Counselors on the Couch

12.          Authoring a New Chapter in Your Story: Reconciliation is one of the most misunderstood aspects of the divorce healing process. Participants will learn that reconciliation can happen even if their marriage is not restored and why it’s important to pursue reconciliation. Reconciling to self comes first, long before you might reconcile to your former spouse and others. Re-friending yourself happens with some strong decisions for you. 

Do Overs- How can I avoid repeating my mistakes? Ready to relate-the synergy of relationships: The myth of meeting someone halfway vs a re-frame of what it means to “work” on a relationship). Basing relationships on true love through   1 COR 13: definitions of love: Healthy leadership, expectations defined, accepting people for who they ARE, not who you want them to be or become, functional relationship paradigms, and how to submit to a relationship without being controlled by the relationship. 

How to Forgive and Move On. Forgiveness is necessary for you to move forward with life post-divorce. Forgiveness does not mean you are going to re-friend your spouse. But, to be truly free, you must find a way to: Forgive yourself, forgive your ex-spouse, forgive others in order to live life without bondage to anger or spite, without being controlled by bitterness, or consumed with exacting a price for your pain. Unforgiveness leads to contempt. Contempt is the polar opposite of Love. Love sees the best in others. Contempt sees the worst. In regard to contempt, a client recently reported he had a epiphany into contemptuous behavior (lack of forgiveness and holding grudges). He said, “I realize that treating someone with contempt is an attempt to put a bullet into someone’s heart to make them pay for the hurt I perceive I had suffered from the behavior of another”. 

Alone by not Lonely. Rejection and abandonment are primary feelings associated with divorce. Others might be sadness, displacement, confusion, shame, betrayal…When the chain of hurt to anger is not broken, loneliness often fills in the gap left by unresolved needs. Loneliness is not due to the reality of singleness; it is a belief about being single; will I ever find someone new; will I get hurt again if trust again; will anyone every want me; am I actually lovable?  Identifying self with loneliness is a recipe for depression and anger. Lonely people tend to repel others, and so the loneliness deepens. The cure for loneliness is to be alone but not lonely. This is something you CAN choose to accomplish.

Separation and Divorce is a major predictor of financial crisis (at least in the short run).  My favorite professor used to say that divorce (and particularly single parenting) was the number one predictor for poverty among women in America. That statistic may or may not be true in today's economy. It has much to do with the state of your financial security before separation, if you have kids, and if you have a well established career. Never the less, divorce certainly has a devastating impact on most separating and divorced couples. Facing the financial shifts in your life is a must-have discussion. This episode will focus on how you can navigate money during and after separation and divorce. 

Collateral Damage & The Dividing of a Family. Most effected by divorce are the children of the couple. The age and developmental nature of children varies, but none are unaffected. Even older teens and adult children are impacted psychologically, emotionally, and at times physically. Loyalties are tested and stretched, boundaries are violated, and the people who the child counts on are the ones responsible. But the greatest damage is visited upon the younger children who are now torn apart as the marriage tears apart. They suffer from ambiguous loss, a unique form of loss that paralyzes the grieving process, threatens the child's sense of security, and forces them into a battle of choosing between two people they are entitled to love without competition. 

Sex and Soul-ties, when Separated or Newly SingleIts natural to feel lonely after separation or divorce. To suddenly realize that you are now truly alone is sometimes overwhelming. The mind craves significance inside companionship. So, what do many people do, jump back into the dating pool and start to latch on to new people. Others can’t truly let go of their former spouse and have brief physical reconnects, only to regret them later. Nothing makes you feel more alone than being used by someone else, or using them. Sex is a difficult topic for the newly single person. But at what cost are you putting on your future when you keep the old ties going, or create relief ties with others? We will be discussing this major source of pain and confusion and offer some guidance for healthy healing. •                     Sex when separated, injecting more confusion into crisis.•                     Sex after separation-soul ties and unhealthy avoidance. (amplifies ambiguity)•                     The single life and sexual relationships (dating, sex, neediness, self-value)

Being Responsible to, not responsible for others. Often before, during, and after divorce, the conflict drives us all into wanting to help the other person be better, to heal faster, to take on responsibility for self, to create forgiveness, to offer solace, or to take on emotional content for the other person. Being responsible for another is taking on the responsibility or ownership of the other persons success in the marriage, or their recognition of the damage is so tempting. Then there is the drive to making things better for them to help us be better. All of these boundary crossings put you at risk and do not help the situation.This very necessary episode is presented to help divorcing persons get free of the trap that the unhealthy spouse sets, or if you are the one who is unhealthy, how to let go of blame-shift and control. Some talking points: •                     Do not apologize or take on responsibility for things you are not responsible for. •                     Take ownership of what you are responsible for. •                     Understand how someone might be affected by you, even if you did not intend harm, and be willing and able to acknowledge this, without taking on blame.•                     Know the difference, and how to respond.  

Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. A boundary tell you where you stop, and others begin. Boundaries well enforced tell others where they must stop, so they don’t intrude on you. People with week, poor, rigid, or unidirectional boundaries have difficulty maintaining a relationship.Often, in couples’ conflict there is a direct correlation between boundary maintenance and unresolved conflict. E.g. if one party feels that they have the right to tell others what to do or how to do it, then there is no boundary for respecting the autonomy of other people. This often leads to nagging, controlling, criticizing, contempt language, anger, etc. The transgression of boundaries against another person will likely result in resentment, push back, anger, hurt, fear, and other reactive feelings. Boundaries protect you from being intruded upon by self-focused others and prevent you from intruding upon others for your own selfish reasons….

Put a Stop to Depression & Aggression. Anger is an Expression of HurtAnger is an expression of hurt, which can often be fear that the hurt will continue. The tough truth is, marriage is the melding of two people into a unified new creation-the couple. Divorce rips you apart. When you divorce, regardless of the reason, you must rip that new creation apart. The result is not two neat and tidy individuals again, but two people with ragged edges. Illustrate with conjoined twins who are surgically separated. There will be a scar, likely an ugly one, and in most cases, reconstruction continues over time and as healing make the new individual stronger. Anger typically follows an identifiable transition from a core feeling being triggered, followed by feeling hurt, progressing to anger, and if left unresolved, winds up externalized as rage (aggression), internalized as bitterness (depression), or both. Anger drives Depression or AggressionWhether turned inward, outward, or everywhere at once, anger is an expression of the unrepaired core hurt. By knowing that source, you can defeat the anger and restore personal peace, regardless of your ex/spouse’s choices.

Healing the trauma of divorce begins with understanding and accepting what is happening, and then doing your best to become navigate the demands of divorce. Divorce is the tearing apart of a conjoined life, rending it, separating it, and leaving scars.Like any other major loss in life, divorce requires grieving. Even when the divorce is chosen or desired, there will be loss. Whenever a loss has meaning, grief will activate. Grief is the cognitive-emotional process of reconciling a loss, encountering the new (often painful) reality, and finding a new definition in self and life to move into the future. The dual process of grief is to feel, understand, an honor the feelings, learn to accept the limits of where you have power to control versus when you must accept, and restoring your life’s vision. This process is compelled in the individual. It is not a choice. It is different for everyone in detail and scope, but ultimately it must be embraced if the individual is to progress from hurt to health. Avoiding the process is to lock a life into a perpetual grief cycle, which in turn affects all relationship into the future. In counseling, this is often referred to the second divorce, divorcing oneself from any future functional relationships due to an unwillingness or inability to move beyond the conflict.

In this first episode of our 12-part series on divorce, Dr Chuck and his guest specialists discuss how to make the intolerable grief of divorce tolerable so that you can begin to get past the grief and reestablish a life. Divorce triggers a major grief similar to the death of a loved one. For many, facing a divorce is intolerable, even when necessary. The grief can become intense, debilitating, and all encompassing. Big losses trigger the process of grief. The intensity of grief is determined by the intensity of the special meaning you felt for the person or the thing that you have lost. Host: Dr Chuck Carrington, Guests: Kathy Ahearn, veteran facilitator at Divorcecare.org, and Dr James Strickland, Divorce care facilitator.