Ep #128: Confusion to Clarity

Little did I know that my initial breakdown/breakthrough would last almost 4 years before I began making sense of things and feeling put back together. The interesting thing though is that it really feels as if I’m putting pieces of myself together but not using any of the old pieces.    Like putting a puzzle together that is completely blank. Every piece is just pure white, nothing on it, not even a spec of color.     Putting the pieces together gives me a sense of wholeness and a feeling of pure potentiality. You would think I’m describing emptiness, but really it’s such an exciting process to put this blank canvas together, because now I’m ready to create a masterpiece. With new shapes and colors I’ve never used before.    I never realized that contribution is what gives us purpose. I really had to question my intensions over the years. In the beginning of my blogging endeavors. I think deep down I knew it wasn’t coming from a pure desire to contribute. It was tainted by my insecurities and need to prove myself. So I carried subtle shame and always felt defensive about my intentions behind it all.   The clarity I have now is unreal. It reminds me of when I first got to Germany where I served my 18 month Mormon mission.    Before I got to Germany I spent 2 months intensively learning and studying the language. On the plane ride to Germany I remember how confident I felt in my ability to communicate in German.   I was quickly humbled and discovered I hadn’t even scratched the surface. I didn’t understand a WORD of German. I remember thinking, there is no way I will ever be able to understand or speak this language. I couldn’t make sense of any of it.   And one day (a year later) I realized I understood it all perfectly. It was a gradual process but eventually the impossible became possible.    This is how I would compare my spiritual growth over the past couple of years. I’ve been rereading some of the books that were way over my head the first time, felt like I was reading another language. But now I’m understanding them so clearly. It’s all making perfect sense and it’s such a cool realization.    Serves as a reminder for me to keep trying, keep learning, teaching, writing, sharing, and coaching. THIS is my path and my purpose.