The Weight of Stillness Podcast

Today’s podcast is going to be a little bit different. I’m pretty nerouvs about it, if I”m being honest. An honesty is something I promise here so…I just started writing poetry again after 30 years. Learning about free verse—where it doesn’t all have to rhyme—was a welcome relief. I didn’t know there were so many kinds of poetry. Here’s my extensive knowledge of the different types of poetry:* Rhyming (likely not the offical name?)* Haiku (I just started writing these just for fun about random nonsense)* Tanka (similar to Haiku—I’ve only written one)Free verse (if there’s a full definition and I’ve been doing it wrong, just let me live in my bubble where I make up the rules, okay?)When Mandy Morris posted about Erasure Poetry I was instantly curious. And since 2026 is the year of trying new things, I began my research. I’ll let you decide if it is…anything…I tried!This is the text I worked off of. It is from one of my favorite scenes in The Chosen. It is an exchange between Jesus and Little James, about the limp he carries, and the pain he lives with daily.Jesus: In the Father’s will, I could heal you right now and you’d have a good story to tell, yes?Little James: Yes, that you do miracles.Jesus: And that’s a good story. But there are already dozens who can tell that story. And there will be hundreds more, even thousands. But think of the story you have, especially in this journey to come, if I don’t heal you. To know how to proclaim that you still praise God, in spite of this. To know how to focus on all that matters so much more than the body, to show people that you can be patient with your suffering here on earth, because you know you’ll spend eternity with no suffering. Not everyone can understand that. How many people do you think the Father and I trust this with, hmm? Not many.Little James: But the others, they’re so much more...Jesus: So much more what?Little James: I don’t know. Stronger? Better at this?Jesus: James, I love you but I don’t want to hear that ever again.Little James: I know how easy it is to say the song of David, that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, but it doesn’t make this any easier. And in this group, it doesn’t make me feel like any less of a burden.Jesus: A burden? First of all, it is far easier to deal with your slow walking than it is to deal with Simon’s temper. Are you fast? Do you look impressive when you walk? Maybe not. But these are things the Father doesn’t care about. You are going to do more for me than most people ever dream. So many people need healing in order to believe in me, or they need healing because their hearts are so sick. That doesn’t apply to you and many are healed or not healed because the Father in Heaven has a plan for them, which may be a mystery. And we remember what Job said. “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.”Jesus and Little James together: Blessed be the name of the Lord.Jesus: When you pass from this earth and you meet your Father in Heaven, Isaiah promises that you will leap like a deer. Your reward will be great. So hold on a little longer and when you discover yourself finding true strength because of your weakness, and when you do great things in my name, in spite of this, the impact will last for generations. Do you understand?Little James: Yes. Thank you, Master.Jesus: A man like you, healing others, oh, what a sight!So from that, based on my research, you kind of “black out” the words you don’t want, leaving a free-standing thought or idea, and it becomes and Erasure Poem. I’m open to thoughts, but I am sensitive, so maybe sandwich any criticism with something nice, alright?JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

When I started this podcast on Substack, I began with reading through an old blog post about Maui, from the movie Moana. Over the course of several weeks back in 2022, I watched the movie Moana on repeat. Over and over again. There was something rising up in me, and I couldn’t contain it. I had to watch. I had to take it in. And I had to write. And write. And write. And write.What came from that intense pouring out of everything in my brain that had anything to do with the movie and finding your purpose was ten different, very long, blog posts. Each post looked at a different character and showed how we are like that chacracter, or how we can find hope and inspiration in their story.So today, we’re going back to the beginning of that journey into Moana and how God tore my heart wide open and showed me things you wouldn’t think possible through a simple Disney film. I hope that as you listen, you can hear God speaking something new to your heart.Thanks for listening!Jamie The Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

One Friday night, I found myself in a place I think some of you can relate to: exhausted, hurt, and sobbing alone on my living room floor. In the aftermath of a long week and a hard conversation with my husband, Kris, I sat with the weight of my own faults. Specifically, that sharp, sarcastic tone that tends to slip out when I’m drained. Or hot—but that’s a story for another day. As I sat there, I realized that these messy moments of marital discord are very real battlegrounds. A real battle was being waged for our marriage and for our very souls.In this episode, I’m getting a little nerdy and diving deep into two of my favorite scenes from The Wheel of Time and The Lord of the Rings. We’re talking about Lan Mandragoran’s defiant final stand and Arwen’s fierce protection of Frodo at the Ford of Bruinen. More importantly, we’re talking about how Jesus stands in the gap for us when we are too weak to fight for ourselves. And I’ll be honest here. I usually hate books and movies that have battles in them, and that’s putting it mildly. I also detest car/chase scenes, because what are those if not battles at high speed? But I digress…Outside of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which I only read once way back in the late 80s, I also grew up thinking I hated fantasy. So I avoided any thought of the genre. Like the plague.On purpose.But something happened in 2001 that shifted my thinking and opened my eyes up to the fantasy genre. It was the release of a small, barely known movie called The Fellowship of the Ring. Barely minutes into the film that I only begrudgingly went to see because I wanted to make my Tolkien-loving husband happy, I realized that I was about to be swept away into an adventure that would continue to speak to my life for decades.After watching those movies, I listened to the books. I never could understand why Tolkien spent so much time describing a tree, but not all writers think and write the same. I simply don’t care for all those details. And yet, I can go on and on and on, if it is a topic I feel passionately about. So perhaps I have been unfair to Tolkien. Perhaps my writing style is a lot closer to his, at the very least, in terms of length!It was a slippery slope after that, and my life was once again turned upside down when I began to listen to The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan. I could literally write for days about some of the profound truths contained in them. Somehow, after that, I heard about Brandon Sanderson. That put my husband and me both on a path to gorging ourselves on everything he had to offer. And boy was it a lot! We started with Mistborn, and when we learned that he would be completing Jordan’s books after his death, we were ecstatic. And while I am not talking about it today, Sanderson’s The Stormlight Archive…well, I would spend even more time on that, if we all had that kind of time. But alas, that is a post (or 100) for another day.If you’ve ever felt like the enemy was closing in on your peace, your marriage, or your mind, this one is for you. We may fall down, but we are still in the fight.JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

I love the movie, The Greatest Showman. In fact, I am watching it for the tenth hundredth time as I write this. But let’s be honest: I don’t really need an excuse to watch this movie. And as long as I am giving out spoilers about my obsession here, I’m also going to have to watch Les Miserables when I am done, because I simply cannot watch one without the other. Because…Hugh Jackman excellent musicals, amiright?In today's episode, I'm sharing why a specific scene in a bar, where PT is surrounded by ashes and misfits moves me to tears. This movie became a mirror for my own life. We're talking about the From Now On moment: when the circus tent burns down, the cheering stops, and you finally remember who you actually are.JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

I finally kept at it, and it eventually came out. I wiped it down then put it back in. Same problem. It said no.Holy Saturday is the day of the In-Between. It’s the silence between the death and the life. For me, it will always remind me of a season where my heart responded with “CD NO,” stubbornly resisting the very music that was trying to heal me.Today on the podcast, I’m doing a re-read of a letter from the middle of my own Undoing in 2012. It’s the story of the week my spiritual life fell apart, in all the best ways, and the God who refused to stop pulling at my walls.If you’re struggling or in a season of wandering, I pray that God finds you between the altar and the door.JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

February 11, 2012, wasn’t the end of the struggle. It was just the night the light was turned on. What followed was a flurry of blurred lines, a packed bag, and a driveway conversation that still echoes in my mind.I left my home on a Wednesday night to find myself, but all I found was a deeper sense of being trapped. I was caught between a husband who was suddenly and inexplicably pursuing me with a romance I didn’t recognize, and an affair that had become my only source of safety for seven years.⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING & SENSITIVE CONTENT: This episode is the rawest I have ever been. It includes discussions of suicidal ideation, the gritty details of leaving a marriage, and strong language that reflects the self-hatred I felt in that moment. I use the specific names the enemy called me because I refuse to clean up a story that God had to get His hands dirty to save.Today’s Real Talk covers:* Sitting for two hours in the tension between I love you and I want to leave you.* The dark thoughts of ending it all because I felt like a “f***ed up mess.”* Why walking away from an affair feels like a death, and why I demanded space to mourn a sin.* Going home to a man I didn’t love because I saw a glimmer of a hope I couldn’t explain.If you are currently standing in your driveway, wondering if you can ever go back, or if you can ever be clean again, this is for you. I was broken beyond repair, but as it turns out, the Ugly Truth is exactly where the new story begins.JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry. There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministry God is birthing out of my journey, you can become a paid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

In Part 1, I talked about the disconnect between my head and my heart and the wound that never quite healed. I used to wrestle with sharing what comes next, but I’ve realized that I can’t be who God has called me to be without acknowledging who I was.For seven and a half years, I lived in the dark.I was a Christian in name, but a wanderer in my heart. I lived a double life of infidelity while my husband Kris struggled with a return to pornography. We were both sinning, both hurting, and both hiding. ***Note: Please listen with care. In this session, I am getting very real and very vulnerable about infidelity, pornography, and the brutal reality of a marriage in shambles. If you aren’t in a place to hold this story today, please wait until you feel grounded.Today’s Real Talk is about:* Why we choose to stay in the shadows of sin because it feels safe.* The lie that some sins are worse than others, and how that keeps us in bondage to shame.* The night the light broke through, and why my first response wasn’t repentance, but a callous “Well, there it is.”We are all sinners. We all have muddy ruts in our brains and wounds in our souls.If you are currently hiding in the dark, I want you to know that I know the light is terrifying, but it’s the only place where you can finally breathe. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. You just have to be real.JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministryGod is birthing out of my journey, you can become apaid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

Because we can’t talk about the healing until we’re honest about the hurt.When I started The Weight of Stillness, I knew I would fully lay myself bare. For the last fourteen years, I have tried to live openly and authentically. In doing so, God has grown me, used me, and taught me what it means to see other people. To look past the “sins” Christians can be so quick to point out. To not start with where a person went wrong. God stripped me bare to show me what he could do with a life that lived honestly and out loud. And perhaps God’s timing is just perfect in this. I already had this podcast scheduled. But every post for next week was scrapped entirely, or rewritten from a place of deeper authenticity. Purer and more open than I have been. So it just makes sense in a fingerprints of God kind of way that this particular part of my story falls at the end of a week of awakening. Next week I’m setting the rules aside. I’ll kick it off today though, showing what I think it means to live out loud and to embrace the pain and the testimony God has given you.I dive deep into a pig pen of my own making, gut-wrenching pain, and the utter mess I had made of my life and marriage leading up to 2012.Note: In today’s episode, I am sharing the rawest part of my marriage story, including a marriage filled with infidelity and pornography. I’m reading a piece of my heart today…the reality of the Ugly Truth and what it feels like when your life and your nervous system seem to break at the same time.If you are in the middle of a struggle, a relapse, or a season of deep betrayal, this is for you. This isn’t a how-to session. This is just me, sitting in the mud with you, telling you that I see how hard you are fighting.Today I am opening my old blog archives from Loving When It Hurts and reading my account of my affair, my husband’s struggle with addiction, and the toxic cycle that nearly destroyed us. No editing a single word and without having previewed it first.Why am I doing this? Because the woman I am today in 2026 needs to hear what the woman in 2012 had to say. And maybe you do too.In this episode I share:* How I went from judging others to becoming the person I said I’d never be.* Why adultery comes silently, and can become a slippery slope vs. a cliff you jump from.* How we traded secrets and shame for twelve years.* The night the secret hit the light, and the unexpected way Kris responded.I was petrified. My first instinct was to flee. To run away. But I felt like I owed it to him to go home and face what I had done.A Note on the Audio: Because this is a blind read, you’ll hear me pause. You’ll hear me react to my own history. You might even hear me stumble over things I haven’t thought about in 14 years. This is raw, it’s messy, and it’s the truth.This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on the Ugly Truth in my story. Join me every Saturday for the next two weeks as we walk through the rest of it together.The Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministryGod is birthing out of my journey, you can become apaid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

In 2012, Kris and I stood outside a marriage counselor’s office, staring at a verse on the wall about rebuilding what had been devastated. Though we bore witness to God restoring what the locusts have eaten, ten years later, in 2022, we found ourselves lost in the woods again.I was exhausted from twenty years of chronic pain, and in my loneliness, I let my brain take some old, muddy ruts. Kris had his own relapse after eight years of sobriety. Suddenly, we weren’t the success story on the wall anymore. I felt like we had been evicted from the “found” category.This is why the story of Mary Magdalene in The Chosen hits so close to home.In this episode, we’re looking at the scene where Mary slips up and heads back to the tavern. She thinks she’s “Lilith” again. But as we dive into the science of neuroplasticity, we see a different truth:A relapse isn’t a moral failure; it’s a biological habit.Our brains wear deep ruts that we can call the Pain Path. When we’re tired or scared, we step into those ruts because they are familiar, not because we are broken.In today’s episode:* The 2022 Woods: The raw truth about our “double relapse” and what it taught us about grace.* The Science of the Rut: How your brain’s “grassy field” works and how to start walking a Safety Path.* The Gaze of Jesus: Why the Great Physician doesn’t require perfection—only that we look at Him.If you’ve ever felt like you failed your way out of God’s grace, or if your chronic pain feels like a “relapse” of your spirit, this one is for you.The Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministryGod is birthing out of my journey, you can become apaid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

Earlier this week, I shared about the “Pillowcase”—that heavy, invisible weight we carry—and the incredible moment where prayer shifted my physical pain instantly. But what happens when the “danger” starts to creep back into your shoulders a day later?Today, I’m getting raw about the “Anxiety Hangover.”I recorded this just two days after a major panic attack because I wanted to talk to you while I was still “in it.” When the crisis ends, we often expect to feel immediate relief, but instead, we feel crushed. We feel exhausted, our stomachs are in knots, and our muscles ache like we’ve run a marathon.In this Vault session, we’re breaking down the science of the aftermath:* The “Body Brace”: Why your shoulders and neck feel like lead today (it’s the physical cost of your body trying to be your hero).* The Gut-Brain Axis: Why your digestion is the first thing to react when your brain broadcasts a danger signal.* Amygdala “Warmth”: Why you feel emotionally raw and sensitive to light and noise even after the “threat” is gone.* The Chemical Smoke: Why these symptoms aren’t a new crisis, but simply the smoke left over after the fire has been put out.The Practice: We aren’t broken; we are just in recovery. Today, the work isn’t about “fixing” the exhaustion—it’s about leaning into it with curiosity. It’s about telling our nervous systems: I see you. I’m safe now. You can let the hands hang limp.If your body is screaming today after a hard week, this session is your permission to stop apologizing for being tired.The Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministryGod is birthing out of my journey, you can become apaid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

“He who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” — James 4:17In 2012, I was a woman running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I was living a double life, tucked away under the “shadow of the steeple,” terrified that if the light ever hit my secret, I would disintegrate.But God has a way of sending invitations we can’t ignore. For me, it was a song on the radio that I hadn’t heard in seven years. It was a song that forced me to look at my “scarlet letter” and realize that the only way out was through the truth.In this episode of The Screening Room, I’m reading the very first blog post I ever wrote about my affair. This wasn’t the “polished” version I’ve told in small groups or the women’s prison in Vandalia since. This was the raw, trembling “Day 1” where I decided to stop being a lofty person and start becoming a healed person.In this audio reflection:* The moment I realized “The Brace” of my secret was killing me.* Why James 4:17 became the scariest verse in the Bible to me.* The “Seven Year” God-wink that brought me home.* Why the “Ugly Truth” is better than a beautiful lie.* An invitation for anyone currently running to finally stop and be seen.This is the prologue to my Undoing. If you are carrying a secret today, I hope my 2012 self can give you the courage to step into the light.I’m breathing through this with you. See you in the stillness,JamieThe Weight of Stillness is a reader-supported ministry.There will never be a paywall blocking you from fullaccess to what God is teaching me as I embracestillness. But if you are led to donate to this ministryGod is birthing out of my journey, you can become apaid subscriber. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe

“It’s called wayfinding, princess. And it’s not just sails and knots... it’s seeing where you’re going in your mind... knowing where you are... by knowing where you’ve been.”I spent a long time trying to be a hero. I thought if I could just “do” enough good, I could cover up the parts of me that felt unwanted or broken. I was carrying a “hook” that I thought defined me, much like Maui does in Moana.In this episode of The Screening Room, I’m going back to the archives. I’m reading a raw blog post I wrote years ago—before I “cleaned it up” for a devotional. It’s a little messy, a little vulnerable, and it gets honest about the times I’ve been the villain in someone else’s story.In the last year, I did something I never thought I’d do: I got my first tattoo (at the age of 46). Then I got six more. Each of the seven is a physical marker of a deep, personal truth I’ve wrestled with during my life. While I was recording this, I couldn't help but think about Maui’s markings—how he didn't just tattoo his wins, but his wounds, too. My skin is starting to tell my story, and I’m finally okay with that.In this audio reflection:* Why we use “doing” as a mask for our pain.* The tattoos we carry (the stories our bodies tell).* Why the “Undo” requires us to stay in the boat when we want to run.* A reminder that you are someone worthy of being saved.Pull up a chair, leave the “fine” mask at the door, and join me in the stillness.P.S. If you saw my post yesterday with my new 'Stillness' tattoo, a friend joked that Maui might have been my subconscious inspiration. After listening to this, I think they might be right. We all carry our stories on our skin one way or another.I'm breathing through this with you. See you in the stillness,Jamie**If Maui’s story resonated with you or if you just love Moana and want to go deeper, you can find my short devotional exploring all of the characters in Moana here on Amazon. Get full access to The Weight of Stillness at weightofstillness.substack.com/subscribe