PODCAST · kids
The Paternity Test
by Matt Boresi, Dave Engel and Todd Jay
The podcast about three men diagnosed with chronic fatherhood.
Episodes
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Episode 65: Old Mister Buttwater
Context alert!! This episode was originally recorded back in mid-June, during the height of the BLM protests. It's been held up in the works for various reasons, but we think it's pretty good and worth a listen. It involves diarrhea, so what's not to like! We want to hear from you!!! Send us an...
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Episode 64 Part 2: Artisanal Quarantine Caramel
Episode 64 Part 2: Artesianal Quarantine Caramel The Dads continue to discuss their quarantine survival tactics, from moving woodpiles to Todd’s craft caramel and mask making. 80’s corporal punishment comes up - remember the paddle? Dave goes to the dump - perhaps to dig up some ET cartridges....
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Episode 64 (Part 1): People or No People
Episode 64 Part 1: People or No People All it took for us to bring back the podcast was having absolutely nothing else to do! Todd, Matt, AND Dave, AND special guest Joel all are all here, (You get Curly and Shemp!) and they’re trying to keep their broods occupied in the long quality time…
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Episode 63: Mover Scott
The Dads are back? The Dads are back! And they brought along a special friend - Scott Durbin from Imagination Movers! Todd and Matt talk about where they've been (Todd moving, Matt getting angry about airpods). They're older (Todd needs to hold onto furniture to stand up, and Matt looks like a...
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Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat
Episode 62: Hack My Thermostat They Dads are back, farmer-tanned and ready for action. Todd is getting good at small talk in his old age, but is it a sign of cognitive decline? And Todd can’t convince his soulless wife to cry along with him to sappy Dad songs. Meanwhile, Matt debates bringing his...
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Episode 61: An Excessive Amount of Magic
Why do Todd and Matt smell like lamb chops and adrenaline? A trip to a Brazilian steakhouse – full of traps to destroy your sausage party, like biscuits and cheese. GET THEE BEHIND ME, BISCUITS! In a post-Easter, breakdown, Todd and Matt are skeptical of the recent poll of “top jelly bean flavors...
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Episode 60: Nature's Bounty
“Pony Up Daddy” is the new Dad saddle that allows your child to humiliate you in comfort. Did we need this invention? In “Health Beat”, Todd halves his Jube Gel intake and goes into weight loss freefall. But where to stop? Speaking of which, Todd bought some dubiously named workout drinks that he...
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Episode 59: Bacon Fire
The Dads clue into the next big teen sensation – sucking on Nintendo games! Watch out, jenkem and butt-chugging! In “How the Better Half Live”, Matt tried to figure out his wife's rubric for watching TV: How can Westworld not be good enough if Teen Wolf is??? Oh, and Matt goes full Todd and buys…
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Episode 58: A Hot Cup of Give Up
The Dads great up for Paczki Day 2017 (this was recorded last week) – but will Todd put his weight loss over his heritage?! I mean, he already drinks tea instead of having dessert. “Planes to Catch and Bills to Pay” is a big one today – as Todd goes to his LAST Daddy Daughter Dance. (sniff)…
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Episode 57: #ShelterInPlace
Todd and Matt reminisce about failed extreme football leagues past. Is there still a lingerie bowl? Matt's got an addendum to “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven”, as Viva worries about the soul of her stuffed puppy. Does Cool Pope Francis have a loophole? Then we turn to “Scary Clowns and Filthy...
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Episode 56: The Wrong Side of 40
Criss-Cross Applesauce? Sitting like a W? A Paternity Test investigation into how kids sit today. In “Talking to Your Kids About Heaven” - Viva's heaven is a lot like a production of “Starlight Express”, and Matt and Professor Foster go to war with the gods. Matt buys some “Inside Out” toys, but...
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Episode 55: Dirty Florida
Happy New Year! Welcome to the start of another year of fake radio from Todd and Matt, the best friends you never met! New Year, New You for babies, who should now be eating... peanuts?! And Todd is dosing his dog with a peanut dust that would never make it through TSA. Speaking of Todd, he's…
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Episode 54: The Magic of Scrimshaw
The Dads talk about last minute shopping, where Todd grabs whatever fits his price point, and Matt grabs appetizer platters. In Health Beat, Ellie starts getting sick just before the holiday trip, and the Jays start mainline uncut Colombian Caveman multivitamin. First you get the Barneys, then…
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Episode 53: Wearable Yogurt
Thought the "wet red bread" Facebook recipe videos were gross? The Dads just found the cocktail version, "Tipsy Bartender". Anyone for a Pokeymans Mudslide? Matt tries to watch some holiday TV but find "the Santa Paws" impossibly maudlin. At least he learned empathy for Christmas Frankensteins....
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Episode 52: Shareable Bread
Can you handle your Marijuana Gummies? Illinois teens sure can't. Let's hope they never touch the brown acid Gobstoppers. Ellie's history of being neglected for her brother's sporting events culminates in a bleacher birthday party, and adult coloring book, and a Jersey Mike's sub. Laser Tag in an...
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Episode 51: Yes, Virginia, There is a Lobster Claws
In this festive episode, Todd decorates for Christmas, Halloween, and Thanksgiving at the same time – enjoy a cornucopia full of spooky peppermints! Meanwhile, Matt convinces some international students to put up his decorations to.. broaden their cultural horizons? Todd's wife leaves town for a...
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Episode 50: Too Many Bits
It's out episode 50 Underwhelm-tacular! We can't get the NES classic and we'd be happy to sit in a parking lot all night watching the Godfather trilogy and waiting for it. Todd uncovers the cruel world of teenage Instagram curation and it is a harsh reality. Hey, how many hipster and geek dad...
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Episode 49: Liquified Pumpkin
We're guessing you could use a laugh right now… Todd and Matt talk to you from the "before" side of the election with tales from Halloween – how do Todd's aging kids manage their transition into obnoxious trick or treating teens? And just how many Halloweens does Principessa Viva get to have?!...
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Episode 48: Your Feelings Are Valid, Charlie Brown
The Dads, along with Viva, parse the abusive language of “It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and examine the less popular entries into the series, like “Life Aboard the Mayflower Was Hell, Charlie Brown”, and “The Carter Era Was a National Malaise, Charlie Brown”. In “Scary Clowns”, the Dads...
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Episode 47: Meat Jenga
If the meat tower topples, everyone loses. I hope you all realize that we were tracking Scary Clowns long before they were the new Shark Attacks. We have always been here for you, in our Clown Proof Bunker, waiting with open arms. Todd has lost 20 pounds on the “Overpriced Herb Capsule and...
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Episode 46: Scary Clown Heat Map
If the clowns haven't carved out your innards with a balloon sword yet, it's time for a new episode! Matt has moved onto a college campus and is deeply ashamed to have left the city. What's a metrosexual without the metro? Just a “sexual”? Todd watches the debates with his kids and becomes so...
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Episode 45: My Mind's Nose
The Paternity Podcast is the only podcast about brunch-flavored candy corn you'll ever need. It's an old bit but a good bit - Todd's up to Tooth Fairy business again – and stuff just got real with Ellie's investigations. Are Chicken Fries fries? Are Cheetohs toes? Are Cheetoh Chicken Fries gross?…
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Episode 44: Fat Level Red
Is Yelp going to date itself by listing Pokestops and places which accept corrupt fake electronic currency? Todd’s cloister bell has gone off signaling he has surpassed his maximum acceptable level of obesity. Kelly has suggested he start taking her wildly expensive shakes full of pretend…
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Episode 43: Hot Veals
It's our first show officially a man down. We're sad about it – but we're funny clowns who only weep on the inside – so we think we've put together a funny episode for you! The Olympics are over, but not before the world got to enjoy a world-class walking-fast-while-wiggling-your-butt competitor...
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Episode 42: The Amish Touchscreen
Welcome back! It’s been a while, but here we are, in all our middle-aged glory. Pokemon Go is sweeping the world. Except for Syracuse. And the Western Suburbs. And… Matt may have murdered a bird by climbing a tree. At 41. In climbing gear. He used climbing gear to climb a tree. Then all of the...
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Episode 41: Live from First Ascent Chicago
This week Matt podcasts live from First Ascent Chicago with special guest Taylor Wood, a fellow blogger for Chicago Parent. Join them as the discuss the corporatization of Lemonade stands, the cut throat underbelly of parking in Chicago neighborhoods and don't miss the on-air epic battle between...
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Episode 40: Blister Cream
Welcome back! Dave's asleep again. Somehow, Matt and Todd pick up the pieces and move forward. Todd swears by Menthol Gold Bond on his inner thighs. He just can't seem to find the best angle by which to powder his groin. America's love affair with Hamilton has probably reached its half-life, but...
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Episode 39: Live at Brooklyn Boulders
Matt and Todd record live at Brooklyn Boulders Chicago while their daughters preview Brooklyn Boulders Summer Camps and the Dads contemplate what they'll break first. Will it be their harness, the wall or their legs? They also explore other types of summer camp offerings, including one that will...
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Episode 38: Mistress Todd's Basement of Pain
Welcome back! Matt's got a man crush on broasted chicken. He finds a new broasted place by Todd's house, which happens to be the home of...a burger? Matt goes to an auction for his kid's Pre-K. Cue drunk bidding and keys in the fishbowl. Dave defends the existence of margaritas. Todd's…
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Episode 37: Mars Cheese Castle
Welcome back! It's been a while. Matt hates New York-style pizza, but all the dads admit that the Brooklyn pizza box made out of pizza isn't the worst idea ever. Matt took his daughter to the Rainforest Cafe and Mars Cheese Castle in the same day. Tons of kitsch, tons of crayons, and, because of...
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Episode 36: Victoria Secret's Rapture
Suzy Qs are back, and they're even bigger garbage than the ones from your childhood. Dave saw Magic Leap augmented reality, and realized that it and nothing else is the future. Then he threw his Oculus Rift in the toilet, because really, what's the point? Todd bought his wife perfume, like a...
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Episode 35: Come Play With Us, Danny
Welcome back! Long time, no talk. It's been so long, Todd forgot Dave was on the show. Todd just got back from Italy, where he had a delightful lunch in Sienna where people abuse horses. And out of 70 kids who went with him, he only had to leave one behind! Aside from the lighter trip back to the...
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Episode 34: Emotionally Violent Sushi
Welcome back! Wow. Hulk Hogan got a massive settlement from Gawker. Too bad Death has no other 80s wrestlers to visit. He better spend it soon. Dave doesn't yell at strangers anymore. This leads to a great story about Matt and a steak knife. Speaking of Matt and eating utensils. Matt can't handle...
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Episode 33: Reagan Wasn't Shot
Welcome back! Kids today don't know the difference between the 80s and 90s. To them, Michael J. Fox and David Spade are the same person. Lionel Richie should relax. You can't copyright the word used to answer a phone. Todd's family communes with Fuller House. Matt had to turn it off. Dave…
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Episode 32: Thunder Cone
Welcome back! Dave's ex-girlfriend taught him early that divorce is never the answer. Better to live in misery. Matt can't handle boys. Also, his daughter wanders onto a merry-go-round of the future, where every child on it can be crushed at once. Todd's going to Italy. Will the food there be…
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Episode 31: Baseball Knife Shoes
Welcome back! Literary figures are dropping like flies. Where are the new literary heroes? It's youth baseball season, which means that it's time for Todd to buy shoe knives for his son. Hide your shins. Todd discusses his latest daddy-daughter dance. Chaos reigns as a teenage dunce DJ does...
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Episode 30: The One Where George Gaynes Dies
Welcome back! George Gaynes died! Who will save us from our refrigerators? Dave's house is cold. Matt must destroy a handsome, younger dad at his school. Todd goes to a daddy-daughter dance with his...daughter. Join us, won't you? We want to hear from you!!! Call us at (657) BAD DADS or send us…
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Episode 29: Butterfly Kisses
Welcome back! Todd decided to save money and skipped getting a Valentine's Day card for his wife. Now he can afford go the movies. By himself. Maybe he'll go see Deadpool with Matt, since that's where he spent Love Day with his wife. Dave went to his first Daddy-Daughter dance with his two...
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Episode 28: The Apaches
Welcome back! The dads discuss the Zika virus, and what it means for filthy, filthy Rio. Also, the Olympics are ridiculous. Dave and his wife have known each other for ten long, long years. He has a hard time fathoming how he has gone from bartender/actor to respected educator and mini van owner....
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Episode 27: Son of Beastmaster
Welcome back! Dave and Todd love COPS. What's not to like? Matt needs help fixing his house. He spends most of his update asking Todd and Dave how to feel like a man in his own home. They're interrupted by Matt's daughter, Viva, who is having a heart attack because Matt hasn't bought her enough...
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Episode 26: Nippleback
Welcome back! Sesame Street is moving to HBO. Finally they'll be able to explore the adult themes that PBS was so vehemently against. The dads then discuss how, no matter the channel, Sesame Street's segments are unwatchable. Dave's kids won't wipe themselves. Todd does some research to find that...
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Episode 25: The Sperm Switch
Welcome back to our humble show. The dads stumble upon a baby-making light switch that's supposed to be surgically inserted into your body. It's hilarious at parties. Matt's daughter is being taught to share her feelings by tattling on her peers. So now, Matt is being humiliated at parties as his...
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Episode 24: Google Garbage
Welcome back. Oculus Rift is on its way, and if we put our money on anything, it's that life will become a compilation of headaches from constantly standing one inch from the television. Too bad for Oculus Rift that Google found a way to do it for free... It's winter in Chicago, and that means…
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Episode 23: The Dollhouse(s)
Welcome back! Dave has never, in forty years, found a good time to sit down and watch It's a Wonderful Life. Who has two hours to kill on Christmas afternoon, really? Matt and Professor Foster decided that their daughter wanted a doll house for Christmas, and so they bought five of them. Dave got...
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Happy New Year!
The dads are taking the week off to enjoy the unseasonably warm...wait. Oh, it's snowing now. Never mind. Well, we didn't record, so here's a New Year's message just for you!
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Episode 22: Christmas Kitten
Matt brings back action figures from the 80s that no one wanted. Micronauts. ROM Space Night. No idea? Then you get the idea. Dave's turning forty, which means he'll finally have to start spelling forty without a "u". He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel, but how he feels is miserable. Matt...
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Episode 21: Bijou Sauce
Welcome back! Holy crap this is a good episode. Matt can't handle the White Castle Turkey Dinner Slider. Mainly because White Castle's are a time portal to planet filth. Butterball meat smothered in Bijou Sauce...what could make your mouth water more..for a glass of water. Todd can't figure out…
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Episode 20: Love Ya, Dad
This week, Todd and the dads remember Todd's father, Bob.
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Episode 19: Liam Neeson Macaroni
Welcome to Episode 19, and not a moment too soon. The dads discuss collectible mac and cheese boxes, and the idea that now there are dead Star Wars characters on the box. Dave regales the dads with a cautionary tale on not getting your '99 Honda tuned up. Matt figures out how the mom from Signs...
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Episode 18: Deep Fried Dreams
Welcome back! Taco Bell now offers you their croissant taco. Good Lord. Daylight Savings Time is horrible, and Matt wastes that precious hour every year. He did catch an infomercial in the middle of the night for Butterball's indoor turkey frier. It's like fireworks, but for inside your house.…
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does The Paternity Test have?
The Paternity Test currently has 68 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is The Paternity Test about?
The podcast about three men diagnosed with chronic fatherhood.
How often does The Paternity Test release new episodes?
The Paternity Test has 68 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to The Paternity Test?
You can listen to The Paternity Test on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts The Paternity Test?
The Paternity Test is created and hosted by Matt Boresi, Dave Engel and Todd Jay.
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