Recovering Out Loud

How addiction treatment went from moral failing to disease to harm reduction — 240 years of recovery history, told through lived experience. This is a peer recovery podcast, not medical advice.I'm Anthony, an alcoholic and addict in recovery since 2015. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I walk the whole arc of how society has explained and treated addiction — moral failing, disease, medicine, harm reduction — and why every one of those models is still alive in the room today. You can meet all of them in one 12-step meeting, one hospital, one comment section.The 12 steps are younger than the telephone. Methadone is younger than television. Almost everything we call "treatment" was invented inside living memory. Here's the timeline:From sin, to disease, to medicine, to just keeping people alive — each model didn't replace the last. They're all still in the room, arguing. Recovery isn't one thing and never has been. Whatever door worked for you — 12 steps, medication, harm reduction, a fellowship — it exists because people before us refused to accept moral failure as the final word.The opposite of addiction is connection.

Ten honest lessons from another sober summer — victimhood, relapse, isolation, service, and faith.Summer's over and I'm back to school for my counseling diploma, so this one is a reflection on getting another summer under my belt sober. If you made it through sober — congratulations, I'm proud of you. And if you didn't, I'm proud of you for being here and trying to do better. Coming back from a slip is the hardest thing I've ever done.These are ten things I've journaled and thought about over the last few months working a recovery program. They're not clinical advice — just one person's lived experience, out loud:Recovery is simple — not easy. And if no one's told you today: I love you.

My real problem was never the drugs or alcohol. It was King Baby — the toddler ego running my life.In 2015, in treatment at Hazelden, I read a little pamphlet by Tom Cunningham called King Baby. It rewired how I saw my whole problem. It made me realize I wasn't a victim — I was the problem. Not the drugs, not the alcohol. Those were symptoms. The disease underneath is perception: being stuck inside myself, unable to get out of my own head.This episode is my walk through that idea. We all start as King Baby — the infant at the center of the universe, every need met instantly. Most people grow out of it. Some of us never shed it, and the infant ego spends a lifetime trying to get that warmth back. Enter drugs and alcohol: the thing that made me feel like the center of the universe again — until it stopped working.I get honest about the "sheriff of the universe" in me (the one who's right, you're wrong, and everyone in traffic is breaking Anthony's law), the masks we wear so the real self can't get rejected, and why King Baby can't tolerate calm — how we rock the boat and manufacture chaos to hide a shrinking sense of worth. Then the way out: surrender (putting down a job I was never qualified for), humility, letting the community love me until I could love myself, and choosing — every day — whether King Baby or the program gets the mic.This is lived experience, not medical advice. I'm not a doctor or a clinician. I'm an alcoholic and addict in recovery. King Baby's still in there. He just doesn't drive the bus anymore.Would you rather be right, or free? I want to be free.FIND THE PAMPHLET HERE

Nobody warns you sobriety can make anxiety louder, not quieter — here's why, and what actually helps.When you put down the drink or the drug, the anxiety you were medicating doesn't vanish. It gets uncovered. In this solo episode I talk about the 2 a.m. racing heart, the tight chest before a phone call, the dread with no evidence — and why the further I get from a substance, the louder my brain can get.Anxiety and substance use feed each other, and I break down the two directions that takes: the anxiety that came first and got "solved" by a drink, and the rebound anxiety the substance itself manufactures. We get into why early recovery spikes anxiety (post-acute withdrawal — the second wave nobody warns you about), the anxiety–relapse loop that keeps so many of us stuck, and how avoidance quietly wears respectable clothes: skipped meetings, isolation, and yes, workaholism.Then the part this show exists for — the solutions. Five tools, strongest-evidence-first: thought work (CBT), breathwork, movement, sleep, and connection — plus an honest word about medication. This is lived experience and peer perspective, not medical advice. I'm not a doctor or a clinician. I'm an alcoholic and addict in recovery, sharing what's worked for me.Anxiety was never the enemy. It's information from a nervous system built to outrun bears, now stuck managing a group text. You can feel it and be okay. It peaks, and it comes down — every time.

Willpower won't keep you sober — it's a battery, and it drains. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, Anthony makes the case that year one isn't about white-knuckling, it's about building: constructing the routines and habits that do the heavy lifting so recovery isn't a decision you have to remake at your weakest moment.He starts by killing a myth — the "21 days to a habit" idea has been debunked since the 1960s. The research that actually holds up found a median of 66 days for a behavior to become automatic, with a wide range (roughly 18 to 254 days), and exercise-type habits taking longer. What matters more than the number: consistency beats intensity, and one missed day doesn't break a habit — it's the consecutive misses that do. As Anthony puts it, you don't relapse because you skipped one meeting; you relapse because you skipped it again and again.Then he walks through the keystone habits that make everything else easier: structuring your day around the danger hours (your old use times), protecting sleep as a genuine relapse driver, moving your body, getting into community, eating regularly (with HALT — hungry, angry, lonely, tired — as a daily craving gut-check), and a daily emotional check-in to name feelings before they drive a relapse. Running through all of it is the one keystone that holds the rest together: connection. Reach out on a good day so reaching out on a bad day is already wired in.This is lived experience, not clinical advice — but the science is real. Anthony references the meta-analytic evidence for exercise in substance use disorders, the large review of 12-step and mutual-help involvement, and James Clear's Atomic Habits on removing obstacles to make good habits easier and bad ones harder.This week's one thing: Pick one small habit. Anchor it to something you already do. Do it imperfectly. Recovery isn't for those who need it or want it — it's for those who do it.Recovering Out Loud is produced by ROL Productions. Anthony shares as a person in long-term recovery — peer to peer, lived experience only, never as a clinician or expert.

Perfectionism isn't a personality quirk — it's a documented relapse risk, and it doesn't switch off just because you got sober. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, Anthony unpacks how the same engine that drove the using — the need to be liked, to fit in, to perform, to be "the funny guy" — quietly follows us into recovery and sets up the next slip.We get into the difference researchers draw between perfectionistic strivings (high personal standards, which can be healthy) and perfectionistic concerns (fear of mistakes, dread of judgment, self-worth on the line) — and why the second one is the one that hurts you. Anthony walks through the abstinence violation effect: how it isn't the slip that relapses you, it's the shame spiral about the slip. He shares his own story of not even recognizing he was in a relapse — telling his story in a 12-step room while still in it — and the all-or-nothing "might as well burn it all down" thinking that turns one bad moment into a full return to use.This is lived experience, not clinical advice. But the tools Anthony names are evidence-based: catching all-or-nothing thoughts (a CBT move), self-compassion (backed by meta-analysis and RCTs showing it weakens maladaptive perfectionism), and deliberately doing one recovery thing imperfectly on purpose — the "B-minus" practice that teaches your brain you can fall short and survive it.If you've ever skipped the meeting because you couldn't do it right, quit the journal after one missed day, or worn the "I've got it together" mask while quietly drowning — this one's for you. Recovery doesn't ask you to be perfect. It asks you to be honest.This week's one thing: Do one recovery thing imperfectly, on purpose. Notice that you survive it.Recovering Out Loud is produced by ROL Productions. Anthony shares as a person in long-term recovery — peer to peer, lived experience only, never as a clinician or expert.

Why the pain, not why the addiction? An honest, peer look at the trauma model of recovery.This week it's a solo one. I sit with two thinkers who reshaped how we talk about addiction — Gabor Maté (In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts) and Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score) — and I try to do the thing recovery content usually skips: take what's genuinely useful, and stay honest about where it gets oversold.Maté's line — the question isn't why the addiction, it's why the pain — did more to pull shame out of addiction than almost anything this century. It reframes you from a bad person into a hurt person, and for a lot of us that's the first door out of self-hatred. Van der Kolk adds that trauma doesn't just live in your memory, it lives in the body and nervous system — which is why cravings and relapse aren't a simple willpower problem.I also get personal about what trauma actually is (it's not only the "big" events — it's how your body stored what happened), a grade-four moment I still carry, and the long work of forgiving myself, including after a relapse that cost me what I thought was seven and a half years.Then the other side. Critics like Stanton Peele and Nick Haslam point out that most people with addiction weren't traumatized as children, and most people who were traumatized don't become addicted — trauma raises risk, it doesn't write destiny. Richard McNally argues some of the science gets stated more strongly than the evidence supports. The danger for us in recovery: "my trauma made me this way" can flip from liberating to a life sentence. The honest frame — your pain is real, and you're still not sentenced by it. Understanding why you hurt is a starting line, not a verdict.Two questions I leave you with: – Does understanding my pain free me, or give me a place to hide? – My pain is real, and I'm still responsible for ______.Recovering Out Loud is peer-to-peer lived experience, not medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling, please reach out to a professional or a trusted person in your life.

Surrender sounded like giving up — until it became the thing that finally let me stop losing.For years I thought surrender meant waving the white flag: defeat, quitting, rolling over. My ego hated it. This solo episode is me trying to do what nobody did for me early on — actually explain what surrender is, what it isn't, and how you practice it on an ordinary Tuesday.I get into the difference between compliance and surrender — a distinction the psychiatrist Dr. Harry Tiebout drew back in the 1950s. Compliance is going through the motions while privately keeping a date in your head for when you'll go back. Surrender is the internal shift where you stop reserving that exit. I was compliant through all three of my rehabs before I ever actually surrendered — and from the outside, the two look identical. Only you know the difference.I talk about my third time in treatment, the moment I handed over my drugs and said I'm done; why real surrender tends to show up right when the ego runs out of moves; and why it's never one-and-done. It's a state you keep returning to — in traffic, in a resentment, in a craving, in the things about my own health I can't control right now. I share the metaphor a therapist gave me: treat your anxiety, fear, and depression like guests knocking at the door. You can board it up, or you can invite them in for coffee and watch them leave on their own.And the paradox at the center of all of it: the more I surrender, the more freedom, peace, and quiet I actually get.If you're white-knuckling right now, here's the honest starting point — compliance counts. It gets you in the door. Surrender can come later.Recovery is simple. It's just not easy.

Working the steps gets you sober. Living the principles keeps you there. All 12 — and why they hold.My mentor asks me one question: "How are you living today, Anthony?" It's easy to be a star in the rooms — shake hands, smile, say everything's great. But the magic is in the other 99% of life: the traffic, the argument, the boring Wednesday afternoon. Step 12 says to practice these principles in all our affairs, and this episode is about what that actually looks like day to day.Addiction ran on dishonesty, isolation, and being the center of my own universe. Recovery didn't work because I white-knuckled that old system harder — it worked because I started running a new one. That's what the principles are. And they keep you sober almost mechanically: you can't be honest, connected, of service, and paying attention, and also be quietly walking toward a relapse. Those two things can't run at the same time.I walk all twelve — what each one is, what it costs, and why living it keeps you from picking up. Take what works, leave the rest. There's no official list of these; this is the version I've lived with.

Ten things I thought were normal until I got sober — supply math, pre-gaming, the morning panic. I'm not a doctor. I'm just a guy who did all ten of these, and didn't realize nobody else was living like this until I put it down.In this solo episode I walk through the behaviours that quietly separate problem drinking from normal drinking — the stuff we laugh about in the rooms because we all thought we were the only one. If you're sitting with the question "am I an alcoholic or not," this one's for you. I can't answer that for you. Nobody can. But maybe hearing your own life described back to you helps you decide.The 10:Supply math — knowing exactly how much is left, to the ouncePre-gaming — warming up before the thing where you'll already be drinking"Just one" being a foreign concept — one was a starting pistol, not a finish lineand more...A bit of my story is in here too: in recovery since 2015, a relapse around seven and a half years, and one and a half years sober again today. Grateful to be alive, grateful to be sober.None of this made me a bad person. It made me a person with a thing. And every one of these stopped the day I stopped.If you're new, or you've been here a while and needed the reminder — thank you for listening. Follow the show if you haven't; it's the best (and free-est) way to support it.

The wins nobody claps for are the ones that built your recovery. Here are the hidden ones.We throw parties for the first sober birthday and the first sober holiday. But nobody warns you about the first sober funeral, the first sober breakup, the first heartbreak you walk through with nothing to numb it. In this solo episode I share the opportunities that hid inside the hard parts of getting sober — the ones I almost missed because I was looking at them the wrong way.This one is a perspective shift. Addiction, for me, was a disease of perception — being stuck in my own view and unable to see another angle. Recovery keeps handing me a different lens. So I walk through the moments most of us overlook:— The quiet window after an urge passes. Cravings work like waves: they build, peak, and fade, usually faster than you'd think, if you don't feed them. The magic isn't the wave passing — it's the proof you bank when it does. "I survived that without using." That's a rep.— Boredom as data, not danger. Boredom is one of the most reliable relapse triggers there is. But it's a signal, not a threat — it's pointing at a gap. When you read it instead of running from it, it tells you what you actually need.— Resentment as a mirror. The people who get under my skin are usually holding up a mirror I don't want to look in. Every name on the resentment list is a pointer at a fear or a want of mine in disguise. It turns a hit list into a treasure map.— The 2 a.m. scroll as a check-in. The scroll isn't the problem — it's a symptom. Instead of piling on shame, I use it as my body raising its hand: what am I actually avoiding right now?— The hours you get back. Active addiction was a full-time job. Recovery didn't just remove the substance — it handed me back the clock. That reclaimed time is terrifying and it's the single biggest hidden opportunity there is. Don't just fill it so you don't drink. Build a life you don't want to escape from.A note before you listen: this is for the everyday hard feelings — the cravings, the resentments, the 4 p.m. dread. It is not a substitute for real help in a crisis. Some waves need a lifeguard, not a surfboard. Riding it out and reaching out are both strength — the work is knowing which one the moment calls for.

Ten weird things my alcoholic brain still does in recovery — and why none of them run my life anymore.I've been in recovery since 2015. I relapsed around seven and a half years in, and I'm back — a year and a half sober again. This is a solo one: just me laughing at my own brain out loud, because I'm convinced it works differently than someone who doesn't have this thing. For me, alcoholism is a disease of perception — I'm the center, everyone else is just orbiting, and I only ever get my own lens.So I made a list of the patterns I still catch myself running. The arguments I win against strangers who have no idea we're fighting. The "must be nice" my brain mutters when I clock someone else using. The full movie of every possible outcome it insists on screening before anything's even happened. Some of it's funny. Some of it is the exact thinking that used to drink at me. Most of it, I'd bet, you'll recognize.Here's the part that matters: today I can watch all of it happen and just go, "oh, I'm doing that thing again" — and let it pass. The space between the thought and the action gets bigger. It gets quieter. That's what showing up does.If you're in it right now and can't stop drinking or using: keep showing up. Find someone in recovery who has what you want, and do what they did. Simple, not easy.If no one's told you today — I love you. Recovery is simple, not easy.

Ten recovery myths that keep people stuck — from someone sober again after a hard relapse. Almost everything I thought I knew about getting sober turned out to be wrong, and some of it nearly cost me my life. In this solo episode I go through ten of the biggest myths I hear online, from friends, and in the news — why each one sticks around, and what's tended to be truer in my actual experience.I'm a year and a half sober after seven and a half years of continuous sobriety and a relapse I didn't see coming. So I've been on both sides of most of these: the version of me that believed them, and the version that lived long enough to find out they were false. This isn't clinical advice and I'm not a doctor — it's lived experience, peer to peer. Take what you like and leave the rest.We cover:Whether you really have to "hit rock bottom" first (and what a bottom actually is)Why addiction was never about willpower for meThe "once you're sober you're cured" trap — and why sober is the starting line, not the finishWhat relapse does and doesn't eraseWhy "do it on your own" kept me sickThe high-functioning myth ("I'm not bad enough to need help")Medication in recovery — and why that's between you and your doctorThe moderation fantasyThe idea that recovery is boringWhether you have to "want it" before treatment can workIf one of these lands for you, that's the point. Write your own myths in the comments.

CHEF DEV IS BACK...A counsellor once asked Devan: what's wrong with the way you feel? This is that conversation. Chef Devan Rajkumar Today, he travels and cooks across different cities, constantly learning, evolving, and refining his approach. Every kitchen, every culture, and every experience adds to how he creates. He stays curious, asks questions, and continues to grow because great food comes from understanding, not ego.He was filling out intake forms in treatment, and where they asked why he got high, he wrote the honest answer — I love the feeling of it. The counsellor read it back and asked him one question that took years to really land: what's wrong with the way you feel? That question sits underneath everything we get into here.We start somewhere lighter — cutting the "jacked guys" out of an Instagram feed — and end up on steroids, peptides and Ozempic as drugs, and the question neither of us fully answered: are you still sober if you're on gear? From there it goes where the real ones go. Body shaming and the comments that stick — the uncle who says "you got fat" before he says hello. The guilt and shame under the attention. And the root of it: what are you actually escaping from?Devan opens up about the mask, the people-pleasing, and putting the oxygen mask on everyone but himself. We talk about how you help someone who won't help themselves, the bridge you can't see until you've crossed it, and why early recovery feels impossible from the inside. Then the stuff that keeps us here: quitting cigarettes and finally deciding if I put it in my body, it has to be good for me. The double life and the secrets that fuel relapse — because in my experience it was never the substance, it was the behaviours around it. The strivers' curse — trading the addiction for a stacked calendar and an overtrained body. Spirituality as humility and gratitude. Seva — selfless service with nobody watching. And a moment I didn't expect, where Devan gets honest about where his own program is thin right now, and decides to do something about it.Nobody in this one has it all figured out. That's the point. If you've ever sat in a room thinking you're the worst one doing this, this episode is for you.This is a peer conversation — lived experience, not clinical or professional advice.👋 If this hit homeFollow Recovering Out Loud so the next one finds you, and leave a rating if the show's ever helped — it's the single biggest thing that helps another struggling person find us. 

What happens when you tell people you're sober — and how to handle every reaction.Getting sober is one job. Telling people you're sober is a completely separate one — and it never really ends. New party, new drink in someone's outstretched hand, and there you are deciding again how to say it. In this solo episode, Anthony walks through the reactions you'll actually get when you tell people you don't drink, what each one really means (spoiler: it's usually about them, not you), and how much you actually owe anyone.This is one person's lived experience, not a rulebook. Everybody's disclosure looks different — take what helps and leave the rest.Inside this episode:The five reactions — the Defensive Drinker, the "Good For You," the Pusher, the Pity, and the Fighter — and what's driving eachWhy disclosure and anonymity are two different things (you can be open about being sober without ever naming a program)The full menu of what to say, from "I don't drink" as a complete sentence to the lines that shut down a pusherHandling it in the wild: dating, work, family, and the old friend groups who only ever knew you with a drink in your handThe reframe that takes their reaction off your shoulders — and the upside almost nobody mentionsIf you're finding your footing in sobriety, being open about it out loud turns a private struggle into something with a door in it. That's the whole point of the show.Follow Recovering Out Loud so the next episode finds you, and if it helped, leave a rating — it's the single biggest thing that helps someone else find the show.💬 Comment: what reaction caught you off guard, and what do you say when someone asks why you're not drinking?Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

The Four Agreements, read through a recovery lens — words, resentment, assumptions, and doing your best.A quiet 1997 book that keeps showing up in the rooms, even though it wasn't written for them. I gothrough all four agreements and how each maps onto staying sober — the self-talk that runs onautopilot, the gossip that turns fellowship into a rumor mill, the resentments we build out ofthings that were never about us, and the perfectionism that punishes an imperfect day into arelapse. Peer perspective and lived experience only — not professional advice.Pick one agreement. Live with it for seven days. Notice what shifts.In paid partnership with New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). DM HOME for info.Follow Recovering Out Loud on Spotify and tap the bell. If no one told you today — I love you.

The thing that almost killed me and the thing keeping me sober are the same voice: ego.In this solo episode I break down ego the way it actually shows up in recovery — not the loudmouth cliché, but the quiet self-centeredness underneath it. Ego has two faces that trade shifts: the top of the seesaw ("I've got this, the rules don't apply to me") and the bottom ("I'm the worst, nobody's been through what I've been through"). Grandiosity and self-pity are the same lie wearing different clothes — the lie that I'm the center of the story.I get into how ego keeps us sick: it's the bouncer at the door of help. Terminal uniqueness ("my situation is different, so I don't have to do the work"). Being right over being well. Comparison — measuring my insides against everyone else's outsides, the thief of joy. And the complacency trap, where the longer you're sober the quieter ego gets, until it whispers one won't hurt. I share the Jamaica story — two years sober, funnels on the beach, and the pause that let me play the tape all the way through.Then resentment and relapse: how ego keeps a ledger, charges interest, and builds the on-ramp back one justification at a time. (Yes, there's an elevator story.)The back half is the antidote — humility. Not humiliation, not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less. Right-sizing. Asking for help before I'm on fire. Staying teachable. Service that inconveniences me. Getting honest with someone, because secrets keep you sick. The goal was never to kill the ego — recovery is an ego-deflating process. Start from zero every day, catch the voice a little quicker, and stop letting it drive the bus.If no one's told you yet today: I love you. And remember — recovery is simple, not easy.Book mentioned: Emotional Sobriety: The Next FrontierNew Beginnings Recovery Home — this episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home, a disclosed partner of the show. If you or someone you love needs a next step, DM the word HOME and we'll point you in the right direction. newbeginningsrecovery.ca

The thing that kept me sober turned out to be the thing that made me better at being a person.Recovery isn't just about not using — it's a full retraining in how to be a human being. Most of us don't notice how many of those skills transfer until we're using them on a Tuesday at work. Today I walk through the six that followed me out the door of rehab and straight into a better life — not just financially, but in my relationships and how I show up.The 6 skills:The pause — the gap between an urge and your action, and how it grows the longer you stay soberHALT — hungry, angry, lonely, tired: scan your own state before you decide the problem is your marriageOne day at a time — shrinking the unit of time you're responsible for so the impossible becomes doableRigorous honesty — you can't stay sober on a foundation of secrets, and the honest version of you is more trustworthy than the polished oneAmends over apology — sorry is a sentence; an amends is a pattern changeAsking for help — the "I should handle this myself" voice is the same one that almost killed meThese aren't recovery hacks. They're life skills most people never get formally taught — school skips emotional regulation. Getting sober forced me to learn them under pressure. What a gift.Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, please reach out to someone you trust or a local support line.Which skill are you going to use this week? Tell me in the comments.This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land go to their website

Money, cars, a house — all recoverable. Your health and your life aren't. That's one of ten lessons I pulled from the consequences of my addiction.Before I get into them: if you hear one of these and think "mine wasn't that bad" or "mine was worse" — stop comparing. Look for the similarities, not the differences. Our circumstances differ, but I know addiction, so I know what you're going through.After 11 years in and around recovery — a relapse at seven and a half years, and a year and a half back now — here's what the wreckage taught me:It always gets worse when I pick up. I'm the cautionary tale.Debt — and finding out shopping was a cross-addiction I still have to watchThe accidents: "I haven't done it yet" beats "I'd never do that"A health scare that showed me exactly where I was headedBeing homeless isn't fun — and how a lower bottom finally got me readyLosing jobs, and pointing the finger inwardJekyll and Hyde: I become a different person when I useHonesty is the best policy — especially when it costs meMaterial things come back. Health and life often don't.Accountability, forgiveness, and the family that isn't owed to mePeer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, please reach out to someone you trust or a local support line.Which lesson hit hardest? Tell me in the comments.This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca) — the same place I go to share my story with clients. If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction. (Disclosed partnership.)Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

Sober and bitter isn't recovery — it's the same disease in a suit. That's opinion #1, and there are six more.After 11 years in and around recovery — including a relapse at seven and a half years and a year and a half back — these are the takes I've landed on that don't always match the popular line. I'm not preaching them as fact. I'm open to being wrong, and I want to hear where you disagree.Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're struggling or in crisis, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.Which one poked a bruise? Tell me in the comments — agree, disagree, or the ones I missed.This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction. Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

Your feelings are real — but they're not reality. That's the line that reframed how I do recovery, and it's the heart of today's Borrowed Wisdom.I'm reading the highlight quotes from one of my favourite speaker tapes — Don M. on emotional sobriety — and adding my own lived-experience take. This one's about the crux of staying sober long-term: your feelings are valid, but they don't get to run the show.We get into:Creating space between a feeling and an action — including a near-miss with a Tesla in a downtown Toronto bike lane, and the one thing recovery gave me: the pauseThe "illness of superlatives" and all-or-nothing thinkingReframing addiction from the worst thing that ever happened to me into the greatest giftWhy "first thought wrong" keeps showing up disguised as common senseNot buying into resentment, and letting go of outcomes — trusting the author when I can't see the planRecovery as a doing program, not a thinking oneRock bottom as a decision I've got a world of control overThe one contrary action that separates the person who stays sober from the one who can'tIf you're struggling today, I hope one line in here lands for you. You're not as stuck as your brain is telling you.Peer perspective only — this isn't medical or clinical advice. If you're in crisis or need real help, reach out to someone you trust or a local support service.New here? Start with the pinned "Best place to start" episode on the show page.This episode is supported by New Beginnings Recovery Home (newbeginningsrecovery.ca). If you or someone you love needs a supportive place to land, DM the word HOME and our automation will point you in the right direction. (Disclosed partnership.)Recovering Out Loud — Real stories.

What do you do when someone close to you goes back out? In this solo episode I talk through what it's actually like when someone in your circle relapses — the fear, the grief, the guilt, and the relief nobody admits out loud. I've been on both sides of it: I've watched people I love relapse, and I've been the one people were trying to reach when I went back out after seven and a half years. This is lived experience, peer to peer — what helped me, what didn't, and how to support someone without setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.If no one has told you yet today: I love you, and recovery is simple, not easy.⚠️ Need help right now? This episode is in partnership with New Beginnings Recovery Home — an inpatient treatment centre near the Scarborough Bluffs. If you or someone you love is ready to reach out: ➡️ https://newbeginningsrecovery.ca/contact-us.html 📞 1-888-639-6308

Joe got laid off in July, ended up in a trap house by the weekend, and figured he had the summer off. By September he had a DUI, a car that had flipped twice and landed ten feet from a family's bedroom window, a second crash, and a Facebook post about him shared twelve hundred times that he found out about from a friend on the couch beside him.He was three weeks into rehab before he thought he was an addict. In this one he tells me what actually turned it: not a counselor, not a speech — a guest speaker with the same name and the same story, which killed the idea that he was special. Then a 45-page disclosure, two hours of hard truth, twenty character reference letters, and a judge who said he didn't have enough ties to the community to stay out of jail.We get into emotional illiteracy and the feelings wheel he couldn't make sense of. The fear inventory where he wrote down "horses." Working in this field without going numb. Why he thinks a certain kind of gossip is actually accountability. Why stagnation scares him more than craving. And the best advice he's ever gotten — stay open to information from anywhere, because you have no idea who's carrying it.Joe does a lot of quiet work in this community. This one's honest all the way through.If you're struggling: reach out to someone. That's the whole ask.Recovering Out Loud is a peer-led recovery podcast. I'm someone in recovery talking to other people in recovery. Nothing here is treatment advice.New episodes twice a week. Follow the show on Spotify and leave a rating — it's the fastest way to help someone find it. Instagram: @recoveringoutloudpod

I didn't wake up one day and decide to use after seven and a half years. The relapse started weeks — months — before the first drink or drug. I just called it a rough patch and looked away.This one lives in the space before relapse: the quiet drift most of us miss until it's too late. I walk through 10 warning signs I wish I'd caught in myself, from pulling away from support to romanticizing the past to the slow fading of purpose. Not a checklist to scare you — a mirror.I'm not here as an expert. I'm here as someone who relapsed, came back, and is grateful to be sober today. If one of these signs is flashing for you right now, you're not failing recovery. You caught it. That's a deposit.If this helped, follow the show wherever you're listening and leave a rating — it's how the next person finds it.Need help right now? This episode is brought to you in partnership with New Beginnings Recovery Home, an inpatient treatment centre near the Scarborough Bluffs. If you or someone you love is ready to reach out: https://newbeginningsrecovery.ca — or call 1-888-639-6308.

Another Borrowed Wisdom episode — I read the highlight clips from a Bob talk that shifted something in me, and reflect on them one at a time.This one lands hard on the stuff nobody tells you when you first put the drink down: that the real problem starts where the bottle ends. Bob talks about being restless, irritable and discontent as a little kid, long before he ever picked up. The "disease of more" that no amount of drinking, drugs, or even getting jacked at the gym could ever fill. And the scariest place I've ever been in my own recovery — the dry drunk. Sober, but not living.We get into geographic escapes that don't work, the redwoods that topple when they grow alone, and why community is the thing that replaced the drink for me. It closes where it always seems to: everything you want is on the other side of the action you're avoiding.Chapters below. This is lived experience and peer perspective — one addict sharing what's kept me sober one more day.If this helped, follow Recovering Out Loud on whatever platform you're on and leave a rating — it's the thing that helps the next person find it. Recovery is simple. Not easy.Need help? Visit https://newbeginningsrecovery.ca/

Everyone in recovery preaches gratitude. Almost nobody tells you it can feel completely fake when you're hurting.In this solo episode I get into what gratitude actually is in recovery — the difference between the performative "#blessed" version and the real thing — why it's so hard early on and after a relapse, and how I practice it without lying to myself. I talk about grateful for the rock bottoms, the boring wins of sobriety, gratitude as an action instead of a feeling, and the traps to avoid (bypassing, comparison, forcing it).This isn't "be positive and your problems disappear." It's a real look at gratitude as a tool — what it does, why it's hard, and how to actually use it.What helped me might help you. Recovery is simple, not easy.🎧 Follow Recovering Out Loud so you don't miss an episode. 📩 DM me on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod — I answer every message.

Getting sober doesn't automatically make you a good person. Remove the alcohol or the drugs and you're left with the same wiring — the self-centeredness, the main-character syndrome, the 100 forms of self-centered fear that ran the show all along. The problem starts where the bottle ends.In this solo episode, Anthony talks honestly about the selfishness that outlasts the substance: the sneaky forms it takes in sobriety (recovery self-absorption, keeping score in relationships, using sobriety as a moral trump card, hiding behind "I'm working on myself"), why self-obsession is a real relapse risk, and the oldest fix there is — getting out of self through service.This is self-honesty, not self-hatred. Noticing your own selfishness is the growth, not proof that you're a bad person.Shared from lived experience, one addict to another. If this lands with you, the greatest payment I can receive is a follow — it helps the next person struggling find the show.

She had 11 months sober — then relapsed over an argument she'd only ever had in her own head.Jen returns to the show to walk through what came next: eight months of counting drinks, sneaking drinks, and trying to "manage it" — a stretch she says felt crazier than when she was strung out. From there it's the recovery that finally stuck: getting sober for good, becoming a sober mom (which she says was harder than getting sober the first time), and finding the four things she believes every recovery path has in common.This is two people in recovery talking honestly — lived experience, peer to peer, no experts and no scripts. We get into alcohol and drug recovery, what actually drives a relapse, emotional sobriety, spirituality without the "Sky Daddy," and why “ 12 step recovery helped me — and it's not the only way."▶️ New here? This one's a good place to start if you've ever wondered whether you could just cut back instead of quit.If it lands, follow the show and send it to one person who needs it today.⏱️ Chapters below.Generation Women Canada: https://www.generationwomen.ca/

This is Part 2 of Borrowed Wisdom: Earl, "The Path to Freedom." Earl is one of my all-time favourites in recovery. I pulled the quotes that hit hardest and reflected on each one from my own experience — a guy who relapsed after 7.5 years sober and had to find his way back.What we get into:- The mask we wear — in addiction, in sobriety, and how the tough guy performance set up my relapse- Fear as the real engine behind addiction (we're not bad people — we're frightened ones)- Self-worth that doesn't depend on other people's reception- Kindness vs. people-pleasing — a real difference most people miss- Forgiveness as a selfish act, done for yourself- 5–10 minutes of meditation and what it actually does to your impulse control- Service as the greatest high in recovery- The dying man story — and the gratitude reset it delivers every timeWant the full Earl tape? DM me on Instagram: @RecoveringOutLoudPodRecovery is simple, not easy. I love you.

Some recovery stories are told from one side. This one isn't.Chloe lived the alcoholism. Andrew loved her through it — and watched both the addiction and the recovery up close. In this episode they sit down together and rebuild the same years from two different chairs: how they fell for each other fast, how the drinking took over, the hospital trips, the relapses, and the night it finally turned.Along the way they get into the stuff nobody warns you about — the "morning me vs. nighttime me" split that runs through active addiction, what it actually does to the person who loves you, why staying can sometimes prevent the rock bottom someone needs to hit, and the hardest truth either of them learned: when you step away from this disease for three months or thirty years, you come back exactly where you left off.If you love someone in active addiction, or you've been the one being loved while you were using, this is your conversation.Chapters 0:00 – "I already know how I'd relapse" 1:37 – Love at first sight 13:43 – Withdrawal & the first 911 call 22:09 – Morning Chloe vs. Nighttime Chloe 33:20 – Walking on eggshells: loving an addict 40:56 – The last day & a psychotic break 44:52 – "Losing things is what gets people better" 47:34 – Where they are today🎧 Best place to start if you're new here. It's the full arc — using, loving, losing, and coming back — in one sitting.▶️ Host recommendation: if this one lands, go to the solo episodes on euphoric recall and the emotional sobriety plateau next.If you're carrying this for someone you love, or for yourself: you're not the only one. Follow the show so the next episode finds you, and if it helped, leave a rating — it's the single biggest thing that gets these stories to the next person who needs them.Recovering Out Loud is peer-led and built on lived experience, not clinical advice.

Nobody warns you that sobriety can stop feeling like a win.They warn you about the cravings, the first 30 days, the holidays. Nobody tells you about the Tuesday — a couple of years in — when the chips slow down, the applause stops, and being sober just becomes your life. And somewhere in that quiet, the old voice gets an opening.I know it because I lived it. I relapsed after seven and a half years sober — not on a bad day, but in the flat part, the stretch where recovery stopped feeling like an achievement and started feeling like nothing at all.This is a raw, lived-experience episode about the emotional sobriety plateau: why the "win" feeling was always going to fade (hello, hedonic adaptation), how "flat" gets mistranslated into "something's wrong," the difference between being dry and being emotionally sober, and what actually helped me build a life I don't want to escape from.If you've ever thought is this it? — this one's for you.🎙 Recovering Out Loud — peer-led recovery media built on lived experience. Real stories. 📲 recoveringoutloud.ca · @recoveringoutloudpod Follow / subscribe so the next one finds you.This podcast shares one person's lived experience and is not medical or clinical advice.

This is the first in a new series — Borrowed Wisdom — where I share the greatest recovery speaker tapes that saved my life. Every resentment I've ever had came from fear, and a speaker named Bob D broke that wide open for me.In this solo episode I pull the highlights from a speaker tape that's saved my ass more times than I can count, and I reflect on what each line means in my own recovery. We get into why we lie out of fear instead of malice, why the voice in your head projects the worst-case every time (and is almost always wrong), the difference between faith and trust — the wheelbarrow on the tightrope — and why every character defect comes with a "cookie" attached. We close on the paradox that the longer I stay sober, the more help I actually need.If you've ever stayed stuck in a resentment, talked yourself out of something before you even tried, or wondered why "letting go" feels impossible — this one's for you.If no one's told you today: I love you. Recovery is simple, not easy.▶ Follow the show so you don't miss the next one. 📩 Want the full talks? DM me on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod — I'll send them over.

I said "I'm sorry" so many times in my addiction that the word stopped meaning anything. All words, no action — guilt with a better vocabulary. In this solo episode I get into the difference between a verbal amends and a living amends: not the conversation, but the daily commitment to behave differently and become someone who doesn't repeat the harm.I talk about cleaning up my side of the street, moving from taker to giver, making amends to myself, and the trap of using "I'll just live differently" as an escape hatch to avoid the hard conversations. I also tell the story of running into my old drug dealer at the gym five years sober — and what I did next.This one's about rebuilding trust after addiction, forgiving yourself first, and why your family doesn't owe you forgiveness — but your actions, over time, speak louder than any apology.Recovery is simple, not easy.🎧 New episodes twice a week. If this helped, follow the show — it genuinely helps it grow.0:00 Guilt with a better vocabulary0:34 What this episode is really about1:11 "How do I pay my parents back?"1:29 Welcome to Recovering Out Loud2:12 What a living amends actually is2:49 Verbal amends vs. living amends3:19 Moving from taker to giver4:02 My purpose is to be of service4:19 When living amends is the right path5:21 Amends is for you, not for them5:46 The trap: amends as an escape hatch6:32 Making amends to yourself7:11 The long game — there's no finish line7:47 What it feels like with family8:28 You cannot heal anyone9:18 Why your worst comes out at home10:26 Nobody owes you forgiveness11:16 Integrity when nobody's watching12:03 The drug dealer at the gym13:31 Don't put yourself in danger13:46 If an amends pops into your head15:06 Disturbed, discontent, disconnected15:34 It's a process — progress not perfection16:10 Don't use being high as an excuse16:32 How to actually make the amends17:22 Forgive yourself first18:09 The nightly inventory18:31 Outro

10 unfiltered thoughts from my morning journal on staying sober, comparison, peace over happiness, and the war that's really with myself.At a year and a half sober again, I sat down with my morning journal and pulled out 10 thoughts that are keeping me in recovery right now — then talked them through, raw and unscripted.This one's about comparison and jealousy in the recovery and creator space ("why not me?"), getting through hard times one day at a time, building a morning routine when your old life had no structure, beating boredom by reconnecting with friends, and why I show up to meetings for what happens before and after the meeting. We get into believing in the sober version of yourself, chasing peace instead of happiness, the power of journaling, and the reframe that changed everything for me: moving from a war on drugs to a war on myself.If you're early in substance abuse recovery, navigating life after drug addiction, or just trying to stay sober through a rough patch — I hope one of these helps. Recovery is simple, not easy.Timestamps 00:00 — Morning Pages & why I journal 02:21 — #1 Competitors as hope, not jealousy 06:23 — #2 Staying sober through hard times 08:03 — #3 The morning routine 09:46 — #4 Boredom & reconnecting with friends 11:46 — #5 Meetings: the before & after 13:36 — #6 Believing in the sober you 15:13 — #7 Peace over happiness 16:32 — #8 Journaling 17:19 — #9 Everything isn't as it seems 21:35 — #10 War on drugs → war on meMentioned • The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron — the Morning Pages practice • Past episode with Jessie (loss & staying sober through grief) • Past episode: Pleasure vs. Meaning • My recovery journal — https://linktr.ee/Recoveringoutloudpod

Is it okay to admit you miss drinking? Psychotherapist Eryl returns to Recovering Out Loud for an honest conversation about the grief almost nobody talks about in early sobriety — and why pretending "it was all bad" can leave you feeling more ashamed and isolated than the truth ever would.Anthony and Eryl get into the alcohol addiction recovery experience as it really is: substances as an "escape hatch," the abusive-relationship analogy that didn't start out abusive, and the "parts work" idea that you can be grateful to the part of you that helped you survive — without ever going back to it.They also dig into why we keep reaching outside ourselves for a fix (the car, the body, the next purchase), how attachment and self-regulation sit underneath addiction, the cross-addiction "whack-a-mole," and a hard look at the predatory wellness and peptide marketing showing up in recovery spaces right now. It closes on emotional regulation, money, and what it means to build a life you don't need to escape from.A peer + therapist conversation about substance abuse recovery, grief, and emotional sobriety — real stories, no guru energy.This episode discusses body image and eating-disorder recovery. Support resources are in the show notes.Find Eryl on instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/erylmccaffrey/00:00 Eryl's last 30 days — and the day she said "I need help"03:07 Why your "failed attempts" weren't failures05:09 Is it okay to miss drinking? The grief no one warns you about07:05 The escape hatch: avoiding discomfort at all costs09:42 Avoiding people, places & things (and why it's temporary)11:52 What you were really chasing was connection13:22 Grieving the old you — and being grateful to it (parts work)14:50 When the craving hits: delay, distract, cope ahead18:30 Self-regulation, co-regulation & where addiction starts20:00 Attachment styles, gender & the substance you reach for23:52 Whack-a-mole: trading one substance for another24:48 Everything can become a drug — nicotine, scrolling, shopping25:07 Peptides, Ozempic & predatory marketing in recovery spaces31:00 Honesty about TRT and the rabbit hole32:45 "Be curious, not judgmental"34:01 The real question: WHY am I reaching for a fix?35:01 Financial sobriety and your relationship with money37:55 How alcohol gets marketed to keep women small41:44 Selling escape: the beach, the Corona, the lie44:25 Building a life you don't need to escape from46:41 Waiting for the other shoe to drop48:30 Emotional regulation, in one elevator pitch49:56 You are not your thoughts — meditation & the observer

Everyone talks about what you lose when you get sober. Nobody talks about what you get back.Not the big stuff — career, family, health. Those are real, but they're slow. They're not what keeps you sober at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday.In this episode, Anthony breaks down the unexpected, small, sometimes weird gifts that sobriety actually delivers — the ones that sneak up on you, that nobody puts in their inspirational reels, and that are quietly building the proof your brain needs to stay sober long-term.What's covered:Real sleep vs. passed-out sleep (and why they're completely different)Cognitive recovery: when memory and word recall actually come backWhy boredom stops feeling like a five-alarm fireEye contact, shame, and what happens when shame unhooks from your identityPeople not flinching when you walk in the room — and what that actually feels likeTime you didn't know you hadBeing trusted again (and why that weight is a gift)The weird ones: knowing where your phone is, being able to sit in a quiet roomAnthony also covers the honest caveats — PAWS (Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), the gifts that require active work, and the ones that don't show up on schedule.And for the person who can't feel anything yet: your timeline is real, even if it's slower than the posts.Recovering Out Loud is peer-led recovery media — real stories of addiction and sobriety, no clinical voice, no guru energy.

You're allowed to miss it. Nobody tells you that.Most recovery content tells you your using days were all bad. But if that were true, you wouldn't have kept going back. In this episode, Anthony gets honest about the parts of his drinking and using days he actually misses — the escape, the ritual, the identity, the connection — and why admitting that out loud might be the most important thing you do in your recovery.In this episode:What euphoric recall actually is, and why it's not a character flaw — it's brain wiringThe fading effect bias: why month 18 can be harder than month 35 things people in recovery are allowed to miss (but usually don't say)The two-bucket framework: needs you can meet differently vs. needs you have to grieveWhy the people in trouble aren't the ones talking about missing itThe one practical tool: playing the tape all the way throughKey takeaway: The thoughts you can talk about are the thoughts you control. The ones you can't are the ones that control you.This episode is a permission slip.Recovering Out Loud is peer-led recovery media built on lived experience — real stories of addiction and sobriety, no clinical voice, no guru energy.If you found this helpful, please leave a rating and review — it helps more people find the show.

Everyone says weed isn't addictive. Alex is eight years sober and almost didn't make it out.This is the first time he's told the whole thing start to finish. We get into the last 30 days of his using — when he was so deep he couldn't even get high anymore, just chasing a feeling that was already gone. He takes us to his last day: an ice storm, a long drive for weed that wasn't there, and waking up passed out half in a toilet bowl, ribs smashed, realizing how close it got.The part that stuck with me is what came after the drugs stopped: "The war on drugs is over. Now it's the war on self." We talk about the stuff nobody warns you about in long sobriety — isolation that feels safe, cross-addiction (food, work, gaming), men white-knuckling their mental health, and why "it's just weed" is the sentence he trusts the least.If you've ever wondered whether weed can really be a problem — or you're years in and still fighting yourself — this one's for you.What we get into:Why he couldn't get high no matter how much he usedThe one question his uncle asked that he couldn't lie his way out ofIsolation as a "safe place" — and what it costsGetting sober before legalization, and why he thinks that saved himThe difference between quitting the drug and quitting the war on yourselfRecovering Out Loud is peer-led recovery media built on lived experience — real stories of addiction and sobriety. No clinical voice, no guru energy.

Nobody told me that getting sober wasn't the hard part. The hard part was realizing the version of myself I'd been dragging around for years — the beliefs, the patterns, the way I saw the world — most of it wasn't even mine.In this episode, I'm breaking down one of the most important phrases in my recovery: Uncover, Discover, Discard. This isn't a clinical framework — it's how I actually learned to stop being run by ideas I picked up before I ever touched a substance. We're talking about the subconscious operating systems that keep us sick, where they came from, and how to actually let them go — not just white-knuckle through them.I get into the old ideas that still show up in my own life: tying my self-worth to money, earning love through making people laugh, needing everything to be okay on the outside before I can feel okay on the inside. I also talk honestly about how stopping those patterns is exactly what I wasn't doing before I relapsed — and how "Anthony 3.0" is something I'm actively building, not looking back from.In this episode:What old ideas actually are (hint: they're not opinions, they're operating systems)The three-phase process: Uncover → Discover → DiscardWhy the gap between letting go of the old and finding the new is where most people relapseSchema theory, ACT therapy, and neuroplasticity — what the research saysHow to "borrow" someone else's beliefs until you build your ownListener reflection prompts:What's one belief you carried into recovery that you picked up long before you ever touched a substance?When did you first realize a belief you had about yourself wasn't actually yours?Have you ever discovered where one of your survival strategies originally came from?Recovery is simple. Not easy.

Jesse stayed sober after losing her 1-year-old son. A mother's story of recovery, grief, and faith.In December 2022, Jesse hit her rock bottom — a night of drinking and cocaine that ended in an ER waiting room, where she prayed for the first time and asked for help. Four months later, she found out she was pregnant. Her son Jacob — what she calls her miracle baby — became the reason she stayed clean.Last September, Jacob was rushed to the Emergency room. He didn't come home from the hospital. Against every odd, Jesse stayed sober through it.In this conversation, she opens up about what nobody warns you about — the brutal month and a half of Suboxone withdrawal, finding leftover drugs in her home days after the funeral, the moment anger (not strength) saved her from relapsing, and why she now believes recovery was training for grief.In this episode of Recovering Out Loud, Jesse opens up about:– The last 30 days of her addiction and the night she prayed in an ER waiting room – Coming off Suboxone (a month and a half of withdrawal she calls worse than cocaine) – Why pregnancy became her head start in recovery – Losing Jacob, and the moment she found leftover drugs in her home days after the funeral – How recovery turned out to be training for grief — both are one day at a time – Faith, anger at the funeral, and praying for "just a little relief" – What real support looks like (the neighbour who didn't ask, she just showed up) – Her honest answer to "worst day sober vs best day drinking" — and why it's not the one you expectFOLLOW JESSIES JOURNEY HERE ON INSTAGRAM📸 INSTAGRAM: @recoveringoutloudpod🌐 WEBSITE: https://linktr.ee/Recoveringoutloudpod—ABOUT RECOVERING OUT LOUDRecovering Out Loud is a peer-led recovery podcast hosted by Anthony — a social work student and person in long-term recovery sharing real stories of addiction and sobriety. No clinical voice. No guru energy. Just lived experience.—If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or grief, please reach out to a local support resource. This podcast is for peer support and storytelling — not a substitute for clinical care.#RecoveryPodcast #SoberStories #AddictionRecovery

Self-forgiveness in addiction recovery is the work nobody markets — because nobody wants to buy it. In this solo episode, Anthony shares why shame is a stronger predictor of relapse than a deterrent, why guilt and shame are not the same emotion, and the 5-step practice he uses to forgive himself one day at a time.After 7.5 years sober, Anthony relapsed in 2024. He came back January 12, 2025. This episode is about what kept him stuck on the way back — and what finally got him off the hook.In this episode:- Why "I'll just feel bad enough to never do it again" doesn't work- Brené Brown's guilt vs. shame distinction — and why it matters for relapse risk- June Tangney's research on shame-proneness and substance misuse- Kristin Neff's three pillars of self-compassion, adapted for recovery- A 5-step self-forgiveness practice you can start today- The "cookie jar" — using your own hardest experiences as proof you can do thisChapter markers:00:00 Cold Open: The Day I Stopped Trying to Forgive Myself02:55 Resentment Is Poison: Forgiving Others First04:55 Welcome to Recovering Out Loud06:30 Real Check-In: My Struggle With Patience This Week09:55 Why Self-Forgiveness Is the Hardest Step12:44 Story 1: Blowing the Money & Relapsing After 7.5 Years17:47 Guilt vs. Shame — The Distinction That Changes Everything20:32 The Relapse Reckoning22:00 What Self-Forgiveness Actually Is (and Isn't)24:21 The 5-Step Self-Forgiveness Practice29:17 You Are Not the Worst Thing You Did31:16 The Cookie Jar: Drawing on Past WinsIf you got something out of this, please follow, rate, and share with one person who needs it.— AnthonyHost of Recovering Out Loud · Real stories of addiction and recovery, no clinical voice, no guru energy.#RecoveringOutLoud #SoberPodcast #Recovery #SelfForgiveness #Shame

Steven spent five months in a hotel room smoking crack, accepting he'd die there. Then his mother asked a judge if he had children — and two cops knocked. The story of one last day.Six and a half years ago, Steven was sitting in a hotel room he hadn't left in five months, smoking crack cocaine in the same clothes he'd been wearing since July. He'd accepted he was going to die there.Two weeks before the end, in a sober moment, he whispered, "Please make this stop." He didn't know who he was talking to. Then his mother sat down with a Justice of the Peace and asked the judge one question: "Do you have children?"Twelve hours after the cops knocked, Steven was in rehab. He's been sober since December 14, 2019.In this episode, Steven walks Anthony through the last day, the Form 2, the divine intervention timeline, and the turning points inside treatment — including the two women who walked in taking responsibility while everyone else played victim, and the counselor who put his hand on Steven's shoulder and said, "I believe you kid, because I tried to quit too."Anthony shares his own relapse map after seven and a half years sober — how it started with body image, became ADHD pills, then cocaine, then benzos. The slow drip. The line: "I emotionally relapsed long before I picked up."They close on current unmanageability — financial insecurity, body image at 52 — and a closing line that does the work of the whole episode.No clinical voice. No experts. Two guys in recovery telling the truth about what it actually took.🎙️ Recovering Out Loud — peer-led recovery media built on lived experience.

Most people don't relapse because they wanted to drink. They relapse because they were still chasing pleasure — just in a legal package.Anthony had 7.5 years of sober time before he picked up. In this episode, he breaks down the real reason long-term sobriety unravels: the war between pleasure and meaning, and why the recovery world is full of people white-knuckling a life they were never trained to actually want.Covered in this episode: – The hedonic treadmill and why every "high" eventually feels like baseline – Anna Lembke's pleasure-pain balance (from Dopamine Nation) – Bruce Alexander's Rat Park study and why connection beats the lever – Cross-addiction: gym, golf, Instagram, work, achievement — the "ism swap" – Viktor Frankl, Dr. Joseph Lee, and the iPhone-vs-house metaphor that changed how Anthony sees addiction – Why "I don't need to feel good. I need to do good." is the line he comes back toIf you're newly sober and bored, or years in and quietly restless — this one's for you.New episodes Tuesdays. Recovering Out Loud — real stories of addiction and recovery, no clinical voice, no guru energy.

Is alcohol the problem, or is the person holding the glass? Anthony breaks down the science, the shame, and the honest answer most people in recovery won't say out loud.Full description:Is alcohol the problem — or is the person drinking it? It's one of the most argued questions in addiction recovery, and how you answer it changes everything about how you get sober and stay sober.In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, host Anthony — alcoholic, addict, and addiction counselor in training — pushes back on the growing "alcohol is the villain" movement on social media and asks the harder question: if alcohol were really the problem, why do most drinkers never develop alcohol use disorder? And why did rehab alone never keep him sober?Anthony walks through the neuroscience (GABA, dopamine, why alcohol withdrawal can kill you), the genetics (50–60% heritability, AMA's 1956 disease classification), the 12-step "allergy" model, and the critical difference between guilt and shame in recovery. Then he lands on the answer most camps refuse to hold: both are true. Alcohol is genuinely addictive AND the person has the capacity to change.If you've ever wondered whether you're "broken," whether you can ever drink normally again, or why the just-drink-like-a-normal-person advice feels so damaging — this one's for you.Topics covered:Why "alcohol is the problem" is the wrong frame for people in recoveryThe neuroscience of alcohol addiction (GABA, dopamine, the reward pathway)Why alcohol and benzo withdrawal can be fatalDSM-5 alcohol use disorder criteria and WHO global statsHeritability, co-occurring mental health disorders, and the 14% who develop AUDThe 12-step allergy metaphor and its criticsDisease model vs. agency model — and why both matterGuilt vs. shame in addiction recoveryWhy the anti-alcohol movement misses the pointAnthony's relapse at 7.5 years sober and what he learnedMentioned in this episode:DSM-5 alcohol use disorder criteriaAMA 1956 disease classificationDr. Nick Heather's "complex learning disorder" modelWHO data on alcohol-related deaths (5.3% globally)Previous episode: Is Alcoholism a Disease or a Choice?Previous episode on peptidesConnect:Instagram: @recoveringoutloudpodRecovery is simple, not easy.

Emily returns to Recovering Out Loud mid-relapse to announce she's ending her own sobriety podcast. This is by far The most raw and vunerable conversation we've had on chronic relapse, identity in recovery, and what happens when "sober Sally" disappears.Emily came on the first season of Recovering Out Loud almost two years sober, running her own recovery podcast Talks on the Rocks. She's back — and she's fighting addiction demons every day.In this episode, Emily opens up about chronically relapsing on cocaine and alcohol, why she's putting her sobriety podcast on pause, and what it feels like to be the "sober girl" online while crying in the bathroom rolling up a bill she doesn't want to use. We talk about the Mother's Day relapse, the overdose from fentanyl-laced cocaine that nearly killed her, the hole in her septum, dating apps as a relapse trigger, isolation, and the identity crisis of taking a new sales job that puts her in clubs and at open bars for a living.Anthony shares his own seven-and-a-half-year relapse and why "the obsession of every addict is that one day they'll control it again." If you've ever relapsed after long-term sobriety, struggled with chronic relapse, or felt like a fraud in your own recovery — this one is for you.Topics covered:Why she's ending her sobriety podcastChronic relapse after almost 2 years soberCocaine addiction, septum damage, and using aloneThe Mother's Day relapseThe fentanyl overdose at workDating apps and addictionIdentity in recovery: who are you when you're not "the sober one"?Why we don't pick up the phone even when we have hundreds of numbersSelf-pity, shame, and starting overIf you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, please reach out to a local recovery resource. In the US: SAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357. In Canada: Wellness Together 1-866-585-0445.Recovering Out Loud is hosted by Anthony. New episodes weekly.

Struggling to move forward in recovery — even when you're "doing everything right"? That might be resistance. And it probably doesn't look the way you think it does.In this episode of Recovering Out Loud, Anthony breaks down 5 forms of resistance that hide in plain sight in addiction recovery — the ones that feel like growth, look like progress, and get socially rewarded, but are quietly keeping you stuck.Whether you're newly sober, years into recovery, or struggling to get back after a relapse — this episode is for you.Topics covered:Why staying busy might be your new drugThe difference between research mode and recovery modeHow self-sabotage shows up when life starts going wellWhy chaos feels comfortable and stability feels wrongPerforming recovery vs. actually doing itPain × Resistance = Suffering — and how to reduce itIf you've ever felt stuck in sobriety, struggled with self-sabotage, or wondered why you can't seem to follow through — this one hits different.Recovering Out Loud is peer-led recovery media built on lived experience. No clinical voice. No guru energy. Real stories of addiction and sobriety from someone still in it.🎙 Follow the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube. New episodes weekly.In this episode:The 5 forms of resistance hiding in plain sightWhy busy is the most socially rewarded skip button availableResearch mode vs. recovery mode — and why you're probably in the wrong oneWhy chaos feels like home and calm feels like a warning signThe difference between performing recovery and doing itPain × Resistance = Suffering — and what to do with thatNotes:The equation pain × resistance = suffering is rooted in Buddhist philosophy and popularized in modern mindfulness by teacher Shinzen Young — it's one of the most useful frames I've come across in recovery.The concept of Resistance as a force that blocks creative and personal work was written about extensively by Steven Pressfield in The War of Art — worth a read if this episode hit you.The idea of research mode vs. recovery mode — consuming content instead of taking action — is something I see constantly working in the addiction space. It's real, it's common, and it's not your fault. But awareness is the first step through it.The unsexy work: sleep, food, water, one human contact a day. The research on sleep alone as a factor in addiction recovery and relapse prevention is significant — [general reference: NIDA, sleep and substance use disorder literature].

People in recovery are being deliberately targeted by the peptide industry — and most of us don't even realize it.In this episode, Anthony breaks down how the influencer ecosystem profits from the exact vulnerability that early recovery creates: the desperate need to feel better, faster. Post-acute withdrawal syndrome is real, the brain genuinely takes time to heal, and predatory actors are filling that gap with products instead of solutions.He covers what most peptide promoters won't tell you — the regulatory status, the evidence gap, the relapse risk hidden in the behaviors around self-injection and secrecy, and the questions you should be asking before anyone sells you anything in recovery.This isn't anti-peptide. It's pro-honesty.Three questions to ask before you try anything being sold in recovery spaces — and what actually worked for Anthony when nothing external did.---Topics covered:• Why people in early recovery are the easiest people to sell to• How the influencer affiliate model works — and who profits from your discount code• The regulatory and evidence reality behind the most-promoted peptide compounds• The relapse risk nobody in the wellness space is talking about• What peer-reviewed evidence actually requires vs. what's being passed off as proof• Three questions to ask before anything in recovery gets sold to you---If this episode resonated, share it with someone in recovery who's exploring this space. Like, follow, and subscribe — and recovery is simple, not easy.Mentioned Studies: BPC-157 — FDA status (unapproved drug, Category 2)Operation Supplement Safety (US Dept. of Defense): https://www.opss.org/article/bpc-157-prohibited-peptide-and-unapproved-drug-found-health-and-wellness-productsFDA Warning Letter — Summit Research Peptides (Dec 2024): https://www.fda.gov/inspections-compliance-enforcement-and-criminal-investigations/warning-letters/summit-research-peptides-695607-12102024FDA Warning Letters search page: https://www.fda.gov/inspections-compliance-enforcement-and-criminal-investigations/compliance-actions-and-activities/warning-lettersBPC-157 — WADA prohibited substanceUSADA: https://www.usada.org/spirit-of-sport/bpc-157-peptide-prohibited/The human trials problem — only 1 human study out of 544 articles reviewedAmerican Journal of Sports Medicine systematic review (Vasireddi et al., 2025 — 544 articles screened, 35 preclinical, 1 clinical): https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/15563316251355551Arnold's Pump Club plain-language summary of that review: https://arnoldspumpclub.com/blogs/newsletter/bpc-157-the-miracle-peptide-that-s-been-tested-in-only-1-human-trialThe single research group problemSTAT News / Undark investigation (Feb 2026 — "nearly all data comes from a single research group"): https://www.statnews.com/2026/02/03/bpc-157-peptide-science-safety-regulatory-questions/NAD therapy — not approved for addiction, evidence is small studies onlyWebMD: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/nad-therapy-addictionAddiction Center: https://www.addictioncenter.com/treatment/nad-therapy/PAWS — Post-Acute Withdrawal SyndromeHazelden Betty Ford: https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome

Everyone expects sobriety to reveal the real you — calmer, freer, finally yourself. What nobody warns you about is that the first thing sobriety does is introduce you to a version of yourself you don't recognize. And you might not like what you see.In this episode, Anthony gets into the personality change that happens when you get sober — not the inspirational version, the actual version. Why early recovery can feel like becoming a worse, more uncomfortable, harder-to-be-around person. Why that disorientation is the process, not a problem. And how the agreeableness you're losing wasn't your personality — it was your armor.This one is for two groups: the newly sober who are noticing their real personality emerging and don't like what they're seeing, and the long-term sober — especially the dry drunks — who white-knuckled past this step and never did the identity work.In this episode:Why substances gave Anthony a personality — and what they were actually doing to his nervous systemEmotional development and why so many people in early recovery feel like childrenThe fawn response, people pleasing, and the codependency piece (Melody Beattie, Codependent No More)"Sobriety without identity work is just white knuckling and better skin"The grief of losing the version of you that people actually likedWhy you don't find yourself in sobriety — you build yourself, slowly, with a lot of awkward trial runsThe social fallout: which friendships survive and which don'tWhat Anthony actually does now: pausing before agreeing, using silence as a tool, recognizing the automatic yesRecovery is personal. Take what helps and leave the rest.

Predatory behavior in recovery spaces is real, and most people refuse to name it. In this solo episode, I share what 13th stepping is, why it puts newcomers — especially women — at serious risk, the manipulation tactics to watch for (love bombing, trauma bonding, isolation, fake "I can keep you sober" dependency), and what people with more time owe the people walking in scared.This isn't clinical advice. It's what I've seen, what I do in my own groups, and what helped me stay safe and stay sober.Chapters: 00:00 — Cold open 01:34 — What 13th stepping actually is 02:45 — Why newcomers are vulnerable 04:27 — Why rehab makes it worse 06:28 — Manipulation tactics (love bombing, trauma bonding) 08:01 — Red flags 09:11 — The consequences nobody talks about 11:56 — How to protect yourself 13:24 — Practical boundaries 14:40 — If you have time: your responsibility 17:09 — If you're new: you deserve safety 19:39 — CloseIf this hit, follow Recovering Out Loud so the next one finds you.

In this episode of Recovering Out Loud, Anthony introduces a framework he calls Member, Attender, Pretender — the three roles people cycle through in recovery — and makes the case that knowing which one you're in right now could be the most important question you ask yourself this week.This isn't about shame. It's about awareness.The Three Roles:The Pretender The Pretender isn't lying about drinking — they're lying about how they're doing. They might have years of sobriety on paper. They might chair meetings. They might be the person everyone else looks up to. But internally, they've stopped surrendering. They've stopped telling the truth. They're managing an image, not an addiction.Anthony shares what this looked like in his own life: the ADHD medication he didn't fully disclose, the secrets he was keeping while standing in recovery spaces, the chest-weight of maintaining a sober identity when the reality was far messier. The pretender's environment, he says, is exactly where relapse grows and thrives.The Attender The Attender isn't lying. They're just... not in it. They're showing up, checking the box, sitting at the back. No sponsor calls, stalled step work, surface-level conversation. Nothing is actively going wrong — which is what makes this role a trap. When you're attending, you're not building. And when you're not building, you're eroding.Anthony explains why the Attender is the softest, most comfortable, and most dangerous place to be in recovery — because nobody pulls you out except you.The Member The Member isn't someone who has it figured out. It's a current state of action. Small, boring, unsexy choices. Calling someone when you don't feel like it. Staying after the meeting. Getting a newcomer's number. Doing the step work nobody claps for. Anthony's three markers of membership: reachability, honesty with one person, and contribution.The Self-Checklist (5 Questions):Anthony walks through five honest questions to figure out which role you're in right now:When did you last tell someone in recovery the actual truth about how you're doing?When did you last move forward on your step work or internal recovery work?When did you last do something for someone else in recovery that cost you time and effort?If you disappeared from your meeting for a month — would anybody call?When it's quiet — in the car, in the shower, at 2 a.m. — do you feel like a person in recovery, or a person performing recovery?Anthony has been all three. He drifted from Member to Attender to Pretender across the final years of his first recovery, and he didn't break out in time. Today, he says, he can't promise he'll be a member tomorrow — he just knows what it takes to stay in the middle.Because you only fall off the sides of recovery. You can't fall off the middle.Anthony is a person in recovery sharing lived experience. This podcast is not a substitute for professional medical or clinical advice. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, please reach out to a qualified professional or call SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7).Subscribe to Recovering Out Loud on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube. If this hit you, send it to someone who needs to hear it.