The biscuit I ate standing up

I used to eat biscuits standing up at the kitchen counter. No cup of tea. No plate. No sitting down. Just a quick, almost defensive bite, as if someone might walk in and say - oh no, that’s not for you. You haven’t earned that.Isn’t that strange? A grown woman. A mother. Running an organisation. And I couldn’t sit down and eat a biscuit with pleasure.I remember my daughter catching me once. “You’re not supposed to eat standing up,” she said. I’d always insisted we sit properly at the table together. And there I was, half-hiding at the cupboard door. I laughed it off. But inside I felt caught. Not because I was eating the biscuit. But because I was denying myself the right to enjoy it.And we do this all the time. Not just with food. With rest. With baths. With reading in the middle of the day. With lying down before we are utterly exhausted. With joy itself.We half-allow it. We rush it. We apologise for it. We make excuses for why we deserve it.Somewhere along the way we learned that pleasure must be earned. That it’s indulgent. That good mothers are selfless. That disciplined women are virtuous.Here’s the confronting part: If our daughters only ever see us consuming pleasure in secret or with guilt, what do they learn about their own appetites? Their own bodies? Their own joy?And our sons are watching too. What do they learn about women’s desires? Women’s rest? Women’s right to take up space?I’m not talking about excess. I’m talking about ease. What would it look like to sit down and eat the biscuit slowly? Without shame. Without looking over our shoulder. What would it look like to rest before we collapse? To close the laptop and say - that’s enough for today. Not because everything is done. But because we are human.This week in Women’s Hour we’re talking about Pleasure Without Guilt. Food. Rest. Joy. Touch. Creativity. Why we deny ourselves these things. And how we begin, gently and honestly, to reclaim them.Not dramatically. Not with a grand life overhaul. Just small acts done openly. Lighting the candle, playing the music, sitting down.Letting our children see that nourishment is not something women steal. It’s something we allow.Maybe we just need to stop eating the biscuit standing up.Thank you for pausing with me. Take care. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit kimmccabe.substack.com/subscribe