Understanding Violence Addiction

Exploration of four hacks to create safety when used in combination healthy structure. Healthy support work. Healthy tool kit. Spiritual connection. These four hacks are used in conjunction with one another, people miraculously stop, acting out addictions. People somehow create a structure in their life that works. People attain the life of their dreams. Consistent daily practices the key.

Are you being threatened? Here’s what I’m doing to keep myself safe and solid in my VA recovery. Note* I’m not discussing a life threatening situation. If your life is being threatened, seek help immediately.

My son cut me out of his life seven months ago because he thought I said, I didn’t respect him. I didn’t. This is more of a reflection of his own in her mind. He just lost the first love of his life he flunked out of college he was very emotional time for him. I suggested an EMDR group for him That he was very resistant to. I can see in retrospect. He wasn’t ready to unpack the pain and his disappointment in himself. So he projected it onto me and made me into some kind of in his words manipulative and controlling parent. It’s been a struggle because I have a tendency to internalize these kind of things and look to see where my part is and take responsibility for my part. It also means that sometimes I blame myself more than I need to. The truth is, I’m not a controlling and manipulative parent. I’m a loving and firm parent. Who doesn’t take on other people’s responsibilities. I don’t rescue. I support.

When you are upset, your words and actions are like fire. They burn. Maybe you smolder in silence or you explode, but both burn. Even your thoughts in your head are burning. Jennifer sees a fire near her home. Would she pour gas on it? Let's see what happens

These are 6 things I have used every day for 30 years. Guess what? They work. Here's a talk from my home in Taos NM to a group of people wanting to have better relationships, make more money and improve their lives.

In this episode, James explores an amend. What it is, how it’s different from an apology, and what it feels like to make amends. James also gives some personal insight into the transformative power of receiving an

In this episode, I gave some practical tactics for how to create a safety plan and going into a family visit like the holidays. These tips can be used for a safety plan going into any potentially stressful situation.

This episode is a follow up to the previous episode where I revealed the way greed and pride play out for me as a rescuer. This episode describes the miraculous turn around her using EMDR to neutralize the systemic, trauma and pain drives rescuing behavior, i.e. violence.

In this episode, I explore how as a rescuer, I limit myself and my success in the world, because I’m afraid to be proud, and I’m afraid to have a selfish desire.

There are three stages in resolving conflict. Stage 1: process the triggers get neutral. Stage 2: get a safety plan around how to create safety without asking anything from anyone. Stage 3: get a safety plan about how to negotiate, and make sure that your plan includes win-win solutions.

Part 2 of the previous episode. The feelings underneath the fantasy.

When I’m being bullied, it’s hard to resist revenge fantasies. This episode is more of a confession. Something I might share in a meeting. I wonder if you can relate?

Whether we are in conflict with a preteen, an employee, a boss, a romantic partner, a family member or anyone else the steps to finding a cooperative solution are the same. In this episode I talk about how cleaning my side of the street by processing triggers is essential in finding creative and cooperative solutions to conflict.

18 years after the founding of Violence Anonymous, the literature committee is working on a definition of sobriety. How does easily understandable to the newcomer, and to society as a whole. This is a peek into that process in the conversation that the literature committee is having.

Having the last word is not all, it’s cracked up to be. My experience in violence recovery is that most of the time not having the last word is taking the highroad in this episode, I tell a little story about not taking the last word when it was so ripe and juicy and ready to be slung out there. But for me it’s better not to burn the bridge and take the highroad

This is the story of how VA phone meetings began. Today we have members in Japan, New Zealand, Australia, India, Switzerland, Israel, Poland, Scotland, England, Spain, Portugal, Canada, Mexico, Alaska, Hawaii, and the lower 48 states of the United States. It’s a moment to take stock of the work that we’ve done personally and for humanity, one day at a time, working the 12 steps of Violence Anonymous and attending meetings.

Recognizing we need solitude is one thing. Giving ourselves solitude without creating drama as another. Here’s some of my experience on how to create solitude give myself what I need and still leave others feeling special and loved.

Ever drink poison thinking it will hurt someone else? One of my go to protection mechanisms is to think thoughts of superiority, like I’m somehow better than someone, to “protect” old pain. Guess what it only hurts me. In this episode I talk about neutralizing that pattern in my daily trigger process.

Here’s a tool I used while working the steps as a persecutor. It helped me calm down enough to process the trigger. I hope you find it useful.

Ever have big dreams? Feel like you’re following God’s path for you and then Wham!! Failure. Now what?

I woke up in a funk today. Somewhere between sad, tired and low level triggered. Here’s some step six in action.

More proof from Joe Dispenza’s book, breaking the habit of being yourself. This episode shows how not only do we change our neural pathways and our chemical signature. We also change our DNA by working the steps using the tool creativity and processing triggers.

Joe Dispenza lays out how the tool of creativity transforms are neural pathways and the chemical signature in our bodies. This creates deep healing from trauma and other limiting beliefs. Find out how James uses creativity.

I’m reading Joe Dispenza’s book Breaking the habit of being yourself and love how he scientifically explains the effects of trauma on our sympathetic nervous system and how repetitive stress occurs when we anticipate stress or relive stress. I discuss how to change that pattern. Find out how in this episode.

Listen to how Joe Dispenza breaks down what we call victim thinking, and its affects on our body, mind, actions and personality

How meetings, sharing, fellowshipping, and processing triggers creates victories.

Be prepared for a lot of tears in this episode. I’m not exactly sure how I continued speaking while sobbing to tell the story.

How processing triggers allows me to turn over my unconscious resistance to the life of my dreams.

How do we let go? I never really understood letting go until I worked the steps in VA. It required me to understand processing triggers in step two. That became my primary tactic for letting go, but there are more. Take a listen.

This episode explores Step 3 at 17 1/2 years of VA recovery. This is my sixth pass through the steps of Violence Anonymous and I continue to grow, deepen, and evolve.

What if you had an entire day without spending time thinking about an adversary, a conflict, or someone you’re having trouble with? What would that day look like? How would you do it? Here’s an idea.

When I attract shaming behavior by other people it’s almost always a reflection of shame I feel about my own behavior from the past. The pain of the current moment brings up an opportunity to clear out trauma from the past. Here’s how I seized that opportunity today.

After 17 years of recovery and my 6th pass through the Steps in VA.  Here's what came up for me while working Step 2 today.  I hope it helps you with your own recovery too.

James M couldn’t sleep and was tossing and turning. To find peace he did what he always does. Process triggers. In this episode he shares a trigger process in real time.

Many of us who grow up around violence and power and control need to understand the difference between true safety and the illusion of safety. When are we using manipulation or control to create what we think is safety? When are we creating authentic safety by genuinely meeting our need to feel secure and certain?

James M takes a deep dive into what he’s powerless over at 17 years sober in VA. Physical ailments in the body. Conflict between body and mind that create physical pain

Ever wonder why you aren't getting the results in life you are looking for? Here's a great tip for you on how to identify your fears and get past them fast.

Wanna know how FEAR crushes your dreams and how to OVERCOME it?

I’m going through step one again. This is my 25th pass through the 12 steps. Sixth time in Violence Anonymous. This is an episode about what I’m powerless over today. I hope you enjoy it, and it inspires some thing in you.

This slogan of Violence Anonymous gives me a lot of insight into how I interact in the world. Enjoy my take on it today and let me know your thoughts. What does it mean to you?

This episode explores the first slogan of Violence Anonymous. James M shares how living free from the Drama Triangle change the way we move through life.

One day at a time helps us all stop future tripping and stay focused on being sober from violence today.

Gratitude is a tool we can use to change our attention to amore positive state.  Here is a quote from the Dali Lama to help us all remember how to remain grateful.  

The first of a series of podcasts regarding working Step 1 in Violence Anonymous.  James M tells some of his story and how he continues to work Step 1 on a daily basis.  Listen to him admit his powerlessness and unmanageability even after working the Steps 23 times in 6 programs over the past 26 years. 

What do we always think we have to be tough?  As men, many of us were trained to deny our feelings, push down pain and act hard.  That behavior backfired on me.  I was denying my authentic self by pretending not to feel.  In recovery we tune into our feelings and realize that emotional intelligence is key to creating real intimacy and connection.  Practicing Self-compassion is one way we allow ourselves to be ok with our authentic experience.