The Gonarch's Lair and Off-Planet podcasts

016: soccer_oscars_dynasty Soccer holds unrivalled notoriety on Earth, it is so popular that even we are familiar, with pockets of fans watching reruns of old matches via their Inter-dimensional Communication Array. I have never understood the appeal, however subject A’s ideas for revamping the game certainly piqued my interest. Dynamism and astonishment being the unique selling points: his concepts may seem uncoventional, verging on immoral even, and have to be heard to be believed. Some suggestions make perfect sense and would go some way to improve our worlds most popular sport, if only by increasing each matches bodycount. The inmates move on to share their contentious opinions of film and screen award ceremonies: celebrations of their planets most creative and talented citizens working in the movie industry. They break down the background politics and formulas for success that usually resulted in receiving this coveted prize. Their opinions on the concept are intensely bitter, ironic considering the way they act as though each aren’t moments aware from committing interstellar homicide against the other is truly Oscar-worthy. Our voyagers end by discussing family dynasties, with subject B asking A which famous Earth family he would like to have been a member of. They discover that blood isn’t always thicker than water while considering what these titans of influence brought to society, and debate whether power and wealth or love and stability form the most stable family unit. Admittedly, due to the onerous amount of time I have spent observing these miscreants, I cannot help the growing feeling I am minding some estranged and mutated relatives. When comes the time to bring this experiment to a close however, I will recall my training and terminate them efficiently without allowing emotion to cloud my judgement. I will carry out my duty, regardless of how fond of them I have become. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Crystal Creek by rwlr

015: wrath_extrusion_cartoons It was a tempestuous start to the latest meeting between our subjects, the origin of the anger was not divulged but we were given some insight into how the pair process such emotion. Mostly this involves the destruction of inanimate objects, such as stationary and gaming peripherals, a rather primal and futile coping mechanism. They would do well to adopt our strategy for anger management: absolute and total annihilation of the nearest innocent civilisation. The tourists turned their attention to crisps: a salty, non-nutritive snack made from ingredients including potato, maize and corn. They were formed into creative shapes, were available in a multitude of flavours, and appear to have been an integral part of human subculture. Processing and reforming food to be aesthetically appetising by resembling their natural state as little as possible was normal practice for humans. It’s unthinkable to me that so much effort would go into changing the appearance of something you are to consume, my simple rule has always been: no face, no feast! The cartoons of their childhood became the final topic of conversation, primarily the problematic nature of the characters and themes. Violence and conflict was prevalent in most of them, as though they were intentionally preparing their children for an inevitable lifetime of pain and suffering. In hindsight this was rather fortuitous, given the bloody and chaotic end their civilisation met. They closed with a disagreement around adaptations and rule changes in sports, with subject B teasing some ideas he once had to improve the overwhelmingly popular game of soccer. Disappointingly he did not share further in this encounter, but I have a very strong feeling we will hear more of his proposals during the next session. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Ether by Martian Hertz

014: beards_records_superstition   Subject A has experienced a period of boredom, forcing him to seek new ways of occupying himself in the pod. To maintain our mandate, we have not provided any additional forms of entertainment, which appears to have inspired his creative side.    We have witnessed examples of vanity many times during our multiple trials, the current detainees experimenting with different styles of facial hair is yet another. Some of the designs represent major historical and political significance, but no matter the esteem or stigma they held, all were ultimately regrettable.   They moved on to discuss world records, specifically the bizarre challenges humans set for themselves that were recognised by an organisation named ‘Guinness’. Apparently they also produced a delicious alcoholic beverage, perhaps we could synthesise and sample it at our next team building day?   These record attempts help illustrate the reckless and wasteful nature of their species: carrying out absurd activities that push the limits of human endurance and decency, often resulting in serious injury and death, or even worse, irredeemable embarrassment.    A thoughtful conversation around superstitions followed, probing the origins and cultural significance of assigning intention to coincidence. They study superstitious behaviour in sport, religion and tradition, then theorise about causes including mental illness, social bias and environmental stimulants. This phenomenon is not something our kind have suffered from: the concept of not having complete and utter control over our destiny is entirely alien to us, the illogical notion of any external influence deciding our fate could cause the majority of our population to simply cease operating entirely.   Subject B revealed they have been carrying out some research into the demise of humankind, in particular the specific point in their timeline that we now recognise to be their civilisations’ death throes. It would be prudent to observe this investigation to see if they draw the same conclusion as we have, and if they identify how those mistakes could have been avoided. Until this moment I hadn’t considered either of them to be candidates for establishing the first society in our ‘Earth Two’ program, but suddenly I am intrigued to discover what their hybrid spawn could achieve.    Signed, An Observer      Intermission: Branched by rwlr

013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists    It’s the end of term for one of our cadets, and we hear him disclose first-hand experience of our reeducation program to his compatriot: it was intriguing to witness a disarmed and honest assessment of our methods from one of the courses most mediocre students.   We commenced with subject B as he has proven to be the most easily influenced, mainly due to his unusually malleable cognitive structure. The real test will come when we begin the same process with his associate, who presents more stubborn and immovable tendencies. I pray we won’t need to employ the Masters of Torment to encourage his cooperation, historically their loss rate is disturbingly high.    The first topic of the day is beaches, and their correlation to the amount of stars in the known universe. Or more accurately, their known universe: while humanity’s scientists mapped and predicted a respectable portion of the void, they imparted a largely degraded knowledge of spacetime upon our patients.    The participants comment on types of beaches, the natural processes that create them, and the various materials they are constituted from. The beaches on the planet we currently call home are supplemented with the ground bones of our latest enemies, due to it being the ideal exfoliant for our movement membranes.    I believe the inspiration for the second subject they discussed was drawn from their first encounter with our species: which popular movie franchise killer would they choose to attempt to survive against for the duration of one Earth day? This quickly goes awry as they both attempt to find loopholes in the quiz, with claims they could actually become the aggressor in this inevitably fatal scenario. Once again they both demonstrate their rebellious nature, something our rehabilitation process has thus far failed to quash.  One of the pair raises a popular conspiracy theory regarding humanity’s first mission to land on the Moon, the nearest natural satellite to Earth. If only they were aware of how integral the organic material their astronauts left behind was to us locating their planet, they wouldn’t question the legitimacy of mankind’s greatest achievement.  Signed, An Observer Intermission: Broken Booster by rwlr

012: identity_unicorns_stingers   Subject B skipped the pleasantries at the start of todays meeting, opting instead to interrogate his counterpart on their knowledge of antique-based reality television. His intention behind the line of questioning was not to explore the worth of humanitys lost or forgotten junk, rather to identify the masks they surreptitiously wore whilst desperately attempting to blend in to or stand out from a crowd.   The desire for individualism appears to have been endemic in human society, a desperation to avoid anonymity was ingrained in the fibre of their being. The irony of course, is that those who traditionally stood out least have ultimately become the most unique.    They quickly move on to talk of mythical beasts and creatures of legend, those born only in the imagination of storytellers. Principally they discussed the unicorn: a powerful, single-horned equid of indeterminate loyalty. If I were human I would finish this description with the punchline, ‘but enough about my mother-in-law!’. However, I am not, so I shan’t.   Which brings us nicely to the final topic for today: aging comedy tropes and sitcom stingers. Both topics are incredibly triggering for our participants, eliciting visceral reactions and candid takes on outdated humour, canned laughter, and stand-up comics.   During the conversation, our passengers inadvertently gave further insight into the final days of their home world. With every meeting we are getting closer to uncovering the truth behind the fate of Earth, and the part they played in it.   A throwaway comment from one of the candidates inspired a potential solution to our current fiscal challenges: distribute the recorded sessions in the form of a monetised ‘podcast’ and use the proceeds to help fund the project. Personally, I find the concept of listening to faceless voices prattling aimlessly for hours-on-end torturous, but these asinine ramblings are readymade for this bizarrely popular audio medium. And let’s be frank, if we want to be serious about continuing to finance this endeavour we simply must diversify.       Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Crystal Clouds by rwlr

011: condiments_apidae_disasters   Life in the pod appears to have become too bland for subject B: he bemoans the lack of flavour in their rations and so, in an effort to fool his tastebuds, sparks a conversation with his compatriot about condiments.   In a further attempt to inject some spice into their existence, subject A suggests they seek stimulation by landing on the nearest planet. While highly irregular, I would gladly chaperone and observe this excursion, if only to study first-hand how their bodies react to an alien atmosphere.    Talk of animals yet again dominated the session, this time a rather crude fact detailing the results of bee intercourse took centre stage. Once their obsession with insect genetalia subsided, they pondered the ingestion of animal by-products: an ethical dilemma faced by vegans every day on their home planet. The concept of attaching guilt to a food source feels entirely foreign to me: when you are capable of devouring an entire species as an appetiser, you rarely reserve time to consider the impact on ecosystems.   The focus of their conversation then switched to natural disasters. I understand Earth was rather susceptible to these catastrophic events, causing untold destruction and sorrow. Humans failed to master the elements and live in harmony with the climate as we have, their reluctance to embrace a nomadic existence also resulted in more costly infrastructure damage. Our ancestors learned to adapt to a planets violent and dynamic environment aeons ago, accepting that we are merely passengers; theirs refused to allow nature dictate where they could settle, demonstrating an admirable arrogance when facing annihilation.   I have grown rather fond of both inhabitants over my time spent analysing them, I’m starting to think our initial intel on their true nature isn’t entirely accurate. They may even be tame enough to keep as domesticated companions, once they are fully house-trained.   Signed,    An Observer     Intermission: Interior Applause - What Is A Life? by Jack Lancaster and Trap.Sin.Delete

010: halitosis_property_melodramas   My suspicion of ongoing deception by our specimens was confirmed during today’s meeting: affecting accents and masking personalities are clear signs of espionage, what they stand to gain from spying on us I am yet to uncover. I shan’t expose their secret until I understand more about their individual skillsets. An Observer has never before succeeded in convincing an agent of Earth to defect, I am certain I will be the first.   Subject B posed an interesting quandary: if you could taste only one flavour for the entirety of your existence, which would you choose? Inexplicably, this conversation spawned the concept for a comedy series starring an unlikely named lead with an oral hygiene issue. They speak with a mocking tone as though the show is parody, however, having spent many lightyears studying humanity’s definition of humour, I’m convinced this production would be an improvement on most of Earths sitcoms.   The initial part of the session focussed on lost property, specifically items found on a public transport system in one of their worlds thriving metropolises. Both clients suppressed emotional reactions as they discussed their own misplaced belongings: desperate situations will often cause a human to reassess past behaviour and regret missed opportunities, it is clear to me that what they rue losing most is not material, rather the moments they’ve lost to time.   The topic of soap operas united our duo in disgust, displaying particular repulsion for the style of acting employed by the stars. Scripted scenarios being at the forefront of their mind could be due to a developing awareness of the growing audience they entertain and educate with every passing session.    Navigation Control have just informed me that an unexpected alteration to the pods trajectory has put it on a collision course with an uncharted toxic debris field, they forecast an 18% chance of both passengers surviving. I have therefore initiated the Deep Sleep protocol for an indefinite period. We must demonstrate extreme caution when we eventually revive them: due to the unprecedented levels of potential radiation exposure, my biggest concern isn’t who may make it through the gauntlet alive, but what.   Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Interior Applause - My Commode by Jack Lancaster

009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze   In a vain attempt at shrouding his lacklustre approach to pod upkeep, subject A has manufactured an autonomous valet. In theory it should alleviate an already congested list of errands for B, but an unforeseen quirk of said servant could dash his hopes before any benefit is felt.   As we know, this newly employed minion isn’t the only thing our passengers have fabricated while incarcerated: the entirely fictional reality they continue to expand and reside within is now at risk of collapse. I don’t believe we should try to prevent this implosion, it would be fascinating to witness their collective and sudden return to reality.   An intriguing change to the order of questioner, the reasons for which should be analysed further to rule out subterfuge, sees our captives consider a fact about the colossal squid: a huge, unsightly creature who inhabited the deepest oceans of their home planet. A seemingly innocuous topic inspires a spiralling conversation around nightmares, Mediterranean delicacies, insects, a 20th century author and personified sporting goods. It is impossible not to be impressed by their ability to talk inanely for extended periods of time, far surpassing any of our previous detainees.   They closed the meeting by reflecting on how the promotion and consumption of alcohol had fallen victim to fashion trends. It astonishes me how dependent their civilisations were on these substances; it appears to have been absolutely crucial to the functioning of society yet responsible for so much calamity and pain. My species are by no means beyond the influence of mind-altering substances, but our safe drug production and consumption facilities have thus far prevented the destabilisation of communities.    An important note for future trials: human exposure to our recreational narcotics will result in organic disintegration, a discovery made recently to my chagrin.     The closing rant from B criticising public subservience hit a little too close to home. I propose we move to quell any early suggestion of revolt by altering our isolation strategy, affording the duo less time to socialise should prevent anti-establishment movements from taking root. Should that fail, scheduled memory wipes will be introduced to help reassert the equilibrium of our study.   Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Interior Applause - My Hoody by Jack Lancaster

008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis   It was both pleasing and concerning to discover that subject A has created a resort within the pod: pleasing as it will give the inhabitants somewhere to relax and reflect, concerning due to the resources exhausted during its manufacture, resulting in a negative impact on the craft’s stability.   B appeared to be just as worried but was quickly distracted by the prospect of receiving some cheap booze, a traditional benefit of international travel back on their home world. This is not entirely dissimilar to our custom: any bodily excretions accumulated in flight suits during our sabbaticals are collected and gifted to those deemed worthy. I still have a quart of the fluid remaining from my last trip, I must remember to fetch it for these passengers to sample.    They swiftly moved on to debate the controversial art of Snake Charming, an ancient illusionary act performed predominantly in the landmass they refer to as India. We learned of snakes from former pod custodians’ conversations, but they neglected to mention man sought to control them in such a sadistic fashion. Yet more evidence of humanity’s preference to dominate that which they were afraid of, rather than seeking to live harmoniously with it.   The focus on animals continued in the second part of this session, as B presented an interesting hypothetical question: which of Earth’s vastly varied fauna would they each choose to act as their loyal defender, against attack by the rest of the planet’s creatures? They speak with a great sense of nostalgia for these beasts, perhaps we could use the DNA samples our team harvested from their world to resurrect the ones they chose, before unleashing them into the pod. I’m sure they would appreciate the opportunity for some untamed, organic interaction in such an intimate setting.    Finally, I must request access to the original importation documents for our passengers to research two revelations: the suggestion by A that he has an affinity for seafaring, and B exhibiting signs of megalomania. Both are compelling traits that I’d hope would have been detailed upon receipt of the specimens, it would be unfortunate for a sample refund to be required at this crucial stage of the experiment.   Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Orbit by Martian Hertz

007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs   Today’s meeting was a mostly morbid affair, despite a positive start that saw B boasting about the numerous chores he had completed. The act of spring cleaning can be seen as an expression of the desire to improve or change one’s surroundings, could they finally be settling in for the long haul?   Conversely, A seems to be way behind on his duties. I foresee this causing animosity between the two inhabitants, as B adopts a more parental role that his shipmate is readily taking advantage of.   B is also committing an excessive amount of time to his research in the Archives, while A is spending his free time playing a game of correspondence chess with an unknown soul.   The barbaric act of execution dominated the first half of the meeting, a gory debate fought with moral code disclosing conclusions. Designing machines and methods of death is surely the most deplorable of humanity’s legacies, why couldn’t they just devour and recycle their sociopaths as we do?   Triggered by a mysterious, targeted memo, they reflect further on their own mortality with a sombre discussion around how they would like to be memoralised. Their suggestions will be considered, then likely disregarded once we have determined their fate.   Their plans to construct a ‘local pub’ in the pod intrigues me, I have heard many captivating tales about these social hubs. This project has my full support, I can’t imagine there will be any calamitous outcomes from such an innocent and well-meaning venture.   Signed,   An Observer   Intermission:  Tin Soldier Canister 5 by Jack Lancaster (Happy Birthday Music Box by Soundslikewillem, Party Background Chatter by Dbspin)

006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium   Both were verging on hysteria for the duration of this session: subject A believes his co-habitants erratic behaviour is a reaction to a homemade narcotic, I suspect it is due to the oxygen rationing we have had no choice but to enforce. Their entertainment value rises dramatically when starved of the life-giving gas, it would certainly render my observations more bearable should the environmental control systems remain inoperative.   Through his haphazard brandishing of an injured appendage, B inadvertently revealed A has a medical background: could we utilise his experience in battling this relentless Galactic Flu that has ravaged our community? Just to clarify, I am not volunteering my negotiation skills to the unenviable task of convincing Overlord to allow a human to consult with one of our own.   The first discussion of the day developed from a fact about lobsters: a seabound creature of Earth that was craved by their elite. I have never understood the appeal of consuming damp, salty flesh, especially when they are void of bones. They also debated the least appealing animals their planet had to offer, ironically omitting their own species despite them invariably topping intergalactic polls on this topic.   There were a few hypothetical questions posed during the meeting, the most probing being around a permanent mutation to their senses. Could this be a suggestion that they are seeking some kind of alternate reality, or do they wish to dull their exposure to certain stimuli in the pod? I found this conversation the most challenging thus far, simply because I cannot fathom what it must be like to manage with a fraction of the senses I rely upon.   They also consider assembling a squad of superheroes with impractical powers: if I were to analyse this further it could mean that they are seeking some kind of saviour, someone to retrieve them from the deep, cold resseses of space and deliver them to sanctuary. Or it could have just been a fun bit of filler chat.     Can anyone corroborate their reports of interstellar pirates stalking the pod? While it is difficult to argue that they aren’t the most fascinating individuals in the cosmos, I have no desire for a repeat of study #324 which, as I am sure you will recall, resulted in a light-yearlong search for the participants’ partially devoured remains. We simply don’t have the time nor resources to commit to another data recovery mission on that scale.   Signed, An Observer     Tin Soldier Canister 4 by Jack Lancaster (Hand-Crank Music Box Amazing Grace sample by M R McCormack)

005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_dance The tangible regret shown by subject A, following an evening of excess, invoked little sympathy from B for his self-inflicted ailment. They generally lack any real concern for the others well-being, seemingly oblivious to the impact being entirely alone would have on their psyche. Details of the previous nights entertainment suggests A has achieved a new level of lunacy: he has begun fabricating fictional friends. Playing pretend is a normal part of early cognitive development, but regression of this scale could suggest a desire for more tactile relationships. I daresay this is something B would be more than willing to provide. Thankfully the inane chatter returned before they probed the matter further, shifting to an uninteresting debate around drink carbonation. The tone of the conversation inevitably collapsed as they moved on to tales of flatulence: an unsavoury chat that unveiled underlying insecurities that A has, thus far, kept hidden. B displayed no empathy, but perhaps he was merely bitter about the derision he’d suffered for an earlier miscalculation. I was genuinely captivated by their concluding discussion around dancing. I have always envied this species ability to move so freely in physical space, but their suggestion that this expression can be both voluntary and involuntary is fascinating to me. Perchance, once our subjects cycles are complete, I would be permitted the opportunity to temporarily inhabit their husks. I’d really like to take them for a spin. Their discovery of a, previously assumed decommissioned, communication device in the pod shouldn’t be ignored. I would appreciate guidance on which protocol to enforce: should they be allowed to reach out into the void to give them some semblance of hope, or must we shatter their futile fantasies and confirm that they truly are alone? Signed, An Observer Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 3 by Jack Lancaster

004: meteorology_obsequies_pioneers   The usual combative nature of previous sessions was absent today, our subjects were instead unified in annoyance by a common foe: it transpires that the unwelcome guest we initially viewed as a threat and sought to exterminate, has proven itself to be an impactful uncontrolled variable. I suggest we allow this relationship to organically develop for now, I’ll decide its fate at a later date.    Further to this: is the weather system they claim their unofficial crewmate has generated genuine, or is it merely a manifestation of their craving for contrasting climes?    B attempted to gamify the meeting with an ad-hoc quiz before recalling past soirees: we are wading deep in nostalgic waters now, both parties pining for less tumultuous times. The ratio of true to false memories isn’t overly troubling at this stage, lets monitor with reservation to expedite the Memory Augmentation process where required.    The extended discussion around how they dispose of their fallen was fascinating, while the cannibalistic undertones were certainly unexpected.   Our inhabitants chose to close the session by fantasising about the colonisation of another world, displaying the typically entitled arrogance mankind has used to excuse the abuse suffered by planets under their custodianship. The persistent disregard for their destructive behaviour makes me doubt our long-term relocation strategy, and if the preservation of their species truly is as essential as we’ve been led to believe.   It would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the impressive amount of work they have put into developing the pod, how they were able to achieve expansion to this extent is beyond me. It will be interesting to see if their precarious craftsmanship can withstand the oppressive external forces, as it certainly appears their minds are beginning to buckle under the internal pressure.   Signed,   An Observer     Intermission: Seed by Fogg & Lamb

003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay   The third session commenced in open conflict, with B accusing A of larceny. The heated exchange substantiates my hypothesis that our ability to subtly manipulate time and space, and the objects within it, intensifies the volatility of their domicile. Historically, chaotic atmospheres yield rich seams to mine for emotional response data.    B displayed further delusional behaviour, this time convincing himself he was a 19th century physician. A encouraged this for his own amusement. The hallucination initiated a confab around snake oil remedies, I can only pray they won’t be tempted to create their own onboard given the limited selection of ingredients.     Talk of artificially intelligent overlords concerns me: was this merely a coincidence or are they becoming more resistant to reality suppressants? Dictating their own social standing in such a remote and desolate region of space is unprecedented, how can they be so fearful of lacking individuality and status despite being in such a unique and enviable position?    A’s preference for the lower decks is worrisome, what exactly is he getting up to beyond the periphery of our surveillance systems?    Their reminiscence about 20th century automobiles inspired my proposal for next quarter’s Activity Day: perhaps we could allow them to pilot the pod, under strict supervision of course. It should give them some much needed perspective and discipline, and I am fairly confident their motor skill reconstruction has progressed to a level that will meet minimum safety guidelines.   Triggered by a question about cosplaying, they delved deep into the topics of caricatures and impressionists. Feelings of a change to or loss of identity are common for those who have been isolated for so long: ordinarily subjects will either endure and return to relative normality, or a complete fracture of the mind will occur. I will monitor this with interest.   The stowaway lifeform is now reproducing. If C.A.W is once again unsuccessful on its next seek and destroy mission, I will have no choice but to venture into the dank depths to deal with it myself.    Signed,    An Observer      Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 2 by Jack Lancaster

002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human effluence. A regular occurrence at this point in the trial as participant’s minds wander, thoughts turning to previously implausible proposals presented before them. I recommend C.A.W. is instructed to carry out a deep cleanse of both occupant’s exteriors and interiors. There was further indication that A yearns to vacate their transitory domicile: I would like to analyse client interactions more closely to discover why he finds B so repellent. Reports of an extraterrestrial being in the lower decks should be addressed immediately: any alien life-forms present on board will seriously impede the progress of our study and could force yet another pod purge. There is new evidence of an emerging belief system based on their current source of entertainment. Should this be allowed to escalate we may witness the inception of the first religion outside of a habitable planet. Nostalgia permeated the encounter: A and B talked about former professions, vacations, first-times, and acquired skills they would both prefer not to relearn. The irony that they are unconsciously enduring a notoriously vigorous course of rehabilitation is not lost on me. Signed, An Observer Intermission: Adrift by Trap.Sin.Delete

001: rodents_ emulsion _cetaceans  Their first mandatory meeting was fraught with taboo topics, both parties were restless and disorientated: subject A delicately deliberated the legalities of animal ownership, while B fixated on faecal matter.   Attempting to placate a visibly hyperactive B, A engaged in a spontaneous game of Charades. An insightful but meandering conversation transpired: the themes chosen from our predetermined pool exposing their desire for solitude, autonomy, and terra firma. I was perturbed to learn they are routinely consuming a unique variety of home-brew. While precautions have been taken to prevent the reoccurrence of corrupted data, A and B’s ingenuity reinforces my request to revaluate existing security protocols.    One client displayed the unmistakable signs of early-onset ‘cosmic delirium’: I will monitor and, following a formal diagnosis, medicate as required.   Towards the end of the allotted time, B attempted to alleviate the tension by sharing a joke seemingly written by a resident of their homeland. In response A expressed his desire to be allowed to go back to work, confirmation that the occupation simulation firmware has updated successfully.   C.A.W. is fully operational and performing as intended.   I recommend a minor dosage increase of previously prescribed barbiturates prior to reconvening for the next stage of the study.   Signed,   An Observer   Intermission: Tin Soldier Canister 1 by Jack Lancaster

Come with us if you want to live through the second part of this futile fallout, as the reprogrammed reprobates are sent back from a forsaken future, charged with the mission of relating the replies to an Inside Ross’ Mind question that originated outside of Ross’ mind: which movie or TV show would you choose to have erased from your memory, allowing you to watch it for the first time all over again? While recounting the responses from our Plasmacrabs we talk about Stanley Kubrick, novelty glasses, foreshadowing, Kirk Douglas, queefs and personalised coffee cups; we test our knowledge of Terminator catchphrases, a former guest shares their top games of the past ten years and we discuss the potentially life-changing impact of movies and TV. The show continues as our polyalloy pals absolutely will not stop talking in great detail about every Terminator film and game that our research department could find, and while analysing it in our own unique style we mention Maniac Cop, James Cameron’s artwork, custom weaponry, Tech-noir, powerful hallucinogenics and immediate nostalgia; we dispute where a decade begins and ends, inadvertently create a new segment called Ross’ Trivia Moment and we reveal our Terminator game concepts. Possible comebacks include Thom being blown away and Ross choosing poorly.

We need your clout, your booze and your motivation as it’s time to resist with the remorseless rebels, to reveal whether they’ll fight for the future or surrender to their destiny in our long-awaited Terminator special; to celebrate 35 years since the birth of the genre-defining franchise, and as a memento for our canny little Cybercrabs, we have dedicated an entire episode to one of science fiction’s most iconic characters. To start this problematic prowl we present a rapid newsflash covering the Resident Evil 3 remake, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Xbox Series X and PS5, Netflix’s The Witcher, Devil May Cry 5, IndyRef2, Cyberpunk 2077 delays, Jojo Rabbit, James Acaster’s Classic Scrapes, Munchkin, the Brinkburn Street Brewery NERD Arcade event and soft-close toilet seats; we discuss our recent rediscovery of board games, there is a short but sensational Sensi Soaks update and we assist the machines with their extinction of mankind. Before we say hasta la vista to the first part of this doomed expedition, the pitiless partnership pop round to Lair 2.0 for this month’s Gonarch’s Player where we play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: The Terminator, Terminator 2 and RoboCop Versus The Terminator. The divisive dickwads also talk about WALL-E and Short Circuit, The Art of War, Dan Dare, baby food, Charlie Brown, battle fatigue, Spandau Ballet and robotic beards; we announce the winner of the Rings Community Challenge and award them with a relevant nickname, have a mini Thom’s Complaints segment and we denounce Big Momma’s endurance. 40-watt ranges include Ross treating himself and Thom moving to Scotland.

Just one more thing before you flee, fellow Headsprouts, we beseech you to brave the finale of this narcissistic sojourn, as the delusional deadbeats analyse in detail the answers to this month’s Inside Ross’ Mind question: which sitcom universe would you like to live in, and what role would you play within it? The parley is peppered with provocative topics such as Peach Schnapps, Christmassy Headcrab puns, Grizzly Man, dog threats and Lola Jeans; we recount our favourite episodes from the previous year of podcasting, create a catchphrase for Ross and we reflect upon the Cornetto trilogy. Our reviled revellers bring this frivolous fiesta to a close by sharing their TV, game and movie highlights of 2019, and conducting a chaotic conversation that covers muscle cars, Jared Harris, Half-Life: Alyx, Sheridan Smith and TCHOTCHKE; we share our favourite egg-based snacks, receive a message from a dormant Headcrab and we preview our planned episodes for 2020. Shark jumping includes Ross being a compassionate lover and Thom getting his comeuppance.

In the second section of this abstract sabbatical, our most heinous nomad facilitates a completely consensual visit from thelifebath.com to Lair 4.0, where they are coerced into playing Elf: The Movie on the Game Boy Advance while chatting about Lumiere Durham 2019, Gorilla Glue, Baby Yoda, Ring Doorbell, Friends Central Perk LEGO, Cadbury Heroes and Who Framed Roger Rabbit; we debate the validity of anniversaries, create a new crime fighting duo and we consider the difference between mallards and Canada geese. Before and after this merry imposition from a legitimate lifestyle guru, the moody moochers discuss in detail Trustpilot, Guinness cocktails, Flowers and Seaman, Rotville and Festive Bakes; we debut the new Thom’s Complaints segment, have an internationally focussed Sensi Soaks update and our hosts plan a holiday together. Christmassy crotches include Kelly wanting to kill things, Ross’ Fun Bus and Thom having a psychotic break.

Turn on your out of office and take a well-earned break with our vagrant vacationers, as they observe their half-century episode with enviable verve; taking their traditional trip to Lair 3.0 and escorted by Ret, they play four classic sitcom themed games: ALF on the Sega Master System, The Munsters on the C64, M*A*S*H on the Atari 2600 and Home Improvement: Power Tool Pursuit! on the SNES. While playing we discuss A Nightmare on Elm Street, JAMMA boards, Toast of London, NERD Arcade, Blake’s 7 and Ross’ VR experience; we commiserate the winner of the Shoot The Moon Community Challenge, share our pick of the XO19 announcements and we finally find out the fate of Ky’s fabled Fray Bentos pie. During this regretful recess our misguided misogynists also talk about Rumbelows, Russell Crowe, poop stools, Slipknowt and sour beer; we debate China’s strict gaming curfews, plan the Gonarch’s Lair opera and we tease next year’s Stressmas Special. Trepidatious traditions include Ret fiddling around the back, Thom taking a seat and Ross ploughing on.

Boo! The closing slice of this year’s spectre spattered special features a fittingly frightening Inside Ross’ Mind, consisting of two abnormally nauseating queasy questions: what are the strangest phobias you know of and what would you forever banish to Room 101? While deciphering the Deadcrab’s feedback we discuss Greta Thunberg, Hershey’s chocolate, Jerry Springer, the iPhone 11 and Inspector Fogg’s latest production; we receive a mysterious VHS containing a seasonal literary quiz, bemoan poor public transport etiquette and we try to ascertain the original living form of one of Hollywood’s best-known ghosts. The raving revenants lay this eerie episode to rest by discussing at length any movies, TV shows and games that feature ghosts, including those that we would like to see or play based on synopses and taglines. It’s an exhausting exchange that naturally devolves into discussions about the Academy ratio, Fantômas, the Nobel Peace Prize, Pet Shop Boys, Japanese horror remakes and an E.T. joke; we analyse Nicolas Cage’s range, hint at the theme for next year’s Hallowe’en special and we receive a bit of a scare from one of our periodic anecdotists. Lute hallucinations include Thom’s evening ritual, Ross’ exotic Lair and Simon’s inked cubital fossa.

Fingers on buzzers for the second section of this panicked prayer, as our boisterous bogeymen reside recumbently in the radiant torridity of Big Momma’s bosom while playing four ghoulishly gruelling retro games: Casper on the SNES, Porky Pig’s Haunted Holiday also on the SNES, Haunting on the Sega Mega Drive and Ghost House on the Sega Master System. Mesmerized by the ominous atmosphere of our arcane arcade, we deliberate over Seinfeld and South Park’s arrival on Netflix, A Boy and his Blob, Joker, Session, Apple Arcade, Terminator: Resistance, the PS5 reveal and the COD Modern Warfare Spec Ops controversy; we contemplate the return of movie franchise video games, debate the comparison of the MCU to theme parks and we receive a review live on air. Our apathetic phantoms exorcise this section with a topically creepy collaboration playlist, but preceding that we also discuss the TV Licence, Christina Ricci, Scrapheap Challenge, Augustus Gloop, Kia-Ora, Lisa Rogers, Great British Railway Journeys, leprechauns and 90s nostalgia; we conduct a séance using a family heirloom, discern architraves from balustrades and we unanimously agree on the worst cartoon character ever created. Bad man attacks include Simon turning off the internet, Thom being filled with spook and Ross having a sugar rush.

It’s Trick and/or treat time, darling Deadcrabs, as our fourth Hallowe’en special is broadcast directly from beyond the spectral plane; the tormented terrors continue their quest for eternal rest, hopeful their unfinished business shall be accomplished once this supernatural soiree concludes. Supplied with a variety of sweet treats to keep their spirits up, our shadowy shapeshifters start their stricken struggle by scrutinising ghost folklore: the signs and sightings, controversial methods of contact and conjuration, and the scepticism and scientific evidence that contradicts their existence; we witness the resurrection of a long deceased joke, give ourselves monstrous monikers and we learn the legend of Boiler Bill. We slay the initial lump of this lucid illusion with the fallout from the PAC-MAN 256 Community Challenge and a paralysingly painful Sensi Soaks update, but not before discussing the Crazy Frog, bread puns, flooded towns, school trips, future cars, horoscopes, and UFOs; we take a stab at an abominable Bushtucker Trial, debate whether we would prefer to be a ghost or bust them and we do our worst apparition imitations. Indian burial grounds include Ross being a gentleman, Simon coming back from the dead and Thom regretting his pseudonym.

Dare you join our decrepit teleporters as time stands still for the 101st part of this perpetual parade, and behold as we blabber almost exclusively about how time travel concepts are conveyed in TV shows, movies and video games; preceding that plentiful topic we step Inside Ross’ Mind to ask our Headcrabs where and when they would visit should they be able to make an observational trip anywhere in time and space, and what would be their method of transportation? While contemplating the inconsistencies of causality, the conversation converts to more innocuous subjects such as Scrooge 2, alien autopsies, unsolved murders and antivirus software; we receive an introspective message from the future, we reinvent the wheel, and we organically conceive next month’s Inside Ross’ Mind question. Before the episode draws to an open, we contemplate expensive cakes, Forever Friends, Philip K. Dick, holographic telephones, cock candles and extinct animals; we have some fun with multi-syllabic words, get steadily intoxicated, and we outline the plot for the Gonarch’s Lair Podcast video game. Future pies include Ross getting girls and Thom’s boombox.

As retrospective as the most vivid déjà vu, the volatile voyagers are back from the present to once again recognise two almost meaningless milestones: our 4th birthday, and 100th publication of our periodical podcast; what better way to recognise such a chronologically concentrated occasion, than basing the entire show on the theory of time travel? This is also our longest ever release, mainly due to an exceptionally extended news segment during which we cover Wreckfest, Eden Lake, Resident Evil: Project Resistance, Ghetto Golf, Blasphemous, Kevin Kline, Darksiders III, Mindhunter, SteamWorld Dig, Game On 2.0 revisited, FFVIII Remastered and FFVII Remake concerns, and Thom’s VR experience; we bemoan prolonged birthday celebrations, we ask for our plates back and Ross unleashes a surprise segment: The Six Strings that Cause Concern. The first part of this month’s perplexing paradox also contains the Community Challenge results, a Headcrab influenced Sensi Soaks update and the Gonarch’s Player featuring three topical games: Time Killers, Time Soldiers and Time Scanner. While playing we discuss dumbwaiters, Gazza, muscle memory, Charles Manson, the Daz ‘doorstep challenge’, Brundlefly, Tropic Thunder, dyslexia and dyspraxia, paper straws, both Brian Cox and Blessed, strongman events and we receive a proposal for our upcoming 50th episode; we divulge our favourite features of volcanoes, we trick our listeners with a puerile prank, and Thom sets himself a test of time travel.  Time tunnels include Thom filling a flux capacitor and Ross’ flesh wound.

The possibilities are endless in the second part of this foreigner focussed foray, as Tim confronts the infamous interrogation faced by all past inmates of the Lair; the erudite detainee endures an oppressive onslaught of questioning unperturbed, deflecting verbal attacks with aplomb as the incompetent inquisitors insist on interpretations of their inane hypotheticals: his Desert Island games and video game persona choices, his character creation stat and the historical figures or celebrities he would play games with for a day, and which two retro games he feels inclined to inflict upon the next hapless hostage. While touring intrepidly through Tim’s entire history in gaming, the tiring ternion mention Alien Road, syntax errors, Goblin Mountain, Andy Carroll, X-Copy, American Fugitive, the Red Baron, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and 8bit colour palettes; we reveal the answer to Wayne’s Buttkiss cliffhanger, discover our cowboy names, and we debate the viability of an unconventional treatment for STIs. This scholarly slog draws to a close with a privileged insight into the private thoughts of our most popular presenter, as we pilot a brand new segment of the show: Inside Ross’ Mind. While recounting submissions from our listeners for this month’s cognitive conundrum, we outline the promotional taglines, main attractions, and logistics of running such a contentious establishment as Ghost Zoo; Thom announces his school ground nickname, Tim finishes off his limerick, and a listener suggests some Chernobyl-esque dramatisations. Bovine buggery includes Thom’s cow-hands, Ross’ deepest ever eye-roll and Tim cooking coconuts.

Join us lounging by our Xen Healing Pool and surrender to the temptation of a refreshing soak, dip your toes and trust the restorative waters to wash away those suspiciously sweaty summer exploits; then towel off alongside Tim, a first-timer on the show, who has agreed to feature in this month’s episode exclusively to prove his existence. Our hectic headliners commence the first part of this temporal trip by reading a message from one of our most respected raconteurs, before playing the two homework games set by Wayne back in episode 35: Hover Bovver on the Commodore 64 and Pitfall! on the Atari 2600. Before, after and during playtime we talk about Dr. Mario World, Super Metroid, The Evil Within 2, Resogun, Firewatch, What Remains of Edith Finch, and we declare the victor in the Red Fang: Headbang! Community Challenge; we have a three-way gift exchange, the Producer trials some of his observational comedy, and we attempt to assign a nickname to the Lair’s latest virginal visitor. During this obscure odyssey the tricky troika also discuss Love Island, Hartlepool legends, Diana Rigg, the FA Community Shield, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, One Day as a Lion, England starting XIs, and we have a relatively revelatory Sensi Soaks update; we acknowledge some popular cheese-laden snacks, Ross unleashes two surprisingly accurate impressions, and we plan a dirty weekend in Tallinn. Glory stories include Ross picking flowers, Tim being officially teased and Thom speaking off-the-cuff.

In the second part of this inconsequential sequence, our lint lickers lumber to Lair 2.0 to play three arcade games for this month’s Gonarch’s Player: Trojan, Rod-Land, and Street Fighter: The Movie. While gaming we strive to stifle familiar frustrations by talking about Glastonbury, the Lambton Worm, WD40, The Addams Family, Dutch furniture moving solutions, Saint George, and visits to the tip; we receive a brainteaser from Inspector Fogg, list some famous rods, and we discuss the ideal formula for creating a box set. An appealing portion of the episode follows the previous pandemonium, as the privileged pair spout perpetually about some recent TV shows they have been obsessed with: Chernobyl, Black Mirror, Game of Thrones, Stranger Things 3, and Good Omens; we read out our Headcrab’s answers to a future tech question, discuss the mind-boggling budgets and attraction for actors to TV streaming services, and the Producer tries out some of his insufferable stand-up material. Reasons to be cheerful include Thom tasting metal and Ross being released from his shackles.

Dry your eyes darling Headcrabs, for our venerable vagrants have returned from their summer recess to take up residence in the all-new Lair 4.0; by delivering a dose of revitalised vigor, they aspire to redeem this atrophying podcast. We kick off an essentially themeless episode with a belated and brief E3 chat, covering their handpicked highlights: Xbox Scarlett, Watch Dogs: Legion, Gods & Monsters, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2, The Outer Worlds, Hollow Knight: Silksong, Control, Elden Ring, and the breathtaking Cyberpunk 2077 revelations; they welcome the Fellowship’s newest Headcrab to the world, make at least 2 American football references, and Thom recounts the grotesque indulgences of The Gallery at Odeon Cinemas. The buttery buds also talk about Sonic Mania, Guacamelee, Predator: Hunting Grounds, Inside, Undertale, Hunt: Showdown, Tetris Royale, Wreckfest, Harry Potter: Wizards Unite, Dune II, and the recently announced Nintendo Switch Lite; we of course reveal the winner of the Alien vs. Pinball Community Challenge, there’s a Sensi Soaks segment that is inundated with innuendo, and Ross drops a huge bombshell while explaining his Rocksmith challenge. Blistery bops include Ross upstrumming and Thom becoming decadent.

In the 45th and a half part of the podcast that comes mostly once a month, mostly, our sufferers of space madness set out on an elongated lark through the multimedia associated with Aliens not aliens; the extraterrestrial extroverts expatiate extensively by examining all of the games associated with the Alien franchise, the cartoons and toy lines, and the feature-length movies including the 6 fan-made shorts that were released to mark such a momentous milestone. During this tolerance test our xenophobic Xenomorphs mention NERD Fright Fest, Goldeneye, Detective Pikachu, Conan Exiles, H.R. Giger, Mighty Max and Polly Pocket, Ridley Scott and James Cameron, Predator vision, Peter Mayhew, Dark Horse Comics, and we receive a message from The Gaming Times; we pilot a revamped Correspondence segment, propose our Alien game concept, and we debate the unethical techniques movie directors employ that allow them to capture the genuine terror of actors. Before slipping back into their cryostasis chambers until July, the Camberwell Carrots talk about Korn, jackfruit and seitan, Conan O’Brien, TCP, Lana Del Ray, carveries, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Xen politics, Winona Ryder, and we analyse the alternate Alien 3 script; we provide our ideas for Xenomorph variants, inaugurate a new member into the Fellowship, and we close the show with an appropriately themed Ross’ Playlist. Substandard anecdotes include Thom steering a stricken ship, Simon double concentrating and Ross being allergic to Pokémon.

Fellow facehuggers, you are formally invited to hound our hostile hosts through this 40th anniversary appreciation of the birth of the most iconic sci-fi horror franchise of all time; the first act features the quarter pumpers paying a passing visit to Lair 2.0 to play three games set in the Alien universe: Alien vs. Predator arcade, Alien 3 on the Mega Drive, and Aliens arcade. Our chestbursters are then accompanied in their airlocked abyss by Simon to discuss Travel Man, My Dad Wrote a Porno, Fried Green Tomatoes, Super Meat Boy Forever, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, the Claw technique, Black Summer, and football game commentary; we reveal the winner of this month’s Falling Ballz Community Challenge, we proposition our Frisco fans, and share our opinions on the controversy surrounding the Epic Games Store. The predatory panel also ponder upon Cilla Black, rubber ducks, Des Lynam, deep baths, Ringo Starr, the watershed, Miranda Richardson, Chilean miners, and Gary Lineker; we deliver an update on the Talented Few in an unstable Sensi Soaks update, drop a selection of ageing memes, and Ross reveals his new and almost unbelievable gaming technique. Pubic topiary includes Ross using his mind meld, Thom confusing tenses and Simon comparing himself to Headcrab royalty.

The second part of this riotous rite is fundamentally flooded by a roughly relevant Gonarch’s Player, which features Ross and Thom playing three retro games: Chuckie egg, Rabbit Punch, and Super 3D Noah’s Ark. The troubling troika creatively cram the remaining recording with discussions about Headspace, Clint Mansell, Sexy Parodius, Tommy Walsh, submariners, Rag’n’Bone Man, Family Fortunes, James Bond, Baileys, and various Chris Evans productions; we decide on how we would like our carcasses to be disposed of, ask our listeners to answer a hypothetical question involving a daft genie, and our most elusive Headcrab suggests a theme for episode 45. The blasphemous batch also talk about midwifery, turkey farming, hypnotism, spitting goats, fancy teacakes, polyglots, jigsaws, and milking cats; we debate the lack of funding in the creative arts sector, the annoyance of adopted misspellings, and Simon gives us a taster of his Jurassic Park stand-up routine. Beans on a plate include Thom creating a vortex, Simon rubbing the right way and Ross catapulting lambs.

The year has sprung spring, and witnessing a refreshing return to the season of rebirth has galvanised our enigmatic entertainers, who have endeavoured to qualify this questionable concoction as an Easter special for each and every elegant Eggcrab. We implore you to impetuously immerse yourselves in the inane incantation of three rabid rogues, for the initial part of this naturally nebulous episode as they discuss Jedi: Fallen Order, World War Z, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, Days Gone, WarioWare, Borderlands 3, and Google’s Stadia; we debate archaic infrastructure delaying technological advancements, rue the increasing difficulty of modern video games, and we reveal who dominated in Dumb Ways to Die for this month’s Community Challenge. Our unholy trinity also talk about Off Menu Podcast, Aladdin, Apple TV+, The Kid Who Would Be King, Disney+, Captain Marvel, Now TV, The Mandalorian, Werner Herzog, You vs. Wild, Greg Sestero, Our Planet, and the controversial porn passes; we recognise the common theme of pop music remixes featuring in movie trailers, accuse a disgraced footballer of causing the recent Notre-Dame catastrophe, and Ross provides a progress update on The Talented Few in a thrilling Sensi Soaks segment. Acrostic poems include Ross defragmenting, Thom dropping his machete and Simon reclaiming his sovereignty.

In the second part of this laborious limp, Ross and Thom play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators, and Decap Attack, while talking about Netflix’s War of the Worlds, stealth fries, Yogi Bear, Virgin Interactive Entertainment, Tarot Cards, Junior, Yellowstone National Park, and Jennifer Connolly; the producer recycles some leftover puns, we receive a message from El Chappo that could once and for all reveal their gender, and Thom recounts a story told as recently as the first part of episode 43. The toxic twosome also discuss turd nuggets, Auschwitz, close shaves, milkshakes, on-air arguments, and overlapping dogs; we see the welcome return of Ross’ Playlist, propose some new and controversial voting regulations, and we reveal the virus that is slowly killing planet Earth: humankind. Creepy clowns include Ross doffing his cap and Thom making a death call.

Welcome mummy’s boys and girls, to the joint mother's day and climate change special! The polluted pair were persuaded to pay tribute to all of those Gonarchs out there, whilst simultaneously highlighting the unseasonably warm weather we have experienced recently; the byproduct of their comeuppance is this, our most tenuously themed show to date. During this maternal meander we talk about Battlefield V’s Firestorm mode, Darksiders, Back 4 Blood, Nex Machina, Thunder Force, Tetris 99, and the NERD Retro Fayre; we decide which gaming related gift we would buy our mothers on their dedicated day, we lament the irritation of time sensitive assignments, and we acknowledge the original Battle Royale game. We also talk about Lord Lucan, Chlorofluorocarbons, This Time with Alan Partridge, Storm Gareth and Hannah, After Life, Judge Dredd, and Escher; we debate the rumoured acquisition of Take 2 by Sony, Ross gives us a dramatic Sensi Soaks update, and we announce the results of this month’s Community Challenge. Six-shooters include Thom having a cold realisation and Ross with a twinkle in his eye.

Grab the tissues and lotion in preparation for the second part of this impotent installment as, in tribute to the month of love-making, the damsels in distress reconvene in Lair 2.0 to play three topical games in a lust laden Gonarch’s Player: Sex Vixens From Space, Sex Olympics, and Sextimates. Following that floundering foreplay, our moist mates moan about Eurotrash, John Ronson, ASMR, PaymoneyWubby, The Ward, Paul Calf, glory holes, Pauline Calf, The Rats, Fonejacker, erotic aids and cures for hysteria, and the Kama Sutra; we ask if sex scenes in mainstream movies are at all necessary before sharing which are our favourites, we relent to the demands of our fans and bring back the Producer’s Puns, and we come close to resurrecting a joke from the banned gag archive. Submission sports include Ross suppressing memories and Thom’s promiscuous past.

Sexually suggestive salutations to you, our horny little Headcrabs, as you join our shriveled seducers in their most offensive episode to date: the highly anticipated sex games special. The first salacious slice of this gratuitous grind features our deviants devouring some candidly crass communications from our most provocative fans, before discussing Crackdown 3, RDR2 Gun Rush, Apex Legends, Space Megaforce, Transistor, Final Fight 3, Resident Evil 2, Half-Life VR, and the rumours of new Borderlands, Bioshock and Fable games; we debate the spate of developers parting company from publishers, gaming censorship being influenced by real-life crime, and Ross delivers a particularly sensual Sensi Soaks update. We also talk about Terry Crews, Ghost Stories, James Brown, Abducted in Plain Sight, Elvira, Nightflyers, Robert A. Heinlein, Sunderland ‘Til I Die, Amazon Echo, and The Life Bath podcast; we reveal the winners of this month’s Community Challenge, objectify women by comparing them to our favourite video game consoles, and we reference Total Recall on more than one occasion. Strawberry pies include Thom twitching and Ross requiring rewiring.

Our naughty boys bring this cathartic cruise to a close in the third and final part, by methodically meandering through a list of their favoured visual entertainment experiences of 2018, randomly ranked in a tranquil top ten before being shared with the listener in a generally gleeful groove; we reveal our patented method for dynamic media adsorption, one of the little helpers suffers from ‘residual cockney’, and we have a trademarked Gonarch’s Lair speed round. We also talk about Red Dead Redemption 2 Online, sabbaticals, Star Wars memes, marmalade, Richard Ayoade, Teräs Käsi, crime documentaries, and the Demetrious; we have clarification from our most decorated guest on our latest neologism, Ross tries to explain the abundance of porn spam in his PSN account, and we witness a genuine Christmas miracle. Love wands include Thom being the captain and Ross spinning the Christmas wheel of fortune.

In part two of this year’s serene seasonal sleigh ride, Thom and Kelly exploit a chance encounter by playing Lethal Weapon on the SNES for an exclusive edition of the Gonarch’s Player while talking about occasional candles, Jason and his Technicolour Dreamcoat, Buck’s Fizz, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, mulled wine, Legends of Tomorrow, and Philip Schofield; we share our experience of London’s Winter Wonderland, review Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds Live, and we shamelessly promote our guest’s lifestyle blog. Our familiar fellows deliver a message from an overly friendly superfan before talking about Prey, racy stationary, Mega Man X, Mental Health First Aid, sports injuries and treatment, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation; we begin planning 2019’s Halloween theme, Ross provides an update in the increasingly popular Sensible Soccer career segment, and we assign a nickname to last month’s Community Challenge winner. Stress containers include Kelly dropping a hint, Thom taking punitive action and Ross making a deposit.

Accompany our ardent anchors as they inaugurate the fourth annual Yuletide interlude before finding themselves confined in the discomfort of Lair 3.0, encumbered by the plastic carcasses of ancient console conflict, and constrained by a convivial keeper who coerces our comrades to contend with a trio of topical computer games. In part one of this blizzard of blisters the three wise men talk about the N.E.R.D. Challenge, RetroN HD, Raspberry Pi, Dan Houser, and Your Commodore or Commodore Format magazine; we reveal the winner of this month’s overwhelmingly popular Community Challenge, collectively design a new festive banana butt plug, and our hosts make plans to take a Christmas trip together. During our placid plod we also discuss pantomimes, Sting, Fray Bentos, David Bowie, piss bottles, Mike Patton, bath bombs, Mr. Plow and leotards; we debate the death of the high street, exchange some Xmas presents, and we confirm our Brexit strategies. Mucus membranes include Retro Mikey saving Christmas, Ross sitting on lips and Thom licking vermin.

Obey and consume the second chapter of this composed compendium, as our damned deviants directly assault the audience’s audio processors with passionate parlance; temporarily escaping their excruciating existence to exchange chatter, chronicling the many games and movies John Carpenter has been credited for partaking in the creation of whilst discussing Rowdy Roddy Piper, Goblin, The Norm MacDonald Show, Ubre Blanca, Dario Argento, War of the Worlds Live, Between Two Ferns, Buckethead, J.C’s Anthology tour, and SNES drunk; we tackle horror movie tropes and parodies, debate the superiority of practical effects over CGI, and make a callback to Ross’ emergency ChapStick. We also mention screensavers, martial arts, tactical espionage, The Cumberland Arms, 4K restorations, Vaseline, and autoerotica; we share the concept of a Tremorian Hero, mock the PC Master Race, and Ross gives us a much needed Sensible Soccer career update. Ripping yarns include Thom’s fencing response and Ross running out of gum.

Life commences in crisis for our middle-aged masters of mayhem, as they grudgingly gather for a John Carpenter special; being one of the most versatile visionaries in the entertainment industry, and a personal hero of ours, J.C. has earned an entire episode devoted to his profusely prolific production. In this troubled trip our useless slashers discuss South Shield’s Drive-In Cinema, Rainbow Six: Siege censorship, The Quiet Place, Dead Cells, Slayer, Red Dead Redemption 2 reactions, Covert podcast, and North East Retro Den’s Halloween Retro Game Day; the Producer’s puns feature in a return to Lair 2.0 for a J.C. themed Gonarch’s Player, and we reveal the winner of this month’s Community Challenge. We also talk about John Saxon, Location Services, John Inman, speed dating, Franz Ferdinand, Skrillex, On the Buses, Skynet, and androgenetic alopecia; Ross shares an illness themed playlist, we create a new crime fighting duo, and make another desperate plea for sponsorship. Pregnant pauses include Ross breaking a record and Thom liberating damsels.

Raise your hackles and bear your teeth for a rough start to the third and final part of this rabid ramble, as our comical clan wearily rally to review every werewolf themed TV show, movie, and video game while discussing Stephen King, ellipsoid graphics, Alice Cooper, the Best Makeup Academy Award, Adult Swim, and our favourite transformation scenes; there are some dynamic puns, Ross shares his 13 Tracks of Spookdom playlist, and Simon tests our host’s knowledge with a typically tricky topical quiz. We also talk about Moby, watchmakers, Test Icicles, storm Callum, Nazi eagles, and we provide a Sensible Soccer career update; we read an email from Chris ‘Wolfman’ Dubz, learn about the tale of Peter Stumpp, and welcome the return of Ross’ Spotlight. Parting gifts include Thom eating himself, Simon sinking his teeth into it and Ross getting promoted.

In part second of three our cursed company continue their punitive prowl through this lycan laden instalment by playing Werewolf: Last Warrior on the NES, while covering all the recent gaming news including the Battlefield V open beta, Black Ops 4, Red Dead Redemption 2 hype, Nioh, Streets of Rage 4, Dead Cells, World War Z, cross-play, the PlayStation Classic, and THQ Nordic’s acquisition spree; we ponder on Microsoft’s reveal of Xbox All Access, the concept of game influencer credit, and the upcoming Diablo, Alan Wake, and The Witcher TV shows. We also talk about Modest Pelican, phobias, Nathalie Ek, horse testicles, conspiracies, and clairvoyants; we read an email from a local retro gaming guru, enjoy some liquid refreshment courtesy of Black Storm Brewery, and we recap a recent event hosted by North East Retro Den. Tiger wolfs include Simon besting a foe, Ross reciting poetry and Thom demanding credit.

Happy Howl-O-Ween dear Headcrabs, take shelter this frightful night with our hirsute harem in their dog-eared den and witness our third annual abominable abortion; this year we turn our attention to werewolves, delving deeply into the origin of the legend including how one becomes, cures, or kills these canine catastrophes. In the first part of this bumper bestial batch the pestilent pack discuss Apostle, Platinum Trophies, The Haunting of Hill House, Anders Breivik, Maniac, and one of the Chris Evans; we reveal the winner of the Spike City Community Challenge, belatedly celebrate our 3rd anniversary, and we thank a returning guest for his overwhelming commitment to the show. We also talk about Dave Lombardo, ‘freak shows’, Romulus and Remus, Communion wafers, Dave Grohl’s Jägerbombs, and seasonal t-shirts; we sample various Halloween treats, do our best howls, and one of the presenters undergoes a remarkable metamorphosis. Silver bullets include Ross getting the beans above the frank, Thom being a Mexican wolf boy and Simon contacting his future self.

The atmosphere gets oppressively stifling in the second leg of this underwhelming wander, as our paltry pairing exhume repressed memories of the most disappointing games that they have ever played. We also chat about gardening, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice, false advertising, Kane Hodder, roadworks, H.P. Lovecraft, parkour, See No Evil, malaria, Peter Molyneux, and Brexit; we read out the longest piece of fan mail received to date, debate the eradication of exclusive titles, and we perform a unique version of the Spider-Man theme. Dubstep champions include Thom foreshadowing and Ross hyperventilating.

Good luck listener, you’ll need it as our confounding cohort convenes to face the friendly flames of Lair 2.0 with hubris, hopeful that this month’s audio discharge will be practically palatable; the theme is disappointment but don’t allow that to obscure your unworthy wonted enthusiasm for the show, Ross and Thom once again deliver a decent dose of patented tangents and obscure obscenities in an increasingly caustic climate. During this trivial trek we discuss The Orville, DayZ, Dark Tourist, No Man’s Sky NEXT, Stath Lets Flats, Vigor, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and we receive a rebuking email from our biggest fan; we play two questionable versions of our favourite arcade games as part of a rebranding exercise, and we reveal who persevered long enough to become the victor in the QWOP Community Challenge. We also talk about Manowar, unofficial merchandise, John Carpenter live, mix tapes, The Presidents of the United States of America, Spanish City, and David Soul; we welcome a new member into the Gonarch’s Lair team, provide a Sensible Soccer career update, and we generally get overly hot and particularly bothered.   Weird weekends include Ross buying that for a dollar and Thom earning his meat and two veg.

In the second part of this uncongenial union, our world-class singles sail away on a sea of E3 scoops, scrutinising the roster of titles that were announced or teased at the most contentious of all the annual gaming expositions. We also talk about lactose intolerance, glam rock, Skol lager, Skylanders, Elijah Wood, and fisheye lens cameras; a former guest remotely examines our psyche, Ross shares his Fallout playlist, and we sample coffee provided by our new favourite local café. Home blends include Ross being telepathic and Thom towelling up.

Howdy Headcrabs, come on in and have a nice day whilst consuming the first slice of our potentially offensive American Independence Day special; listen as the perspiring spouses, fresh from their summer sabbatical, endeavour to rejuvenate the Gonarch’s Lair franchise with an absolute banger of an episode. During this chaotic congress we discuss Wrekfest, Red Faction Guerilla Re-Mars-tered, Earthfall, God of War, Historyline, Salt and Sanctuary, Retro Relish II, and the controversial Friday the 13th licensing lawsuit; our putrid pilgrims play two retro games that are loosely linked with the good old U.S. of A., and we reveal the winner of the Tiny Striker Community Challenge. We also talk about Bruce Springsteen, Death Valley, heatwaves and fever dreams, One-Punch Man, Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing, and Belgian comics; we recommend podcasts that we have recently discovered, debate the benefits of drinking our own waste products, and we read out messages sent in by two genuine fans from opposite sides of the pond, Bath antics include Thom sucking rocks and Ross tickling ass.