Musings w/Musings

She is no longer my step daughter legally but it was never of her fault…Recently there has been a discussion about jealousy and whether it is a valid feeling. My stance is that it is a valid feeling. Going through life I never considered myself a jealous person. I didn’t feel I had a reason to be. I wasn’t rich and for the window I was viewed through, grew up in poverty. My mother received assistance, a father was not present, I am the oldest of a large family-a secondary parent, and a latchkey kid. Though jealousy was not an option.If I wanted something as a child, I saved for it, I asked for it if allowed - like my mother showed the means to provide it and I asked well in advance. I would ask could she save for me to have it. I asked strategically. I didn’t covet the most expensive sneakers or the most expensive clothes because I understood I couldn’t. I looked in magazines and planned for the future - my future. I watched TV and imagined what could be had for me.I didn’t want someone else’s friends but I wanted friends. My life didn’t allow for me to have friends as often or hang out with groups. I learned to live in solitude. I wasn’t popular but people knew me and I knew people. I don’t remember boys having a crush on me. I remember a few here and there that showed interest towards me in my high school years, but didn’t go to my high school, with nothing coming of it. I carried this lack of jealousy with me through college and through my different places of employment. Did I have wants? Yes, I wasn’t a person seeking this stripped enlightenment, just a normal day to day person with goals and dreams. I was just oblivious to anyone else except what I wanted.Fast forward and I found myself married and an instant stepmother(it wasn’t a major issue). It is what festered within the relationship. I wasn’t in competition with a child though I would find myself asking a question that set off an alarm in myself that felt like jealousy.“Why can’t you have the same patience with us as you do with her?”This question came at the tail end of what seemed like the seventh argument that precluded the end of our marriage. I was speaking of me and our boys. The ones he had little patience or understanding for. It had been almost seven long years and now that question came up as one of the hard ones. Almost on the same rhythm of the question leaving my mouth, the realization that I was jealous of a 12 year old. I had whispered it under my breath and I was shocked by the revelation.My memory was instantly flooded of times when I asked to hold her hand to walk into this building but felt a block. It was how I was excited to buy things for her but couldn’t feel anything at the time of presenting the items. There was a block that both of us felt and while I had expressed my disdain with her father’s actions on some instances, I didn’t realize how deep this unknown feeling had seeped inside. It seemed like I was only needed to cook for her and do her hair. I didn’t recognize this feeling that was growing slowly and surely. It wasn’t something I could address because I only saw this as temporary; as she was only here for the summers. I wanted so much to bond but it was hard and I felt at that moment why it was. Where that and another question sealed the fate of our marriage (I won’t go into detail).I will say…Jealousy isn’t unnatural it just doesn’t show up how you think it would.Mookie💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

When you listen to the audio, please understand I didn’t kill anyone…I find myself censoring myself often. Censor myself for friends, family, colleagues, strangers because all the world’s a stage or the coercion of making my first impression my best impression. It seems like I am constantly having to sell myself but with edits. I don’t want to have censor myself because my initial voice is not pleasant or palatable. It’s too dry and no one knows that I am pleasant. That I am not necessarily having a bad day.Ultimately it is self-sabotage. How can one not censor themselves in groups where you are expected to censor. I’m not speaking of profane language, but what is seen as using softer language. All the cotton clusters, butterflies, and floral arrangements a sentence can have.Just writing that last sentence has me grimace - I am not a puff pastry.I am straightforward but diplomatic and I am able to pivot or change a standard if needed. I am almost chameleon like but why? Why is every scene a scene? What does it take to fully relax through? My therapist says I am very logical, that I must lead with more emotion. My friendships are approached differently from my business relationships.Well that is going to change. We all are going to change, We are going to move from the shadows and do what we want because it is needed to stabilize the future. We have to bring back the real. I have to be okay again with with being open and elusive. I tried the rigidity of a “normal” life. I am ready to be free. Join me.Mookie💜✨️ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

What does it mean to be young? Why is there a sliding scale on being young? To save characters - we are jumping right into the “adult year.'“ One gets to 18 and and you are young. Get to age 21 and still young. Age 25 and your insurances is supposed drop but you are still young. Reach 30 and you guessed it - YOUNG! Is this sliding scale handicapping those reaching for the rung of adulthood on the ladder of life. I dont know. While i want to be enthusiastic or see the brighter side of being told I look young - I cannot. I just want to live without pain or the constant suffering I see or hear about. I want to feel joy and freedom of expression without the responsibility l.I can't because I am not young without responsibilities. I don’t have on blinders of attempting to establish myself and help others. Some days I want to be young again, but I would be returned to the world I left and I'm not sure how much or if I would do anything different. Mookie💜Would you wish to be younger? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Who are my listeners, and/or readers? Who are you that have found yourself a part of my small, soon to be large audience? Are you part of the collective that has grown weary of mundane repetition when you expect growth of a certain evolutionary maturity-no, expansion- of the mind that we are not a layperson of destruction?~we are animals though not to be a continuous warring species~What needs to happen is that we move as a collective that has become tired of all this at the same time and not in waves? That we all collectively stop….~are we stuck in a mental survival mode~What I imagine happening is like a scene from a movie. No warning - just a switch that is turned on and can’t be stopped. For instance in ‘Left Behind’ people vanish. No warning to the masses. The person in front of you just walks and in a domino effect, the person in line is next, and then the next, so on and so on…Just everywhere there is a mass disappearance from all walks of life. That is the type of movement I am expecting from a large number, well, all of us. That we stay home. We help our fellow man with whatever. Maybe not as dramatic that movie scene, but I didn’t want to use one where we turned into zombies. I want to show the impact of our indeterminate departure from everyday life.~That we all stop participating. ~Not as one-time thing. Not as a bargaining chip for the next week, next day, and next hour... An extended stay for this last bit of evolution. Then when they think it is going well, we do it again. We have to be tired of being used as fodder for low prices, that are not low. Fodder for special interest that don’t directly affect us. Fodder for the profit margin. Fodder for ideas built on a foundation of lies.Who are we?Oh let them write us as PompeiWho stood in awe of the fire,Watched those that writhe in pain,At just the valley below.For it was a sight they've never sceneStill staring in a wondernment of dismayMookie💜p.s. : If you are wondering if these are my words, they are This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

You start off with an idea of what you want to do and through the inevitable end up doing something else. There are others that have a plan and stick to that plan all the way through. Meaning they have a goal, know the steps to get there, and then follow through.It’s not easy – it is determination.In middle school you may decide to become a lawyer because its family legacy or some other substantial reason. Graduate middle school, head into high school and learn about college requirements. Throughout high school you do the testing, research colleges, maintain grades, and apply. You get accepted, completed the required schooling to proceed to law school. Everything works out and you become a lawyer.Now suppose along any of those steps something doesn’t go to plan. That by your sophomore year of high school your grades begin to dip because life has become stressful. By graduation you haven’t recovered well enough to have the top grades for scholarship rewards. You still go to college even if your grades are lower than expected. You still move forward but with a change of plans – the change of how to get there but the goal is still the goal.Every decision you make sometimes requires you in a subtle manner to adjust your plans. Sometimes as minor as taking a prerequisite course you hadn’t planned, to having to take some time off to handle personal matters.Whatever the interruption may be, remember to be patient with yourself. Trust the process, even if it’s the process of the universe or your god.My musing and random writings are nothing but thoughts that have needs to be released. Not all coherent and not all concises.Mookie💜✨️ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

The title is not a play on anything from the past. It is simply a fact for many of us in this world. Most people live on solid land, and humans cease being aquatic creatures shortly after birth. No matter how much we may love the water, we do not live in it. We are not fish.Though some argue that we evolved from fish, we do not have gills. We have lungs—lungs made to breathe, bodies better suited for land.At times, I wish I had gills, or at least loved the water enough to set aside the time and money to learn how to swim. But something always seems to stand in the way, as if to say that it is not yet my time. Even though I have not set that time aside for myself, I have done so for my children.For those who cannot yet plan for themselves, for those who have not yet come into the awareness of how important a skill swimming is, someone must step up and take on that responsibility.For now, my children have me. Not a perfect being, but someone who keeps their best interests at the forefront.Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Who decides the standards of dating and why do they keep changing? It could all be so simple but we keep making it harder by lying or pretending to be someone we are not. Well I don’t mean to say “we” as if I am included. The only time I could remember pretending was being a wife. Well someone else wife… Then again I wouldn’t say pretend but acquiesced. I felt trapped. There wasn’t a previous discussions of what would be expected to be his wife and if he had told me what to expect I would not have entered. That is the essence of dating. Getting out all of those expectations, well at least most. It was interpreted that I enjoyed cleaning because I was constantly cleaning and not that I was constantly cleaning because everyone was so messy all the time. Laughable still so many years later. I do not have a servant’s heart, I have a helper’s heart. Meaning I am more apt to want to help, not serve you.I wish dating could be easier for the youth but people have too many podcasts delivering caustic opinions. Opinions into a vacuum. Until next time.Here's a poem I wrote. It's not in my latest book, but it is how I have been feeling lately.This last one has been trying to leave meIt's been hard letting goThe person I let know meIs the one I have to let goSo another one can find meIts been hard not because of comfortBecause I really caredBecause I couldn't doubtThe feelings were really thereMookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I was sitting alone in the park and not bothering anyone. It was a public area and I couldn’t prevent anyone from sitting in a public setting. Someone approaches where I was sitting and I immediately look to the left and right to empty benches. It’s nighttime and I am a woman sitting alone in a busy area… this was not the time.Because I do not have a flowery or buttery disposition from the cares of the world and my personal ecosystem, it is hard for the stern voice to stay locked away. My thoughts immediately go to a “please not today” tone, but this real life and I have years of personnel experience of people encountering me and assuming the worse.*side note: what happen to pages automatically scrolling down when typing so that the current line is mid-page. Did I imagine that?Well I am sitting in this park and this man comes up to me and does not read the situation. Does not read my tone, body language and by now he has ignored the setting. It is a public place and I do not know if this man is homeless our not and there is already a homeless woman screaming to the rear of me and I rather not set another off. So I sit there and let a man prattle off about his manuscript that was stolen by someone else. The wind begins to nip at my arms and I offer advice begin again as I excuse myself back to my room. There is no need to further ruin a peaceful night by giving a rude send off.Sometimes I feel too polite.Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Perspective: a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.I had to recently look at how I viewed holidays. At one point in my life they were a joyous occasion. I loved decorating, organizing dinner or lunch gatherings, spreading the word on events or I was just there. I still do enjoy a reason to celebrate, even holidays that don’t involve my own cultural background. Why I do these invents has never been a question for me. It is a matter of perspective…I want to be involved with the collective if they allow. I’m not a fan of small talk but I am a fan of learning. The more I learn about you the more I find similarities between us. That give us something to join in joy with each other. Furthering how we can find shared interest. Same reason I like competition, beneficial competition. Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Do you ever find yourself sitting and suddenly a thought pops up and then becomes so repetitive to point of having you act? Is that your intuition or a feeling of your standards not being met? Let’s look at the definitions of intuition and standard.Intuition: the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoningStandard: a level of quality, achievement, performance, etc., that is considered acceptable or desirableWe all have some sort of intuition and in some things in our lives we have standards. Both are developed continuously. More often than not our standards are developed more than our intuition. Our intuition is ignored because of our wants. Our standards improve because our intuition was ignored. If we choose to ignore our intuition, let it not be for too long and for too little.Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I don’t know what this audio is because it has been since Jan 19 since I have uploaded it. Luckily I put a title on the audio when initially save and that gives me a topic to write this blurb on. Parenting sucks. Not for everyone but for EVERYONE. There is just levels to the suckery that a good parent goes through. Obviously I am not talking to bad parents…like come on.So parenting sucks. You have the low level of suckery and that would be your sleep being deprived and scheduled rearranged in the form of rubik’s cube. A few random yearly illness - essentially light work. Give me that any day at this point but don’t because I love my schedule.Then you have the medium degeneracy of parenting. Maybe you are a single parenting through intentional circumstances but you have emotional and physical support. Just up the inconvenience a bit more, like from 50 to 150.Now just imagine the low level, then the medium minus the needed support. Add a shakey foundation of what it means to be a supportive parent through crisis. Meaning you came from a chaotic home life where you know nothing but to be responsible so you take on all of the responsibility of everyone’s emotions, blamed for everyone’s personal failures, and their negligent actions. By proxy parent of adults and children. Holding it all together to be the emotional foundation to keep your cool. This makes parenting suck.Maybe if it didnt suck, then I wouldn't be complimented on how well I am doing. I just know its hard a lot of days. Leaves you feeling like you are walking a tightrope where no e exists. Oh and btw - this isn’t gender specific. I’m for the people and this is to the collective. If you feel this way - it is okay. It gets hard. Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Be good to each other This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

What does it mean to consistently repeat something you didnt realize already happened before? If you are willing to learn then you are in your infancy of desiring to grow - a hunger. Maybe not infancy, maybe the first set of formative years of 2-7. If you refuse then you are at pubescent stage of refusing to believe that it is what you are seeing. That you need to see it to believe it.We repeat history, sometimes genetically. You have the green thumb of your great grandparents- that ancestral intuitive knowledge of what plants need. Maybe you find yourself really good with numbers like a parent you hadn't formed a bond with. Even darkness is ancestral. It doesnt mean we have to to repeat, just be aware. Be aware and use this knowledge to be helpful to ourselves and others.Be well.Mookie 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I think it is highly amusing to be asked repetively to move on when you ask why. And I am be facetious when I use “amusing.” There is nothing Amusing with running into the NPCs of life. I don't want to always do the work that comes with having, or being given, the solutions. Because you have to use those solutions to go past the physical or mental obstacle that was put in place by another's interpersonal limitations. Peope are asked to look to different religion flavors to get guidance. Or sit in heavy meditation to calm your senses or regulate your mood. To get you to stand outside your primal nature to react, and that is good. I'm not going to take nothing away from that stuff.Then it is the parables.Oh my goodness the parables! I don’t want to hear that a butterfly can't show its wings if it has never bore the solitude of its cocoon 😕.I get the reference - I made it up. Maybe someone said it before me but I haven't heard it or reading before now.I am not talking to the newbies of life, the ones still learning. I speak to those that know they do wrong and don't explain. Mookie 💜Psst… I'm getting better with the grapics. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I’m a writer. I think that is in my bio. Today is my third book’s birthday(14 November?. I’m excited so I dropped an audio. I’m really proud of my success. At times it doesn’t feel like it to me because there is so much time that goes between each event. I’ve been on a few stages, done a few classes, a few events, some groups… there is a lot. We tend to focus on the culmination and not the journey. The part of the journey that requires time and not necessarily planning. The sleep varying nights along with the next morning texts of “Are you available?” is a sporadic and clustered sequence. No one catches you on those days when they get around to asking how your day was. They catch on what seems like a jet-lagged moment of time when you haven’t even been on a flight. They catch when your mind has the events ready to be record but not readily in memory to answer the question “What have you been up?” They catch you when you can only seem to give a quarter measure of reply.Well today is the anniversary of the release of my 3rd book. I’m announcing it on my twenty-first musing and all is well in the world. No one will wish me any good things for this today and if they do I’ll put a retraction on that specifically. I’ll always be happy for me.* Mookie💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I’m not sure if there was an episode of Peter Pan battling potatoes. These potatoes were formed in my imagination. They were created to give shape to the monsters of mathematical proportions - whatever that means. I never thought to actually quell these monsters I created to dance freely in my head to give form to my angst of solving literal math problems. I though maybe give them an outlet in my head would somehow appease my angst. The angst of mentally solving how the ramp speed on a interstate was determined. Or how detectives determined you speed by the skid marks on the road from your stopping distance. The random moments of solving functions. I mention Peter Pan because some of the best and simplest solutions are childlike as my daughter pointed out to me. That any dilemma that I create, I can defeat. The solution was given to me and at first I didn’t understand. She heard my frustration with the dancing potatoes in my head and she provided me a solution to what appeared to be my core frustration.While it wasn’t my core frustration it was one I could solve myself, in turn quelling the angst that rose from it. First deal with the monsters that you created in your head to give you room to handle everything else.Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Below is a piece of abstract writing. This is an exercise from a mini seminar organized by a storytelling group I am in. The mini seminar was taught by an Jasmine from an organization in Chicago called The Neo-Futurist. The art piece doesn’t necessarily have to be physically spoken by you but this is a rant and itbhas to be taught and the scene set up verbally. It isn’t long because we didn't have a lot of time with so many people on the zoom meeting.In essence I squeezed out every little bit of rant I could in the time that I had all while being partially hungover from the night before.Topic: Something I could rant aboutAction: multi-tasking but starting a row for a crochet project“Differences. What are our differences if we have never stepped out of our same? That is such a difficult question as sitting here listening to someone trying to box me in again. I like red and you like blue( I like red but this is just an example and not my favorite color). That is a difference. You thinking I am different because of the way I pronounce my Rs is not a difference, it’s a lack of exploration.I am not too different from anyone else, just particular. Just particular in a way that I love for my towels to be folded in a particularly orderly way but also get lost in thought driving in a way that gives Georgia State Patrol a reason to love their job. I love their job too. I too wanna go fast…Let me stay on topic, kind of.I need my towels to be folded in a rectangle. You square my towels and I am prone to delve into madness. I don’t see you different than me. I just see someone or something new I hadn’t explored. That would mean explore me without putting me in a box based on perceived differences. Difference that seem to come because you saw someone else do it and I resemble that someone else because of any similarities you decided to box me into.You don’t know me though.We don’t have many differences. I’m tired of living like we do because of something someone else had to group together for you like a polynomial.I mention polynomial because I am taking math and now understand the reason while writing this why you would need to factor a polynomial.”Hopefully you listen to the audio - I think we need it.Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I am writing on purpose again. I didn’t think I would be writing on purpose again so soon. I found myself outside opening my gate to begin my yard’s maintenance with the aggressive barking of my neighbor’s dogs again. I feel the anger well up in me and a whisper inside that tells me “you are set aside.” I am angry because I have already addressed this issue with the dogs. No one I talk to sees it as an issue. They say dogs bark but my yard is not theirs and by as much time has passed they should be acclimated to the fact that I lived here first. Peace and quiet predates them.“You are set aside.” What does that mean? What am I to do with that whispering. There is no immediate power in that saying that will quell these animals to stop disturbing my thoughts or correcting the owners of these wayward animals. I grew up with dogs around me. For the most part, they do not just bark. They learn their zone of protection and shut up. Responsible owners know a barking dog is usually not a protector.Know you have been set aside feels illogical. Another reason why feelings and logic have to learn to be on good terms. I have to walk in my purpose and me walking over to my neighbors house every time their dogs bark at me for being outside in my yard is not purposeful. That is the part that most angers me. My main assignment being a peaceful protagonist in my own story. Not a pushover, steady in my reproach. I can’t move in anger because my anxiety has been heightened. I have to calm down and feel safe again. It is imperative to understand that all people who I encounter think like me. They do not have the purpose that I have. The automatic knowing and reading of situations that allow me to ignore most negative social interactions. I do not take solace in that because it requires quite a bit of mental stamina. Being set aside for your purpose in life is taxing. It makes you angry when you finally figure out what it means to be “set aside” in reference to your purpose. You are not meant to walk in every storm to quell it, just in the ones that require you to walk in your purpose. Telling rowdy dogs to shut-up is an everybody job and I am too special for that.Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I’m sitting in math class struggling to stay aware of my surroundings. That is mostly coming to realization that I am in math class. I need to be aware that I am in math class. I need to pay attention because I do not know what to do. I am about to freak out because I have a test this weekend.By the time this expisode is recorded the math exam will be done. So yes, as I continue, I am sitting in math class and my thoughts drift as they often do and I am thinking about why am I here? Not in a depressive state type of questioning; just in an aware of where am I in the world. My rap sheet of grievances is long. It all starts with my birth, but once again I diverse. My brain works like the multiverse.I am in math class and want to know why am I here? Not my purpose. Just why am I here in this life, at this moment, on an unknown quest? I know that I am supposed to be writing but to who. My own group of people or is it to my culture. I am here for the US or the collective? Though I wasn’t asking about that. I was wondering why am in this math class, taking this math for the 2nd or 3rd time wishing I was somewhere resting in a vacation rental.I’m not. I am laid back on my couch writing about how I mulled over questioning my purpose for being here at this time and place.Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Hey, so I don’t intend to make this a long note and it isn’t a long audio. This episode is the intermission. Usually you want to let the audience know that there will be an intermission but sometimes life gets away. That is a true intermission and so is this intermission.Well, here I am after the fact. Glad you stayed or arrived. Mookie💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Purpose: reason for existenceLately I have been questioning my purpose. What exactly is that? Did my purpose evolve from the hopes and dreams I had for myself. I was never given a plan for my life. I wasn’t guided in love, finances, education, or my career. Once I decided what I wanted to wear on any given day to school it was probably a wrap. Maybe it could have been when I started being philosophical about questions that were posed to me about myself. Things I didn’t want for myself. Struggles I didn’t want to inhabit.What is my purpose? What am I called here to do? I feel an internal timing that no one knows about but me. I live with an authority where my main goal is to protect and provide for my children without being unethical or immoral and to do it with honesty. Their foundation must be built on honesty and not my feelings about a situation or people. Are my children my purpose? They are my task, though not necessarily my purpose. Before them I existed and for a time they were, and in some way still, my reason to continue to exist. When I say task I don’t mean a burden because children are their for you to protect to bring them to their highest good for greater purpose of the collective.Is learning my purpose? Am I here to learn by fire and when I am not consumed to be the garden that provides for all. I give them my remedies and solution. Am I here to feed and shade? I find myself at a loss as I look back at the many trials of life and how I manage to keep going.I find comfort knowing that I can help people even if I don’t know my true purpose. I just know that I must keep going in whatever that is in front of me even without a guidepost.Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Friendships are beautiful thing. Especially when they are true. I don’t know if my pessimism gets in the way of me determining if I have had any true friendships because none of them have remained steady. I’m the outsider in the friend groups. I could point to my chaotic upbringing and constant moving during the early years of my life. I know how to start friendships but its the enduring that is often lost.Growing up in a large family and not experiencing the same level of freedom that others have had in their youth leads me to feeling like the elder or protector in the friend group. Living in this energy makes it hard to maintain friendships. Not because I necessarily want them to end but because a dynamic changes that challenges a view of who I am or what I will do to maintain it.….In essence I stay too long.Healing that part of me right at this time in my life is hard. I have to reinterpret what it is to be a friend. How can I show up as my authenticate self and not be afraid of the responses after living in a peculiar safety? Ima go back to saying whatever is on my mind. No more expectations. I don’t have as much energy as I did before to chase connections. I have to let them come to me. How do you show up in your friendships? What is your friendship style? Are you living your authentic self? Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

A limit is a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass. How do you know when you have reached your limit. We all have limits that we are aware of. Most of you that will read this note or listen to the cast are closer to my age than further. Meaning you are old. We are all old. The settings are already set to adult only. Eighteen plus, so if you have reached 18, you have reached old with some caveats of course. Life comes at you fast.Knowing our limitations help us become better people overall. Helps us to walk away faster and attempt another journey or 2. Help us to come to mediation quicker with someone else. Getting to mediation is not pretty either. You have to admit that you cannot do something you earnestly want to do. That this is outside your capability.The most exciting thing about knowing your limitations is realizing how many things you have tried to do already. That our trying to do anything isn’t limited. You can keep going to venture into something new. Only your mind can truly stop you outside of physical limitations. Knowing our limits stops us only in the one thing we already tried. It doesn’t prevent us from going further with something new.What are some self limiting behaviors/beliefs that you personally exhibit? Are these behaviors part of your nature or were they nurtured by someone else?Mookie Toujour💜Try then try again… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Some of us want a settled love. An enduring love. A love that grows from the seed to the harvest to the turning of the soil. Some of us contantly seed, only reaching the sprouting stages. Quite a few us are seedlings wanting to be care and for, nutured. With our being worth the harvest. We want the excitement that comes for reaching that high. The sun was never close enough. Stars not always seen,The moon sometimes in the shadows…Does this type of overreaching lead us to be late love consumers on an endless seedling season? We are always looked as strong and resilient seedling based on our will to live and not truly get that full measure of love. Love doesn’t supply oxygen or physical nourishment but the loss of it always takes your breath away and curbs your need for sustenance.I’m not sure why I name this poem Blocking My Blessings and in some way I do. I felt like I was, though my spirit said this one will have you cross the line of reality.Blocking my blessingsI have this warped idea of love I come home, you're happy to see me Enamored filled text prep my day I fill your cup, you fill mine This seems the lover's way Nothing about this love loses time The batteries never end, they never die As soon I think of you, you call More in sync everyday our thoughts Icarus would be jealous of our fall It could be perfect If I would just answer your callMookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

When I was younger I was able to party more easily because there were no hidden fees. Any exclusiveness was front and center. The cost at the door determines what your double would be. Ten dollars at the door definitely meant you were going to double that once inside. For women you usually got in free and so your double at that time meant the drinks would be around seven or eight dollars.Also clubs was were fun. You go in to go to the dance floor. That was always the plan. Today is more like everyone wants to look cute then sit down. No one is used to wearing heels to the club because now people are wearing tennis shoes more often than not. The art of balancing on a vaulted shoe while walking or dancing feels lost.This isn’t the hidden cost I write of. It is all of the fees and surcharges. I now hav* MookieToujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

I love to rest but I also love a good time. Dancing releases so much pent up frustration for me. I become so much more jovial when dancing.I went dancing recently at this club-a rooftop bar. Women are there sitting like it's a brunch. Smiling about little comments or super small talk. Men are sitting on their phones or dapping each other up a for what - iono. The music was loud. You had to scream your drink order out.Its amazing what sound panels do. I couldn't hear much from the door.Dancing by myself was great. A friend and I came together. We are both dancing by ourselves, but together :). I only dance with men not for them - well ya know.Then I went dancing at the Southern Feedstore… we originally went for food but i heard music. I go order some food and the head back to the dance floor. I start sashaying my hips to the rhythmof the music. A guy approachesme and extends his hand. I say yes because I came to dance! Boy did we dance. He was an excellent lead. I kept up with him.It was the most amazing dance I've had in a while. I was dancing Semba! He asked how long have I been dancing Semba. I said I dont, you are a great lead. The dance was so sensual. I felt like I was in a movie the way I kept up. People were looking and clapping. It was amazing. My friend said I was cheesing so hard.The night ended great without a date. He was not in my age range. Check out the shoe for the first half of the night.* Mookie Toujour 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

*I can’t remember where this art work is from. If it is yours I can change it.I decided to share this writing from 2000. I typed it out. A picture of a section is below.“When is the age we stop living life? This unconscious state of living drives me cray. People stop living mentally; not physically or being brain dead medically. Trying to maintain a conscious state of mind drives me crazy. The reason people only use 10% of their brain is because [they] get tired of thinking. Sometimes I don't feel like I am a part of this world. I try to force people to think by not thinking all the way through myself. Trying to be a humanitarian, I hurt myself by losing my brainpower because I want other people to think. I've thought these same thoughts when I was younger and decided not to spill.People say thinking is too hard. How about not thinking is harder. If you forgot how to tie, buckle, or strap your shoes you would be a Pandora box ready to blow open. You would be ready to take it out on other people.”Do you go back to your past writings to see if you have changed? Do you still carry some of your core beliefs from adolescence? How have you changed or expanded your viewpoints?* Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

July 29 is the beginning of a personal legacy. It isn't celebrated by anyone but me. I love this date for the many opportunities that were presented to me. It is the date that Beyonce released an album on 29 July 2022 - Renaissance. I actually channeled that date on twitter. I added to my bio before the date was released.The numbers two and nine equal eleven which by numerology is a master number for building…I hope I am able to remember it for always. Not for the heck of it but what happened on and after that day. The July 29 of a particular year that hard-launched me into adulthood. I was ready. I wanted to be wherever July 29th was taking me. Did I have hard moments come about after July 29th? Yes! They don’t surpass the pains I experienced prior to July 29th. I don’t every wish to return to where I was before then. I only wish to have the flat stomach of when I was 19. July 29 reminds me of the chance I took on myself . How I became the master builder of my future.Do you have numbers that resonate with you? * Mookie Toujour 💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Terms:Delay - a period of time by which something is late or postponedDeny - refuse to give or grant (something requested or desired) to (someone)What is it about life and delays? Why can’t the answer/solution/goal just be completed with very little resistance. Resistance is natural, you expect a little resistance. Delays…as soon as there is a delay the line follows.“I don’t think this is gonna(going to) work.” There are many types of delays. If you have worked in an office of some sort you recognize what those are immediately. Delays are not just at the personal level. Delays can be within or out of your control. Delays can be excusable and inexcusable. There are cognitive delays, emotional, and physical delays. How you approach or deal with those delays in some ways determines the crux of your denial.Here I want you to focus on denials within your control. Take a look at one thing on your plate of work orders or tasks that are within your control. Have you started that outline for that book?Have you spoke your idea into existence?Have you ordered that item yet? Have you reached out and asked for help?Take a chance to step out from behind of the thoughts of things you can't do because you are waiting on someone or something else. Maybe you can't write the entire book today; though you are able to start with a small spiel of why you want to. * Mookie Toujour 💜 Like the raven said “Forever more…” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Lying is avoidable. The definition of lying is not telling the truth. You have to be not doing something that should come natural to do. Lying is biggest peeves. I don’t even want you to tell a fib, which is still a lie but now it sounds like a “small” lie - whatever that is supposed to mean.To be made part of the lie is even worse. That person that was offended is pointing at you and you are pointing to the person who did the offending. By the world’s opinion you are all are told to look at yourself and see how you contributed to the lie.THAT IS THE CRAZIEST PUBLIC GAS-LIGHTING MOVE!And it has to stop. The ignorant, non guilty parties do not need to be given grace for something that was outside of their knowledge. What they want is the truth and to be allowed to make a decision. *this is a re recording of 7. The first one was garbage.* Mookie Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

What excites you? Is it the new things you encounter. Is it the old and gently weathered ideas that return every 20 years amongst the collective.How do you find excitement if it isn't through nostalgia? Do you explore different concepts, people, places, and ideas? I challenge myself by approaching life with an, although structured, open mind - my curiosity is my super power. Take the time to find what excites you in life.* Mooke Toujour💜 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

What is love? Like how do you do it? Every since I hade the business management course at Saint Leo online, I've formulated that relationships also adhere to the forming, storming, norming, performing, and adjourning model. Only that storming stage occurs often for some, a great deal often. Also performing comes earlier with all involved. The performing part of the relationship always sets the tone of how hard the storms will be. Were you here for the betterment of your partner or to win an award for best performance? The performance part of a relationship is so important during the storms. Adding the the different scenes up, returns the bigger picture. That maybe the person you thought could be for you was only for themselves. Could you be with someone for the rest of your life if they were only in it for themselves? Would your anger incite them to do something stupidly. I've done some things and they have all been worth it.Love should be kind but love is what love does.* Mookie T This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Being an oldest daughter comes with advantages. You are able to ease into leadership roles naturally. Your foresight is usually pretty good. You can size up a situation immediately upon entering and getting it under control. Chaos doesn't seem to overwhelm you so much as an older daughter. You are also naturally encouraging to those around you.Oldest daughters suffer from feeling lonely when not used for something. It's not easy being a naturally quiet leader. Restless and ready. Who shows sympathy when the same isn't always granted.We do have to grow from that mindset and feel true rest by allowing space for someone else to take up the mantle. In what ways was as an oldest doaughter did you find peace with your duty.* Mookie Toujour💜Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Do you suffer from imposter syndrome? Do you doubt your talent? Do you question whether or not you have the skills for your goals? I do! I imagine my myself waving my hand enthusiastically while asking these questions. I'm struggling against an autoimmune disease to write as it cause me to feel forgetful. I refer to it as my random moments of intelligence. I want to get it checked out, but Im not in the mood to get prodded on and pricked with needles. My body has to really get knocked down before I admit to defeat. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

For the lonely hearts that want true companionship without sacrifice of integrity. Who lacked direction but have now learned. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com

Episode 1 Introduction This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mookiemadeit.substack.com