Lucidesse - Inspiring Strokes of Genius

Mother’s Day is not easy. So many have lost their mother, to death or estrangement, and so many have lost a child, to death or estrangment. This isn’t a carefree day for many — it’s complex, complicated, emotional, confusing. And it want to acknowledge that truth. 

This is a fabulous episode with a wonderful update on my therapy sessions, along with a raw view into my process of creating and understanding the cosmos of my book, through the cosmos of our universe!

What if fairy tales are wise, and filled with great nuggets of gold? We just have to shake them up a bit, see what's beneath the veneer, and then the stain, and the warped wood, and the rough grains, and ... then we might find some really fun stuff. 

There are so many unknowns in life, the most simple being ‘what comes next’. Who can answer that question? Who can tell where exactly we are in this cosmic dust? And how do we make meaning of something we barely know? Or clearly don’t know. This episode is like scrambled eggs - so enjoy the mess. 

A slow walkabout, studying trees and all their wisdom, wondering about what works, what doesn't, and the mysterious why --and when-- because some moments it doesn't and then suddenly it does. Letting go. Holding hope. Trusting myself, trusting my nervous system, as it is today. Just being who and what I am. 

We are constantly transmitting information, so why not transmit what we really need to say? Transmit our needs, desires, wishes, and then show up for ourselves in that way, with the people who CAN and WANT to join us in doing that. How do we help therapists help us, while we help ourselves? How do we seek deeper intimacy in relationship AND honor that not everyone wants what we want? How do we exchange transmissions, exchange ideas and beliefs and hopes and dreams, such that our lives become food for our souls? I don’t know. But I’m hoping to try. 

This is a story about the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Eighth who rules them. We have Wrath, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. But don't forget the Eighth Temptation, Sorrow. Perhaps she is the most powerful. After the Mother's of course, Destiny and Desire. But they are shadowed by their own Mother, Darkness. And she too is shadowed by her parents, Time and Space. Yet, who are their Masters? And who is giving the reader advice? What oracle knows more than this realm reveals? 

We all say we want to love full and deeply, but do we? I have found the eye of the needle to be quite small! Not love itself, but the eye! Every time I am threaded through, it burns away another part of me -- and can be painful! So... ask.  Are you ready?

I have a voice It speaks my story, my experience, my life. It doesn’t sound like anyone else’s voice. It doesn’t speak anyone else’s words. It speaks my voice. My voice, my words. My life. I once thought it was supposed to sound like everyone else's, But it isn’t. It’s supposed to sound like mine, because it is... 

I wrote this little ditty for a writer's party on St. Patrick's Day, and I challenged myself by using every prompt given!  Best of the Irish to you!

When we face challenges, or even better, when we choose to challenge ourselves, when is friction enough? Or is it always enough? Or are there times when fight is needed? I don't know! But explore these questions.

This is a story about the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Eighth who rules them. We have Wrath, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. But don't forget the Eighth Temptation, Sorrow. Perhaps she is the most powerful. After the Mother's of course, Destiny and Desire. But they are shadowed by their own Mother, Darkness. And she too is shadowed by her parents, Time and Space. Yet, who are their Masters? And who is giving the reader advice? What oracle knows more than this realm reveals? 

These are my final thoughts about offering advice to someone who is going through a rape trial. And I hope that, although my experience may not be directly relevant, perhaps the energies needed for such an endeavor are transferred and all can be just a little more well than it is now.

I have often told myself, during difficult times, that I hope to help others who may find themselves in such difficulty. Today I had a direct request for advice on how to navigate a rape trial. Not that I know the answer, nor that there is one, but since I tried, in my own way, perhaps sharing what I learned can help another. 

My initial doorway of learning was pain. Just the one. It was the only way to get my attention. I’ve since learned there are many other doorways available, if I pay attention. And yet, sometimes pan is still the way to deepest learning. So how do I learn from pain?

GREED! We finally get to meet Greed! This is a story about the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Eighth who rules them. We have Wrath, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. But don't forget the Eighth Temptation, Sorrow. Perhaps she is the most powerful. After the Mother's of course, Destiny and Desire. But they are shadowed by their own Mother, Darkness. And she too is shadowed by her parents, Time and Space. Yet, who are their Masters? And who is giving the reader advice? What oracle knows more than this realm reveals? 

Two, 12-minute-timed, impromptu, short stories from a dinner party -- and what they taught me. Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou. A quote by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, which I can't quite recall. The two writings are very distinct, one is the joyful part of my soul, the other is a deeper, contemplative part of my soul, shining light on things I haven't yet seen or understood.  

Do I take how others feel personally? Do I let their opinions define me? Especially when they all feel so differently about me! Who is correct about me? Anyone? Maybe not even me 😆 And when I take it personally, how does that affect my ability to care. Truly care. 💛 Is there a way for me to care without getting involved with their opinions?

A story about the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Eighth who rules them. We have Wrath, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. But don't forget the Eighth Temptation, Sorrow. Perhaps she is the most powerful. After the Mother's of course, Destiny and Desire. But they are shadowed by their own Mother, Darkness. And she too is shadowed by her parents, Time and Space. Yet, who are their Masters? And who is giving the reader advice? What oracle knows more than this realm reveals? 

A story about the Seven Deadly Sins, and the Eighth who rules them. We have Wrath, Greed, Pride, Envy, Sloth, Gluttony, and Lust. But don't forget the Eighth Temptation, Sorrow. Perhaps she is the most powerful. After the Mother's of course, Destiny and Desire. But they are shadowed by their own Mother, Darkness. And she too is shadowed by her parents, Time and Space. Yet, who are their Masters? And who is giving the reader advice? What oracle knows more than this realm reveals? 

I share an oracle I did through yi jing (i-ching) and how it showed me that the decision I made was correct. This is helpful for me in remembering my definition of community, connection, communication, is not the same as others. And that when true resonance--for me--is not found though proximity, but through the strength of integrity and authenticity. I also touch upon the sacredness of our inner circle, our inner garden, our sanctuary. 

I bumble through my change in therapy styles, therapists, un-armor-ing myself, and the impossible task of understanding oneself AND another person! I also share the beloved quote: I walk slowly into myself, through a forest of empty suits of armor. ~ Tomas Transtromer

Long ago, I began to say the words heard, held, honored.  I liked the way they sounded, and they felt good, but I wasn’t  sure what they were all about. Recently, as I’ve been having conversations centered around conflict, I began to understand that what I wanted most is to be heard, held, honored. I don’t  care about being right. I have no need to convince anyone of anything. So, the next time you have a conversation centered around some kind of conflict, consider how important it is for you to be right, then consider how important it is for you to be heard, held, honored. This difference could take a lot of pressure off  the conversation. And give everyone space to breathe. 

I realize I can no longer fix myself for anyone else. Issues other people have with me are beyond my ability to fix. Or at least I no longer have the desire or the energy or the interest in trying to fix those issues for other people. So I’m now relying on my desire to fix things for myself. Just for me. So that things inside this house I call me are as pleasant as they can be.

A story about being human, and all the temptations, all the ways we succeed, all the ways we fail, all the ways we learn, and don't. It's about a world within a world, and realms beyond our imagination, except they exist. So, why not take a look and see what there is to see. 

This is the second chapter in my novel about The Eight Temptations, which evolved into what we now call The Seven Deadly Sins. But this is so much more than these powerful characters, in fact, they are not even the major players!

I began a new eating habit while at my ten day meditation retreat BUT it has become so much more! I am learning what it means to be calm, content, whole, full, enough!  I am experiencing fullness, abundance, enjoyment, and satisfaction while eating, but also in other daily activities. This practice is changing my experience of and relationship with calm, content, whole, full, satisfied, enough, enjoyment -- and joy!

Over the last six months I've used colored paper and simple phrases to help build a daily life where my habits are healthy and balanced. You can do it to! All you need are crayons and patience! I'll show you how to create a weekly calendar that is filled with the things you want to do in life, and it's interactive. An interactive calendar so you can see your progress. Places where you're doing well, places where you've got some resistance. And you start new every week. Every day, really! Let's begin...

I just finished another 10 day silent Vipassana meditation course. I share three main takeaways from it. First, my strong reaction to any change! Second, my habitual reaction to make things more intense than they already are. Third, the synchronous combining of harmonious or relational vibrations.

I share my latest understanding of allowing loss or failure to refine me in the present moment, but not define me, nor my future. My heart also wishes me to learn this so it can have the space to participate in my life, in my refinement, in my future. I am never defined by a moment, I am refined by it. 

It’s time to build a structure that is capable of being you, and of doing what you feel called to do. As you build this structure, you reclaim parts of yourself, parts that have been serving as boundaries, in order to protect you. But once you integrate that part of yourself that was a boundary, the function of that boundary is also integrated so you don’t need the boundary. It is inside you, integrated into the structure you’ve built, are building, for and of yourself. Build a structure that can be and is you. Boundaries will naturally integrate. 

There is only one thing you need to make the most amazing altar ever and that is your awareness. The second thing that’s helpful  to remember is that your altar is alive. It is a living growing changing being. It needs to be cleaned, it needs to be pruned, it needs to be you. Your relationships, your struggles, your blessings.  Your altar is a physical representation of your energetic and spiritual self, and journey. So give your altar your awareness and watch it grow! 

I share two different experiences of doing parts work, one was brilliant! The other less so. But both taught me the importance of recognizing the part that is iron-fisted, inflexible, because they need immediate attention. I also surprised myself by hearing other parts that are so grateful! But their voice wasn’t heard until I calmed and addressed the one(s) with great need. All parts are not equal 😆💛

I realized I have an absurd relationship and understanding of things NOT happening in my life. I think they are loss or failure. But how can something NOT happening be a loss, how can it be taken away, or, how can it be a failure, if I never did it? And how does this thinking keep me from 'making the asks' in my life that lead to connection, creativity, growth, love!

The morning after I found out my rape trial is 'cancelled'... What now? How do I live again? Love again? Relax my nervous system? Think beyond all that I've known for three years? And put down the burden? 

Had a call today with the prosecuting attorney. (I didn’t see this coming… even though I have felt for the last few weeks that I just need to live and not worry about the trial.) After 3.5 years, the State of Utah has decided to withdraw the case. They now feel there isn't enough evidence to convince a jury. So. It’s all over…. I’m not sure how I feel. Disappointed. Relieved. Surprised. Weird…

Dying is a process. I takes more than saying words, or feeling emotions, or even enduring the chaos of the mind as its old structures die. It takes a process, day to day to day, the messy, mucky, even miserable. I'm in that process and I want to remember what it's like, so I can be humble when I 'm not. And I want to acknowledge it so anyone else out there in a similar space doesn't feel alone, or weird, or ....anything but perfectly normal! 

Well, here goes shame!  I am admitting there has been more than one me in here, and possibly more than two, but let's stick with two for today, namely, Jekyll & Hyde. Those two lovables have been here for a bit but I haven't wanted to acknowledge them. So, someone else did it for me. How lucky am I?!

My left hip spoke to me recently, told me that it locked-down 15 years ago because of a misunderstanding, my misunderstanding; I did not understand the situation, my self, others, and healthy responsibility. Today, my left hip is cautiously unlocking. We are talking. I am understanding, and learning. ALWAYS LEARNING!

I have worked my whole life to have healthy, healing, strengthening conversations, the ones which require each person to dwell in the discomfort of their vulnerability, their authenticity. I’m finally doing that. And not just doing it, I’m understanding a few of the keystones which lead up to those moments when hard conversations become something magical, transformational; Like a rainbow becoming raindrops of color, our nervous systems become a dazzling array of possibilities, of new understandings, of bridges. I thank those in my life who practice this art with me. Priceless. 

I am resilient. But not all the time. It happens best when I find the golden thread of my journey, and follow. I don’t just find this thread lying around, I align with it, resonate with it, listen and feel for it. And then, when I find it, I see that I’ve given up all the other possible journeys for this one, for mine, for me in this moment. 

After 15 years of having a very active nervous system, and so faithful, like Old Faithful at Yellowstone National Park, I’m done. This is my love letter of farewell to this habitual triggering, and also an invitation to harness all that energy into a symbiotic relationship, a meaningful and productive life. I’m dying to live my purpose again. So, as my mother said, “Take my hand. We go soon.”

I know 'fighting to live' very well. What is new to me is 'dying to live'. I thought it would be a less active process but it requires much of the same, namely, awareness, acceptance, allowance, but with less outward physical, and even mental, actions. I don't think either is better, there is a time to fight and a time to die, and both can lead to new life, they are like mini-deaths along our journey. FYI: I hope you don't solve the puzzle I'm doing before I do!

My grandmother is one bookend. I am the other, or one of them. And it wasn't until I spoke my grandmother's words about my mother, at my mother's memorial service, that I began to understand just how deep the ties are between generations, not simply with parents. And it's beautiful for me to see this continue from my mother to my son. I hope they find the same strength, solace, wisdom and grace that I've found (cultivated!) with my grandmother.

We have many sources of grief and they flow like streams into one pool. When a great loss comes, that pool is given an opening and the waters flow for ALL the streams of grief. We are given the gift of grieving, for not just the current loss, but all the losses, from all the sources of our griefs.

More musings, thoughts, experiences of grief, sorrow, loss, death, and the natural yet overwhelming (at times) waves of these energies, emotions, teachers. The dark purple robes of Sorrow came to me nearly 20 years ago, I know Her well, and have learned to love Her. Sorrow is a Queen among royalty. Truly, the finest of ladies. 

A few days before my mother passed, I wrote her a letter. And then she wrote me back - immediately! Such a sweet surprise. I Love You, Mom. Miss you already. Wish you the safest travels. Call as soon as you can, I'm here, waiting...

A novel about humanity, divinity, time, space, and why we do what we do...

“Pressure is a privilege.” ~ Billie Jean KingLife is an athletic event, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. To feel, hear, listen, respond, and grow through that pressure is our greatest privilege.  

Porcelain Lives lives is a book I began writing in 2015 as I was helping care for my father as he passed from Alzheimer’s. I didn’t realize I was writing a book at the time, I was merely capturing what was happening in my fathers passing, until a few years later  I realized I wanted to turn it into a book. I have written most but I’ve been waiting for my mom to finish her journey with Alzheimer’s. Today I share one of those stories.