Fit Mind Chats

I got permission from my client to share an important revelation in her therapy. I will change all identifying information to protect her confidentiality, but the message was an important one to share. This is a client with a history of sexual abuse as a child. She has been working very hard to understand herself because she carries so much shame. She has many roles in her life, mother, wife, friend, daughter. She talked about what sounds like a very normal mother thought or feeling, she made a comment that she fears she is not a good caregiver at all because she feels a desire to run away when she feels forced or trapped in her caregiving. She talked about how she recently helped a friend and when she chooses to help someone she does not feel trapped or forced, but she often will feel forced or trapped in parenting. She said she is a bad mother and a bad person. (Shame) She said that she feels a very intense desire for flight. This becomes a different story when she talks about it using a lens of trauma. She originally narrated (bad mother, same based thinking). I asked her when she has felt forced and trapped before when she was young. What happened in my mind was when someone has a disproportionate reaction to a trigger, I think trauma trigger because it is the survival instinct that is being triggered (fight, flight, freeze or fawn). It is the forced and trapped feeling. Trauma triggers can be feelings which lead to triggering the amygdala and set into action the survival instinct. This lead to a revelation that shifted her thinking from “I’m a bad mom” to I am a mom who is parenting with a history of trauma and it was the feeling of trapped and force that leads me to want to run. Not her kids, not her parenting. This provided immense relief to her and then a clear path forward. We were able to talk about cognitively reframing to remind herself that she can always take a break and it was her choice to have children. This is to address the feeling of being trapped and forced. Today we dive into trauma, the somatic reactions, reframing and recovering. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Traditionally, we have linked enabling behavior to addiction. The spouse that sets the drink limits or tries to get rid of any booze they find around the house. They try to control the social events and feel that if they watch them closely enough they can prevent the person from getting “too drunk.” Or the spouse that allows the partner to drink only certain kinds of liquor because that seems to help. They rationalize that the person they love (when not intoxicated) is worth the treatment when their spouse is drunk- the arguments, the blackouts, the DUIs. This is how we traditionally see enabling behavior. Or the family member that bails out their addicted child, getting attorneys to fight charges or works to get them dropped altogether. All in an effort to prevent the person from feeling or facing the consequences of their actions. But there are other ways in which we can enable behavior and today, we talk about enabling- what it is, why someone would do it, and what to do to change it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Are you this person or do you have a friend that is a fit.The person that hooks up with an ex that treated them poorly to feel attractive and wanted by another person and needing this attention to feel desirable. They continue the cycle of hooking up with this person and the person is only using them.OrYou are or have a friend that bank rolls the relationship to have someone that might not date them otherwise but need to be seen with what they perceive as “hot” or “desirable” This person usually needs this validation to feel better about themselves and care a great deal about how others perceive them. They get the self esteem need met externally and struggle with internally feeling they are worthy.Both of these are hard to watch and as a friend can be painful. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

If attachment styles were text messages could you identify a person’s attachment style by their text messages? Which attachment is this? Secure, Avoidant/Dismissive, Disorganized/Fearful/Avoidant, Anxious/PreoccupiedBackground: you have been talking to a person on a dating app for a week.. Texting each day and feel there is interest. A date is set up with assurance this person will text you details. Days later Crickets….. No text no response to your textThe rapid fire one sentence texter that text each thought and you have 35 text messages in under 5 minutes…The cold text. We review several text styles and connect them with attachment style in today’s chat. Can you guess the attachment style?? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Now it’s my turn in the hot seat. I have no idea what Abbey is going to throw at me, which is exactly what therapy is like. Every hour you meet with someone and you have no idea what they will bring up, what happened in their life, what crisis they may have experienced and you have to be ready for anything. It’s a lot of fun and I’ll tell you that early on in my career, this part of the job contributed to my anxiety. I remember my mentor prophetically saying, I have heard it all, nothing surprises me anymore, and one day you will feel the same way. I can’t say that I’m never surprised, like the time a client tried to jump out of my window, then ran away with me hot on his tail. (Don’t worry, I called 911, ran around outside and was able to de-escalate before the EMS arrived)As a therapist, I do my best to understand mental health and specialize in certain areas, Trauma and couples are my two favorites. But, when you are working with someone, you may not realize that someone have substance misuse or an eating disorder and I will refer to someone else who specializes in that treatment. So, I don’t have all the answers and often will consult with Abbey or give Brian a call, or catch Kelly in between sessions. When you are are a green therapist, I will tell you that focusing on your own self regulation is always important part of therapy. We Co-regulate and if you are anxious- your client will feel it. (Mirror Neurons) But if you are operating with a regulated nervous system, they will co-regulate with you. So, no matter what anyone throws your way, take a deep breath, you don’t have to have all the answers, and listen. (This is easier said than done- sometimes you hear someone talk about hurting themselves or someone else and your nervous system may react).Today, I’m going to give you an insight into how and what I’m thinking before I give my therapeutic response. I wish I was that quick on my feel, like Abbey was during her Q&A to give you my humorous response when it’s appropriate, but I can’t promise I have anything witty to say. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

If you have been in a long term monogamous relationship, this chat is for you. If you are in a new relationship, your passion is high and you may have zero desire issues. In the beginning of a relationship, passion is high, intimacy and companionship are low. Over the course of a long term relationship, passion decreases and companionship and intimacy increase. For the couples out there who are struggling with their sexual relationship, don’t worry- you are in the majority on this one. What is actually “normal” is to have problems in the bedroom. In the minority are the people who are having sex like rabbits. Hopefully this is good news to you. You and your partner are not alone and there is hope.Most couples struggle with their sexual health and avoid talking about it. Even in a therapist’s office, this topic can feel too personal and far too sensitive to even broach with an experienced couple’s therapist. . I use to put the book, 50 Shades of Grey on my book shelf to help start the discussion of sex in my office. So my clients would look at me and say, why do you have that book on your shelf and I would say, it opens up discussion about sex. Early in my career this reflected my own discomfort around asking the question. But what I have learned is that what is happening inside the bedroom is analogous to what is happening outside the bedroom so it’s an important question to ask.People are often afraid to tell their fantasies, what hits their brakes and accelerators for desire what they like or dislike or would be interested in trying out of fear of hurting their partner. Sex is personal and can be handled with sensitivity to each person’s feelings in a nonjudgmental place to explore how to improve your sex life. But there are some myths that we have to debunk to get there. Today we are going to explore a few of those myths. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Today we are saying the quiet part out loud. In a therapy session our responses are thoughtful, supportive and therapeutic. However, we are human and also have initial thoughts that may not be helpful and need to switch gears and put our therapy hats on. Sarah is going to give me things her clients have said in session and I am going to respond with my initial reaction, therapeutic reaction and banter reaction using humor which I do in session when appropriate.An example is when a parent tells me their 14 year old still sleeps with them.Initial reaction: How big is your bed, does anyone sleep, do their friends know?Therapeutic reaction: It appears there is some anxiety about sleeping alone and this is something we can work on. It is important everyone is getting a good rest and I imagine it is hard when there is a teen in bed with you. We can do exposures to help with independent sleeping. If they do not perceive this as an issue translates into fear their kid will react negatively and they may have trauma about the transition period due to not having success in the past but it is very important to sleep independently. I will push on this because this should not be an option as an adult and will need to be addressed. I will validate them on admitting this bc usually people have embarrassment and shame about this. No judgment and it was a brave first step talking about it.Banter: Let’s cut the umbilical cord, sell me on how this is going to work when they are an adult, if you think at 18 this will end did you not think at every age this would be the year you get your bed back. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Relationship ambivalence defined by being stuck in a limbo with deciding if you should stay or leave a relationship. If you are a bff or family member looking in on a loved one’s relationship it may appear obvious they should leave. You hear all about the the lying, disrespect, lack of support from their partner and their overall dislike of their partner. You think writing on the wall they should leave. I know when my friends talk about their relationships I am on board to trash talk and personally hand over the divorce papers.However, it is not always that cut and dry and this is what we see in therapy and take a non-bias stance not the friend stance. There are many reasons people stay and we use pro/cons of the relationship and challenge when these are skewed and we also work with the person on whatever decision they make. The questions we are talking about today help make the decision should I stay or should I leave? Today we are asking research backed questions that help people get out of limbo and move forward in staying or leaving. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Does this sound familiar?My husband and I have been going through a rough patch for the last several years. There is no intimacy, I am not attracted to this person and at times can be repelled. We live together as room mates and sleep in separate bedrooms. I am responsible for the management of the house, child rearing(we are almost empty nesters) and I take care of his every need. I feel done but don’t want to leave. I am torn due to wanting a marriage, not a roommate, but cannot imagine life without him. When I try to talk about this he sees nothing wrong and thinks I am creating problems. He refuses couples counseling.And then there is only silence in the home. You have stopped asking, screaming, crying for what you need. You have given up and you are don’t know if it’s “bad enough” to go. So many people will say that their partner is not a “bad person” and that they don’t have it that bad, there is no abuse physically, maybe emotionally neglectful, but is that “bad” enough to go. . Saying this you feel like most people would walk but it is much harder to do that and you are not sure you want to leave. I had a husband come in and say, I don’t know what she wants, she’s never happy, or nags me constantly.Or maybe your spouse drinks everyday and every time you hear a beer pop open you have a somatic response. Has this become your norm to walk on eggshells in your house, put airpods in to avoid hearing the opening of beers, stay outside the home as much as you can to avoid him and bite your tongue when you are home because you do not want to trigger a tirade. Or they pass out early on couch, do not help with the night time routines, but denies this is a problem. Maybe you notice the increase in alcohol use, they are more argumentative but does not remember the fight. So you are left with so many unresolved arguments that take place during a black out. So many people are wondering when is enough enough? Is there anything left to fight for? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

We spend our childhood trying to fit inMiddle school prepared us for many things —mainly the lifelong experience of wondering‘Do these people actually like me?’”In our twenties we are trying to find our people after college when we had friends by proximityOur forties we are friends with our kid’s friends parents or if no kids then people in your group that do not have kidsIn the 50s/60s/70s loneliness isn’t about being alone — it’s about realizing everyone else has plans that end at 8pm.Loneliness is a common topic in therapy. Connection to others is important to some, many seek it out and have no idea how to get it throughout the lifespan. This is a common issue that comes into our office. How do we find joy and build connections to reduce feelings of loneliness? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

You finally decide to take the leap of faith and find a therapist. You may walk into the session nervous and worried, being vulnerable isn’t easy. You do your best to pick a therapist who’s bio matches you or maybe you got a recommendation from a trusted source. Hoping that this will be a good fit. Maybe you fear that the therapist is actually judging you or worry if they like you. You may wonder, what does she or he expect of me??? Well, today we are talking about what therapists wish their clients knew. We asked our therapists here at FIt Mind and we are going to talk through their responses. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Have you ever found yourself doing favors and not realizing they are big favors and the person asking has a history of putting tasks on you but framing it as something you enjoy doing. They make you feel special and like you are a great friend or partner. They play on your ego to get their needs met. You are giving them a free pass and feeling altruistic about it. One day it clicks and you realize this person does the bare minimum in our relationship. Why am I eager to take on their problems or obligations? If you confront this person or say no then the victim playing comes out and another manipulation starts to make you the bad guy. This is done effortlessly and you walk away feeling crazy like you your feelings are not valid and it is you that is the problem.Last week’s podcast identified the 6 types of narcissist and this week we talk about the survivors of these relationships. Tips on how to survive, set silent boundaries and validate your experience reinforcing you are not crazy or the bad guy. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Sound familiar, write a list of all your contacts does this track?(1 and 6 people are Narcissist) Grandiosity, arrogance, no empathy. They are entitled and more special than anyone else, excessive need for admiration, they do not know what matters to them, they are driven by admiration. Emotionally shallow, self centered, do not notice other people’s experience. They gaslight, emotionally manipulative, passive aggressive, prone to betrayal, make promises that they will not keep (keeps people around) shift blame to others even when they are caught in the act. They blame others, they withhold from others, dominate people, get the last word, will not take responsibility, lie, cheat, neglectful and careless in relationships. They can remember all the important things of their boss- how is your daughter doing, how was her play, then come home and forget that it’s their anniversary. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Today we are switching gears and doing a case consult. We have been breaking down the over achievers, the over productive but under feelers and today we are going to look at a case of under functioning. The people that are stuck in the freeze and have difficulty motivating. A case of a patient thriving and over achieving to under achieving and doing the bare minimum.Today our case study is an adolescent male late teens. A parent that has used love and logic parenting style. This patient was independent and needed little to no prompts to complete daily chores, schoolwork and daily task. A kid that went with the flow has a high IQ, good grades, funny, easy going, a very likable young man coming from a 2 parent household with an active social life, no substance abuse history or mental health diagnosis.Sounds easy until it was not a switch flipped and motivation to complete work decreased, agitation increased, defiance increased and the parents did not recognize this kid. Should they continue the Love & Logic parenting style, is it depression and do the parents need to switch gears and be more active or allow natural consequences to unravel his last 13 years of school high gpa to plummeting gpa when stakes are high with college admittances and scholarships at stake.How do they best support their son and what is best for him? How do we support the parents through this process bc it is painful. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Parenting these days is challenging, it’s hard. You have a baby and there is no user manual in sight. They let you leave the hospital as long as you have an infant car seat. That’s it. You’re on your own from there. And if you are anything like me, I worry about being a good enough parent. Am I being too hard on my child? Am I not being hard enough? WIll they leave childhood with any discernable skills? WIll they be emotionally healthy? What if they aren’t? What if they fail?? (and down the rabbit hole we go) That rabbit hole of fears. ANd speaking of rabbit holes, what kind of parent are you? Tiger mom? Helicopter mom? Lawnmower mom? Gentle parenting mom? Authoritative, authoritarian…..and then your head explodes because it can feel so overwhelming. Today we look at a parenting situation a good friend of mine called me about. SHe has graciously allowed me to use it for today’s chat. THanks shan, or as I affectionately call her, Digit. So, get comfy and join today’s chat, called Learning the Hard Way: Parenting/adulting stories. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

The title of the show today is Resentment is my Love Language. We are talking about resentment. What it is? Why do we continue to do things to build resentment? If any of these sound familiar or you can relate today it is your show. When researching this show these were some potential titles. Can you relate to any of these? “How to build resentment in 10 easy favors”Do you say “I’m fine.” when you are not fine but seethingResentment: the emotion that sends invoices. This is the you owe me if I do thisSaying yes, meaning no.Resentful but polite. People pleasing with a side rageSaying yes, feeling mad.Too nice, too madSmiling on the outside, raging on the insideQuietly furiousLow grade rageIf any of these resonate with you this is your episode. If you are ever angry and don’t know why could it be built up resentment? Let’s explore this concept.Thanks for reading Fit Mind Chats! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

Today we are circling back to a quote by Brene Brown “Crazy-Busy is a great way to stay numb . What a lot of us do is that we stay so busy, and so out in front of our life that the truth of how we are feeling can’t catch up.”We ask the question of why might we do this and what can we do to become more connected to ourselves. If we don’t pay attention to ourselves, who suffers? We do, our kids because we teach them that emotions are not expressed, our friends, our spouses, really any relationship because we cannot have emotional depth or intimacy. How can anyone get to know us if we don’t know us.I have a lot of clients who avoid almost any negative emotion, they have a small window of tolerance for negative emotions. Feelings like- disappointment, rejections, sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, alienation, to name but a few- this leads to a disconnection from self. You cannot avoid your feelings or thoughts. They just sit there and build and build and build. Until one day you blow. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com

This week on Fit Mind Chats we talk about the unrealistic pressure we put on New Year New You resolutions. Who is dictating what you need to change, what was not good enough last year and who is setting your bar for success? If the answer is anyone but you how do we change it to you setting your bar for 2026. We explore connecting productivity with success, staying busy to stay numb, doing things due to comparison and fear of being judged. Get rid of the shoulds and explore what brings you joy with no judgement. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit abbeysamide.substack.com