The Chosson and Kallah Shmooze You WISH You Had but NEVER got!

In this series we will discuss the Jewish ideas about marriage, sexual pleasure, abstention, modesty, marriage communication, sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, anorgasmia, painful intercourse, desire disparities, sexual addictions, sexual trauma and how to treat them and understand them from a Torah and psychological perspective.

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL discusses the way in which conscious and unconscious operate and how therapy works (or not)

A discussion regarding the technique of Urge Surfing and Hashkafa

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Moed Kattan For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Megillah For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Megillah For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Taanis For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Many of us have read the shocking revelation about a beloved, famous Jewish children's author who has been accused of sexual molestation. How do we cope with the trauma?

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Rosh Hashanah For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology Insights on the Daf Yomi Gemara Rosh Hashanah For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

In this series we will discuss the Jewish ideas about marriage, sexual pleasure, abstention, modesty, marriage communication, sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, anorgasmia, painful intercourse, low sexual desire disparities, sexual addictions, sexual trauma and how to treat them and understand them from a Torah and psychological perspective.

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

Psychology and the Daf Yomi For Mareh Mekomos check out my blog, “Faith Without Fear”: https://nefesh.org/blogs/SimchaFeuerman

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below Lomdus vs. Reality רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן אָמַר כִּי דַּיָּינֵי דְקֵיסָרִי, וְאָמְרִי לַהּ כְּרַבָּנַן דְקֵיסָרִי, דְּאָמְרִי: עִיגּוּלָא מִגּוֹ רִיבּוּעָא — רִיבְעָא, רִיבּוּעָא מִגּוֹ עִיגּוּלָא — פַּלְגָא. The Gemara answers: Rabbi Yoḥanan spoke in accordance with the opinion of the judges of Caesarea, and some say in accordance with the opinion of the Sages of Caesarea, who say: A circle that is circumscribed within a square is smaller than it by one quarter; with regard to a square that is circumscribed within a circle, the difference between them is equal to half the square. According to this explanation, Rabbi Yoḥanan calculated as follows: Since a square of four by four handbreadths has a perimeter of sixteen handbreadths, the circumference of the circle that encompasses it must be fifty percent larger, or twenty-four handbreadths. How could the sages of Cesearea made such an obvious mathematical blunder that one can readily see With their own eyes? It is clear that the diagonal of a square is not double the side . Tosafos explains that the sages of Cesearea are referring to the area, not the perimeter, and that in this case the calculation is relatively accurate. Just as in our mathematics the perimeter of a circle is two times pi, while the area is two times pi squared. In biblical and Talmudic math they did not use pi which is 3.14..,. Instead they just approximated as three. However, what that does mean is that according to Tosafos, Rabbi Yochanan did make a mathematical error in following the teachings blindly without checking the calculations in real life. Because had Rabbi Yochanan stepped out of his studies and actually drew a circle and a square he would’ve seen immediately that he misheard or misinterpreted the sages of Cesearea. Had Tosafos not said this we would not be allowed to say this. This is fascinating because it speaks of a certain kind of scholarly mode. Sometimes, you could be so involved in the details and the lomdus that you miss out on real life implications and practicalities. This reminds me a bit of how certain rabbinical authorities have dealt with real life problems trying to use lomdus. For example, during the early years of growing awareness of sex abuse within the community, perpetrators were able to escape major consequences by dint of the fact that the rabbonim in various batei din were following there lomdishe kup and not real life. Below are at least four lomdishe errors that contributed to cover ups, which today, after having paid a heavy price, the thinking has re-oriented itself. We cannot trust the testimony of a young child. The person admits that he’s sorry and repented, therefore we must accept him and it is considered l’shon hora to bring it up anymore nor tell his future employer. It wasn’t actual penetration so it is a “mild” crime, halakhically speaking. It is mesira to give information to the secular authorities that might lead to this person‘s arrest and incarceration. Now all of these halakhos are technically true but in a practical sense inapplicable due to the realities of the situation, such as: Many perpetrators need treatment and repentance alone will not change their behavior. In fact, some perpetrators may not even be able to control their urges no matter how sincerely they want to or try to. Certainly, those are committed sexual acts with minors should never work with minors again. Even though technically one cannot trust the testimony of minors, the potential severe and communal dangers call for extra legal actions and considerations. Consider the following metaphor: if a young trial “testified“ that someone threw cyanide into a factory production of baby formula, no Rabbi or Beis Din would rule that the testimony is in admissible in a practical sense because the danger is too great to ignore. The amount of trauma suffered has little to do with the extent of actual violation of Jewish law, therefore the analogy about non-penetration is irrelevant. It is kind of like saying that since we hold in lomdus that the majority nullifies the minority I can drink from the cup of someone who just had Covid as long as I add a majority of fresh liquid. Clearly, the medical realities do not care much about the halakha. In fact, this kind of application of Lomdus to real world situations, probably explains some of the magical thinking that is employed in regard to coronavirus. it is worthwhile to keep in mind Rav Kook’s words in Shemonah Kevatzim 1:463, (translation mine): “The folk who live according to their instincts, and are not learned, are actually superior in many respects to the learned folk. In particular, their instinctive common sense decency and morality was not corrupted by the intricate, wearying and too-clever burdens of scholarship

The Daf Yomi from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below אָמַר רַב בְּרוֹנָא אָמַר רַב: כׇּל הַיָּשֵׁן בְּקִילְעָא שֶׁאִישׁ וְאִשְׁתּוֹ שְׁרוּיִין בָּהּ, — עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״נְשֵׁי עַמִּי תְּגָרְשׁוּן מִבֵּית תַּעֲנוּגֶיהָ״. With regard to the neglect of the commandment of procreation, Rav Beruna said that Rav said: Whoever sleeps in a chamber in which a husband and wife are resting, thus thwarting their intimacy, the verse says about him: “The women of my people you cast out from their pleasant houses” (Micah 2:9), and his punishment is detailed in that chapter. וְאָמַר רַב יוֹסֵף: אֲפִילּוּ בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה. And Rav Yosef said: This applies not only to a woman who is ritually pure and permitted to her husband, but even in the case of a man whose wife is menstruating, for even then, although she is prohibited to him, they are more comfortable being alone together. רָבָא אָמַר: אִם אִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה הִיא — תָּבֹא עָלָיו בְּרָכָה. וְלָא הִיא, דְּעַד הָאִידָּנָא מַאן נַטְרֵיהּ? Rava said: If his wife is menstruating, may a blessing come upon the person sleeping in the room, for he protects the couple from the possibility of sin. The Gemara rejects this: But that is not so, i.e., this argument is invalid, for who protected the husband until now? In other words, there is no need for concern in this case, and hence one must refrain from behavior that causes distress to the couple. From here we see an important principle of allowing not just physical intimacy but respecting emotional intimacy and privacy between husband and wife and not interfering. This is something that parents in law and hosts should keep in mind when inviting couples and families for Shabbos and Yamim Tovim. Chiddushei Aggados אפילו באשתו נדה כו'. דליכא ביה משום שבושין לשמש מטתו אפי' בעת שינתו דחוששין שמא הוא נעור מ"מ בושין ממנו לדבר דברים שבצנעה בינו לבינה וכ"פ רבי יהונתן ע"ש: Arukh Hashulkhan Even Haezer 25:5 אמרו חז"ל [עירובין ס"ג.] כל הישן בחדר שאיש ואשתו שרוים שם עליו הכתוב אומר "נְשֵׁי עַמִּי תְּגָרְשׁוּן מִבֵּית תַּעֲנֻגֶיהָ" (מיכה ב ט) כי הם בושין מפניו לבעול, ואפילו כשהיא נדה אין לו לישן שם דמונע אותם מלדבר דברי סתר, ולא יאמר אשמרם כדי שלא יבואו לידי עבירה, דעד האידנא מי שמרם. והפוסקים השמיטו זה ולא ידעתי למה. Arukh Hashulkhan Orach Chayyim 240:3 ואסור לישן בחדר שאיש ואשתו ישינים שם, ולא עוד אלא אפילו היא נדה מכל מקום לא יישן אחר שם (עירובין ס"ג:), כי יש לה תענוג כשהיא בחדר אחד עם בעלה ומדברת ושואלת ממנו כל מה שתרצה, אבל כשיש אחר שם היא בושה ממנו, ועליהן אמר הנביא: "נשי עמי תגרשון מבית תענוגיה Tosafos Yevamos 62b חייב אדם לפקוד את אשתו - אומר ר"ת דפקידה זו אינו תשמיש אלא כשהוא רוצה לצאת בדרך אם הוא רחוק ממנה לא יצא לדרך אא"כ ישוב אליה ויפקדנה או בתשמיש או בשאר דברים וידבר על לבה

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below In this section we will discuss and an unusual custom that, according to some, was enacted in order to forestall wedding night trauma. Imagine if one year the Moschiach came and Elijah the prophet announced that this year the Mitzvah on Seder night is to have a Ham on Rye. Even the most devout believer would probably choke while trying to perform the Mitzvah. This is what wedding night trauma is for some couples who have spent their whole life feeling the sexuality is Forbidden and suddenly it is an obligation to perform. This experience can lead to years of trauma and dysfunction such as painful intercourse and impotence. רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: נְשׂוּאוֹת — יִתְאָרְסוּ. Rabbi Yehuda says: A woman who had been married when she became widowed or divorced may be betrothed immediately, as couples do not have relations during the period of their betrothal. However, she may not marry until three months have passed, in order to differentiate between any possible offspring from the first and second husband. וַאֲרוּסוֹת — יִנָּשְׂאוּ, חוּץ מֵאֲרוּסָה שֶׁבִּיהוּדָה, מִפְּנֵי שֶׁלִּבּוֹ גַּס בָּהּ. A woman who had only been betrothed when she became widowed or divorced may be married immediately, as it may be assumed that the couple did not have relations during the period of their betrothal. This is except for a betrothed woman in Judea, because there the bridegroom’s heart is bold, as it was customary for couples to be alone together during the period of betrothal, and consequently there is a suspicion that they might have had relations, in which case she might be carrying his child. However, no similar concern applies in other places. כתובות יב, א מתני׳ האוכל אצל חמיו ביהודה שלא בעדים אינו יכול לטעון טענת בתולים מפני שמתייחד עמה: MISHNA: A man who eats at the house of his father-in-law in Judea after betrothal and with-out witnesses to attest to the fact that he was not alone with his betrothed is unable to make a claim concerning virginity after marriage because in accordance with the custom in Judea, the assumption is that he secluded himself with her, and the concern is that it was he who engaged in intercourse with her. שיטה מקובצת כתובות שם מתניתין האוכל אצל חמיו כו'. מפני שמתייחד עמה. כלומר דרכן של בני יהודה היה לייחד החתן עם הכלה קודם שנכנסו לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה שתאהב הכלה את החתן לפי שאין האשה כורתת ברית אלא למי שעשאה כלי ואם ח"ו תבעל להגמון אחר כך תבעל לה באונס א"נ כדי שימצאנה ההגמון בעולה ויבטל גזרתו שגזר כל בתולה שנשאת ברביעי תבעל להגמון תחלה ומשום הכי היה מנהג ביהודה יותר משאר מקומות לפי שרוב גזרותיו ביהודה משום שיודע שממנו עתיד לצאת משיח שיושיע את ישראל וישפוט את הר עשו The shita seems to hold that the reason for the custom in Yehuda was in reaction to the Primae Noctis, a custom in many cultures in the ancient world for the king to have sexual relations with the virgin bride before her wedding. The inhabitants of Judea would allow the bride and groom be sexual once during their erusin (betrothal period) before their nesuin either to create the bond between husband and wife before the Hegemon interferes or to actually outwit him by rendering her no longer a virgin. רש״י יבמות מא, א חוץ מארוסה שביהודה - דתנן פרק קמא דכתובות (דף יב.) ביהודה היו מייחדים החתן והכלה קודם כניסתן לחופה כדי שיהא לבו גס בה כלומר רגיל ומצחק עמה שלא יהיו בושין זה מזה בבעילת מצוה הלכך חיישינן דלמא בעיל: According to Rashi the custom was in order to prevent wedding night trauma. The custom in Judea was to encourage developing comfort and a relationship first before the pressure of having to be sexual on the wedding night. Interestingly enough, the Yad Ephraim )קצ״ז) on Yoreh Deah (1760-1828) records a contemporary custom of the groom being alone with the bride the night before the wedding in order to fulfill the requirement of making sure the groom voluntarily chooses the bride and desires her as well as quotes this Rashi about them being comfortable before attempting intimacy. “….ולפי מנהג מדינות אלו שבלילה שלפני החופה שעושין סעודה בבית הכלה שקורין חתן מא"ל ומביאין החתן ג"כ לשם עם הבחורים לאחר הסעודה מייחדין החתן והכלה בחדר מיוחד מ"מ נראה דשפיר טובלת ביום דלא שייך בזה סרך בתה דאע"פ שמייחדין אותם מ"מ ידוע שהיחוד אינו לביאה רק בכדי לקיים דברי חז"ל אסו' לקדש אשה עד שיראנה וגם שיהא לבו גס בה…” What is fascinating here is that wedding night trauma is an experience that seems to be cross-cultural and cross-generational. Even though we do not have these customs that they had in Judea it does tell us that we could be attuned and find our way to forestall this problem. Thorough premarital counseling and education as well as rabbinic sensitivity and parental involvement is crucial.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below שְׁלֹשָׁה אֵין רוֹאִין פְּנֵי גֵיהִנָּם, אֵלּוּ הֵן: דִּקְדּוּקֵי עֲנִיּוּת, וְחוֹלֵי מֵעַיִין, וְהָרְשׁוּת. וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים: אַף מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ אִשָּׁה רָעָה. וְאִידָּךְ? אִשָּׁה רָעָה מִצְוָה לְגָרְשָׁהּ. וְאִידָּךְ? זִימְנִין דִּכְתוּבָּתָהּ מְרוּבָּה. אִי נָמֵי, אִית לֵיהּ בָּנִים מִינַּהּ, וְלָא מָצֵי מְגָרֵשׁ לַהּ.לְמַאי נָפְקָא מִינַּהּ? לְקַבּוֹלֵי מֵאַהֲבָה. The Gemara asks: What is the practical halakhic difference that emerges from this statement? The Gemara answers: It is significant as it teaches one to accept those afflictions with love, knowing that they will exempt him from the punishment of Gehenna. יבמות סג, ב אמר רבא אשה רעה מצוה לגרשה דכתיב (משלי כב, י) גרש לץ ויצא מדון וישבות דין וקלון ועוד שם סג, ב היכי דמי אשה רעה אמר אביי מקשטא ליה תכא ומקשטא ליה פומא רבא אמר מקשטא ליה תכא ומהדרא ליה גבא בן יהוידע שם, ועוד עיין בן יהוידע על שבת יא, א Seems to learn it to be a metaphor for weaponizing sexuality and using it to tease and torture her husband. משלי י״ז:טו דֶּ֣לֶף ט֭וֹרֵד בְּי֣וֹם סַגְרִ֑יר וְאֵ֥שֶׁת מדונים [מִ֝דְיָנִ֗ים] נִשְׁתָּוָֽה׃ An endless dripping on a rainy day And a contentious wife are alike; A couple of points: It seems Ben Yehoyada defines an אשה רעה as someone who weaponizes sex. It seems that there are circumstances where one is permitted to divorce or even should divorce, but must stay due to financial considerations or child care. I think it is important to analyze and generalize some of these ideas expressed by these Gemaras because it is easy to use or misuse general statements of chazal to reinforce self-rationalization. After all, let’s get one thing clear and out of the way, the Torah is described as דְּרָכֶ֥יהָ דַרְכֵי־נֹ֑עַם וְֽכָל־נְתִ֖יבוֹתֶ֣יהָ שָׁלֽוֹם׃ Her ways are pleasant ways, And all her paths, peaceful.(משלי ג:י״ז) so the upshot of any teaching cannot be to cause misery and suffering. The challenge here is that the Gemara is not coincidentally in the same position as a couples therapist. If you try to bring out the side of one party with the best of intentions, often the other party feels like you are biased against them. Any Gemara about Middos and human nature is subject to many qualifications and circumstances. Having said this Introduction, let us try to understand what this Gemara might be saying and what it probably is not saying. There is a relationship where a person uses withholding sexuality as a form of emotional blackmail. Obviously this is an unhealthy relationship and needs a resolution. At the same time, there are many circumstances where a person is traumatized, hurt or feels unsafe emotionally and that being sexual is damaging. The rabbis were obviously not referring to such a situation. And, even in the scenario where there is spite, there might be history behind that behavior. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it does mean that every effort needs to be made to get to the bottom of the problem. Regarding item number two, where the Gemara discusses both the imperative to get divorced and the situation that might compel a person to stay, it would seem that we can extract some universal principles from it. It also is reasonable to say that if the principles sees universal than they may apply to both genders, despite being expressed according to one gender’s viewpoint. The two universal principles seem to be: (1) If an impossible and intractably cruel situation cannot be resolved, even if it does not involve physical abuse, it is not considered improper to divorce. (2) If there are substantial financial needs or emotional needs of the children, and one feels compelled to stay the correct attitude is to consider it a form of suffering and penance. I would like to add a psychological footnote to item number two: There are times when encounter spouses who see themselves as “righteous” and “suffering under the tyranny of an immature or difficult spouse.” Now, I am not saying such scenarios aren’t possible, they obviously are and the Gemara is referring to such as case. However, in my experience the majority of the situations such as this involve a spouse whose own behavior is a significant factor in the difficulty, and instead of looking inward at the causes, takes on his or her suffering like a martyr. It is far easier to live an entire life suffering as a martyr than it is to experience one painful moment of self-honesty and introspection. It is easier to die al piy kiddush Hashem than it is live that way, and it is easier to be miserable with mesiras nefesh than it is to be happy or honest with mesiras nefesh.

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below ״וְעַל פְּתָחֵינוּ כׇּל מְגָדִים״ — אֵלּוּ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁמַּגִּידוֹת פִּתְחֵיהֶן לְבַעֲלֵיהֶן. לָשׁוֹן אַחֵר: שֶׁאוֹגְדוֹת פִּתְחֵיהֶן לְבַעֲלֵיהֶן. “And at our doors [petaḥeinu] are all manner of choice fruits [megadim],” these are the daughters of Israel who inform [maggidot] their husbands about their passageway [pit’ḥeihen], i.e., they tell them when they are menstruating. Another version of this interpretation is: They bind [ogedot] their passageway and save it for their husbands, and do not have relations with others. One area of marriage that requires absolute trust are the laws of Niddah. Every woman must constantly make decisions about what internal experiences and states are important to ask she’elos about and what are not. It is all too easy to go to either extreme, that is obsessing too much about minor issues, or becoming resentful and jaded and not asking enough questions. My friends, in this matter, a husband is key. No matter what complication, what question, no matter how frustrating or inconvenient, no matter if she “shouldn’t have looked” or “shouldn’t have forgotten”, never, ever show resentment or anger. Doing internal examinations and having to show them to others is a potentially humiliating experience. No husband should add to this distress by acting in any way annoyed or irritated. He should always be grateful and supportive that his wife expends time and energy, and is open about highly personal matters. My friends, in Psychology of the Daf we are going to say things that others will not say. Can you imagine for a minute that in order to be intimate with your wife you had to stick a white cloth up your rectum, twice daily? And, even better, any time there was an unusual color, no matter how small, you would have to send it to a rabbi to let you know if you are “kosher”? Try to have some empathy and understand the incredible trust and courage Jewish women have displayed for thousands of years! I can attest there are women who hide shaalos, and even some that lie about going to the Mikvah altogether for decades, out of fear of their husbands’ reactions. I have encountered this from women who otherwise are devout. Please do not underestimate how fearful and dysfunctional relationships can become. Be a good Jew, and be a good man. Treat your wife with sensitivity and respect regarding any matter of hilchos niddah.

DAF YOMI from a psychological perspective For Mareh Mekomos, Click Below מֵשִׂים שָׁלוֹם בַּבַּיִת בָּטַל. He said to him: Because I have grown old, and the rocks on the road have become tall, and destinations that are near have become far away, and my two feet have been made into three with the addition of a cane, and that which brings peace to the house, namely, the sexual drive which motivates a couple to make peace, is no more. רש״׳ שם משים שלום בבית - אבר תשמיש: Niddah 31a-31b ויהיו בני אולם אנשים גבורי חיל דורכי קשת ומרבים בנים ובני בנים וכי בידו של אדם להרבות בנים ובני בנים אלא מתוך שמשהין עצמן בבטן כדי שיזריעו נשותיהן תחלה שיהו בניהם זכרים מעלה עליהן הכתוב כאילו הם מרבים בנים ובני בנים והיינו דאמר רב קטינא יכולני לעשות כל בני זכרים אמר רבא הרוצה לעשות כל בניו זכרים יבעול וישנה The rabbis did not have a word for female orgasm, but from the context and the Rashi below, we see that what they descriptively referred to as “the woman giving forth seed”, was the female orgasm. They assumed that if a man gives forth seed at the climax of his pleasure, then the woman must be doing so as well at the height of her pleasure. In some ways, it is not false, as the female orgasm is hypothesized to facilitate fertility in a variety of ways. See this study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5087695/ Rashi Ibid שמשהין עצמן. מלהזריע: יכולני. שישהא עצמו מלהזריע: יבעול וישנה. שמתוך תאות בעילה ראשונה תהא מזרעת ונהי נמי דתזריע אחריו תקדום הזרעתה בבעילה שניה: רמב״ם אישות טו:ז ״ולא יאנוס אותה ויבעול בעל כרחה אלא בדעתה ומתוך שיחה ושמחה.״ One should not engage in the act by force or against her will. Rather he should engage with her consent, in a context of [loving] dialogue and joy.” The source for Rambam’s formulation of “loving dialogue and joy” is apparently none other than how Rav, the great Talmudic sage, was reported to conduct himself with his wife בברכות סב, א רב כהנא על גנא תותיה פורייה דרב שמעיה דשח ושחק ועשה צרכיו אמר ליה דמי פומיה דאבא כדלא שריף תבשילא .א''ל כהנא הכא את פוק דלאו אורח ארעא אמר לו תורה היא וללמוד אני צריך “Rav Kahana lay underneath Rav’s bed [in order to study from his master how he comported himself in the bedroom]. He heard him speak, laugh, and engage in relations. Rav Kahana exclaimed, ‘Abba conducts himself as a starving man who has not eaten!’ Rav commanded, ‘Kahana, you are here? Leave, as this is not proper conduct!’ Rav Kahana replied, ‘This is Torah and I feel compelled to study it.’” Providing sexual pleasure adequately takes communication, time and practice. A common source of distress in marriage is premature ejaculation. Sexuality is an important drive and instinct. If a spouse is not interested in sexuality, this is a symptom of a problem. It could be trauma, it could be lack of emotional intimacy or sometimes it is giving up on sex because of being frustrated in npt experiencing orgasm or feeling too much pressure to perform. Premature ejaculation is a common problem, though with correct intervention, completely repairable. Men believe that they cannot control their ejaculation when actually with the proper training and mindfulness they can learn to notice the inner processes, glands, arousal levels, blood flow etc to control arousal and ejaculation. A man can even learn to have multiple orgasms without ejaculation. Think of it like toilet training: If you lived on a planet where no one knew they could learn to control their bladder and sphincter it would seem odd if someone told you one day you can learn to control it. But actually it is possible through proper technique. You can learn more on my youtube playlist the chosson and kallah shmooze you wish you had but never got. See this study as well: Background Premature ejaculation (PE) is a common sexual dysfunction among men which affects men and their partners. Little qualitative data are available to characterize the impact of PE on men and their partners about ejaculatory control, sexual satisfaction, emotional distress and relationships. The objective of this study was to assess the impact of PE from the perspective of men with PE and the female partners of men with PE on their sexual experience, distress and relationships. Conclusion This qualitative study provides valuable insights on the substantial psychosocial burden of PE in the US and the Europe. Lack of control over ejaculation resulted in dissatisfaction with intercourse and increased emotional distress, and wide-ranging impact for both men with PE and their partners of men with PE. Source: Revicki D, Howard K, Hanlon J, Mannix S, Greene A, Rothman M. Characterizing the burden of premature ejaculation from a patient and partner perspective: a multi-country qualitative analysis. Health Qual Life Outcomes. 2008;6:33. Published 2008 May 12. doi:10.1186/1477-7525-6-33

Rabbi Simcha Feuerman LCSW-R DHL DAF YOMI from a psychological perspective For Mareh Mekomos, Click Below נָקֵיט מַרְגָּנִיתָא בַּחֲדָא יְדֵיהּ וְכוּרָא בַּחֲדָא יְדֵיהּ. מַרְגָּנִיתָא — אַחְוִי לְהוּ, וְכוּרָא — לָא אַחְוִי לְהוּ עַד דְּמִיצְטַעֲרָן, וַהֲדַר אַחְוִי לְהוּ. In order to demonstrate the value of modesty to his daughters, Rav Ḥisda held a pearl in one hand and a clod of earth in the other. The pearl he showed them immediately, and the clod of earth, he did not show them until they were upset due to their curiosity, and then he showed it to them. This taught them that a concealed object is more attractive than one on display, even if it is less valuable. Hilchos Ishus 15:18 וְלֹא תִּמְנַע מִבַּעְלָהּ כְּדֵי לְצַעֲרוֹ עַד שֶׁיּוֹסִיף בְּאַהֲבָתָהּ אֶלָּא נִשְׁמַעַת לוֹ בְּכָל עֵת שֶׁיִּרְצֶה. מעשה רקח ולא תמנע מבעלה כדי לצערו וכו'. פי' קודם שיבא לידי כך מורה לו שאינה רוצה דאילו באותה שעה שרי כדי להרבות תאותו ובזה מתורץ קושית הרל"מ ז"ל ע"ע: אישות ט״ו י״ז וְלֹא יֶאֱנֹס אוֹתָהּ וְיִבְעל בְּעַל כָּרְחָהּ אֶלָּא בְּדַעְתָּהּ וּמִתּוֹךְ שִׂיחָה וְשִׂמְחָה: Sexual blackmail is not allowed, however neither is sexuality without consent. A dialectical concern that is often framed in halakha with contradictory directives. For example, children are obligated to go to extremes to honor parents, yet parents are obligated not be demanding nor burdensome. In other words, each party has certain ethical and legal obligations -- if only, halevai, they meet somewhere in the middle! The idea is that certain forms of Torah Sheba’al Peh cannot be captured in easy written proscriptions, thus a tension is set up between two poles to allow for persons to find the middle ground, as appropriate for the situation. In general this is why, in my opinion, certain parts of the Torah is oral. Shulkhan Arukh YD:240:3 עד היכן מוראם היה הבן לבוש חמודות ויושב בראש הקהל ובאו אביו ואמו וקרעו בגדיו והכוהו על ראשו וירקו בפניו לא יכלים אותם אלא ישתוק ויירא מן מלך מלכי המלכים שציוהו בכך: To what extent their fear? Had the son been dressed beautifully, sitting at the head of the community, and his father and mother came and ripped his clothes, hit him on his head and spit on him, he should not shame them, but rather remain silent, and fear the King of kings of kings, who so commanded him. Ibid 19 אסור לאדם להכביד עולו על בניו ולדקדק בכבודו עמהם שלא יביאם לידי מכשול אלא ימחול ויעלים עיניו מהם שהאב שמחל על כבודו כבודו מחול:

DAF YOMI from a psychological perspective. Mareh Mekomos 117b אָמַר רַב אָשֵׁי: חֲזֵינָא לֵיהּ לְרַב כָּהֲנָא דְּנָקֵט תַּרְתֵּי וּבָצַע חֲדָא. אָמַר: ״לִקְטוּ״ כְּתִיב. רַבִּי זֵירָא הֲוָה בָּצַע אַכּוּלַּהּ שֵׁירוּתֵיהּ. אֲמַר לֵיהּ רָבִינָא לְרַב אָשֵׁי: וְהָא מִיחְזֵי כְּרַעַבְתָנוּתָא? אֲמַר לֵיהּ: כֵּיוָן דְּכׇל יוֹמָא לָא עָבֵיד, וְהָאִידָּנָא הוּא דְּקָעָבֵיד — לָא מִיחְזֵי כְּרַעַבְתָנוּתָא. רַבִּי אַמֵּי וְרַבִּי אַסִּי כִּי מִיקְּלַע לְהוּ רִיפְתָּא דְעֵירוּבָא — שָׁרוּ עִילָּוֵיהּ, אָמְרִי: הוֹאִיל וְאִיתְעֲבִיד בַּהּ חֲדָא מִצְוָה — לִיתְעֲבִיד בַּהּ מִצְוָה אַחֲרִינָא. Rav Ashi said: I saw that Rav Kahana took two loaves in his hand and broke one, not both at once. He said in explanation that it is written: “They collected double the bread,” meaning that one collects and holds two loaves together, but need not break both. Rabbi Zeira would break off a piece that would suffice for his entire meal. Ravina said to Rav Ashi: Doesn’t that appear like gluttony? Rav Ashi said to him: Since on every other day he does not do this and now he is doing so, it does not appear like gluttony. Rabbi Ami and Rabbi Asi, when the bread from the eiruv would happen to become available to them, they would begin and recite the blessing over it. They said in explanation: Since one mitzva was performed with it, let an additional mitzva be performed with it. רש״י שם בצע לכוליה שירותיה - פרוסה גדולה ודי לו בה לאותה סעודה ולכבוד שבת ונראה כמחבב סעודת שבת להתחזק ולאכול הרבה: טור א״ח ער״ד ומצוה לבצוע פרוסה גדולה שתספיק לו לכל הסעודה מפני שנראה כמחבב סעודת שבת שחפץ לאכול בה הרבה ולא מיחזי כרעבתנותא כיון שאינו עושה כן בחול ש״ע א״ח ר״מ אם היה נשוי לא יהא רגיל ביותר עם אשתו אלא בעונה האמורה בתורה ... ואף כשהוא מצוי אצלה לא יכוין להנאתו אלא כאדם שפורע חובו שהוא חייב בעונתה ולקיים מצות בוראו שיהיו לו בנים עוסקים בתורה ומקיימים מצות בישראל וכן אם מכוין לתקון הולד שבששה חדשים אחרונים יפה לו שמתוך כך יצא מלובן ומזורז שפיר דמי. ואם הוא מכוין לגדור עצמו בה כדי שלא יתאוה לעבירה כי רואה יצרו גובר ומתאוה אל הדבר ההוא: הגה גם בזה יש קבול שכר אך (טור) יותר טוב היה לו לדחות את יצרו ולכבוש אותו כי אבר קטן יש באדם מרעיבו שבע משביעו רעב אבל מי שאינו צריך לדבר אלא שמעורר תאותו כדי למלאות תאותו זו היא עצת יצר הרע ומן ההיתר יסיתנו אל האיסור ועל זה אמרו רבותינו ז"ל המקשה עצמו לדעת יהא בנדוי: רמב״ם הלכות שבת ל:יד תַּשְׁמִישׁ הַמִּטָּה מֵעֹנֶג שַׁבָּת הוּא. לְפִיכָךְ עוֹנַת תַּלְמִידֵי חֲכָמִים הַבְּרִיאִים מְשַׁמְּשִׁין מִלֵּילֵי שַׁבָּת לְלֵילֵי שַׁבָּת. Marital relations is from the delights of Shabbat. Therefore Torah scholars [fulfill] their [set] time from one Shabbat night to [another] Shabbat night. So, perhaps just as it is not רעבתנותא to eat with gusto perhaps even the recommended voluntary abstentions of Shulkhan Arukh do not apply on shabbos.

In this series we will discuss the Jewish ideas about marriage, sexual pleasure, abstention, modesty, marriage communication, sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, anorgasmia, painful intercourse, low sexual desire disparities, sexual addictions, sexual trauma and how to treat them and understand them from a Torah and psychological perspective.