Called to Something Deeper...

Have you ever known what you were put on this earth to do, but hesitant about stepping fully into that calling? This is my story…I have known for a long time that I was called to be in service to women. Far different from offering a service - I have been called to be a catalyst and support for women’s self-realization. But that knowing was clouded for many many years. Bad marriage, financial struggle, fear of stepping out there…it all became roadblocks to my own self-realization.For the last 5 years or so, I thought I had found the pathway to fulfill my purpose. A place and a means to do exactly what I know I have been called to do - be in service to women. Initially, things were great! I was overjoyed, felt filled up, and was comfortable knowing that my work was well received and beneficial to those who I had the pleasure to meet and support along the way. But in 2024, something changed. A drastic shift happened.The abundant joy in the work I was doing kept flowing, so I kept doing the work I was called to do. The women that I had the joy of sharing space with still greatly appreciated my presence. What changed was the way in which I was doing the work. It became excruciatingly chaotic. What once was joy-filled became a space that focused on churning out the work rather than loving on the women. This wasn’t a change I instituted or welcomed; rather, it was a change that happened in the circumstances that I found myself in.But as we do, I pushed through. I put up with things I should never have. I stayed silent to keep the peace. Each time I opened up in love, I was met with shame, blame, and put downs. Control tactics. Keep her in her place - head down, nose to the grindstone, doing the work without question or comment. Don’t allow her to think for herself. Don’t allow her to see what she brings to the table. Don’t allow her to realize how good she really is…In 2025, things got even more chaotic and gnarly. Rather than being celebrated for my efforts, I was merely tolerated because of the skills and knowledge and wisdom and understanding that are part and parcel of my being. Then fear came. Not me being fearful - others being fearful of my power. There was a silent competition going on with me, one that I wasn’t even participating in. As the year wore on, this competition became more fierce, more intense. Things were done to sabotage my work - to ensure that the stats would yield a lower response. When it really got competitive, old man unconscious bias reared its ugly head. The passion in me that used to be celebrated turned into “you’re scary”, “you’re mad”, “you are angry for no reason”… Really? The usual plays from the playbook “The Stereotypes of the Black Woman.” Blame came for things I didn’t do, things that were acknowledged that others had done. But when they couldn’t blame me directly, they resorted to “Well, that person is on your team, so it’s your team. So there.” I’m not kidding you. They really went there…I started seeing where others were given grace and spaciousness where I was not. Where others could be ill and spend a day in bed recovering from the common cold, but I was being hunted down to get things done while in the hospital for a heart event (for relevance, I’ve had 8 strokes and a heart attack so I don’t play when there’s a heart issue with me - straight to the hospital I go!). How programs that I or other women of color brought to the table were scrutinized under the Hubble Telescope, but our white counterparts’ programs were given the green light without a second glance. Yet again, I stuck and stayed. As a Black woman, I am unfortunately all too used to “background noise”. My eye was on the prize: serving the women who were there for connection, witness, and sisterhood. Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back. That was when I was verbally assaulted for 20 minutes by someone screaming at the top of their lungs. I have the proof “on tape” - I recorded it because as a Black woman I need to protect my reputation.So, let’s see…I’m angry and scary when I speak passionately about something, but someone literally screaming for 20 minutes is A-OK… Not!That was the moment I broke. Emotionally - but not as in crying. I broke the cycle of playing small and dimming my light so that others’ light could shine more brightly. That precise moment I said “F**k this!” and stepped out to fully embrace MY SELF. A week later, I had some spiritual work done by my priest. Two weeks after that, I stepped fully into the spiritual tradition that had been calling me for more than a decade. Simultaneously, I was building the vehicle that would allow me to reach out to the women I desired to be in service to. Fear morphed from “face everything and run” to “Face Everything And Rise!” I completely let go of my hesitancy to step out into my own power. I reached out to one of my sahwira sisters and discussed collaboration. We met several times and dreamed into what we wanted to manifest. Other commitments have caused her to take a step back in this moment, but I am not deterred. I am moving full steam ahead!2025 is the Year of the Snake, a time for shedding old skins. This year was meant to release all that no longer serves you. 2026 is the Year of the Horse, a year for passion, freedom, and energy. The year’s element is fire - and I’m a fire sign (Leo) - adding intensity and drive to the horse’s natural traits. The horse represents vitality and success in the Chinese culture - where the new year’s zodiac meaning comes from. I am deeply grateful to the Chinese culture for sharing their wisdom and the way they honor each year with the world and allowing me to also honor the year in this way.Spiritually speaking, some times Spirit needs to give you a swift kick in the ass to help you to not only realize, but take action on your true calling. Some times you need to get angry in order to overcome. People suddenly get remarkable strength when their lives or the lives of those they love are at stake. I now have the strength - the courage - I need to take this leap into 2026 on my own terms. I will no longer be the punching bag for other people’s drama and endure things no one should ever have to endure just to do the work I want to do in the world.Now is my time to freely share my gifts, my way - minus the chaos and turmoil and nonsense. I am stepping fully into my destiny, no longer being hesitant. I am certain that this is what I have been called to do. And now I’m doing it! 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