PODCAST · comedy
Austin's Hot Takes
by AHT
Oh shit, oh my, your brain cells might die! Listen to the only AUSTI award winning podcast, where you can join us in exploring the mysterious mind of our special guest, Austin, a true modern day Ben Franklin meets Taylor Swift, game show host, trailblazing chef, inventor of the 1800s horse, one-time gas pumper, atheist highway hater, defiler of the english language, aspiring future dictator of Utopiburgitron, and semi-professional hot taker. Nice Guy.
Episodes
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austi christmas
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AHT S4 Ep62: Do the Shamrock Shake
Top of the mornin’! G’day lads and lassies from the land down over which is what we call Ireland because we’re somewhere over the rainbow if you catch my drift. We’ve got a wee bit of potty humor in our wee little show for you tonight (there’s a wee laddie in my ear who doesn’t know what time of...
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AHT S4 Ep61: A Cheesywhack Red With the Blood of My Tears
Are you sick and tired of “normal” podcasts that make you laugh with their “jokes”? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant…
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AHT S4 Ep60: Almost Accidentally Peed on a Cat
Sing us a song, you’re the four-inch tall child-man… we’re trying to honor Billy Joel here. Although, he would probably be rolling around in his grave if he heard our new game, Songs From a Caesarian Restaurant. Surprisingly, that’s not the most horrific thing that happened this episode as the...
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AHT S4 Ep59: Richard Quichard’s All the Facts
*speaking Britishly so here’s subtitles* In honour of our noble and first President (King) Benjamin Franklin, let us present the Hout Takes President's Day special! Producer’s note: I have no idea why Austin is writing “Britishly” for an American holiday special but let’s just go with it. We have...
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AHT S4 Ep58: “I Want Queen Lizzy to Bite a Glizzy”
Austin: So here’s a story from A to Liz-Z. You wanna be more than just a model, you gotta marry. *record scratch* Producer: And we’re gonna stop right there… The most controversial part of this episode was SUPPOSED to be the Victoria Beckham pit of cluelessness Austin dug for himself, but this…
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AHT S4 Ep57: The Birth of Terry Peckies
OMG!!! Austin had too much margharitaaaaaaa!! Or was it lemonade?? ;);) Listen to this show and maybe you’ll know!!! Hahahaha this eppie is like sooo fun. The funnest. There’s this whole big sock thingy and weird fleshy fruits (peaches are like totally the avocados of fruit and that makes peach...
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AHT S4 Ep56: Flipping the Mattress… Wink, Wink ;)
The cool kids these days are bopping about with hip new tidbits and whatchamacallits, so consider this your guide to what’s lit and what’s not it. Sleep kilts are totally in these days, but sleeping with more than zero decorative pillows is not dude! Swimming is lame bro, but pro-anti-swimmers…
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AHT S4 Ep55: A Flannel as Righteous as an 80s Arcade Floor
Sah dude! (I told Austin it was “suh” but he wouldn’t listen… now he’s coming to the realization that “suh” actually does sound like “sup” as in “what’s up” or just “whassup”… no he takes that back because he can’t be wrong and “sah” is actually the “wha” sound in “whassup” so it makes sense…...
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AHT S4 Ep54: Limp Wet Noodles
This episode is about hair, babies, and water. And also pirates? And jag-wires? And long brunettes who can sing? Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus, Jeremy’s back (from the dead), Annie’s added blueberries to her list of fruits that she irrationally hates, and Justin derailed the episode by...
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AHT S4 Ep53: NUDE (Starring Jason Mamosaosa)
In lieu of an actual description, here’s a useful list of life tips: Don’t name your child Hugo. If you want to make something groovy, use jazz hands. Get a job if you watch the weather channel. If you’re a weatherman, just become a horse race announcer for the three meaningful horse races a…
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AHT S4 Ep52: Austin’s Hot Dates
No time for intro! Hitting you with hot date takes harder than Annie hits her sticks of butter! 1. Brush teeth after raviolis 2. Like a good listener, State Farm is there 3. No phones! Edna Mode 4. Ask questions like the riddler but in reverse I think… 30. Do not eat saktines before bed. Bad...
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AHT S4 Ep51: Donda Esta Season 4?
Stop the presses! Stop 'em right now! This might be new season worthy! But only if you count Austin listening to and maybe liking one Kanye song and the entire Spiderverse soundtrack because he might like rap now? Something that’s not non-cowboy hat country?! It just might be the solution to him...
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AHT S3 Ep55: Mbikes, Tractopters, & Raxzor Blades
Life is a highway and if you’re going to ride it, don’t use a bike and get out of Austin’s way. Bikes are illegal, and you deserve to be hit by a spring-loaded boxing glove ejected from the side of a car. On an unrelated note, I (your lovely producer) am contractually obligated to tell you that...
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AHT S3 Ep54: LIVE! From the Rat Dungeon!
Remember Season 1 Episode 1 when Austin didn’t know how microwaves worked? Remember how we talked about that for a solid 40 minutes because we thought THAT was the worst thing Austin didn’t understand? Well, he still hasn’t evolved in any way. So here to solve his problems are: a giant metal hot...
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AHT S3 Ep53: Gravity Girl Next Door
There is a six point ninth dimension beyond that which is known to SWTs. A dimension where radar and sonar actually acronym right. Where dresser drawer Swifties emerge from their house graveyards cuddling broccoli sweater kittens, and spaghetti is a Pokemon type. A world where you can apply so…
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AHT S3 Ep51: How to Flirt With Your Local Gas Waitresses
G’day mateys we’re coming at you sloopdingers and swampfrazzles live from the dragonball Z version of Australia! Hope you slipped on your slick’ums and undeviated your septums because we’ve got some gas waitresses to woo for Austin. Plus, Jeremy tackles taxes with his latest Jeremæform, and…
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AHT S3 Ep50: Lannie Likes Lemonade in Lieu of Lemon Licking
Go outside! Get out of your London 1812 bunker and start singing at half mast because Austin and Alex have finally agreed on something! They have put aside their differences on number words and neck tinglers to cyberbully the short-necked giraffe lover formerly known as Annie (we made her change...
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AHT S3 Ep49: Dahn Shawty, Happy Valentine
Put on some Wham! (not George Michael) and hop in a monobob (but not with a penguin) because it’s the second annual AHT Valentine’s Day Special! If you need some good custom pickup lines for your “girlfiend,” you’ve come to the wrong place. And if you’re looking to marry Jeremy (because who…
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AHT S3 Ep48: 20TwentyDos: Austin vs. Michelle: Civil War
New year, new feuds! Just like George Washington and the Fluffigans coming together on Christmas Day, Michelle has rejoined us to discuss everything but the reason Austin declared war against her. Learn about philophers, icky mouth metal, and how to properly saw through food with a butter knife....
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AHT S3 Ep47: Ep#25 Austi Christmas 2 (You)
It’s the holiday season and what better way to celebrate Fang Santa’s arrival than by spending time gluing puzzles together with duct tape with fully lingual and potty trained babies in the warm, flickering glow of a Mario-scented candle that smells like plumbing and mushrooms? And most...
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AHT S3 Ep46 The Artist Formerly Known as Thanksgiving
We have prepared a special menu for you on this unspecial holiday. As our appetizer, we begin with the Pledge of Abhorrence with a side of Unthankful Lamenting of all things Austin hates including boring license plates, the names Geoff, Oswald, and Leopold, and the recurring traumatic nightmare…
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AHT S3 Ep45 Halloween Takes 2: Damp & Buttered With Your Head in the Wall
Prepare for scare! What’s more horrifying than one Austin? 50% of Austin! Our producer, Gianna joins us to relive her triple double failed lunch nightmare (you be the judge of which sibling is worse) and be tortured by a brand new NJ gas waitress rap. We also dive into the smush factor of...
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AHT S3 Ep44 PAIN. Psychotic and Psychological PAIN.
Today, we are going to discuss facts and only facts. Like if we had Bucky Barnes fighting in the Revolutionary War for us, Ben Franklin would’ve been our first president. And if your kid plays gacha games, they’re better off doing drugs. Also, the CEO of trains is the conductor. Most importantly,...
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AHT S3 Ep43 SWMSWAM (We’re So Sorry)
Disclaimer: everything discussed in this episode was entirely for comedic purposes. Jeremy will promptly slap Austin in the face for every dumb idea mentioned in this episode. Austin’s Hot Takes LLC does not endorse in any way, shape, or form the concept of SWMSWAM, except for profiting off of…
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AHT S3 Ep42 Sprinkled Eggs and Scrambled Minds
There comes a point in one’s life when one takes that first glorious bite into an olive. And when they do, they unconsciously engrain a permanent pattern for olive consumption they follow for the rest of their lives until one day they come across another beautifully minded human consuming an…
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AHT S3 Ep41 Orthodontdothis
Do you know all those things your dentist tells you not to do? And all those things they don’t tell you not to do because they assume you’re smart enough not to do them? Yeah, well… here’s an episode dedicated to Austin’s personal hygiene. Bathroom routines include: sawing back and forth with a...
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AHT S3 Ep40 The Great Space Waste
Jump into the mind of Jeremy as he solves physics by launching all of our garbage into space and then taking money from all research and putting it into worthwhile investments like the Austizon. Do you want a dictator in your kitchen to yell at customer service workers when your shoes are untied?...
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AHT S3 Ep39 Baby, Be My Vaccine
It literally cannot get worse than this. Austin has written a “rap” (?) about love and COVID. If you are a music major or know anything about rhythm or what music is supposed to sound like, cover your ears. Also featured this episode: the body towel sandwich, flesh bulbs, and teaching Austin that...
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AHT S3 Ep38 Austin’s Edible Children
Hot, hot oh wuhgottum and by wuhgottum, we mean we’ve got big plans and theories this episode. Get ready to drive your head in the face with a driver, cover Annie’s car in old bay crab dip and crabs, and dip mozzarella sticks in liquid fat! Plus, if you love WandaVision you’ll hate this theory…
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AHT S3 Ep37 Tim 2: Consensual Slaps
HAPPY FANG DAY! Austi award winner, Tim joins us to celebrate the second annual AHT Fang Day. Hear about the AHT crew’s many plots to kill Austin, the Animorphs layer of the Earth, and the magic pills that might just make vegetables legal.
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AHT S3 Ep36 The AUSTI’s
Celebrating one year of AHT, this is the AUSTIIIIIIIIII’S! Relive some of the most iconic hot takes moments in this past 11th Y.O.O.F. (Year of Our Fang) as we award AUSTI’s in categories such as “Plan Most Likely to Succeed if it Worked,” “Deserves Most Jail and Satan,” “The Austin-ism” (The…
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AHT S3 Ep#35 Happy Vladuation!
Privet! After years of Put-in in hard work, Austin (and others) have graduated college… and Jeremy has more than a couple complaints. Hear about Austin’s Swedish rock band transcript and his “turd-nuggeting crayon-licking trombone-farting miniscule smoothbrained dummy professor.” Also of note…
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AHT S3 Ep34 The 10ft Long Sock Tongs
Words cannot describe the pure chaos of this week’s episode so here’s a bunch of inspirational quotes instead. “Peaches are orange cousins” | “They say oxygen doesn’t grow on trees but it does” | “Can you give mouth to mouth to a plant?” | “If we did it, could we do it?” But wait… there’s more!...
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AHT S3 E33 Episode XXXIII Luke, I am Your Baby Daddy
It’s the Star Wars Hot-Take-iday Special! Darth Andrew the Wise, the man who bequeathed all of his Star Wars knowledge unto Austin when he was a wee little Padawan (high school), joins us to discuss uh… Star Wars, duh. Hear about the legends of the Space British, The Emperor Strikes Austin, and...
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AHT S3 E32 A Small Loan of 2 Bazillion Dollars
It’s Season 3 of AHT (Austin did a U-turn which constitutes an important life milestone and therefore a new season). Annie unveils parts A and B of her plan for world domination previously mentioned on E24: E25. Also, Austin gets blasted in the face with hot gas, has a positive customer service...
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AHT S2 E31 Two Bingos Don’t Make a Match
Ooh la la! Get ready for a potluck of steaming hot takes, ranging from Austin’s fear of fast food drive thrus to his hatred for Pixar movies starring humans. Plus, if you get confused by Swiss cheese and Swahili, Justin has the perfect geography game for you! Fun Fact: two lobsters don’t make a...
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AHT S2 E30 Drunk Bees and Cardi Batman
On this week’s episode, Annie and Jeremy rant about the pointlessness of New Year’s resolutions, and Austin resolves to plot even more vengeance on the frat bros. Plus, the debut of Punderland: a horrible game dedicated to Austin’s even more horrible puns!
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AHT S2 E29 2021: Austin, Scrabble Won
Get those rhyming thought manifestations ready! It’s been 2021 for 3 months now so we only have 9 more months for this to come true! Learn about Little Batman Orphan Annie and hear about the horrific foods Austin was forced to eat in Vermont, including “ovally” baked beans *shudders*
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AHT S2 E28 Jeremy’s List of Required Traits in the Ideal Mate
Put on some Stevie Wonder and grab your totally not seductive Coke can because it’s the AHT Valentine’s Day Special! If you are a carnivorous non-SWT, find out the keys to Austin’s heart. And if you’re looking to marry Jeremy, we hope you despise skim milk and know your woodpeckers because this...
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AHT S2 E27 The Money Sock
Woe! Woe indeed! Come hear the tragedy of Darth Grayder and the “drive of shame” it took to bring him back to us. But all is not lost! The money sock (patent pending) is perhaps the most powerful Richy Quicky yet! Order now and we’ll throw in free Croutomelons (also patent pending) for all your...
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AHT S2 E26 Sausage Gumbo in 10 Painful Steps
Hold onto your sausage and your chef hats because this week’s episode is a recipe for disaster! From the maker of the “Salad on Bread” comes a new inexplicably unexplainable creation. It’s time to open up your human-person three-sided square window and wrestle with a hanger for your jacket…
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AHT S2 E24: E25 Holidays are for the Gays
Yes, you heard that right! Witness the live premiere of the most INCLUSIVE Christmas Carol of all time (we apologize in advance for Austin’s “singing”). The holidays are a wonderful time of year filled with capitalism and consumerism so celebrate with Santa Jeff Bezos as he travels the world...
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AHT S2 E23 Deer, Horses, and Sheep also Mules and Giraffes also Deer, Horses, and Giraffes
Bustin Justin hosts a smörgåsbord of hot takes today about the deer family tree centered on the key belief that deer are short horses and giraffes are long horses. Also, have you ever wondered what the dictionary definition of a clenched buttcheek is? Have you ever been to Tampa Bay, Canada? Do...
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AHT S2 E22 Kiss Your Turkey Square on the Giblets
Journey aboard the Sasquatch, the Squanto, and the Santa Maria with us as Austin and Jeremy break down why Thanksgiving dinner is the single most overrated meal of the year. Learn how the first Thanksgiving evolved from Pocahontas, John Rolfe, and Charlie Brown into a modern-day lie centered on…
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AHT S2 E21 If You Like Movies… Urine Luck!
If you thought Austin was uncultured before, wait until you hear his reviews of movies he’s never seen. Self-proclaimed movie expert Nate weighs in on the important issues like why every movie with Leonardo “DiCaprio” is Oscar-bait trash and if humans can be right-mouthed. Warning: you are about…
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AHT S2 E20 Seducing Jeff Bezos
What would you do for a Blonde-Ike bar? In this week’s episode, Austin goes through character development... after watching Legally Blonde; he now hates sororities less than he did in Episode 18. Also, hear about his plan to deliver newborn babies with Amazon, the four horses of the apocalypse...
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AHT S2 E19 Austin’s Halloween Takes
Join us for a spooky, scary episode of AHT where we discuss the fourth-best holiday of the year. Find out which candies are “actually good,” “decent,” “utter burning garbage,” “banned eww seriously why,” and “you deserve jail and satan.” Plus, we discuss how to defeat sexy Halloween costumes and...
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Oh shit, oh my, your brain cells might die! Listen to the only AUSTI award winning podcast, where you can join us in exploring the mysterious mind of our special guest, Austin, a true modern day Ben Franklin meets Taylor Swift, game show host, trailblazing chef, inventor of the 1800s horse, one-time gas pumper, atheist highway hater, defiler of the english language, aspiring future dictator of Utopiburgitron, and semi-professional hot taker. Nice Guy.
HOSTED BY
AHT
CATEGORIES
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Austin's Hot Takes have?
Austin's Hot Takes currently has 70 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Austin's Hot Takes about?
Oh shit, oh my, your brain cells might die! Listen to the only AUSTI award winning podcast, where you can join us in exploring the mysterious mind of our special guest, Austin, a true modern day Ben Franklin meets Taylor Swift, game show host, trailblazing chef, inventor of the 1800s horse,...
How often does Austin's Hot Takes release new episodes?
Austin's Hot Takes has 70 episodes. Check the episode list to see recent publication dates and frequency.
Where can I listen to Austin's Hot Takes?
You can listen to Austin's Hot Takes on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Austin's Hot Takes?
Austin's Hot Takes is created and hosted by AHT.
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