171 - How to Cope with Anxiety

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a young gal who wasseeking advice on “How to cope with anxiety.”  And I thought my answer might be beneficial for you too. In this episode, I’m going to share her message and my response. Bear in mind that I changed her identity for privacy.Hi, I’m writing to you because I’m seeking advice on how to cope with anxiety.My name is Paprika, I’m in my 30s, married with a 9-year-old daughter, and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I’m not happy with my life as it seems that no matter what I do, it’s never right. I’m super anxious when I’m at work, especially around my boss, who owns the company. Every time I see him, I dread he’s going to fire me.The other day, I made a mistake and invoiced the wrong amount to a client, and my boss yielded to me in front of everybody else.  I was so embarrassed.  He said: “For the price I pay you, that’s all you do make mistakes! I’m starting to wonder why you are on my payroll.”  The thing is, my boss is known to flare up at the slightest bad news. I’m not singled out in his treatment; he talks to everyone else the same way, but I don’t like how I feel when it happens.  The morale is low; everybody walks on eggshells.  The work in itself is OK, and I get along fine with my co-workers.  But it seems the more I dread, the more mistakes I make.  Please don’t tell me to quit my job because I need the money to pay my bills.  When I come home, I feel so tired, which makes me clumsy and forgetful. Again, my spouse yells at me every time I make a mistake.  They are silly mistakes, like the other day, I forgot to pay one bill on time. Another time, I burned the dinner by accident.  Whenever my spouse finds out, I made a mistake, he screams and calls me names, which I don’t like when he does that, especially in front of our daughter.The thing is that he is right; I’m forgetful and don’t pay attention.  For the life of me, I seem not to know how to do anything right anymore.Last night, I lay awake in my bed, and I started questioning my own existence.  I realized that Idon’t like myself. I’m overweight, constantly tired, and absolutely unhappy.  My anxiety is stopping me from doing anything fun. I don’t go anywhere except to work and do the groceries. I’m now wondering, am I on this earth to be yelled at left and right?  I know you talk a lot about choices in your podcasts, but I wonder, what choices do I have?  To leave my job and my spouse?  We are already struggling financially as a couple, so the idea of being on my own frightens me to no end. The one thing that keeps me going is my daughter.  Any insights that can help me cope with the situation I’m in would be greatlyappreciated.  Thank you!_________________Dear Paprika,First, I want to commend you for acknowledging that something is not right in your life. It’s easy to pretend all is well.  The fact that you are reaching out for support is a huge step towards taking responsibility for your own happiness.  I congratulate you on that!There are many things you can do to shift the energy around without leaving your job and your spouse. Now, before I go into the detail, only you can tell if your spouse’s shortcomings are caused by his own stress, which sometimes happens when money is tight. Or is he crossing the line and fall into the mental abuse category?  If you are dealing with spousal abuse, I will encourage you to seek further help as this is not my arena of expertise.When reading your letter, the first thing that comes to mind is that what’s happening at home and work are linked to the same root cause.  I would invite you to readjust your healthy boundaries.  Sometimes we are taught to be tolerant with others until it takes a toll on our health. From what you’ve written, the anxiety you are experiencing is the body’s way to tell you something is not in alignment. Before anyone can respect you, you’ve got to respect yourself.  And that starts with healthy boundaries. You know in your heart what is acceptable and what is not. Tolerating what is not will take a toll on your mental health as well as your physical body. Often, especially when we are in it, we don’t realize we accept and take personally other people’s shortcomings.  Of course, I’m aware that it’s easier said than done.  One of the ways you could respond, especially to your spouse, would be to simply look at him with a smile and say: “Well, thank you for sharing your opinion.” But then be firm. Make yourself understood that you do not need to hear any more on the subject. If he keeps going on at you, be firm and stop him: “Honey, Thank you! Enough. Stop!If you dread even asking your spouse to stop, I would invite you to ask deep questions about why you let others speak to you in a way that hurts your feelings. Then pen the answers down in a personal journal.  Go deep and as far as you can in your childhood.  See if you are repeating the same dynamic as your parents.  Or ask when did it all start?  What would you like instead?  Sometimes, because we live with disempowering behaviors for so long, we take dysfunction as being normal. The fact that your body is sending stressed signals tells you that something is not normal.  Here is another suggestion that applies to your spouse. Pick a moment when the two of you are alone and share the stressful situation you are in at work and ask for his support. Explain that when you come home, you are exhausted from work and that it hurts your feeling when he goes on and on about your mistakes. Also, if you are tired after work and, let’s say 90% of the time, you are the one who cooks. Delegate the task for your spouse to cook.  A well-balanced couple means both should shares responsibilities. “Hey, Honey, can you take care of dinner tonight? I’m exhausted. Or, hey Honey, how about we make dinner together?Your spouse may not realize that he’s “hard on you emotionally.”Some people feel that they are doing you a favor by critiquing your doings. It could be their “love language” when they were a child. Remember that many of us have been conditioned, from childhood, to fear making mistakes.  Some may have been brutally punished when they made a mistake while they were small.As we grow up, some of us will realize that making mistakes is part of living, while others, they fear it, is actually visceral.  For them, the fear is so great; all they do is focus on everybody else’s mistake. They do that as a coping mechanism judging themselves by feeling better when someone does worse in their mind.  If this is the case with your spouse, you’ve got to give back to him what belongs to him.  What I’m saying here is that you’ve got to create healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings but your own.  Nor do you deserve to be punished every time something happens that didn’t turn out the way it was expected.When we care, we may internalize other people’s feelings, body language, or their shortcomings to our detriment.  The trouble is that we can’t control others.  In doing so, it leads to anxiety.  Remember that anxiety, although unpleasant, is a form of communication. Your body is telling you that what is happening around you is not suitable for you.Anxiety is fear in disguise. As you worry, your mind keeps dwelling on worst-case scenarios.  These thoughts put you in a never-ending cycle of painful emotions, which prevents you from focusing on the good things you do or the good things you could be doing instead. Since what you focus on expands, fretting over future mistakes puts your mind out of control.  Nobody can think straight when out of control, hence why you are experiencing more mistakes or become forgetful as the day goes by.It takes effort to cope with life’s demands.  And effort takes energy.  When most of your energy is spent on worry, you no longer have any capacity to deal with any important matter at hand.  Therefore, it is no wonder why you feel overwhelmed and exhausted.  On top of not having the energy to exercise, in a state of stress, you might be more inclined to eat not-so-healthy “comfort food,” which over time may add to your excess weight.We need the energy to live, think, and do things.  Every living thing carries within itself energy.  How the energy is used creates different chemical reactions.  We are all intertwined in the same ecosystem of energy exchange and chemical reactions.  Anxiety, fear as well as love release in your body different kinds of chemical reactions.Think for a moment. How do you feel when your daughter shares with you a picture she draws of both of you playing at the park? You feel warm and fuzzy inside.  Her actions fill your heart with something that feels wonderful. That feeling is love.  On the opposite end, how do you feel when your boss speaks unkindly to you or one of your co-workers?  Suddenly, the mood seems to congeal because negative energy lowers the energy vibration. That’s why we say the atmosphere turned icy.From these two examples, you can tell that energy can either be negative or positive, depending on what is done and how you take it.  I’m sharing these details because it’s important to understand that although invisible to the naked eye, the energy we carry has a way to impregnates itself on other people. One negative person has the power to...