That Checks Out

The guys discuss how age matters more than you think engaged deep in the trenches of war, when taking your work home with you will actually relieve stress, and why a Coleman Thermos and Colon Thermos are two totally different things. 

The guys discuss how absorbent a sandwich can be in an emergency, when you only came for the eulogy but you stayed for the snacks, and why failing to properly inspect your free scarf will get you killed in Germany. 

The guys discuss how see through ponchos foil nearly all Japanese convenient store robberies, when being too fat will definitely cost you your donkey privileges, and why it’s so important to know which half of the Jello contains the urine.

The guys discuss why you should definitely eliminate salmon from your diet if you’re allergic to cocaine, when the right window treatments can prevent you from accidentally keistering an outdatedbrick phone, and how a noise cancelling shed next to a bus stop is all but irrelevant if you can’t convince your wife to “list it”. 

The guys discuss how a defective port-a-potty will ruin your sex life, when having “special socks”  makes playing left field for the Mets at 50+ a possibility, and why having sex with your neighbor 72 times almost always results in a lawsuit. 

The guys discuss why poorly hydrated goats will never be seen as attractive, when the inability to turn the pages of your diary inevitably means you’re going to die a virgin, and how much you should expect to spend to watch three strangers pleasure your wife to the point of tears while you hold her hand. 

The guys discuss how not everyone is designed to be an athlete, when safely navigating a boat trip relies not only on sidewalks but traffic patterns, and why being the smartest in the room and naked doesn’t protect you from “flying rats”. 

The guys discuss why you should always deny responsibility for the contents of your rectum, when having wheels means you don’t get line cuts, and how sifted muffins can be the leading cause of flesh wounds in at least one American household. 

The guys discuss how consuming Big Macs will inevitably constitute as birth control, when keeping your rotisserie chicken and karaoke machine dry is NOT the largest obstacle you’re being faced with, and why it’s better to die 130 years early than become a parent following a Tsunami. 

The guys discuss how much aluminum foil is necessary when jousting a Buick, when three wishes won’t make your oil light go out, and why not paying for your horse to ride the subway totally prevents you from handing out your golden pocket candy. 

The guys discuss why it is imperative to vet your wizards properly prior to completing any financial transaction, when is the best time to interact with nocturnal, wallet-less, lowballing vampires in need of transportation, and how “breaking off a piece” of 12 tons of Italian KitKat bars leads to a delicious black market. 

The guys discuss how urine soaked toasters make it nearly impossible to recoup your security deposit, when a perp can elude the police with a simple belly rub, and why a qualified Ball Rep and full ball sack increases your chances at $100,000. 

The guys discuss how the hands up on Ted’s hips means not one goodbye shall be heard,  when the “flopping” and “slapping” all but guarantees you’re going to give up that ambulance, and why “Those ARE supposed to be out!” was Damon Hasslehoff’s entire campaign platform in getting elected as Berlin’s Public Pool Commissioner. 

The guys discuss how the hyena’s extinction can only be prevented through simultaneous flipping, when creating a sound drop for a wildly popular podcast that is heard by dozens does not offer you infinite immunity to add to your exotic bird collection, and why it is so important to open every card from (Ba)Nana prior to litigation. 

The guys discuss how to properly disarm an 8-inch WW1 artillery shell, when a Pizza Surprise Attack will definitely confuse two grown men TWICE, and why not responding to your doctors requests made in random different voices merely confirms consent. 

The guys discuss why it is virtually impossible to fight “mirror demons” without a Feng Shui stick, when a one rock promise and a new thrift store wardrobe all but guarantees you the lead in a catchy pizza promotion, and how a naked man missing half of his sub sandwich still somehow has access to infinite Slim Jim’s. 

The guys discuss how watching someone fish could lead to a lifelong romance, when pushing your spouse off a cliff seems easier than consummating the marriage, why a universal remote goes better with wings than bleu cheese and celery. 

The guys discuss how almost all known statue related deaths revolve around  jealousy, when two hundred feet of extension cord and a Dyson will definitely get you a misdemeanor, and why Damon believes his tectonic plates must be shifting. 

The guys discuss how honey buns are the leading cause of prison breaks in Romania, when a comped order of mozzarella sticks will earn you hero status, and why pills in the 1700’s would often crawl away before being ingested. 

The guys discuss why a prison sentence will never stand between Donna and her “eternity”,when you can have $6 worth of fun with $4 worth of lettuce, and how bringing a $30,000 harp to the beach usually leads to meeting a lifeguard. 

The guys discuss why shark selfies are the #1 cause of lost Peace signs, where is the absolute most ignorant place to stand when determining your boyfriend is faking being a realtor, and how when one door opens it will also be closed by Doug. 

The guys discuss how a secondhand heart doesn’t make you bulletproof, when pink eye from a pastor might just save your life, and why an “agitated” alligator and a pocket full of sauces doesn’t always guarantee free chicken nuggets. 

The guys discuss why it is so crucial to know the passcode to your lady’s lingerie, when “Ted” becoming “Tom” during a space shuttle landing equates to infinite wealth, and how storage fees on a Boeing 737 are actually way more reasonable than you might think. 

The guys discuss how the decision of “soup or salad” will always set the tone for sexy time that night, when getting the mail absolutely becomes your most death defying daily experience, and why having a quality alarm on your kayak can prevent a permanent nap when mountain climbing. 

The guys discuss how a monkey with money is never hungry or horny, when a wedgie eliminates neck pain. and why an exploding nana leads to military dominance. 

The guys discuss how the best way to determine a man’s wealth is by the direction of his zeros, when 5 stars and a shart guarantee crispy southwest egg rolls, and why you can never pack too much animal genitalia for transcontinental flights. 

The guys discuss why sharing a scoop of cottage cheese and half a tomato guarantees you’ll be at every PTA meeting, when kicking over a stroller will save you from being scammed, and how broken buttons are the leading cause of infidelity in Texas. 

The guys discuss how Jamaican enchiladas guarantee a successful marriage, when scoring 200 points during a robbery will only make the dog laugh at you, and why even the thrill of peppermint cannot save Damon and his self-proclaimed adequacy. 

The guys discuss how sultry train videos can be an acceptable substitute to funky minge, when arson can be considered foreplay, and why launching dipping sauces into space is about to become an acceptable normality. 

The guys discuss why it is so crucial to clock out prior to any workplace scuffle, when a chance meeting in Costa Rica instantly becomes deadly, and how Damon’s probably not a whale but definitely a mutant. 

The guys discuss how a very lucrative Ponzi scheme can easily be formed by just clearing out your unwanted organs, when homemade currency and/or ID card should immediately raise suspicion, and why you should never buy your weed from Tyler. 

The guys discuss why an overly generous employer makes going home nearly impossible, when hearing "just don't get it in his eyes" initiates a prayer for pepper spray, and how pork-filled sky scrapers will inadvertently regulate the price of a cup of coffee.

The guys discuss how being inquisitive about the location of a butthole can coax any teenager out of their room, when LOCATION is the single most important factor for proper interpretation of a cleverly titled 50K race, and why teaching a beaver to pull a rip cord is imperative when re-wilding Idaho’s wilderness.

The guys discuss how one man’s hatred of chivalry led to a revolving entrance, when it is no longer necessary to return a borrowed snorkel, and why the time of day should absolutely dictate the value of material items. 

The guys discuss how Debra’s herpes comparatively have little effect on you getting your McNuggets, when stovetop flatulence needs to be addressed in your dating video, and why you should never exit your vehicle on the overpass to intervene in an abduction. 

The guys discuss why the best way to avoid eating dry cereal is to get yourself two VR headsets, when curbside vending truly defines the wealth of a rural community, and how a total unwillingness to pay the pizza delivery girl almost always results in death. 

The guys discuss how a birthday celebration where the pig skins were completely irrelevant lead to them "banging", when an extremely strong orifice and an ill-advised lift ends a first date with an ER visit and broken fingers, and why there is no breathalyzer needed once you see the aviators and Barbie Jeep.

The guys discuss how Google Maps grossly overstates the availability of commercial air travel, when a strategically placed bagel and raincoat automatically grants you additional vacation time, and why a coworker hugging a printer all but guarantees the demise of an entire room full of puppies. 

The guys discuss how late fees will still accrue even after grandma has passed, when a missing chair unlocks supernatural abilities in the realm of seating arrangements, and why Damon will never be kicked out of any public pools.

The guys discuss how “anywhere” has an approximate range of thirty feet, when sleepwalking in the proximity of a Puracchio could result in bodily injury or maybe even death, and why you cannot acquire 2600 liters from one single milking session.

The guys discuss why once a discount is initiated on a used cot it is no longer necessary to disclose the terms of the prison sentence, when a burka and Air Jordans almost always guarantee a disqualification, and how science supports a very high percentage of sleeping koalas are extremely horny. 

The guys discuss how it costs Google $12,000 per wang on their maps, when the proper location of a Brazilian break room can foil any escape attempt, and why it’s a terrible idea to give monkeys the high ground. 

The guys discuss why it’s imperative you wait for the train to stop completely  before disembarking to prevent a tiger mauling, when allowing your husband to pack your parachute is an awful idea, and how an expression of praise to acknowledge good behavior or obedience might get you punched in the face. 

The guys discuss how many meters of pizza guarantee no dessert, when a bowl of ice cream might result in a broken hand, and why you should never hold your dad’s hand on the 4th of July. 

The guys discuss how a paternity test was almost needed at Catfish Daaaaaayyyyyyzzzz, when only one breast is permitted at a Kentucky water park, and why being unaware AND stupid is far more lucrative than 34 years of wrongful imprisonment. 

The guys discuss how one Japanese sticker can initiate a roundabout on any given roadway, when a dog’s brick is worse than his bite, and why a 3:00 A.M. bathroom break could lead to a felony if not executed chronologically. 

The guys discuss how much you should expect to spend on a photo to assure that icing will not desecrate the autograph, when the matching bracelets from your first date mean so much more than the felonies they represent, and why having an extra "cat cubby" will seem monumental when abandoning your newborn and the bin is full of teenagers.

The guys discuss how Spanish sand castles can incur fines, when Swiss urination violates noise ordinances, and why the Australian roll call process is extremely flawed.