Marriage Rules with Beth Wylie

Click the link below to purchase my online course. Just starting the course is creating rituals of connection and then as you continue to work on the course, you can bring intentionality to how you want to add rituals of connection to your relationship. https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

Charlie and I narrowly avoid many conflicts throughout the day. I often can't remember examples, but one happened yesterday and I needed to share it with you all.Here a few reasons we were able to avoid this conflict and were able to Keep It Moving are:1. Having a full emotional bank account2. Being intentional with where we moved (the why = less stress)3. Creating an intentional time to connect each week4. Self awareness (meditation, therapy, journaling, books, etc)Listen to learn about this how it went down. https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

Have you ever gone on a long waited for vacation with your partner full of expectations of intimacy and quality time only to find yourself watching the sunset alone or sitting in silence at a very fancy, very expensive dinner? It happens, A LOT. I hear about it in sessions once a couple has returned. So much disappointment, and so much time and money that was wasted because couples were not intentional, realistic or communicative when they planned this vacation. I am on a mission to bring intentional vacations to couples, vacations that include, wait for it.....couples therapy!!! Listen, enjoy and then book your intentional vacation with a side of couples therapy. If you want to get started creating a more intentional relationship, take my online course and see the results right away. https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/

What is your belief system when it comes to conflict? Where did you learn this belief system? How did it come to be formed into this belief system? So much of what was modeled for us by our primary attachment figures, was a conflict style that was ineffective, harmful and was likely also formed by the community in which you grew up in. We believe that in conflict, there is a winner and a loser, in debate teams, the winner is the one who was most persuasive. With out partner, we need to really change and evolve in how we both view and engage in conflict. If done effectively, conflict can and should be connecting. That is right, you absolutely can walk away from a conflict feeling heard and understood and more connected to your partner then when you first got into the conflict. Listen to Beth talk more about flipping the script on conflict. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

"I just want to feel heard and understood." Have those words ever come out of your mouth? Well, I have heard them many times and I have watched as couples struggle to validate one another's perspective and feelings. I have heard every excuse as to why they just can not validate their partner's reality. I have watched as one couple held their breath waiting for validation, only to be left feeling dismissed and minimized. This is why this episode is important to listen to. Validation is literally EVERYTHING! Once validation begins to happen between the couple, walls start coming down and trust within the marriage firms up and validating in the future becomes easier and easier. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

In my training with the Gottman Institute, I learned how to help couples bring up an issue softly. I feel (insert feeling) about (what is the issue) and I need(what would you like to change or happen). While this is totally cool, adding some positive context before you even bring up your complaint. Have a listen to hear me drop a pretty varsity level front load during this episode. Enjoy! If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

Ok, so I need you to really listen to me here. If you have something important and/or hard that you need to talk to your partner about, you absolutely need to invite them to a conversation instead of just starting up a that conversation. If we side swipe, we usually elicit a defensive response and we end up in a process oriented fight (we fight over how we fight), and that, is a GIANT waste of time! When we invite our partner to a conversation where we let them know what it is we are hoping to talk about, we allow them to prepare for that conversation which then enables everyone to show up as their best selfs, with the goal being to better understand one another vs winning. The Invitation to a Conversation episode is part 1 of my conflict series. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

Create a meditation practice in order to be aware of how you are feeling when you are feeling it, to be able to slow down your reaction to an event and to create a more positive thought process in your life and in your relationship. Have a listen while Beth breaks it down. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

Affection for the safe of affection is pretty rare in married couples who have kids. AND that creates a lot of disconnection and assumptions that could be cleared up by: 1. Listen to this episode 2. Talk to your partner about this episode 3. Make a goal with an intention and some action steps to work on creating more moments of affection for the sake of affection. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

The more opportunities we create for potential positive connections, the more positive connections we have. Distractions tend to steal those opportunities, and we fall prey to the habits we create around these distractions. Pay attention to the amount of distraction you currently have in your life, and how often you tend to add more to the plate. Do you know what you might be afraid of if you did not have your go to distraction when you started having negative feelings? Listen as Beth talks about the importance of removing distractions so you can create as many opportunities for positive connection as possible. If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

My favorite tool to share with clients is the call it back tool. When you bring up a complaint in a harsh way, or you have a certain negative tone of voice or you just start a conversation with your partner with negative vibes, then I want you to call it back. This is done by being aware of how you just started this interaction and checking in to see if you are actually upset at your partner or if you are being lazy in your communication. If it is the latter, then ask your partner if you can try that again. If you are actually upset, then you need to have that conversation instead of being reactive and putting low energy vibes out there. (been in Maui awhile if you can tell). Take a listen to dig in a bit deeper and then make a goal to hear yourself better and call it back if needed! If you like what you hear and think you could benefit from my online course for couples, then click here! https://marriage-therapy.teachable.com/ 

We tend to ask why questions to our partner instead of making an I feel statement. When we ask a why question, we are literally asking our partner to explain themselves....aka be defensive. Once that happens then the conflict has become process oriented (fighting about how you fight) and the complaint, feeling, issue never saw the light of day. Listen to the podcast and hear Beth talk about the different tools to use instead. To buy my online course for couples click here. https://mailchi.mp/bethwylietherapy.com/loveoverlogistics

I am a pretty big Sublime fan, so I often think of PMA - positive mental attitude when I think about bids to connect, emotional bank account, deposits and the positive perspective. The PMA idea is that if you think positive thoughts and keep your thoughts in a more positive direction, then overall your life will be positive. Not because you life got better, but because you thought about it more positively, you life felt more positive. When we focus on the good in our life, we are more often in gratitude. That is where I want you to focus. Think positively about your partner and see what start s to flow. Where energy goes, neural firings flow (meaning we can make new connections in our brain, but we have to take a lead role in doing so). Man we do this so easily when we first date someone. We minimize their flaws and the red flags and maximize the event where he one time bought you a rose at dinner when the girl with the basket of roses walked by. After we begin to get serious and more committed we do the opposite, minimize the good and use the bad as a nightly highlight reel for one another.  Research on meditation and the brain has told us that 80% of our thoughts are negative and most of them are repeats from the day before. We get stuck in a loop. Sometimes we then need to justify this behavior and negative feelings so we look for more reasons that our partner has ruined our life and we are sure to let them know about it.  How do we then make the shift? Intentional positive thinking, as well as, scanning your environment for what is going right and then pointing it out. Begin by making a daily habit of writing out things about your partner that you respect, admire and love and you can also list out appreciations that you have. Then try to point out positives as they happen. Aloha! To take my online course for couples, click here  https://mailchi.mp/bethwylietherapy.com/loveoverlogistics

In this episode I talk about how to stop roommate syndrome from entering your relationship or how to avoid entering into it. There is a time in your relationship when your children are at a certain age that you have a pivotal decision to make. I talk about how to be intentional with how you as a couple spend your time and prioritize your relationship, yes even over your kids. Have a listen and feel free to message me with any questions!

You will need to be both willing and motivated. The willingness and motivation shows up as a desire to work hard, see your role in the dysfunctional patterns you and your partner established and make changes within yourself to show up as a better partner. If we make an agreement that what you are doing is not working and you need to make changes, then you need to do the work. I can help but I can not do it for you. Take a listen and I hope you enjoy!

The transition to parenthood is one of the most challenging we go through in life. However, very little energy is spent on thinking about how bringing a baby into the mix is going to affect the relationship. Instead we spend hours on researching names and strollers and have pretty unrealistic expectations to how we are going to handle this major role change that is about to take place. Have a listen to learn more and then call a therapist!

Learn what makes couples masters of their relationship and what makes them disasters. Couples who fall into the disaster category can move over to the masters category with energy, effort, intention and therapy!

When we got married we did not become one person. We are two people in one marriage. We are different people, who came from different families with different want and needs, and those wants and needs often change over time. Learning to except one another for who will are creates a more loving relationship with higher levels of vulnerability.

Helping couples understand that two realities can be true at the same time and that my reality remains true even after I validate my partners reality. Learn more about these concepts and how to do an exercise that can and will change how you process conflict.

I will discuss the issues I hear about in my sessions with my therapy clients, as well as, give you tools that will help you get through conflict in your relationship.