The Bible Abridged

After many generations of useless and/or unremarkable Judean kings, we finally get to Hezekiah. Hezekiah bravely stood up to the ever growing Assyrian Empire even when they threatened his people that they'd be forced to eat their own shit and drink their own piss (which is my new favorite Bible verse, by the way.)Hezekiah didn't really do much, but the Angel of Death came out of retirement and murdered 185,000 Assyrians. So Hezekiah stood victorious.

This episode covers a few of the lesser known kings of Israel and Judah and all of their notable accomplishment. Jehu killed a bunch of Ahaziah's family, including his mom, Queen Jezebel, before turning the Baal Zebub temple into a public toilet. Joash bribed the Arameans not to invade. Jehoahaz accomplished literally nothing. Jehoash shot an arrow out of a window. Only the most important stuff made it into this book!It also covers the rise of Hazael from Aram Damascus who regicided his way right into power and stayed there for what seems like forever.This also covers the end of Elisha's life, where his corpse raised a random guy from the dead... but couldn't do the same for itself.

Elisha heals a nearby General of leprosy only to have his army attack shortly there after. Elisha staves off this war for a while by making a bunch of soldiers go blind and then feeding them a succulent meal, but they eventually decide to attack again and lay siege to Samaria (which is part of Israel.)While Samaria was under siege, a donkey's head was selling for 2 pounds of silver and even pigeon shit was selling for a couple ounces of silver. At least one baby was eaten and everything was terrible. 

After King Ahab dies, his son Ahaziah takes over, falls through a hole in the floor, and also dies. Elijah dries up the Jordan River for seemingly no reason and then gets swept up to heaven in a chariot made out of fire, leaving his protege Elisha in charge of... various prophet tasks. Elisha's first  act as new prophet is to also dry up the Jordan River for no reason, purifying Jericho's water supply, and then having some bears kill 42 little kids for making fun of his bald spot.Elisha did later go on to resurrect a kid from the dead, save two kids from slavery, and save a whole village from starvation... but still. What rough start.

King Ahab's wife Jezebel starts killing all the prophets of God in favor of her pagan religions, so Elijah decides to have a contest between himself and all of the pagan prophets for whose god can set a bull on fire. Elijah wins, kills all the pagan prophets, and then runs faster than a horse.When Jezebel finds out about this, she decides to kill him. Elijah gets out of town and appoints a new prophet, Elisha, to take his place.Ahab and Jezebel keep fucking everything up and eventually Ahab dies. 

A bunch of kings came and went and Judah and Israel remained at war. Every king decided to try other gods out for size except Asa, who God rewarded with a lethal foot disease.Eventually a new guy named Elijah came around doing all kinds of weird shit like being fed by ravens, giving ladies endless flour, and doing... questionable things to raise children from the dead. 

Solomon's (exactly) 1,000 wives and concubines get him to cheat on God with other gods, even that one horrible god named Molek. This pissed God off and he decided to punish by making his empire fall apart after he died.When Rehoboam, Solomon's son, takes the reigns, he promises everyone that he's going to make their lives more miserable and their workload heavier than his father had. Surprisingly they revolted and followed a new leader named Jeroboam. Jeroboam started a new religion featuring a golden calf and took 11 of the 12 tribes under his rule.

Solomon finished his temple and then decided to outdo the house he made for God by building himself an even crazier, fancier building. Taking 13 years to build and almost doubling the size of the crazy gold temple, Solomon's palace was just ridiculous.Once his palace was finished, he let God move into his temple and then they came to an agreement: Solomon and his descendants don't cheat on God with all the other gods and God doesn't destroy their whole nation. To celebrate, Solomon slaughtered enough animals to fill an olympic sized swimming pool with blood.Word spread of his wealth and even the Queen of Sheba came all the way out from Yemen to witness how wealthy Solomon was. The fame of his wealth only produced more wealth and suddenly everything in his palace was made of gold and he was shipping in spices and baboons from Africa, lumber from Lebanon, and taking control of the whole fucking region.

David's oldest son, Adonijah, tries to take the throne upon his near death, but Nathan makes sure Solomon ends up king. The transfer of power was going smoothly until Adonijah asked Solomon if he could marry a little girl that David was sleeping alongside in his old age... yeah... weird.Solomon had his brother killed and then took to the job of being king... pretty well actually. He married Pharaoh's daughter, creating an alliance with Egypt, had God give him wisdom and infinite riches, and built a crazy fancy temple for God to live in in style all decked out in gold!

David returns to Jerusalem after Absalom's death only to have another civil war break out immediately under a guy named Sheba. Joab took quick care of this. He met peacefully with Sheba, kissed him on the lips, grabbed his beard, and then sliced his belly open, spilling his intestines everywhere.When Joab approached Sheba's city of Abel Beth Maacah, Joab told a random old lady that if they give him Sheba's head, he wouldn't burn down their city. The old lady obliged.After this David dealt with a famine by having a bunch of Saul's children and grandchildren murdered and sacrificed in a field and then he sang a song.

David (having been overthrown by his very hairy and sexy son) was staying out in the wilderness a few miles from Jerusalem. He started making friends with the locals and he, alongside his loyalists, started building an army up, just in case Absalom decided to attack. Absalom was too busy fucking all of his dad's sex slaves to notice at first, but eventually had his two advisors discuss whether he should attack now or later. He took the advice to attack later, not only giving David the chance to build an army, but also causing one of his advisors to commit suicide as well.Absalom's army approached David and David's men wiped the floor with them, with the help of the forest of Ephraim that was eating Absalom's men for dinner. Finally Absalom got his hair caught in a tree and Joab, David' General, stabbed three javelins through his heart and then had his men beat him to death as he hung there by his hair.

After Absalom's brother rapes their sister, he has him killed. David is upset about this for some reason and Absalom is banished out... like 10 miles away. David's General, Joab, convinces David to allow Absalom to return after a few years and that turns out to be a bit of mistake. Absalom, who had 5 pounds of hair and was therefore very sexy, starting gaining more and more popularity and control, eventually forcing David to flee... like 10 miles away.

When King David learned that their rival neighbors, who the Israelites had allegedly already wiped off the face of the Earth twice, the Ammonites, had lost their king, he decided to send a couple diplomats over to pay his respects. When the diplomats showed up, the Ammonite elders advised the new king that these men were most likely spies checking for any weaknesses, and they had no reason to believe otherwise. They did the only logical thing and shaved these men's beards off and cut a hole in their robe to expose their naked buttholes. This started a war.During the war, David got the hots for a woman he spied on while she was taking a bath and whose name was coincidentally Bathsheba. He did the logical thing and ordered her to the palace, ordered her to have sex with him, came inside of her, and then had her husband (who was a hero in his army currently fighting in the War of the Naked Buttholes) killed. God was so mad that he did the only logical thing. And that was to murder David and Bathsheba's baby.

As soon as General Abner died, two raider gang leaders decided to regicide Ish-Bosheth, making Israel temporarily king-less. Soon after, however, they all swore allediance to King David and poured oil all over his head. David thanked the raiders by cutting off their heads and feet and hanging their bodies up by his swimming pool.David wasted no time and started fucking and killing as much as he could. He reclaimed Jerusalem and the Ark of the Covenant,  and killed a bunch of people for no reason, as well as hamstringing a bunch of innocent horses. Then he got wasted, took off his clothes, and started dancing for the slave girls.

News comes to David that Saul and Jonathan are dead. David tears his clothes off, mourns, has the messenger killed, sings a song for them, and then returns to Hebron in Judah. Upon arrival in Judah, oil is dumped all over his head and word spreads around that Oily Dave, as they called him, was now the king.Unfortunately, Saul's old General, Abner, had declared Saul's son Ish-Bosheth to be king, starting a civil war between Israel and Judah. After a while, Ish-Bosheth pisses Abner off, Abner switches sides, and David's Commander, Joab, kills him. David was also knocking up any woman that passed by him apparently, having six kids with six different women.

David flees Saul once again, going to live near Gath with all his loyal soldiers. They raid villages and kill everyone inside from time to time, because they're the good guys in this story. Meanwhile, The Philistine armies all join forces to invade Israel. Saul finds the one medium he didn't have killed and asks her to bring Samuel's spirit up so he can get some advice. Samuel tells Saul he's going to die and so will his children. Given a long enough time line, that is the safest prediction you can make about anyone.The next day the Philistine Army attacks, David's town gets raided, and the book of Samuel comes to an end.

Saul chased David all over creation (or the land they thought was all of creation, but in reality it was like the size of Rhode Island.) When Saul finally caught up to him, the Philistines invaded. After Saul sent them packing he went and tracked David down to the Crags of the Wild Goats where he decided to go shit in a cave. David snuck up to him while he was shitting and cut part of his robe off. David then proceeded to tell him that he could have killed him, but chose not to. This made Saul back off.Then David and his men came across a rich man named Nabal, which basically means "Fool" and his sexy wife Abigail. God decided to kill Nabal because he was stupid and David decided to marry his sexy wife Abigail. Then Saul pursued David once again, David spared his life once again, and Saul went home... once again.

David continues to hide from Saul as Saul continues to hunt for him. Jonathan, not convinced his dad would be such an asshole as to kill his most loyal soldier for no reason whatsoever, agreed to go and run an experiment to see if that was actually the case. Next time he spoke to his father, he almost murdered him while flying into a blind rage over David. Jonathan was now convinced. David, fled to a nearby town called Nob and got assistance from the local priest. Saul, being the rational person he was, had this priest and his entire family and extended family ruthlessly slaughtered along with a bunch of random citizens of Nob, including their sheep and donkeys.

After David killed Goliath, Saul's son, Jonathan, fell in love with him and they may or may not have totally banged. It's not written. What is written is that for no reason whatsoever, God decided to send an evil spirit to possess Saul and make him obsessed with killing David? Why did God do this? No fucking idea.After collecting 200 dick carvings for him and marrying his daughter, Michal, David spent almost all of his time now running away from Saul and his many attempts to murder him. Finally David decided to leave Gibeah and go meet up with Samuel a few hours away. Saul tracked them down, but since David and Samuel were talking gibberish in a crowd of other people speaking gibberish, Saul decided to speak gibberish too and then take off all his clothes and writhe around on the ground naked for an uncomfortably long time.

Samuel went and found a guy named Jesse and poured olive oil all over his youngest son's head. At the same time, there was a scary Philistine who stood almost ten feet tall (if the story is to be believed, which it isn't.) David, with his new confidence and skills he'd learned fighting bears and lions, decided to go and slay this giant Philistine (whose name was Goliath.)King Saul argued at first, but was eventually convinced that David could defeat Goliath and... well I don't need to say any more. We all know this story, right?

Saul finds himself being inept at leading, mostly because he keeps pissing God off by not being super meticulous with how he kills animals and sets them on fire. This causes Israel to be conquered by the Philistines once again until Saul's son Jonathan stirs up enough trouble to liberate them again. Saul then is tasked with murdering an entire group of people called the Amalekites, but spares a few animals to set on fire to make God happy. This begins his downfall. 

Samuel and God bitch about how much the Israelites don't appreciate them or their broken system and finally decide to appoint a king. Samuel finds a sexy Benjamite named Saul, who's handsome and tall. Yes this Saul has it all. As long as all you are looking for is sexiness.Saul begins his reign as king and so far he does a pretty good job. He saved a lot of people from getting their eyes gouged out and he killed a lot of animals...

A young woman named Hannah is so desperate to have a baby that she swears that if she could just give birth, she'll give the baby right over to the priest and he can raise him. Once this baby has grown into a man (or at least boy) the corruption and incompetence of the current priest's family starts to show. Also they lost the Ark of the Covenant! Will they get it back? Give it a listen!

After the unpleasantness of the end of Judges, a famine struck Judah and a bunch of people were forced to flee. One of these ladies, Naomi, left with her husband and two sons. Her sons married women named Orpah and Ruth and... every male character died. Orpah, not wanting to wait for Naomi to pump out another boy and wait for him to grow up to be of fucking age, decided to leave to find a new husband. Ruth decided to stay with Naomi.Once the famine ended, Naomi and Ruth went back to Judah and Ruth was smitten by this man, Boaz. When Boaz did such nice things like telling his field workers not to rape her and allowing her to drink water when she was thirsty, Ruth fell in love with him and shot her best shot: laying at his feet when he was passed out drunk in a pile of grain. This impressed Boaz so much that he told Ruth, "If nobody else wants you, I'll marry you."

After Samson died, the whole region of Israel fell into complete chaos. The descendants of Dan started raiding villages and eventually took over a part of Ephraim, the Benjamites were fighting and killing for their right to rape women to death, women  were being kidnapped all over the place, and everything was just awful.That's it. That's the whole story. Things were awful.

Samson is arrested by 1,000 soldiers for his crime of murdering several dozen people. He agrees to go peacefully at first, but then God decides to fill him with a blood rage that makes him beat all 1,000 soldiers to death with a donkey's jawbone. He wanders around, fucking sex workers and killing Philistine soldier who try and arrest him, until he's finally betrayed by his new love, Delilah. Once they finally have Samson capture, they gouge his eyes out and put him to work in prison grinding grain. Samson is able to get his revenge, though! Don't you worry!

A woman has a son after years of trying and due to the advice of an angel, can never cut his hair. This young man grows up to be freakishly strong and even more emotionally unstable. After somehow getting his parent's blessing to marry a Philistine woman, Samson makes a bizarre bet based off a poem he wrote in his head after tearing a lion in half with his bare fucking hands and then eating some honey from a beehive that formed within its rotting carcass. When the Philistine wedding guest can't figure out his poem, they threaten to murder the bride and her whole family... at her wedding. What were the stakes of this bet? One outfit each. Samson's unnamed wife manipulates him, he loses the bet, and the results are about what you'd expect from a man who can tear a lion in half. After Samson murders at least 60 people, he goes an hides in a cave while the authorities seek to execute him.

After the death of Gideon we see his 70 (yes, fucking SEVENTY) sons fight for power leading to the rise of Abimelek...  and then the fall of Abimelek shortly afterwards.Following him are a few other leaders who didn't do much and then Jephthah who set his own daughter on fire to make God happy. Jephthah also heroically murdered tens of thousands of members of a local tribe called Ephraim because they talked slightly different.

This episode starts with Deborah's song, which is all about what we just went over last episode as well as saying that the victory in the last battle gave every Israelite man two sex slaves and every Israelite woman some colorful garments.40 uneventful years pass and Israel gets conquered again; this time by the Midianites, who they supposedly had already wiped off the face of the Earth in episode 29. To go against Midian, God appointed Gideon. Gideon built up an army of 32,000 people and then quickly shrunk it down to 300 people, made a bunch of noise, somehow got most of the Midianites to kill each other, then killed the remaining 15,000 somehow.After all this was done, Gideon punished everyone who didn't help him and then went and had 70 goddamn children.

After Joshua died, there wasn't a clear ruler of the nation of Israel. God appointed, or  more likely, they themselves appointed, the Tribe of Judah to lead charges into battle, but the need for war was slowing down. After cutting Adoni Bezek's thumbs and big toes off, the Israelites started to settle into their new home. Then they continuously got conquered, rose up, freed themselves and got conquered again. Notable assassinations? A guy named Ehud stabbed a king named Eglon and told his guards he was just taking a shit, this other guy Shamgar killed 600 people with a stick, and this lady Jael hammered a tent stake through General Sisera's head while he was asleep. 

Joshua heroically sweeps through several more cities, killing every single person inside (including the children) before he has a new idea; he decides to be even more cruel and starts slashing the hamstrings of the horses of the people he killed. Why did he do this? What possible reason could there be to fuck up a horse AFTER you've already killed the person it belongs to? Well, God told him to (or so he says.) Joshua eventually gets old and dies, but not before he personally murdered 31 different kings of the region and taken their land. 

After Jericho, Joshua set his sights on the nearby city of Ai. But since one of his soldiers at Jericho kept a few things for himself, God decided to punish the OTHER soldiers who were invading Ai, resulting in all 3,000 of them dying. After this man was exposed, stoned to death, and set on fire, Joshua re-did the invasion of Ai, with over 10 times the amount of troops as the first run. They killed every man, woman, and child and made the king watch his city burned while being skewered like a rotisserie chicken.When other cities heard about this. they decided to team up and defeat the Israelite army once and for all. Resulting in all of them dying as well.  As they tried to flee the battlefield, God killed a large chunk of them with hail. Then Joshua commanded the sun and moon to stop moving so he would have me time to kill the retreating army. The five kings who had united were found hiding in a nearby cave. Joshua publicly humiliated them before killing them and hanging their naked bodies up for everyone to see. 

Joshua sends a couple of spies across the Jordan to investigate the city of Jericho. The city that had the tallest skyscraper of its time at a whopping 28 feet tall.  They spent all their time with a cool sex worker named Rahab and she kept them safe from the city guards in exchange for them sparing her and her whole family as they slaughter the rest of the city. When the spies returned, they decided Jericho was ripe for the picking and Joshua went and dried up the Jordan River so they could cross over and conquer it. When they arrive, they found the city had locked their doors and Joshua had to find a new way inside. Luckily, the walls weren't that strong, as the simple act of shouting really loud along with some trumpets was able to knock the walls down. As promised, they kept Rahab and her family safe. Every other man, woman, or child inside was ruthlessly slaughtered.

Moses was racing against time here to get all of his rules written down before he dies so there really isn't a lot of logic here in how they come out. But they do clarify on a few things, like what to do if your wife grabs the dick of another man to protect you while you're in a fight (you cut her hand off.) They also tell you what to do if you rape someone who hasn't been pledged to be married by her father (pay him 50 shekels and marry the girl you raped.) Moses was an asshole. 

Moses is on his way out, after 40 years of wandering around the desert. So he starts making sure people remember the stuff he's been saying over the last 40 years (the stuff that's already written in other books and we've already gone over.)He also reminds us that, "If anyone decides they want to worship another god, or even something tangible, like the moon? Kill them. Unless they're your son or daughter or ... wait, no... still kill them. If anyone shows contempt of the courts? Kill them. If a child disrespects their parents? Kill them. Any cities you come across that won't agree to be your slaves? Kill the men and keep them women and girls as sex slaves. Any towns in Israel decide to switch religions? Kill every single person in the town, burn all their stuff, and never build anything there ever again."

Deuteronomy picks up in year 40 of wandering around in the desert. Last episode we left them around year two or three... so there's a bit of a gap there. Moses tries to fill it in, but it's mostly just a lot of wandering, killing, enslaving, and not much else.In this episode we're right on the shores of the Jordan River and everyone here is just waiting for Moses to die so they can go inside. Moses is rambling on about how shitty every Israelite is and how God wants to kill all of them six times from Sunday, but they're still alive because of him. 

This episode starts off with Balaam refusing to curse the soon to be invading Israelite army because he just happens to have the same god as them ... somehow. It doesn't end well for him in that he's actually murdered by said invading Israelite army.Why did the Israelite army attack in the first place, other than that just being their MO back then? Well some Israelite man had the gall to fuck a Midianite woman INSIDE HIS OWN HOME! Now luckily, a priest had the quick thinking to kill both of them while they were fucking, so God only murdered 24,000 Israelites instead of more of them. After all of this, they decided they needed to slaughter every Midianite woman, man, and boy, as well as burn down all of their houses. What happened to the girls, you ask? They kept them for sex slaves... well most of them... A few of them they sacrificed to God alongside a few hundred animals. Fun stuff!

As they approach the promised land, Moses fucks up by doing something slightly differently than God told him to, then God sends snakes to poison people for complaining before giving Moses a weird fucking solution for the problem. The the Israelites wipe out a few cities and slaughter every man, woman, and child within. And finally, we have a talking donkey!

Under the advice of either Jethro or God, Moses decided to count all the Israelites... well not the women... or the Levites... so SOME of the Israelites.After counting them, Moses comes up with a fool proof way to cause adulterous women to miscarry and then sends spies to the Promised Land in hopes of invading. The spies say the invasion isn't a good idea because the residents are gigantic and their cities are well fortified. God gets angry at this, so he kills almost all the spies and then forces the Israelite army to lose the battle... therefore fulfilling the spies' prediction.

Moses lays down the rules for anyone with damaged testicles, pus leaking infected wounds, hunchbacks, deaf people, blind people, and any other people with any kind of "defect"... they're not allowed anywhere near anything being offered to God or anywhere God likes to hang out. Because they disgust God... even though he's the one who made them that way.They also tell you when you need to set your daughter on fire, at what point God will make you eat your fucking children, and when to throw rocks at people until they die!

While wandering around aimlessly in the desert, Moses suddenly got really angry about how people were fucking and decided to put an end to it.He suddenly decided that among a lot of other things, incest was no longer allowed, nor was male-on-male fucking, nor was sacrificing your grandchildren to this other god named Malek or Moloch.He also decided that the penalty for most of these crimes should be that people just throw rocks at you until you die. So... murder was back on the table! 

Moses keeps on cranking out the rules. Some are good logical rules, like, "Don't eat rotting flesh you find in the wildness." Some are super sexist, like, "If you give birth to a girl, you're unclean twice as long as if you give birth to a boy" & "After your period ends, you have to murder a pigeon to atone for the sin of having your period." Some of them are just plain wacky, like, "After your rash goes away, shave all the hair off your body and sleep outside for a week. Then kill a few animals."

This episode is the first part of Leviticus! Unfortunately, the majority of Leviticus is jut super pedantic rules listed over and over and over, but luckily there's some thrilling stories in here! Like the time God killed Aaron's two oldest sons for no reason and Moses wouldn't allow Aaron's family to mourn them! Or the time Moses started a fire and it burned an animal! Exciting stuff!

While Moses is up on the mountain talking to an increasingly insane God, the Israelites decide that they've been abandoned and decide to create a new, chiller god to worship. Aaron takes all of their golden earrings and, through the skills he apparently had as a gold smith, created a pure gold statue of a calf. The Israelites enjoyed this new God who didn't give them rules or kill them for no reason and decided to have a free for all feast and fuck fest to celebrate.What happened next? Well, you'll have to give it a listen! But you know how God and Moses feel about fun...This also closes out the book of Exodus.

God couldn't seem to stop giving commandments and starting making all kinds of rules about when it's okay to kill someone (quite often, as it turns out), when you need to make a human sacrifice to him (yep! It's in there!), and what happens when you dig a hole and a donkey falls in that hole. Relevant stuff.He also commissions a couple fancy things built for himself, one being the gold plated Ark of the Covenant and the other being the fabulous Tabernacle. A couple of tall orders for a bunch of just recently freed slaves...

After they wander in the desert for a while, they come across Mount Sinai and decide to make camp at the base of the mountain. God, being a physical being apparently, decided to camp out on the top of the mountain... but only Moses was allowed to visit him. While up here, God gave Moses ten commandments for everyone to follow... and then he gave him a bunch more.

As all the Israelites celebrated the drowning of thousands and thousands of soldiers, whose corpses were washing up on the shores, Moses and his sister Miriam wrote a hit song. And then things took a turn for the worse. Anyone with Google, could see that the journey from the eastern shores of the Red Sea to Israel, would take maybe 200 hours at most, turned into a much longer journey. They would go days without food or water and start mentioning to their leader that they need food and water to survive and he would get angry at them because he wasn't a very good leader.Luckily, God gave them some mystery food that came with conditions, as everything does with him, and Moses would hit rocks with his stick... which somehow produced water.This episode ends with Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, coming out and giving Moses advice on having a multi-tiered court system.

After God murdered every first born male in Egypt, Pharaoh decided he had had enough. He summoned Moses and Aaron and told them to get the fuck out of Egypt. Moses quickly went and dug up Joseph's bones for some reason and led the 600,000 men and unspecified amount of women and children out of Egypt.On the way out, he gave them more rules to follow along with giving them the go ahead to totally have slaves of their own. They followed a pillar of cloud in the day and a pillar of fire at night until they got to the shores of the Red Sea.At this time, God decided to go and fuck with free will again, hardening Pharaoh and his top officials' hearts until they forgot all the horrible things that had just happened and decided to go bring the Israelites back by force. He loaded up his best chariots and all of his foot soldiers and raided the Israelite Camp on the shores of the Red Sea.God came down and blew out of his nostril, apparently, a wind that was so strong it created a path through the Red Sea, which is 200 miles across and 1,500 feet deep. The million+ Israelites walked across the sea floor with walls of water the height of the Willis Tower on either side of them. They walked the full 200 miles across.The Egyptian military decided to follow them, but God started making their chariots get stuck in the sea floor... or gravity did that... whatever. So the Egyptians tried to retreat. As soon as the last Israelite was out of the sea tunnel, God let it close, drowning the entire military of Egypt in the process.

After God continued to fuck with freewill by making Pharaoh unable to care, not only for the Hebrews who wanted to be free, but also his own people, God continued to punish him with more plagues.First came boils, then hail, then locusts, then darkness, until finally he decided to straight up murder every first born son in Egypt. The Hebrews who wanted to avoid losing their first born sons had to do a crazy ritual involving slaughtering a lamb and spreading its blood on the doorframe. 

Moses and Aaron bring out the big guns on Pharaoh while making their demands. Aaron turns his staff into a snake. Moses turns all the water in Egypt into blood, plagues the land with frogs, gnats, and flies, and then kills all the Egyptian livestock.