Sweet Valley Hive

This week, we learn an eerily timely lesson in the dangers of what happens when we outsource empathy by having someone—or something—handle our communications for us. When Jess and Liz open an anonymous letter-writing service, they think it will be an easy way to make a quick buck. But they forget one important thing: as the eponymous Maria of the song “Take a Letter, Maria” knows all too well: proxies are never neutral—they are ALWAYS ALREADY invested in the interactions they purport to simply mediate!The letters lead to an escalating series of misunderstandings, miscommunications, and machinations, culminating in a scene of staggering dramatic irony that leaves Liz—and us—wondering: was the juice (a new warm-up jacket) worth the squeeze? Join us for “Small Language Models” (Sweet Valley High 88, Love Letters for Sale).

This week, Todd is minding his business, shooting basketball….s, when a shadowy figure from his past returns and threatens everything Todd holds dear. Kevin (whom we DON’T need to talk about) charms Todd’s family and friends and frames him for a string of muggings, leaving Todd feeling gaslit and us wondering “Was this earned?” Meanwhile, we ponder how many good summers we have left, stumble upon an accidental celebrity encounter, and fantasize about Mrs. Wilkins’ fettuccine Alfredo, in “A Boy Stealer is a Boy Stealer” (Sweet Valley High Super Star 5, Todd’s Story). 

This week, Liz resists fascist censorship to force a necessary discussion of sexual harassment at Sweet Valley High. The surprisingly rich text touches both our hosts, drawing tears and stories of our own high school free speech crusades. Join us for a discussion of plain-looking girls (they’re smarter than you think), zines (they’re like renegade newspapers!), and the power of feminine rage, in “We Need a Hotline!” (Sweet Valley High #87, My Best Friend’s Boyfriend).

This week, it’s a battle of the sexes in Sweet Valley when resident rich jerk Bruce—in a transparent bid for more screen time—creates a mysterious, exclusive, boys-only club that is wreaking havoc on the school with their pranks. Naturally Jessica challenges Bruce and his patent Title IX violation, starting a dangerous dare-war and a (devastatingly timely) conversation about sexual politics at Sweet Valley High.Will Jessica smash the glass ceiling and prove a point about equality? Or will Bruce’s final prank smash Jessica flat on the train tracks??? Join us for a discussion of the incoherence of gender categories, the semiotics of menthols, and whether we’d rather be happy or right, in “Can Anything a Boy Can Do, Can a Girl Be Doing It?” (Sweet Valley High 86, Jessica Against Bruce).

This week, we have a departure from form as we attempt to recreate an episode we already recorded that was accidentally deleted by our very very very handsome main character figure.Meanwhile, Jess and Liz have scored coveted roles on a soap opera! While Jess gets caught up in the Hollywood life and an inappropriately aged suitor, Liz is inspired to conduct an ethnography of television production (boring!) Join us for a discussion of meaty plots, blood sacrifice, and the inherent nobility of below-the-line workers, in “3-2-1 Zoop” (Sweet Valley High #85, Soap Star).

This week, a stolen diary causes a modicum of drama in Sweet Valley and a near nervous breakdown for Pardo, who finds the disconnect between the book’s title, cover, taglines, and plot unmooring and highly stressful. Robert, on the other hand, loves the book and has come prepared with “textual reasons” to back it up. Join us for a discussion of stalkers, Sherlock Holmes,and the simple pleasures of being 16, blonde, and beautiful in “It’s a Rork-Shrack” (Sweet Valley High #84, The Stolen Diary).

This week, we have a study in the terror of the domestic. When her mom gets transferred to London for a new job, it seems Cara’s only option is to elope with her corpse boyfriend Steven. But as the date grows nearer, Cara becomes acquainted with the grim realities of what the performative act of marriage entails: negligee, whiny children, and—the most horrific of all—gay husbands. Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert discuss Sylvia Plath, color theory, and Hungry Man dinners in “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride).

This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).

This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).

This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).

Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety,  in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).

*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).

This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).

This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime.  Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).

This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).

GAY! GAY? GAY. G-G-GAAAAAAYYYYY! 🎶 We’ve got our first named gay character/ We’ve got the most important book of our lives/ Did I cry this morning/ Absolutely I did!/ I cried reading about gay teenagers! 🎶 This week, the arrival of a handsome stranger from SAN FRANCISCO (no homo…er, yes homo) sends shockwaves through both Sweet Valley and our world. Along the way we touch on Tim Horton’s sexuality, Robert’s coming out story, and why being a homosexual teenager involves so many pamphlets—and tennis rackets!—in “He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love).

*Content warning: eating disorders*Well, apparently President Bill Clinton has recently put out a PSA about eating disorders, so we have another book about the importance of getting skinny, this time with an important clarification: don’t get too skinny! You could faint or something!In the B-plot, the cheerleaders are once again tasked with the inequitable burden of athletics department fundraising. When they come up with the ingenious idea of a “Gourmet Gorge Yourself Gala,” everyone has one question on their mind: will weakened Robin Wilson have the strength to open the cans (??) of chocolate syrup?Along the way, we revisit historic moments from some iconic leading ladies: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, and Rebecca Pardo in Woman vs. Haribos. Join us for “A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl).

It’s a party this week as Robert and Pardo are physically co-present for only the second time in hive history! To celebrate, we experiment with the form, playing a deceptively straightforward drinking game that descends into chaos almost immediately. In Sweet Valley, a new addictive drug has hit the streets: photography. When Liz inherits her beloved dead friend Regina’s camera, she almost immediately stumbles upon evidence that implicates her in an international drug ring. Is there something mystical at work here?  Is Regina leading Liz on this quest from beyond the grave? Will Robert get any pasta salad? Find out in “Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy).

This week, there’s a new girl in town and she’s shrouded in mystery: is she the live-in girlfriend of a man old enough to be her father, or is she the live-in daughter of a man old enough to be her father? Oh, and not for nothing: the man is a ROCK STAR!Join us for a discussion of marimbas, angel hair pasta in the 90s, and—despite Robert’s adamant protestations—shrinkage, in “Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl).

This week, the demotic turn has hit Sweet Valley as we take a decidedly modern look at reality television.Jessica is auditioning to appear on a national talk show, Lila is recruiting (shirtless, droplet-covered) Bruce to plot against her, and Liz is trying to deal with the most difficult question every young person must answer: am I a writer...or a ranger?Join us for a good old-fashioned twin switch and a robust discussion of ordinary people and the media (a topic that Pardo is, unfortunately, smart about), in ”Staring Jessica” (Sweet Valley High #71, Starring Jessica).

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Sweet Valley, and the ghost of boyfriends past (ahem…Jeffrey French) and terrible dads have come to teach Enid a thing or two about love, family, and marijuana. We also learn about the shocking power of Christmas cookies, the warning signs for parental manipulation, and the chokehold that mistletoe had on Sweet Valley teens in the 80s in “Books Are Mother” (Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story).

This week, we have the ultimate battle for quarterback supremacy as newly no-longer-blind Ken Matthews faces off against (gasp) GIRL Claire Middleton. Can SVH handle a woman on the football team? Can Jessica and the cheerleaders bully Claire into dropping out and restoring the status quo? Can anyone rhyme “score” with something other than “more”?Join us as we answer these questions, plus discuss an exciting new business opportunity, explore the undeniable hold of “The Valley” (the other one), and talk about our fertile centers in “Cheer Violence” (Sweet Valley High #70, Ms. Quarterback).

**Content warning: graphic racial violence**This week, we have a complicated book and a roller coaster of an episode. Our text follows Neil, a White teenager who develops increasingly racist perspectives and gradually turns against his Black friend Andy until things reach a head in a highly upsetting climax. Meanwhile, Sweet Valley High is having a broader reckoning about inequality when the results of a recent student survey reveal widespread grievances on everything from funding for women’s sports to racism in history class. Liz is even planning a “racial awareness seminar!” DEI, bitch!Join us for a wide-ranging discussion of the psychology of White racism, Pardo’s Pap smear,  and whether it’s offensive to not be attracted to your doctor, in “I Love My Lizard Brain” (Sweet Valley High #69, Friend Against Friend).**Content warning: graphic racial violence** 

Just for fun, try this quick thought experiment.Soccer boy meets rocker girl.Soccer boy and rocker girl bond over classic cinema.Soccer boy and rocker girl fall in love, playing right into the hands of the liberal democratic agenda to produce acquiescent subjects serving the needs of the state under the guise of that which is perceived as the most authentic of experiences…romantic love. (But we’re not going to talk about that).In this week’s text, Liz and Todd work together to set up Dana Larson and Aaron Dallas, who have both recently (and loudly) professed their disinterest in love.Along the way, we discuss why you should always remove the colon from your paper titles, assume a fig is a metaphor for a vagina, and beware of water ghosts in “I’ve Never Once Heard You Say Wow” (Sweet Valley High #68, The Love Bet).

Blonde twins scheming to romantically entrap their parents? We know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different. In The Parent PLOT (yes, PLOT!), Jess’s and Liz’s plots are at odds with each other–Liz trying to get their parents back together, and Jess working to set them up with new partners! Along the way, we discuss family guilt, Robert’s new hobby (you guessed it–sexing mice), and the appropriateness of being on a date with your student’s mother at Chez Sam.Join us for “What Darts But a Mouse” (Sweet Valley High #67, The Parent Plot).

This week, we have the fallout from Tahoe in the second book of the trilogy dealing with the Wakefields’ marital drama.When their parents separate, the twins adapt as best they can, with Liz “running away” (aka sleeping at Enid’s for one night) and Jess leveraging parental guilt to get extra money for western wear.Plus, Jess finally plans to meet the mysterious “Charlie” she’s been talking to on a party line. Join us as we brace for the stunning reveal in “The Ululations and Throatations of the Situation” (Sweet Valley High #66, Who’s to Blame?).

This week, it’s Succession meets Flea Market Flip when grandfather Patman announces a cutthroat competition between Bruce and Roger, and the stakes couldn’t be higher: the keys to the Patman estate.Along the way, we discuss embarrassing moments (coulda been Alanis!), heterosocial friendships, and slow-flushing toilets in “The Rabbit and The Hare“ (Sweet Valley High Super Star #2, Bruce’s Story).

*** updated ***This week, we look into the void and come face-to-face with our own obsolescence. Pardo has made the fatal error of prompting ChatGPT to write an episode script in our voices, and when we do a live table read, the results are terrifyingly accurate.Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, marital tensions are escalating at the Wakefield home, so Jess escapes to a happier place—a teen party line that charges a dollar a minute! When she starts getting to know the mysterious “Charlie,” we wonder whether he’ll turn out to be a child, a 43-year-old line cook named Dwayne, or (most terrifying of all) just plain ugly!Join us as everything we hold dear is shaken to its core in “The World is Imploding; Pass the Salad Tongs” (Sweet Valley High #65, Trouble at Home).

There’s a new girl in town, and—wouldn’t you know it—she looks just like Steven’s dead girlfriend, Tricia Martin! This throws Steven into a state of delusion and psychosis, setting the stage for a horror film that would make Hitchcock herself jealous. Meanwhile, Jess embraces green juice and recycling as she sets her sights on a new boy with an eco-friendly lifestyle. Underneath his “No Nukes” T-shirt is, after all, a lean physique.Join us as we explore manic pixie dream ghosts, discuss pathologized grief, and pray for Steven’s untimely death, in “The Most Chilling Chef’s Salad in History” (Sweet Valley High #64, The Ghost of Tricia Martin).

Note: Readers are advised to read this book with a pair of scissors in hand.Sick of being pigeonholed as predictable and boring, Liz decides to surprise everyone by secretly taking surfing lessons. To her (and our) delight, she turns out to be quite the little surfer girl, inadvertently referencing the song Robert’s parents danced to at their bar mitzvah!As Liz leans in and hangs ten, the hearts of little Becky, adult Becky, and adult Robert begin to soar with the promise of (completely developmentally appropriate) adolescent identity experimentation.Meanwhile, Jess engages in “boutique terrorism” (hey, we’ve all been to the Gap–we know what the fitting room can look like) to get back at Caroline Pearce for… something?Join us as we discuss the finer points of surfing, learn why you should never Google your heroes, and do some crucial inner child work, in “I Noticed the Surfboard Gave You a Pretty Good Spanking” (Sweet Valley High #63, The New Elizabeth).

This week is an absolute barn burner of a book, as we meet two of the most memorable characters in all of literature: cool rocker chick Magenta Galaxy and upper crust society darling Daniella Fromage. Jessica has cultivated these alter egos in a scheme to enhance her dating prospects, but–wouldn’t you know– Magenta and Daniella get double booked for the same night, and Liz has to step in and assume one of the roles. What ensues is a madcap farce of epic proportions that has left an indelible mark on popular culture, and on us.Join us as we explore “the most excellent piece of literature one could imagine” (Marx, 2025), in “But the Ginger Chicken Just Arrived!” (Sweet Valley High #62, Who’s Who?).

This week’s book, as Dylan Thomas (as quoted by Robert) says, “forks no lightning.” The A-plot’s central conflict revolves around Patty’s boyfriend coming home the same weekend as her sister (?). And in the B-plot, Jess is painting T-shirts… again. It’s boring. It’s nothing. It’s a piece of water. Whatever!Luckily this utterly blank canvas provides an abundance of space for us to paint freely on such topics as Jerry Seinfeld, human evolution, the Y2K boy band 2gether, and more.Join us as we trudge through this nothing of a book (#Justice4Patty!) in “It Forks No Lightning” (Sweet Valley High #61, Boy Trouble).

What this week’s book lacks in cover and title interest, it more than makes up for in fun, froth, and flirtation. It’s our first Super Star Edition, and we’re learning that resident rich bitch Lila Fowler is more than just a gorgeous heiress: she’s a master manipulator, a timely eavesdropper, and…an AV maven?When her computer chip magnate father brings home a new fiancee, Lila senses something treacherous afoot. For someone so rich, she thinks, this woman seems “not exactly solvent.” Will Lila be able to convince her father that he’s being fooled by a grifter, or will she be doomed to life with an evil stepmother?Join us for a discussion of thoughtful maids, German reunification (which is–sorry–cringe), and Robert’s subscription to something called DaddyTV, in “Electra Who: For the Love of DILFs” (Sweet Valley High Super Star #1, Lila’s Story).

Join us under the covers this week for some quiet sobbing (it should feel wrong!) as we follow star quarterback Jason Street–oops, we mean Ken Matthews–dealing with the ramifications of a “fatal” (was it?) night.Petite brunette Terri admires Ken from afar, pondering the question every teen girl in history has asked: “Will he ever notice me, not just as the Assistant Statistician to the Sweet Valley High football team, but as someone special?”Along the way, Liz gets a glowing performance review and Jessica dates a boy who doesn’t impress-ah her much in “A Crumpled Toyota…” (Sweet Valley High #60, That Fatal Night).

This week, Todd and Liz negotiate their burgeoning new relationship as they are pitted against each other in a rope climb for this week’s high-stakes local event: the “Battle of the Schools” mini-Olympics (BOTSMO). BOTSMO includes both private and public school students and Jessica is ambivalent about her allegiances within the class warfare. Will she remain loyal to her humble public school roots, or go over to the dark side and have to change her name to Bureaucracy Rothschild? Join us as we discuss orange sherbet, AI, and the importance of proper relay team construction in “Bureaucracy Rothschild” (Sweet Valley High #59, In Love Again).

This week, shockwaves echo throughout Sweet Valley with the return of America’s second favorite homo, Todd. Yes, “Todd’s back”—and this time… he’s rich. Liz must decide whether to stay with Jeffrey, her current boyfriend and Pardo’s truest prince, or to go back to Todd, discarding Jeffrey like so much week-old chicken salad. Along the way, we trace the history of gazebos throughout literature, Pardo gives Liz a long-overdue performance review, and Robert becomes gradually radicalized into the #Justice4Jeffrey movement, in “The New President of Varitronics” (Sweet Valley High #58, Brokenhearted).

This week, beloved side character Olivia has her eyes on the hot new painting teacher at Sweet Valley High, who—spoiler alert—lacks appropriate boundaries. Join us as we discuss crushes (are they always already diminutive?), the difficulty of describing paintings with text (shapes and colors, colors and shapes), and how to use a lie detector test for maximum drama in “Which Deep Hues?!” (Sweet Valley High #57, Teacher Crush).

In our fourth Super Thriller, we have pranks gone too far. In order to embarrass Liz, Jess and Lila contrive an apparently harmless Ouija Board scheme that turns out to have a *deadly* twist. Will the Ouija board’s predictions lead to an “explosive” climax? Meanwhile, a psychopath is terrorizing Sweet Valley with hoax bomb threats! After a series of empty threats, is something bound to go “boom”? Join us as we discuss incel propaganda, the epistemology of Ouija boards, and too much chicken in “Horny for Spirit” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #4, Deadly Summer).

This week, Jess is stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific. In an eerie parallel, Pardo struggles to assemble an over-the-toilet storage unit for her bathroom. Will these young, beautiful, resourceful women succeed in creating comfortable domiciles by using the primitive tools available to them in these extraordinary circumstances? Along the way, we manage to weave together Annie Lennox, 90s computer games, and why Brandeis would have been called Bussy-deis if not for a crucial intervention at Ellis Island. It all comes together in “Denial Bangle Arguing” (Sweet Valley High #56, Lost at Sea).

We are in the basketball mood this week! Join us as we follow Sweet Valley High’s performance in the playoffs and ponder the important question: are girls allowed to be tall? Along the way, we discuss theories of style, meet “our first named hag” (Pardo, 2024), and Robert (hereafter known as Flyboy) shares a traumatizing story of having their photo in the news as a youth, in “Which Ear is the Gay Ear?” (Sweet Valley High #55, Perfect Shot).

This week, we have a devious bait and switch:  what appears to be a fun and frothy story of dating two boys in one weekend turns out to be a cautionary tale that ends (as they often do) with Liz tied up in a trunk.   Meanwhile, Robert has a slow meltdown when they realize their grand Inception-style theory of the plot has been dismantled by a small detail regarding a seal (sea lion?) stuffed animal. Join us for “Again with this, with the rope and the trunk” (Sweet Valley High #54, Two Boy Weekend).

This week, Pardo goes on an epic quest to make coffee. Meanwhile in Sweet Valley, Kristen the tennis prodigy goes on quite the journey herself, figuring out whether she could might ever leave the tennis club dining room. Join us for a conversation about choices, second chances, and what happens when your tennis coach becomes your new mom (sorry!) in “Barista under Duress” (Sweet Valley High #53, Second Chance).

This week, Robert’s GI system tackles an overabundance of acid, and our text tackles an age old question: Should girlfriends let their boyfriends spend time with their uncles? Plus, the most erotic pinball passage in the history of literature (and we would know; we read a lot of pinball fanfic). Join us for “UncleGate Part 2: This Time It’s Personal” (Sweet Valley High #52, White Lies).

This week, we’re plunged into the seedy underbelly of the world of sports betting as Ronnie Edwards (Small Fry) tries to figure out how to pay off his debts to Big Al. More importantly, she’s making jewelry now! Jessica launches an exciting entrepreneurial adventure, and nothing can stand in her way of accessory domination! Come for the catchy jingle, stay (please?) for Robert’s eight minute monologue on PF Chang’s and Good Girls in “Yeah, I Know What a Point Spread Is” (Sweet Valley High #51, Against the Odds).

This week, in honor of Halloween, we have an especially spooky text full of fake ghosts, threatened imprisonment, and terrifying late night calls to the morgue! As Nicholas Morrow falls for beautiful, young Barbara, he begins to worry that things aren’t adding up: she can’t leave the grounds of Bayview House, no one can know that they’re together, and she dresses like someone out of another time. Is she real, or just a hot ghost? Meanwhile, Liz and Jess are investigating a sketchy mayoral candidate and a confusing artist colony, and as their stories seem to overlap, we begin to worry that hot young Barbara may be embroiled in a plot that makes absolutely no sense, but could threaten her (and her little dog, too). Join us for a spooky and spectacularly hard to follow episode in “We don’t kill ghosts. It’s not appropriate” (Sweet Valley High Super Thriller #3, No Place to Hide).

This week, we are overjoyed to be joined in a totally non-tokenizing way by artist, musician, and the specialist of guests Elliot Caroll on the momentous occasion of our 50th BOOK! (Not episode! Book!) We discuss the shame of public dancing, Chinese proverbs, and the ontological status of midlife crises in “The Way of the Bamboo” (Sweet Valley High #50, Out of Reach).

This week, we have a return to form involving fashion show sabotage, a twin identity switch, and Jessica using all of her charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to vanquish a rival, get the guy, and secure a highly coveted brand partnership, all in one night. Along the way, we digress into birding, Koko the gorilla, and nuclear war—you know, how terrible it would be if there was one. Put on your housecoat, grab some cold spaghetti, and join us for “The Pacific Really Makes You Think” (Sweet Valley High #49, Playing for Keeps).

Somebody call the doctor! Everyone in Sweet Valley (including Robert and Pardo) have a chronic case of Slam Book Fever! It’s positively diagnosable at this point, as the whole junior class is in a tizzy over who gets voted Biggest Flirt, Perfect Couple, and Most Likely to Always Be a Millionaire! Join us as we talk about our own harrowing experiences with senior superlatives, Lauren Conrad’s cultural criticism, and, of course, slam books as performative texts, in “Reddest Head” (Sweet Valley High #48, Slam Book Fever).

This week, we have a love triangle nobody cares about in the A plot. Thankfully, the B plot involves Jess flexing her comedic chops and evolving into a character actress in addition to a leading lady. Join us for a discussion of fraternity hazing, Oreos, and the trope of the secretly sensitive asshole, in “Assaultmaker” (Sweet Valley High #47, Troublemaker).

This week, Pardo is sick with a cold, and Liz is sick with an unquenchable lust for her new dirty habit. While her friend Robin Wilson is asking the big questions (Should I go to Sarah Lawrence, which 40 years from now will be the site of a notorious sex cult that will be documented in a gripping Hulu limited series???), Liz shamefully hides in Jessica’s room, doing something positively blasphemous. Join us for a discussion of rich aunts, tough decisions, and sex cults in “A Powerful Allegory about Jerking Off” (Sweet Valley High #46, Decisions).