In Latitudes, In Attitudes

I was sexually, mentally , physically and verbally abused by someone who I wasn’t related to from age to nine to age thirteen. For years being blamed for event that I didn’t cause, it took years to accept who I was and that it wasn’t my fault. I felt ashamed and guilty for years. Certain people I don’t have relationships with, because they would rather play the victim, instead of taking accountability. Was I perfect child, no, but I least I tried to make amends, correct my mistakes. For years these individuals would flip the story, to fit their narrative, walking away and haven’t spoken to them in six years was one choice I had left. I miss my mom and sister, but it either my health or sanity. I still have my four brothers and dad, and his family. Proud of that skin full of scars, I still have scars, but I wouldn’t be where I am or who I am without my past. I have lighter burns, I was choked, slapped, hit I the face and more. My life was threatened if I chose to speak up. I did keep evidence on my phone for a nine year old, to prove I was innocent. I have a lifetime restraining order against this person and they can’t be in the same state as me, it doesn’t mean that I will ever feel safe. A forty year old man who should know right from wrong, for years I had to learn how to break the chains. I was expected to pretend like this didn’t happen, to brush it under the rug, because he was someone’s finance. Disregard what I went through, I will admit I don’t trust men, I am doing a lot better with it, but I can’t trust you over night. Many think I playing games or the victim, which I am not, but if you never experience abuse, you have no room to judge. I have nothing to hide, I always take accountability when I need to, I always correct my mistakes or make amends, but before you judge a book by its cover. Maybe put yourself in the other’s persons shoes.

I would rather be authentic and real, I would rather tell the truth. Even if it hurts in the moment, I would rather tell the truth, than to lie. When I know I did wrong, I will admit, I will share the whole story, not parts of it. I will take accountability. I can’t live with guilt of keeping secrets and lying. If you can, that’s a you problem. I love my life, I love where I am at and what I have built for myself. Everything I share isn’t hate or grudge. It’s what I learned. It’s the truth, I have hurt others, I have burned bridges and some bridges would no longer be amended. Unfiltered and loud, I would rather share my story to help others, A survival guide, and journey that was difficult but worth it. I am sorry for many if it hurt feelings, but at least I took accountability for my own part. Writing is my own therapy, it’s how I heal. Many situations I didn’t cause, I was drag into and some decisions I made weren’t the best, but at least I admit to everything I did on my part. Unfiltered and loud, is being real and honest to how I really feel. I can’t lie or hold secrets, it makes me sick. I have nothing against no one, but I hate being situations where someone wants you to keep a secret or lie. I can’t do that. Have I tried yes, but eventually it will get the best of me.

am a very nice and supportive person, unless you do something like break federal laws to boost your own ego, then I will turn into someone you thought I never could. People who are narcissistic and have ego’s and do anything to feed their ego even when it crosses the line and they still want to play the victim? You are the one who violated HIPPA, PHI and broke several federal laws and you don’t want to take accountability? You can’t handle what you dished, but you can dish it? A doctor and someone who just became a doctor should know the laws of HIPPA, but honestly you didn’t care. Telling a sob story that you are were only a vendor, not just someone who was their supervisor. Your story had so many holes and lies, no wonder you couldn’t keep up with the act. I am not a mean person, I do not hate you, I forgive you, but how would you feel if your health information you shared in confidence was broken? It was shared like a piece pf candy and gossip topic, but once you got reported. You disappeared, you couldn’t face me? You only apologized because you caught, your reputation was destroyed and no longer had credibility. I leave quite an impression, the ones who hurt you always come back around but only to hurt you again. I was good to you, I helped you in your lowest times, but you only shared the parts that fit your victim story. The two things I take accountability for is saying some things that wasn’t appropriate and trusting you. At least I can take accountability that save my job and reputation, but you got fired. This will be on record permanently, good luck tying to run from it. This will follow you the rest of your life. Trying to be the gossiper , the work bully sharing things that you didn’t have permission to share, that’s your own fault. You did so many things to boost your ego, to valuate your needs, you didn’t care about hurting others and now it’s costing you. Tearing others down, act like a kid who never grew past high school and by the way these two are in their forties. You never grew up, once you burn a bridge it’s hard to amend that bridge. The impression I leave is you may think I may not know nothing, but I know everything, I just wait to expose you. You can play me once, but you won’t play me twice.

Some key tips I learned, that I hold dear, I don’t use my relationships as a business tool, what happens is between me and that person . Everything is not about one person, it’s about both people. Don’t get me wrong, I love my independence, but a relationship is fifty-fifty. I love what is on the inside not just the outside. Nowadays I have noticed not just from personal experiences but what I have seen, the relationship isn’t about how the person looks. It’s about how the person treats you not just in the relationship but outside the relationship. It’s about helping each other, not making the person do all the work. Men have a lot of responsibilities, but also it’s our responsibility to bring the half of the responsibility. I did have a lot of growing up to do as well, but the relationship shouldn’t be based on appearance. I choose to stand up for men, because honestly woman are mostly sometimes the problem. Many complain, want the queen treatment and complain about it online, instead of speaking to their partner about it. You expect one person to do everything, then expect to be treated like a queen. A relationship is a two way street not a one way street. What I learned early on, when my mom got tired of dad, she went and found someone else. Then when she got tired of that person, then she found someone else. She shamed my dad, and never took the accountability. I have always been about supporting my significant other, not just during the good times but the hard times. The relationship isn’t just about making love, it’s about getting through the difficult times, If you can so easily walk out during the difficult times of the relationship, then you were only in the relationship for money or the control. It shouldn’t be about how much the person makes or what control you have. The relationship will have difficult moments. When guilt-shame or hurt the other person for how they look or you’re not getting what you want, Maybe you need to check yourself. You never know what the other person faced at work, or in general. You can give it all you have, and sometimes good things do come to end, but not everything is about yourself. All of us have certain things we need to work on, but to admit you are human, that make mistakes, it’s either better to take accountability and work together, instead of everything being one sided.

I have the softest of heart when you get to know me. I’m just very careful who I let in. Gypsy Herat for me is loving the unknown, always thriving in change. You can throw the hardest challenge at me, I will still manage to conquer it. I don’t let nothing bother me for long. I am not hot head, or get physical in the fighting sense. Making a big deal out of something that wasn’t that big of deal, just shows how immature you are. I would rather take accountability, admit I was wrong and hearing the other person out. I’m not saying I am smoothing over the topic or pushing it under the rug, for it to boil over. I am not the bitch type or treating people any way because I didn’t choose to heal myself. I will stand my ground when needed. Meeting new people, or learning things that you knew all along, but finding out it was true. It didn’t scare me away. I hold certain relationships close to me, because I see the value and the uniqueness it has. I don’t hold grudges or become a child who didn’t get their way . Everything in life has a meaning, when you faced the unknown many times, you ready for the next chapter, but what if that next chapter throws a curve ball? You hear both sides and then decide how to proceed, but their certain people I will always vouch for them. I will always protect them, even when they can protect themselves. I will always have their back. I’m not saying this or typing this just for the heck of it, I mean it.

I’ve been to the Bahamas four times. Clear light blue water unless it’s in December. Cheap prices but a North Easter, the conditions you never want to be in. The ship rocking back and forth. The ocean coming up to port hole, walking sideways like you are drunk and everything falling off the tables. Almost had to abandon the ship. You were shaking and couldn’t walk straight for two weeks. Motion sickness, a trip to remember, or the time you did a twelve mile bike ride and the last four miles you were soaked in rain because a tropical storm was forming near by. Getting all your hair braid but then having a sunburn on your scalp. So many memories, they also drive on the left side instead of the right. Altantis, almost being stung by a jellyfish, the moments never end. Being out at sea, seeing the sky line of Miami. The Royal Caribbean will always be my first choice sorry Carnival, it’s become Walmart of the seas.  The Oasis of the seas, the Icon of the seas. I love the ocean, unless there is rogue wave which happened once, but on a smaller boat. Florida and the Bahamas are my two favorite places. Margaritavill, Port Carnival, Orlando, Port Saint Lucie, Miami, Saint Augustine, Clear Water, Jacksonville, Daytona, Jupiter, Destin, Tallahassee, and so many other places. The Rolex 24hr at Daytona, I got to meet Patrick Dempsey. I got to swim with manatees. Scuba diving,Snorkeling, jet skiing and other things, I had fun every summer. Growing up with classic’s, country, classic rock and Jimmy Buffett. “Volcano” by Jimmy Buffett was the only song I could sleep to when I was younger. I have a signed cd by Jimmy Buffett. I also got to be part of many movies as well.