Mud Eye

Miles wears the wrong shoes to the Ren Faire and deals with ye olde mud while Bob eats Indian food for the first time and gets a stye in his eye. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://youtube.com/live/mNPe1CnQsK8 Static Radio – Mud Eye Miles wears the wrong shoes to the Ren Faire and deals with ye olde mud while Bob eats Indian food for the first time and gets a stye in his eye. Mud Eye Bad AI Transcript How’s Cape Girardeau? Hey, Miles, how’s it going? How’s it going? Didn’t know anybody was here. I didn’t know I was podcasting. going everybody’s bob hey how’s it going this is miles fun house have a hot dog sorry i was late. I was listening to my new favorite band on tick tock demon so okay i told him i’d give him a shout out today so yeah oh really did they say, would you please or i didn’t get really get a chance to see what they said about that, so i don’t know. okay i I don’t think they’d be that impressed. Well, there’s five more people. Thank you. Thank you. So Demon Pussy, check them out. Whenever you said that, I was thinking, oh, that’s what he calls his private parts. Yeah, sometimes. No, I was thinking of college radio when I heard this. I’m like, wow. No, really? You guys think about that group Bongwater a little bit? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Bongwater. Yeah, I mean, the girl’s on stage. She’s wearing horns and stuff. I’m like, wow, all right. No, this is all right. This has Miles’ title written all over it. And I don’t care what they say. Is it wrong? Is it so wrong? I would guess that it’s one of those things when you’re young, you’re like, yeah, that sounds pretty good. And then as you get older, you’re like, I don’t know if I want to have anything to do with that. That’s what I say about static radio all the time. I hope… Yeah. I was young and then I got older and I’m like, oh, geez. When I was young and my heart was an open book. Hey, I’ve got a piece of advice for you. What? Oh, no. I know. I said virus. You have a virus. Well, maybe. Let’s hear your advice. Maybe. Maybe. Who’s it from? So, you know, I love to go to lunch. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to lunch with my friends, Dr. J. Yes. And Dr. K. Yes. And I went to have Indian food. First time I’ve ever had Indian food. Yeah. Okay. All right. That’s okay. Then maybe the last time as well. I don’t know. Oh, come on. Yeah. Have you ever had Indian food? I did. I went to a… Private function, and it was exclusively Indian food that was catered in, and it was actually very good. I enjoyed it. Oh, well, yeah. I don’t know. You know, those guys had, I don’t like a lot of sauce. Yeah. And there’s a lot of sauce in Indian food, I think. A lot of biscuits and gravy. Well, I’m just saying there’s a lot of, you know, things covered in wet things, which I’m not a big fan of. Being from Decatur. I should be used to that. I don’t know. It probably has anything to do with the caterer. But anyway, my son prompted me. He goes, Dad, you know, because you’re a weirdo, get the tandoori chicken. You’ll like that. It’s not too bad. It doesn’t have any sauce. You don’t have to put any sauce on it. It’s like sauce on the side. And I’m like, okay. So that’s what I got. It was fine. It was certainly… You know, more than edible, better than some, you know. Yeah, yeah. But I was just like, eh, you know. Yeah, yeah. I didn’t, like, you know, really like it. Now, the funny thing was, we had a conversation, and when I was in Texas, I ate some plantains. You know, I’ve heard of that. I have no idea what that is, but I have heard that name. It’s kind of like a banana. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that’s right, yeah. So, I got this dish… And it was like a garnish, but there are these little plantain chips. Yeah. Delicious. Never had plantains in my life. I love plantains. Now I love plantain, especially the, whatever these things were. Yeah. Anyway, that’s not my advice. Yeah. So while we’re there talking, I’m talking to Dr. K and he’s like, you know, we’re old at lunch and, Everybody’s talking about their difficulties. I love to pee. No, no, but, you know, just all the weird things that are going on, right? So, like, I have a finger that I swear to God is turning around on my hand while I look at it right now. It’s twisting on its own. Yeah. In ways it’s not supposed to. I hurt this finger recently. way back in, like, junior high school. It’s permanently bent because I didn’t have any medical care as a child. I love stories like this. I love them. My son always says this stuff. Like, oh, gosh, my finger is really bothering me. And he’s like, let me look at it. He’s like, why is it all bent? And I go, well, I got it. i got hit with a medicine ball right on my middle finger and it bent and then it’s never straightened out ever since like sixth grade he’s like he’s like because dad, you really, they didn’t, nobody took you to the doctor, did they? Yeah. I had an ear drum explode and all this stuff. Oh God. Once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, And yeah, this finger that I jammed all these years ago, it feels like it’s turning. Like if you take the finger and just twist it the wrong way. Yeah. Yeah. Just during the day, I’ll be like, holy shit, my finger hurts. And I look at it, it looks like it’s twisting. Right. Anyway, that’s not the piece of advice either. The piece of advice is we’re talking about these kind of things. And Dr. K goes, hey, I found out I don’t handle gluten well. Mm-hmm. I go, I’m like, how in the fuck did you find that out? Well, let me tell you. Yeah, he wasn’t too happy when I said it that way. But anyway, I go, how’d you find that out? And he goes, well, I noticed… You laughing about this guy’s poor gluten problem? No, go ahead. I noticed when I ate a lot of bread that I get really phlegmy. I’m like, really? I go, that’s odd. He goes, yeah. So he’s like, I stopped eating bread and last night we had bacon sandwiches and I ate a bunch of bread and Yeah. And then I was all Flemmy again. Yeah. And I go, you know, my friend, miles title is the king is always fucking Flemmy. It’s so annoying. He’s always got this phlegm going on. I know that’s why I can’t go like professional. Cause I’m all a bit gross. And I go, maybe he’s eating too much bread. You know, no one’s ever told me that, but, you know. I mean, you’ve met Dr. K. You know him. I have broken bread with Dr. K, I guess. Yeah, oddly enough. And you guys are both probably fucking phlegmy as hell and grossing each other out. More French bread, Dr. K? On my own, yeah. Oui, oui. Oui, oui, Miles, of course. I wish it was a bacon sandwich, don’t you think? Bacon sandwich. So, but anyway, then Dr. J had to say something about the bacon. But anyway, so. Not the bacon. The bacon. So anyway, I thought I’d pass that along. I was like, oh my gosh. Wouldn’t it be funny if that’s it? And I’m like, yeah. Yeah, would stop eating bread for a week and see if you don’t get all flimsy. Oh, I love bread. Oh, my God. It’s not like forever. I know. Just try it out. I mean, just try it for a few days. Three days. I know, but that’s like a good friend. I love it. It’d be like saying goodbye to a good friend. You’re like, hey, man, we can’t be friends no more. Remember that time that you got called in for a movie and they’re like, it’s American Pie, but it’s with a baguette. You want to be a star, Miles? Anyway. And you’re like, I think it’s more like Olive Garden. All you can eat breadsticks. So, yeah, try not doing the bread and see if it helps you. Oh, boy. This is… I don’t know. Then you’ll know. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. It might be gluten. Might be gluten. Goodbye. It might be gluten. So that’s not even my fucking story. So here’s my story. Oh, Jesus Christ. The Indian food, the bread, that’s still not in the story. Jesus Christ, this guy. Third time’s the charm here. I got, for the first time in my life, I got a stye in my eye. Ooh, that hurts. It did. And I was pissed. I woke up, and my eye was hurting, and I go and look, and my eye’s all red. I’m like, holy shit, I got pink eye. And my wife’s looking at it, and she’s like, I don’t think you got pink. How did you get pink eye? I go, I don’t know. You just put a hot rag on it or something, don’t you, to get rid of it? Well, yes, I did finally do that. But like my whole, it was like I had like half my face was tattooed red by my eye. with like all this inflammation and everything. And my eyelid was all effed up and everything. Yeah. It was just like, it was horrible. I was like, I can’t believe I’ve never, ever had this in my life ever. And then I get this and I’m like, I am angry. I am super angry. This is so, it was annoying. It was painful. I can literally used to be able to just pick up handfuls, Of dirt and rubbed them in my eyes and it wouldn’t even bother me. Right. Now, I’m like a fairy princess. I can’t even handle anything. You’re like 85 now, aren’t you? That’s right. Yeah, close to it. Freaking old. Is that what it is? You get old and you just get sties all of a sudden? I just saved you a $250 trip to the doctor. I didn’t go to the doctor. I looked it up and I did put a hot… thing on my face. Wait, you’re still sticking to your old ways, huh? Yeah, well, I’m like, I haven’t, you know, I haven’t paid a premium yet, so why start now? I’m not going to do it. Yeah, I’m not going now. Screw it. I’ve got a broken finger, you know, eyes on it, who cares? Dad, why do you wear an eyepatch now? Hunchback? Oh, I used to wear it. I used to wear an eyepatch for migraines. I did. I had an eye patch that I used to wear around the house because I had migraines. Are you ready, kids? Yes. That was when my kids were little, too. I was wearing an eye patch all around the house. And in the bedroom sometimes, too. Well, you know, everything’s got multiple uses, you know. I’m feeling a little randy. But anyway, that was my story. I could not believe it. I was so angry about this. I’m like… Why can I just not ever have this? Yeah. Ever. And then I got it. That’s funny. And then my wife, you know, she’s right. She’s like, yeah, I think you got it. I’m like, don’t say, don’t invent new things to be wrong with me because I will just have them then. I don’t need to know if I’m oblivious and everything works out fine. I could have just had pink eye like I was thinking, but no, she had to say stye and then the world manifested a stye in my heart. Right, right. I think you’ve been infected by a tsetse fly. What? Don’t even get into saying anything else. I’m just making up stuff. Ebola. I think that’s Ebola. No, I don’t want to hear about it. Ebola. No. I haven’t traveled out of the country. It’s fine. You have this disease. Yeah, no kidding. Got hand, foot, and mouth. Hand, foot, mouth, or whatever that’s called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some kind of sheep thing. Anyway, I’m feeling better, and I will not be looking at any medical journals or anything anytime soon. Are you going to be okay now? I mean, do we have to worry about you start a prayer circle? If you don’t mind, I know you’re a religious person, so yeah, if you don’t mind throwing me into the mix there, it wouldn’t be bad. I guess I’m more spiritual than religious. I just want to be one of those people. The only reason I really like ghosts is because you can see through things, and I love see-through things, so I love ghosts. And you can upskirt too. Any kind of 90s or anything like that. I love it. You’re a ghost. Yeah. I love things that are see-through and things that rise. Talk about things that are rising. Exactly. What’s going on with you? I got a stupid twisted finger, a stye, and I think you should stop eating bread. Well, I didn’t eat any bread. How’s that? So I didn’t eat any bread, really. But I did go to my first ever Ren Faire. A renaissance fair. You know, you… My first ever. You are the exact body type. Briar tuck? To be at a renaissance fair, yes. I think you should have… Did you cosplay or did you just go in to get a turkey leg? No, I had like a long blonde braided wig on. Fake… No. Rapunzel! No, uh… My son and I were in the minority of people not dressed up. Yes. Yeah. We did the big ears, the furry ears, the whatever else. The steampunk look. You’d look good as a steampunk guy as well. Big freaking glasses on a top hat or whatever the fuck. I don’t know. Actually… You could have just wore your normal wardrobe and said you were a stable boy. Stable boy. Piss bucket boy. Piss bucket. So you have to, the parking and where you need to go are two separate places. Typically, unless it’s a drive-in, they’re always separate. Yeah. Yes. Well, I’ve never been to this, so we had to travel. Typically, at the Ren Faire, they don’t usually have cars in the mix. Oh, I saw plenty of pickup trucks in this thing. Well, no, I mean, like, in the Ren Faire itself, usually it’s all very… Oh, right, yes. I would agree with that, yes. Yeah. And so we went, and, you know, there’s these local guys. They go, hey, where is this at? Oh, you got… You got to take the shuttle bus. Oh, that far away. Oh, wow. Oh, it’s like five miles away. I’m like, oh, shit. We can’t walk. We don’t even want a hint of technology within our Ren Faire. So get on this little bus that’s going to go way too fast on these country roads with all the potholes. I’m like, okay, all right. Wow. Was it like such a big parking lot or what? No, I mean, it was decent. I mean, it wasn’t like, oh, my gosh, I’m, you know. What was your row? Was there pictures? No, it was just like kind of like a ball field that they were parking people in, you know. And I got on the bus. I sat by my son, which I really didn’t have to because there was actually plenty of seats. But yet, like. we’re sandwiched in between like some guy in front of us and some guy like five rows behind us yelling at each other, you know, were you going to the Ren fest too? I’m going by myself. I don’t got no one to go with. I’m like, Oh, I can see why. And then, uh, the other guy’s like, all right, well, I just discovered I got a bunch of brothers and sisters. They’re all bastards. I don’t want to… Why do they just sit by each other? No, they’re just yelling it. When the bus is in motion, you can’t move. It’s like one of those big buses that holds 20 people. We’re going way too fast on these gravel roads. Hold on, good sirs. Our steed is getting away. Is this part of the… And, uh, so, you know, you had to pay to get in and, uh, and so I did that and, uh, we, uh, I immediately like, oh shit, we should have dressed up or something here. I’m like, now here’s the problem is we’ve had torrential rain. Oh, mud. Yeah. Yes. I’m like, oh man, I, this was like Lilith fair or something. I don’t know what it is. Like, this is all good thing. I wore my flip flops. I mean, you know, yeah. Well, that was the problem. Yeah, I wore, like, my worst shoes. These slip-on shoes I have. These, like, $5 shoes my wife bought me. And I go, this was a bad choice. This was a horrible, bad choice. Because I realized, because at first I thought, this place is really small. You know, this little clearing is really small. I go, this is it. This is kind of a waste of money. Yeah. No. It’s like on 4… different fields. Oh, really? Wow. But the problem is you’ve got to go up and down muddy hills that weren’t designed to go up and down like being soaked in mud. I’m going to break my leg. Fat guy. I know. I’m going so slow. My son, luckily, he’s very patient. He’s like, okay, all right. Come on, Dad. You can do it. Oh, my God. I was so afraid. I mean, I was literally afraid. I was almost in fear i’m like oh i’m there oh my God. Right? So, you know. You made it, though, I guess. It’s like almost you start on the first floor, then you go down to the basement, and then you gotta go up a hill so you get back on the first floor again, and you gotta go back in the basement. You know, it’s like. Didn’t they throw hay down or anything? No, no, no. And, like, one part’s, like, railroad ties used as, like, steps. They’re covered with wet leaves. I’m like, oh, this is where I break my leg. This is where I’m going to break my leg. This is just like being back in old England. I know. I’m like, this is what happened to Bob Lament that one day in college. I’m like, shit. Yeah, no kidding. And, you know, it was all this shit. You know, I’m not going to buy any swords or axes. I have no interest in that. You know, I don’t want to buy anything. Cat ears for my wife or anything. That’s okay. Oh, well, you know, well, you got cat ears. Come on. I’m saving a lot of money there. Right. I mean, did you get a Turkey leg? I didn’t, I don’t like dark meat. And so I really just, I didn’t, I ended up getting like some, uh, pretty, pretty made hamburger, uh, but night’s table hamburger, where the fuck it was. Yeah. But it was weird. You know, everyone’s kind of walking around, you know, this and that. You should have got yourself a medieval walker. I know. I know. I go, is there a golf cart around here or something? Maybe. I couldn’t. You could have got a staff. There you go. I don’t know. But halfway through it, I realized, like… that I should have really eaten something today. I really didn’t eat much before I went to this thing. Did you have your pants falling off at all? No, I had some sweatpants on, thank God. Oh, my God. You and the sweatpants. But I almost wiped out right in front of some food cart. People turned and looked at me. They’re like, slow down, son. You’re going to hurt yourself. Oh, my God. So embarrassing. I’m like, oh, Jesus. These ye olde nuggets are so good. Look. It is ye olde nuggets. Look at them. And halfway through it, I’m like, I should have ate because I think my blood sugar is fucked up. Now I’m feeling very light-headed. I’m feeling like, oh, God. I’m feeling very disoriented. I’m like, oh, fuck. Yeah. i’m like, that was your every day i thought i don’t know no i mean this was bad. I’m like, oh, shit. Everything else, now, like, I’m feeling like oh fuck a little nowhere near the car right yeah oh yeah we’re at, like, the fourth level of the kingdom. I’m like, oh, fuck. And, like we had to go back to like the second part to get like some food, you know, like, okay, let me get that right. Where’s the food court at? Yeah. I mean, there was like, on each level there would be like one food truck and like one port-a-potty, you know, and that was, and they’re right next to each other. Yeah. Right. Right. Oh my goodness. And, um, so, you know, I get yield burger and stuff like that. Oh God. How much did that cost? Can I ask? Um, it was actually, it wasn’t that bad actually. I don’t, I think it was like five or six bucks or something, but it was like a, definitely a pre-made Patty, you know, one of those. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was not a big deal, but it’s a cow Patty. And, uh, so i eat that i go i still feel up i gotta get out of here. My son’s like, let’s get out of here, man. We’re we’ve missed all the shows. You know, we’re not gonna see any dueling or yeah you know you want to get up the hill old man. I know. I mean, it’s taking me like three hours to get around this thing i’m like yeah i don’t feel good i don’t feel good man We need to put the mud tires on your hover around there. Oh my God. I was like, all right, we’re going to get back to this fricking shuttle and get the fuck out of here. Like we get there and you got to wait. They had to like two of them that kind of rotated, you know, like, okay. All right. And like all of a sudden, like these big fricking like families show up behind us with a bunch of little kids. I’m like, fuck those kids. I’m going to elbow my way out of this cock sucking bus. And if any kid gets in my way, so help me God, I’m going to elbow his head. Oh my God. Right. Nice. That sounds great. Yeah, I know. I was just like, I’m not feeling good. I got to get out of here. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel good. And then like, so the bus is almost there and there’s like a lady that must’ve worked there. She goes, like, it looks me right in the eye. She goes, so what was your favorite part? i’m like, okay, don’t say it miles. because I’m gonna say, you know, I’m getting on this fucking bus and leaving would be my favorite part of this whole shit show. I’m like, no I’m just gonna and uh so i just like, I really like the ghosts yeah i just i just beeline on this bus. Like, come on, son. Let’s go. Come on. And, like, we sit, like, where the first weirdo was sitting, like, on the way back. The two guys are down at each other. We sit in that seat. I go, it either smells like vomit or dog shit in this seat. I cannot tell. But it stunk. And you didn’t move. No, well, like, a bunch of little kids were getting on and stuff. Like, oh, I’m not sitting in the dog shit seat. I don’t know if it was someone that puked in there or someone tracked in dog shit. I couldn’t, it smelled so bad. I couldn’t tell the difference. I’m like, man, I was like, Ooh, you sure? Wasn’t the driver. Ooh. Yeah. I, well, I don’t know. I don’t know. We’re doing like 70 down a gravel road. Gotta keep moving. I’m like the James Bond movie. Goodness. Oh, my God. It was horrible. Did you make it? I made it. No, I don’t know. Did you jump the drive or did your son drive you after that? No, I went to a store, man. I got to load up on sweets, man. Oh, my. So you piled it on, huh? Yeah. I’m like, fuck, I don’t feel good. And then guess what happened afterwards? Yeah. I had a whiz. Yeah. No, I mean, you feel bad the whole weekend then. No, I know. I know. I overdosed. You overdid it. You swayed one way and you swayed the other way. I’m a swayer. What can I say? No, I don’t know. I’m sure it was fine. For my first one, eh, you know. First one, you already planned. Why did you go in the first place? Whose idea was this? It wasn’t really well advertised, I’ll be honest with you. I mean, I saw the average many months ago, and I thought, well, it’s just kind of weird that they would have it now. But I’m like, okay. Ye olde people of England, come join us. And had we not had this total downpour the night before, maybe it would have been more enjoyable. I don’t know. I’m not a Ren Faire guy. Did you really only go for the women with the low-cut shirts? There wasn’t even that. There’s even that going on, yeah. I thought for sure you’d just be looking for the barmaid, you know, with the long hair tanning out. You know what? I’m getting old. I didn’t even take any pictures. I’m not even committed to this thing to take any pictures at this point. Really? No pictures? Like a younger Miles title would have been like, oh, I got 70 pictures to show you. These are so artful. Look. Nah, it’s like, nah, that’s okay. Look at those. Look at all the breasts at the pavilion. Mm-hmm. And not just on the women. Mm-hmm. I’m looking at a mirror. It’s like, yeah, it’s like a lot of kings here. So you didn’t have a good time. Do you think if you would have not felt bad, you would have had a better time or no? That and just afraid of walking at any part of it. hitting divots, like there’s this, you know, like these are like fields, you know, like you’re hitting divots and, you know, there’s like really no hay spread out, you know. Down goes frasia and i don’t know how the vendors got the hell out of there because, I mean, it had to be a hell of a mess to get out of there. Holy crap. Tractors and whatnot, you know. Yeah. I mean, it was kind of interesting. It was on different levels, I guess, but i don’t know. Was there a pond anywhere? Yeah, there’s a river, actually. I didn’t realize there was a river right behind it. No, I was okay. I would not go back to it, but it was okay. Did it have a name or no? Shite Fair. Shite. Complete shite. Oh, how nice. Yeah. Ye olde shite. Ye olde shite fair. Hmm. I didn’t know how to name things there in Iowa. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/11/02/mud-eye/” title=”Scouser Gates” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/11/02/mud-eye/”