Is It Me?

Victims and Survivors of CPAN Abuse struggle to find support and be understood. Members of our support group have been seeking information they can share with loved ones who want to help, but who have little to no real understanding of the issues faced. Here, we have produced a podcast that realistically discusses issues from both sides of the fence. Please share with both the loved ones and the victims of CPAN abuse too so that each may better understand the difficulties experienced on both sides of the coin that can negatively influence helpful conversations they might otherwise have. Knowledge is power. Always.

The ripple effect of the negativity, chaos and confusion in the aftermath of a CPAN's death is further discussed in the third part of the mini-series focussing on issues from the diagnosis of a serious illness, through to death and beyond. The actions, control and manipulations of an emotionally immature and dysregulated mind can be severely devastating and often continue way beyond the death of a malignant covert narcissist. Flying Monkeys can run amok and others may be weaponised through multiple and conflicting 'dying wishes' at the expense of a victim leading to ongoing abuse by proxy at the hands of other bereaved people. A supercharged and highly emotive time is used to cause maximum harm and damage to what is a confused and unknowing victim at the worst of times through loss and grief. Here, through examples and insights, we explain how some of this comes about and how some people are unwittingly involved in doing what they believe to be the right thing very much at the expense of the victim. Linked episodes in this mini series: When A CPAN Falls Seriously Ill The Terminal Ilness and Death of a CPAN Disclaimer: Content is drawn largely from research and the combined experiences of thousands of people impacted by varying degrees of psychological/emotional/narcissistic abuse. Whilst there is limited reference to personal experience, not all content directly refers to those events or any individual or group of people specifically involved in them.

Part 2 of our mini-series dealing with a CPAN falling seriously ill, through to death and beyond. How manipulation and control can take shape and continue throughout this time, together with the impact on the already bereaved in terms of endless dilemmas, extremely damaging false narratives and situations of abuse by proxy via grieving relatives and highly motivated Flying Monkeys. Need to know information and advice about important considerations when trying to decide how best to proceed in a climate of ongoing abuse and dismissiveness at one of the worst times of our lives. Understanding how some of this comes about as a direct result of the CPAN's actions can help in taking away some of the chaos and confusion during such a devastating time. Linked episode: When A CPAN Falls Seriously Ill Disclaimer Content is drawn largely from research and the combined experiences of thousands of people impacted by varying degrees of narcissistic abuse. Whilst there is limited reference to personal experience, not all content directly refers to those events or any individual or group of people specifically involved in them.

One of the most difficult situations we will ever face is dealing with a situation where the CPAN becomes seriously/terminally ill, particularly when this involves an elderly relative or intimate partner that we may be considering leaving, or even have already left. The first in a 3 part series that go on to further discuss death and the fallout of post death of abuse by proxy long after the event: The isolation and alienation we feel, but don't know why. The lack of support or compassion for us as we try to come to terms with the significance of a serious diagnosis and as we face the reality of losing a loved one. The difficult decisions we are left having to make in what are the ultimate in 'no win,' 'double bind' situations Bereavement without support mechanisms Grief, Complex Grief, and 'Relief' Surviving death as the villain of the piece

Red Flag warnings that might indicate narcissistic or CPAN behaviour can very easily become an obsession when we're trying to protect ourselves from future abusive relationships. We can worry that we either can't ever see those red flags OR we see them everywhere, neither of which is helpful when we're already very confused and afraid of repeating the 'mistake' or abusive cycle. Whilst they can undoubtedly be helpful at times when not solely relied upon as our only means of defence, they can also be very harmful if not fully considered and used properly, neither being healthy if we potentially see threat everywhere.....or are afraid because we can't see it at all. Being aware of Red Flag signals and their limitations is hugely important in beginning to address some of these concerns as is having an appreciation of the dynamics at play in ALL relationships. Understanding how these things combine and how they go on to very much directly impact the reliability of Red Flag indicators is fundamentally important to our even thinking about using them in reality. No relationship is ever solely about one person in it. Relationships are multi-faceted and enormously nuanced, making using any kind of potential indicators of anything highly unpredictable. Here we take a deeper look at things to be aware of when considering those Red Flags together with those that raise our awareness of the key things to be keeping when working toward protecting ourselves more reliably from future abusive relationships

Leaving any relationship with a person with narcissistic traits is never easy, and is like no other. We find any meaningful communication with them almost impossible and often begin to truly realise for the first time just how disagreeable, obstructive and unreasonable they are. All previous issues can escalate, some severely as the CPAN may enter a Narcissistic Collapse, or Decompensation, making the situation potentially dangerous in the most severe of cases. Behind the scenes, financial abuse can escalate alongside false narratives and an accompanying smear campaign. Flying Monkeys often come into play too. Be as well informed as possible, and stay safe everyone! Recommended related episodes: Leaving A CPAN Relationship (What we can expect from them) Signs of a False Narrative At Play Why Are CPANs So Disagreeable and Sometimes Vindictive? Early Warning Signs of Narcissistic Collapse/Decompensation Closure In A CPAN Relationship What's Love Got To Do With It? Cognitive Dissonance & The Trauma Bond (2 part episode) Flying Monkeys & The Smear Campaign Future Faking & Toxic Hope

Essential Insight into the possible extent of a negative reaction to loss of supply and control by a CPAN. Just how far can it go? What is Narcissistic Collapse/Decompensation? How do we identify it? Early red flag indicators of potential collapses/decompensation that you may already be seeing, but not yet recognising Examples provided understanding the range of emotions that a collapse may involve...it's not just anger and rage issues Linda provides personal examples and insight of early signs through to the final catalyst moment episode where things escalated beyond anything thought imaginable. Don't let being left fighting for your life be your experience! An important insight into the need to consider the potential of this type of escalation as you prepare to end a relationship with a CPAN. Minimise your exposure to a collapse and the potentially serious consequences to yourself and others TW - BRIEF REFERENCE TO CHILD ABUSE

Why are CPANs so difficult to deal with in day to day life? Why do they react so badly to seemingly very little? My CPAN is always 'offended'...why? Once a relationship is coming to an end, why are some so focussed on causing upset, grief and pain? Why must they always feel they need to be seen to 'win?' Why are they so focussed on money and material things to the extent they seem to want to destroy a person they purport to have loved beyond any other? Once again taking a look at these questions and more, but from the unique perspective of a CPAN, we aim to provide valuable insight into their thinking and behaviour

One of the most difficult and most heart-breaking questions we are left with at the end of a relationship with a CPAN is, 'Did they ever really love me?' Here we discuss some of the issues affecting us, and the problems we have in finding appropriate resources and information that might help shed light on this most burning of questions. In untangling some of the confusion around it, we examine our own understanding of the relationship as it was formed, together with how that came about, as well as how that then formed the basis of our beliefs and understanding of the nature of that relationship going forward. In an attempt to provide at least some 'answers' to what is actually a complete misalignment rather than the portrayed 'soul-mate' scenario we were presented with, we return to the style that received great reviews first seen in the 'Closure' episode, where we take a look at things from the CPAN's perspective, as we try to bring a little insight and clarity to their views, capabilities, beliefs as well as some of their actions around this most confusing and emotive of topics.

How do CPAN's create and maintain their False Narratives? What factors need to be considered by them when selecting potential Flying Monkeys? What makes Flying Monkeys become actively involved against you on behalf of the CPAN? What are some of the biggest tell-tale signs to look out for that might indicate that false narratives are already out there and being used against you to 'flip the script?' An episode resulting from questions posed following our most successful podcast to date, Subtle Signs of Covert Narcissistic Abuse. Here, Linda Barnes provides further insight and tips that might help to identify the existence of false narratives and the potential early recruitment of future Flying Monkeys much sooner than they might otherwise be.

Have you left the CPAN in your life and are now finding them impossible to deal with? Is the most simple of tasks impossible to achieve with them? Are you wondering why it's all so difficult and how to best deal with seemingly endless delays and unnecessary frustrations? Here, Linda discusses how and why it is so difficult to deal with a CPAN through separation/divorce. Providing insight from their perspective, and suggesting ways of minimising issues and of making headway in seemingly impossible situations, we learn of some of the key dynamics at play, and some of the strategies that may be helpful going forward. Supported by personal experience and experiences of others having gone through similar scenarios, this podcast provides the foundation of knowledge that helps to clarify some of the confusion to help clear your path through the mist of their intentionally created chaos and obstructive behaviour.

In a departure from the usual format, Linda shares some of her own story as she marks 10 years of her own healing and recovery journey. Revealing several of her most challenging and darkest moments, she describes how even through the most difficult and seemingly hopeless moments, changes and benefits were slowly and almost imperceptibly emerging and gradually building from them. The path of transition can be long and full of pitfalls, yet it still leads us to the learning, personal development and growth that our own individual journey necessitates. Our journeys are totally unique and yet equally similar. This episode provides open, honest and humbling insight into what Linda herself still describes as her own 'incredible journey' shared with you here to provide hope and inspiration as you make your own way to a better life.

One of the biggest single issues that serve to prevent people moving on is the absence of closure from a CPAN. We discuss here what closure might look like for us, AND how the CPAN might view it! Are CPANs capable of ever providing closure? Do they intentionally withhold closure...if so, why? Can we move on without it? An episode including more insight than previously discussed into the CPAN perspective and mentality in seeking to provide a mechanism to assist in moving forward without the closure they will most likely never authentically provide.

My partner is suddenly wanting me to attend couples counselling after years of dismissing our problems. Are they even a narcissist? They say therapy never works for narcissists, why not? If they're now so determined to try, surely it must be worth a try? Why did I come away from Couples Counselling being victim shamed and blamed for all the issues? Can CPANs really triangulate Therapists and Counsellors? How can experts be so easily deceived? Just some of the questions and issues discussed in this most problematic of topics....some of the answers might well surprise you. Please listen BEFORE committing to couples counselling with anyone you suspect of having CPAN traits. Forewarned is forearmed.

Why the Holiday Season is so difficult for victims/survivors of CPAN abuse The issues around deciding what to do over the Holiday season Should I stay or should I go? Survival strategies Turning a potentially negative situation to our advantage going forward

Are you confused about forgiveness? Should we always be able to forgive? Forgiveness and unconditional love? Do your friends and relatives say you're only harming yourself by not forgiving? Do memes about forgiveness and bitterness/resentment etc make you doubt yourself? How does forgiveness fit in with our healing and self-work?

What does 'no contact' really mean? Why do we need to do it? The need to understand ourselves, the consequences, and the reasons No Contact is so necessary Being 'No Contact' ready. Making sure we have prepared ourselves sufficiently. Putting plans and safeguards in place beforehand. No Contact and Stonewalling, understanding the difference.

Do you find yourself consumed by your thinking? Are you accused or overthinking or over analysing petty situations? Do you second guess your decisions and doubt your reactions and interpretations of situations? Can you never resolve situations of importance to you, or even be heard when trying to do so? We discuss all of this and more. Explaining how our thought processes become contaminated and how issues lead to rumination, with advice and strategies to help restore some balance and confidence in our thought process and the decisions we make.

Do you find yourself presented with endless conundrums and dilemmas? Despite always trying to 'do the right thing,' are you always criticised & deemed to be wrong, flawed or somehow misguided no matter how hard you try? Do you ruminate for hours going round in circles, ultimately unable to settle on 'the best' solution for all concerned? Linda Barnes shares learnings from one of her own darkest moments, and the addition of just two little words to her own thought and decision-making process that fundamentally change the context of the problem at hand. Listen to learn more about a simple tool that if applied to your own thinking whilst 'trying to do the right thing,' helps to enhance your healing and recovery journey with almost immediate effect.

How is it that the CPAN's false narrative is so convincing? How can people who know me believe such a false narrative? How long will it take to Heal? Why do I go with their reality rather than my own? Personal revelations and realisations by the Creator during a long-term healing and recovery journey.

Boundaries are so often taken for granted. Most people after all assume that they have good boundaries in place, and yet so many of us through messages and teachings as we develop, unknowingly carry a skewed and 'imprinted' idea of our own self-worth and sense of 'self' that fundamentally undermines how we view boundaries and our place in the world. Here, we discuss how some of those views are shaped, how they impact on us, and how we then carry them forward into adult relationships. We go on to further explore how weak boundaries make us attractive to those with elevated narcissistic traits, and how we are so easily manipulated and controlled in the absence of strong Gatekeepers to protect our values, sense of self and the things that are so important to us as individuals. Anything but a simple topic, the content is designed to give pause to consider our own boundaries, to recognise their important role in healing, and in moving forward to securing much healthier and reciprocal relationships in the future.

A discussion around our identifying Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissists (CPANs), and how we so often come to a realisation that there are so many people in our lives that display those traits beyond the initial relationship that brought it to our attention. How we deal with the destabilising impact of multiple discoveries of this type, and why we suddenly see so many of them, seemingly everywhere.

A series of podcasts discussing issues raised in Debbie mirza's support group, Healing After Experiencing Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism. Discussing some early potential indicators of narcissistic behaviour including issues around privacy, boundaries, control and manipulation, treating others as extensions of themselves, illness, sabotage and distrust.....

Continuing the 'Is It Me?' Podcast Series, we discuss another popular issue raised within Debbie Mirza's Support Group, Healing After Experiencing Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism, with the Group's Administrator, Linda Barnes.  Future Faking and Toxic Hope are the main topics. Explaining how it happens, and difficulties around a sudden interest in seeking therapy and Couples Counselling and the difficulties that presents

A discussion around the Smear Campaign and how and why it comes about, together with Flying Monkeys and the role(s) they play. Impacting on all relationship types, Family of Origin, friendships, in the workplace and, of course, Intimate Relationships, these situations can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already suffering from the effects of often long-term covert narcissistic abuse. They can have far reaching consequences if misunderstood. The discussion is from the victims perspective with a view to increasing understanding about both topics.

The second part of a two part podcast discussing the issues victims and survivors experience around both Cognitive Dissonance and the Trauma Bond, This part focusses more on the trauma bond and how so many of the issues around our abuse are linked

Podcast 3 in the 'Is It Me?' Podcast series is a two-part episode in which we take a deeper look into the issues experienced from the victim/survivor's perspective after experiencing Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissistic Abuse, taken from frequently asked questions from Debbie Mirza's online support Group, Healing After Experiencing Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism. The aim is to provide a better understanding of what Cognitive Dissonance is, how we experience it and, why together with exploring ways of easing it in order to facilitate our ongoing healing journey. Part Two deals with The Trauma Bond

Discovering that you have been in a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissistic abusive relationship of any kind is something that undermines a person's very understanding of who they themselves are and, their own perceptions and worldview. It makes people question everything about their lives up to that point. Against this most shocking and destabilising backdrop, they must find a way to reach some level of understanding in order to heal and recover however, such is the lack of understanding, awareness and support available about this subject from friends, family and professionals alike, people find themselves alone and trying to use whatever online information etc that there is about this. This podcast discusses some of the many pitfalls and blockages to healing that this often presents to victims-from the experiences of thousands of victims/survivors of the support group, Healing after Experiencing Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism. Understanding some of these difficulties from the outset can help to avoid further confusion and assist in the decision making, self-care and healing processes that are often otherwise so inhibited by sometimes conflicting, unreliable and unregulated material. 

Sharing advice, support and explanations in respect of Narcissistic abuse, in particular, Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissistic abuse to bring clarity to victims, survivors and the Professions who really need to know how to navigate their way through the recovery process through better knowledge and understanding. Confused victims, who have often suffered many years of psychological abuse, are often left feeling guilty and responsible for their own abuse after systematic projection and gaslighting by their abusers. The first question on most peoples' minds after discovering their abuse is, 'Is it Me?' This Podcast explores that question and the reasons so many people ask it.