll have two books published.Maybe I’ll have a hundred.Maybe I’ll just have peace.But I want to remember this version of me.The one in the trenches.The one waking up at 4:30.The one creating in the cracks.The one refusing to apologize for motherhood.If any part of this resonated with you — you are seen.You don’t have to apologize for the season you’re in.We’re still building.Just… a little differently.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

🎥 Prefer to watch? The full video version is here: Watch HereWe are barely into 2026, and I have already failed my writing goals for the year.And instead of spiraling about it — which, historically, would absolutely be my default setting, I had to ask myself a very serious question:What does life realistically look like for me right now?Because sometimes life is just… a lot.Especially for mothers.And I am a mother.So let’s talk about it.The Goal I BrokeA couple of videos back, I chose a word for the year: Stay.Stay when it gets hard.Stay when I don’t want to.Stay when life is life-ing.And I did not, in fact, stay.I told myself I would send Chapters 11–20 of my novel to my editor by the end of January.It’s mid-February.They’re not sent.The chapters exist. They’re written. But they’re still in that awkward first-draft stage that needs to become “Yes, queen. This is ready.”And I’ve been… stalling.Part of it is that I already knew I was behind before the year even started. December came and went. I told myself I’d edit a little here and there.I didn’t.I spent time with my kids. My editor was with her family. I relaxed.And now I’m in the same place I was two months ago.That stings.The Book (And The Identity Crisis)Here’s the messy part.The book I’m writing is fantasy/romantasy.But over the past year, I stopped reading fantasy. I went down a dark romance rabbit hole. My taste shifted. My interests shifted. And now I’m in this weird in-between space creatively.I’ll talk more about that shift soon, because it’s tied to some bigger life changes happening behind the scenes.But for now, just know this:I’m writing a book my heart doesn’t fully live in anymore — while trying to figure out where my heart actually wants to go.That creates tension.And tension creates resistance.The Part Where Life HappenedLet’s zoom out.I homeschool my kids.I was a teacher for years before this.This is my second year homeschooling — and somehow also my first.If you homeschool, you understand that sentence.We had to completely redo our schedule. Rethink curriculum. Stop overthinking curriculum. Rebuild rhythm. Fix the calendar so we could finish by May instead of drifting into summer chaos.It took weeks.Then my little brother had a baby.I promised I’d be there for the first week.I stayed for two.He’s 26, but he’s still my baby. I helped raise him. I needed to be there.It was beautiful. It was chaotic. It was worth it.But my son struggled hard with the change. He doesn’t understand time yet. In his little brain, being gone that long felt permanent. We got no homeschool done. No writing done.Then we came home.And we all got sick.The kind of sick that makes you question every life choice you’ve ever made.No sleep. No productivity. Just survival.We’re finally healthy. Finally in rhythm.And I still hadn’t started writing again.The Honest QuestionWhy?Why wasn’t I writing?Part of it is the creative identity shift I mentioned.Part of it is exhaustion.Part of it is fear of what changing direction might do to my “career.”There’s a war happening internally that I’m still sorting through.But instead of attacking myself every second of every day — which I have done before — I decided to ask:What does writing realistically look like in this season?What Writing Actually Looks Like Right NowIt doesn’t look aesthetic.It looks like:* Waking up at 4:30 a.m. (not 5:00 — 5:00 is betrayal, apparently)* Working from 4:30–8:00 before the kids come out of their rooms* Using 1–3 p.m. quiet time wisely* Writing in cracks of time* Reading in the bathtub at night* Accepting that I am in a hoodie with pajama pants hidden off-cameraFrom 4:30 to 8:00, I have about three and a half hours.That’s YouTube.That’s writing.That’s business.If I actually get up.From 1–3 p.m., we do quiet time. The kids separate. My five-year-old resets emotionally. I reset emotionally. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I stare at the wall and breathe.Fridays, Grandma helps.Weekends, my husband takes them to the park.I write in fragments.This is not the glamorous writer life people romanticize.This is writing inside constraint.The Season I’m InI have littles.Seven and five.They still want me.They still like me.And something in my personal journey right now is pressing hard on the idea of presence. Of being here. Of not missing this.So I’m letting go of the perfect aesthetic.I am not going to look put together every video.I am not going to pretend I have it all balanced.I am not going to act like this is clean and streamlined.It’s messy.I’m writing in the mess.Why I’m Documenting ThisBecause ten years from now — if my books are on shelves and people are talking about them — I want to look back at this version of me.The hoodie.The chaos.The doubt.The homeschool schedule.The 4:30 a.m. alarm.The zero confidence that anyone would ever read my work.And I want to say:“You did it anyway.”Even through sickness.Even through babies being born.Even through identity shifts.Even through failing your own goals.You stayed.Maybe not perfectly.But you stayed enough.If you’re writing in the mess too — especially if you’re a mom building something creative inside chaos — you are not alone.I see you.And I’m right there with you.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

🎧 Prefer to listen or watch?This week’s episode is raw. Messy. Unfiltered.And honestly? Very me.You can listen to the audio version of this episode here, or watch the full video on YouTube:👉 Watch on YouTube: Watch HereIf you’d rather read, the full transcript is below.Confessions of an Indie Author (Who Also Homeschools Full-Time)I have a lot to say this week.So consider this a word-vomit, heart-on-the-table kind of confession.I’m an indie author.I’m a mom.And more specifically—I’m a homeschool mom who does not get a single second to herself.Last week, I talked about books I think new writers should read when they’re getting started. And while I still stand by that, I also had a lot sitting in my chest that needed to come out.Because being a mom is one thing.Working a 9–5 is one thing.But being a mom who homeschools—who is with her kids constantly—can make it incredibly hard to feel human.For a long time, I didn’t know who I was anymore.Not even a little.I wasn’t “Ash.”I was just surviving.My kids are exactly two years apart—three days and twelve hours, to be precise. They’re close in age, wildly different, and somehow identical in their stubbornness. I joke that it’s their father’s fault… but let’s be honest. They’re mini versions of me.I lived in survival mode for years. And one day, I looked at my life and thought:Who am I? What do I do now?I had just stopped teaching. My kids were still too young to homeschool. I had no space, no breathing room, no sense of self.So I started reading again.I was a huge reader as a kid. Fantasy especially. Those books were a lifeline for me growing up. And reading led me back into fantasy, then romantasy, then dark romance.At some point, while reading the Crave series, I hit a moment where I thought:I would’ve written that differently.I sent a joking message to a friend. She said, “You should write a book.”I immediately said no.I had zero interest in being a writer. Zero knowledge. Zero confidence.But the idea didn’t leave.I started tinkering. Writing just to see. I sent her pages. She told me—again—that I should write a book.So I did.And for the first time in a long time, I had something that was mine.For years, nothing belonged to me—not my time, not my body, not my thoughts, not even my showers. If it wasn’t my kids, it was my husband. And I know so many moms understand this feeling:What am I, besides everyone else’s emotional landing pad?Writing became my escape. My world. My refuge.I wrote an entire book. It was… not good. Truly. But the book I’m writing now is built on that foundation—sharpened, refined, learned-through-fire.And it’s heavy.It deals with power, control, love as both strength and weakness, nature versus nurture—things I struggled with growing up.Ironically, I chose the worst genre for myself.Fantasy nearly broke me.Which is why this book will likely be a limited edition moment for me. After this, I’ll be shifting toward contemporary romance with darker edges. I still believe in softness. In love that is good and safe. That matters to me.And I think every indie author goes through this phase—thinking they want to write one thing, learning the craft, and realizing they don’t.The Productivity LieLet’s talk about the lie.My writing time does not look aesthetic.It looks like:* Writing in the bathtub on my phone* Sitting in the car waiting for co-op pickup* Voice notes whispered into the dark before bed* Five minutes at my laptop while someone asks for a snack for the tenth timeI am interrupted constantly.And even when my husband is home and trying to help, my mom brain never shuts off. If I hear a cry or a scream, my body reacts before my thoughts do.Add in a neurospicy brain and suddenly I’m researching something “for the book”… and then I’m doomscrolling… and then my brain is fried.Some days, homeschooling doesn’t go well. Some days, I sit at my computer and feel guilty for not being fully present with my kids. Other days, I resent the interruptions so much it physically hurts.You know that moment when the words are flowing and the scene is perfect—and then someone asks you to open a chip bag?And it’s gone.All of it.Laundry piles up. The house gets messy. And then the guilt comes back—because my husband works outside the home and supports this dream.I remind myself constantly:You’re human. You’re doing a lot. This is allowed.Because I can’t just be “mom.” That’s how moms disappear.Imposter Syndrome & FearImposter syndrome hits hardest when I disappear from my book for months.Am I even good enough?Am I actually going to finish this?Especially when I see friends publishing multiple books—friends without kids, without homeschooling, without the same constraints.I’ve invested thousands of dollars into editing, learning, tools, and courses. My biggest fear is that it all leads nowhere. That it never pays bills. That no one reads the book.And somehow… I’m also afraid of the opposite.That people will love it—and expect more in a genre I won’t be writing again.But I think that fear lives in every author.My Creative Process (and Why Save the Cat Doesn’t Work for Me)Save the Cat is a great book.But it is not for my brain.If I outline that deeply, my brain goes, Cool—we’re done now.My process is chaos:* Random notes* Voice memos* Scrivener pages filled with half-thoughts* Scattered ideas everywhereI know this process won’t work forever. It’s one of the reasons I’m leaving this genre behind—it demands too much structure for where I’m at right now.Not all writing advice works for everyone.Especially not for homeschooling moms with limited bandwidth.One book I will recommend forever: Shut Up and Write the Book by Jenna Moreci. It saved my sanity.Why I’m Still Doing ThisAfter everything I just said… why keep going?Because this is mine.Even if I only ever publish one book—it will exist. My kids will be able to say, “My mom wrote a book.”Writing used to be about money for me.Now it’s about identity.I don’t want to say “I’m just a mom.”I want to say, “I’m a writer.”And I want to find other writers—especially other moms and homeschool moms—who understand this life.Homeschooling can be isolating. Co-ops aren’t for everyone. Playdates don’t fill the gap. Finding even one author friend can change everything.So if you’re here—and this resonates—let’s build something in the comments.👉 What’s one thing you feel guilty about right now?👉 What’s one struggle you’re carrying as a parent and a creative?You’re not alone. We’re just not talking about it enough.I’ll be back next week. No idea what I’ll be talking about.Just real. Raw. Me.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

🎧 Prefer to listen or watch?You can listen to the audio version of this episode here, or watch the full video on YouTube:👉 Watch on YouTube: Watch HereIf you’d rather read, the full transcript is below.Writing Advice, ADHD Brains, and Real Life ChaosEvery single person in the writing community tells you to use Save the Cat Writes a Novel.And listen—I get it. It’s a good book. I love the book.It’s just… not the best book for my ADHD brain.There are other options that have worked way better for me, and I want to share those. But first, I need to catch you up—because last week we were talking about something very real.I Cannot Wake Up at 5 A.M.I cannot wake up at 5:00 a.m.I’ve tried. I’ve really tried.And people love to say, “If you want to write the book, you’ll find the time.”Which sounds great—until you’re a homeschool mom with kids home 24/7, 365 days a year, and you don’t get breaks.I have a seven-year-old and a five-year-old. Boy and girl.One is bossy and plays mom.The other is a feral little gremlin boy who does not like being told what to do.They fight constantly.I don’t drop my kids off at school and come home to quiet. I’m with them all day, every day. Writing looks different for me than it does for someone with a 9–5. And even those writing lives look different depending on whether kids are involved.Everyone’s writing journey is different—and I get frustrated when we compare them.(And yes, I do this too.)The 4:30 A.M. ExperimentSo I decided to try waking up at 4:30 a.m.Wednesday and Thursday? Success.Friday? Absolutely not.One of my kids woke up in my bed, and that was the end of it. I also refuse to wake up at 4:30 on weekends because… no. I’m not torturing myself like that.I’m trying to find time where I can. I’m trying to wiggle it in.If you’re in the same boat—especially if you’re a homeschool mom and a writer—tell me. I’ve had a few people comment saying they are too, and honestly? I love that. It feels like we’re on our own little adventure when it comes to writing.Writing Craft Books I Do and Don’t RecommendThese are recommendations based on my brain, not rules. They may or may not work for you—but here’s what’s helped me. If you decide to purchase through the links provided please know I can earn a small commission at no extra cost to you {All titles are linked}.📘 Save the Cat Writes a NovelWe all know this one.I do like it. But for me, it’s almost too much outlining. I need some structure or my ADHD brain squirrels off—but too much outlining makes my brain think the book is already done.That said, if you’re struggling to understand the basic ebb and flow of a story, this book will help.📘 Shut Up and Write the Book – Jenna MoreciI love this book so much more.She uses a blend of Save the Cat and three-act structure, but the tone is very:“You’re overthinking it. Just write the book.”It’s funny. It’s blunt. It made my brain click.If you don’t like cursing or dry humor, this might not be your vibe.But it is absolutely mine.📘 Structuring Your Novel – K.M. WeilandThis book gives very clear, simple directions for structure.For me, once I understand structure, the rest flows more easily. It’s detailed but not overwhelming—and that balance really worked for me.📘 Story Genius – Lisa CronI just started this one, but I already love it—especially for scenes.Scenes are the bane of my existence. They feel like they have rules… but also no rules? This book really helps break that down and makes scene cards feel manageable.📘 Dialogue Book – Gloria KemptonIf dialogue feels flat or too “talking heads” for you, this helped me a lot.It focuses on writing dialogue with movement, so it feels alive—not just text, text, text.📘 Romancing the Beat – Gwen HayesIf you’re writing romance or romantasy, this is essential.The romance arc is separate from the plot arc, especially in fantasy. This book makes that clear and gives you a roadmap.There are also new romance-writing books {How To Write A Romantasy} coming soon from Jenna Moreci and {Make Your Story Matter} from Abby Emmons, and I’ll update you once I’ve read them.📘 The Emotional Thesaurus Books (and Friends)These are the only books I own in physical form—and honestly, I wish I’d bought them digitally.They include:* The Emotional Thesaurus * Emotional Wounds Thesaurus * Emotion Amplifiers Thesaurus * Conflicts Volumes 1 Thesaurus * Conflicts Volumes 2 Thesaurus * Positive Traits Thesaurus * Negative Traits Thesaurus * Urban Settings Thesaurus * Rural Settings Thesaurus * Occupations Thesaurus They help you understand:* Physical cues of emotion* Internal sensations* Mental responses* How emotions escalate or de-escalateWhen I struggle to explain what a character is feeling internally, these save me.Where I’m At Right NowI miss you. We haven’t talked in a week.I’m still finishing the last 10 chapters of my book. I’m waiting on edits for chapters 1–10. I’ve been learning how to draw and working on character art. And don’t even get me started on the book cover.When you genre-bend—romantic paranormal dystopian fantasy—it gets messy. Every genre has expectations, and I think we’re leaning more fantasy because dystopian readers don’t always want fantasy.I’m stuck right now. My word for the year is stay, and I’m staying—even when it’s hard.Real Life Moment (Because This Is Real Life)We’re mostly dye-free and sugar-free with our kids. But yellow dye slipped in, and we paid for it for five days.This morning, my daughter woke up screaming. Her mouth was full of blood.Her brother kicked her in the face and knocked out a baby tooth. She swallowed it.So yes—we’re having a very serious conversation about not kicking people.This is real life. It’s messy. My room was destroyed yesterday. I’ve gotten zero writing done in the last four days because I’m adjusting to waking up at 4:30 a.m. and feel like a zombie.But this is honest. And I think people want honest right now.Tell Me About YouWhat’s going on with you?What writing craft books do you love?Are you writing? Are your kids feral too?I hope something in this helped—even just a little.I’ll catch you in the next one.Bye.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com

Learning to Stay When Everything Feels UnfinishedIn this first episode of Cracks in Time, I’m talking about what it means to create in the cracks of time — the small, stolen moments between homeschooling, motherhood, self-doubt, rewrites, burnout, and trying to build an author career that actually works for me.This episode is raw, minimally edited, and very much a ramble. We talk about choosing the word “stay” for 2026, why 2025 felt like a failure (even though it wasn’t), and how comparison, hustle culture, and “doing it the right way” almost made me quit writing altogether.If you’re an author who feels behind, unfinished, burned out, or stuck in learning mode instead of writing — this one’s for you.In this episode, I talk about: - Why the podcast is called Cracks in Time - Creating in small moments as a mom and homeschool parent - Choosing “stay” as my word for the year - Rewrites, self-doubt, and almost quitting - Why not publishing in 2025 felt like failure - Finally loving my book after 10+ rewrites - Why Save the Cat Writes a Novel doesn’t work for my brain - ADHD, burnout, procrastination, and hyperfixation - Comparison, hustle culture, and moving at your own pace - Why it’s okay to be unfinished going into 2026Where this fits in my weekly content:Mondays: Main YouTube video Wednesdays: Substack (deeper, more reflective writing)Fridays: Podcast (Unfiltered, minimally edited rambling — just saying what needs to be said)Links & Resources:🎥 YouTube video mentioned: Cracks In Time | Ep. 1✍️ Substack: Cracks in Time: What 2025 Taught MeIf this episode made you feel less alone, you’re in the right place.It’s okay to fumble. It’s okay to be offbeat. It’s okay to stay. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com