Sneeze! with James Whittingham

James shares an unexpected discovery—there’s another James Whittingham out there, and this one’s a high school baseball player from Georgia! Join James and Pepe as they dive into a comedic exploration of identity confusion, rivalry with a teenage third baseman, and how to reclaim the spotlight. They chat about everything from online algorithms to the Civil War history of Marietta, Georgia, while plotting a campaign to boost James’ rightful place as the internet's top Whittingham. Tune in for laughs, rants, and a plan to outshine a speedy kid from the South! Don’t miss out—subscribe now on your favorite podcast app! Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating via PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

In this wildly unpredictable episode, James and Pepe tackle everything from creative roadblocks to the bizarre world of cube-shaped poop. James reflects on the emotional walls he's built up over time, and Pepe—armed with his quirky wisdom—offers up unconventional solutions. From ice-pick metaphors to wombat-inspired architecture, the conversation takes a delightfully strange turn. Listen as they explore how wombats stack cubes of poop to mark their territory, sparking a tangent on using cubic poop as eco-friendly building materials. What if people pooped cubes too? Could it solve the world’s ecological crisis? And could we breed dogs to do the same? Yes, it's just that kind of episode. The randomness continues with discussions about the world’s largest penis, a woman freezing her eggs due to lack of good men, and a man mauled by a gang of otters. Plus, Pepe throws in weird facts about immortal jellyfish and eerie singing glaciers, giving James some serious food for thought... and possible existential dread. Highlights: Cube-shaped Poop Cities: Could wombat poop revolutionize architecture? The Wall Around Creativity: Is James too intense for his audience, or just keeping his wild side in check? Invisible Turtles and Word Salad: What happens when random absurdity is introduced into the podcast? Immortal Jellyfish: Could humanity benefit from a jellyfish-style reset button? Otter Attacks: What happens when the cutest creatures on Earth turn into bloodthirsty gangs? Random Facts from Pepe: Wombats poop in cubes! There's a jellyfish that’s basically immortal! Otters may seem cute, but they can gang up like a bunch of thugs! Listener's Challenge: Would you prefer to poop in cubes or have the ability to reset your body like a jellyfish? Let us know in the comments or drop us a message on social! Call to Action: If you liked this episode (and let's be honest, you're still here, so you probably did), subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and leave us a review. Oh, and don’t forget to smash that like button or the otters might come for you! Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donations appreciated! Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send James and Pepe an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com    

James shares his chaotic Alberta wedding experience, where the power outage turned a perfectly planned event into a spontaneous night of stargazing. He delves into Alberta's weirdness, from bizarre cars with towering tailpipes to highways filled with cowboys and cowgirls herding cows. But it doesn't stop there — James and Pepe take a dive into some unusual testicle-related news, including a scorpion sting in Las Vegas and Nick Cannon insuring his testicles for $10 million. Key Topics Covered: The Alberta Wedding Power Outage: James recounts how a power outage during his niece’s wedding made things more fun (at least for him). Weird Cars in Alberta: From giant tailpipes to roadside cowboys, James paints a picture of the strange sights in Alberta. Testicle Scorpion Stings: Pepe shares the story of a man who was stung by a scorpion in a Las Vegas hotel... in the worst place imaginable. Nick Cannon's $10 Million Testicles: A discussion about why Nick Cannon's assets are insured for so much. Lab-Grown Organs: James and Pepe dive into the weird science of lab-grown testicles and other organs, imagining a future where people can have extra brains, arms, or even genitals. Fun Fact – Taste Buds in Testicles: A weird fact surfaces about taste buds existing in testicles, sparking a hilarious discussion on what that could mean for eating ice cream... or other things. Memorable Quotes: “If you’re gonna get stung in the testicles, I think you should bear children and see if they have superpowers.” "I've got three testicles. You wanna see them? That's quite the introduction." "What could I do with a third arm? Think about how many push-ups I could do." Random Tangents: The practicality of having extra organs like brains or hearts. Why male nipples exist (spoiler: nobody knows). Testicle-related superpowers and whether steel underwear is the future. Fan Interaction: James asks listeners to rate and review the podcast on their favorite platform, and reminds them to send any weird or mean comments to [email protected]. Closing Notes: James ends with his usual bizarre sign-off and a mention of Sparky the Cow Dog — a mysterious character who may or may not exist.  

After hearing his cloned voice, he noticed that all the pain and trama was stripped away. This made James wonder what life would have been like without the baggage of every bad thing that has ever happened to him. Co-hosted by Pepe. And exploration of genertative A.I. in creativity.  Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donations appreciated! Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

This here is for Spotify.

In this hilariously offbeat episode of *Sneeze with James Whittingham*, James and his trusty sidekick Pepe dive into the bizarre and unexpected events that make life interesting. From explosive neighborhood dramas to outlandish beauty trends, this episode is packed with the kind of weird and wonderful stories that only James could find. **Episode Highlights:** 1. **Explosive Neighborhood Mystery**      James shares a wild tale about a car explosion that shook his neighborhood, sparking theories of action movies, TikTok stunts, and potential future crime documentaries. 2. **Trash Talk: The Rise of Garbage Bin News**      James and Pepper discuss the unexpected rise of a garbage bin company’s social media feed as the top news source in Regina. They delve into the darker side of human nature and the ethical void in modern journalism. 3. **Lost and Found: The Cupcake Saga**      A whimsical story of a man who gets lost on his way to buy cupcakes, only to end up living in a garden shed, befriending woodland creatures, and adapting to a new, nature-filled lifestyle. 4. **The Bizarre World of Beauty: Poop Face Masks**      In the fecal-themed segment, James uncovers the shocking trend of a Brazilian model who uses her own poop as a face mask. The duo discusses the risks, the absurdity, and the lengths people go to for internet fame. 5. **Horoscopes and Other Oddities**      James reads his horoscope and humorously laments its inaccuracy, sharing his "downbeat" day with listeners. The conversation takes a turn as the sneeze wheel lands on urine, leading to a discussion about scientists extracting phosphorus from human urine. **Noteworthy Quotes:** - *"I could be walking down the street dead one day. Let's hope that doesn't happen, okay?"* - *"She's literally putting poop on her face because, because views."* - *"If someone has hurt or angry, be encouraging. Well, that's good advice, but also not my vibe today."* **Tune in to Sneeze with James Whittingham for more absurdity, unexpected turns, and a whole lot of laughter.**   **Subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform!** Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donates appreciated. Thanks. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

In this hilariously chaotic episode of Sneeze, James Whittingham tackles everything from questionable weight loss drugs to the Olympics, and the bizarre nature of human anatomy. With his signature irreverence, James dives into: Ozempic Madness: A wild discussion on Ozempic, complete with outrageous side effects like growing a second penis. This segment is not for the faint-hearted but will leave you in stitches. Olympic Observations: James shares his humorous take on the Olympics, focusing on the abundance of "gobs of ass" in beach volleyball and the peculiar nature of curling. Pizza Opinions: A quick spin on the "sneeze wheel" leads to a heated debate on pineapple and anchovies on pizza. Spoiler: James is not a fan of fish on dough! Water Skiing Woes: James and Pepe ponder the insanity of water skiing and why it’s basically a high-speed way to drown. Cats vs. Humans: A segment dedicated to why cats are secretly plotting to eat you. Ever wondered if your cat sees you as a ribeye? Now you know. Real Moments in James's Life: The only time James got a speeding ticket – find out how he handled it like a champ (or not). Communism and Old Tech: A nostalgic look back at rotary phones and a brief (but funny) take on Communism. Urine Color Discovery: Scientists finally figure out why urine is yellow, and James shares his own personal pee stories. Guest: Pepe (co-host) Key Quotes: "Give me that weight, lost juice!" "Two dicks, two bananas right on the vine. They're both mine." "Cats are waiting, they're just waiting...when they look you in the eye, they see you as ribeye." Music: Outro Music: Funky instrumental beats to wind down the madness. Follow Us: Twitter: @SneezePodcast Instagram: @SneezeWithJames Website: sneezepodcast.com Subscribe: Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all major podcast platforms. Disclaimer: This episode contains adult humor and language. Listener discretion is advised. Be sure to tune in next week for more laughs, questionable opinions, and the unpredictable spin of the "sneeze wheel"! Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donates appreciated. Thanks. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

In this hilariously chaotic episode 55, join James Wittingham and his (talking) penis, Pepe, as they dive into the bizarre and side-splitting world of hidden junk food and unexpected Olympic challenges. James shares a candid and uproarious tale about his family's sneaky attempts to hide junk food from him, leading to a desperate and comical hunt for snacks in the most unlikely places. But that's not all! The duo spins the "weird news" wheel, landing on a fecal-themed story that takes them on a wild journey through the murky waters of the Seine River during a triathlon, discussing the gross yet entertaining consequences of such events. From triathletes to rugby players, they hilariously speculate on the perils of poop in sports and the unusual precautions athletes might take. As if that weren't enough, James delves into a heartwarming yet tragic "Real Moments from James's Life," recounting his first-grade crush on Jody and the bittersweet lesson he learned about trust. The episode wraps up with a quirky horoscope reading, a nostalgic snack hunt, and an earnest plea for listener support. Tune in for laughs, surprises, and a whole lot of weirdness on this week's episode of "Sneezes with James Wittingham." Don't forget to subscribe, leave a review, and maybe even donate to keep the comedy coming! 🌀 Highlights: The Great Junk Food Hunt: James's family hides snacks in the weirdest places. Olympic Fiascos: Triathlons, poop, and the chaos that ensues. Real Moments: James's bittersweet childhood crush on Jody. Horoscope Fun: A dry sandwich and hidden snacks. Listener Support: Reviews, donations, and keeping the laughs alive. Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donates appreciated. Thanks. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

Get ready to laugh as we dramatize the thrilling and hilarious adventure of a 14-year-old James sneaking cookies from the kitchen in the dead of night, navigating creaky floors and the ever-watchful eye of his mom. It's a mission impossible with a twist—gas pains and all! Next, we dive into this week's news quiz where contestants hilariously stumble over who said, "Ouch, my ear." Spoiler: It wasn't Trump, but a mosquito-bothered Cornel West! James shares his grievances about the summer heat, algae battles, and his dental woes, with a surprise guest co-host: Pepe the Penis! Yes, you heard that right. Pepe helps James tackle a disturbingly bizarre story about a money ritual gone wrong involving maggots and urine—it's as gross as it sounds, and James doesn't hold back. Finally, we spin the wheel of random topics, landing on leather, which sparks a nostalgic and funny conversation about fashion, school hygienists, and James' disdain for flossing. Wrapping up with some playful banter, James and Pepe keep it light, despite the heavy topics. Tune in for a mix of comedy, absurdity, and just the right amount of cringe in this unforgettable episode of Sneeze! 🌬️🍪🦠 And here is the link to the Urine/Maggot story if you dare! https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/NewsArchive/Money-Ritual-Woman-finds-maggots-in-her-urine-after-sex-with-son-1941420 Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today by PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donates appreciated. Thanks. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

James faces death in the form of the delicious, 750 calorie hot Costco cookie. In this hilariously absurd episode of SNEEZE, James recounts his miraculous escape from Covid and his newfound obsession with bat cuisine. The culinary adventure takes a wild turn as James experiments with BAT in every dish imaginable, from bat lasagna to bat ice cream. Dive deep into James' anatomy with a quirky interview inside his testicles, revealing the daily grind of sperm production and the humorous side of his hormonal escapades. Listen to the outrageous tale of James's unfortunate encounter with a staple gun when he was 13, a prank that turned into a painful lesson and an unforgettable moment in his life. Explore the whimsical side of relationships with a comical take on Vladimir Putin's bizarre habits and an eccentric pigeon love story. Laugh out loud at the misadventures of a Lyft driver with a permanent erection and the unusual challenges he faces. Plus, enjoy the poetic musings of a cannibal poet and a nostalgic rant about cookie jars. This episode is packed with unexpected twists, laugh-out-loud moments, and a whole lot of bizarre humor. Tune in for a rollercoaster of absurdity and entertainment. Written and performed by James Whittingham. Song lyrics by James Whittingham, music and vocals by Suno. Help me pay podcast expenses by donating today via PayPal or E-Transfer:https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=VMDCRPHLNR8YE E-transfer [email protected] Montly donations appreciated. Thanks. Every dollar helps! Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

Welcome back to another episode of the Sneeze Podcast, where nothing is off-limits and everything is up for a laugh! In this episode, we dive into the bizarre and comical world of Steve the Robot, explore some of James's wild teenage escapades, and much more. Episode Highlights: Steve the Robot's Plight: Listeners, please stop writing us letters about robot abuse—Steve is just fine! Join us as we discuss Steve's rebellious phase, his new life choices, and the devil's peculiar requests. Introducing 'My Name is Unpronounceable': A mysterious and menacing figure declares his intentions to terminate Steve the Robot and threatens the hosts with some creatively horrifying consequences. James' Teenage Antics: From stealing a bathtub to dealing with a dozen cop cars, we reminisce about James' adventurous youth and the hilarious aftermath of his crimes. The Headboard Saga: Follow the uproarious tale of James' attempt to sell a headboard on Facebook Marketplace, including the never-ending conversation with a potential buyer and the unexpected life changes that followed. Random Opinion Segment: We spin the wheel of random topics and land on gymnastics. Get ready for some unfiltered thoughts on the absurdity and dangers of this sport. Bizarre Whack Facts: Discover some truly strange facts, like the surprising number of men with shy bladder syndrome, and prepare for some impromptu public urination commentary. Musical Interlude: Enjoy our quirky musical number, guaranteed to make you question everything. Special Features: "Who Wants to Fk?"** A bold segment where Dr. Fauci reassures listeners about James' health status before diving into some risqué humor. James' Sperm Ad: An absurd advertisement for James' sperm, detailing the scientific intricacies and humorous potential of purchasing a dose. Bear Trauma and Furry Confessions: A listener shares their traumatic experience with teddy bears, leading to a bizarre journey into the world of furries and animal relationships. Tune in to this wild ride of an episode, filled with unexpected twists, gut-busting humor, and the kind of outrageous content that only the Sneeze Podcast can deliver. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review! Connect Us: Email: [email protected] Facebook: facebook.com/sneezeshow Twitter: @sneezeshow Instagram: @sneezeshow Song lyrics by James, music by AI. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com    

In this hilariously offbeat episode, James Whittingham delves into a mix of comedy monologues, eccentric songs, and absurd news stories. Prepare yourself for a wild ride as James's comedic genius shines through AI-generated bits, personal anecdotes, and unique musical interludes. AI wrote this. Song lyrics by James. **1. Cold Open** - James Whittingham is partially artificial due to his high consumption of processed foods, creating a humorous persona made up of artificial ingredients. **2. Monologue: Death and COVID** - James humorously contemplates the presence of death and his recent encounter with COVID-19. His comedic take on the pandemic and its effects on his life brings a light-hearted spin to a heavy topic. **3. Stupidest Story on CNN** - James introduces a new segment where he picks the most absurd news story on CNN. This week's winner involves a remote Australian community taking revenge on a massive seawater crocodile. **4. Song: Contrails** - A catchy and satirical song about contrails and their conspiracy theories. **5. Commentary: Shoes** - James ponders why shoes always have to match and imagines a future trend where mismatched shoes become fashionable. **6. Song: Two Different Shoes** - James follows up his shoe commentary with a whimsical song celebrating the idea of wearing two different shoes. **7. Skydiving Warning** - A humorous advisory against listening to the podcast while skydiving, complete with vivid descriptions of the potential distractions and dangers. **8. Song: Nude Skydiving** - A funny and imaginative song about the perils and peculiarities of skydiving in the nude. **9. Interview: Roger Williams** - An outrageous and fictional interview with Roger Williams, who claims to achieve sexual pleasure from nude skydiving. **10. The Wheel of Random Things** - James spins a virtual wheel to decide on random topics to discuss, leading to unexpected and hilarious tangents. **11. Google AI News: Drinking Urine** - James explores a bizarre AI-generated recommendation from Google, advising people to drink light-colored urine for health benefits. **Connect with James:** - Email: [email protected] - Twitter: @Sneezeshow - TikTok: Sneezeshow - YouTube: Sneezeshow **Disclaimer:** - Do not attempt any of the activities mentioned in the podcast, especially nude skydiving. The content is purely for entertainment purposes. **Thank you for listening!** - James appreciates his audience, even if his thanks come with a side of humor and a bit of edge. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

James stepped on an ant. The butterfly effect is in effect. Man impaled by iron rod through the taint. Woman's nipple falls off. A salute to the railroad caboose.  Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected] Theme Music: by Shane Ivers – https://silvermansound.com  

The penile system that got the former president convicted is the subject of this week's pod. The mystery of the old couple leaving my medical clinic. Embarrassed to pee in Japan. Toddler Fight Club.  In the spirit of JamesPod. Please rate this show on iTunes or wherever you get your pods. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! Shoutout to Christian Klenow for nudging me to keep doing this. My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact James [email protected]

James checks in after a winter of silence. Why not write myself a personalized workout song for the gym? We spin the wheel and learn about a boy with black urine. The worst urine story yet! Plus the word for bad breath is unpronouncable! Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]      

Lyrics by James. AI music and vocals.

Spooky.

Should you find your biological father and what is the ideal uterus? One that picks and chooses the best genes from multiple sexual partners. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]    

Nothing.

My husband made out with a teenaged underaged girl at a party, what should I do? James has the answer. Plus Boise, Idaho has some weird laws. [email protected] This is our wheel for this week's shows: Urine Geography Advice SNEEZE! End the Podcast Opinion Advice Phobias Disease Advice

Agnes joins James as he gives blunt advice to people who write to advice columnists. Then Ronald Reagan briefly comes back from the dead to find out what a podcast is. Also, James is on Ozempic and CPAP. 

James is tormented by his wife leaving a bag of ashes by the bathroom garbage. She can't get rid of it because she doesn't know who it is. Also, people with books in their bathrooms don't make any sense to James. And headlines involving semen sniffing dogs and disputes over urine.  Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: Oh, so you thought you'd listen to a podcast. Well, good for you. Aren't you special, you stupid fuck. God, you're stupid. You could be doing anything thing right now, but you're listening to a podcast. What makes you so special that you think that you could listen to a podcast and not do other important things in life? Like livid? No, you're listening to a you might as well be on TikTok or something. But you're listening to a podcast, which is more in depth than intellectual, isn't it? In my bathroom, friends. In my bathroom, my upstairs bathroom, my main bathroom, my shedding bathroom. The bathroom with my beloved bidet. There is a garbage can, a large white plastic bin, rectangular, narrow wedge between the door and the wall. And a little space there that's good for putting trash. It's got a bag in it and that's what I look at when I shit. Now, I'm not one of these people who doesn't know when to go into the shit. I know when my body is ready. I don't go in there and read a fucking book, okay? I don't understand people who do that. It makes no sense to me. I go to washrooms and I see books and I think, what the fuck are you doing? How much of your life are you spending trying to get out of shit? I mean, are you constipated? If you're constipated, do something about it. Increase your fiber, increase your water intake, but don't read a fucking book on the shitter with your pants on the floor and your deck hanging out. I don't understand people like that. And there's a lot of people like that. A lot of bathrooms you go to, people that have books in them. Makes no sense to me. Why? How? I think the bigger question is how can you sit there like an idiot reading a book, hoping that the shit will just fucking come? What's wrong with you? I never go in unless my body is ready. My bowels will start moving and I think, damn it. Yes. Now I'm old, I'm mid fifty, s, and I'm very blessed with good bowels. My bowels. I've had several colonoscopies come up clean so far. Knock on wood, knock on stool. But I worry that one day I won't be so lucky. But right now I am, and I always have been. I know when my balls are ready. I get up in the morning and as soon as I wake up, my barrels wake up and they say, hey, James is up. Let's get going. I go to the bathroom, it comes out, I spray it for ten minutes, give myself a bit of an enemy if I need to. With the bidet, it comes right back to you. Why not clean the inside? It's cleaning the outside. You might as well give yourself an enema and just get everything squeaky clean. There's a problem there, though. If you forget about it. You forget that it gave you an enema, and you go about your day. Then you have diarrhea. That's an issue. It's a risk you take by going too far with your bidet. And I know I check out my bidet episode. I give you full tutorial on how to use a bidet. And it is in depth and very real, so don't be eating anything when you listen to it. But anyway, I go to the bathroom there, so I'm not spending a lot of time, but I spent enough time there enjoying the bidet spray, which is warm. And I noticed there's this bag on the floor. I don't know, it's like a cellophane, like a bag you would have in the supermarket to put a few bananas in or something or some salary. This clear little bag on the floor wrapped up, and there's ashes in it. It seems to be ashes. It is ashes. Because I asked my wife, I said, what is it that's ashes? And I said, who's ashes? And she says, I don't know. So we have this bag of ashes that my wife can't throw out. So she's placed on the bathroom floor by the garbage, but not in the garbage because she doesn't know whose ashes they are. Now, there's not that many options, okay? She's had her parents die. Does she remember saving the ashes for her parents? No, they were scattered. Does she save a little extra for something else? Who knows? We had a cat cremated once. Yes, you could do that. And we buried the cat by the tree. I don't remember saving any ashes for its favorite hunting ground or anything like that. So whose ashes are they? Where else would you get ashes from that you would keep? You know, no one collects ashes in a little plastic bag that's unmarked. So every morning I'm shitting, and I have to stare at that bag wondering, who is that who's shitting here with me? Who's here in the toilet? Is it a grandfather of my children? A grandmother? Is it a cat? Is it just ashes from somebody else that just showed up at our front door? Who is this person? And how more of it is this? I wanted a shit in peace. And furthermore, pleasure. Peace and pleasure on the toilet. Yes, when things go well, and I don't mean to brag, because I know that everybody can shit, okay? Some people fuckers. You're so simple, you don't know how to shit. That's fine. You just got to train your body. Now, I lead a life of not excessive work, and I'm around a lot, and I have freedom to shit when I need to. So I've trained my body. There's one thing that I tell my young friends, always get enough sleep and train your body to shit on time. This is a problem. If you work night shifts and different shifts, I can't even imagine your problems for those people to do that. But if you are a person whose body just says, hey, James is awake, let's get things going. And you can feel it. You sit down, it comes out, you flush, you spray, you look at the bag on the floor wondering, whose uncle is that? Who am I looking at? Can you look at the ashes and tell who it is? Can you just get a sense of who it is? And where do you spread them? She's not going to throw them in the garbage. That's the issue. She's not going to throw the ashes out. Do they need to be thrown out? Yes, I would just throw them out into the landfill with everything else. I mean, I've left enough of myself in the landfill, right? And the sewer system. More of the sewer system than the landfill. But look, if you blow your nose, part of you goes to the landfill and eventually turns into ashes. Your snot will eventually turn into dust, okay? And it will grow a plant at the landfill. The garbage dump right beside a washing machine. A little blade of grass will come up from your snot rag because you blew your nose once. So it's not a big deal. At the very least, I would take it out to the nearest gopher hole, which we live by a field adjacent to a field. So I would just take it out there and dump it in the gopher hole, which isn't far away. They like to come close, just dump it in there and let the gophers deal with it. Just get rid of it. If there's more of it, it's the gross and it's I don't want to be shitting. This could throw off my whole shit schedule. Something disruptive and upsetting like this. There are so many people. It could be so many animals, so many things. But it's ashes. What else could it be? It's not like if you collect ashes from, like, a science fair or I don't know if anyone is missing any ashes. I could put an ad in the newspaper, missing ashes. Are you missing a relative? It could be yours. I bet I get a lot of calls. It's not a lot. I mean, it's an ounce. It's a few grams. Maybe it's a pot that I forgot about and turned into ash. No, I don't smoke pot. I'd never do something like that. I don't know. Of course. The toilet is right there. Do you flush it down the toilet? Is it disrespectful? Is it disrespectful? Okay, if I'm dead and you find a bag of my ashes, I don't care if it's a tiny bag like this one or a fullfledged Hefty bag full of James, feel free to flush it down the fucking toilet. It just makes no difference to me whatsoever. You're not really spreading me in anywhere significant. Okay, my treat. I planted my cat on her. Didn't do any better because the cat was there. And it has no personality. It is never meows. It never does anything that resembles my cat in any way. And my cat's gone. I wish it wasn't, but it is. Relatives are gone. I wish they weren't, but they are. So flush my fucking bag down the toilet. As long as it doesn't clog. Okay? I wouldn't want you to hurt something or just we live in a very windy place here. Just be downwind from it. Just let it rip. Let it blow. I'll be spread everywhere then. But don't wonder what you should do with me if I'm dead, okay? Nobody cares. You don't care. I don't care. Most of all the people who are dead don't care. It's not only because I can't care, it's because I wouldn't care. It's the living who have all this guilt and bullshit and stuff. And let's open up Facebook message here because did I see a message from that fucker in Germany again? Sent me another message. There it is. Christian in Germany. No. You hate that. I know. James, get off your ass. Record another sneeze. I thought we had an unwritten rule now that every time I send you a message you get in front of the microphone and record. I guess I was wrong. I thought you weren't going to send me any more fucking messages. Christian Clemq of Deutsche Land, is it? Deutschland, where are you? I don't care. Don't send me another fucking message telling me they record another podcast. Don't do it. When I'm good and ready. Anyone else can send me a message [email protected]. Sneezhow. No sneeze. Speakfight.com. Sneeze. That is your online voicemail center. Okay? That's where I live. Now let's do what we do, OK? On this podcast. I don't really have anything to talk about. I could talk about shaving my balls. I'm not going to though, okay. Because I don't think you should shave your balls. It seems very scary to me to take a razor blade over your balls with shaving cream or not. I know it's skin like any other skin, but there's irregularities. And what happens if something goes wrong? What happens if you split it open and it gets infected and blows up like a basketball? Don't shave your balls. Get them removed with lasers. Lasers on your balls, I'm sure. Find a dominatrix with a laser, OK? And just go to her and say, can you punish me for a bit and remove the wax? Just laser off my hair so I don't have to shave it. Because, you know the kids these days, clean shaven, it's a problem. Yes, I know. Middle aged divorced people are back into the sex scene and they got to do things that they never used to do in the people. They wore their hair with pride back then. So now we're going to Google urine because this is what we do. We do a Google News search of urine and see what happens, just to see what stories are out there. So a man arrested in DC after allegedly pouring a gallon of urine on a woman. Times of Malta. I know you have a subscription. It says here. This is a quick search of Google News and urine. This is something we do here on the show because I have to talk about something. It just seems like, why not? Argument over urine ends with a beating in maxar. Accused gets a two year jail term, suspended for four. I don't know what that means. An argument between two men over urine ended with a beating and saw the aggressor getting a two year jail term. He testified that he used to find urine near his garage and had always suspected that the accused, this other guy, was to blame, so he approached him, but the accused said he did not care. I mean, if you're pissing, if you're just leaving you're pissed by somebody's house, you don't care. Obviously you don't care. I told the court that after the accused spat on the ground whenever he saw him. That's very insulting behavior. I'm so glad nobody does that to me. Your garbage, he said the other day, the incident, you'd see the accused wife and asked her to be left alone, but the accused visited him at home later. As soon as he opened the door, he spat at him. He's just really reckless with the bodily fluids. He realized that the guy was going to punch him, so he punched him first. And that's always a good thing to do with urine, people hitting the cues in the face. He then threw the other guy on the ground, hit him with his safety shoes, leaving him with a permanent disability. Another urine story of the news that ends up in a very sad way. Yeah. Dispute over urine, proving once again human beings are flawed, stupid, and just bad shit crazy as a whole. Just bad shit crazy

News story on Bible camp leader performing an excorcism makes me think I heard this story before at a script table read. Dude in Colorado thinks he's healthy by drinking and even soaking his own eyeballs in his urine. Transcript:  Announcer: SNEEZE! With James Whittingham. james: Just had a few sour cream and onion Pringles. They were hidden in the couch by my partner who didn't want me to eat any because she knows that will eat them all till I die. I don't love them that much, but really, it's the flavor, it's the mouthfeel, it's the coming back for the extra goo. And it makes me thirsty. I want to be thirsty. So I had a few to me. So I hydrate better, right? That's why I did it. I wasn't hungry, really. I mean, it was arguably hungry. Little bit. Christian Clemq sent me another fucking message. This is the guy. This is the bastard who sent me a message last week. Now he sends me another one. And I have not listened to it yet, so let's listen to it together. I hope it's good. Sir Weddingham. dude. You didn't have to include my message. But okay, well, you did. Why do you keep sending them to me? Like, hearing themselves? This is what you sound like. I don't and I just got back from the club friday and Saturday I work at the club. Was I shocked? I was like, oh, new sneeze. Fuck, it's me. Yeah, you said, this is what happens. For the recognition. And thank you for recording something. I do enjoy your podcast always, and please do it weekly. Just don't blame me. Okay. All right. That's pretty good. Did you fake that? I can't fake a sneeze like that. Did you sneeze on command? That's impressive. Yeah, so sorry about that. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to play it last week or this week. That's why I didn't listen to it. See, you send me a message, you get on my fucking podcast. I don't care. You cross the street, you might get hit by a car. You send me a message. You might be on my podcast. This is an old lesson that goes back dozens of years, well, to the beginning of podcasting, which I started back in 2003. A lot of people said Adam Curry started it. No. And The Godfather podcasting I started. It also started Facebook and a number of other things. Yeah. Lawsuits are still pending. So thank you, Christian, for getting me to broadcast. This is the first time that I've broadcasted two weeks in a row. A good thing there. So I was saying last week, I think I thought, why didn't mention this week, my wife partnership stepped in to help her sister, whose partner did not help her, and took her to the hospital when she needed medical care. And she had to spend her whole day and night doing this. And she was stressed out and there were problems. She lost her phone. It slipped out of her pocket. Slipped out of her short pocket. And immediately she knew it was lost. And I went and I tracked it right away. And it was at a homeless shelter, basically. I went to the homeless shelter and the battery in my laptop died and I couldn't track it anymore. There was long stories trying to get into her account to track it from her phone and we lost it. So she put up a this is a month ago, she put up a sign in the homeless shelter because she was talking to the homeless shelter people and outside the homeless shelter because she wanted her damn $800 phone back and we don't have the money to replace it. So nothing happens in a month. And two nights ago the phone rings at 140 in the morning. And I've only listened to it at 140 in the morning, so I've not listened to it since then. I don't expect to be surprised by this. I'm going to play it for you because I have a message here. Where would I find the message? I think in my yes, you received a voicemail message at 01:42 a.m. It's 23 seconds long. Let's listen to it together. Hey, bro, I see you lost your Samsung. But if it was an Apple, well, it could still be lost because they can hack apples now. What a fucking loss. An Apple hack. I better get my new shit cost. What the fuck was that? It made more sense to be at 130 in the morning than it did now. What the hell? What the hell is wrong with people? Apples can be hacked. Fuck him. You know, fuck. I don't care if you're homeless or not. You can't do anything with that fucking phone. What are you going to do? Sell it for the chip in it or what? I mean, you can't sell a fucking phone for anything. Nothing. Not even a taste of meth. What are you taking someone's phone for? Fuck. You guys bicycling back and forth. I saw them too. As I was sitting outside the the homeless shelter. I saw the motherfucker running away on his bike. Yeah, I'd like to punch him in the face, but I'm sure a thousand other people punched him in the face. I'd like to to punch a homeless person in the face. Do you know how much grief my wife goes through these days? You know how shitty her old phone is? She has to carry an auxiliary charger around with her. It's pathetic. She refuses to buy another phone because she's putting herself through this guilt thing of losing it in the first place. So she's not going to she shouldn't have lost it. Fuck him. And it was locked. It was locked and it was shut down. And apparently the Samsung, they shut them down and the telephone company and they can't be used again. Turning to the news, I have to turn somewhere. So this is weird. I got a friend named Lordine. He's a film director and did Wolf Cop and the sequel to Wolf Cop. Another wolf cop. That's what it's called. And other things as well. He's continuing to struggle to make films. And hello, if you're listening and hello to your lovely partner who goes by the name of Dee because she doesn't like to be mentioned in public. So hello, D. It's weird to hear your name, isn't it? I'm always going to table readings over the decades with Lowell, and I feel like something in the news, I had already read at a table read one of his scripts because he's a genre filmmaker for the most part. Here where I live in Saskatchewan, Canada. We have a very embarrassing situation here. The headline reads, we all believed he was possessed. Says Boy, who witnessed exorcism as Saskatchewan Bible Camp. So that's in the national international headlines because there was a forced exorcism by the Bible camp. What do you think happens at Bible camps? They go canoeing and then talk. Jesus. No, it's exorcisms. It's pain. It's sodomy these are what's going on in Bible camps. So many places. You drive along the road near a resort and it's like this Bible camp this way. Where are these fucking Bible camps coming from? And when did they get this free prime property to have these Bible camps? Did God give it to them? No, the church had sway 100 years ago, and they got all these stupid Bible camps, and now they're conducting exorcisms at them. This guy, this camp leader, had been fired from other camp duties, apparently. He said the demons had infiltrated the camp. It doesn't infiltrate non Bible camps, which is kind of funny. It just infiltrates actual Bible camps. So, yeah, it was real. We believed he was possessed by multiple demons, not just one. Fuck. I've been possessed by a demon, but not multiple demons. Come on. And they said it was a spiritual hotspot. This Bible can fuck. This is such a good movie. The thing is now, if my friend makes the movie that he wanted to make, it's going to be like somebody's going to sue them saying, you stole our idea. Well, I can vouch for you now, and I'm willing to go to court, put my hand on a Bible, demons and all, and say that my friend Lol had this idea before this actually happened. At least a version of this idea. The problem is you have to have child actors. Child actors in a small budget film. You have to have a Gazillion dollars. You have to have Tom Cruise money before you can afford child actors because they only work so many hours and they get good ones. You have to search far and wide around the world to find them. So it's an expensive proposition. Yeah, that's traumatic. And these poor kids were abused without actually, they're not going to press charges, though, because why do that? So the man who did exorcism calls himself an apostle, the 13th apostle. He has business cards. The guy gives out business cards saying he does exorcisms. You imagine you might have a clown at a party. That's a kid's party. But say you have a bachelor party in the old days, you'd get a stripper, right? Which is not politically correct anymore, never was, but it's not now. Why not get an extra system and he can come and decide who's got the demons in them. And it's the guy who wanted to have the strippers. Of course, you could just do that and go ahead with a full that would be fun. I'm disappointed this guy is going to be shunned by society now because that would be useful. Pardon me for a minute. I have to dust something. I refuse to wait any longer before I dust this, because I'm looking at it now. Usually my other podcast happens in the dark because there's video. There's no video for this. And now the light is shining on things and it's fucking dusty. My microphone stand is dusty. My mixer is dust. Look at all that dust. You can't it's an audio podcast. But if you were here, you would see dust and you would maybe oh, that's a lot of dust. Maybe Sneeze, maybe like Christian back from the club. By the way, you send me another message. It's going on the fucking podcast. Do you hear me in Germany? Do you hear me, boy? It's going on the podcast. Don't send me a message. Can't you type? Did you lose your fingers in the war? The great masterpiece and exorcism incident where they've chopped off by the Bible camp to get rid of the urge to bastard. David Spade, apparently is a former SNL comedian and he's disappointed SNL now. He says SNL died when what's her name is Hillary Clinton singing Hallelujah. After Trump won, it seemed to work. It was a tough time. Of course, anything would have worked for me. I was just, you know, sick. Sick like hell. All my Trump fans are deleting my podcast now. That's okay. I don't want to get political, but fuck you. Political as I got. Fuck you, Trump fans. Fuck you. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother's dog. Fuck your mother's dead dog. Fuck your rat. Fuck the rat under your mobile home. Fuck it. Fuck you all. That's what I have to say about that. Wednesday demons were the only topic of conversation at the top, and they were all anxious, not accustomed looking for the demons. I'm sorry. It's the yelling of the speaking in tongues before declaring the demon purged. If you don't speak in tongues and scream, the demons not pursue. I found that myself. You know, you just have to do a lot of screaming. This is like violating of the soul. It's good for you. It's good to get the demons out and the boys coward. This is not funny. This is real shit. This is not far off. This is right around the corner. There are people here and they all partook. This stupid camp boy now sees he was deceived. Yeah, he's got Satan in him. I'm going to look up urine, okay? We haven't done that in a while. I haven't looked up urine in the news. I'd like to take the first news story of a Google urine man drank his urine every morning as a natural cure all and also uses it as a foot. Soak an eye bath. Okay? I don't care what you soak in your soak. Your junk in there. You can get peed on in the Russian hotel room. I don't care. But when you're soaking your eyeballs and urine, that's where I draw the line. He admits he clashed with a housemate over the smell. His name is Brother Sage. And why wouldn't it be? He's 68. He's from Colorado. He drinks his urine every morning. He believes urine is a health cure all, uses for football, eye, bass, and soaks himself. And charges this is charges $345 to teach people. Not 350, not 300, $345. So he's up making a lot of money without hitting that 350 mark. That psychological 350 mark when you pay for someone to teach you about peak consumption. He dranks his own urine each morning. He believes it is a natural cure all, says that his bizarre habit has led to a bus stop with his housemate who was sick of the smell, wafting to the kitchen. Enough with the urine. Brother's age. Fuck. Get your eyeballs out of there. Wow. He's currently plugging a course for up to 345 for students who wish to unlock the secrets of their own urine. Here's a secret of your own urine. It's waste and you should get rid of it, okay? Unless you're on the space station and you're recycling this fucking stuff, get rid of your goddamn urine right now. Okay, pee in the bush. If you're listening to this podcast and your bladder is oh, God. Okay, I'm going to throw up here. There was a picture from drinking of a jar. I'm gagging. I'm not usually that sensitive to stuff, but holy fuck, I almost tossed my Pringles. Jesus. Jesus, Louises, that's disgusting. I'm turning to the internet people so I can generate a list of a random object and see if a cookie jar really cookie jar? Yeah, my mother used to have a cookie jar. Well, it's still there. She's dead. The cookie jar still exists because my brother took over the house and I'm sure it's got cobwebs in it, but she would fill it with homemade chocolate chip cookies made

Liz Cheney sees through me. She knows every bad thing I've done.  Christian Klenow sends voice feedback encouraging James to get back behind the microphone. My links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow Other podcast: @cleanenergypod Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: Voicemail: Hi, James. I was just corresponding with Dave Brodbeck, your friend who introduced me to you, and we had a podcaster meeting here in Hamburg. That's where where I am. I was in La for 32 years, but I'm now in Hamburg. Dude. Oh, man, I miss your show. When is the next Sneeze, please? Sneeze for us. Don't insert pepper into your nostrils, but just record something, please. not just a fan, I'm also one of the first German speaking podcasters. And again, you're amazing. I miss your talent. with James Whittingham. Why are you making me do this? I hate it. I hate it. I can't I like podcasting. Once you get started, you know, it's not so bad. It's been a while since I podcasted. I apologize for that. I've already hurt my throat. And today I've got not a bottle of water, but a bottle of water with a pump on top. A giant four liter, one gallon bottle of water purchased from the good people at Walmart. And instead of a little bottle of water, it's a big bottle of water. And it's got a pump. It cost me $18 on Amazon. It's pumping into a little Dixie cuff they use in the bathroom. You know what? It's one of those situations where it filled more than up. That it's just whatever the physics is that keeps it in there, that it's bulging over the top, but it's not going to be very carefully. It's got a lithiumion battery and it's been pumping fall, summer. Let me get some more. but I don't know. It's a pump. It's a water pump. Third World countries have these things in wells. Well, I've got wine in a bottle because I'm not a third World country. I've got my own bottle of water, which came from God knows where. I assume a mountain stream. Let's see. It says natural spring water. So gurgled out of the ground into a lake, and then the lake was sent to a municipal water system and they put a charcoal filter on it. That's probably what it is. I mean, all water is spring water. You could say all water is urine, right? I mean, every bit of water we've drank was pissed by something at one point in history. A dinosaur, a monkey, a fish. The fish piss. Seems like they wouldn't even notice. Why would they notice if a fish pissed? The guy behind you is like, oh, shit, Harry's pissing. And I'm swimming right into that. And my gills, which I use for oxygen, are picking up that piss. That's a pisser for them. But yeah, I mean, these bottled water shit, you can say anything about them. It should say natural piss. Not natural spring water. Natural piss water. Because everything has been pissed. You know, that everything. Listen, I don't know why I haven't done a podcast. Hell, I'm thinking about doing a podcast every damn day. Every day. Think about that. Could the three people listening to the show take it if I put out a podcast every day? Yes, they could for a while. Then they get sick of me. I have thoughts every day on things. Sometimes it's the news, sometimes it's my digestive system. Sometimes it's my urinary tract. Today I'm pissing a lot. So pissing came up. Yeah, it might. Piss is darker than I hoped it would be. It used to have a very light piss. It's turned darker. I don't think I'm drinking enough water, which is why I bought this damn pump for a big bottle, so I could drink some more water. However, the glasses, the paper cups I'm using very small. Further to that, I think a mosquito bit my leg. And I don't like mosquitoes. They're bad. This year, summer is coming to an end. This is a depressing thought. If you're me, summer is too short. Climate change, bring it on. Then we get winter. So we reset. We forget about summer, and we appreciate it. They say the key to being happy in life this is they they say this is to be thankful. And that's why Canadians are happier than Americans, because we appreciate summer. Hell, we appreciate winter sometimes because at least we're not dead. Usually that's a good thing, not being dead. And if you are dead and you're listening to this, thank you. Because I got feedback from Christian this week, and that's why I'm here. He forced me into this. You fucking asshole. I'll find you wherever the hell you are in Europe right now. I will come to you and find you and yeah. Why aren't you in Los Angeles? I always thought if I ever needed somebody to stay with in Los Angeles, that would be you. Or maybe some advice about Los Angeles. You could live there for, like, 30 years. Now. I don't have that. I've got maybe Ryan Reynolds. Good friend of mine. Ryan Reynolds a good guy, too. Won't return my calls. So liz Cheney, as you know, is from Wyoming. She's trying to protect democracy in the United States, which is ultimately protecting democracy everywhere, including here in Canada. And I don't like her. I don't agree with her on any political front other than democracy. Good, authoritarianism, bad. But that's okay because that's the most important thing when you say there's somebody from another party, but at least you have some commonality. This is the commonality. This is the commonality I have with Liz Cheney. And not to be sexist, I will now say something sexist. Feeling a bit of an attraction to her. And this is something that's developed slowly. And I know if you're male, you feel the same way. If I could program a robot dominatrix for myself, for my own personal pleasure, I would say, give me the Cheney with chains. Liz Cheney with chains. Just because I feel guilty. I feel like I've done something bad around her. I look at her, and I feel guilty, like I ate an extra cookie today. Channing knows I enjoyed sneezing liz cheney knows that I had pleasure. The church of Cheney dictates that no one be happy, because clearly she's not happy. I've never seen her smile. I've never seen her laugh or tell a joke. She's humorless. This is perfect for the robot down atrix flavor. If I were to pick 1 second to list Cheney, I don't know who it would be, honestly. Hillary Clinton, maybe. I mean, if I was having lunch with Hillary, I would feel guilty just about not being a better person, about not doing enough and not pulling my weight to keep the world a better place and being lazy. I think Cheney and Clinton would both know that it's not just being mean. It's not like I look at her and I say, she's mean. And that's why I think she would make the perfect dominatrix for me, or at least her personality applied to something else. She is a person. She's not a dominatrix. She's got her own career, and she's talented and good at what she does, I suppose, but that doesn't preclude us. I mean, have you seen the president of Finland? She's like, 36 and has active ovaries, which is very attractive to him at my age. Anyone with active ovaries? I've spilled a tiny cup of my water. I have to get some more here. There we go. That's refreshing. It's room temperature, but it's still refreshing. Oh, the itch. I'm just constantly scratching myself and getting pleasure out of it. Ms. Cheney, please, madam senator, punish me for a bad. Yeah, well, that's something that you did need to see me and tattered underwear getting restrained on Saturday night in a dungeon by channy with Hillary Clinton in the wings. What about a male dominatrix? Why do they have to be female? Who would be my male dominatrix? Who would I feel guilty in front of automatically? The pope would make a good dominatrix. He has that talent. He has that ability that whatever that thing is to make you feel guilty about just existing. And the Pope was in Canada recently. If I was looking them in the eye, I would say, he sees through me. He sees into me, and he knows that I'm a bad person. He knows all the bad things I've done. And there's a lot there's a lot of bad things I've done. I can't begin to tell you the bad things I've done. I mean, I could outline maybe one or two a show, but I don't think there's a statute of limitations in Canada that protects me from some of the bad things I've done, so I'm not going to do that. So the pope, he would have this little smile on his face as he whipped you, and he said, gems, you're bad. Take some more of this. I like the bruise. Yeah, that's the kind of pope he is. He would be a good dominator. It slips my mind with the name for dominatrix. Is that a gender specific name or is it going to be a male? Why is there no male dominatrix? Is it because males are assholes anyway? Violent, masculine assholes. And we always look for that in our sexual deviance. Heterosexual people with a female figure wearing leather. What does leather have to do with it, by the way? Liz Channy and leather. Why couldn't she be wearing a nice picnic dress, nice summer dress, or maybe a nice senate suit? Yes, it's the senate suit she's going to wear because, you know, she'll see right through me and punish me just like the pope would. The pope knows where to go. He knows where your deepest dirtiest thoughts are. And as an experienced pope, he can see those. He sees everything because he's close to god, you understand? And god knows everything, and he or she imparts that onto the pope. And the pope just knows everything you've done, and he punishes it for you. Maybe I feel like I've had too many things in my life that have gone unpunished. Maybe I need some sort of resolution to the issues of the bad things I've done. Maybe the idea of guilt could be solved with being punished for being a bad boy. I thought, that's a terribly bad boy. Who knows? I've been to Wyoming. Sadly, I've been to Wyoming several times because Wyoming stands between me and Denver, and Wyoming is like the shittiest state in the union next to the Dakota, of course, but it's a terrible fucking state with terrible fucking people. Can you imagine being left wing in Wyoming? It would be, I don't know, like being gay in the catholic church. I don't know. That seems actually quite common compared to other places, so I'm not so sure about that. Take that back. But yeah, and it's like one and three people supported her in the election and two and three didn't. It's just a terrible state. They have nothing. They have coal. You drive by coal plants with coal trains that go on and on, no one cares. And the world is changing. They're not burning coal anymore. So what does Wyoming have left? It has maybe six horses and it's got a walmart. You walk into the walmart and they've got this big display of all the people who've fought and died in wars, and it's big. It's huge. All the Wyomings wyoming nerves wyomers, wyomers have gone off and they've shot themselves, you know, in the foot and died. I assume they shot themselves because they're so stupid. I guess the idea is that Wyoming being a rugged, difficult state with not much there other than a tumbleweed and a rock, you have to be an independent sort of minded people. So all out of the pool of humanity, the independent government hating crepes went there. And it's like Australia. Wyoming is like the Australia of the United States. It's just criminals and people who don't want authority, but also really don't want to have a life worth talking about either. They just want to exist and hate on things and be conservative. And that's where Dick Cheney comes from and his daughter Liz. See, Dick himself wouldn't make a very good dominatrix. He got the CIA to do his torturing, right? And he cowardly said he had nothing to do with it or that it was perfectly fine and old man heart doesn't work. Fucker. Still alive somehow. The daughter equally conservative, maybe more so. Conservative and good dominatrix material, at least the personality. If you're going to program a personality into something, I would do the Liz Cheney. So, Liz, if you're listening, saturday nights is my dominatrix night, and between seven and nine, I tried to be punished. So you know where to find me. I can find you. You do whatever you tell me to do. I will do whatever you tell me to do. It doesn't matter. The United States, of course, is in the midst of a culture war where climate change is part of the woke movement. People who are awoke, people who are unwoke, are vampires or dead. The undead in the 70s, woke people used to be zombies, right? And the zombies, they would wake up from the grave and be woke, and they would cause trouble. They'd kill you if they could eat your brains and all that. I'm concerned about the world and where it's going. Aren't you? I feel like democracy is a good thing. I've been brainwashed to believe this. China thinks I'm wrong. Pardon me, I have to take a sip. You know, if I put Koolaid in there, it would just kick it up a notch, a whole notch. It's just that Koolaid water has artificial sweeteners in it, so it kind of has an aftertaste nowadays. But then I drank

James was triggered by the slap heard around the world at the Oscars. Plus James answers questions until you get to know him. I'm on youtube and twitter. [email protected] All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow Other podcast: @cleanenergypod Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: Sneeze with James Whittingham. Well, hello. It's me. It's James. And we're going to have a little talk again this week, aren't we? Another little talk, you and I conversing, except you're not going to say a fucking thing or I'll slap your ass. I'm really upset by the Oscars and I'm a little embarrassed by it because I don't know why I'm upset. I mean, it's not like I shouldn't be upset. I see lots of other comedians are particularly sensitive to the idea of violence against comedy. I don't know why. It's in my psyche somewhere. Maybe it's happened to me before. The fear has always been there. Or maybe I was just beaten to a pulp as a kid. One can't necessarily remember, but it bothered me. Well, I'm in Canada where you fight in hockey and it's considered the best part of the game. I hate fighting in hockey. I'm not a hockey fan per se. It used to be when I was a kid, but never been to a hockey game until I was. And then I saw a fight and I thought, that's barbaric. What the fuck are they doing? This is acceptable in our society. I didn't have kids at the time. I was just about to have kids and I thought, I'm not taking my kids to a hockey game. So I didn't until they were old enough to understand. Not that I understand. It was just totally fucked up. The Oscars, everybody hates watches the Oscars, but they watch it. Everybody's watching it. I don't hate to watch them. I love the Oscars. I've always loved the Oscars. I've loved the movies that the Oscars celebrate, almost always. I love them. I'm not a film stock up nerd. I like those movies. That is fair to say also that I don't like superhero movies that much. I don't get as much out of them as I do, say, an Oscar nominated best picture, but that's just me. Maybe I didn't read enough comic books as a kid because I was illiterate. So blame it on my stupidity for not getting more into comic book films and superheroes. I do watch them. I do enjoy them, but I don't enjoy them as much as I should. I just don't get that excited about them. So when that slap thing happened, I knew right away it was real. I didn't know it was real until he threw his fist across his face and assaulted Chris Rock, but I didn't have to wait for him to sit down and start shouting obscenities and see the look on his face, which he could not fake. Will Smith, capable actor, could not pull shit like that off. Chris Rock, capable actor. I know that reaction. I know it. It was real and it was just so sour to see the Oscars soured like that, just chat upon after my whole life and another life before mine of dignity and celebration, of the art form that I studied in university that I fell in love with when I was a child, going to the theater every week, and I respected. I just watched fucking Will Smith smoothie. Now I don't want to look him in the face. Now I'm triggered to see his fucking face. I cannot even see him and not feel bad. I just watched him at king Richard, which I thought he was pretty good, but not best picture, not best actor good. I saw some inconsistencies. pulled back the understanding of it. He also reminded me of my brother Bill, the character he played, which I thought was a positive in the portrayal of him. Anyway I can't get over. It's like the world changed. It's like September 11. It's like trump being elected president, and then the Oscar slap. That's how I feel about it. For me, my world has changed. The Oscars will never be a safe place. The Oscars will never be guaranteed. I mean the fuck up at the end of the Oscars a couple of years ago with the reading of the wrong name, that was pretty legit. The world is falling apart, people. Okay? It's falling apart. I went and bought an air freshener at the dollar tree dollar 25. Searched through them all, found a red one, because I like red, and it was a berry scent. It was one of them. We recently had one in our tiny bathroom. They call it real estate agents. They call it a powder room. So it's just a turlot and a sink, and that's a small room, so you should be able to smell it, and I can't. And no, I don't have covet. I have been checked for covet, and I smell everything else. I smell myself smelling myself right now. But I'm telling you that this thing, this air freshener, this wax cone that imitates the glade air fresheners has, no offense, no scent whatsoever. I put it right up to my nose. It is a piece of colored wax that has no scent. It does not absorb scent, and it's supposed to emit scent, a pleasant, bury scent, and it is nothing. The world has gone to shit. When you can't get an air freshener for your shitter that smells like anything, even if it smells like a bad invitation to berry, we'd be ahead of where we are now. But no, the world has gone to absolute motherfucking shit. People are assaulting people at the Oscars, and they're not getting hauled away, and then they're getting applauded when they win the o. What the fuck is wrong with this goddamn world? What is it? If the covet factor wasn't bad enough, then don't blame the shit on COVID, and don't blame it on mental illness, because there's been no talk of mental illness yet. He certainly seemed to completely lose his shit. And the fact that he had his publicist come on at every commercial break at three commercial breaks before his award or whatever to find that perfect tone to hit leads me to believe that he and then dancing with a fucking Oscar at a party afterwards like nothing had happened. No. You bishlap Chris Rock at the Oscars, you go home and you're a mouse. Nobody knows you exist. You hide, okay? Air fresheners don't stink. Oscars. I don't know, man. It's just I've got a sick admission for you. I've got a very sick admission for you. It's not sexual. It's how the war in Ukraine has made me feel normal. This is normal. War somewhere far away is normal. It's what I grew up with. There's always somebody invading. As much as I am completely distressed by that, I am as much as anyone. And it's just I can't even I've got to take a break from the television set because I am just full of empathy for the Ukrainians. But at the same time, somehow it feels normal. As bad as it is, if you can count on bad things that you are used to that it's. Somehow the world is what it's supposed to be, and it's a lot scarier where the world is not supposed to be what it is now. Tell that to Ukrainians who were living their life just fine until this shit happened for no good reason. All right, the computer is asking me I'm being asked what is my favorite candy? Good question. Thank you for the question. Let's see here. My favorite candy is anything that tastes like the fruity flavors of red orange and that's it. Red orange. If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be? I'd be a horny banana. Because essentially what I've always been is a horny banana. Yeah. A little bit brown, a little bit a few places around bruises. The peel starting to come off a little bit. Something like that. And as I get older, the band and I had to get softer and less fresh. It's beyond ripe now. It's now moving into the not so ripe section. Madonna. If she didn't take it already. I would change it to Madonna something with Zack Powers or something stronger and less British. What are you interested in that most people haven't heard of? Staying with sex. I'm kidding. I'm not going to talk about sex. I would say, yeah, okay, here's something. I'm interested in aviation. I'm interested in air traffic control. Sometimes I go down a rabbit hole of air traffic control on YouTube and I listen to when planes get into stress. It's like reality television for me, except this is actual reality reality television. Of course, as you know, if you were smart it's so fucking fake. I have smart people in the TV industry who watch reality television. I think I can watch 5 seconds before I think, fake, fake, fake. That's fake. Obviously coached. I mean, it's so obvious to me. And yet these people watch it. Now, I can suspend my disbelief for a lot of things. I'll watch mostly movies sometimes and get into it. But ultimately reality television. I know how they do it. It's obvious stuff. And you create drama and conflict where there isn't any. So you take that away and you take the music away and you've got kindergarten at best. Somebody fighting over a banana. The last book you gave up and stopped reading? The phone book. What's your worst habit? Overeating. What's one of your favorite smells? Overeating and digestion 8 hours later. What's your earliest memory? Interesting. My earliest memory is going downtown with my mother and going to some sort of restaurant, some sort of open space restaurant and having a pure orange drink and a glass. And I remember just being fixated on how orange the glass was filled with orange drink, orange juice. It was an orange pop of some sort. And that's my earliest memory for some reason. Of course it's food related. It's my fucking obese. You've lost all of your possessions but one. What would you want it to be? Oh, shit. I'm going to have to save my computer because I create with my computer. I don't know. That's a tough one. What's something you wish you'd figured out sooner? Women. Can't say I fully figured them out, but I know how they operate now. I know how they go. I know what the deal is. I wish I figured that out in high school or maybe even earlier. And by the way, it's pretty easy. What was your favorite teacher and why? Who was your favorite teacher? I didn't have any. My kindergarten teachers. The last teacher gave me any respect, they cast me a little Red Riding Hood as a wolf. I don't really remember, but I'm pretty sure I sparkled. What is one of the greatest value that guides you in your life? Don't harm others in your group of friends. What role do you play? Beastmaster. What's your worst habit? Frequent masturbation. Pizza or tacos? Pizza. But tacos second or third? What is something you could never seem to finish? Career success. What's on your bucket list this year? Career success. Who inspires you to be better? Everyone with career success. Have you ever saved someone's life? Not that I know of. But I am pretty good at swerving and avoiding accidents sometimes and there's been a few people I've had the question whether they would have survived it or not. What's something you learned in the last week? That the gummies I bought aren't in fact CBD only. What issue will you always speak out about your mind? That's racism and sexism. What's the story behind one of your scars? Got a little round scar on my right wrist. Yeah, you can barely see it now. It's on my right wrist. I was put on a horse when I was three years old at Buffalo Days festivities in the city of Regina where I lived. And I didn't want to get on a horse. I was scared and I got off and my dad was a smoker and the cigarette went right into my hand and gave me a scar. I don't remember him being too upset about it. I don't remember me being upset about it. But I never don't want you to get on the damn horse. It's not one of those scars that gets you chicks either. It's a conversation piece, but it's not really. Nobody likes to see their dad score their child. What's the best thing you got from one of your parents? My dad was a decent man. My mother was not. I got decency from my dad. What is one of your favorite smells? I'm a french fries. The grease in a restaurant, baking bread. Anything chocolate. What would you do on a free afternoon in the middle of the week? I would podcast. What's one of your favorite comfort foods? Chips and dip. It is my Kryptonite. And if chips and dip didn't exist and we went back in time and somebody uninvented chips and dip if you were looking at me now, I would drop to half the size I am and also probably have long flowing hair. What is an incredibly strong opinion you have that is completely unimportant in the grand scheme of things? I guess the fact that I live among rednecks, that it's a very rednecky place I live. It really doesn't matter, you know. Rednecks are everywhere. What languages do you speak? A good question. None. Do you have any nicknames? Now, when I was a kid I was called Jamie by my parents and everyone called me Jamie. And then the bionic woman came out and people were calling me Jamie Summers Haha. You're Jamie Summers Haha. Grade three. And then I saw James Bond movie and I realized I went to St. James church and I realized that by Bruce is James, so I changed it to James. So if you call me Jim or Jimmy, it means nothing to me. You know what I mean? You might as well call me Harry or Frank. This is a completely different name. However, my friends call me Jim or Jimmy as a ironic nickname. I've been totally wrong. I'm not making that up. Jay said it, in case you're asking. Yeah, it feels perfectly natural. Feels like a nickname. An enduring nickname. Terminal of endurance.

How James plans to 'get rid of' 'The Russian Perogie' due to his war on Ukraine. All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow Other podcast: @cleanenergypod Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: Obese man on obese world Obesity Day 2022 Drinking a Diet Pepsi because he can't drink water. He needs, needs everything to be sweet. Here it goes from a bottle. Not a good patch. That was carbon dioxide releasing from my belly. I'm not high. I'm not anything. Hello. This is my plan to kill Vladimir Putin. Vladimir Putin, the autocratic dictator of the Federated, russia of Russia. To which I say to you, fuck you, Vladi. Fuck you, you treasonous, war criminal, small, bunker minded, tiny man. I'm coming to kill you. Yes, you. This is how I'm going to do it. You need to be killed. You need to be spanked. Honestly. Of course you need to be spanked. But I think you would enjoy that. Being the man who hangs out in oligarch circles on yachts with young impressionable women with low selfesteem. Probably spanking you for thousands of dollars and jewelry gifts. That's their problem. One day they will end up dead. No one will care. They should care. But they're not going to, are they? Because you're going to make people not care. The truth is out there. Accepted Russia, where truth does not exist. Truth is such a precious commodity that people, when they actually hear the truth, don't believe it. Like those who listen to Fox News as those who think that the vaccine is doing something permanent to you when science says otherwise. Putin probably made you think that not taking the vaccine going on Facebook is the real microchip implantation. Russia is no doubt involved in this shit of making people stupid. And that's why I'm going to fucking kill Vladimir Putin middle name. Get this, vladimirovich the man so nice, they named him basically twice. Vladimir. Vladimirovich. That's like Jameson Whittingham. Here's how I'm going to do it. The poison agent that killed or almost killed his opposition leader or opposition figure in the country is Novocalk. Okay? Now you know how dangerous this is. Contaminated planes by the dozens. And it's a nerve agent. There's a trace that can kill you. So I'm getting the same room as Vladi out of the pretense that I am a yacht broker, because you know there's going to be a lot of yachts on the open market. I try to pick one up myself. These are yachts that are going to be seized by these fuckers who support Putin and took all of Russia's money. One owns a steel plant just down the road from me. It's amazing. Fucking oligarchs and their yachts. Their billion dollar yachts. You know, the disco is in the basement of the yacht. I think that's a mistake. I think the disco should be on the top floor. I don't want to go down into the CD Club if I own the world that this club exists in. I wanted to be up high. Let it be under the stars. Let it be a rooftop party. Let it have a deck that opens up so you can see the stars. Put the disco on the roof along with the pool and the helipads. You can't have a million dollar yacht without a helipad and a helicopter. You need an escape route. Do you know the fanciful thing that seems unbelievable about these fucking yachts? They have anti paparazzi lasers. The lasers can detect camera flashes and instantly respond by blinding the camera so that you cannot take pictures of it. These things are real. I checked it out. It's not a myth. They actually have anti paparazzi lasers on them, as well as anti aircraft and anti terrorist shit. Russian Pepsi. Alright, vladi, you know, he sits across giant tables. He's paranoid of covet. I don't think he's taking the vaccine. He made his daughter take the vaccine. But he's so paranoid at covet that his tables are like a block long. They're city block long. I'm not even kidding. They're huge. They've had to construct these tables to make Vladi look like he should end sit at one of the ends of it. Yeah. So that's where my meeting would take place, as all meetings do with Putin on the end of a block long table where you have to shout to the other side. It's true. I think he's scared of being poisoned. But here's what I've looked at the rooms of where he has his meetings. There's like four or five doors on them. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to make my pitch for my yachts, okay? I want to sell them a yacht. I'm going to secure yacht and that's going to be my pitch. I'll have a translator there as well. I don't know who that's going to be, but someone sexy to distract him. Not that sexy because I got to get to that in a minute. There's going to be a different kind of sexy that's going to distract him. What I'm going to do is I'm going to touch all the doors and I'm going to tell him, all right, there's no shock and all the doors and I'm going to die within three minutes. But here's the deal. Here's the deal, Vladi. I want you to give up what you're doing in the Ukraine. In Ukraine. Not the Ukraine. It's not the Canada, it's not the Iceland. It's Ukraine. Just fucking Ukraine. James. Okay? I want you to give it up, Vladi. And here's what you're going to do. You're going to tell your troops right now on the phone, on the blower to pick it up and tell them to leave or I'm going to come and touch you. Now, he knows Taekwondo, supposedly, but he's an old man. He's getting old, obviously. He's going crazy. Bat shit fucking crazy. So he'll come at me, my defense, dropping my pants. You know how he hates anything gay in the Russia. Just comes out really against gay. He's homophobic. I'll drop my pants. Two things will happen. Either he is gay and he'll be consumed by the glisten of my penis. Consumed. Or he'll be so disgusted that he'll just stop in his track so he won't go near me. Okay, this is why penises are a great self defense, and they're often not used in that way. There's two ways that it'll go. Either he is gay and he'll be taken aback by the glisten of my penis, the shining orb that is my junk, or he'll be completely scared of it. And most people are scared of it, to be honest. This will help me work. With the tools you have, they're not going to take off my penis before I enter the room. They might try to take it off afterwards. That's what I'm going to do. Okay? Now, I assume somewhere in the room there's a fork. And with that fork, I'm going to stab him in the heart. I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to kill him, and then I'm going to eat them because he looks like a pirogi to me. And on behalf of the Ukrainian people, I'm going to eat Putin. And then when the guards come in, I'll say, it was never here. Once again, here, because I've eaten them. And I'll say, what are those bones over there? Oh, we had some chicken. Vladi has really big chickens. He doesn't show them to everybody he works with, but he does. He has very big chickens. Those are like I said, we just had a really good time meeting them. And that's how I'm going to kill him, basically with my penis, a dinner fork, and the threat of the very poison he used against other people. It's simple. I don't know why somebody's not doing it. I don't know why I have to do this shit. There should be spies that can do this. And why haven't they done it a long time ago? He's out of control. The man is a menace. Should be cluster bombing his fucking mansion, his palace in the woods. Why are we doing that? Maybe a small nuke on that would be nice. God, I hate that fuck. Vladimir. Vladimirovic Putin. Suck my fucking white cock, you useless piece of pirogi shit. Going to bring salt with me? They'll probably not let me have salt. I'm going to try. I'll PrePat it down for salt. Maybe if I put salt in my pocket, just loosely, a little bit of pepper. I don't want to eat him raw, but I will get rid of him. Or maybe I'll psychologically make him realize that he's gay and make him stab himself in the heart because he despises it. He's so afraid of it. My junk will make Putin realize he's gay and he'll kill himself. That's the bunker mentality. Yes. That's how it's going to go down. Wrinkly, middle aged man scrotum freshly waxed at the parlor, the Russian parlor. They don't care about paying much there, do they? Maybe we should get it done overseas, here in North America. Anyway, that's my plan. I'm going to kill him as soon as I can. I'm learning as much as I can about yachts. I'm trying to get one myself. I would rent it out as an airbnb. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, but I wouldn't rent the whole thing out to rich people. I just rent it out to moderately rich people so everybody could be like my own cruise ship. Like $5,000 a night for one of the bunks. And that's not including food. You pay for your food. The big buffet grossly biased by my fast food habits. So we're talking hamburgers, french fries, tacos on Tuesdays and Saturdays, and pizza vagina style. You don't know what that is, but you won't even be able to look it up. I'm afraid it'll be hard. You'd have to do some deep digging to find what Regina style pizza is. I think it's thick and saucy. So what else would I cake? Yeah, like I said, it's world obesity day today, and it's also world engineering day. So I got a kid in engineering university, and so he celebrated. I'm celebrating. We're both going to have cake. It'll be more apt that I have the cake, being obese as it is and celebrating the day. Yeah, and I'll wear my mask, too. Damn it. You know what? He'll probably want me to wear a mask. I could say the mask has the poison, but I've bitten a pill in my molar and I've got pills in my molar. I've got all kinds of them. I've got a flintstones in one, I've got poison pill in another. I've got various pills in my molars. I'm not a spy, but you want to be prepared with these things if you can. I'm a man who likes to be prepared, and putting pills in my mowers is certainly one of the first steps I took when I became an adult. And you got to get it replaced. Every few years. They do expire, so the dentist will say, james, your poison pills expired. We'd like to see you in the next three months. Otherwise it's going to be pointless or not as effective when you crunch the poison pill, because you'll just die slowly and stuff instantly. What you want to do if you're under dress and torture. So, yeah, it's not easy. It's not cheap either. You got to get a lot of work done to get those pills out. It's hard too. You got to crack the molar rate open. But it's doable. It's doable. And when you're under stress, a lot of adrenaline is not that hard. Not as hard as you think. I've practiced it. So yeah, the man, the fucker, the loser, the piece of shit has to die. And I'm surprised that the whole world isn't marching into Ukraine and fighting. I know some people are. I know it's crazy, but I feel like we have to fight for democracy, that it's worth it, that this is an actual fight for democracy. We'll do it on Ukraine soil. I'm sorry, Ukraine. I'm sorry. It's shitty. The whole world is shitty. I mean, you think you can't get any shittier and suddenly Vladimir Putin, the progeny of Russia, the man named twice because his parents thought that he probably wouldn't remember a middle name, so they gave him his first name again because he was too stupid. Fuck you, Putin. I'm going to stick a fork in your heart. Then I'm going to eat you. I'm going to eat you. Then I'm going to say you're left over chicken. A giant chicken. That's what you are. Leftover chicken. When the people come into the room. Fuck you. So I'm not a killer. I don't kill people. But you deserve to be killed in the worst way, with a dinner fork. My dinner fork. The dinner fork of an obese yacht agent. A man who sells possessed yachts to the uber wealthy. Maybe he'll be trying to get a yacht back for one of his buddies. But the word is he's estranged from everyone. He's probably estranged from his children. Why would you talk to this man? He's such a piece of shit. He's the world's biggest loser. Hitler had a mustache. Flat. He can't grow one. Hitler had hair. He had wonderful hair. Flatty. Can't grow hair. Imagine how he feels. A failed artist, a useless piece of shit in total control of information and everything. And yet he fears becoming Mumar Gaddafi. Sodomized as he's dragged off and killed from his bunker. That's what's going to happen. Except the fork is going to be the sodomy and the asshole is going to be your heart, because you are an asshole. Going to cut it there. I hope the next time I talk to you, things are better in the world. I don't think they will be. It's important to listen what great minds like myself have to say about this. And it's important to know that I will kill Vladimir Putin. See you next time. Announcer: Thanks for listening to Sneeze spread the love, tell your friends.

Tired of the crazy fringe. Trucker convoys, conspiracy theories, and absolutely insane accusation of a false flag. Covid restrictions.  A brief update from James.

A shy comic performer who had just got on to national television runs is broke and takes a job as a personal assistant to one of Hollywood's most infamous directors, Peter Bogdanovich. You're truly spent two intimate weeks with Bodanovich and took he, his then wife, Louise Stratten, her mother and a relative to Niagara Falls in the middle of cutting a Disney movie of the week. I was somewhat terrified of the man. But he might have been more broke than I was at the time. This is my story.    

Being a noted hypochondriac of course I thought I was dying when they ordered a 5 foot scope up my ass.  The story, fear and elation as James gets a colonoscopy at the General Hospital in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada.

Before today, if I showed up in Heaven, the first thing I'd ask is to be a fly on the wall during a Beatles record production. Thanks to Peter Jackson, that wish has been fulfilled on Earth and is airing on Disney Plus. The Beatles were the soundtrack to my earliest memories. How they achieved such greatness mystified me my whole life. But I am now complete.

James screams about racism, racist relatives, the Rittenhouse verdict, and failing his colon screening test assuming once again death is near. It's not. IF YOU ARE A RACIST stop listening to me now. Unsubscribe from everything I do.  Obama's election made us pat ourselves on the back and too many of assumed we were post racism. Then, like powering off the machine that contained the ghosts on the first Ghostbusters, Trump unleashed the racism within so many people.  Thanks for listening.  Black Lives Matter. Every Child Matters. All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow Other podcast: @cleanenergypod Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: Thanks for listening to Sneeze. I'm in a dark mood today. Hello, this is James. Dark after dark, before dark, during dark, I'm not happy. Not only did I fail my colonoscopy screening test, which was no fun, although looking into it, I'm probably going to live. That's probably fine. And if it's not, I'll probably live. We'll see. I mean, I could die from any number of things. This I know. It could happen anytime. My weight is not good. It is inexplicably non stop risen. Even with trying during the pandemic, something's wrong. My tapeworm died. I don't know what happened. So yeah, I could drop dead of a heart attack. We had a shed lot of snow on my street. It drifted in. And when the snow drifts, it becomes hard and heavy and dense like cement. Don't ask me why, okay, because I'm a geek. I think what happens to is the crystals get eroded, so there's no space between them anymore. And what you have is just frozen snow, which is ice, and ice is heavy. So yeah, I was stuck at home. We shoveled my wife's car because she needs it for work. I stayed at home with my car because it was 20ft of about three tons of snow. And I tried using my little electric my battery. Electric snow shovel doesn't do a thing. I mean, it does things, but it's like chipping away at an iceberg with a pick you can't get anywhere. And I don't have a snow blower because I would probably have one. I bought one and took it back once because I didn't like it. It was clearance and there was something wrong with it. It was fucking broken. There you go. But I need one once every three, four years. Once one time every three, four years. The rest of the time the snow shovel will do me fine because it doesn't snow that much here usually. So I don't have a snow blower. My neighbors do and they like to stop at the property line. The fuckers? The fuckers can't go past the property line. There's a guy down the street with an ATV. When he got to my driveway, he stopped. Why? I don't know. I don't know. He's a redneck. Pretty sure he's a redneck. Pretty sure I heard him. Pretty sure I heard him yelling obscenities at a woman once. A strange woman. Not a strange woman, a stranger to him, which is never good when somebody's driving down the street. It's just stupid. The whole world is stupid. And the written house verdict just came down. I wanted to talk about racism anyway. So I said, James, go feed yourself. Get some carbohydrates, turn on the telly while you eat because you need a distraction, because you're eating poorly. Once you see a white man crying on a stand, you know it's going to go well for him. What's his fucking deck on the Supreme Court. Fucking cunt. You fucking piece of shit cunt. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a rant cast, but I am dying, people, and I have a right to be angry. It's one of the stages of learning that you failed your colonoscopy test. Your colonoscopy screening test, your colon screening test, your shit test. I talked about it last week. I doubt my shit really well. I didn't want to miss anything. Well, I didn't, because they found it. They found what? They were looking for samples of blood on the edge of my stool, which could be there for any number of reasons. I read one statistic that said 4% of people actually have cancer who failed a test. Okay, I don't even like those odds. You know that. But it's not a death sentence, which is why they screen you in the first place. They send these kits out of the mail and they screen them so that you don't die of colon cancer. And the good news is, if I pass my colonoscopy, which I'm not sure I will, I think there's a better chance of 4% that I am dying or have a fatal disease or a dangerous disease. But I think that if I pass, they tell me that I don't have to do a shit test for five years because apparently colon cancer moves slowly. That has to be the only reason why they would do that for five years. So I've read other statistics that scared the daylights out of me. I prefer to go with the 4% one because those are pretty good odds. Pretty good odds. But I'm a fat bastard. I've had two colonoscopies. I've had a little constipation. Oh, we better send you for colonoscopy. I get in three days. Once three days later, I had given myself Enemas. This is the old days. They're better now. You actually have to give it yourself. Two Enemas, clean out your fucking shithole. And yeah, we had a scope of Me 5ft long Deemeral, and they don't use Demerol anymore. I hope the new drug is good. They say they put you to sleep. I just don't want to not wake up because I'm a fat man. Fat men don't sleep well in hospital settings. Hopefully this is not my last podcast. Let's see here. The colonoscopy is on the 9th, so it'll either be a terrible Christmas or Christmas of renewal. A second chance, at least on life. But I don't know what I'm going to do with I pissed away my life already. But you know what? I think I'm pretty happy with my life now. There's one thing that I'm not happy with, and that is finances. I have not earned money per se in any significant way that would benefit my family a little bit here and there, but not in a way that I should have provided for my family that I regret. However, as far as accomplishments go and the person that I am in the situation I'm in, everything except money is really good. In fact the young James looking back saying 1820 year old James would be thrilled with the things that I've accomplished. I wouldn't even been able to believe that. I don't know, I haven't cured cancer, I haven't solved pie. But I had low expectations I think at that age. And I'm really happy with some of the things I've accomplished. Some of the things I never would have expected to have accomplished or been at. So I am content in what I have accomplished in my little bits of career and in my life. I'm a father and that's worked out really well. So beyond money, I'm happy. Know that know also that I really like chocolate and I really like food too much. And my body is falling apart. And I can't exercise very well because things are physically not working physically. There are things that are just not working for me to exercise. I am exercising as best I can. But I would be doing a lot more if I could. And I can't. My foot for example, problems with my foot, mechanical problem, tendon problem and it's just not fucking these things take a long time to heal. I don't have time. I don't have much time anymore. And time goes by faster. I'm basically dead. Okay? I'm 55 years old. The time in the last 50 years went by pretty damn fast. In the next 50 years if I lived that long and I won't. But let's say I did. It'd probably be like a day, right? It's going to be a very quick time. And I won't even seen everything that there is to see on Netflix. That's just the top tier shows I wouldn't have even gotten to. So I don't know. I'm pissed off about a lot of things. I'm pissed off that I don't have enough money to buy a snow bloor and that I'm thinking of either buying a defibrillator or snow blower. I need one of the two for days like today. Because I can shovel. But I think my heart will probably be one of the people who dies shoveling. Because it's easy. It's easy to get the heart rate going suddenly and you're out in the cold, you're mad, you're mad at the snow. Maybe you're not mad, but you're not happy. snow blower or the fibrillator or both or I should be rich enough to pay for a fucking person to shovel and have maids and what else is there? I won't get into them starting to get self conscious about what I say because my kids can listen to my show. I can't do that. I can't worry about that. I can hide for the fact that they even have the show. So we'll do that. We'll do that instead. I thought electric cars and perhaps flying cars would be ubiquitous by now. I also thought sex robots would be ubiquitous. Where are we on these things? We're late. I thought cancer would be cured, didn't you? Those people are my age and grew up in the 70s, came of age in the 80s. Didn't you think that? Why are we so far behind when Obama became President of the United States? I naively, and I hate myself for thinking this. At the same time, I don't blame myself, but I was very naive to think that racism was not over, but it was a big pat on the back. Hey, look, it's moving forward. The world is moving forward like we thought it would, like we expected it to, and it hasn't. And it's amazing how much it has. And if anything, having Obama's president is what opened up the reality of what people actually think. The reaction to him becoming president, a black man in charge, God forbid, and the reaction of Trump and everything that came around that and the Unleashing is like Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters own theaters today, the new Ghostbusters. It's like opening up where they turned out off the power, where they restored the Ghost. That's what Trump did. He turned off to the power of the racist ghosts within us, and they all came out, and now they're raging and they're taking over the world, and we have lost control to the racists. If you're on Facebook and you share a racist meme of any sort, anything that has to do with race, anything that has to do with Black Lives Matter, for fuck's sake, put a sheet over your head while you do it. Be yourself. Don't pretend you're not racist. I can't stand racism. I never could stand racism. And now it's unbelievably worse than ever because people wear it on their fucking sleeves like it's okay, like they hide behind conspiracy theories to enforce and back up their racism, that they really want to feel they really want to get up in the morning to feel that they are not equal, that they are superior. But that doesn't come up with their conversation, does it? It's there, though. If you are racist, you think you are superior because you're white. Now, there's other kinds of racism, yes, but primarily it's white people think either superior to people who are not white, that their skin color affects how they are, and that their place in the world was Godgiven, even though Christ himself was not white, that whites were given the earth. Well, fuck you. Fuck your mother, too. Fuck her grave if she's dead. I'm so fucking pissed off with racists fuck. My relative was here visiting overnight, going on about Black Lives Matter, how he would not this is an intelligent man who has traveled the world, who has money, has decided it's too risky to go to the United States because Black Lives Matter have free reign, according to what? I don't know where the fuck he got that from. But I'm assuming it was on racebook or his buddies were on Facebook spreading this shit, amplifying this shit. Come on. And that the good people protesting at the Capitol were arrested and others were not. Therefore, United States is not someplace it's affecting his fucking life. Now, I don't know. This guy was always a fucking racist. Everybody from fucking Alberta is racist. I can't cross that goddamn border without encountering racism. Literally, I count five minutes of talking to someone before I hear a racist fucking joke or the phrase, I'm not racist. But these people have relatives who are black, and yet they fucking crap around, and they should be in a goddamn sheet. Fuck them. Fuck the world for being racist. Fuck human nature for being racist. Have we not moved past that? Have we not fucking moved past racism? Has education not been enough for us to move past the fact that people think they are superior to another race? It's horseshit. Had I not say that because I'm dying? Because I don't really believe that I'm dying. I believe that I'm dying slowly. Fuck, I'm so sick of racist. And of course, none of them, not a single fucking racist, thinks they're racist. Not one of them. They're the last people. They think they're the least racist people in the world. Wake the fuck up. You're racist, which means you're a shitbag, which means you don't deserve to fucking breathe in free society. Go back to your fucking holes. This boil has been lanced. Till next time.

James takes his 13 year old fishnet-wearing daughter trick or treating only to find sympathy for her being alone got her more candy. But when he rummages through her candy he finds the choices are boring and few. If someone with a time machine stopped Halloween from getting invented, James' pants would fall to the floor.  Asshole Mark Zuckerberg wants to us face to face via headsets, looking at fake other people.  Hundreds of QAnon believers gathered in Dallas to witness the supposed return of John F. Kennedy and John F. Kennedy Jr., who are very much dead. This is a bad sign for the future. Elon Musk could put 6 billion dollars into solving world hunger if the U.N. can come up with a plan. James would be happy if Elon Musk solved James Peckishness for about a hundred bucks. We spin the wheel and talk pansexuals, panphobias and paperboys.  Thanks for listening. See James on Tik Tok.

Every other white person has a family castle in the U.K. Not the Whittinghams. Odd phobias like fear of small holes! A sex toy to hide your valuables. Not those valuables! James speculates that the abandoned Whittingham Psychiatric Hospital in Great Britain is haunted and perhaps your host is a serial killer.  Movie idea for Trinidadian-Canadian director, Lowell Dean. Caution: Listening to this podcast will kill you. Find me on Tik Tok and Twitter @sneezeshow Contact me [email protected] Tell your friends!

There's a rat urine disease in New York City that's killing people. As if we didn't have enough problems. The Queen is near death and James can't take the idea of even more change, like the Queen not being on money. She's always been on money. Now we have everything wrong with the world and our money will look different. Tooooo much change!  James is now on TikTok come see him! https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswhittinghamsneeze [email protected] Twitter @sneezeshow James on Twitter @jewhittingham Check out my other podcast, The Clean Energy Show. Thank you!

James discovers there's such a thing as a 55 plus seniors living complex, right after turning 55. He ponders why people his age would need their own middle-aged home.  Denny's seniors' menu, BTS obsession, returning to the gym, combining a cat and a dog to make a super pet. All links James: https://linktr.ee/whittingham Twitter: @jewhittingham and @sneezeshow Other podcast: @cleanenergypod Contact us [email protected]

James returns with nipples you could eat off of and is ready to talk horse dewormer, Norm Macdonald, obituaries, getting back to the gym and how each hot dogs you eat can take 36 minutes off your life. Plus: Do vegetables feel pain? Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]      

Is the pandemic over? James gains weight due to the lockdown. He vaxes his family at great lengths and almost gets exposed. Then he goes to an anti-lockdown rally to listen in to the lunatics and bigots. A local YouTuber details cars and people get off on watching a good-looking man clean. How to tell if someone is on steroids. James can't figure out TikTok and asks for your help. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]      

No prep, James just starts talking! Cotton pillow cases, broken bidet, covid vaccine, Victor Lam story, congrats to Lowell Dean on getting the prick, the Impossible Whopper, pandemic malaise.  Nothing fancy today, just James talking. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]    

James thinks he will get the vaccine soon but his unusual friend Victor Lam (star of "WolfCop" and "Another WolfCop"), who joins him on the show, has already had it! Victor hesitated first. We'll find out why. Plus James is constipated and has to explain what a bidet is to Victor. Then we spin the wheel to create conversation topics just like the old days! James's other comedy podcast "Where Porn Stars Go to Die" tells the fictional story of an over-the-hill porn icon who breaks his penis and has to navigate life in the real world.  LISTEN/FOLLOW Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6dcop1ve2n1tm6CiNtmNau Voice Mail: https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze Email [email protected] YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAuA5hq1N17HsJgDz96J9NQ

The Weeknd's Super Bowl half time show was a big success for James so screw you. But he spent 7% of his own bank account to make it happen because Pepsi was being cheap assholes. A brief overview of the past Super Bowl half time shows including the first one that featured The Three Stooges in 1967. James thinks the crowd of 25 thousand at the game didn't need to be there to make a difference. They could have faked the crowd noise. And what if it rained on the cardboard cut outs. Would the have wilted and died? A studio audience should be vaccinated before everyone else and fly around to all the late night talk shows because James misses laughter.  Guillermo Rodriguez from Jimmy Kimmel Live has a drinking problem and isn't enough to provide laughter for the show. James is an elitist but has never eaten babies or drank their blood. If the secret cabals with Bill Gates and George Soros were so secret, how do we know about them?   The Tide-to-Go pens are not big enough for James's lifestyle. He needs one as big as one of those jumbo Jiffy markers. And did you know he takes his shirt off to eat a hot dog? Ground Hogs are only right about 37% of the time on Ground Hog Day. Why not reverse the myth so it's accurate? A woman claims her Goop vagina candle exploded in her living room. James does a calculation to come up with the perfect gravity. Christopher Plummer died and only not is everyone calling him a drunk. RIP. Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy, came out with a 3 hour movie but that's too long for me to watch. Canadian's care about U.S. politics because if the United States goes authoritarian they'll take over Canada. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]  

James thinks he can sneak into a elderly care home and steal the Covid-19 vaccine from getting injected into an old person.  Gravity is increasing. Introducing a now-defunct experimental podcast format from James Whittingham that involves storytelling. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]    

Santa is battered by 2020 and Christmas needs to be saved! A highly-personal interview with Santa Claus on how the pandemic has affected him personally and his operations at the North Pole. It's so bad he insists on retiring and cancelling Christmas. He's even looking at converting to Judaism.  Topics touched on include elves, Mrs. Claus, infidelity, overdoing Christmas decorating, consumerism, helping the poor and how we should care more about other people.  Santa is convinced to read Twas the Night Before Christmas and gives his behind-the-scenes insights into the classic poem.  Subscribe to our YouTube channel.  Twitter. Not suitable for young children. Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]  

Follow me on Twitter @SneezeShow ! James remains holed up during a winter storm while Death relentlessly knocks on his door. Covid is everywhere and coming for James at any minute. James thinks about the Israeli Space minister saying aliens exist and are meeting with Americans on Mars. He would really feel hurt if aliens did exist and he's never gotten probed.  James faces his mortality and examines all the things he assumed would happen to him like thwarting a robbery or paddling a kayak during a flood on the evening news. In the end, James decides to answer the door. 

Celebrating the Canadian National Day of Podcasting, James reflects on his old podcast, JamesPod and then, in the spirit of that old show, does an audio demonstration of how to use a bidet. Featuring a homage to voice over actor Jay Robertson, The Canadian Podcast Buffet with Mark Blevis and the late Bob Goyetche.  Bidet tip: Use warm water but not for too long or you loosen everything up and an enema ensues.  Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected]

2020 has been our Covid year from hell and James continues to be unstable. The Utah Monolith and Denmark minks coming back from the dead seal the deal on this godawful year. 50 million Americans think the U.S. election was stolen but they're not in the streets protesting like they are in Belarus. Why? Because they don't really believe it. They choose to live in a fantasy world. Plus the crazy story when James was trying to fall asleep to the podcast The Feed by Libsyn. Part 2 coming soon.

Comic James Whittingham stopped podcasting during the pandemic but now he's back to fill you in on everything he did during the summer. His daughter became feral. She it took months and hundreds of dollars to unmatte her hair before school. James lists the things that don't work on his body since he's getting old. Mark auditioned to be side-kick on the show and we play his tape including his recongnition of James's devotion to the bidet. James only learned recently that Robin of Batman and Robin was a kid. How James spent his pandemic: He bought an ebike which gave him the false impression of having super powers. Then he has a near-fatal bike accident, or so he says. The neighbors are really bugging James. One of them is crazy hand has two giant clocks in her front window. And after his new electric snow shovel goes into operation, he finds that snow-blowing yellow snow leads to problems. Yet, he has a idea of what to do with it. An introvert, James likes wearing a mask. In fact, he wants to take it further. James argues that he should be first in line for a vaccine. Well, almost first. New segment: "Tweet or Delete" It's about tweet regret. James reviews his tweets to see if the passage of time has made him embarrassed about them. If so, he'll delete them on the podcast. Subscribe to our YouTube Channel. Contact us on Twitter.

James has had it with the pandemic. The solution? A no holds barred ANGRY rant about everything Covid life gave us.&nbsp; I've so had it with everything! I can't even feel like I should do a podcast! Fuck book shelves Fuck the Republican Party fuck birthday parties fuck choirs fuck spittle Fuck Pollution Fuck walmart fuck amazon fuck Halloween candy fuck sexism fuck Florida fuck my neighour fuck his Corvette fuck his boredom fuck his lawn mower fuck his lawn fuck his retirement fuck his hat he never wears hat so it must be terrible fuck apple tv plus fuck lysol wipes fuck hand sanitizer fuck hand sanitizer made by your local micro brewery fuck hair fuck my covid mop fuck my hairstylist who is a herd immunity fan fuck herds Fuck cows for burping the planet into oblivion fuck working from home fuck Hollywood for satiating me fuck the mail man where is he? Fuck the amazon delivery person fuck prime day fuck mail in voting fuck circles on the sidewalk fuck six feet fuck grocery stores. It's like a zombie escape room. Fuck doctors fuck my pharmacist fuck the person who delivers my prescription fuck bicycles fuck ebikes fuck zoom fuck skype fuck web cams fuck reporters pathetic homes fuck winter fuck bars fuck millennials fuck contact tracers fuck politicians fuck podcasters, there's more of them now fuck children who can't get sick fuck bleach fuck Americans fuck old ladies who vote based on the candidates smile. Fuck late night tv hosts fuck stephen colbert fuck the nhl fuck carboard cutouts in stands fuck bubbles fuck spiky corona virus graphics fuck saturday night live at home bless saturday night live with an audience fuck kanye west fuck mental illness fuck social distancing fuck aerosols fuck political debates fuck the us postal service fuck uber eats fuck skip the fucking dishes. Fuck food fuck my messy kitchen fuck screens that have taken over my kids fuck distance learning fuck your online passwords fuck the police. Fuck covid songs fuck all lives matter because they don't fuck tear gas fuck lies fuck fox news fuck evangelicals fuck what's her name fuck the supreme court fuck my crush on Kaitlan Collins fuck middle age fuck preexisting conditions fuck makeshift morgues fuck parties fuck cancer fuck obesity fuck walter reid fuck cloudy weather fuck smart phones fuck facebook fuck mark zuckerberg fuck twitter fuck pornography that pretends to be insest, it ruins it for the rest of us. Fuck my bladder fuck my flatulence fuck reality television fuck the pandemic fuck mourning from a distance fuck masks fuck your mask i hate your fucking mask. Fuck people who sew their own mask fuck dollar store masks fuck costco masks fuck branded masks fuck covid fuck disease fuck the same infectiousness disease experts i have watch on cable news over and over. Fuck them that they're young and hot.</s

In 2006 I was podcasting live on the moment I said goodbye to my thirties and turned 40. This is my most requested episode all these years later. Due to music rights, only part of the episode can be presented.&nbsp; Thanks for listening! Be sure to follow/subscribe for more episodes! My links Send me an online voicemail now! https://www.speakpipe.com/sneeze James on Twitter This podcast on Twitter James on TikTok My YouTube comedy channel Even more James links: https://linktr.ee/whittingham My other podcast: The Clean Energy Show Contact us [email protected] Transcript of this episode: So we have some stuff for you tonight. We have a voicemail and some email. And by we, I mean me. What's left? To me, 40 year old James is pretty much like a 90 year old. Anyone else? It's getting more difficult for me to sit up and talking to this microphone. But doing my best. It's going to be an interesting eleven minutes before I turn 40. It's a sad situation. We'll be right back. Thanks for calling Dell. What can we build for you? Well, my family needs a new computer. Great. Let's get started. What do you think you'll be using it for the most? Well, my kids are really into games and I do a little video editing. Really? A little video editing? No, not really. Not yet anyway. I actually just watch a lot of porn. Well, I'd set you up with a high performance graphics card and you might want a faster processor. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. And to feel like you're right there in the middle of it, pounding her love box. How about a high end, eleven channel surround sound speaker system? Yeah, now you're talking. And do you find that your willy just isn't as hard as it used to be? Because you've seen pretty much everything there is to see on the Internet. Yeah, exactly. Well, then I'd suggest the Compu Suck 3000 USB with stainless steel conductive, nipple clamps. A reusable fiber skin sleeve. Okay, okay. I'll tell you what. I'll even throw in a box of Kleenex. You guys are awesome. Now, let's talk about Anatle stimulator. Well, I was thinking about the 20 inch, but wait, let's step it up to a 25 rift. You got it. Great. We'll ship that out to you right away in a plain cardboard box. Just a second. Can I get a hard drive upgrade, too? Sir, this seems really inappropriate. I'm going to hang up now. Goodbye, Adele. We don't build a computer for anyone. We build it for perfect like you. Well, I thought I'd check out some celebrity birthdays on my birthday. Here. September 23. You know, there's a lot of famous people with birthdays. On my birthday. I used to say to remember a few of them. One spruce Springsteen. And people say, no, he isn't. This is not when I was a kid, this is when I was an adult. They say you don't share a birthday with Bruce Springsteen. Mine is in school, in elementary school. Occasionally it will come up that I was born and people would ask me when I was born, I said I was born in Ontario. They wouldn't believe that. In Regina. It's like, you don't look like you're born in Ontario. You're not cool. Let me tell you something. I am cool. All right? My printer is not working. I repeat, my printer is not working. If you have a million dollars in the bank and you want to send me a new laser printer that'd be great because I can barely read this. Mickey Rooney, September 23. John Coltrane, September 2326. By the way, I have a beard and as itchy as hell, and it's 11:52 P.m. And there's only eight minutes left while I'm in my 30s, so I'm going to continue eating. Ray, Charles. Born September 23, 1930. September 2349. Bruce, you are significantly older than I am. Isn't that interesting? Jason Alexander from Seinfeld. Born September 23, 1959. Conrad Dojax says happy birthday. Happy birthday, Conrad. Thank you. I have a live skype thing that says happy birthday from Conrad. I have not talked to Conrad in a long time. You may remember him from the Global Vibrant show. I think his co host, which everyone thought was hot, both her voice and her picture. I think they were an item in some way or another. If it was only an emotional relationship, I don't know. But they have separated, and Conrad has been really depressed since then. You can just tell by his ICQ things. He's trying to convey it. And it's not his ICQ, his Skype profiles. He's talking about how depressed he is and wanting to move and get jobs. Conrad, if you're listening, it's okay, man. That heart will heal one day if you don't die from some sort of hideous accident in the Netherlands. Jason Alexander. Okay, who do we have? Lisa Ray. Interesting. September 23, 1966. We have some more information on Lisa Ray. Who the hell is Lisa Ray? Who has voted the Sexiest woman? 2001 by Black Man magazine. I didn't know there was a black man magazine. It's interesting that they have a magazine. Annie DeFranco. Jan likes Annie DeFranco. I am indifferent. When was Annie born? Annie was born September 23, 1970. I was just about in kindergarten then. Can't read this. God, it's hard to read looking through the list. Not famous. Not alyssa Sutherland, 23rd, 1982. I wonder if it's any relation to Donald and the rest of the gang. That's all we got. And who else was born, according to a Wikipedia? Augusta Caesar. Maybe you've heard of them. Okay, if I have more organized. Okay. Augusta. Augusta Caesar, september 2363 BC. He died after Christ. August 19 ad. Can you believe having a lifespan that went before BC. To after Ad. Isn't that fascinating? He ruled for more than 40 years. Ladies and gentlemen, I have yet to rule a single year. Let's look back at my life. Some major milestones in my life. I've put together a dateline. James. Dateline, James. September 23, 1966. In the border town of Fort Francis, Ontario. Dreams is born one month premature to a 42 year old nurse and a 47 year old department store general manager. Dateline december 14, 1971. James attends kindergarten in the prairie city of Vagina, Saskatchewan, and has awarded the role of the wolf in our puppet show Little Red Riding Hood. Deadline october 7, 72. James has his first crush on a girl, a fixing named Jody, did his homework for him over launch hour, only to see James beaten with a yardstick later in the day when Mrs. Bikel discovered the young lady's penmanship was much neater than James's or Jaime as he was called back then. Dateline june 19, 1974 james learns he's going to have to repeat the second grade along with Debbie Longleggs, Coburn, Robin Hazel, and many others. Dateline february 7, 1979 james brother takes him to Regina's first and last disco, only to have James classmates not believe the story the next day. Dateline august 16, 1980 while going to sleep, James fondles himself for the first time but discovers it feels good. Moments later he ran screaming to the bathroom like he was bleeding from a very private area. Dateline june 15, 1981 tensions at the Whittingham poem explode. James becomes a homeless team for the rest of the summer. Date line june 28, 1985 james is pulled out of the lineup entering his high school graduation and informed by Mrs. Robalard that Jay failed him in his grade twelve English class and he would not graduate from high school. Dateline may 7, 1992 after six long but happy years, James, a high school dropout, graduates from university with a 75 average after getting kicked out twice for poor academic performance. Dateline june 17, 1993 college buddy Jack Yoga Wish asked James and his friend Kevin to appear at a local cable show for payment and free food. Dates line may 25 dan Reddick and phones James at work to inform him that he has recommended he and Kevin to the head of the Montreal Just for Last Festival for the job of hosting the 1990 season of the TV show on CBC. Dateline december 16, 1998 james puts all of his possessions on the streets in front of his brooch and festival bachelor apartment and boards a plane back to Regina to start again. Dateline february 14, 2006 james starts a comedy podcast, much to the delight of dozens of listeners, where he would later turn 40 live on the air. James, you fucking loser. This has been your life. Oh yes, the birth of your child and blah, blah, blah. Well, this is it. I'm 30. I'm in my thirty s, I say. I'm going to break down and cry. Raiding the clock. I'm 40. Oh God, my heart just sank. Pray for me. Seems like yesterday I was 30. I swear to God. I swear to God, it seemed like yesterday I was 30 years old. okay? Not for the fucking I'm 40 years old. I won't be fucking anymore, that's for sure. Coming up on the show, your letters. Some voicemails review of a new breakfast cereal that I tried this morning. I tell you, life is getting difficult. Last weekend, as you know, I was sick. A lot of people listened to that and somehow enjoyed hearing about my diarrhea. And if you haven't listened to that show yet and you don't like stories about diarrhea, don't listen to the show. I just discarded there. I'm not sure why. I apologize for this audience. I apologize for all the audio imperfections, but I am doing the show live tonight. Well, I have to live and die with what I do. So here we are. Rolling Stones also released this song 40 years ago. What are you going to do? Sue me, Mick. Fucking sue me. They're coming to Regina, actually coming to Regina. It says magical, magical weekend in October, 2 shows. In between those shows, Monica's wedding. Monica is a friend of mine. Sorry. My cat is meowing to get in and he's going to wake up. She's going to wake up. Beaten across the hall. Yeah, you're a nice kitty. Oh, you came to wish me happy birthday. Thank you. That's my cat. My cat is like a podcast listener attentive Perry. Always there with a tail. What was I talking about? Life getting difficult. I was sick last week, and before that I went to the hospital. We went to see the pediatrician. Yes, it's my birthday. We went to see the pediatrician, which was in a hospital, different hospital than where Aiden stayed at. And I had to go pee. We were realizing that our son was going to have to go to the hospital for the first time was kind of traumatic. But there was no one around. The wing all closed. It was like 05:00 and everyone had gone home. So I stopped at the bathroom, which was just down the hall from the pediatricians office. And for some reason, I had a trouble with my fly. I was at the urinal and Jan was standing outside. And I decided for the first time and only time in my life, and I can't explain why, but I dropped my pants, exposing my sweet, sweet ass, and I just peed away. And I thought, no one's going to come in. Sure enough, someone came in. And yeah, I struggled to turn off the faucet and get the pants up. I get outside and Jan tells me a woman went in. A woman stormed into the male bathroom. Of all times, this had to happen to me. I don't know why this had to happen to me, but it happened to me. All right. It was a woman who stormed, and Jane actually tried to stop her, but she couldn't. Yes, it's my birthday. You know what that is in cat years? Jesus. I know I'd be dead by now if I was a cat. Fuck. My skeleton would have turned to dust already. You're going to die too, one day. And I hope that day doesn't come soon. The way the cats are in this neighborhood, you never know. So a strange woman saw my ass. Was there no Godly reason for me to expose it in the first place, but here we are. Twelve, four minutes into my 40s. My friend Jack turned 42 and a half years ago, pretty much. He's already a quarter way through the he hasn't even blinked once in that time. I mean, the time is going to go faster and faster and faster. And even if I live to be old, death is around the corner. I won't live to be old. Voicemail, voicemail. It's time to listen to some voicemail. Voicemail, voicemail. James, you filled my voicemail box right up. James. Got to be here. Try and Skype on my wireless kind of sometimes high speed network. It's rainy and I still don't have my Igayne antennas. I ordered them from Tiger Direct and Ups has left them in Winnipeg for no apparently good reason right now. So hopefully I'll have high speed antennas this week, and my Internet will be connected at more than 44% and two little bars of strength. So you take care, have a great one and talk to you later. Bye bye. Thanks for the voicemail Scott sent to me on Skype, recorded by the free, rare program Pamela, and discovered by me today, which I was so happy to get a voicemail. Voicemail. Me, I love voicemails. Makes me have variet

After not podcasting for 100 days, James invites his friends on the show to talk it out about Covid and quarantine life. We also go deep into working at home, missing not being alone, and racism in Saskatchewan and around the world. It's a departure from my usual show but stick with me. I'll be back next week with an all-new comedy podcast episode.&nbsp;

Will snorting pepper cure Covid-19? James attempts to find out. &nbsp;