The Messy Recovery Podcast

Recovery is supposed to make you better… so why can it feel like you’re getting worse?One year into recovery, I’ve learned that healing isn’t always the relief I thought it would be. Sometimes it’s exhaustion, uncomfortable body changes, bloating, food thoughts, anxiety, grief, and wondering if you made the right decision by choosing recovery in the first place.In this episode, I’m talking about the part of recovery nobody really prepares you for when you’re doing everything you’re “supposed” to do, but you still don’t feel like yourself.Because recovery isn’t always about feeling better right away. Sometimes it’s about getting through the uncomfortable part long enough to eventually have a life that feels better than the one your eating disorder gave you.

One year all in. 🤍I thought recovery would have a finish line. I thought by one year I’d feel completely comfortable in my body, have all the answers, and finally feel “normal” again.The reality has been so much messier.This episode is the most honest look at what one year of all-in recovery has actually taught me , about food, extreme hunger, rest, body changes, fear, comparison, control, and learning to trust a body I spent years fighting.

Somewhere along the way, 1,200 calories became the “perfect” amount for women to eat. It’s on meal plans, TikTok, diet apps, and everywhere in between, but who decided 1,200 calories was enough?In this episode, we’re breaking down what your body is actually using energy for every single day, from your brain, heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, hormones, immune system, muscles, digestion, temperature regulation, and basic cellular function to everything you do on top of simply staying alive.We’re also talking about why eating more doesn’t automatically mean overeating, why hunger isn’t something you need to “beat,” how exercise changes energy needs, and why 1,200 calories can be especially dangerous when you’re coming from restriction or an eating disorder.Because your body doesn’t only need energy when you’re working out.It needs energy because you’re alive.And maybe the goal was never supposed to be figuring out how little we can eat and still function.

Recovering from an eating disorder while everyone around you is dieting, losing weight, counting calories, taking weight-loss medications, and celebrating getting smaller is fucking hard.It’s hard watching other people shrink while your body is changing in the opposite direction. It’s hard not to compare. It’s hard when a part of you feels jealous, even though you know you don’t actually want your eating disorder back. And it’s hard constantly questioning whether you’re really doing the right thing.This episode is about the jealousy, comparison, grief, fear, anger, and loneliness that can come with recovering in a world that constantly tells us that smaller is better.Because sometimes the hardest part of recovery isn’t choosing recovery.It’s choosing recovery while everyone else is choosing to shrink.

I know my eating disorder was hurting me. I know I wasn’t healthy. I know recovery was necessary.And yet… sometimes I still miss the body I had when I was sick.I miss how small I felt. I miss recognizing myself in pictures. I miss clothes fitting the way they used to. And sometimes I feel guilty for even admitting that.This episode is about the part of recovery that doesn’t get talked about enough: grieving your ED body while knowing you can never go back to it.Because missing the way your body looked doesn’t mean you miss the disorder. It doesn’t mean you want to be sick again. And it doesn’t mean you’re failing at recovery.Sometimes you can be incredibly grateful that you chose recovery and still be heartbroken over what you lost along the way.

Starting all-in recovery was the best decision I’ve ever made, but it was also so much harder than I expected.In this episode, I’m sharing everything I wish someone had told me before I started. From the physical changes and emotional roller coaster to learning how to trust a body that feels completely unfamiliar, this is the conversation I needed when I was terrified to let go of control.If you’re thinking about going all in, just starting recovery, or you’re deep in the messy middle wondering if you’re doing something wrong, this episode is for you.You’re not failing. Recovery is hard because healing is hard. And you don’t have to go through it feeling alone.

Everyone talks about the moment you finally start eating again, but almost no one talks about what comes after.In this episode, we’re diving into the phase of recovery that can feel the most confusing—the months after nutrition has improved, when you expected to feel better, but your body and mind are still healing. We’ll explore why recovery doesn’t end with eating more, how the nervous system slowly learns that it’s safe again, why hormones and digestion take time to regulate, what ongoing physical changes can look like, and why emotional healing often lags behind physical recovery.

We’re constantly told to eat “clean,” hit our protein goals, avoid processed foods, and optimize our health. But what happens when healthy habits slowly turn into an obsession?In this episode, I share my personal experience with how the pursuit of health gradually became anything but healthy. We talk about the rise of wellness culture, the unrealistic standards social media promotes, and how algorithms can normalize food rules, body obsession, and disordered behaviors without us even realizing it.If you’ve ever felt guilty for eating a cookie, believed you had to earn your food, or found yourself comparing your plate to someone else’s on Instagram or TikTok, this conversation is for you.

I downloaded Noom because I wanted to become healthier. I wanted to feel better, have more energy, and finally feel confident in my body.I never thought I was starting a cycle that would eventually take me years to undo.This episode is not about blaming one program or one decision. It’s about looking back at the small moments where “being healthy” slowly turned into restriction, obsession, and losing trust with my own body.I didn’t wake up one day with an eating disorder. It happened little by little — through things that were praised, encouraged, and even celebrated.This is my Noom story.

I wanted to make this episode because I’ve gotten asked this question a lot. Why did I recover without medical supervision?The truth is, it wasn’t because I thought I knew better or because I think everyone should do the same. It was just the decision I made, and I wanted to share why.I talk about what was going through my head, the fears I had, and what it was actually like trying to recover when I didn’t have someone telling me what was normal. There were so many moments where I thought I was doing everything wrong, but I kept going anyway.This isn’t me telling anyone how they should recover. It’s just my experience, and maybe if you’ve ever felt scared, confused, or really alone in recovery, you’ll feel a little less alone after listening.

What actually happens to your body and brain during an eating disorder? Why does food become an obsession? Why does recovery take so much longer than most people expect?In this episode, I’m breaking down the science behind eating disorders and recovery in a way that’s easy to understand. We’ll talk about how starvation changes the brain, why your body adapts the way it does, what happens to your hormones, metabolism, heart, and bones, and why recovery is about so much more than gaining weight.Whether you’re struggling yourself, supporting someone you love, or simply want to better understand eating disorders, this episode separates myths from facts and explains the biology behind what so many people experience. My hope is that you’ll leave with a better understanding of why recovery is so hard, and why your body has never been working against you. It’s been trying to keep you alive all along.

Please ignore my dog whining in the background, she wanted to go outside and play!I thought recovery would be hard, but I didn’t expect it to look like this.Nobody prepared me for the grief of living in a body that feels unfamiliar, the frustration of doing everything “right” and still feeling stuck, or the loneliness of watching other people’s recovery journeys seem so much simpler than my own. In this episode, I’m talking about the gap between what we expect recovery to be and what it can actually feel like, the physical discomfort, body changes, uncertainty, comparison, and emotional exhaustion that often don’t get talked about enough.TikTok- Abbie’sRecovery

Everyone talks about deciding to recover. Everyone talks about extreme hunger. But almost nobody talks about what happens when you’re months into recovery and still don’t feel like yourself.In this episode, I’m sharing the messy middle of eating disorder recovery, the part where the excitement wears off and you’re left navigating body image struggles, physical discomfort, grief, comparison, loneliness, and the fear that maybe recovery isn’t “working” fast enough. What do you do when your body is still changing, you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror, and you’re exhausted from waiting to feel better?This isn’t a before-and-after success story wrapped up with a perfect ending. It’s an honest conversation from someone who’s still in it. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re the only one struggling in the middle of recovery, this episode is for you. You are not alone in asking hard questions, grieving what you’ve lost, and trying to trust the process before you have proof of where it’s leading.

When I first started recovery, I had questions constantly running through my head. Was I gaining too fast? Would the extreme hunger ever stop? Why did I feel so uncomfortable in my body? Was recovery even working?In this episode, I’m sharing the biggest questions I asked throughout my recovery journey and answering them from the perspective of someone who has now moved through many of those difficult stages. If you’re in the messy middle, struggling with body changes, extreme hunger, swelling, overshoot, or simply wondering if you’re doing recovery “right,” this episode is for you.I hope this conversation gives you the reassurance I needed when I was asking these same questions every day.

Everyone talks about the beginning of recovery and the freedom that’s supposed to come later. Nobody really talks about the middle. The part where you’re eating, gaining weight, doing everything you’re supposed to do, but still struggling. The part where your body feels unfamiliar, your clothes fit differently, your confidence feels gone, and you’re trying not to panic every time you catch your reflection.In this episode, I’m talking about the messy middle of eating disorder recovery—the stage where you’re no longer actively sick, but you don’t quite feel recovered either. We’ll talk about weight restoration, body image, extreme hunger, fluid retention, identity loss, comparison, and what it’s like to keep showing up when recovery feels harder than anyone prepared you for.If you’re in that uncomfortable in-between phase where you feel stuck, frustrated, scared, or alone, this episode is for you. Because the messy middle is real, and it’s something more people need to talk about.TikTok- https://www.tiktok.com/@abbiesjourney1?_r=1&_t=ZT-96t3cOE9Dsj

In this episode, I’m talking about one of the most overwhelming and misunderstood parts of eating disorder recovery: extreme hunger. The kind of hunger that can make you feel terrified, out of control, confused, guilty, and convinced something is wrong with you.We’re diving into the reality of what extreme hunger actually is, why it happens, why it can continue even after weight restoration, and why your body is not “broken” for asking for more food. I also talk about the emotional side of recovery — the body changes, fluid retention, fear of weight gain, mental hunger, and the uncomfortable middle phase that nobody prepares you for.This episode is for anyone who feels stuck between wanting recovery and panicking over what recovery is doing to their body. If you’ve ever wondered:* “Will this ever stop?”* “Am I developing BED?”* “Why am I still hungry?”* “Why does my body feel so unfamiliar?”* “Why does recovery feel harder before it feels better?”…you are not alone.We’ll also talk about the science behind post-starvation hyperphagia/extreme hunger, the body’s healing process, and why honoring your hunger is not failure — it’s survival and repair. Recovery is messy, uncomfortable, emotional, and deeply misunderstood, but your body is trying to protect you, not punish you.

In this episode i explore my experience with under eating symptoms, and the symptoms of going all in. I explore the fatigue, being cold 24/7, hair loss, rapid extreme edema, and why I still choose recovery every day.

In this episode i talk about my journey during my restriction, and overexercising journey, and the damage it took not only on my body, but my life.