Monster Crush

We at Monster Crush have to apologize, we took a little break and were a little out of practice. So, while we wanted to celebrate Mothers’ Day and all the wonderful monster mommies out there, we weren’t paying attention to our spelling and… Well, we’re celebrating Mummy’s Day and all the monster mummies instead this year. So grab a protective spell and wrap both your date and your tool (even if it’s being used to scramble brains) for the MUMMY!Featuring: We’re doing this until we die - preferred pet names - LD’s Smut Corner: Everyone’s favorite BG3 vampire gets an origin story - mummies are everywhere and are a lot older than we thought - how to make a mummy - white people get weird with mummies… like really weird - 180,000 mummified cats - the curse (or not) of King Tutankhamun’s Tomb - the real Imhotep - AND MORE!CW: Fictional predatory relationships (15:35-22:15), description of the mummification process (32:25-39:00), discussions of the weird and bad qualities of colonialism including desecration of corpses, medicinal cannibalism, and fetishization/othering of non-European cultures (39:00-1:21:00), animal death (55:45-56:10), human deaths attributed to curses (55:00-60:02)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.Use code THELADYDAME for 10% off of your order from Friday Afternoon Tea - https://www.fridaytea.com - we suggest the Smut-Tea and/or the Sword & Tea

IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS 2026 CONTINUES! Sixteen entities from Lovecraftian Horror fight tooth and tentacle for your affections. Who will win the finals… and our hearts?For this episode we finish the GOO (Great Old Ones) Conference featuring: Shterot, Atlach-Nacha, Rhogog, Byatis, Hziulquoigmnzha, Chaugnar Faugn, Bugg-Shash, and Nyarlathotep. And as we finish the GOO Conference, we also finish our overall bracket and pick our winner for the year!Grab your own bracket on our socials (Bluesky and IG) or on the Sword & Key Discord and play along at home!Featuring: recording on Friday the 13th feels fitting - Spooky News: suspicious missing US Govt’ UFO expert, a buncha Bigfoots in Ohio - LD’s review of Tusk Love - a giant starfish vs. a giant spider, how to pronounce “geas”, cyclops tree vs. cyclops toad, tentacles that will get you rock hard, eldritch “debate me” bros, transformative sucking, “the filler of space and he who comes in the dark” are some real titles, golden eyes make a difference, AND MORE!CW: Missing person/potential US government coverup/mentions of Covid and the current presidential administration (6:55-14:10), monster that takes away autonomy by mind control (28:00-30:30), spiders (30:30-36:40), reference to fictional SA (49:00-49:40)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.Use code THELADYDAME for 10% off of your order from Friday Afternoon Tea - https://www.fridaytea.com - we suggest the Smut-Tea and/or the Sword & Tea

IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS IS BACK! It’s our third year playing this bracket-style game of love. Sixteen entities from Lovecraftian Horror fight tooth and tentacle for your affections. Who will win the finals… and our hearts?This week we take on the BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) Conference featuring: Blackness from the Stars, Shabbith-Ka, Mother of Pus, Lu-Kthu, Daoloth, Kthanid, Fthaggua, and Mh’Ithra.Grab your own bracket on our socials (Bluesky and IG) or on the Sword & Key Discord and play along at home!Featuring: We are sponsored by F*** H.P. Lovecraft - Spooky News: 30 Years of Pokémon, New Unicorn Spinosaur Just Dropped, Disclosure (I guess) - a little dive into monster cliterature - Cthulhu is a sub - void blob that doesn’t talk vs. purple blob that sings - MILF (Mother I’d Like to Fhtagn) fight - Cthulhu’s good twin brother - fire vampires and invisible werewolves -  AND MORE!CW: mentions of “madness” and “insanity” as it appears in eldritch/cosmic horror throughout, brief mention of H.P. Lovecraft’s bigotry (2:12-2:40), current events including presidential crimes (19:00-20:00), reference to the concept of orcs being stand-in for racist stereotypes (22:30-23:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.Use code THELADYDAME for 10% off of your order from Friday Afternoon Tea - https://www.fridaytea.com - we suggest the Smut-Tea and/or the Sword & Tea

Happy Valentines Day… or close enough to it. For us at Monster Crush, it’s always the perfect day to celebrate love in all of its weirdly beautiful forms. But, for this amorous time of year we bring you two monsters you can really give you heart to, because that’s what they eat! Prepare yourself for two chimeric monsters with a taste for cardiac cuisine with the predatory Peryton and Ammit, the Devourer of the Dead!Featuring: Grease the Musical but with monsters - Spooky News: a new cozy video game about feeding cryptids with your eldritch oven, butt bombs, Obama confirms the existence of extraterrestrials, your odds of being abducted by UFOs/UAPs based on where you live - shifting shadows - Elf hearts taste bad - half hippo/half crocodile/half lion, all goddess - open book tests in the afterlife - sometimes ‘girl dinner’ is eating the hearts of the damned - AND MORE!CW: WWI munitions used as a sex toy (13:00-14:20), mentions of modern politics and crimes of politicians (16:15-16:25), Christian mythology and Christian hell (56:30-57:50), mentions of monsters eating humans/human hearts throughoutWe are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We hope you didn’t fill up on Demon Princes last time because for this episode we give you another heaping helping. Join us as we round out the last FIVE Demon Princes of Dungeons & Dragons’ Forgotten Realms with the hedonistic Graz’zt, slimy Juiblex, deceptive Fraz-Urb'luu, insufferable Kostchtchie, and alluring Malcanthet! Strap on, strap in, and get ready for another plunge into the Abyss!Featuring: We are here to warm things up on these chilly days, a visit to the Smut Corner: appreciation for 3rd person narratives, amnesiac slayers, space vampires, and a little somnophilia - Spooky News: a new/prehistoric form of life (that looks like a penis), the Leviathan is awake, Dorito UAP spotted over Area 51, and the Seattle Kraken won back the Cryptid Cup - Deep Blue Sea slashfic, breast milk flavors of the Forgotten Realms courtesy of Ed Greenwood, the only sin is moderation, total slime control, the incel of demon princes, the queen of succubi, AND MORE!CW: winter storm/Christian mythology/conspiracy theories (31:00-35:00), lack of autonomy through magic (56:00-57:00), misogynistic fictional character (1:35:00-1:43:30)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For all the hype that Stranger Things has given to D&D, people now know what a Demogorgon is… or do they? For this date we get even Strangerer with some of the OG D&D Things, namely D&D Demon Princes so we can tell you what the Demogorgon really is! And this is only part 1! So get ready to plunge into the Abyss with the nightmarish Demogorgon, rotting Orcus, bestial Baphomet, feral Yeenoghu, and fungal Zuggtmoy!Featuring: We are at least aware of Stranger Things - Spooky News: The Cryptid Cup of the NHL, Passing of Erich von Däniken (author of Chariot of the Gods), UK advised to prepare for financial collapse in case of extraterrestrials, UFOs almost launched nuclear weapons in the 80s - vampiric manta rays, two baboon heads who can’t agree, Orcus is (not surprisingly) an edgelord, demonic taint spreading, Yeenoghu may not be your demon but he’s the demon who stepped up, even demons have roommates, horrifying lullabies, AND MORE!CW: real person death (12:30-15:55), ancient alien implied racism (13:45-15:55), nuclear war (18:30-21:00), harm to animals (1:07:00-1:08:00),  - mentions of demonic entities, brief allusions to Christianity, undead, rot, necrosis, fungal horror, and slavery as it appears in fantasy settings appear sporadically throughoutWe are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For the New Year we look back on singletons we met once but never really got a chance at love. So for this date we pull the Pascagoula Elephantmen out of the stables for a little space seduction and alien abduction. Strap in and strap on because these ETs are out of this world.Featuring: we have rhythm (sort of) - New Years Resolutions - “Sliterature” - hot takes on orc romance novels - Spooky News: The International Cryptozoology Museum is moving, San Antonio Dogman Sightings, Bigfoot Bae - carrot-like protrusions - two bros chilling in a rowboat -  when the downstairs is the upstairs - AND MORE!CW: Spiders (4:05-5:30), discussion of fantasy stereotypes/racism (16:00-16:55), death from cancer (57:00-58:00), mentions of abduction/physical restriction related to extraterrestrials throughoutWe are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Holidays from all of us at Monster Crush! To celebrate this festive season we return to the Yule traditions of ol for a couple monsters that are naughty, nice, and everything in between. So jingle your bells and wrap your present for the Mari Lwyd and Grýla the Christmas Witch. Plus a few bonus monsters including The Yule Cat!Featuring: who would Zooey Deschanel play in The Lion King? - you can’t lowkey Les Mis someone - F**k, Merry, Exorcise the ghosts from A Christmas Carol - The Feast of the Ass - watch out for Sausage Swiper and Window Peeper - capitalist incentives to avoid being eaten by a cat - Stubby the Yule Lad - AND MORE! CW: Mentions of Christianity and Christian influences on history throughout, mention of the historical use of blackface (24:20-25:10), harm to children in folklore (43:10-1:10:15)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For this holiday episode we have only one question for you… Naughty or Nice? Honestly, with monsters it really doesn’t matter which you pick because even the nice ones have a dark side. So wrap your present and stuff your stocking for the naughty Kallikantzaros and the nice Nisse!Featuring: Did we do a Krampus episode? Yes, yes we did - it’s really dark in the PNW - when you can’t count to three - throw pancakes on your roof - they’re just garden gnomes - minor cat-induced chaos - don’t put the butter on the bottom - harmless horse pranks - follow the rules, even when the rules change - a life goal is to be a sauna-spirit - AND MORE!CW: Mentions of Christianity (throughout the episode but starting at 11:30), some serious Christian religious trauma (24:30 - 25:30), harm to infants (25:30 - 26:10), mention of the history of bigotry against Romani (31:30 - 32:14), harm to domesticated animals (54:45 - 55:30), folkloric murder (56:45 - 57:30)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For many Americans Thanksgiving is a holiday focused on the iconic main dish, the turkey. But what about the country of Türkiye? Apparently it’s chock full of monsters we can smooch! So for this holiday, we gobble down on two Turkish monsters with the iconic Lake Van Monster and the nightmarish Al Basty. Pass the gravy because this episode is going to get saucy!Featuring: an ode to the noble turkey, why we’ll never talk about Sesame Street Monsters, the alternate timeline of Big Bird tragedy, a visit to LD’s Smut Corner, Spooky News: Age of Disclosure documentary and phantom boobs - a rich cultural heritage of monsters in Türkiye, a cyclo-boobian monster, a lake monster with murder on the mind, nightmares hide where it’s wet and they ride your horse without permission, the monster that is your cool wine aunt, AND MORE!CW: brief discussion of the Challenger explosion (11:30-13:00), conservative politicians/current politics/conservative religious conspiracies (29:00-33:15), monster attack that leads to a reported death (53:00-53:45), nightmares/sleep paralysis (58:45-1:08:00) post-partum depression/miscarriage/birth complications (1:02:46-1:08:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network - beacons.ai/swordandkey. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

That’s a lot of ones all in one episode number… So let’s do three cryptids that were only seen once! These monsters were seen for a good time but not for a long time and only for one time. So enjoy The 50-Foot Congo Snake, The Bathysphaera intacta (or Giant Dragonfish), and The Giant Shrimp in the Laundry Room (aka Shrimpy). It’s BIG SNAKE, BIG FISH, BIG SHRIMP… Plus a bonus cryptid!Featuring: small talk about the weather quickly devolving into deep dives about dialects and accents, greener pastures for podcast listening, Spooky News: Mass Mall Dreaming, we like big snakes and we cannot lie, going real deep with hefty fish, big things in deep dark ocean, potential basement-dwelling escaped government experiment with a fondness for laundry, AND MORE!CW: dreams and potential mass psychosis (14:15-24:30), snakes (27:00-35:30)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

WE’RE BACK! Just in time for halloween we return to our teratophilic ways to explore romance with one of the most iconic monsters - FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER!!! So get ready for jokes to leave you in stitches, love that strikes like lightning, and a monster ready for LONG-TERM commitments because… IT’S ALIVE!!!Featuring: Our podcast relationship Unicorn (Shadow), Halloween traditions & memories, LD’s Smut Corner - Scared Sexy Collection, a collection of dudes - a bro-pourri or a dude turducken, 8 feet tall and full of emotions, epistolary novels are just early found footage, Mary Shelley is a freak and a true Gothic Queen, we love cliterature… if you can find it, enormous schwanstuckers, AND MORE!CW: body horror, minor references to gun violence, fictional child death, fictional murder, and references to historical misogynyWe are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

In honor of the recent holiday, Hobbit Day, we’re talking Tolkien! Derek is joined once again by special guest Shadow (@shadowsilvia on socials) to delve too greedily and too deep into some Middle Earth monsters! So prepare to make an unexpected party with Smaug the Dragon, The Watcher in the Water, and Durin’s Bane the Balrog!Additional side note: Monster Crush will be skipping a week on our release schedule but will be back for a new episode hopefully at the end of October!Featuring: we prefer #raptortok to #rapturetok - Spooky News: Squonk at the right hand of god, honoring Jeff Meldrum (professional foot expert) - Happy Hobbit Day - rawdogging a Hobbit - a new game: NAME THAT DWARF - being trapped in rooms by tiny spiders - being penetrated in one specific spot - all billionaires are bad, even if they’re dragons - tentacles with “fingered” ends -  AND MORE!CW: Mentions of the rapture (2:05-7:45), death from cancer (7:45-11:00), spiders (27:15-28:15)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Monster Crush is back after our Summer Break with all new chills and thrills. For this episode, Derek is joined by special guest Shadow (@shadowsilvia on socials) to discuss the noble Unicorn! And these horny horses have a wild history hiding behind all those sparkles and rainbows. Author Chris Lavers is quoted as saying “The history of the unicorn myth is so tangled that to try and unravel it is to glimpse madness”. But we’d gladly glimpse madness for some unicorn love! Featuring: Chupacabras on Ice, unicorns are not what you think but also they are, the first unicorns were more unicows, shock-resistant horns, a medieval figure with the best name - Ole Worm, unicorn horns can cure anything (and nothing), whale blubber tastes like hazelnut, a 300 year-long Scandinavian scam, 2026 is the year of the alicorn, we keep going back to square rhinoceros, unicorns are super gay, AND MORE!CW: Mentions of Christianity/real world religion throughout, Brief reference to the anniversary of 9/11 and recent news events (7:45-7:55) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Summer is a time for fun, sun, and (if you’re anything like us) reading! So for this summer break episode we went back to our childhoods to explore some of the wonderful monsters gifted to us by the one and only R.L. Stine in the Goosebumps series! So get ready for monsters from Calling All Creeps, The Beast from the East, and Night of the Living Dummy! Listeners beware, you’re in for a (sexy) scare!Also, this episode marks the beginning of our brief Summer Break for Monster Crush, we'll be back in September for more episodes!Featuring: Summer activities in the 90s, the nostalgia of the Pizza Hut Summer Reading program, Spooky News: US Government Lies About Aliens/UFOs Again(?), Annabelle the Haunted Doll Kills a Man - R.L Stine wrote a horror novel about a rollercoaster, horror can be accessible for kids, Goosebumps cover Easter Eggs, do a “classic clone” to get to level 3, “fluids” counts as a superpower, FMK with some Goosebumps monsters, AND MORE!CW: Spoilers for 30+ year old Goosebumps books, Conspiracy theories surrounding the government/gaslighting/misinformation (11:00-21:20), Death/Loss (21:20-30:20), mentions of horror violence with references to horror violence to kids (35:20-1:20:35)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

On this date we fly back into the weird world of Yokai for a couple of avian singletons to nest with. So strap on and strap in for the Kogarasu and the Niwatori no sō! These two feathered friends are sure to peck their way into your hearts… perhaps literally.Featuring: Toilet ghosts and sentient umbrellas, a trip to LD’s Smut Corner, Spooky News: Bigfoot could get you high, eat the prideful and haughty, chicken’s grudge-curse, cloacal kisses, AND MORE!CW: Mentions of explosions/fireworks and allusions to the current state of the US (1:30-2:15), yokai/urban legend violence (6:30-7:25), drug use (20:30-26:30), monsters eating dead humans (29:10-33:40), bird-based body horror (33:45-40:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For our second Pride Month episode of 2025 we consider giving a second chance to some monsters who did not get our full attention on previous dates. So this time we explore the wilderness for the Scandinavian Troll! These mysterious monsters of magic and nature have haunted fables and myth far back into ancient times… so it’s about time they haunt our bedrooms! Things are going to get rock hard so strap in and strap on!Featuring: A totally perfect first take on our intro - Spooky News: werewolf motivated robbery, aliens are starting WWIII… to help us?, and (old news) a portal in English forest is letting in werewolves - trolls are old and confusing, troll are bossbitches, trolls were illegal, smelly Christian blood, trolls are just Bigfoot(?), a quick dive into LOTR lore, troll movie recs, AND MORE!CW: Robbery & Assault (4:00-8:00), Current events - politics, war, etc. (8:05-12:00), mentions of Christianity and Christian misogyny/oppression of women (periodic starting at 30:00), monsters as caricatures/stereotypes of ethnicities and as forms of antisemitism (46:30-47:30, 50:45-53:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Pride, you beautiful Monster Crushers! To celebrate the queerest time of the year we wanted to present you all with a true gay icon. And, since we covered Mothman back in episode 69, we delved into pop culture for a figure who has represented the LGBTQ+ community for decades now. So strap on and strap in for the true Master of the Universe and master of our hearts, Skeletor! This skeletal singleton is sure to rattle your bones in the best of ways!Featuring: Pride Month for monster fucking, it’s all fucking weird fucking, Spooky News: Annabelle the Doll Contained(?) and Squatch Sighting in Colorado, a new game: Battlecat or Cringer (Masters of the Universe Smash or Pass), the history and queerness of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, very important discussions about facial hair, abs on abs on abs, AND MORE!CW: General discussions of sex, kink, and monster fucking (throughout the episode… I mean, come on), mention of con artists and objectively bad people Ed & Lorraine Warren (10:15-11:30), house fire and prison escape (12:55-13:13:35)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

For this Memorial Day we bring you two monsters you just can’t forget about. War is weird and strange stuff happens during times of conflict, so this episode we discuss two giant sea monsters seen by German U-boats during WWI. So get ready to be blown…out of the water by the U-28 Creature and the U-85 Atrocity! Featuring: The lusty month of May, a visit to LD’s Smut Corner: The Spinster and the Gargoyle, the gargoyle vs. grotesque debate, Spooky News: crop circles in England and a prehistoric wasp from hell, sea monsters learn to fly by exploding, don’t shoot whales because they might shoot back, mosasaur dickpics, AND MORE!CW: Insect/body horror/parasites/forced impregnation - insect/implication (29:30-33:40), discussions of naval warfare (35:00-50:00), animal/dinosaur/monster genitalia (50:15-56:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We at Monster Crush want to celebrate Mother’s Day in the only way we know how… by making it about smooching monsters. So if you have mommy energy (however you personally define that), we want to wish you a special day full of whatever monsters you love best. But for us, we had to feature a monstrous mother of other monsters coming straight from Greek myth with the monster matriarch, the Echidna! So strap in and strap on for a serpentine seductress that will make you say “yes, mommy”.Featuring: Strong Mommy Energy, is LD ‘Mother’?, shoutout Derek’s mom, if you email us weird things - we will email you weird things back, monster moms in pop culture, Spooky News - NASA Chief Flight Surgeon sees an American UFO, research on a potential UFO sphere, Joe Nickell and a legacy of skepticism - echidna but the cute animal, a CatDog of a monster, so so many monster offspring, Typhon’s really nice couch, clean your all-purpose holes, AND MORE!CW: Mythological dismemberment (16:40-17:00), brief mention of mythological incest - i.e. Theseus (49:50-50:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Does love have you stumped? Always branching out but your date always leaves? Well we get to the root of the problem this week with our lumbering singletons! No more barking up the wrong tree with two loveable cryptobotanical selections to really shiver your timbers! It’s two green-thumbs up for the Ya-Te-Veo and The Man-Eating Madagascar Tree! Plus a special appearance from The Cow-Eating Tree!Featuring: A new game of Nessie Knockoffs, a return to LD’s Smut Corner, a 1 minute recap of M. Night Shamalayan’s The Happening, the cow-eating tree eats… cows, trees with eyes, some pretty messed up depictions of indigenous people thanks to white colonists, treacly fluid, just so many tree puns, AND MORE!CW: mentions of suicide and self-harm (28:30-29:00), harm to animals (31:00-32:00), colonial depictions of indigenous people throughout the second half, sacrificial murder & sexual hedonism (42:30-44:30)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

EPISODE 100 IS HERE! I can’t believe we actually made it to 100 episodes! And speaking of things that are hard to believe, is there a monster lurking in the depths of Loch Ness? Yes… at least we want the answer to be yes because we LOVE NESSIE! So strap in and strap on for Derek’s first monster love with The Loch Ness Monster! Also, a special thank you to all of you who have joined us on this wonderful monster ride and a very special thank you to Heaven-Leigh and Ellie for starting this amazing project for all of us to enjoy!Featuring: Do invisible monsters *eject* invisible fluids?, Spooky News: Forbidden Designer Dogs - judging baby names, Checkov’s panties (if they go on in the first act, they come off by the third), top cryptids list, her humps - her lovely Nessie humps, pulling a Gandalf, Nessie needs to get out of the road, hoaxes.. so many hoaxes, Nessie aka Sandy or Archibald, King Kong, new photos of Nessie, pay for us to go to Scotland, Mr. Crowley, Catfished by Nessie, AND MORE! CW: Mention of fictional SA (6:45 - 7:00), genetic manipulation (4:30 - 15:30), Catholicism (28:45 - 31:30), drowning/underwater monster attack (29:40 - 31:30), suicide/tragedy (1:01 - 1:02)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

99 EPISODES! We wanted to celebrate getting this far with something big, so we chose dinosaurs! This episode we bring you two classic dino cryptids with LD choosing to learn about the Kasai Rex! This theropod dinosaur supposedly hunts the waterways of the Congo, and not only does it eat large animals like rhinos… but maybe people too. It’s welcome to eat us any time though as we go big or go home with this sharp-toothed scale-friend!Featuring: LD’s favorite dinosaur that isn’t a dinosaur, this is a theme-song-heavy episode, a prehistoric game returns with Dino Yes or No (play along at home!), LD’s Smut Corner, possessive werepenguins, Spooky News - Antarctic crimes, The 300 Club, mysteries below the pyramids, pictures of lizards don’t count as pictures of dinosaurs, how do you find a severed hand in “good” condition, the hunter becomes the hunted, hippopotamus = lake cow bacon, a new segment: What That Downstairs Doing?, AND MORE!  CW: news of physical assault, accusations of SA, and mental health distress in isolated scenarios (35:30-40:00), stories of poachers/big game hunters as well as descriptions of animals and people killed by predators (45:00-1:10)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We jump right back into the deep end with Part 2 of IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS! This episode we bring you the GOO Conference (Great Old Ones) with an all new list of eldritch horrors and hard-to-pronounce names. So get your brackets ready and strap in and strap on for Tsathoggua, Idh-Yaa, Y’Golonac, Glaaki, Boat Z’uqqa-Mogg, Ithaqua, Gobogeg, Sfatlicllp, and the ultimate champion of this year’s Salty 16 Single Smooch Elimination Bracket!Featuring: A mini Spooky News - watch politicians talk about aliens in a new doc… I guess - The Great Old One (GOO) Conference, eldritch tiddies are back, Derek predictably struggles with eldritch pronunciations, A big girthy frog with a queer tongue, what if Lovecraft wrote the musical Cats, an underground brain-dick, Kevin: the greatest eldritch horror, eepy and hungy is weirdly attractive, and the WINNER of our In the March of Madness bracket!CW: Modern US politicians mentioned (5:00-8:15), allusion to SA (26:00-26:30, 38:50-39:30), Body Horror (27:50-28:15), Mention of the Algonquin monster We****o as an alternative name for an eldritch being (36:30-43:00) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s that time again! Continuing from last year we once again bring you IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS, our very own monster-smooching bracket of Lovecraftian and eldritch beings. So strap in and strap on for SIXTEEN SALTY beings of unknowable horror and tentacles as we complete a single-elimination bracket broken into two conferences. This episode we tackle the BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) Conference with Yibb-Tstll, Gnoph-Keh, Magnum Innomunandum, Mh’Ithrha, the Mi-Go, the Nightgaunts, Cthulhu, and Ubbo-Sathla!Featuring: LD’s Monster Smut Corner - Caged Romances - Spooky News: Legalize Bigfoot, DOGE hates researching aliens, Pokémon Day - IN THE MARCH OF MADNESS SALTY SIXTEEN SINGLE SMOOCH ELIMINATION: BOG (Beings and Outer Gods) CONFERENCE: eldritch tiddies, nameless mists, Lovecraft’s childhood nightmares, AND MORE!CW: Modern US politics (21:30-29:45)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Valentine’s Day from all of us at Monster Crush! We celebrate Monster Love every single day but it feels especially important on this corporatized, pre-assigned day of affection. So this time we bring you a couple of monsters to make your heart skip a beat… as they rip it from your chest. Yes, far from content with heart-shaped boxes of candy, these monsters prefer hearts with more gooshy filling. So please enjoy the Danish fell-knight, the Valraven and the Korean 9-tailed fox of cunning evil, the Kumiho!Featuring: Do we talk about actual Monster F***ing enough? - We restate our mission and boundaries - Spooky News: Ghost Earthquakes - Saxsquatch: musician and hero - Why does the heart symbol not look like an actual heart? -  Roman’s sexed a plant to extinction - king hearts are like raven Taco Bell - bury your dead or else - Valraven has Pokemon evolutions - we support women’s wrongs - the best way to ruin a wedding: look like the bride and get naked - And More!CW: Consumption of humans - specifically hearts (throughout), train-accident related death (12:40-12:50), child death (41:35-43:00)We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Monster Crush is back! After our holiday hiatus, we are energized and ready for even more monster smooches. And in this new year and month of love, we decide to give a second chance to some of our previously unchosen singletons. So strap in and strap on this week for a second chance for the J'ba Fofi, a massive spider cryptid from the Congo! And I did say SPIDER so if that's not your thing, skip the second half of this episode, I mean it. Featuring: We’re Back! - Spooky News: Project Immaculate Constellation, Alien eggs, Supernatural (the show) hot takes, Bribe aliens to get rid of Ohio, Gem City Vampires - Shoutout to Shadow - Where do the ghosts go when the walls are gone? - Just so many spiders - Timothy the sink spider - Creationists also love cryptids - Canada is weird -   How to smooch without lips - And more! CW: mentions of Christianity in military and politics (11:10-11:20), loud noise (36:20), a whole lot of spiders (40:00-it never ends), implied dog death (52:25-52:30), creationist Christianity (53:20-1:00:40) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Holidays and, more importantly, Gruss Vom Krampus from all of us at Monster Crush! We finally did it! We released a holiday episode and finally got around to covering the Christmas Devil himself, the one and only KRAMPUS! And it’s no secret that this horny holiday hellion is a smash but you may learn things about this cloven Christmas creature that you didn’t know before. So strap in and strap on for a slay ride unlike any before as Monster Crush looks for the perfect monster to climb down our chimneys and stuff our stockings just right. Featuring: a Monster Crush Carol, LD is a good girl, holiday traditions - local and worldwide, two songs about logs, Saint Nick: The Saint of EVERYTHING, resurrection of some pickle kids, Flossy & Glossy the reindeer, a bunch of Krampus-kopy-kats, “Krampus is an evil man”, JK Simmons can get it, we love a consensual switching, AND MORE! CW: mentions of christianity and religious holidays throughout, brief mentions of alcohol consumption throughout, general mentions of child punishment/corporal punishment of children throughout, family members being forced into sex work in a religious story (30:15-30:45),  child death and attempted cannibalism in a religious story (31:15-31:45), blackface in European holiday practices (39:30-40:50) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We all love to play with toys but can you love a toy that plays with you? What about a toy that has intense, possibly malicious, paranormal energy attached to it? If you said yes, then do I have the date for you! This episode LD entertains two of the most notorious haunted dolls around with Robert the Doll and the infamous Annabelle! With these spirit-laden dolls, it’s important to remember the key rules for any romantic endeavor: safety first, consent is crucial, and make sure to clean your toys when you’re done. Featuring: What was your favorite childhood Christmas gift - the gift of unmatched socks - Shoutout to LD’s sister for predicting this episode - LD’s personal experience with haunted dolls - Haunted Dolls can be a bummer - Letta Me Out! The Doll - don’t scapegoat your dolls - letters to Robert - we aren’t superstitious but we are a little stitious - salute your Captain Crunch - Annabelle isn’t as scary as you think - Raggedy Anne is into choking - zoning laws are scarier than demons - our version of Haunted Doll Watch - has this whole episode been about sex toys? - AND MORE! CW: mention of child death in relation to haunted dolls (16:00-19:00, 42:00-42:30), vehicular accident/death (50:00-51:00) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s a special Thanksgiving episode for LD and Derek and they are thankful for so much. We are thankful to you, our wonderful audience (like all 7 of you), we are thankful for the opportunity to make a podcast as friends, and we are thankful for all of the smoochable monsters! So this episode, we prepare a Thanksgiving feast, and the main course? Why, it’s our monstrous singletons! So strap in and strap on for The Bird Beasts of Var as our protein with a side of The Veggieman of West Virginia. These flavorful cryptids are hopefully not too much of a mouthful… Featuring: What we are thankful for - funeral potatoes - Spooky News: Superstitions may make you super sad, a new paranormal book rec, haunted Disney, congressional UAP update(!) - looking for monsters in Shagtown - a sucking hug - sometimes it’s just birds - tits, tats, and all that’s - And more! CW: mentions of food throughout, brief mention of funerals (2:00-3:45), mental health/depression (9:10-13:15), Sk**w*lkers (13:55-14:50), thorns/needles/vampirism (35:15-39:00) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Given recent events, we here at Monster Crush have decided to stop all this monkey business. So join us as we go ape-shit for our singletons this week! Insert additional monkey pun here. So strap in and strap on for some cryptids who might involve reaching a loving hand back down the evolutionary branch so chimpler times (that’s the last one, I swear). This date we bring you the Stellar’s Sea Ape and the Monkey Man of Delhi! Featuring: Monster Crush is here to distract but never to ignore - Ranking the hottest Donkey Kong characters - Sean Astin’s connection to Donkey Kong is revealed - Spooky News: Happy Godzilla Day, more US congress alien talks, and outer space gets wet - A really Stellar group of animals - Otter tubes - Mundane monsters vs. bonkers monsters - Beyond Belief lives up to its name - Rooftop sleeping - India’s Weapon X Program - And more! CW: Allusion to current events/2024 US election (1:45-4:00 & 1:02:00-1:04:00), attempted harm to animals (38:00-38:30), mentions of physical assault (47:15-48:45), also The Monkey Man of Delhi can be interpreted as implied abuse to animals/animal testing We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Episode 90 has arrived and just in time for Halloween! So join us as we dive a stake deep into the heart of one of the most iconic monsters of all time, a terror who has dug his fangs deep into the neck of pop culture, the vampire of all vampires - COUNT DRACULA! So strap in and strap on for an exploration into the fictional and real world history of the most famous bloodsucker around! Featuring: What is a Dracula? - Vampires around the world - Bram Stoker’s love triangle - Dracula Recap - Van Helsing’s eyebrows - The many actors of Dracula - The hodgepodge of Dracula - Impale me, daddy - Vlad learns the importance of public relations - Count Wampyr - The OG lesbian Dracula - Bloody Tears - THE WEATHERMAKER - And More! CW: Discussions of blood, blood-draining, vampirism, defiling a corpse (staking and beheading thereof), and undead throughout, kidnapping/murder/bathing in blood (40:00 - 42:00), genocide/horrors of war/impaling (46:00 - 1:10:00), animal cruelty/death (1:00:00 - 1:01:00) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s SPOOKY MONTH and so Monster Crush continues it’s Halloween tradition of bringing you three monsters who represent some of the most iconic seasonal creatures. This year, in our Halloween Threesome, we bring you a ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf: The Kyōkotsu, The Vampire Beast/Beast of Bladenboro, and The Werewolf of Werewolf Springs respectively. So strap in and strap on for some crazy bones, a thirsty cat, and the most werewolf to ever werewolf! Featuring: What is the most iconic Halloween monster? - Monster cereals - Spooky News: We sell out, get a free new vehicle or $100,000, Mormon Wives of Tiktok, TWO LOCH NESS MONSTERS - Crazy Bones - Stop tossing your bones down wells - Large cats the size of small bears - LD gets predictably hot for a werewolf - Trains just chock full of werewolves - Wolfmen NOT Sasquatches - It’s ok to have simple pleasures CW: Improper disposal/desecration of dead bodies (21:15-26:15), pet/domesticated animal death (26:30-36:45 and 44:15-44:30), violent murder (43:15-44:45), gun violence (45:00-45:45) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We said we would do it and, against all better judgment, we’re finally doing it.. It’s the SLEEP PARALYSIS EPISODE! So strap in and strap on for a journey into nightmares as LD braves her own subconscious for this week’s singletons. So, presented in this episode are LD’s very own sleep paralysis demons! Including: The Bowler-Hat-Man, The Hag (aka Foot Goblin), and The Changeling! Will Derek find love in these manifestations of his co-hosts' fears? Listen to find out! Featuring: Vote Derek for president of the US - The best part of waking up? Consensual oral - Spooky News: 15 years of Paranormal Activity (the movie), more Conjuring House drama, the next UFO hearing is soon! - Hats make you big - The true story of Nightmare on Elm Street - Hags have a thing for feet - Cuck the Black Hat Man - And more! CW: This entire episode is about sleep paralysis - data shows that episodes of sleep paralysis can be triggered by discussions of the phenomena - if you have experienced sleep paralysis in the past, this might be an episode you want to skip… but do what you want, I’m not your dad.Also: brief mentions of/references to modern politics, mental health issues, spider monsters and other nightmarish imagery throughout       We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s an age-old question: Head or No Head? Well despite your feelings on the matter, the singletons this week are fervently in the “No Head” category. But that doesn’t mean they are not worthy of love! So join us on this date with good ol’ boy cryptid, The Grafton Monster, and the ‘mythological’ race of headless humanoids, the Blemmyes! Maybe they’ll prove that you can show love even without (a) head.  Featuring: LD is “Pro-Head” - Whistlin’ cryptids - Teenage monster-hunting parties - Random missing polar bears - “Eye-Boobers” - Giant werewolves carrying the ghost of Baby Jesus - Women with beards - headless people in every corner of the map CW: Death by old age (22:30-22:55), implied harm to animals (24:00-25:00), Birth defects (41:00-41:35) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Welcome TRUE BELIEVERS to this episode of Monster Crush. With all the news these days coming from Marvel Comics we thought we’d jump on that bandwagon and ride some superheroic coattails (cape-tails?). So this week enjoy some familiar Marvel names that were originally attributed to some less than familiar monsters. These Silver Age singletons were pulled straight from the pages of Marvel Comics thanks in major part to the book The A - Z of Marvel Monsters! EXCELSIOR! Featuring: The original Groot, The original Hulk (Xemnu), and Thorr! Featuring: What superhero would make the best cryptid? - Spooky News! Including: Bigfoot sanctuaries, don’t roundhouse kick ghost performers, Cali UFO flap, and Ghost Hunter assassinations?! - LD’s Randy Quaid encounter (tease) - Groot language elective credits - first step to ruling the world: get a TV show - space travel in the Marvel Universe is really bad - the confidence of a small town electrician - don’t throw dynamite into a volcano - AND MORE! CW: Implied superhero death and implied torture (5:50 - 6:20), legal issues involving assault (10:00 - 15:46), news about people experiencing paranoia (20:30 - 24:30), Silver Age comic book monsters with a focus on domination/comic violence/mind control/implied genocide (throughout) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

We are back with another Second Chance At Love for some of our monstrous singletons who didn’t make the cut in previous episodes! Winning out this week is the Alabama Metalman, an alien/cryptid/potential superhero who more or less ruined the life of a local police chief. Even cryptids are living that ACAB life it seems. So strap on and strap in for a shiny short king with some serious hops and lots of talk about corn! Featuring: A stable of monsters frothing at the mouth(s) - Alabama twang - Police Chief of F***ville - The dangers of corn - shiny short king in a cornfield - Smallville meets Futurama - Don’t listen to your wife when it comes to aliens - A man lives out a sad country song - Best advice for photographing the supernatural - Is hoaxing worth it? No. CW: Brief mention of spiders and creepy crawlies (6:45 - 7:45), mentions of police throughout, brief mention of automobile accidents (16:30 - 17:00), a person having a real rough time in life - job loss, loss of credibility, divorce, home loss, bullying, gangstalking, etc. (basically the entire second half of the episode)   We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It’s the age old question we must ask all of our romantic partners.. Would you still love me if I was a Wyrm? That is to say a massive, writing beast that haunts the waterways and dark places of the world. To explore this question we bring you two particularly wyrmy (or wormy depending on your definition) singletons today in the first of what is to become a Monster Crush mini series. So please strap in and strap on for the Lagarfljót worm of Iceland and Sinkhole Sam of Kansas, USA!Featuring: Would you still love me if I was a worm? - the genesis of a meme - Heidi Kulm’s Halloween costumes - Spooky News: graveyard mysteries, flying shapeshifters, and ghost marriages - Wyrm or Worm? - Lake monsters are like Fergie (i.e. HUMPS) - Amphibious lake monsters - Catholics are so DRAMATIC - Microscopic nightmare beasts - AND MORE! CW: Implied body horror (i.e. turning into a worm) - opener, child death from disease/disturbing of a grave (10:30 - 13:45), death from automobile accident (18:00 - 22:30), brief mention of parasites (i.e. heartworms) (22:35 - 22:40), some allusions to current events at the end of the episode  We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Does size matter? Is bigger always better? These are the tough questions we tackle here at Monster Crush. With that in mind we explore two ends of the size spectrum with the diminutive forest spirit of the Congo, The Eloko, and the sizable but probably-internet-bs mountain monster, the Bergkonge. While these two vary greatly in size they share surprisingly a lot in common. Most importantly, they want you in their mouths! Featuring: Does size actually matter? - A new game: Bigger Or Smaller! - Charizard is a short king - what’s 50 feet between friends - three new genders: violent, feral, cannibalistic - when the moral to the story doesn’t match up - classical music bops - sexy scorpion/lizards - made up monsters are valid - we pay tribute to the cast of The Mummy - Derek’s metric conversion woes - AND MORE CW: brief mention of tragic event (Titanic), brief discussion of allergies (grass allergies), mentions of cannibalistic monsters throughout, magical mind control, folkloric racism towards Romani peoples - allusion to kidnapping and possible SA, and discussion of being devoured We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

People are seeing something in the warmer parts of the ocean. Unlike any other sea serpent, this singleton is segmented, lined with flippers, and will give you whatever head you want it to. It’s the Con Rit, a potentially creepy crawly cryptid that lurks in the waters of Vietnam and, if all of the slightly connected sightings can be believed, lots of other places too! But with so many options for hand/flipper-holding, will LD find love? Featuring: How many legs is too many legs, A NEW GAME: Celebrity Cryptids, background kitten howling, flippers is legs, “lengthed”, if it stinks then throw it back, definition of a ‘Globster’, pick your own kind of head, love a fella with sheet metal siding, Montauk Monster mentions, hairy nostrils, you have to speculate and extrapolate to love monsters, and it’s ok to say no     CW: SPIDERS AND INSECTS throughout, brief mention of alcohol (18:50 - 19:00), mentions of animal remains from the ocean throughout, mentions of colonization, brief alluding to animal experimentation We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Daddy’s Day! To celebrate all those monster lovers who appreciate some good daddy energy, we bring you the Greek Mythological Father of All Monsters: TYPHON! This hundred-headed, serpentine titan is ancient, virile, and looking for love… and also the devastation of the Olympians. But maybe LD can soothe his volcanic spirit and show a little modern TLC to this Ancient Greek BBEG. Featuring: What makes a “Daddy”, a lot of Mommy Monsters, Grendel’s Mom Has Got It Going On, Happy All-Fathers Day to Loki, Spooky News: The UK is running out of ghosts, Stormy Daniels can speak with the dead, Mothman’s butt becomes a bank - just so many heads and so many snakes, having babies out of spite, when I grow up I want to be a “mythographer”, all the monster kids, gods in disguise, a lot of monster dads end up under mountains, and more! CW: Discussions of real-world religions, brief mention of recent politics and presidential candidate legal troubles, mythological cannibalism and mutilation We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Monster Crush returns with a Heavy Hitter episode! It’s time for Derek to admit that he was wrong as we entertain the surprisingly complex world of the Jackalope and it’s many horned relatives! So get ready for things to get horny and harey (as in the animal, it’s not a typo) as we discuss the ancient history of lepines with nice racks, the rogue taxidermy that continued the legend, and the real virus that may have inspired it all. Once accepted by science, later resigned to be a hoax, we bring you the Jackalope (or Antelabbit), Almiraj, Lepus Cornutus, Rasselbock, Skvader, and Wolpertinger! Featuring: What is your second favorite animal, Cat noises, Derek’s many boxes, Jackalopes are tenors, mail-order taxidermy school, the fun kind of hoax, everyone loves Wall Drugs, legalize the Jackalope, horned hares all the way down, the Jackalope was not the first horny hare, unicorn bunnies, flying bunnies, horned flying bunnies, and more!  CW: Taxidermy, Hunting for Sport, Viruses/Mentions of Herpes/Animal Body Horror (53:50 - 56:45) We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network (beacons.ai/swordandkey). Support our campaign for Trans Lifeline through any of our streams on twitch.tv/sword_and_key or on our socials. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

EPISODE 79: IS THAT A LIGHTSABER IN YOUR POCKETIT IS A TIME OF MONSTER SMOOCHING IN THE GALAXY…Ok, enough caps lock, this won’t scroll anyway. Happy Star Wars Day! In honor of one of the greatest epic space operas, we bring you our very first Monster Crush Star Wars episode! So feel free to get a little cocky, have a good feeling about this, and feel the love flowing through you as we search for love in less than 12 parsecs. Featuring a monster from each of the main Star Wars trilogies: the Acklay, the Rancor, and the Rathtar. May the Force be with you! Featuring: Our journey with Star Wars (and possibly Christ), Star Wars - Star Trek - StFarscape, what is your lightsaber color, some inevitable hot takes, Star Wars edition of Smooch/Mate/Slay, the wildest alien species: birds, Derek gets on his soapbox about pitbulls (the dog, not Mr. Worldwide), the rancor handler is the best actor in the series, we don’t talk about the Trillian Massacre, "Hello There" CW: Brief mention of TERF fantasy writer, mention of fictional creature death, mentions of being eaten alive and monstrous carnivorous practices We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Hear that sound out there in the dark woods? Well pull up a log to the fire and we’ll tell you all about those things that lurk out there in the dark… and how cute they are! This episode we explore FEARSOME CRITTERS and don’t worry, there’s nothing to be scared of. I mean, so what if they probably all are made up tall tales, these Critters are lurking for love and you might just be the one to give it to them. So get ready for the jointless Hugag and the projectile-prone Agropelter! Strap in and strap on!Featuring: What is a Fearsome Critter?, consent is sexy and important (especially for critters),  storytime with Wily Jeff, “pantographic”, – Spooky News: vampire/ghost/pink marshmallows, space dinosaurs and glowing fungus, NASA vs. Nessie, – like a horse but wrong, BIG OLE KITTLESON, arms like a literal cannon, Sweet Caroline/Agropelter, are your legs named “tall tales” because I’m trying to spread them     CW: Brief Description of Rock Slides 16:20-17:15, True Crime (murder) 20:10-23:30, Implied dismemberment 50:45-51:45 We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

In the March of Madness is back with PART TWO - THE WESTERN CONFERENCE (not that the cardinal direction has any meaning here). We are back with even more eldritch horrors to drive you to the very brink of madness... in a sexy way? Get ready the final rounds of our Salty 17-single-elimination-smiooch bracket featuring more tentacles and mouths than you can literally imagine. So strap in and strap on because we're going even deeper on this one. Featuring: Eastern Conference recap, Daggy Dagon, Lovecraft is still trash, Spooky News!, Mothman’s new ink, 10 feet on ground/30 feet in air, THE WESTERN CONFERENCE, Late Night with Conan The Barbarian, Don’t mess with snakes, The King in Yellow is a Man of Mystery, Instant mummy, Twilight “toys”, “Six-legged polar bear with a narwhal horn”, even cosmic horrors gossip, The toughest decision LD has ever had to make     CW: Tentacles (general Lovecraftian theme), implied non-consent (general Lovecraftian theme), madness/mental illness as a general “eldritch” concept, real world tragedy (i.e. Bridge Collapse) at 17:00-17:33, Mention of suicide/gun violence 19:45-21:26, Mentions of ill/infirm loved ones 20:00-21:00, Implied harm to animals 27:30-28:00, living mummification/paralysis 43:00-45:00 We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

In the spirit of March Madness we give you a showdown between some of the most madness-inducing monsters ever imagined. Get ready for In The March of Madness, a 17-monster single-elimination bracket featuring some of the most notable eldritch horrors of Lovecraftian fiction. We get really deep with these old ones as we narrow down who is the most smoochable cosmic horror. Featuring: Lovecraft is a piece of **** but his monsters are neat, the worst name for a cat, THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, big fish vs. flaccid volcano, galaxy-sized mass of swirling tentacles vs. flappy slug that controls dolphins, plus some major upsets and so much more! CW: the racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and otherwise ultra-conservatism of H.P. Lovecraft, discussions of "madness" outside of mental health definitions, mention of SA, occultism We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

WaHOOO Happy Mario Day! Or rather Happy March 10 (MAR10)! To celebrate we pulled inspiration from everyone’s favorite plumber/shell-stomper to present two monsters from the real-world. So make sure you have extra lives and get ready for The Tanuki and the Kayeri!. The Tanuki is a yokai from Japanese folklore and mythology which presents as a shapeshifting racoon dog with a massive set of… attributes. Meanwhile the Kayeri are giant mushroom monsters Cuiba people of Colombia and Venezuela. Will LD find love with these monsters? Listen to find out!  Featuring: Our first Mario games, who we main in Mario Kart and what that says about us, some Mario facts and history, we are not a video game podcast, the most useful balls in monsterdom, prankster yokai, playground songs about monster scrotums, super strong fungi, mushrooms will take your daughters and your cows, and what if the balls are… too big? CW: A LOT of genital talk in this one, mentions of trickery/deception/gaslighting, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of damage to internal organs/death We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Take the jump with us into a whole new series of dates! For this Leap Year Derek presents LD with two monsters who use jumping as their primary means of motion. So hop on in, strap on, and strap in for the Pérák, the Spring Man of Prague, and the Jiangshi, the hopping vampires of China. Also, get ready for some Spooky News that also weirdly features a jumping monster and just so much more.  Featuring: Jumping as the best method of movement, happy Leap Year to all the “Bisextiles”, Leap Year traditions, Leap Year Monsters that will break your heart, Spooky News!, Japanese chode snakes will boost the economy, The Spring Man is the Czech Captain America, Hopping for Qi, unkillable monsters with way too many weaknesses, recognizing red flags, and MORE. CW: Mentions of attacks, mentions of sexual assault, discussions of WWII, discussions of war, discussions of death/corpses We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy New Year… again! That is, Happy Lunar New Year and according to the Chinese zodiac it is the year of the Wood Dragon! So 28 episodes after first mentioning them, we are finally giving Chinese Dragons their own episode. Join us as we delve into the millennia of tradition and culture that have shaped the various types of Chinese Dragons and be patient with Derek as he does his damn best to pronounce Chinese words. Featuring: The caffeine that powers Monster Crush, Happy Lunar New Year, LD & Derek’s Chinese Zodiac signs, Snek, A LOT of nines and other numbers, clam bellies, dragons are camel/bull/rabbit/stag/snake/clam/carp/tiger/eagles, so many Chinese dragons, even more Chinese dragons, no jokes about Longwang, lethal fashion, dragons are EVERYWHERE… so are dinosaurs?, Phoenix yes/Tiger no CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Storms/Dangerous weather phenomena We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Where do you plan to spend your afterlife? For some of the departed, they chose an eternity of entertainment in the theater! Join us as LD joins two of her loves: Scares and Stagecraft to discuss Theater Ghosts! These paranormal performers and spectral spectators are sure to send a shiver up your spine when all is dark except the ghostlight! Featuring: An unasked for deep dive into Derek’s religious ideologies, Hot takes on Jackalopes, 10 foot tall aliens EVERYWHERE, Theater Superstitions, The REAL Phantom of the Opera and Spooky News: Democracy chooses Chupacabra, High Quality Collectible Cryptid Bobbleheads, Brazilian mountain aliens, Miami Mall Aliens CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Death/Tragedy, Historical discrimination, and Tragedies related to fire We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.