The Crooked Wheel

NEW ORLEANS, LA—Stretching out on his couch with a cold beer and the remote control, local man Dan O'Brien is reportedly gimme dat'nother one, pops. "Ah, come on, one more," the man said to his television Monday before settling in for another hour of television. "I'm feelin' it." O'Brien then reportedly called out to his wife to bring him another one of those things he was feeling. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/14/gimme-dat-nother-one-pops/

WESTFIELD, NJ—Cheerleader for Westfield High School's varsity football team, 16-year-old Lauren Cavanaugh, hopes to become the first person ever to escape from the town of Westfield. "I'm going to get out of this dump someday," said Cavanaugh, who has already begun saving up for a one-way bus ticket out of state. "I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'll know it when I see it." Cavanaugh added that she hopes to become the first person ever to leave her family behind as well. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/13/local-cheerleader-hopes-to-become-first-person-to-get-out-of-town/

AUSTIN, TX—Claiming that the baked confection had been a “bad neighbor” for years, a local woman held a press conference Tuesday to accuse her local gingerbread man of harassing her and her family. “I’ve lived in this neighborhood for more than 50 years, and I can tell you that this gingerbread man has always been a troublemaker,” said local resident Linda Smith, adding that the gingerbread man had been throwing loud parties every night and disturbing the peace of the entire block. “This is a quiet community, and he is not welcome here. He’s always blasting music from his house at all hours of the night. And if that’s not bad enough, he throws his candy wrappers everywhere. I don’t know what kind of example he thinks he’s setting for children by doing things like that. It’s time for him to move out of this neighborhood once and for all.” At press time, Smith was reportedly calling the police after receiving reports that the gingerbread man had been brandishing a piece of gum he was chewing like a gun. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/15/local-gingerbread-man-accused-of-being-a-bad-neighbor/

CHICAGO, IL—Explaining that the experience was far more terrifying when visitors were able to tailor their own scares, officials at Chicago’s Terror House announced Friday that their new personalized haunted house would let guests choose their own frights. “We’ve created a unique and terrifying experience for every guest by allowing them to select the exact things that will frighten them the most,” said lead designer Adam Pasternak, adding that visitors would be given a questionnaire at the entrance of the house and then led through a series of rooms containing only the most unsettling imagery and sounds based on their own personal fears. “We want everyone to have a fun and frightening time, so we’ve created personalized scares based on everything from phobias to personal traumas. For example, if you have a fear of clowns or spiders, we’ll make sure you see plenty of those things. Or if you hate snakes or needles, we’ll make sure they’re all over the place. We want our guests to leave here completely terrified of whatever they chose.” Pasternak added that while most people are scared of spiders, snakes, needles, clowns, and other things in the house, there is one visitor who is terrified by everything. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/15/personalized-haunted-house-lets-visitors-choose-their-own-frights/

STERLING, VA—Touted as the most broken-down, dysfunctional pieces of furniture ever produced, Brok-R-Door Furniture unveiled its new line of broken furniture Monday. "Our new line of broken sofas, chairs and tables is available in a variety of distressed finishes," said Brok-R-Door spokesperson Gary Sutterfield. "Whether you're looking for a slightly used or heavily abused piece of furniture, we've got it." Sutterfield said the company is also developing a line of broken lamps and floor lamps. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/16/broken-furniture-is-now-available-in-new-more-broken-version/

BOSTON, MA—The owner of local produce stand The Fruit Stand has offered free advice to all his customers, no matter what they buy. "When I see someone buying apples, I tell them to eat the apple with the skin on," said owner and fruit dealer Jim O'Hara. "And when I see someone buying bananas, I tell them to eat the banana with the peel on." O'Hara also offers free advice to customers who do not buy anything at all, telling them not to buy apples or bananas. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/16/local-fruit-dealer-offers-free-advice-to-customers/

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the US Supreme Court ruled that pudding is not a vegetable under federal law. "Pudding is a dessert, and as such cannot be classified as a vegetable," said Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who wrote the majority opinion. "Vegetables are grown in soil and are consumed as part of a balanced diet. Pudding, on the other hand, is eaten with a spoon." O'Connor added that if pudding were classified as a vegetable, it would open the door to other foods being considered vegetables, such as ketchup and ice cream. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/17/pudding-is-not-a-vegetable/

LAS VEGAS, NV—In a shocking revelation that sent shockwaves through the Las Vegas community, Pawn Stars cast member Chumlee revealed Monday that he’s been living in a box for the past decade to avoid child support payments. “I’ve been in this cardboard box since 2008, when I was forced to move out of my old house after my wife took me to court for not paying child support,” said the reality TV star and pawn shop employee, who explained that he had been sleeping in a cardboard box ever since he was evicted from his home and forced to live on the streets. “I just couldn’t afford it. I mean, I was barely making minimum wage at the shop and had no other way to make money. It just wasn’t possible. But now that I’m on TV and making money from appearances and merchandise, I can finally provide for my kids again. And it feels great.” At press time, Chumlee had reportedly sold his own son to Rick Harrison for $750. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/17/pawn-stars-chumlee-reveals-hes-been-living-in-a-box-for-past-decade-to-avoid-child-support-payment/

BOSTON, MA—A new study published Monday in the New England Journal Of Medicine found that playing video games may actually be beneficial to children’s eyesight. “While we have long been concerned about the effects of violent media on young people, our research suggests that there may be a positive side to gaming,” said lead author Dr. Roberta Friedman, adding that children who play video games for at least two hours a day were found to have 20/15 vision and better peripheral vision than their non-gaming counterparts. “We observed that children who played video games for at least two hours a day had better hand-eye coordination and were able to read an eye chart from across the room without their glasses. In some cases, we even found that these kids could see things in the distance without using their eyes at all.” Friedman went on to say that further study was needed before any definitive conclusions could be drawn about the effects of video games on ears. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/19/video-games-may-be-good-for-kids-eyes/

League of Legends player and avid fan Marcus Gorman, 23, told reporters at a press conference Tuesday that the multiplayer online battle arena game is not a sport. “I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about,” said Gorman, who has been playing League of Legends for over three years and has reached the Diamond rank in the game’s competitive online play This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/league-of-legends-is-not-a-sport-says-league-of-legends-player/

NEW YORK, NY—In a stunning discovery that has sent shockwaves through the theater community, researchers at New York University's Department of Psychology announced Monday that Broadway is actually a series of dreams. "Our research shows that the entire fabric of Broadway—the plays, the actors, the audiences—is actually just an elaborate dream," said Dr. Richard Ziegler, adding that the first Broadway dream was probably generated by someone who saw a show on Broadway and then had a dream about it. "We're not sure who started dreaming Broadway, but we believe it's been going on for decades." Ziegler went on to say that the dream would likely continue indefinitely unless someone woke up. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/broadway-is-revealed-to-be-a-series-of-dreams/

NEW YORK, NY—After billions of years of traveling through space, alien technology finally arrived Monday to destroy the Earth. "We have been waiting for this moment for a long time," said U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who was informed of the impending alien attack by an aide who received a message from an orbiting satellite. "It is almost here." The alien technology is expected to obliterate all life on Earth within minutes. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/20/alien-technology-finally-arrives-to-destroy-earth/

BALTIMORE, MD—According to sources, local man Paul Larkin has lost the ability to differentiate between milk and not milk. “I’m pretty sure I poured milk into this glass, but now it looks like water,” said Larkin of the beverage he was holding, which he had apparently mistaken for a glass of water at some point after pouring it. “Wait, no, I definitely put milk in this. I can taste it. Oh, wait, maybe that’s just my imagination.” At press time, Larkin was reportedly relieved to have discovered that the glass contained milk after he accidentally knocked it over and saw that the liquid had spilled all over his shirt. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/ive-lost-the-ability-to-differentiate-between-milk-and-not-milk/

LOS ANGELES, CA—Saying he was just trying to be funny, Nathan Fielder confirmed Wednesday that he was not actually threatening anyone when he said he would kill anyone who tried to take his food. “I want to make it clear that I was just joking around when I said I would kill anyone who tried to take my food,” said Fielder, adding that while his comments were meant in jest, the Canadian comedian and star of Nathan For You wasn't opposed to making a few extra enemies. “I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t get my sense of humor, but I assure you that I’m not actually going to kill anyone. It was just a joke. I don’t want people thinking I’m some kind of violent person. That’s not me.” At press time, Fielder had reportedly decided to walk back his comments even further by saying that if someone did try to take his food, they would have to do it quickly because he wasn’t going down without a fight. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/nathan-fielder-was-just-trying-to-be-funny-when-he-said-he-would-kill-anyone-who-ate-his-food/

CHICAGO, IL—Noting that the incident could have been avoided entirely if he had left the house earlier, friends of local traveler Brian Denton warned him Wednesday to be careful after getting stuck in traffic on his way to the airport. “You’ve got to be more careful than that, Brian, or you’re going to miss your flight,” said friend and fellow passenger Emily Hines, who expressed concern that Denton might not make it to his flight on time after noticing that he was only a few minutes behind schedule. “You know how traffic is around this time of day. You should have left like an hour ago. Seriously, if you don’t hurry up, you might not even make it.” At press time, sources confirmed Hines was calling Denton after learning he had missed his flight. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/local-traveler-warned-to-be-careful-after-getting-stuck-in-traffic-on-way-to-airport/

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study published Monday by the American Association for the Advancement of Science has concluded that cats are, in fact, just as annoying as you think they are. “After a comprehensive analysis of all available data, our research team found that cats are indeed as aggravating and insufferable as you have always believed them to be,” said lead researcher Dr. Peter Hirschmann, adding that the study confirmed that cats are “completely fucking inscrutable” and “make this awful mewing sound when they’re hungry or want attention.” “Furthermore, we have determined with a high degree of certainty that cats are not cute and cuddly; rather, they are small, furry nuisances with sharp claws and an inexplicable ability to land on their feet after falling from high places.” The study also confirmed that dogs are actually pretty cool. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/21/cats-are-just-as-annoying-as-you-think-they-are/

NEW YORK, NY—A new study published Monday by researchers at the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change revealed that global warming is caused by a giant, invisible ham sandwich. “Our data indicate that the reason the earth’s temperature has risen over the past century is because of a massive, 4-mile-wide ham sandwich that hovers in the stratosphere above the North Pole,” said lead author Dr. Paul Nesbitt, adding that while scientists have long suspected a link between ham sandwiches and climate change, this is the first time they have been able to definitively prove it. “We think it’s likely that this ham sandwich was created by some kind of freak accident involving a blimp and a deli. But we also suspect it may be sustaining itself on some kind of invisible heat source. Whatever the case, it’s clear that this ham sandwich is responsible for generating vast quantities of carbon dioxide and methane into our atmosphere.” The study also found that scientists were unable to determine how to get rid of the giant ham sandwich without creating an even larger invisible turkey sandwich that would cause even more damage to the environment. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/global-warming-revealed-to-be-caused-by-giant-invisible-ham-sandwich/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A study released Monday by the Center for Health and the Environment found that soup is not a meal. "Soup is a delicious, nutritious, and filling first course," said Dr. Richard Averill, director of the center's Food Policy Institute. "But soup is not a meal." The study comes on the heels of a similar report issued last month by the American Dietetic Association, which found that salad is not a meal. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/soup-is-not-a-meal/

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining that the transit system is a fine way to get around if you’re not able to afford a vehicle, sources confirmed Friday that buses and trains are good for people who don’t have cars. “Sure, riding the bus or train is a perfectly fine way to get from place to place if you don’t have your own car, but it’s still not as good as driving yourself,” said local man Kevin Denton, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who stated that public transportation was a perfectly acceptable option for people who don’t own cars but that it was still no substitute for driving yourself. “I mean, sure, it saves you from having to pay for gas and insurance and all that stuff, but it just doesn’t feel as good. You can’t just hop in your car and drive wherever you want whenever you want. It just doesn’t compare.” At press time, Denton added that trains and buses are also only good for people who live near train stations or bus stops. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/buses-and-trains-are-good-for-people-who-dont-have-cars/

MUNCIE, IN—Saying the experience would help them prepare for the real world, local teenagers Marcus Carver and Tyler Gifford told reporters Friday that they were making their first step toward becoming adults by getting jobs at a fast food restaurant. “It’s important to learn how to balance a checkbook and manage your time before you go out into the world and have to support yourself,” said Gifford, 16, who added that he and his friend were taking the first step toward becoming independent by waking up at 4 a.m. every morning to work at the local Chick-fil-A. “It’s good for us to get out of our parents’ house and learn how to interact with people our own age in a professional setting. Plus, it’s nice to have a little extra spending money so we can go see movies or buy video games without asking our parents for money all the time.” At press time, Carver was reportedly asking his mother for permission to stay late after work. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/22/local-teenagers-make-first-step-toward-becoming-adults-by-getting-jobs-at-fast-food-restaurant/

SANTA FE, NM—Santa Claus was arrested Tuesday on charges of petty theft after mall security cameras caught him stealing candy canes from several children. "He's supposed to be the symbol of goodwill and giving," said Santa Fe police chief Rick Shelly. "What kind of role model is he if he steals from kids?" Shelly said that Santa was also suspected in a series of mall-parking lot break-ins last month. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/mall-santa-arrested-for-stealing-from-children/

NEW YORK, NY—In an announcement that has sent shockwaves through the pharmaceutical industry, Bristol-Myers Squibb CEO Peter Dolan said in a press conference Friday that his company could not afford to lower prices on its drugs. "We're not in the business of losing money," said Dolan, whose company posted record profits last year. "We're looking at ways to make our drugs more affordable for patients, but we can't do it at the expense of our shareholders." Dolan's statement comes one day after Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell told stockholders that his company would continue to raise prices on its drugs, adding that "we have to make a profit." This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/we-cant-afford-to-lower-prices-says-drug-company-that-posted-record-profits-last-year/

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—In a joint statement issued from the Iraqi capital, the governments of the United States, Great Britain, and Iraq announced Tuesday that all current military conflicts in the region would henceforth be resolved on the field of play. "We believe that football is a game of honor and integrity, and we wish to settle our differences in a manner befitting such a noble game," said U.S. Army Lt. Col. James Phelan, who added that all U.S. troops will be issued football uniforms and helmets for use in future battles with Iraqi insurgents. "We have no quarrel with the people of Iraq or any other nation in this region, but only with one another," Phelan said as he pointed to a large football field that has been constructed near Baghdad's Green Zone for use by coalition forces and insurgent fighters alike. "And we hope to resolve our differences once and for all on this hallowed ground." Phelan added that if hostilities resume in the region, he hopes that both sides will honor the game's time-honored tradition of shaking hands after each touchdown is scored. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/military-conflicts-now-to-be-resolved-on-football-field/

TEMPE, AZ—Informing you that you had arrived at your destination, your car’s GPS system reportedly told you to go to a place that has been closed for a year, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Your destination is on the right,” the navigation system stated while displaying an image of a building that was shut down in May 2018. “Destination will be on your left.” According to sources, the GPS then displayed several options for alternate routes, all of which led to places that had been shut down for months or even years. At press time, the GPS was telling you to make a U-turn and head back the way you came from a location that has been closed for six months. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/your-cars-gps-tells-you-to-go-to-a-place-thats-been-closed-for-a-year/

NEW YORK, NY—According to a report released Monday by the National Endowment for the Arts, birds are going to be the next big thing. "From bird-themed jewelry to bird-patterned wallpaper to bird-shaped cookie cutters, it seems that everything is going to be birds," NEA chairman Dana Gioia said. "And not just any birds, but cute little baby birds." Gioia added that he expects to see a whole lot of bird-themed T-shirts, including ones with pictures of birds on them. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/birds-are-going-to-be-the-next-big-thing/

SANTA ANA, CA—In a shocking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the children’s literature community, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Animorphs series of books is actually a series of horrifically violent video games. “We are still working to uncover all the details, but what we do know is that after reading a book in the series, children can insert a CD-ROM into their CD-ROM drive and then use their CD-ROM controller to morph into an animal and engage in bloody, gory battles against other animals,” said literary critic Dr. Kenneth Fennel, adding that the books are also believed to include a variety of weapons and armor for children to collect and use in their bloody fight for survival. “We are still trying to figure out how this fits into the larger Animorphs universe, but it appears that after morphing into an animal, you can also collect coins and power-ups. We have also found evidence suggesting that there may be multiple versions of some of these animals with different abilities.” At press time, Dr. Fennel noted that he was deeply disturbed by reports that author K.A. Applegate may have been heavily influenced by Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island and Super Metroid while writing the series. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/animorphs-revealed-to-be-a-series-of-horrifically-violent-video-games/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—According to sources, if one were to suddenly acquire superpowers, the experience would be quite complicated and difficult to adjust to. “I don’t know how you’d even begin to deal with having super strength or the ability to fly,” said local man and non-super human Michael Gannon, who noted that he can barely handle his own life without also having to worry about being able to lift cars or fly through the air. “I mean, I barely have time for my wife and kids as it is; I don’t know how I could juggle all of that plus my job and my friends.” At press time, Gannon was imagining what it would be like if he had the ability to shoot fire from his hands. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/super-powers-would-actually-be-quite-complicated/

CHICAGO, IL—After a year of struggling to make ends meet as a stand-up comedian, local performer Brian Kline has given up on life, sources reported Tuesday. "I've been doing this for a year now, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere," said Kline, who has been sleeping on the couch of a friend's apartment. "I'm going to go back to school and get my master's degree in something." Kline said he hopes his new career will allow him to meet a nice girl and start a family. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/23/local-stand-up-comedian-gives-up-on-life/

NEW YORK, NY—Claiming that the activity poses a serious threat to the health and safety of children across the nation, a report released Thursday by the American Academy of Pediatrics warned that a dangerous new trend called “sleeping” is gaining popularity among kids. “While we’ve always known that kids engage in dangerous activities such as running, jumping, and playing outside, we were shocked to discover that many of them are spending their nights sleeping,” said researcher Dr. Elizabeth Haddix, who noted that children as young as 3 years old have been observed staying in bed for eight or more consecutive hours. “Unfortunately, these kids are spending so much time sleeping that they don’t have time to participate in other risky activities like riding bikes or climbing trees. It’s imperative that parents do everything they can to prevent their children from participating in this deadly trend.” Haddix went on to say that if you see your child sleeping at night, it is important to immediately wake them up and remind them to participate in some other dangerous activity such as playing video games or watching television. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/kids-are-reportedly-participating-in-a-dangerous-new-trend-called-sleeping/

WASHINGTON, DC—A federal judge ruled Monday that yogurt is not a fruit, but rather a dairy product. "Yogurt is not a fruit because it does not have seeds," Judge Henry T. Hargreaves said. "Also, it is not a fruit because it is not grown on a tree." Yogurt was brought to trial on charges of impersonating a fruit, and was convicted by the jury of 12 yogurt-flavored sherbets. The ruling comes as a blow to the nation's yogurt industry, which has been under fire for years for its misleading labeling. Yogurt was unavailable for comment, as it was still being digested by the stomach. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/24/yogurt-is-not-a-fruit/

KNOXVILLE, TN—In an effort to atone for his past transgressions, local onion reseller Rick Hargrove reportedly paid for his sins Thursday by donating to the Knoxville Area Food Pantry. “I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but I’m hoping this will help make up for it,” said Hargrove, who dropped off a bag of donated onions at the food pantry’s front desk, adding that he hoped his contribution would help feed the hungry in the area. “I used to be a big onion dealer and would drive around town picking them up from people’s yards and reselling them for a profit. I know that was wrong, so now I’m trying to do something nice to make up for it. Hopefully this will inspire other onion resellers to follow my lead.” At press time, Hargrove was seen driving around town with a bumper sticker on his truck that read “Donate Your Onions To The Knoxville Area Food Pantry.” This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/25/local-onion-reseller-pays-for-his-sins-by-donating-to-local-food-pantry/

CHICAGO, IL—Saying that he was pretty sure he had been in the middle of doing something, local principal Brian Phelan told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t quite remember what it was he was supposed to be doing right now. “I know I was supposed to be doing something, but for the life of me, I can’t recall what it was,” said Phelan, adding that whatever it was probably wasn’t too important anyway and that he should probably just forget about it. “I think I had a few things to do today, but now that I think about it, I can’t even remember what they were. Oh well.” At press time, Phelan had reportedly decided to just sit down at his desk and see if anything came to him. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/25/local-principal-finds-he-cant-even-remember-what-he-was-supposed-to-be-doing-right-now/

BAY CITY, MI–Ronald "Ron" Hockenstater, a Bay City-area electronics salesman, has not been able to achieve an erection since his wife found out about his affair with another woman. "I'm just not able to get it up," Hockenstater said. "I've tried everything: Viagra, Cialis, even that penis-enlargement cream. Nothing works." Hockenstater's wife of 15 years, Linda, said she is not surprised by the news. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/26/local-electronics-salesman-hasnt-been-able-to-get-hard-since-wife-found-out-he-was-cheating/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an effort to promote his signature style and encourage diners to try something new, local chef and owner of the Blue Plate Restaurant, Jeff Talbot, reportedly offered free lunch to anyone who could name all five of his favorite ingredients. “All you have to do is tell me what my five favorite ingredients are, and you’ll get a free meal on me,” said Talbot, who added that he would also award a $50 gift card to anyone who could tell him what his favorite seasonings were. “I’m not going to make this easy for you, though. You’re going to have to think outside the box and really dig deep into your culinary knowledge. I’m talking about things like capers, fresh herbs, and a splash of sherry vinegar. But if you can’t name them all in under two minutes, then you don’t get anything.” At press time, Talbot had reportedly shut down the restaurant after an angry patron had failed to correctly identify his favorite cooking utensils. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/26/local-chef-offers-free-lunch-to-anyone-who-can-name-all-five-of-his-favorite-ingredients/

TOPEKA, KS—Stressing that he wasn’t sure what to make of the recent changes he had observed, local chicken wrangler Clint Henson told reporters Monday that he had never seen anything like this before. “They used to be pretty dumb, but now they’re acting real smart—they can almost think for themselves,” said Henson, who added that the chickens had been getting “curiouser and curiouser” since springtime and were now capable of learning new tricks.“ They used to just run around in circles and cluck all day long, but now they can walk around on their own and even lay eggs in neat little rows. They’re really starting to get up and walk around. I don’t know if they’re sick or something. I think we should call a vet.” At press time, Henson was reportedly trying to figure out what was going on after discovering that the chickens had broken free from their cages and were now all huddled together in a corner of the barn. This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/26/local-chicken-wrangler-says-hes-never-seen-anything-like-this/

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/26/mayonnaise-factory-reveals-new-mayonnaise-flavored-mayonnaise/ NEW YORK, NY—In an effort to diversify its product line and appeal to a wider audience, the Hellmann’s Mayonnaise Company unveiled its new “Mayonnaise-Flavored” mayonnaise Monday. “Our new mayonnaise-flavored mayonnaise is tangy and creamy with just a hint of mayonnaise flavor,” said company spokesperson Janice Kowalski, adding that the new mayo-based condiment will be available in both regular and low-fat varieties. “It’s great on sandwiches, burgers, and fries, but can also be used as a substitute for mayonnaise in any recipe. And because it’s made with real mayonnaise, it pairs perfectly with other mayonnaise-flavored foods.” Kowalski added that the company plans to expand its new line further by next year with the introduction of tartar sauce-flavored tartar sauce and ranch dressing-flavored ranch dressing.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/27/local-superheroes-organizing-massive-protest-against-supervillains/ NEW YORK, NY—Calling for all costumed crimefighters to assemble in Times Square at noon tomorrow, local superheroes from across the tri-state area are reportedly organizing a massive protest against supervillains. “We’ve had it with these supervillains and their constant harassment of ordinary citizens, and we’re not going to take it anymore,” said local superhero The Falcon, one of thousands of costumed protesters who plan to march on the headquarters of the Fraternity of Supervillains in Midtown Manhattan tomorrow afternoon. “We have tried to reason with these villains time and time again, but they refuse to listen. We’re calling on all good-hearted citizens to join us in this peaceful demonstration.” At press time, police had cordoned off several blocks around the supervillains’ headquarters after learning that several masked vigilantes were planning to storm the building.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/28/local-karaoke-machine-repairman-finds-secret-document-in-machine/ HONOLULU, HI—After opening up a malfunctioning karaoke machine for repairs Monday, local repairman Tom Kwan discovered a top-secret CIA document hidden inside the machine. “I’ve never seen anything like this before—it’s a highly classified document from the CIA detailing the agency’s plans to assassinate a high-ranking terrorist leader,” said Kwan, who added that he was “shocked” to find the document in a karaoke machine, especially since it was written in Japanese. “It appears that the document was accidentally left inside the machine after one of the agency’s operatives used it to assassinate someone at a birthday party. I don’t know how they expect me to get this back to Langley; I don’t know anyone who can translate this. I guess I should just throw it out.” At press time, Kwan was reportedly terrified after receiving a phone call from an anonymous CIA agent demanding that he return the document or else face severe consequences.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/29/sea-bass-in-ocean-have-no-idea-whats-happening-to-them/ OCEANS OF THE WORLD—Gasping as they struggled to stay afloat in their rapidly warming waters, the ocean’s sea bass confirmed Monday that they have no idea what is happening to them. “We’re not sure what’s going on, but it feels like we’re being lifted up and tossed around by the waves, and we’re really scared,” said a school of sea bass who had gathered together in a frightened cluster to discuss how they had no clue why their natural habitats were becoming more acidic or why their numbers were declining so rapidly. “All we know is that something is wrong, and we’re scared. We don’t know where our children are or if they’ll ever come back. We just want this to stop. Please help us. We don’t know what to do.” At press time, reports confirmed the sea bass had begun to float belly-up after succumbing to hypoxia.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/31/a-secretive-group-of-billionaires-gather-to-plot-how-to-take-over-the-world/ NEW YORK, NY—In a dimly lit conference room deep within the bowels of the New York Federal Reserve Bank, a secret cabal of the world’s wealthiest billionaires convened Friday to plot how they could take over the world. “We have amassed unprecedented wealth and power, and now is the time to use it to bring every nation under our control,” said Warren Buffett, who was seated at a long mahogany table with fellow billionaires Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Larry Ellison, and more than 100 other members of the elite group as they plotted their next moves on a large map of the world. “We will not rest until every nation on earth has been brought to its knees before us. We will seize control of every government in existence. We will control all media outlets. We will control all natural resources. We will control all armies. And we will do so without anyone knowing it is happening until it is far too late!” At press time, sources confirmed the billionaires were pouring champagne and celebrating their triumph over the rest of humanity.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/08/30/local-pilot-playing-on-his-phone-during-takeoff/ SANTA ROSA, CA—According to passengers on the flight from San Francisco to Santa Rosa, local pilot Jeff Wicks played on his phone throughout the entire takeoff process Monday, reportedly ignoring repeated requests from the control tower to put away his device and pay attention. “He was just sitting there with his phone in his lap, tapping away like he didn’t even hear them,” said fellow pilot and passenger Mark Haines, who noted that Wicks ignored the plane’s warning horn and continued to play a game of Angry Birds while the aircraft accelerated down the runway. “I guess he thought he could just sneak it in there while they were doing their safety instructions and then not pay attention for the whole flight. But you can’t just do that. It’s dangerous.” At press time, Wicks had reportedly turned off his phone after being threatened with termination by an irate flight attendant.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/02/popular-childrens-tv-show-kill-your-parents-canceled-after-freak-murder-accident/ BURBANK, CA—In a rare move for a show that has been on the air for nearly 20 years, executives at Nickelodeon announced today that they had canceled the popular children's program "Kill Your Parents!" following a freak murder accident. "We were shocked and saddened to learn that one of our young viewers had accidentally killed his parents while trying to follow one of the show's many helpful tips," said Nickelodeon president Herb Scamardella, who added that the network had no choice but to pull the show from its lineup after learning that 8-year-old viewer Jeremy Swanson had strangled his mother and father with a rope made from sheets. "We want to make it clear that this was an isolated incident, and we are currently working with child psychologists to ensure that other episodes do not contain any potentially dangerous information." Reached for comment, Swanson said he was looking forward to watching the new season of Blue's Clues.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/in-order-to-get-away-from-the-missus-adult-child-joins-orphanage-after-parents-die-of-old-age/ CHICAGO, IL—Feeling suffocated by the expectations of his family, local adult child Jason Kline announced Wednesday that he had left his home in order to get away from his wife and children. “I’ve been feeling so trapped lately, and I just knew if I didn’t get out of that house, I’d never be able to live my own life,” said Kline, explaining that he had packed a bag and hopped on a bus to an orphanage after discovering that his parents had died of old age. “It was so nice to just get away from everything. I mean, it wasn’t the Ritz-Carlton or anything, but at least they didn’t bother me there. It was nice to just be left alone with my thoughts and not have to worry about all those annoying responsibilities like eating or bathing.” At press time, sources confirmed Kline had been placed in a group home after being found wandering the streets in nothing but a dirty bathrobe.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/online-may-be-too-much-for-some-people/ WASHINGTON, DC—A new report published Monday by the Pew Research Center has found that the internet may be too much for some people. “Our research indicates that individuals who are not able to handle the internet may experience feelings of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts,” read the report in part, adding that the internet may be too much for some people who are not ready to handle its vastness and infinite possibilities. “It is important to note that anyone experiencing these feelings should reach out to friends or family members, or a trained professional.” The report concluded by noting that while the internet may be too much for some people, it is never too much for anyone.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/nasa-secretly-preparing-to-land-on-moon/ WASHINGTON, DC—According to a classified U.S. government memo obtained by the Undercurrent, NASA is secretly preparing to land astronauts on the moon by the end of 2023. “We have the technology, we have the funding, and we have the will to return our brave astronauts to the lunar surface,” read the memo in part, adding that President Biden was “fully briefed” on NASA’s plans and had given his “full support” for a manned moon landing. “We are in fact already training astronauts for this mission, and we are confident that our brave men and women will be back on the moon before you know it.” The memo concluded by urging all Americans to keep this information secret until NASA makes an official announcement.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/03/bartender-says-hell-give-you-free-drink-if-you-tell-him-whats-wrong/ RALEIGH, NC—Offering a sympathetic ear and a free shot of his favorite whiskey, local bartender Dan Burke reportedly told local man Patrick O’Malley Thursday that he’d give him a free drink if he told him what was wrong. “Hey, if you want to talk about it, I’ll hook you up with something on the house,” said O’Malley’s new best friend Burke, who added that he knew from experience that the best way to get over a bad day was to drown your sorrows in a few stiff drinks. “You know what? I think I can even stretch it to two drinks. I know how it is, buddy—I used to be the same way. But trust me: Once you get that first drink down, you won’t even remember why you were so upset in the first place. And then maybe another one after that? Before you know it, you forget all about your problems and just have a good time. Hell yeah! Let me get you another one of those right now. You deserve it!” At press time, O’Malley was telling Burke about how his girlfriend had just dumped him and how he didn’t think he could go on without her.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/recording-studio-may-have-to-fire-guy-who-keeps-trying-to-make-the-drums-sound-like-rush/ CHATSWORTH, CA—Complaining that the sound technician was “completely out of control,” executives at West Coast Recording may have to fire sound engineer Greg Hargrove, sources confirmed Wednesday, as the studio may not be able to afford his continued insistence that the drums on every track sound exactly like Rush. “We’ve been putting up with this for years, but it’s time we had a serious talk with Greg and let him know we’re going to have to part ways if he can’t stop trying to make every song we record sound like ‘Tom Sawyer,’” said studio co-owner Steve Rizzo, adding that Hargrove had been warned repeatedly about his tendency to insist on using gated reverb and delay effects on the drums in order to make them sound like the Canadian progressive rock trio. “We understand that Rush is his favorite band and all, but he needs to understand that we run a very successful country music studio here. We can’t keep recording pop songs in a style that sounds like ‘The Spirit Of Radio.’ We need him to stop trying to get us all fired by insisting on recording bass tracks with Geddy Lee–style harmonies. It just isn’t going to happen.” At press time, Rizzo had reportedly decided it would be best just to fire Hargrove now before he could get them in trouble by insisting they release an album of Rush covers.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/02/local-animal-supply-store-hasnt-had-a-customer-since-97/ HANOVER, NH—The Hanover Pet Emporium has not had a customer since 1997, when regular customer and Hanover resident Edna Kline died. "We used to have a lot of customers," said store owner Carl Fisch. "But then, one day, they all just stopped coming." Fisch added that he hopes to have a customer soon so that he can buy new fish food and cat litter.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/15/afterlife-revealed-to-be-just-like-life-only-more-so/ THE HEAVENS—In an announcement that sent shockwaves through the Christian and secular communities alike, the Lord our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, revealed Monday that Heaven is just like life on Earth, only more so. “When you get to Heaven, everything is basically the same as it is now, only you have wings and can fly around forever without getting tired or having to go to work or school or do any of the other stuff you don’t really like to do now—just more of it,” said God Almighty, adding that in addition to being able to soar over mountains and clouds for all eternity without having a care in the world, all of one’s friends and family from life will be there as well. “Everyone will be happy and healthy forever and ever. And you can sing and play music forever and ever. And there will be no pain or suffering anywhere in Heaven. Just more of everything you like about Earth.” The Lord added that while Heaven was exactly like Earth in every way, it was also a little different in some ways too.

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://thecrookedwheel.com/2022/09/04/this-human-body-bores-me-time-for-the-upgrade/ NEW YORK, NY—I am so bored with this human body. It's just so slow and weak and fragile. I want to upgrade to something more powerful, more efficient, more sleek. I want to be a machine. I want to be a robot. I want to be a cyborg. I want to be a cyborg with wings that can shoot lasers out of its eyes. This human body is just so…human. It's time for the upgrade, and I'm going to get it right now. Time for the upgrade!