PD RAW

Flawless shares some harrowing details of growing up in an environment plagued by intergenerational trauma and emotional abuse. She recounts experiences of being betrayed or mistreated by family members, leading to a deep-seated distrust of others. Through these anecdotes, Flawless reveals how early childhood interactions shaped her personality, resulting in feelings of mistrust and isolation.

TRIGGER WARNING: CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSEIn this episode, we meet Flawless, a young woman grappling with the effects of an intense lack of safety in childhood.Flawless outlines the events leading to her formal diagnoses and shares a few reflections on how she is affected by the guardedness of others, revealing some of challenges of maintaining identity integrity when we haven't had the upbringing to develop it fully.The discussion also touches on some cultural influences around levels of emotional expression, drawing contrasts between various cultural backgroundsFlawless also starts to introduce us to some of the events which impacted her childhood., and the episode ends with a brief description of the core criteria for Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

Simone shares her struggles with a dysfunctional family dynamic. Diagnosed with recurring depression and BPD, she wonders if ADHD and autism might better explain her experiences. Raised by a distant, sometimes violent father and an emotionally unstable mother, Simone was thrust into a caretaker role, trying to stabilise her mother's moods. She describes a family environment fraught with emotional dysregulation, a lack of boundaries, and a strong enmeshment, especially with her father's side. This upbringing left her feeling overwhelmed by responsibility and struggling with personal boundaries and self-worth.

TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE, VIOLENCE AND MANIPULATIONLoksat, diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder in his late teens, discusses his why he now thinks that he is more likely to fit the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, and what it was that held him back from expressing himself. He describes his attraction to individuals who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and how these interactions fulfil his drive for idealisation and withdrawal. He dives into the patterns within his relationship with his BPD girlfriend, and his hopes that understanding and working on these compulations will bring them both some resolution of childhood wounds.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF ABUSELoksat was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) at a young age but now, having started to reconnect with his feelings, believes he's more likely to be NPD.He talks about his deliberate manipulations of his BPD girlfriend, what her intense reactions mean to him, and how he finds safety in her acting out.As we dig down into the details of his life, we find powerful factors which have shaped his relationship behaviours, his understanding of the world, and his experience of love.Although the conversation initially might seem like it endorses Loksat acting in destructive ways, it doesn't. Loksat has never known any other way of being, and, as the conversation continues, it starts to become clear that Loksat is aware that he is working through his childhood traumas by recreating them. If we, the Cluster B's who behave in damaging ways within relationships, want to progress beyond those patterns, first we need to understand them. If we are in a relationship and on the receiving end of damaging behaviour, we need to understand it. Knowledge and insight will set us free.

Ilkin was diagnosed with NPD in his early twenties, as well as ADHD and mild OCD. His NPD drove him to achieve in his career, but also to self-destruct. In this second part of his interview, he talks about the negatives of NPD, both in himself and what he has seen in others. He also reveals a program which helped him learn to be honest and vulnerable - one which has the potential to be adapted to help many people with pathological narcissism.

Ilkan comes from a country that was once part of the USSR. He shares his journey of self-discovery and recovery and reflects on the perceptions he held about his own intelligence and how distorted beliefs contributed to his narcissistic traits. Through therapy and introspection, Ilkan learns to embrace his ordinariness, allowing himself to connect more authentically with others and experience genuine joy. The episode provides a poignant look at the impacts of societal and familial dynamics on personality development.

In a candid discussion, support-forum moderator and creator of npd-recovery.com, "Invis", opens up about her journey through addiction and mental health issues, finding growth through communication, respect and the Smart Recovery program. This secular alternative to 12-step programs helped initiate a process of rebuilding, despite setbacks like a dramatic shame spiral triggered by a fragile moment. Invis speaks about discovering the importance of redefining success and embracing vulnerability as a strength, ultimately transforming her personal expectations to live a more fulfilling life.

To celebrate the launch of the new npd-recovery.com website, Its creator, Invisible, joins us to share parts of her journey.In between putting together the free resources available on the website, Invis is also a moderator on a major support forum for people with narcissism - a forum which has over 50K members, many of whom have experience of Cluster B disorders/traits. In her early years, Invis struggled to connect with others and frequently acted out. She received a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Conduct Disorder. Her teenage and early adult years were turbulent, but then a collapse led to the determination to face herself and take charge of her direction. In creating npd-recover.com, Invis drew on both her own personal insights as well as the perspectives she has developed through her important work on the forum.

In this podcast episode, Haifa discusses her diagnoses of borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, giving insight into the challenges and interactions between these conditions. She candidly shares her past struggles with impulsivity, abandonment issues, and the protective role of anger. Haifa touches on her upbringing and her struggles with her demanding mother. Cultural and economic factors are also at play, combining with her family's unaddressed historical trauma to create a painful inheritance. Haifa talks about her relationships, particularly with partners who also have BPD, exploring the intense connection and validation they bring. Now, with a non-disordered partner, she embraces a newfound stability. Haifa's story highlights her journey through therapy and self-awareness, paving the path from a tumultuous past to a more balanced present.

Enmeshed families are said to be created by adults who do not have clear psychological boundaries. These boundaries are part of what helps a child to develop their own sense of self. What is it like to experience a parent who does not have a clear sense of self, or proper internal boundaries? And what is it like from either side of the adult relationships that these children grow up to have?Lucy (NPD with ASPD traits) and Nota (BPD with traits of Vulnerable Narcissism) talk about their own experiences, and how it felt from the inside.For more information about enmeshment and the dynamics of dependence and avoidance, these links might be useful:https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/enmeshment-trauma-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationshipshttps://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/the-narcissists-motherhttps://www.gottman.com/blog/are-you-losing-you-in-the-relationship-enmeshment-detachment-and-differentiation/https://whatiscodependency.com/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/https://www.michaelsamsel.com/Content/Couples/fusion.htmlhttps://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.au/personality-disorder-treatment/borderline-personality-disorder/

Derek is an English teacher who has spent decades running a classroom with strength and confidence. Behind the scenes, he battled the trauma of very painful childhood experiences, but at work, his bravado gave his students a feeling of safety.However, recently, something happened and everything unravelled. The darkness of the past has finally caught up with him.Derek's thoughtfulness and expressive nature allows him to give some powerful insights into what lies inside his disorder.

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you are in a group of people and something really humiliating has happened?Shame is such a deep, powerful emotion. It makes us hide parts of ourselves in order to fit in.Some of the theories about the development of personality disorders are that the young child buries many parts of themselves which their caregivers cannot deal with. These parts become hidden from the child themselves as they develop.It is said that our hidden parts drive us, and we are mostly unaware of this.Some further reading about why people might have hidden parts of themselves:Borderline Personality DisorderNarcissistic Personality DisorderAvoidant Traits

To mark the inaugural NPD Awareness Month, 4 guests joined the creator of this campaign, Reddit moderator Invisible Monster, for a moving discussion about how they experience the disorder, as well as the things they have found which have helped them heal.

Ryan faced addiction, rehab and the breakdown of his relationship as he wrestled with accepting his diagnosis. With the support of a therapist, he was finally able to face his inner turmoil, and now speaks openly about his NPD in an effort to help others and to live with honesty and vulnerability.

Ryan's family dragged themselves up out of poverty, but despite outward appearances, real happiness was elusive. With a second failed marriage, Ryan was forced to look inside for answers.

Guide is a young person affected by a complex diagnosis, but who is facing it with determination and clarity.

In this episode, Tulip sits down for a chat with Who about ASPD and her perspective on the stigma surrounding it.

Therapist Lisa Charlebois talks about treating people grappling with narcissism, what to look for in a therapist and her experiences with a borderline mother.Lisa has been brave enough to be open about recognising that she was a narcissist in college as she was studying counselling, which has allowed many of her clients to drop their barriers and be open with her. She says that narcissistic and borderline issues are much more common than is commonly believed, and that we need to be more open and less ashamed of them. Lisa also has written a book, available on Audible or Amazon, about understanding and dealing with narcissism and offers an online course for people with narcissism who wish to work towards healing.You Might Be A Narcissist If...https://healingyournarcissism.comFor anyone who can't afford the course, these are free resources which I personally found very helpful:https://openlibrary.org/works/OL3954057W/Humanizing_the_narcissistic_style?edition=key%3A/books/OL2738573Mhttps://www.antrodichirone.com/index.php/en/2017/01/11/the-dance-between-two-personality-disorders-a-delicate-relationship-balance/https://depthcounseling.org/blog/ngiam-narcissism-kohuthttps://www.counsellingservicemelbourne.com.auhttps://evolutioncounseling.com/masochism-explained/https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism-and-masochism-are-both-about-control/https://www.emotionenhancement.com/single-post/enmeshment-trauma-and-how-it-impacts-your-relationshipshttps://www.mcleanhospital.org/npd-provider-guidehttps://www.amandarobinspsychotherapy.com.au/articles/npd-recoveryhttps://www.relatenow.co.uk/content/mens-mother-complex-rape-heart

Lisa Charlebois is a therapist who specialises in treating narcissism. Why? Well, she is open about having suffered from it herself.Her openness and non-judging attitude mean that she has been able to help every single person with narcissism who has come to her.That's right – not only is it a possibly treatable condition, it is a very treatable condition, if you know what you are doing and your clients trust you.Lisa has spent over 30 years as a therapist and has working with countless people with narcissistic or borderline issues, or with their loved ones. She has written a book for dealing with narcissism and has recently launched an online course for people to work on healing their own narcissism.Book: You MIght Be A Narcissist If...Website: healingyournarcissism.com

Finn talks about her recent realisation of the possiblity of qualifying for an NPD diagnosis, and looks back at her relationships with a new perspective.

Carl tells us about searching for a diagnosis, how he experiences narcissism, and about his own approach to tackling it. 

Relationships between people with Borderline Personality Disorder or traits  and people with grandiose narcissism are extremely common. What is going on in these dynamics?  Grandiose narcissists and vulnerable narcissists are also a very common pairing. These relationships can be best viewed as occurring between someone with a dominant personality style and someone with a submissive personality style. As someone diagnosed with both vulnerable narcissism and BPD, Nota chats to Mud, who was diagnosed with NPD and has the grandiose version, as they try to unravel some of the strands on this intriguing combination.   Some links to resources for further reading (a "dominant" personal style can also be seen as embodying a "sadistic" personal style, and a "submissive" personal style can also be seen as embodying a "masochistic" personal style:  https://whatiscodependency.com/narcissists-are-codependents-too/ https://www.antrodichirone.com/index.php/en/2017/01/11/the-dance-between-two-personality-disorders-a-delicate-relationship-balance/ https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism-and-masochism-are-both-about-control/ https://evolutioncounseling.com/understanding-the-masochistic-life-solution/ https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadism/ https://evolutioncounseling.com/sadists-need-their-victims-and-would-feel-like-nothing-without-them/ https://evolutioncounseling.com/abusers-need-help-too/  

Casting with yet another participant from the land of british people, Few welcomes on to the cast Early Morning Barking/Richard! The two borderline (and one additionally NPD) males break the ice and delve into some common topics they both hold close to their disordered hearts. They start with the topic of therapy: how does sitting in a room and talking with someone once a week lead to you getting better? What modalities work for different people? What of the (justified) fears of disordered people of the immense destructive and creative potential that therapy poses to their life’s trajectory? * Trigger Warning * Suicide makes an early appearance in the cast, both in terms of the motivations for it, and as an impetus to change in both podcasters lives. Richard’s early life is discussed, as are the environmental factors that heightened the experience of the onset of both disorders (don’t make there be a wrong answer to the question ‘what do you want' when you parent your kids!). Coping strategies and frank honesty of some disordered impulses to aggression are discussed, and how one’s motivation changes further along in the process of self-awareness. Pro tip #37, avoid things that will occasion the walk of shame to the next place to apologize for yesterday’s behaviour. They even get around to discussing ‘multiple indictment man’ and empathizing (not sympathizing!) with the general phenomenon of narcissistic collapse with extreme exposure, and question (hypothetically) the conditions under which such a person could express remorse or how one could hold open space for someone who’d committed such wrongs who wanted to take another path. Between all of this and the witty banter in between, if this doesn’t catch your attention, find another podcaster you enti- ahem, I humbly accept each person’s perspective. Come for the deep disordered discussion, stay for the petty devaluing of one’s peers in group therapy!   

On today’s episode Nota and Few sum up a conversation initially taking place on the forum and now brought to life on the pod, thanks to the largesse of our newest and first patron, temporaryfeeling. The unpaid janitors analyze and reflect on the themes of children’s aggression, the relation between isolation, insecurity, and stunted development to grandiosity, superiority, and devaluing/cultlike attitudes, and how different solutions in different families to the topic of aggression can yield varying capacities for self defence later in life. Significantly, what happens in the child’s development when you hold them responsible or blame them for their feelings as they are trying to work these issues out for themselves, leading to compensating behaviours and attitudes as they attempt to flee the vulnerable position of being the one who is shamed.    To anyone who’s listening who’d like to be on the pod but think the exposure is a bit too much/don’t like the sound of their own voice, please take this episode as indicative of formats Nota and myself are willing to embrace to help people get their stories out there, and a thanks to temporaryfeeling yet again for suggesting it.  

Ruthless talks to Nota about the difficulties of being the Golden Child, and what can happen when a parent undergoes extreme stress. The also discuss cultiural difference, and how the environment you live in can have a major impact on recovery.   

April’s producers have confirmed that she is still in the house after her last episode on misconceptions and so now, we’re going to turn to coping skills/mechanisms/strategies. We’re going to kick off the discussion with unhealthy/dysfunctional coping mechanisms, including a deep dive into April’s (emotional and functional) dependency on alcohol and the real gateway drug, coffee. Discussed at length is also how maladaptive coping mechanisms are used because they seemingly give the external signs of success for situations where one doesn’t have the inner experience, skills, or memories of how to connect with others or oneself functionally. We also touch on promiscuity and depression. Finally we round out the discussion with some neutral/positive skills such as leveraging the skillset/strong sides of one’s disorder, journaling, putting yourself in others shoes, and doing absolutely fucking nothing, lest you become the burn-a-house-down-and-kick-a-dog person. Hopefully the discussion helps us all better weather the varying waves of life and the circumstances and environments that we all find ourselves in. April's socials:  https://www.instagram.com/npdapril  u/aprilmelodyart https://www.youtube.com/@npdapril 

Warning: suicidal ideation, sexual abuse and drug use. Mold has travelled down a number of paths trying to find what works for them, and discovering more and more behind the locked doors of the mind.  

In this episode the Paris Hilton of NPD e-girls u/aprilmelodyart swings back on the pod for a light chat about misconceptions surrounding NPD. What’s the difference between grandiosity and confidence and which does a narcissistic person actually feel? Is the particular state of a narcissistic person fixed (overt, covert, vulnerable, etc)? How does the environment and their state affect the narcissistic person’s ability to be diagnosed/seek therapy? What kind of empathy is it that narcissists actually possess? And can you diagnose a narcissist from their eyebrows? Swing on by to buttress our grandiosity and hopefully enjoy the dialogue. (The audio quality on this episode leaves something to be desired, but that’s ok. We ain’t going for perfect at PD Raw productions, just good enough.)

(Same text as part 1): Alright, so, maybe this episode ain’t so anonymous, cause we have both hosts Nota and Few and super special, not so secret guest Madame Milkshake aka Sarah swinging by for the first group pod to talk about the light, easy to tackle topic of motherhood. In particular, we discuss being a mother while also being disordered and struggling with one’s own inner environment. How does one deal with the painful disillusionments of one’s fantasies and expectations of having a baby and the postpartum depression that follows (in either partner)? What are some of the (self-serving) reasons why disordered people decide to have families in the first place? Where are you expected to accrue the skills for parenting if your own rearing was underwhelming/neglectful/traumatic? And how can you subtly sabotage your children by seeing them as extensions of yourself or being fearful and anxious of their abandonment, therefore acting unintentionally in ways that subvert their capacity to separate, individuate, and securely step into a more autonomous existence? Just in case it sounds a tad dour, we promise that we have some laughs too, like talking about the heartwarming capitalist tale of social media disconnecting and undermining families en masse; Cluster B protecting the V.I.Ps (i.e. you and your relationships) by telling you what to be watchful for from envious, resentful third parties; answering the age-old of question of whether children are like cats and respond to discipline via squirt bottle/water gun; and how to protect your partner from having mr/ms steal-your-partner (i.e. us borderlines) swooping in by not neglecting their emotional needs!    Come on down as we discuss how to move beyond bringing along one’s own inner pain, toxicity, and simple ignorance into one’s relationship with their kids to trying to sort out our own shit to show up better for those who (should) matter most to us.    Link to news article on male postpartum depression 

Alright, so, maybe this episode ain’t so anonymous, cause we have both hosts Nota and Few and super special, not so secret guest Madame Milkshake aka Sarah swinging by for the first group pod to talk about the light, easy to tackle topic of motherhood. In particular, we discuss being a mother while also being disordered and struggling with one’s own inner environment. How does one deal with the painful disillusionments of one’s fantasies and expectations of having a baby and the postpartum depression that follows (in either partner)? What are some of the (self-serving) reasons why disordered people decide to have families in the first place? Where are you expected to accrue the skills for parenting if your own rearing was underwhelming/neglectful/traumatic? And how can you subtly sabotage your children by seeing them as extensions of yourself or being fearful and anxious of their abandonment, therefore acting unintentionally in ways that subvert their capacity to separate, individuate, and securely step into a more autonomous existence? Just in case it sounds a tad dour, we promise that we have some laughs too, like talking about the heartwarming capitalist tale of social media disconnecting and undermining families en masse; Cluster B protecting the V.I.Ps (i.e. you and your relationships) by telling you what to be watchful for from envious, resentful third parties; answering the age-old of question of whether children are like cats and respond to discipline via squirt bottle/water gun; and how to protect your partner from having mr/ms steal-your-partner (i.e. us borderlines) swooping in by not neglecting their emotional needs!    Come on down as we discuss how to move beyond bringing along one’s own inner pain, toxicity, and simple ignorance into one’s relationship with their kids to trying to sort out our own shit to show up better for those who (should) matter most to us.    Link to news article on male postpartum depression 

The common mispereception is that people with personality disorders are unaware of their dysfunction and unwilling to deal with it when it arises. This is, of course, not true. Some people are capable of great courage, and of facing hard truths in order to find answers. Guest Ruthless talks about deception – including self-deception – personas, fleeting feelings of connection, and gives his practical way of finding a suitable therapist.

The outward behaviours that accompany narcissism are actaully a reaction to what is known as the Persecutory Inner Voice - a harsh, critical inner part that attacks the person and their efforts.Mud and Nota are joined by Az to talk about how they experience their inner voice.

Few and Madam Milkshake continue their conversation on a wide array of topics: varying types of relationships (home base, fillers, fantasies, self-esteem boosters); sadism and how it expresses itself in a relationship or to others; vulnerability and feeling weak when one attempts to put down their sadism for someone who doesn't reciprocate; shame-avoidance; and the grief that disordered people desperately try to avoid feeling that stunts their healing process. Find her at:  https://www.youtube.com/@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE 

Generally people are told not to go out and raw dog life, but that’s precisely what Cluster B Milkshake does with the dark side of the human psyche through her channel and contributions. Step into the maze of Milkshake’s mind and the monsters that reside there as we get to know her a little bit better and ask the really meaningful questions, like: Who in life really does have the spiritual, empathetic chakras and halos? Why is repair so difficult in pairings of disordered people and how does an inability to repair or grieve leave one with armloads of glamorous Luis Vuton baggage for the next relationship? What kinds of tests will a disordered person subject you to before getting into a relationship, or just shits and giggles out of envy and resentment? Is it really always about mommy (and sometimes daddy) issues? Come on down and have a taste of the toxic ‘fuck you’ soup (not made for kids) as we try to find a way to come closer to the other side of disorders; self-acceptance, understanding, and ability to connect. *Self-esteem trampolines and backup pedestals sold separately. **Podcast drinking game, spot all the places where the connection cut out and we had to restart our train of thought. 

Highly Sensitive People are thought to comprise around 20% of the population, and are characterised as being more perceptive of, and aroused by, subtle stimuli. While this personality trait is thought to lead to insight, empathy and the tendency to thing things through very deeply, could it also lead to some negative traits as well? Nota is joined by Mud to talk through the connection between High Sensitivity and Vulnerable Narcissism. The Highly Sensitive Person Understanding the Highly Sensitive Person Is The HSP Really a Narcissist?

Warning: this episode mentions substance abuse and cruelty.NPD is well-known for causing pain. Nota talks to Mud, who has helped Nota understand a lot about the more difficult aspects of Narcissism.Both Nota and Mud are fans of Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, and talk about their experiences with it.ResourcesAnd overview of the different types of Narcissistic Personality DisorderHow "difficult" children and adolescents change when placed in positive environments Thinking about how a child ends up turning into someone that hurts someone elseBullying as a protective mechanism 

Might as well call us Alice, because Joella and Few go down a number of rabbit holes trying to understand the underlying behaviours and feelings around finances and how it affects one’s parenting. How can money be an expression of one’s underlying emotional environment? How does insecurity cause one to stay stuck in comforting yet self-defeating loops? What does it mean to have an inner locus of control? And what the fuck does that all have to do with parenting? Find out with us and if we managed to land the plane herein. 

Few and the Nameless Narcissist continue their lighthearted chat about the experience of being a Cluster B.

The Nameless Narcissist returns and the planned conversation quickly goes off the rails.

Few has a discussion with April, a trans woman looking to share her experiences and contribute to the destigmatisation of NPD. They discuss the importance of community and how it helps people with marginal identities, difficulties in personal relationships, and then some of the (parental) trauma involved in April's identities.https://www.youtube.com/@npdaprilhttps://www.instagram.com/npdapril/

There are few topics as exposing and yet as formative to disorders as parenting.In this episode, Few and Joella begin a discussion of parenting involving disordered parents. What does a child wish for from a parent who identifies/is identifiable as such? How does a disordered person reconcile their own fears of vulnerability with a child who is nothing but vulnerability? In the next episode, Joella will bring us deeper into some of the issues that she has struggled with. 

Katja Pavlovna is a British campaigner who works hard to promote the realistic understanding of personality disorders. She is the co-founder of the mental health initiative Sorry My Mental Illness Is Not Sexy Enough For You, appearing on the Lives Not Labels website. She is also a member of The Borderline Bunch, a podcast featuring people who have functionally recovered from BPD.Katja gives us an overview of her projects, takes us through. the arduous process of receiving a diagnosis, and shares some of the tips she uses to manage her symptoms.Sorry My Mental Illness In Not Sexy Enough For You The BPD Bunch Interview with Katja in The Guardian newspaper 

Few meets YouTube and TikTok star the Nameless Narcissist, who has been working away to provide insight into NPD.Nameless is a witty guy, and in one of our most humorous episodes, the pair have a laugh about the difficulties and awkward realities of being part of a disordered family.Warning: self-harm

What are some triggers for collapse? And what are some ways to get through it? Nota and Few continue their discussion about one of the most dangerous and challenging times for people with narcissism, anti-social or borderline defences.

People with personality disorders have built up psychological defences during childhood to protect themselves from pain. But these don't always work. What happens when something overwhelms the defences?

How does it feel to be given a diagnosis of a condition that is so heavily stigmatised? Is it possible to be open in public about having Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Nota and Few talk about the withdrawal of a guest, and the difficulties faced by people with personality disorders in finding acceptance and ways to cope with their struggles.

How do we embrace the injured child within? In this episode, we meet Few, and learn about his history and journey.Warning: this episode discusses child sexual abuse.

What does narcissism feel like from the inside? What is it like to be given a diagnosis of a personality disorder? Host Nota shares her story.