Restaurant Jerk

Miles experiences reality differently than his wife, while Bob goes out to eat in his own section at the restaurant. GAMES, like old-school games, play a few with the Static Radio twist here – https://www.staticradio.com/category/games/ Subscribe Random Show Click Below https://www.youtube.com/live/lz2qqNO-uH8?si=E7TzGCvmIhYnKliq Static Radio – Pharmacy Walk Miles experiences reality differently than his wife, while Bob goes out to eat in his own section at the restaurant. Restaurant Jerk Bad AI Transcript Do, do, do, do, do, do. Who farted? Well, it’s not going to go, so. So we’ll just have to do it manually. Yeah, clear your throat a few more times. And then have a little static noise. And then, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. You got it, guys. Static. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. Hey, Miles with Static Radio here. I’m traveling, and so we’ve got the lesser setup. I have a lesser setup. Miles has the exact same setup. It’s a fart-free podcast, so enjoy yourself. Yeah. What do you mean by that? I was saying, you know, there was some suspect odor, apparently. Yeah. On your end of things there, but apparently that’s when you cleared up or something. Yeah, apparently the ventilation has kicked in, so we’re all good here. We’re all fine here. How are you? Blast them! Conversation was going nowhere. Yeah. So, yeah, welcome, everybody. It’s… October. Can you believe it? Yeah, it is October. It’s that getting the Halloween season now? Yeah. Which is nice. Are you planning your Halloween costume for this year? Maybe, yeah. Are you going to put up your AT-AT in the front yard or your elephant, whatever it is? No, I was going to shave my head, though, and go as Baby New Year. Okay. I think you can pull that off, actually. Get some tighty-whities I was going to wear. Well, possibly some Depends. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Baby New Year. Probably be like… Yeah. Yeah. I got my pumpkins ready to go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You went to the pumpkin patch recently. A few skeletons. I’m ready to go. Oh, good. Yeah. Ready. That’s fantastic. Well, we, uh, my daughter was recently in town and, you know, uh, We don’t get to see her in person that often. And so when she’s in town, we usually take her to wherever she wants to go to eat. And we took her to this wood fireplace. Everything’s wood fired. Oh, sure. You ever been to one of those? I thought I saw it in a magazine once, yeah. I know you don’t get out much. Yeah, I’m not allowed. If it’s not like fast food… I had to be jealous of you. I know. I know. That’s how sad my life is. I know. So we go, we’re, we’re go out to this wood fired place and, uh, you know, it’s nice. It’s a nice place. And, um, you know, we’re, uh, there’s a group of us, several of us. And so, um, they, you know, we’re a little bit early on the early side of dinner, perhaps I like to be early, you know, Oh, wait. Is this the picture you sent me the other day? No, no. That was another place we went to. Oh, my God. Jesus. How much steak can one guy eat in one week? Well, we didn’t know. This was pizza. We had a wood fire pizza. Oh, shit. I thought we were eating steak all week. No, no. I did have a steak. I have a story about that place, but it’s not as funny as this story. So we get seated. everything’s good. We’re kind of in an area. There’s some other people in the, in that, you know, the dining rooms, they got to divide it up into several things. And so we’re, you know, having a good time talking and, and getting our appetite, you know, my daughter is so spoiled. It’s like, we normally, when we go out, we get nothing, right. We just get something to eat barely, you know, bear sustenance. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I’m usually, all I get is the captain’s crackers. Doubtful. Doubtful. Whenever she’s in town, it’s like appetizers and desserts and, you know, third course and all this kind of stuff. Let’s have some appetinis. So we got the appetizers going and everything. And so then more people are showing up because it’s now, it’s going to be, you know, regular dinner time. Yeah. We get drinks. Yeah. Everybody gets drinks. So, So they come in the little area that we’re in and they’re going to sit them at a table, not too far from us, you know, the next table over and the people are like, um, now can we move? Okay. They weren’t, they weren’t being rude or anything. They were just like, no. And they pointed, you know, someplace else in the, in the area. And so then they go away and it was just like a couple. I guess they didn’t want to be over in a corner or whatever. Didn’t think anything of it. And then we get our food. We’re eating. Another group comes in, a bigger group. And they sit at the bigger table on the other side of us. Oh, no. No, no. We want to go over. We want to go over to the other side of the restaurant. So you were farting? No. I was like, And so then my daughter’s like, what is going on? No one wants to sit by you. No one wants to sit by us. Like Charlie Brown’s family up for. Yeah. Pig pen. So then. Yeah. So then another family comes in. No, no. And there are four people. There’s a table. It’s not right next to us. It’s a little ways away. It’s within acceptable Midwestern dining limits. Right, right. This isn’t New York where you sit hip to hip. You know what I mean? Right, right. This is cornfield country where you’re like half a mile away, for Christ’s sake, at the next table. And they’re like, no, we don’t want to sit there. And the guy goes, you have to. he made him sit there. The waiter did. He’s got nothing else. I don’t want to sit next to that big, ugly broad. Oh, that’s a man? Oh, I’m sorry. So yeah, my daughter was like, is there something wrong? What is going on? I’m like, I barely even noticed, to be honest. They told me, and then I’m like, yeah, I guess you’re right. They didn’t want to seem to sit over there, and then they didn’t want to sit, you know. And, yeah, I guess you’re right, you know. I’m oblivious. She’s like, what is wrong? What are you people doing? They were all intimidated with all you guys eating salad, probably. They’re like, oh. Ah. Well, actually, I’m the only one that didn’t eat salad that night. These fancy people eating salad? There was a bunch of salad going on the table. Not for me. But yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know what the deal was. I was not farting. I did not stink. You weren’t telling dirty jokes. We weren’t even talking about saying the F-bomb or anything. Hey, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. My family, yeah. Yeah, none of that. We’re very polite, cordial, nice people. There was other people sitting behind us. They didn’t seem to have a problem. They were having a good old time. Wait, that is the lady who yelled at us on the boat in Germany. I remember her. She told us to get out of the way. Yeah, so I don’t know what was going on, but nobody wanted to sit in that area. And they’ve got it all, you know, like five tables in a section or something. It’s crazy. It’s so sectioned off. But yeah, the last people, they’re like, no. This is it. It’s this or out. We’ve laid down the law. And those people were noisy. They were all hairy and they were eating this wood-fired food being extremely noisy. Yes. Like the fucking Morlocks moved in or something. That’s right. You’re like the Eloy, and they’re like the Morlocks. Yeah, Morlocks. Everybody read Time Machine by H.G. Wells. Yeah, no one will know what the fuck that is. What? One of the few books I’ve read. Yeah, same, same. I’m like, yeah, I don’t know what was going on. Nobody stunk. It was bizarre. And my daughter seemed a little bit upset about it. Did you quiz these people? Like, excuse me. Yeah, I will pay for your dinner if you tell me why the fuck won’t you sit next to me. I can’t do that. I cannot do it, sir. Were they like hoity-toity people? No, they’re all morons like everybody else. They don’t meet our high standards here in East St. Louis. Yeah, they all look like they’re half a click off. No, they’re just regular people, I guess. I don’t know what the deal was. I mean, we weren’t even near the bathroom or anything. The bathroom, they actually went closer to the bathroom. I’d rather sit right by the shitter than sit with them people over there. Well, we were close to the kitchen, I suppose, but it wasn’t that close. It wasn’t like you were getting hit by a swinging door or anything. It’s just, you know. Three random sets of people said, I don’t want to sit here. Yeah, and they laid down the law on the last one. But you have no idea why? No idea why. No idea. It seems a little strange, don’t you think? Well, no, because I don’t think I would have even noticed had my daughter not brought it to my attention. This may actually be what happens every time I go out to eat, and I just never pay attention to it. Yeah, right. It may just be the constant revolving door of people not wanting to sit next to me. I don’t know. I can’t remember that ever happening to us. Really? I’m surprised. I mean, I actually ate with you and wanted to move tables. Yeah. Well, that’s all right. Yeah. I’m like, maybe I’ll take my half of the garlic bread and go over there. I’m used to eating by myself. I don’t care. There’s a reason. Yeah. Yeah, the French toast stick reason. Well, yeah, there is that. So what’s going on with you, sir? No one wants to eat with me. Yeah. I don’t know how… This is like the Polish version of shallow hell, I guess, or something I’m going to go into. The Polish version of shallow hell? Yeah, I guess. I don’t… So, like… My wife was having some knee issues, and so… Oh, no. Horrible. We had to travel a little bit up to Des Moines and see, like, this specialist, and it’s kind of a… kind of a hoity-toity kind of big deal place, you know. Sure. And it was just fine, and I dropped my wife off. I go, listen, I’ll park. I’ll be a nice guy. You can go in first. You’ve got the knee issue. I won’t make you walk. Right. Yeah. Yeah, no, I was trying to be like you, be a nice guy, you know, like, okay, what would Bob do? You know, he would… drop his wife off at the front door, be a nice guy. And it was just fine, and I parked the car, and I get over there, get the building, and there’s quite a few receptionists. There’s like this big desk just full of receptionists. Really? Are you sure there weren’t nurses? No, these were like receptionists. I’m like, okay, all right. She’s talking to some lady. I’m like, oh, okay. And this lady’s, you know, going through her thing, you know, where do you live and all this stuff. And, uh, I was like, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. You know me, you know, I’m trying to be a Rodney Dangerfield. I don’t know why. I just like, I get in these positions. I just, I can’t help myself. I just want to be. How many receptionists does it take to check in a person around here? This is crazy. And, uh, She was very soft-spoken, but I go, this lady is so professional. The receptionist, I thought, wow, she is really professional. She’s got a very decent haircut. Dressed very nicely. She’s asking appropriate questions. Unlike you, you look like Guy Gardner from the Superman movie. not sure that is, but yeah, I look more like everyone from the show tires basically. Yeah. Pretty much. And so we go in and we, you know, it went pretty fast, the appointment and this and that, and talk to the doctor and all that and we leave, we’re kind of rehashing the whole thing, you know and my wife’s like, ha ha. I’m like, what? She goes, boy, that receptionist was a real weirdo. I’m like, what? This is the one you thought was really professional. Yes, I thought, wow, what a nice lady, nicely dressed. You said, oh, what a weirdo, quote unquote. No, you did. You did. No, bullshit. Come on. I go, what are you talking about? You know, shallow hell, you know, the guy, you know, the, uh, one guy sees, you know, the, the, you know, this beautiful supermodel, you know, and Jason, you know, Caesar is a, uh, morbidly obese woman, you know, like there’s this two sides of it, you know, like they’re seeing the same thing, but that was it. I was like, are you, are you okay? Yeah. She acted completely weird when I got there and she wouldn’t stop acting weird. Really? I came in and she waved at me. She waved me over. She enthusiastically waved at me. Wow. I’m like, okay. I don’t know if that hits the weird meter, but okay. She was kind of bouncing up and down as she was doing this and that. Really? Yeah, I’m like, Are you sure? Did we talk to the same lady or did you start off with someone different? Does this woman have large breasts or anything? Hey, hey, what’s their names? I just imagined you would be distracted by a large breast and receptionist bouncing up and down. No, no, it wasn’t even like that. I wish I could say, oh, she had a stroke. Your voice cracked. I think you’re lying. You go, no. No. No. No. No, she was very professionally dressed. She looked like she walked out of some nice magazine cover or something. I’m like, oh, my God. You look like you were in the Sears catalog. You know, if you were wearing a dress, you’d look like Sharon Stone. You know that? There you go. Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? Yeah. Is that what you’re insinuating? Oh, no, come on. I wouldn’t. I’d never say that. Were you saying she needed to have a modesty panel on the bottom of her desk? Oops, I dropped my pen. No, it’s just, I don’t know. It was just so weird. It was like a different take on the same person. I have this vision of you, yes, trying to sneak a peek under the desk and she’s waving frantically at your wife to get her Trying to get her to pull you up. She’s acting weird. She’s waving at me. She was doing that kidnapping sign thing. She’s got the thumb pulled in. She’s squeezing her fingers. There you are. Oh, look. I dropped all my pens. Oopsies. My keys. I’m a lip reader. And, uh, no, I don’t know. I just, I just really was baffled by this. The whole thing just like the whole I don’t know like he was making faces and she was doing this. That’s right. She’s making faces call the police call the police now yeah she’s like you know, bobbing her head, like with her eyes pointed towards me, like fire bad Oh my goodness gracious. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just find that bizarre. How was the doctor then? What was your impression of the doctor and her impression? Were they that far apart? The doctor was a complete fucking asshole and both me and my wife agreed on that completely. He was a dag off. Oh. He was my second least favorite doctor I’ve ever met. Really? Yes. And you see a lot of doctors. I know. So that is saying a lot. This would be the second worst doctor encounter I think I’ve ever had. Really? Wow. Yeah. Yeah, my wife started crying at one point. Oh, my gosh. I was like, man. I don’t have time, man. Listen to me. What do you expect that knee to do? Just fix itself? You’re going to have to limp for the rest of your life, you dumb shit. Now get out of here. I want a second opinion. All right, you’re ugly too. Now get out of here, bitch. You’re carrying this fat fuck around. No wonder your knees are shit. You know why your back hurts? Because you’re carrying this fuck around, you stupid bitch. Now get out of here. I’m leaning on you like you’re a crutch. That was Harrison Ford. I don’t have time. I’ve got a piece of advice for you. My wife has spelled out this pre-appointment thing. Mark on the chart where it hurts. Yeah, my knee. Put a check mark if it hurts bad. Put a circle if it doesn’t really hurt bad. Put the Chinese symbol for soup if you’re not quite sure. Yeah, like the guy doesn’t even look at it. He’s like, ah, yeah, you’re fucked. Yeah, okay. You know what an ACL is? Yeah. They’re basically screwed. Oh, my goodness. I’m sorry. You’re like this fat guy from St. Louis I met once that came in here with a mask. Yeah, that’s right. That guy. He’s got terrible knees. Bob something. I don’t remember his name. Yeah. Ugh. Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. You guys had such a terrible experience. Yeah. The words never again. Yeah. Never again. And you paid for the visit as well. Oh, yeah. Yes. A premium, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah. So we have the… So when are you going back to meet the receptionist? We got a… Oh, yeah. She’s my new side piece now. Yeah. I don’t know. She really knows how to answer a phone. Dictation, let me tell you. Did I mention you had me at hello? You had me at hello, Pat. Sir, could you move? You’re blocking my view. I thought John Candy was dead. You’re Uncle Buck with an F. Yeah. Ha ha ha. [su_qrcode data=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/06/restaurant-jerk/” title=”Restaurant Jerk” link=”https://www.staticradio.com/2026/10/06/restaurant-jerk/”