PODCAST · society
Playing With Fire
by Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton
Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
Episodes
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261 Can You Love More Than One Person and Still Feel Secure? Love, Grief, and Growth with Lunarosa Peralta
When your partner falls in love with someone else, becomes a parent, or moves through profound grief during a breakup, you witness a transformation that has nothing to do with you. Except, as a witness, it also has the potential to affect you, and your relationships, profoundly. This week, we're...
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260 ‘I feel seen… but not by you’ – Metamours, Jealousy, and Differentiation
Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building…
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259 Getting Unstuck: How a Frozen Imagination Blocks the Relationship You Want
What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images…
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258 Patterns of Harm Need Patterns of Repair: Rethinking Closure
Ever feel like you're having the same conversation about the same hurt over and over again? Yeah, we’ve been there. And the surprising thing is… that's not necessarily a problem. We just did an episode on conflict and how it can actually deepen intimacy (wild, right?). But during that…
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257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through Disagreement
When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected. The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is...
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256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring Non-Monogamy with Natasha Helfer
Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up...
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255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships?
Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making…
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254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO
Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not. To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format. This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The…
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253 The Shadow of Compersion
Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again. When...
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252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody & Chris
Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's...
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251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment
When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but…
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250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework
To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination. We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people...
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[Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships
When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way? Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from...
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249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies?
So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering. This isn’t…
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248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships
People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t…
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247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication
Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of...
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246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now?
The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom? Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up…
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245 Check-Ins That Actually Work
Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon…
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244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic
You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very...
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243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships
Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you…
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242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy
Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you…
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241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert
Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make...
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[Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest...
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240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton
If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In...
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[Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't...
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[Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships
The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships! That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They…
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[Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process? Ken did, and it made him...
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[Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)
A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner…
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239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy
Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy." Mel...
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238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships
Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question...
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237 The Art & Practice of Shedding Mono-Normativity
We live in a culture where monogamy isn't just presented as one way to have relationships—it's positioned as the only natural, healthy, and moral way to relate. This assumption runs so deep that most of us never even question it. But what happens when we start examining these unspoken rules that...
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236 Co-Creating Magnificent Sex
What happens when two relationship experts who teach others about intimacy find themselves in an 18-month sexual drought? We recently emerged from what we affectionately call "the swamp"—a period where our once-vibrant sexual connection became strained, disconnected, and frankly disappointing....
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235 I Think I'm Polyamorous, But I'm in a Monogamous Marriage
Discovering your polyamorous identity while in a long-term monogamous relationship can feel both liberating and terrifying. It's a moment of personal truth that can shake the foundations of your partnership—and that's exactly why it deserves careful, thoughtful consideration. When you realize...
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234 How to Figure Out What You Want (And Why It’s So Damn Hard)
There’s one really important prerequisite for a whole lot of juicy relational goodness… but it sounds deceptively simple… figuring out what you want. Whether it's day-to-day preferences or deeper desires, knowing what we truly want helps us make authentic agreements with ourselves and others. So...
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233 The Case for ‘Boring’ Polyamory
When we're in the thick of navigating non-monogamy, especially in the early stages, it can feel like an endless emotional workout. The jealousy, the NRE highs and lows, the constant communication—it's a lot! Many people wonder if it will ever get easier or if this constant state of emotional...
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232 How to Keep Going When Non-Monogamy Feels Too Hard
Feeling exhausted by non-monogamy? You're not alone! Even when we know why we chose this path, the day-to-day reality can sometimes feel overwhelming. But before you throw in the towel, let's explore what's really happening when non-monogamy feels like "too much" – and what you can do about it....
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231 The Holiday Survival Guide for Polyamorous People
Holidays can be a joy-filled time, but they can also become incredibly complicated when you're navigating non-monogamous relationships. How do you balance time between partners, metamours, family members who might not know about your relationship structure, and children who just want to have fun?...
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230 Can Trauma Survivors Do Non-Monogamy?
Many people wonder if their trauma history means they can't successfully navigate the complex emotional terrain that comes with open relationships. When we step away from default monogamy into consciously chosen relationship structures, our nervous systems can get activated. This may be…
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229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves
Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't...
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228 “I Only Get the Hard Parts”: Living with Asymmetry in Polyamory and Life
Ever feel like your journey into non-monogamy is all about hard work? You're not alone. Many people reach a point where they wonder if all the emotional regulation, self-reflection, and relationship meetings are worth it. This feeling is incredibly common, whether you initiated opening your...
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227 Transforming Shame into Love with Jessica Fern and David Cooley
We all carry shame—it's part of the human experience. But what if there was a way to transform that shame into something more nurturing and supportive? In this episode, we welcome back Jessica Fern and David Cooley to discuss their groundbreaking new book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From...
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226 The Secret Sauce of Happy Non-Monogamy: Exquisite Transition Management
We all experience transitions in our relationships. And, they can actually be even more frequent in non-monogamous relationships, like when our attention shifts from one partner to another, when we leave for a date, or when we return home. These seemingly small shifts in energy and attention can...
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225 Fears, Hopes, and Aftercare: Preparing for Polycule Gatherings
Navigating shared spaces as a polycule can feel like stepping into uncharted territory. Whether you're attending a community event, family gathering, or social outing with multiple partners, the absence of cultural scripts can leave us feeling uncertain and vulnerable. Many of us struggle with...
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224 Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole Thompson
Most of us have been conditioned to follow relationship "escalators," those predetermined paths that dictate how our connections should progress. But what happens when we step off these escalators and design our relationships according to our own values? What if we could move beyond hierarchical...
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223 Recovering From Purity Culture with Lauren Elise Barnes
Purity culture can often shape our sexuality in ways we don't even realize. Whether you grew up deeply immersed in it or just caught the edges, cultural messages about sexual "purity" impact how we view ourselves, our bodies, and our relationships. But what happens when we start questioning these...
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222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships
Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest...
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221 The Art of Reassurance: Relating Through Doubt and Fear
When we're feeling insecure in our relationships (especially during transitions like opening up, navigating new relationship dynamics, or major life changes), we often seek reassurance from our partners. But what does effective reassurance actually look like? How can we offer it authentically...
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220 How to Finally Hear Each Other: Low vs. High Context Communication
Communication is the foundation of all relationships. But what happens when we're speaking different languages without even realizing it? Often the result is confusion, frustration, and feeling misunderstood. Enter, the fascinating world of high context and low context communication styles. This...
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219 A Patient Path into Non-Monogamy with Laura & Bill
Many of us hear stories about couples who dive headfirst into non-monogamy without preparation (what I call the "jumping out of the airplane without a parachute" approach). But after 33 years of marriage, Bill and Laura decided to explore non-monogamy through a gradual, education-centered path....
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218 What will opening up do to us?
When couples consider opening their relationships, one of the most common questions that comes up is: "What will happen to us?" This fear makes perfect sense—you've built something special together, and the prospect of change can feel threatening to the relationship you've carefully cultivated....
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ABOUT THIS SHOW
Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
HOSTED BY
Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton
CATEGORIES
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Frequently Asked Questions
How many episodes does Playing With Fire have?
Playing With Fire currently has 265 episodes available on PodParley. New episodes are automatically indexed when they're published to the podcast feed.
What is Playing With Fire about?
Welcome to Playing With Fire, the podcast for people who are ready to custom-build their love. We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity. Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
How often does Playing With Fire release new episodes?
Playing With Fire publishes regularly with 265 episodes available. Check the episode list for the typical release schedule.
Where can I listen to Playing With Fire?
You can listen to Playing With Fire on PodParley by clicking any episode. We provide an embedded audio player for direct listening, and you can also subscribe via your preferred podcast app using the RSS feed.
Who hosts Playing With Fire?
Playing With Fire is created and hosted by Joli Hamilton, PhD and Ken Hamilton.
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