Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

A couple describes their latest fight. Maybe it's how the dishwasher gets loaded, or what time the kids should be in bed, or whether you deal with a problem the moment it comes up or sleep on it first. The details change, but two things are always true: both of them are frustrated, and both of them are certain they are right. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. This episode came out of the last one. I said in passing during the leadership episode that most marital conflict isn't about right and wrong, someone in our forum asked whether I had ever written about that, and I hadn't. So here it is. Most of what you fight about has no morally correct answer. Scripture doesn't specify a bedtime, and there is no commandment about loading cutlery handle up or handle down. Those are preferences, formed by your upbringing, your personality, your family culture, and a thousand experiences your spouse wasn't there for. The trouble starts when a preference gets promoted to a moral issue. Once the fight becomes right versus wrong in your head, compromise stops feeling like flexibility and starts feeling like losing, your spouse's disagreement stops being a difference and becomes a character flaw, and you are no longer negotiating, you are prosecuting. Along the way in this episode: reality tunnels, and why marriage makes them worse rather than better; how Paul handles two live church disputes in Romans 14 by refusing to rule on either one; three questions that tell a preference from a principle; where the guardrails sit, because abuse is never a preference-level issue and agreement is not a moral sanitizer; and four things to do when it turns out to be a preference after all. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:13) The fight you keep having (1:13) None of these have a right answer (2:08) When a preference gets promoted to a moral issue (2:30) Reality tunnels (3:54) Romans 14: the church fight Paul refused to settle (5:45) Three questions: principle, damage, or preference (6:48) Abuse is never a preference, and hurt is not harm (7:39) What to do when it's a preference (9:27) Unity is not uniformity (9:55) Try this Links mentioned in this episode: SWM 162 - What does biblical leadership in marriage actually look like? SWM 037 - where I first talked about reality tunnels SWM 148 - 14 red flags your marriage is drifting The Mirror Game - a simple 4-step communication skill SWM 130 - Building resiliency in marriage How to use conflict to create intimacy Join our supporter forum Send me your question Book a discovery call

I saw a video of a wife listing the things that would immediately end her marriage, and the top item on her list was her husband finding God and joining a patriarchal religion. Not a discussion. An instant divorce. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. And I wish I could say I was surprised, but headship has earned its bad reputation, usually from Christians who read a verse or two and build a whole theology out of it. So in this episode I walk through what I think biblical leadership actually looks like, based not on one or two verses but on the model of leadership that runs through the entire Bible, including how God leads us. Five principles: freedom flows down while responsibility flows up, following is an invitation rather than compulsion, good leaders choose long-term flourishing over short-term comfort, trust gets earned so it doesn't require understanding, and if you have to reach for your authority, you have already failed to lead. Along the way: why the meal-planning question is really about mental load, the treadmill rule my wife asked me to enforce, when a wife should not submit, and why the clearest picture of headship in the Bible is a man on the floor washing feet. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:19) The instant-divorce list (1:57) Five principles from the whole Bible (2:35) 1. Freedom flows down, responsibility flows up (4:01) The meal-planning example (5:06) 2. Following is an invitation, not compulsion (7:39) When you shouldn't submit (10:38) "My wife won't submit" (11:22) 3. Long-term flourishing over short-term comfort (12:07) The treadmill rule (14:46) 4. Trust that doesn't require understanding (18:16) This is not a license for abuse (20:06) 5. Using authority means you failed to lead (22:48) Back to the woman from the video (24:06) Go to the upper room Links mentioned in this episode: What do wives want? A primer for husbands Send me your question Book a discovery call

A husband writes in: seventeen years married, two kids, sex about twice a week, and a marriage he describes as "pretty darn good." But his wife will not try anything beyond the basics, and after years of asking he still does not know why she says no. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. Here is the thing: she did tell him why. Four times. He wrote all four answers down in his own letter and heard them as one refusal. They are not one refusal. "I don't want that," "it doesn't feel good," "it's gross," and "maybe some other time" are four different problems wearing the same coat, and each one needs something different from him. In this episode I work through what each of those answers is likely to mean, including why "gross" is almost always a moral word rather than a sanitary one, what our data says about premarital sexual activity and later sexual satisfaction, and why the detail that gives the whole thing away is not the oral sex at all. It is the flirty text she also will not send. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:12) The question (2:10) Who ends up leading the sexual relationship (3:34) When the higher-drive spouse leads (5:29) She told you why. Four times. (5:58) "It's gross" is a moral word, not a sanitary one (7:43) Premarital acts and the 16% satisfaction gap (10:00) "It doesn't feel good" is a status report (11:14) "I'll never be good enough for you" (13:33) About that eye roll (14:57) The sacred cows (16:17) A note for wives and low-drive spouses (18:44) Where that leaves you Links mentioned in this episode: Ask your own anonymous question Book a discovery call

Scroll social media for five minutes and you will find her: the exhausted wife explaining why she has nothing left for her husband at the end of the day. The world calls it "the mental load," and it is real. But splitting the chores 50/50 does not actually lift it, and this episode is about why. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. The mental load is not a chore problem, it is a leadership problem. When a wife says she feels like she has "another child to manage, not a partner," she is not asking her husband to do more tasks. She is asking to be led. In this episode I make the case that biblical headship, rightly understood, is the solution the world keeps fumbling toward in the dark. We start in the bedroom (because that is where the first complaints usually show up), walk through why "choreplay" falls short, work through what Genesis actually says about leadership and the fall, and land on three concrete levels for solving the mental load: carry less, build a system, and own whole domains completely. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:18) What the mental load really is (2:11) Why it wrecks the bedroom (6:47) Why splitting chores 50/50 fails (9:02) The real fix: leadership, not more chores (10:41) Is headship part of the curse? (14:30) What secular culture stumbled onto (16:24) Leadership is sacrificial, never forced (17:25) Step 1: Carry less (22:42) Step 2: Get it into a system (24:14) Step 3: Own it (including the bedroom) (28:22) Conclusion: the gospel in your marriage Scripture referenced: Ephesians 5:25, Genesis 3:16, Genesis 4:7, 1 Timothy 2:13, Genesis 2:16-17, Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:8-9, Genesis 2:23, Genesis 3:9, Romans 5:12-19, 1 Timothy 3:4-5, 1 Timothy 5:8, Matthew 11:28-30

At our last Couple's Night I mentioned something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria almost in passing, and afterward one of the guys reached out. He had never heard the term before, and it struck a chord, because he recognized himself in it right away. "I struggle with rejection," he told me, "even when I haven't actually been rejected." Check out the blog post here for more details and links. RSD is not ordinary disappointment when someone turns you down. The word "dysphoria" comes from a Greek root meaning "hard to bear," which is exactly right: it is a wave of emotional pain intense enough to feel almost physical, it arrives in an instant, and it lands well out of proportion to whatever actually happened. The strangest part is that the rejection does not have to be real. A curt text, a certain look, a spouse who seems distracted at dinner, or a "no" you are bracing for before you have even asked the question. It is most strongly tied to ADHD, where emotion tends to arrive at full volume, and where a nervous system that has spent years collecting "you're too much" and "you're not enough" learns to flinch before the blow lands. Marriage is the most rejection-loaded relationship most of us will ever have, and the bedroom is where I see this do the most quiet damage. A healthy nervous system files "not tonight" as bad timing. An RSD nervous system files it as "I am unwanted, I am undesirable, I was a fool to even try." Over time the higher-desire spouse stops initiating altogether, and the lower-desire spouse has no idea why, because they never said no to you, they said no to one moment. It runs the other direction too: repeated initiation can land as "you are never satisfied with me." In this episode I walk through the five things that actually move the needle, why letting your spouse in on it is the one that matters most, and why so many people with RSD end up on an SSRI that does very little for it. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (1:13) What Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is (1:59) When the rejection isn't even real (2:40) The ADHD connection (3:16) How RSD shows up in a marriage (4:11) RSD in the bedroom (5:19) What actually helps, five steps (7:04) Medication, and why SSRIs miss it (8:28) You're not woven wrong (11:09) Book a free ADHD discovery call Links mentioned in this episode: Married with ADHD coaching, and a free discovery call Send me your question Book a discovery call

A deep dive into one of the most consistent findings from our survey of over 1,000 married Christians: couples who can talk openly about sex report dramatically higher satisfaction than those who can't. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we cover:Why so many couples stay silent about what they actually want in bedThe communication gap: satisfaction scores by comfort level across manual sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbationWho is actually talking — and how many couples are stuck wanting to but don't know howWhat openly discussing preferences actually does to sexual satisfactionWhy the gender picture is more surprising than you'd expectWhy the silence persists — and how it calcifies over time A note on couples who don't discuss it and are doing fine anywayHow to start the conversation if you've been sitting on something unsaidFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss topics like this with other married Christians, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource for their marriage. You managed to find us; help someone else do the same.

Solo Masturbation - When You Remove the Other Person From Sex. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Today we’re continuing with our Sex as Worship series, and in this post, we’re going to be talking about masturbation, which is a highly contested argument in Christianity. Is it okay, is it sinful, it is helpful or harmful? And before I say anything else, I want to share that I didn’t always believe the viewpoint I’m going to share. Also, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s still an embarrassing topic, and I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. People will unsubscribe. Sometimes I get messages saying they hope to see me in hell. But, I don’t think I can skip it. This is a topic I see damaging so many marriages, so how do I leave it alone? Also, this is my second rewrite. I tried to make the first one more clinical, and after recording it - frankly, I hated it. I was bored from recording it. So, I rewrote it. Let me know what you think. So here we go, take number two. I grew up in a church culture where masturbation was not discussed. It wasn’t encouraged, but also wasn’t warned against. There were jokes here and there, hints and side comments, but more or less the message was that it was private and not to be discussed.

Why Sex Gets Derailed Right Before It Starts. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. From time to time I get questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. I received one a bit ago that I thought would be good to answer in its own post because this is a feeling that’s common to a lot of marriages. I’ve heard this same complaint, with very minor variations, from many husbands and some wives. And like this person, if you don’t know what’s going on, it can lead to some bad assumptions. Maybe this has happened in your marriage. Here’s the question: Am I going crazy or is my wife subtly sabotaging things? I've often pointed out to my wife that there's a clear distinction in how she approaches our plans based on whether it's something she really wants or it wasn't really her idea. I've seen her move mountains and leap over obstacles in some areas of our life together. But in others she's a never ending fount of potential issues, problems and risks. They seem reliably separable into categories of what she really wants and what I possibly want more. One area, I see this and is making me feel like I'm going crazy, is our sex life. If we're going on a holiday and she wants to have a lot of sex, she will plan ahead, bring outfits, lube and be very vocal about it. It's great, fantastic even. If it's a regular day we've scheduled sex, she won't exactly say no, but the likelihood of some kind of ailment popping up just on time is about 75%. Tiredness, tummy/digestive problems, a slight cough or cold; just enough to be a dampener. I particularly enjoy going down on her, but upon approach she will just mention something wrong. (some version of "I haven't washed up" or "I had an upset stomach earlier"). I like to make out, but after the first peck she'll says something like "Not too much though, I was getting some sniffles yesterday". Moreso in the past, she would physically behave like someone who would rather not be touched, as an almost knee jerk reaction to my affection. It's just too much of a coincidence that when we're getting intimate she will bring up some of the most off putting topics in a way that perfectly sabotages the mood for me. Sometimes it'll just be something completely unrelated and left field.

SWM — Sex as Worship: Pornography, Erotica and AI Companions. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. Pornography and erotica have become ubiquitous and socially normalized, and AI “companions” are increasingly marketed as hyper-sexual substitutes. These offer the appeal of intimacy without risk—no rejection, responsibility or vulnerability—yet they train desire away from real people and covenant relationships. God designed intimacy for embodied, vulnerable union within marriage (Genesis 2:24–25; “to know” as in Genesis 4:1). In the “Sex as Worship” framework, aligning with God’s design is worship; deviations declare that we know better. Scripture shows God’s insistence on real relationships, not images or illusions (Exodus 20:4–6). Marriage pictures Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:31–32), and the incarnation underscores embodied presence (John 1:14). Substitutes like porn, erotica and AI reject that design (Romans 1:25). Practically, these fantasies retrain desire through novelty-driven dopamine, dulling normal arousal and escalating content. They reduce relationship satisfaction, weaken empathy, and increase objectification by orienting desire around control, not mutual love. They soothe loneliness without healing it, and intensify conflict avoidance—eroding skills vital to intimacy. Common rationalizations fall short: “It’s better than cheating,” “It’s just a character,” “It helps me cope,” “My spouse doesn’t meet my needs,” “Everyone does it,” “You’re sex-negative,” or “I can separate fantasy from reality.” In reality, formation happens; what captures your brain shapes your life. Relief isn’t healing, and avoidance entrenches wounds. If you’ve been using these, stop and seek accountability. Share with your spouse if possible, involve a pastor/elder or coach, and retrain desire toward your spouse. Neuroplasticity means change is possible; meditate on what is true, noble, pure and lovely (Philippians 4:8). Healing aims at presence, covenant, and embodied love. You were made for more than illusion. Fantasy promises intimacy without pain; only reality delivers intimacy with meaning. God’s design is harder and riskier—but far more satisfying. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum. Thank you to all our faithful supporters! If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference. Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us—help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 155 - Hookup Culture - When You Take Relationship Out of Sex. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.We live in a world that has learned to separate what God never divided.Hookup culture is the next stage of sex stripped of meaning - where bodies meet, but no one truly connects.I’m continuing this series exploring how, when we remove aspects of God’s intent for sex, we end up with all the examples of sexual immorality we see in our world.Last time, I tackled what removing covenant from sex gets you: sex before marriage, and the fallout from that choice.Today, we’re going to push that even further and look at hookup culture. At first glance it might seem like sex before marriage taken to the next level - but that expansion comes with new problems.This isn’t just the removal of covenant - it’s the removal of the relationship itself.Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingSpeak at an event or churchFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 154 - Sex before marriage - when you remove covenant from intimacy. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.In my last episode, I talked about how sex is an act of worship because having sex, the way God intended, gives worth to Him. It honours what He created by using it as He intended.However, our society is doing its best to invert that by taking away elements of God’s plan so as to distort sex. To make it not something that’s worship and creative, but rather destructive to ourselves, to each other, and to society as a whole.So, today we’re going to explore sex outside of marriage, or what happens when you remove the covenant from sexual intimacy.And to be clear, the legal status of the relationship is not the big problem here. It’s the intentional lifelong monogamous commitment to each other. Arguably, many marriages in the Bible are considered marriages simply because they had sex. However, sex is meant to seal a covenant, not substitute for one.Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingSpeak at an event or churchArticle as a PDF (without mention of UncoveringIntimacy.comPodcast mp3Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 153 - Sex as an act of worship. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.The other night, after my wife and I had sex, we were lying there in that sweaty, happy pile you end up in when the oxytocin kicks in. As I often do, I asked her what she was thinking about. She’ll tell you I probably ask that too often, because I’m endlessly curious about what’s going on in her head.Her answer surprised me. She said, “Sex is an act of worship.”I asked her to explain, and she said, “Well, everything we do should be for God. And since you’re the head of the household, just as Christ is the head of the church, then giving myself to you, serving you in this way, is like serving Christ.”That surprised me. I mean, I’ve taught before that sex is about more than physical release - that it’s for procreation, for bonding, for comfort, for recreation, even for warding off temptation. But I don’t think I’ve ever described it quite this way: as an act of worship.So let’s unpack that. What does it mean that sex - sweaty, messy, joyful sex - could actually be worship of the God who created it?Links in this podcast episode:Marriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June - August 2025 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:My wife’s nightclothes are killing my attractionIs using a vibrator wrong?How do I get my husband to initiate sex?Need something to spice up our sex lifeHow does scent factor into spouse selectionRecovery after pregnancyIs using classical conditioning on your spouse wrong?How do I keep myself from becoming distant from my husband? How can I talk to my husband about oral sex?Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Have a Question (form)Join the supporter's forum (donate)Manual Sex & Masturbation SurveyBecoming More Sexually Engaged (webinar)Why masturbation is a problem whether you're married or single (blog)Sexploration ListMarriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

AQ - Oral Sex Norms, Fantasy Guilt & Rekindling Passion. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. We haven’t done a round up of our anonymous questions for a while. These are actually questions going all the way back to January of this year. For those who are new, these questions come in from our anonymous Have A Question page. They have no contact information, and so we only get whatever they put in the text box as we can’t reach out to get more context. I posted the questions in our supporter’s forum where they were discussed and eventually became a blog post and a podcast episode. So, if you have a question of your own you can’t find an answer to, or are afraid to ask anywhere else, you can ask it there, or join our supporter’s forum where you can ask anything you want anonymously as well. But for now, we’re going to get on with these questions. Do most guys enjoy cunnilingus after ejaculation? I don’t have any stats on how many, I’m afraid. I could not find a survey on it anywhere, nor have we asked that question in any of our surveys. I do know that some men definitely do enjoy it, and often quite passionately. Some have been very not-shy about sharing just how much they like it, and also how much their partners (not always married) also enjoy receiving it. There’s another group of men who want to, but don’t, either because they’re afraid of judgement from the partner or because they errantly believe that ingesting their own semen while performing oral sex on their wife is somehow a homosexual act. There’s yet another group of men who want to, but as soon as they ejaculate, suddenly they lose interest - likely because of the phenomenon where what you think is distasteful changes before and after orgasm.

SWM 150 - Control, sex and marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last month, I watched a great video by Gary Thomas and his wife Lisa on how a controlling spirit can harm a marriage. It got me thinking: In Christian circles, we often struggle to define the difference between healthy leadership and damaging control—both in marriage and in our relationship with God.Why is it that surrendering to God is seen as good, but demanding control from a spouse is harmful? The key, I believe, is consent and love. When surrender is freely given and motivated by love, it can bring freedom and joy. But when control is forced, it leads to resentment and broken trust.In this post, I’m sharing some personal stories and lessons we’ve learned about navigating these tricky dynamics in marriage.Links in this podcast episode:Gary Thomas - Substack - A controlling spirit can devestate a marriageSWM 108 - What does the Bible say about hell?Sexual Frequency - Why I don't worry anymoreBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesSexy Photos Course - For Christian WivesBecoming More Sexually Engaged Course - For Christian WivesFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

My daughter's speech - Transgenderism is a lie. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Today we're going to do something a little bit different. For those who have been listening for more than a year, you know that my kids are in 4H and every year they have to deliver a speech. For the last few years, my eldest daughter has been delivering speeches about transgenderism based on her research and her own personal experiences. Now, these are difficult topics, and in a lot of cases, she gets, angry judges who mark her poorly simply because of the topic and her stance on it. And it's easy to think that, oh, that's just her father thinking that she should have scored better, but when a large number of people every year come to her afterwards telling her how impactful her speech was, how they don't understand how she couldn't have placed higher or sometimes at all, when the scoring comes back with no notes, only a bad score, and every year people tell her that she should be talking to churches about this, it's hard to think otherwise. This year we had an elected government official say she should be speaking to the government about this and sharing her perspectives. This year she actually won at the local level and the district level before getting shot down at the regional level, and the same thing happened. We even had people tell us they went to the judges afterwards to ask them if they made a mistake because so much of the audience thought she was the clear winner, and then she didn't even place in the top three, which would have let her go on to the provincial level. During her speech, I saw multiple people in tears in the audience, and I didn't see that for any of the other speakers. So, as has been our tradition for the last three years, we wanted to share this one with you as well in the hopes that it might impact you. So this is my daughter's speech titled Transgenderism is a Lie. Transgenderism is a lie, a sham, and it promises false hope

SWM 148 - 14 red flags your marriage is drifting towards divorce, affairs or lifelong unhappiness. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Have you noticed how quickly disagreements turn into demonization these days? Whether it’s politics, religion, or even marriage, we’ve gotten stuck in a cycle of contempt—where the ‘other side’ isn’t just wrong, they’re evil. And it’s destroying relationships.I see this in my marriage coaching practice all the time: spouses who’ve spent years labeling each other as selfish, cruel, or hopeless. They roll their eyes, assign malicious motives, and show up just to prove their partner is the problem. Once that mindset takes root, digging out takes months—sometimes years.But there’s hope. When couples catch it early—before contempt hardens into habit—change can happen fast. Today, I’m sharing 14 warning signs that you’re heading down this dangerous path. Some might surprise you (like sarcasm or ‘harmless’ nicknames), but the last one? It’s the red flag you can’t ignore. Let’s dive in.Links in the episode:Becoming More Sexually Engaged (Course)Coaching - Sign up for a free callFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 147 - How do you know if you're sexually compatible? Check out the blog post here for more details and links.The most common argument I hear for premarital sex is, "You need to know if you're sexually compatible before getting married. Otherwise, you might end up stuck in a sexless, unfulfilling relationship."And it sounds like sound reasoning.  We test-drive cars before buying them.  We have probation periods for people we hire at work.  We sample foods before purchasing them.  Shouldn't sex, which is one of the most intimate parts of marriage, be tested beforehand to make sure you're a good match?It's a compelling argument that convinces many people to abandon their principles.  It makes you question your morality.  It promises both immediate and long-term gratification.However, it's based on a flawed premise.Links in the episode:Becoming More Sexually Engaged (Course)The Art of Edging (eBook)Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage (podcast)National Longitudinal Lesbian Family StudyLet's talk about sex... and ADHDDeterminants of female sexual orgasmsShould Couples Live Together Before Marriage?Cohabitation Experience and Cohabitation's Association With Marital DissolutionThe Pre-engagement Cohabitation Effect: A Replication and Extension of Previous FindingsFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 146 - Legalistic vs Loving Approach to Marriage - Shifting from Rules to Relationship. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.In my work as a marriage coach, I often see couples transition from one type of marriage to another. There’s no clear line between these states, no set of rules that definitively places someone in one category or the other. Yet, by observing how they handle conflict, express themselves, and interact in small ways, you can often tell which state their marriage is in.A big part of my job as a coach is helping people shift from one type of marriage to another as most issues in marriage are resolved by doing so.Free webinar for Christian wives - Jan 26, 8pm ESTMarriage CoachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

AQ - Handjobs, sex on a full stomach, routines, sex tapes and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Welcome to the new year. I took a bit of a hiatus in December due to travel, sickness, holidays and, honestly, just feeling a bit burnt out. But we’re getting back on our schedules, and I thought we’d kick it off with catching up on our Anonymous Questions. These are questions that have been submitted over the last few months to our anonymous Have A Question page. They come with no contact information, and so all the context we have is what has been submitted. I post them in our supporter’s forum and let them add their thoughts to the discussion. Then, typically every month or so, I gather them up and do a post like this. Without further ado, here are the latest anonymous questions: How do you start a conversation about not having sex with your spouse without it feeling like a total guilt trip? My wife and I are in our 30s and it feels like a rarity for us to have sex. The biggest thing holding me back from having this conversation is that I feel like I’m just going to get pity sex… and that almost seems worse in my mind. I’m not trying to make my wife feel bad but I also want her to have a lightbulb moment of “aha! Sex is fun! I want more of that!” And I know that isn’t just going to magically happen… so basically, I’m stuck. I want it and I want her to want it but I don’t want it if she’s just do it out of pity because that means she doesn’t really want it. Am I making any sense? Is there a solution or a talking point that can bring about understanding without it coming across like a major guilt trip? This actually hits upon a lot of topics, so we’re going to go through them sort of rapid fire, because I could probably do an entire weekend seminar on answering this question. And you’re right, it doesn’t just magically happen - it takes intentionality.

SWM 144 - Why wives have a complicated relationship with sex and what to do about it. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.One of our supporters posted a question in our forum which led to a bit of a discussion on what men perceive as sexy, and it shook the questioner a bit, because it was radically different from what she had been led to believe her whole life.This led into a larger discussion about why women tend to have more hangups about sex than men do.  I shared my thoughts in the forum in a bit of a rant and then realized that I don’t know if I’ve really tackled this a whole lot on the blog and podcast.  If I have, it’s been a few years, so it’s time for a refresher for the new people.So, I’m going to try and make it a little less ranty and a little more coherent and see if maybe I can teach some other wives and women out there a bit about what many men think regarding sex in the hopes that it might help some marriages, present or future.What does the Bible say about hell (and our souls)(blog post/podcast episode)Becoming More Sexually Engaged (course)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Redefining sex - How to have a thriving sex life despite sexual dysfunction. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. I feel like I have some explaining to do. A couple of weeks ago, I shared that lately, Christina and I have started having sex a lot more than usual. We had more sexual encounters last month than there were days in the month. We’re at about 30 for this month already. This has led to some questions by some people. I wrote a large thread in our supporter’s forum to try and answer them all and thought it might be helpful here. Because it goes beyond just an “ask me anything” sort of post. It’s really about how we’ve adapted sex to deal with sexual dysfunction in a way that’s not only positive but actually ends up being more fun and connecting than I think most people’s sex lives are. I’m going to try to adapt a forum thread into a post and see how it goes. If you want to read the original, then you have to become a supporter, and you can search for the thread called “Sex with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation” because there’s more to the thread than this topic, but I’m just pulling out the topic I wanted to hit today in this post. To start off, we’ve dealt with some sexual dysfunction for our entire marriage. Christina has had vaginismus (pain during penetration). I deal with erectile dysfunction most of the time and also delayed ejaculation, which means it’s hard for me to orgasm. Christina also suffers from post-coital depression, which means after she has an orgasm, she tends to get depressed for the next day or two. As such, we’ve had to redefine sex. Most people, I find, tend to have a fairly narrow expression of sex. They often have the same routine - some sort of initiation, some sort of foreplay during which the wife might orgasm, then penetration until he orgasms, then they’re done.

AQ - September 2024 - Exhibitionism, no sex in 4 months, rough sex and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. We’re catching up today on our anonymous questions with those submitted in September of this year. As always, these questions come from our anonymous Have A Question page with no contact information and only the context provided in the question. From that, we kick it around the supporter’s forum for anyone to weigh in on, and then I post my answers in the form of a podcast episode and blog post. Let’s jump right in with question number 1. Me and my partner would never "swing" as we believe it is immoral. With that said, we've had multiple conversations about wanting to be heard/seen having sex or even having sex while another couple is having sex nearby. We've never done it as we are already satisfied sexually, but given that it's come up repeatedly, I've begun wondering about the morality of it. What are your thoughts? One of our supporters, I think rightfully, quoted Matthew 5: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” - Matthew 5:27-28 Now, whether you’re on the side that wants to look or the side that wants to be looked at, I don’t think it makes a difference. Either way, I would consider this a form of adultery.

AQ August 2024 - Transactional sex, no sex due to birth, lube recommendations and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Today, we’re tackling questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. These are questions that people had and didn’t know where else to ask, and they were too shy to send an email. As such, I don’t have any way to respond to them other than through the blog and podcast, and I also can’t ask any follow-up questions, so we go with what we have. Our supporters have also discussed these questions in the forum and shared their thoughts, and in episodes like this one, I share my answers informed by my own experiences both as a husband and a marriage coach, as well as those shared in the forum. These questions all came in during August of this year. Hi Jay, I’ve been following you for a while, and my question is, is it wrong for me to want my wife to adore me during sex? I have a problem with the notion that sex is supposed to be more of a reward for men and that they are supposed to pursue that more so than for women. I want my wife to pursue me. She has told me before that if I do something like a chore etc., maybe we’ll have sex later, like it’s a reward or incentive for me. I find this to be a real turnoff and told her why do you think I would want to have sex? She seemed confused when I said this. I want her to prize me and adore me, not see me as someone who has to work for her affection. For this reason sex has actually lost most of its appeal for me. I don’t want to feel like she’s rewarding me for something when we have sex. I want to feel like this is how we please and satisfy each other. How do I change this dynamic? She’s separated sex from the relationship and turned herself into a prostitute, exchanging sex for other services. She made sex transactional instead of relational, and that’s why you’re not interested. Much of the world now considers only wanting sex in a loving relationship to be an oddity. It even has a name - demisexual, as if you’re only partially sexual if you only have sex in loving relationships. But I believe this is how we’re supposed to be. It’s how we were created. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be turned off by her approach to sex and exchanging it for tasks.

July 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Wife’s love dependent on moodWhy don’t you direct people to God?Can’t seem to manage other positionsWife rejects exploration and being seenNervous about sex outdoorsCrossdressing rehashHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire - The Lion Within Us (podcast)Your definition of gross changes when you're arousedSWM 068 (podcast)SWM 070 (podcast)SWM 099 (podcast)Is it wrong for Christians to crossdress? (post)Healing from crossdressingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 139 - Why won't my spouse do x? I would do it for them. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages - at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it's about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner's inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication. And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.Our latest survey (on the topic of BDSM)Spontaneous desire is a blessing (post/podcast)Responsive desire is a blessing (post/podcast)Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire (post)How to feel "connected" during sex (post/podcast)Desire vs willingness (post)Trapped gatekeepers - blame the guard, not the prisoner (post)Our Sexploration List (resource)Marriage coachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 138 - BDSM Survey Results. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.During July and a bit of August, we ran a survey about people’s BDSM experiences. Depending on who you ask, it was either extensive or just dipping our toes into the topic. In the end, we received over 1,000 complete responses from a wide range of couples, some for whom BDSM is part of their daily life, others who were engaging in BDSM activities didn’t think what they were doing qualified, others who wished they were doing such things but didn’t know how to start, and those who thought it was disgusting that I even considered asking questions about such a topic.or the last three weeks, I’ve spent evenings and weekends digging through the data, coding it, doing pivot tables, building charts, running correlation formulas, and more, trying to get what I can out of it. It’s aptly called data mining because often it feels like sifting through a lot of rocks and dirt just to try and find a nugget of something valuable contained.Today, I’m going to share what I found.K7Fit - 14 Day Energy ChallengeJoin as a supporter to get access to all the survey commentsMarriage CoachingArousal Non-ConcordanceInterested in a Christian BDSM forum/resource? Click here.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 137 - Why we don't spank our children. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last week, Gary Thomas posted an article on his substack on the topic of discipline vs. punishment—not taking a stance but rather offering it up as a controversial conversation starter. Reading it made me curious about something—does your view of hell change your parenting approach? After all, if God is our example, and you believe that hell is eternal punishment, does that then lend to a more heavy-handed approach to parenting versus someone who believes that hell is an act of mercy?I posted that question in our forum, and it then led to a discussion on using physical punishment on children.  I spent a fair bit of time in the last week or two writing on that thread, and so I thought I’d repurpose it here for those who might be curious about how we raised our children.We, Christina and I, don’t believe hell is eternal torture.  We don’t believe such a view is in keeping with the Bible.  We grew up in a denomination that taught it was, and it was one of the reasons we left because the doctrine couldn’t stand up to either biblical scrutiny or logic as we saw it.  If you want to know why and/or argue that stance, I fully welcome you to read the post What happens when you die?  That’s not the point of this post.The point of this post is to share why we don’t spank our children, and now that my children are growing up into adults, what the outcome of such a choice has been.Links mentioned in this episode:Gary Thomas' article - Discipline vs Punishment (Substack)What happens when you die? (Post)Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now To Stop Hitting Our Children (Study)Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses (Study)The Research on Spanking and Its Implications for Intervention (PDF)Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Wife thinks she has to be mean to our childrenGolden showers (again)Wife can’t decide if she loves me or notJust because you’re experienced, doesn’t mean you’re qualifiedHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:SWM 029 - Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drivesBDSM SurveyFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 135 - It's good to try new things. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Most kids, when growing up, enter a picky stage at some point.  Some when they’re toddlers, some when they’re young children, some when they become teenagers.  When our 3rd or 4th kid entered this phase, everyone knew the response when they didn’t want to eat something new that we’d made.  “It’s good to try new things.”  They didn’t have to eat it all but had to try it—a decent try, not a touch to the tongue followed by an exaggerated exclamation of disgust.Teaching children to at least give something new a fair shot, I think, has applications later on in life as well. I often talk to husbands and wives whose spouses simply will not try anything new in the bedroom. One will bring up an idea, and it’s immediately shot down by the “picky” spouse—the one who is perfectly happy with the flavour of vanilla every night.Today, I want to talk about why I think it’s good to try new things - not only when it comes to food, but also in the bedroom - or outside of the bedroom, depending on how much privacy you have.  We’re going to talk about the interplay between dopamine, controlled risk-taking, adventure and trust in marriages as it pertains to sex and more.Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

AQ - Piercings, how not to start a fight, nude photos, nude beaches and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. We’ve had a rough month around here. We lost a bunch of chickens to illness, we had a horse run away, then lost a horse to a trailering accident, and then had to put down another horse due to old age. Then my wife and kids left to go camping for a week and a half, and I’ve been home working on dealing with the farm in the middle of a heat wave. So, if you’ve been wondering what happened to the blog, podcast and emails - that’s what happened. We’ve had a rough time of it lately and I’ve been doing my best to take on more of the load while my wife has been dealing with chickens, sadness over the horses and then being away. So, today is the first day that I’ve got nothing I need to run into town for, no coaching calls, no work emergencies, and while I should be cleaning out some cages - it’s just too hot outside. I know for some 40C (over 100F) isn’t that hot, but for us, it is. I mean, we get -40 in the winter - we shouldn’t have to deal with positive 40 in the summer as well. So, yeah, I’m a bit behind, but we’re going to see if we can get back on track. Christina is coming home Sunday and hopefully, we’ll get back to some semblance of normal. For today, we’ve got a bunch of anonymous questions from May that I didn’t get to answer in June for the aforementioned reasons. For those that are new, these questions come in from our anonymous Have A Question page and so all I get is what’s given in the question. There’s no contact information and nothing else to go on. We kick the questions around in our forum and then I write my thoughts down into a blog and podcast episode, which you’re reading now. One quick thing before we get to that though - we’ve currently got a survey running which I’d love to have your input on. I had asked a while ago what everyone would want to have a survey about, and the answer was BDSM. So, that’s what we’re doing.

SWM 133 - Loving your spouse where they are. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.I often give beginner homework to my coaching clients. A few of them will likely read this and think, “He was talking about me.” You’re not wrong, but you’re also not alone.I give it out frequently because it helps combat some fundamental problems I see in many marriages: resentment, unmet expectations, and continued disappointment. Whatever caused the resentment doesn’t matter. If you want to improve the marriage, you must get rid of that attitude first. Resentment leads to contempt, and once you hit that point, the marriage is on life support, and it becomes challenging to resurrect.Some come to coaching and realize that they have this issue.  They recognize that resentment is an attitude, and attitudes can be changed.  They know they can fix it; they just don’t know how or need some support, some accountability, or encouragement to keep up the hard work of changing that mindset.And it is hard work. Reversing that mindset takes time, effort, and consistently following the plan we co-create. There are ups and downs, backslides, and sidetracks. But if they put in the work, then it does happen. Then the fun begins because now we can make some real progress.Others come to coaching convinced their spouse is the issue and work hard to rationalize and justify their attitude toward them.  They want me to change their spouse so that they can be happy.  Sometimes, they have one foot out the door already, and this is the last-ditch effort to “save the marriage,” by which they mean that if I don’t fix their spouse, they will divorce them.Whatever type they are, they get the same homework. It’s not only the first step to reversing the mindset but also a test to see if they’re coachable.Listen to find out what the homework is.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 132 - Breast implants and body image issues. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.This episode I'm answer a question I received back in February that I forgot to answer. Here's the question:Hi! To start, I just wanted to say thank you so much for what you do! Your podcast has been immensely eye-opening and helpful! Now, to my question.I am in my 30s, and my husband and I have been together for 15 years. There was porn use by my husband that nearly tore us apart, but after therapy, support groups and endless prayer, I am so thankful to say we are stronger than ever, and he has been porn free for over a year now. It has made a profound difference in our sex life, we feel more connected than ever.That being said, internally, I am still struggling with body image issues. It is not all-consuming but it’s enough to bring me to this point. I have been considering breast augmentation for years now but kept putting it on the back burner due to pregnancy and breastfeeding (we have 3 children). I thought I was completely over the idea and just decided to fully accept my body as is until the porn addiction reared its ugly head. As I said, we are past that, and he has made amazing changes for himself and us, but knowing what he watched and the women he chose to view online has made the idea of breast augmentation appealing again.I am not happy with what 6 years of breastfeeding has left me with. My husband says he loves my body the way it is, but I know I would love it MORE if I got the breast augmentation, and undoubtedly, I know he would too, even if he won’t admit it so as not to hurt my feelings.My question is, do you think seeking a breast augmentation for selfish reasons would be sinful? Would God find that to be an abomination of sorts, a sinful act based on my lack of love towards my body? I know I would feel so much more confident. I truly would. And that would enhance our sex life due to my confidence alone. So, would it be a bad thing to do? I have flip-flopped on this for months now. Some days, I am certain it’s a sinful thing to desire and do, and other days, I’m certain that it does not fall in the category of actual sin. An outside perspective would be so helpful, and I’d appreciate it immensely.I know I need to love the body I have, and I do. It’s the slight pains of the past and the desire to feel confident that entices me. Knowing there are verses in the Bible directly telling the man to love his woman’s beautiful breasts makes my heart drop because mine are anything but beautiful. They are used, tired, and barely there after years of sacrificing my body for our children. So, would making them more appealing really be a bad thing? Or would it be no different than purchasing a new sex toy and having fun in the bedroom as husband and wife? Thank you for your time.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 131 - Tips to fight more effectively in your marriage. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last week, I shared a list of ideas our Couple’s Night group had that helped build a resilient marriage. At the end of the call, we still had some time and started discussing fighting more effectively. Again, the group came up with some excellent ideas I want to share today.Because fights will happen, I might even say they should happen.  When I come across a couple that doesn’t fight in any way - that’s a red flag.  It means one or both don’t feel safe in the marriage.  They aren’t able to express their views and opinions. Because if you put two people together for long enough, they will eventually find something to disagree about.Ideally, a fight won’t involve yelling, screaming, hitting, throwing, or anything else like that, but it’s okay to quarrel.So, today, we will discuss how to fight more effectively in your marriage so that your arguments can be a source of growth instead of damage.For more posts about dealing with conflict effectively check out:SWM 020 - 7 Dirty Fighting Techniques That Should Not Exist In Your MarriageHow to use conflict to create intimacyActive ListeningFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Building resiliency in marriage. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. On the first Tuesday of every month, Chris from TheLionWithin.us and I co-host "Couple's Night." Couples from our communities get together to talk about marriage. We discuss struggles, share ideas, tips, and a lot of funny stories. It's an absolute blast. This Tuesday, we got together and talked about resiliency in marriage. There were about six couples in the Zoom call, and I thought they all had a lot of wisdom to share, so I tried to quickly take some notes and thought I'd relay them to you. Because marriages need resiliency, we're going to face struggles. They might be external, like events happening with your job, your family, your friends, and more. They might be internal, such as the type of struggles two individuals face when you put them together for long periods of time for years on end. Challenges are normal, but we need to learn how to face them and not only survive them but, ideally, thrive and grow through them. So, here are the six things our small group came up with. Now, this might seem obvious. After all, we are all imperfect, all sinners and mistakes will be made, whether intentionally or not. Being able to forgive each other and move forward is a necessity. However, knowing that and exercising it in the moment are two very different things.

AQ - Swingers, chastity devices, sex headaches, uncomfortable conversations, flavoured lubes and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. It's a new month, and that means more anonymous questions. For new readers and listeners, we have an anonymous Have A Question page where you can ask all the questions you want to know the answers to but are too embarrassed to ask. Once a month, I gather up the questions and answer them in a blog post and podcast episode. These are the six I received in April of 2024. Before we get to that, this is just a last reminder that we're running a cohort of our Becoming More Sexually Engaged course this spring. The cut-off was officially yesterday, but if you still want to jump in, you have until this Monday - the 6th of May 2024, to join. We won't wait for you, but you can easily catch up. We've got eight wives who have already signed up and are excited to start. With that out of the way, let's answer some questions. We are a senior couple married for 54 years who would like to add some spice to our love life. We have talked about meeting other couples for friendship and fun. We are both Christian and have fantasies about what this would be like. Well, you don't come right out and say it, but it sounds like you're trying to get me to help you justify becoming swingers. I'm not going to do that. I mean, I can't do that and stay faithful to the Bible.

SWM 128 - Marriages require recalibration. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.There’s an old quip about how men get married expecting their wives to stay the same, and women get married expecting to be able to change their men, and neither gets what they want. It’s funny because often, there’s an element of truth to this, which frustrates both spouses.Of course, it doesn’t apply to every marriage, and sometimes the dynamic is reversed, but what is expected of every marriage is that something in the marriage will change.  It may be the wife, it may be the husband, it’s likely going to be both in some ways, and it’s also going to be your surroundings and context.  You’ll get pets, you’ll have kids, you’ll move, you’ll change jobs, change churches, experience illness or injury, suffer losses or experience big wins - whatever it is, things will change.Those changes require a recalibration of the marriage, communication, and a discussion about what it means, what needs to change, and what should stay the same.So, today, we’re going to talk about how to deal with the inevitable changes that come and how and when to talk about them so that you can keep your marriage calibrated rather than running on old habits and patterns that no longer suit your life.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

March 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Why am I not interested in sexy any more after having a baby?How do I get my wife to rest without guilt?Why does my wife dismiss my advice when she asks for it?How do I get my wife engaged in sexual growth?Are men infatuated with their ejaculate?Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Where did my sex drive go?Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 126 - Unspoken nuances of understanding. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Marriage is a cosmic tapestry, a constellation of souls woven into the fabric of time, where vows echo in the heart's language, shaping a journey of shared whispers and laughter. It's a dance of compromise and compassion, a symphony where individual melodies blend into a shared harmony, with time sculpting the narrative of a joint odyssey. Amidst life's tempests, love's resilience is tested, forging a bond that transcends the ephemeral, painting a portrait of unity where intimacy bridges solitude, and shared dreams color the canvas of existence.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 125 - Rethinking Duty Sex. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.I've had a lot of conversations with couples as well as husbands and wives individually lately about what often gets called "duty sex" or "pity sex." For those who don't know, duty/pity sex is when one spouse gives in to sex, not because they desire it themselves, but because their spouse does. They might have sex for many reasons, including feeling obligated, pressured, guilty, to keep the peace or to "get them off their back."The problem is that these negative reasons are often the only ones considered, and so any situation in which one spouse wants sex and the other agrees to it without having an internal desire of their own is seen as unfavourable.But there are some excellent reasons to have what's commonly considered "duty sex" or "pity sex," and often, the conflicts I see in marriages are not that it's because of those reasons I mentioned above but instead about something positive and loving.So, in this podcast episode, we're going to talk about reframing duty sex in those situations.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 124 - My daughter's speech - A vaccine against the epidemic of transgenderism. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Today I've got something a bit different than the usual fare. Last year, for our 100th episode, I had my eldest daughter present her 4H speech as I felt it fit the scope of this blog. This year, she wrote a part 2. She won at her local club, and placed second at districts. So, we thought we'd record a version for the podcast again. Rather than give away any of the speech, I'll just let you read it. If you do want to go back you can read the first speech here.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

January and February 2023 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:The monthly masturbation challengeHow do I make anal sex enjoyable for her?Periods and vacations and sexAging and orgasm strugglesHow do I know if I’m in right?Does fantasizing about my husband make it a shared experience?Condoms for handjobsResources for newlywed virginsHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:FullyLiving.com Marital Mastery Virtual WebinarBecoming more sexually engaged Webinar (for wives)Is it okay to engage in pegging in marriage?Do Christians have sex during their period?Can you have sex during your period?Christians, anal sex and anal playThe DivaCup and why I love it (by my wife Christina)Our Sexploration ListThe Limon by MinnaLife (sex toy - bullet, rumbly and quiet - on a rediculous sale and the last of their stock)SWM 082SWM 085Intended for pleasure - Ed and Gaye Wheat (book)Married Sex - Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta (book)Book reviews I've doneFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 122 - How to make your spouse more attractive to you. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.If you look online, you can find tons of videos, articles, podcasts, products and more about how to make yourself more attractive to your spouse or potential partners. I mean, it's everywhere. You can also find resources to help you make your spouse more attractive by changing them. What you don't see much of, though, are resources to help you change your mindset to make them seem more attractive to you without changing them.We all know the phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," but rarely, if ever, is it used to recognize that you, as the beholder, can change what you're attracted to.Upcoming Events:Marriage Mastery Virtual Summit - I'm speaking at 3pm EST on March 9th, 2024 about why you should have a varied sexual repertoireBecoming more sexually engaged webinar - for Christian wivesResources:37 Questions for spouses to ask each other about sexOur Sexploration List - SampleFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 121 - Why marriage should be hard work. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.I made a post on social media some time ago saying, “Marriage is hard, divorce is hard, choose your hard,” and someone asked me if I then disagreed with some other bloggers and podcasters who say that marriage is and should be easy.  This post expands on what I wrote in response to that question.There is a trend these days to water down Christianity and make it easy.  In the times of the early church, being a Christian meant persecution, possibly even death, and they still willingly took on that challenge.  These days, people want Christianity to be comfortable and easy. We see many churches that are more social clubs than ministries, many pastors who are eloquent speakers but not doers of the faith, and many teachers who scratch those itching ears by telling you that being a Christian should be easy and comfortable.For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables. But you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. 2 Timothy 4:3-5 (NKJV)We see some of this in the prosperity gospel, but also elements of it bleeding into mainstream Christianity. Even if they claim to reject the prosperity gospel on the surface, aspects of it still infect their teaching.In particular, I see this in the teaching about marriage.  Some few are teaching that marriage is and should be easy.  So, in this post, we’re going to tackle this false teaching and explore why it’s false and what that hard work is so that you can have a fantastic marriage, not because it’s easy, but because the work is worth it.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 120 - How you may be making your birth control methods ineffective. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.A few years ago, I was talking to a client during a coaching call, and we got off on a bit of a tangent about condom use. I explained a few ways that people tend to lower the protection of condoms when they use them. He was, well, shocked because he'd done many of them and had no idea that every time he did that, he was increasing the chance of conception.And so, I've had this post idea on the back burner for quite a while until last week, when I mentioned in response to an anonymous question that if you don't want kids, you shouldn't have sex because even condoms and birth control are not perfectly effective when used correctly - and most people don't know they're not using them correctly.When I posted that, one of our supporters asked if I could write that post, so here we go, because, well, my supporters do so much for me, I'm happy to help them out.In this post, I'm only talking about the birth control effects, not the effect this could have on STDs/STIs. I'm also not going to address every birth control method, just the three I hear about the most. I’m also not going to be discussing natural family planning, but that is, at best, a delay method, not a method of birth control.So, here are things you may be doing to mess up your birth control plans.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

November and December 2023 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:How do you use a vibrator?Is roleplaying marriage a sin?Will a dildo make me unsatisfied with my husband?Wife makes excuses about everythingWhen to start talking to your kids about sex?Wife caught me watching pornIs masturbation without porn a sin?Here are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Introduction to Talking DirtyMarriage CoachingWhy masturbation is a problem whether you're married or singleFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

In sickness and in health. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. The traditional wedding vows go something like "I take you to be my wife/husband, and I do promise and covenant, before God and these witnesses, to be your loving and faithful husband/wife in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live." Unfortunately, I don't remember my wedding vows. I remember picking some. I remember memorizing them. I remember reciting them, from memory, during the wedding, despite having the flu and a fever. But nearly 23 years later, I don't remember what they were. I'm sure they contained something like "in sickness and in health," though. This past month, we got to test those vows. For those who are on our mailing list, you know I've been dealing with a pinched nerve in my back, which has left my one leg nearly useless and in a lot of pain. It's been about a month now, and I am, just today, starting to walk sometimes without a limp, and I just started driving again. I still can't walk far - my leg gets sore and tired after only a couple of minutes of being on it, but the pain is down to achy instead of "I want to cut my leg off." So, I'm making progress. But the last month has been challenging. For myself, well, it's been painful - my nerves are short-circuited, so it hurts in varying degrees randomly, the muscles cramp randomly, and part of my leg is numb.

SWM 117 - Why do I want sex when I'm sick? Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Well, it’s winter here, which means cold and flu season.  So, of course, the last couple of weeks, it’s been rolling through our family of 7.  Christina and I were the last to get it, and it seemed I got it worse than her.  She complained about being sick but still working out multiple times daily (playing Supernatural on the VR - in case any others are fans).  For me, I was barely making it through my desk job and not making it some days.But at night, we’d crawl into bed, and I was still interested in sex, I think more than usual even - her, not at all.  That made me wonder - what is it about being sick that makes me want sex more?Unfortunately, my head was too fuzzy to research or write an article; here we are, a week later, and I’m ready to tackle it.  So, let’s dig into being sick and sex and why some may want sex when they’re sick, and even more so when they’re sick.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 116 - Why do I always have to tell my husband how to help? Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Lately, I've noticed a trend on social media where famous creator couples make videos of the wife telling the husband that visitors are coming over and they need to prepare. In response, the husband goes and starts cleaning out the attic and crawlspace, going through keepsakes, and performing other tasks that do little to achieve the intended goal of getting ready for guests.Of course, they're doing it as a light-hearted joke, but it points to a common conflict in marriages - women often feel they have to ask for the same help repeatedly. Even in the non-hyperbole versions of these videos, the husband typically mows the lawn, cleans the driveway, and fixes issues in the front of the house, such as rewiring a light. In contrast, the wife worries about cleaning the house's interior and preparing food. Invariably, the wife gets upset that he's not helping with what she sees as important tasks.And in media, be it TV, movies, or social media, they all generally side with the wife.  The joking videos mentioned above always point and laugh at the men. Why is this?  Is it just that men are inept?  Are they blind?  Inconsiderate?So, here are my ideas of why this happens - which you are welcome to disagree with in the comments.Interested in our Intimacy Advent Calendar? Check it out here.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Strapons, Exes and Foreskins. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Well, it’s November, so it's time to get into the questions we received in October from our anonymous Have A Question page. As these are anonymous questions, all we get is what they submit. I post them in our supporters’ forum, we discuss them, and then I write up my responses on a blog post and release them as a podcast episode. Before we get into the questions, though, we’re getting closer to Christmas, and this time of year is when I put our Intimacy Advent Calendar up for sale again. So, if you’re looking for a gift for your spouse, then check it out. It comes in three flavours - the romantic set, which has a bunch of non-sexual activities; the sexy set, which includes all the romantic cards and a bunch of sexual ones; and the black-label set, which has all the others, plus many more adventurous choices. So, whatever your dynamic, there’s something for you that I think your spouse will appreciate. And now, let’s get on to the questions. I have a fantasy about using a strap-on on my wife. The idea is I could go for more time than with my real penis and maybe stimulate her to an orgasm. Also, it seems fun to try a bigger than real-life one and see if it feels better for her. I love getting her to orgasm; it is the best ever! I'm pretty sure my wife would think that a little strange. I have floated the idea before and got that vibe. Sometimes, my ideals of what sounds sexy aren't so sexy in reality. What do I do with my ideas, or how can I find the sexy ideas my wife is interested in? She tends to just want simple and fast. If I ask her about fantasies or ideas she'd like, it's mostly nothing. I feel like I have a lot of creativity for sex, but need to tune how I use it better, but can't find what she likes, and she doesn't seem to know either. There are a few things I want to hit with this question.