The Place We Find Ourselves

Today's focus is how to engage with, love, and honor a wicked person. Direct confrontation is not going to work. You need to be cunning, shrewd, and strategically disruptive. Think "surprise attacks of disruptive kindness" rather than direct confrontation. Dan Allender and Tremper Longman point out that the key to loving a wicked person is "insightful preparation, clear boundaries, and courageous consequences." Today we focus on insightful preparation.  Support the podcast

What does it mean to honor your father/mother when they have harmed you? What does it mean to love someone who has harmed you? Today's episode looks at these two questions. Love always disrupts the status quo. In other words, when you engage with someone in a loving way, your relationship with them will change. They will either harden or soften toward you—but the current state of the relationship will be no more. This is the beginning of what the Bible calls reconciliation. Loving and honoring a person who has harmed you creates the possibility for reconciliation to occur. Support the podcast

This is part 2 of a series of episodes focused on how to interact with someone who has harmed you. Today's episode identifies two additional attributes of wicked people—namely scapegoating and intellectual deviousness. If you confront a wicked person about their sin or failure—instead of examining their heart and feeling sorrow and guilt for how they have hurt you—a wicked person will somehow shift the blame onto your failure and your sin. This is scapegoating. Intellectual deviousness refers to the ways wicked people use words to twist truth, avoid guilt, and fill you with self-doubt.  Support the podcast

Suppose you have come to realize some of the ways that your parents have harmed you over the years. What are you supposed to do now? How do you engage with a parent now that you've come to realize some of the ways they harmed you? This is the first of a four part series of episodes focused on how to engage with someone who has hurt you. Today's episode emphasizes the necessity of identifying the kind of person you will be engaging. Is the person a normal, everyday sinner? Or is the person wicked/evil? Support the podcast

Dan Allender is the reason this podcast exists. His teaching forms the foundation of nearly every episode. Dan joins me today to talk about how to engage your story and how to engage your suffering. In many ways, this is a conversation about how Dan has experienced God in the midst of his own story. Dan also talks about his forthcoming book (with Cathy Loerzel) titled Redeeming Heartache: How Past Suffering Reveals Our True Calling. Support the podcast

Jen Oyama Murphy and I reflect on the U Diagram of healing. The human heart heals by engaging one's story. But how does cultural background factor into effective story engagement? Whether you are a person of color who is engaging your own story, or you are someone who works with people of color, Jen shares some important categories for you to consider.  Support the podcast

Jen Oyama Murphy shares a story she wrote for The Allender Center called "My Eyes." Evil often assaults us through the cursing of others. When a part of our body is cursed—especially during our growing up years—we tend to turn on ourselves. Wars with shame and self-contempt begin. In today's episode, Jen reflects on her experience of racial trauma directed at her eyes and how she has begun to heal.  Support the podcast

This is a bonus episode on spiritual abuse. Rachael Clinton Chen provides an overview of the marks of spiritual abuse. She will be teaching a conference on spiritual abuse on Saturday, June 5. You can sign up here.  Support the podcast

Friend and fellow therapist Cyndi Mesmer comes back on the podcast to share one of her stories. It's a story of the exploitation of innocence and the violation of trust. We talk about Cyndi's trauma response, how she has experienced healing, and how her posture toward the girl in the story has changed as she has continued to engage her story. To find out more about Cyndi's counseling practice, visit artoflivingcounseling.com. Support the podcast

Cathy Loerzel joins me to talk about how to engage your family of origin story in a way that brings healing to your brain. We examine three byproducts of trauma (fragmentation, dissociation, and isolation), the importance of naming the intentionality of those who harmed you, the role you played in your family, and the U Diagram of healing. Cathy and I will be co-teaching the Engaging Your Story Conference on Saturday, June 12. You can register here. Support the podcast

Today's episode begins with an explanation of attachment: what it is and why it's so important. After recapping The Still Face Experiment, I talk about the two primary types of insecure attachment: avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment. I then outline how your attachment style may affect your relationship with God. In other words, how might someone with an avoidant attachment style experience their relationship with God? And what about someone with an ambivalent attachment style? Support the podcast

Abuse often involves intensity. Whether it's sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse—the nature of abuse is that there is an intensity between the two people involved. When a parent abuses a child, the intensity at play serves to bind their hearts together. Today, Victoria shares a trauma story that illustrates how her heart was bound to her abuser… and how she has come to be released and find new levels of freedom. Victoria also talks about how she has come to bless her longing—as a child and as an adult—for her father's gaze… even though the price of that gaze was abuse. Support the podcast

Here's the bottom line with parenting: the past isn't dead; it's not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it's like to lose it with their children. But what's actually happening neurobiologically? What do you do when you realize that you've harmed your children? To financially support the podcast, please click here. Support the podcast

Here's the bottom line with parenting: the past isn't dead; it's not even past. Your past experiences in life are profoundly influencing how you interact with, and parent, your children. Every parent knows what it's like to lose it with their children. But what's actually happening neurobiologically? What do you do when you realize that you've harmed your children? Support the podcast

Last year John Eldredge wrote an important book called Get Your Life Back. In today's episode, John and I talk about my favorite parts of his book. In short, we talk about simple everyday practices that will help you get your life back. Why is this important? Because the pace of modern American life—even in the midst of Covid—often borders on madness. It doesn't feel like madness for many of us because we've lived life at this pace for so long. The pace feels normal. But the human heart was not designed to operate at 5,000 rpm's all the time; it wasn't designed to carry the weight that most of us carry. Support the podcast

One of the things that prevents people from engaging the ways they have been harmed is the simple objection, "Who am I to judge my parents?" The premise of the objection is simply, "It's wrong for me to judge my parents. That's God's job, not my job." In today's episode, I take a look at what the Bible says about judging other people.   Support the podcast

Many people look back on their growing up years and simply don't remember very much. In today's episode I offer some suggestions on what to do when you are having a difficult time remembering your stories. If you want a summary of today's episode, you can go to adamyoungcounseling.com and get a free resource called "What If I Don't Remember Much Of My Childhood?" This document also outlines several written exercises you can do to help you remember your stories.  Support the podcast

What is actually happening when two people interact—whether that's two spouses, a therapist and a client, or two friends? What is actually happening in the brains of the two people who are interacting? Primarily, nonverbal messages are being communicated from one person's right brain to the other person's right brain. This has profound implications for why interpersonal interactions can be so fraught.  Support the podcast

I am joined today by Susan Cunningham, a California-based counselor, life and soul coach and spiritual director. Sue shares one of the most formative stories of her life. It's a story about a first grade girl who decided to use her voice. Your voice is one of the parts of you that is most frequently targeted by Evil. If you have a history of trauma, it's likely that you struggle with using your voice. Support the podcast

I am joined today by Heather Stringer, a therapist with The Counseling Collaborative. Not only does Heather take the body seriously when it comes to engaging trauma, she is also very skilled in designing rituals that facilitate healing. Today we talk about both our physical bodies and the importance of rituals. Support the podcast

This is part 2 of my interview with Jenny McGrath about the importance of paying attention to the sensations in our physical bodies when it comes to healing from trauma. Some of the ground we cover includes what can be done when you can't feel the sensations in your body. We also talk about doing body work to heal the trauma stored in your body. When it comes to healing, paying attention to your body and working with your body is extremely important.  Support the podcast

I'm joined today by Jenny McGrath, a therapist in Seattle who focuses on how trauma is stored in the body and how the body must be engaged in the healing of trauma. Jenny talks about how and why she began to take the body more seriously when it comes to healing. Topics covered include why our body has a fight, flight, freeze response and how to work with our nervous system to facilitate healing. Support the podcast

What would it look like to begin writing—and praying—your own psalms? When we are feeling big feelings, it can be very healing to put words to those feelings and then to pour the feelings out in prayer. By writing and praying your own psalms, you can facilitate integration in your brain and liberation of your heart. I've developed a guide entitled How to Write Your Own Psalm which you can access from my website.  Support the podcast

This is an emotional time. We are all having big feelings. And when we are having big feelings, the place we need to find ourselves is… in the Psalms. Today I hope to open up the power of the book of Psalms for a moment such as this. And by the end of the episode, my invitation to you will be, "What would it look like to begin writing your own Psalms and then praying the Psalms you write?" Support the podcast

I am joined today by KJ Ramsey. KJ has written an important book about suffering called This Too Shall Last. Sometimes suffering lasts… and where is God in this? How are we to live when the place we find ourselves is one of lingering suffering? KJ invites us to allow our emotions to become a compass, leading us to a God who is present… even in suffering.

Season 3 concludes with the final episode on Warfare. I am joined again by Cathy Loerzel to talk about soul ties—what they are and how they are formed. We also address how to break curses, agreements, vows, and soul ties. 

I am joined by Cathy Loerzel to talk about curses, agreements, and vows—what they are, how they come to be, and where to find them in our stories. Cathy articulates the difference between a curse, an agreement, and a vow. She also explains how it is the design of evil for a curse to lead to an agreement, which then leads to a vow. Support the podcast

If you have experienced trauma, you likely have difficulty with the whole category of kindness… either receiving kindness from others or being kind to yourself, or likely both. When you are not doing well, what is your posture toward yourself? Are you willing to bring kindness, care, and comfort to your suffering heart and body? And, if not, why not?  Support the podcast

Many people are unaware that they have a history of trauma. Trauma has a tendency to hide. But the symptoms don't lie. If you have the symptoms of trauma, it is highly likely that you have a history of trauma—whether you can locate that trauma in your story or not. Today we will look at the symptoms of trauma, as well as address the questions, "What exactly is trauma? What makes something traumatic?" Support the podcast

Trauma impairs integration in the brain. When you experience trauma, the neural circuits in various regions of your brain do not make enough connections with one another. Here's the good news: there is something you can do to promote integration in your brain. In the book Aware, Dan Siegel shares a mindfulness practice that he developed called The Wheel of Awareness. The Wheel of Awareness helps people to integrate the various regions of their brain. And integration leads to emotional stability, which is to say affect regulation. Support the podcast

The title of this episode comes from a book by C.S. Lewis called The Screwtape Letters. The Screwtape Letters is a collection of letters written from a senior demon, named Screwtape, to his nephew Wormwood (a lower ranking demon). Screwtape's goal is to advise Wormwood about tactics and strategies for tormenting humans. Today's episode is my attempt to continue in the vein of Lewis by writing six additional letters.  Support the podcast

Triangulation occurs when Mom or Dad becomes emotionally closer to one of the children than to their spouse. Patria and I discuss the fallout of triangulation in the life of the family and the life of the "special" child. The triangulated daughter often becomes hyper-attuned to Dad, and is setup to be envied by Mom and her (unchosen) siblings. It's a devastating dynamic that does immense damage to the heart of the triangulated child. Support the podcast  

Becky Allender and I talk about her book Hidden In Plain Sight, which is a collection of stories designed to invite the reader to engage his or her own story in more depth. Becky shares how her relationship with her Mom led to a style of relating in which she became committed to "staying out of the way and becoming invisible." Becky goes on to talk about the importance of experiencing "sorrow in the care of wise guides" as we engage our story.  Support the podcast

I interview Sam Williamson, author of Hearing God In Conversation. Conversation is possible... even with God. Sam and I talk about what gets in the way of hearing from God, why we tend to have low expectations about hearing from God, and how to begin to learn to hear in our ordinary day to day life. If you enjoy this episode, you might want to go back and listen to Episode 38 — The Process of Learning to Hear from God.  Support the podcast

This is Part 2 of the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality in light of your story. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing.  Support the podcast

This is the episode about sexuality, lust, fantasy… and your story. Are you curious about how your story can help you understand your current sexual struggles? Jay Stringer presents a surprising—and deeply refreshing—approach to understanding your sexuality in light of your story. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing. Support the podcast

I'm joined today by my friend and fellow therapist Sam Jolman to talk about the fact that we have been made to need more than God. We have been created to need other people. Deeply. However, our need for others can make us feel weak or "too needy." How are we to navigate this?

In a previous episode, we looked at how we can make agreements with evil that bind us. Today I talk about how to break those agreements. I also share some thoughts about how to resist evil by addressing evil spirits that may be assaulting you. Jesus has given us the weaponry to be successful in warfare. Your words and your will are your weapons. Support the podcast

In Warfare Part 5, we look at how to wage war against the kingdom of darkness. Warfare move #1 is to pay attention to your life and question the voices, particularly the voices of accusation that you hear throughout your day. The first tactic in waging war is paying attention to what you are hearing and then determining the source of that voice. You can discern the source of the voice with a simple question: what is its tone and tenor?  Support the podcast

When it comes to resisting the assaults of evil against your heart, the starting place is stepping into the authority that is yours. Jesus Christ has set you up to succeed in warfare with evil. However, it's essential to get clear about the authority that Jesus has delegated to you. This entire podcast began with the claim that "you have a story and that story matters." The corollary today is "you have authority and that authority matters." Are you aware of your authority? Support the podcast

We are in the middle of a series of episodes on warfare. Last time we talked about making agreements with evil… and how those agreements bind us. Today we are going to take a break from the series to hear Susan's story. Part of my interview with Susan includes a discussion about an agreement she made. I wanted to make the previous episode practical by sharing a specific example of someone who made an agreement in a moment of heartache. Support the podcast

We live in a world in which the kingdom of darkness wars against our hearts. Today we look at the second main tactic of evil—namely, to deceive you to make agreements with it. But what are "agreements with evil" and how are they made? We'll explore both of those questions in depth.  Support the podcast

In Warfare Part 1, we looked at the fact that The Place We Find Ourselves is living in the midst of a world at war. Today, in Part 2, we look at how, specifically, the kingdom of darkness wages war against your heart. What are evil's goals, strategies, tactics? The kingdom of darkness primarily uses two simple tactics: deception and accusation. Today we focus on accusation. 

We live in a world at war. It's a war between light and darkness, between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Evil. This is the place we find ourselves. In the episodes to follow we'll look at how evil operates and how to fight back to win the war for your heart and the hearts of those you love. Support the podcast

Today's episode focuses on how attachment styles play out in close relationships. I am joined by Rachel Blackston, who is a therapist in Orlando, Florida. Rachel begins today's conversation by reading an essay about love and war in her marriage. It's a beautiful and vulnerable piece that gives you a window into how insecure attachment plays out in a real-life marriage. I'm deeply grateful to Rachel for her willingness to dive head first into this very difficult and important arena. You can read more about Rachel at rachelblackston.com. Support the podcast

I am joined today by Scott Gibson who is a therapist in the Chicago area. Scott graciously shares a story about himself as an 11 year old boy. It's a story about desire, about devastation, and especially about attachment. If you resonate with Scott's words today, you might want to go back and listen to Episode 14 in which Scott talks more about his own story, particularly with regard to engaging the harm of sexual abuse. Support the podcast

For most of my Christian life, I didn't know it was possible to hear from God. I was taught that God stopped talking after the Bible. I simply didn't know that God talked to his children on a regular basis. And so I didn't take time to listen. Not because I didn't want to hear from God—there was nothing I wanted more. I just didn't know it was possible to hear from God. In 2015 this all changed for me. I began to learn how to hear from God. Today's episode is about the process of learning how to hear from God.  Support the podcast

If your parents did not have a healthy marriage—a deep emotional connection—then it is likely that either you or your sibling has experienced some measure of subtle sexual abuse. Subtle sexual abuse wreaks havoc in your heart… but because of its subtlety, you can live your whole life without knowing what's plaguing you. Today we talk about what subtle sexual abuse is and how it can affect you. Support the podcast

This is really two episodes in one. In the first half we talk about sexual abuse that doesn't involve physical touch, also known as subtle sexual abuse or covert sexual abuse. In the second half, Sandy graciously reads a story from when she was in kindergarten. And as we reflect on Sandy's story, we see how a single story can affect your brain for decades. As Sandy puts it, "I don't think I was ever the same after that day." Support the podcast

How do you know if you're in a relationship with a narcissist? What might that relationship feel like? In today's episode, I talk with Chuck DeGroat about the dynamics of narcissism. Chuck is a seminary professor and a therapist who has a book coming out about what happens "when narcissism comes to church." Support the podcast