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It's All My Fault — 512 episodes
There's tons of other $#!% to get to anyway.
I'm really that stupidly simple. Honestly!
Never give up on yourself.
If you ask the universe how you can help, the universe will respond.
I sure do have some crazy ass thoughts!
That's when the world starts to make sense.
Maybe you're the main character!
Those aren't women they're #&%@! actresses!
Let's do the next one together. Okay? Bye.
We'll see how far off the rails that one goes.
...you feeling good about this? Yeah. Yeah.
I guess that was ironic. Pause!
Feel better. Ok? Alright bye. Bye.
Now go do something better with your life.
I say why?
I love my life. I love it.
Up to the challenge I am.
I don't know... you lose something in there don't ya?
I love you Em. Happy birthday!
Oooh do I like getting breakfast made for me.
Oh my god I love my neighbors!
You wanna talk about chop suey... hmmm?
Here at number 490 I'm ready to take a break.
We do not need to take this any further.
There is meat on that bone.
That's why I have a felony.
Which is why I'm stopping this now.
Happy Mother's Day mom!
That's how bad I am.
Now, now we need money.
... only be better.
Obviously it drives me a little crazy.
Because he's certainly going to hell.
Because apparently you have nothing further to add.
But it's March 29th. There's your hint.
If that's not the greatest finish ever... well ...what is?
I seriously wonder... who the hell are you?
From a postcard point of view, well... it's f'n great!
Unfortunately it would be. That's the truth.
... government by lottery.
Every body in a human meat suit is worth it.
Let's all lose some files ...huh?
... well, no more coming for us.
The universe you're sharing is truly wonderful.
Sometimes being a human sucks.
But I also believe that you're here to do the same.
Over an hour of me talking?!?!? {anguish} That's gotta be terrible!
... but you have to believe in a better world like the rest of us! {discordance}
Get lost in deep thought.
Not this one. That one.
Why ain't you showin' it?
And that, my friends, is all I've got to give.
Russian mob bosses? I like it!
Somewhere, in there, is today's "lie of the day".
... just ridiculous. Spaghettios!
It's like science doesn't even exist on this planet!
Or you might not.
... might come to have a new meaning for you.
He sells fake boobs and regret.
She's just like that.
... and for that, I say happy birthday to you.
Not that I want to die... but you know what I mean.
People who don't give a damn one way or another.
... come together and face it as one.
Yeah, that's what I should think cuz that's a much better thought.
It's time to fly birdy. Fly! Fly! Fly!
There's always a shower. Who cares how dirty we get?
Longform, monotonous, tedious af conversation.
All other thought is loaded with bias... and most of it is yours.
What do I do? I guess I hit pause...
To me that looks like we're playing not to lose.
And nobody wanted that... did they?
... I just can't figure out which one.
Imagine a better world I will, hopefully with you!
You must be a special person. And probably one I should never meet.
The birds... they've got me figured out.
That which builds our knowledge of everyth... Thing!
At least as far as religion is concerned.
Just because something is available to be done, doesn't mean it has to be done.
... can't find purpose and destiny if that's how you're going.
Believe in your soul and you'll find it.
I like being weird.
How you gonna be? That's my big contribution to humanity.
I don't know man... you might not be grown up.
Wow. Wow! I didn't even know this stuff could do that!
Is there a better note than 91% isopropyl alcohol? No there isn't.
Crazy or not I'm a better person for it.
I can't even imagine how great it could be!
Part of me probably deserves this. NOT all of me! But part of me.
Well frankly ... I can't wait to get the #@$÷! off this planet. Ya know what I mean?
... that isn't a lesson, that's, in fact, a law of nature.
... coming at you from my parents' basement ... so ...there's that.
America is definitely ready for a monkey wrench...
Thank you big man god! You're the best!
At least not here in Denver.
It's at least possible!
It may be enough to get them through a lifetime.
That will have been one helluva successful day!
So... I'm no longer a feminist but I'm still angry.
... at a minimum ... we all do.
The universe doesn't give a bigger gift than that one.
This $#@!% probably is for you. To be honest.
I'm here to blow that cloud right out of the sky
That is very much not like me.
I get a little nauseous on that Tilt-A-Whirl.
On to bigger and better things. (purrpurrpurr)
Haven't we? I know I have.
Hell, that's less than you have to give the Loch Ness Monster.
That seems stupid even for me.
%&@# no! Do you know what my life is like? Apparently not...
...of that I am certain.
Yep, that still scares me... just as much as it did six minutes ago.
That, my friends, is one thing humans got right!
I'll just leave it alone.
Are you kidding me? No. I'm not kidding.
You'll be way ahead of me, that's for sure.
Just because I liked that ending. Just like you!
What I don't get is why we aren't stopping them.
I don't really see why I'd be out there doing anything else.
I'm not the only one at fault.
Simple equals fantastic! That's how it goes!
I don't know if society does need you.
Anybody care about this? No? Good. Then I'm leaving. Bye
Maybe this whole world gets better. Maybe not.
Technically, this is probably the loudest part.
When you think about a life that's worth living - that is!
Come on old man, stop complaining!
How does that sound for the least interesting movie you're gonna see this summer?
People are hard to meet face to face. It's true.
You certainly don't want me on the extreme... I know that.
I came to Earth to prove it. And I think... so did you!
In this case, I actually have some idea what I'm talking about.
No more pauses. This is where it stops.
Now, how are men gonna save themselves? That's a real question to ask... I guess.
I like learning things about myself. I just do.
...and some of this... isn't actually my fault.
It's time we all became better versions of ourselves. Today.
One night at a time, I am going to change this world. I promise you.
If this feels forced well guess what?
Or, are the limitations on your human experience self-imposed?
... the universe would sure love that!
You don't ask for permission to do the right thing. You just don't.
There's one way to fix that. Tell the truth.
Start being the other thing and I promise the universe will respond.
Something tells me I'm about to be a boyfriend.
... but that, that my friend, is what's up.
If you listened this far Spotify, that's why you're listening. But again, you shouldn't be listening to this.
All we want to do is make a better world. Just like you.
...and the messiah from the getgo? Well they ain't got that!
Ugh... I swore at the end?!?? I can't swear at the end!!
Don't worry. It'll all work out.
Dogs make life better. They always have.
We can all be better versions of ourselves, we just gotta try.
Ugh. What am i doing with my life?
We all have confidence in you. Especially me.
Probably not.
It's your job to do so.
It is your turn.
... because the world will love you back and the difference is amazing!
The community that is building back my respect for humanity.
Talk about somebody who should quit their jobs. It's you guys.
You go have a great day! I'm about to have one too!
I've got to go play some tennis.
In a life full of not many keepsakes... well, I do have one.
Weed does a mind good. Always.
It's too hot for anything other than temper tantrums.
I'm pretty high, so you decide.
This world can be better and it's up to me to make it so.
Somewhere, society let you down.
So again... [grrr] it's all my fault.
Once again, I felt a little preachy in this one.
Don't be listening to this podcast. Now you know why.
... I would share with the world.
Maybe you're not a man.
It's only together that we're gonna make this all work. Right?
It is my birthday after all.
We'll still go be angelic... what the hell.
I miss you Meghan!
...that is bull$#!+
Goodnight!
...that is the greatest compliment I have ever received.
That may be the worst possible life I can imagine.
If that's the situation... well that's going to be really interesting.
I should have known better.
It does it pretty well, I guess.
I hope, seriously, that you have something better to do with your life.
... well then finally, I'm what the world's looking for.
I'm not sure I would vote against it.
...playing on the computer... still?
Well, I'm neither... but I'm certainly more Carrot Top.
Would I even need to masturbate? Probably not.
I don't know if I can end it better than that.
...that's gathering in my mouth says these are going to be good!
...what the next thing is that happens in my life.
...stop listening. So, you're the best!
I gotta stop this thing now, right? Sorry Beth.
At least I know what my worst recording is.
I guess it's time to prove that.
Is shebang the thing?
Just leave it at that. Thanks for listening.
Playing it with purpose and destiny ... absolutely.
...get over it and start making a better world. It's literally that simple.
Okay buddy, whatever.
I don't know, you tell me.
The next one can't help but be better. Right?
Hopefully. Right?
I ask a lot. Anyway, so what do I know?
It says the forecast is sunny! I'll take that.
So here's the end of the episode. Download it if you want to.
Go adventuring I will. Go adventuring I will.
And, obviously, that matters to me.
So that's really why I quit my job.
Here it is, me on mushrooms watching 300. Enjoy!
Until our paths cross again. Kindly, Me
Even gods want to know what that's like.
You still got some figuring out to do.
No. Wallow I won't.
And I certainly haven't given up on myself.
Exactly what we deserve.
It may be your dream state that brings you back.
I'm going to find you.
Nobody should be listening to me for an hour.
I really do love you all.
Hard to say, hard...
It's time for me to save something.
It'll find me in a pair of Stegmanns.
OMG it's 33:33!
Where'd Sophia go now?
Yeah we can.
I am pretty full of myself these days.
... alright two. At least two.
... oh wow. Whoa. Pause.
She's the only one.
... until I can annoy the entire universe with my thoughts. Yeah.
A better world means all of us do better. Me included.
Now get on your side of the tent.
...maybe for the first time ever. But yeah.
Maybe. Maybe. Probably not.
Tranquility. Elevation. Simplicity. Calm. Yes.
If I know Lilly, they've got her in the bam-bam suit.
Hi-ho hi-ho it's off to work I go.
My intuition and I are in lock step. I hope yours is too.
I want to see a better universe for all of us.
You know me. I can't help myself.
...cuz here it is on my bedside table.
And for once this isn't about weed.
I kind of feel sorry for you. But I do love you.
Now bring out the Kracken!
Maybe a little bit of me thinks I do deserve that one.
Things are only looking up [fmmffm]...
I mean, it's the last question. We could just end it too.
Today could not be a better looking day.
Maybe these two aren't connected at all.
I guess this is a reason to get "super high". Right?
Fantastic's a pretty god damned good choice!
...aside from Farrah Fawcett. Who I guess kind of counts.
I mean... it does make it better.
One person at a time. One person at a time.
My mom probably would have just said "hell yeah it's good".
To have made myself the jester? Well what else is new?
... get your popcorn and let's chug some apple sauce. Whaddya say?
If that's what your Christmas was like, well, then I guess I'm happy for you!
Merry Christmas to all!
Me not showing up is the biggest Christmas gift of all.
If the world spills chocolate syrup on your shirt... well, you should lick it.
Believe me, when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!
How's yours been?
She'd be stressed like a son-of-a-gun. Just like the rest of us.
That's who fuk'n Nicole is.
Nobody wants to do that one alone ...do they?
Huh huh huh huh huh huh ... huh ... wait what?
While I'm nowhere near as cool as Snoop Dogg, I'm as cool as I need to be.
What could feel more purposeful in my life than that?
Happy holidays to you too!
If nothing else, life gave me this. And I appreciate it.
Now's a good time to shut my brain down.
I guess I'm okay if I'm the only one thinkin'.
... but don't take away my privacy. Said nobody ever.
Black widows are good. John is bad.
I'll be wondering... ugh, when will I be able to get some sleep?
How can I not end it on that happy note? Seriously??!?!
We don't know whose kids they are. They're ours. They're everybodys'!
...a topic I never ever thought would be discussed here!
Youth's where it's at!
... my love of isopropyl alcohol.
Oh, and to answer that question in my universe? My grass is not green.
Especially with mushrooms. Yahoo!! Uhhh... yeah.
Boy, does that ever sound like my destiny.
If that doesn't feel like America, I don't know what would.
Why the #%@&* am I always working so hard around here?
...and if it weren't for redundancy, I wouldn't be repetitive. Right?
Are you still here? Why??!?!?
Life finds a way. But somehow, I think, knowledge and truth... they may even find a bigger way.
Well... of course I folded. Wouldn't you?
Okay. That will do.
... when in fact, I don't even have the question.
There's got to be an easier way than this.
... make you rethink everything.
How you going to be?
Boy oh boy! Where's my pause button. Did it go away?
Sometimes, it's too much for me.
On paper, that's a big fat: "NO".
Well, yeah.
...profane-laced vulgarity. Of course they have. Of course they have.
We can't keep living to this standard ...can we?
But either way... right? There's no backwards "K".
Welcome to America. Welkome to Amerika.
Shall we just part on that note?
You owe it to yourself. Don't you?
That'd be a conversation to have behind the veil... wouldn't it?
What a joke the whole thing has been. You're welcome.
The universe has the best sense of humor of anyone I know.
If you knew that... you'd know everything there is to know in the universe.
That is not a Netflix series waiting to happen. I promise.
I'll take challenges and the rewards that come with it. Period.
Go be yourself! I'm tryin'... aren't we all?
That'd be pretty interesting... probably. Probably!
...wake my dog up and we could go for a walk.
Did I cut my own hair? Yeah... probably.
... that just might be the truest statement on this podcast ever.
Yeah. I think I can stop right there.
29. 29. Baby!
Even if it's not as glorious... as maybe you thought.
That's pretty well said.
How 'bout restart?
Should we all go fulfill our lives? Huh? Yeah.
Even Lilly. Especially Lilly.
Don't say it out loud, just imagine it.
...you listen to some of my worst stuff, huh?
It really is that simple.
You think it should exist, don't you?
... nothing but, pause ... unlistenable?
...and possibly "listening", if that's on the list.
%,#$+@!, I'm glad I'm depressed!
I'm actually a fan. Hmm, me too.
What kind of purpose are you finding?
...but it's weird to see you. As always.
Nobody's looking to see what disappointed you...
I think it's time you stopped listening, don't you?
Either I'm an NPC... or you are.
Does anyone want to be anything other than nice? No. We don't.
You'llHavemissed.thePoint!
We gotta expect more from ourselves.
I'm just kidding, I'm not THAT delusional.
John will be back to play another day.
You watch... more than you want.
It's good 2b back.
I promise it'll pay off
...and if the universe believes in it, well... I guess I do too.
Well, here's to being marijuana-free at 53. Who knew?
I've got too many that end in that same, silly way ...right?
What a waste. What a waste.
Is this really gonna be the third reset...?
Talk about something to look forward to... right?
I'm going to show you just exactly how much meaning there is
I'll always think "yeah, but Lilly can depend on me." That's it.
Worst ending ever...?
The only thing that can stop the suffering
It just doesn't have to be that way any more
Is that Eden? Or is that Hell? Hard to say... really.
The universe offers that. The question is, will you embrace it?
And that couldn't feel less human
Then this isn't my 150th episode
My book review of Beowulf. Imagine that!
... a lifelong friend. I'm sorry it's time to stop this one.
I think of you as one helluva human being!
... and that's not the first time...
If somebody'll give us a ride to the moon that'd be cool. I mean... really cool.
Watch how wonderful they are
This was one of those days. You know what? Hang on. Stop!
Canada...you know better right?
We're here to serve the greater good. We always have been.
I don't even know you so that was rude
That, and not to annoy my dog ... obviously.
Please don't let it be that thing up the nose
Thank-you Lauren Caitlin Upton. I look up to you.
...contrivances? Ha, ha, ha. I'd like to think so...
None of this is rehearsed. Right?
I'm ready. I mean...what else is there to say?
I'm a pretty boring guy, right kitty? Yeah.
There you go. End it with that.
Is that at least clear? For anybody listening?
Kindness, understanding and forgiveness. That's what I do.
That's not the kind of models I'm talking about
Maybe that's why I'm always late for work
Talkin' about it? That's nowhere near as good as doin' it.
I would relate to that too
I mean, if anything we're getting taller, right?
That is as optimistic as I can be. So there you go.
Everybody deserves a hug. Well, except the cat.
Such is human life...right?
I mean I'd be late...but not that late
Well that, and I've got to get some sleep
One that's got to take his dog for a walk, that's for sure.
Nope. Nope. That's the best.
I think I always will be
Sometimes it's hard to just do what you gotta do
I'm looking for truth, I'm looking for truth
Of that, I promise
I'm not willing to accept that any more
I think I just proved it this is it
Let's face it, I'm not
Sometimes...even I don't have the words
I'm here to help you the most
For once in my life I've worked out the right questions
John shut your mouth
We expect great things from all of you...yay me!
I'm proof of that
One of us needs to work out more
Missed the whole point of life
A big ol' bowl of cold oatmeal
Everything about being honest matters
You go fix the universe
That's really the only problem any of us can have
Gotta be kind gotta be kind
I'm not much of a planner
Probably got somethin' I've gotta do... right
I'll probably take this weekend off
Who ever thought this would be a conversation
Seems like I've said everything else right
To think this is the way you do it
All of us we matter the most
Just asleep on the couch
In which you'll never be disappointed
Oh yeah we like cookies
That's really all I'm about
I love you Phoebe
Oh my god I'm so sorry
I just wanted to share it with everybody else
Sooner or later it will all make sense
How much doubt would there be left in the world
If that's not a huggable moment I don't know what is
Can you give that to me
You just can't hurt people
It's time to start showing it
That's the worst of me
For once I got fired for the right reason
I will always be there for you in the end
Actually might be number one on the list
Not be as great as it sounds when you're thirteen
Nothing causes me more stress than my own reality
Tiger Woods even that tiger woods
Nah... nobody likes kitty not even Phoebe
To the stars quite literally (see comment)
How hard it can be to know when you're wrong
Oh but that red spot looks like it hurts
Knock on your neighbors' door and say hi I mean it
No there is never an exception to that
I miss u so come home
Right now that job's never been more important
My life was a piece of isht...when you look at it
Who could choose annihilation over that
Be happy in a universe full of starry rainbows
Let's figure out how to get everybody their share
And I hope you did too I really do
That leave us all knowing we're being lied to
Literally I should just quit working
You can't do it
Make it all work for all of us
A universe that's fair for all of us
Then I will have changed the universe
You represent the best among us
Exceptions to the rule that should be considered
I truly believe we can save the soul of humanity
There's a little crazy in all of us isn't there
The one I regret the most
Keepin' it all straight can sometimes be a challenge
Nobody's done less with more than that guy
That obviously and Diet Mountain Dew
Proud to be part of a human race that includes all of you
I didn't understand how much I loved being me
Unpause pause unpause pause
I don't think I was put on Earth to make sense
Small-step my way into work
Working at the meat counter ain't so bad
That is something I no longer will accept
Oh and yeah I did find my keys
Okay I've said enough I'll stop right there
Solve a lot of problems for you too
Eye dont eaveno wut im tokkin bout write
One of my biggest coincidental wins of all
More on the seventeenth of January
Go find your own heroes
I like superballs
I am who I am I even like spinach
I think that's twisted enough right
A world that makes us all feel worth living in
Solving the mystery that is the Mandela effect
They're two of the greatest people I know
Than that is there
For once in my life it's working
And that's my dad
All I did was disappoint myself
If I can't trust myself who can I trust
I'm one of the luckiest people alive
I don't expect to be wrong very often
I guess I'm mostly full of it right
Wander in there and have this conversation
For me that's the purpose of life
Do you not heed any of my warnings
You can count on me mom
It's late this should stop
We need to recover from within
That's how good the weed is
What's truly wrong with me
This universe, unfortunately, is entirely my fault.
This would be a big victory.
You'd think I'd stop talking to myself so much. But no...
I'm going to change the world.
I could have been every single one of you.
The problem in almost every situation was me.
I need some WD-40.