Black and White and Gold

We are throwing it back to a 3-part series we originally recorded at the beginning of season 1, revisiting the conversation, woven into this season about individual and relationship growth. This is part 2 of the 3 episodes. There’s a lot of discussion about relationships and vulnerability, but it seems that men have a bit of a bad rap in this particular arena. But what does culture AND the women in their lives have to do with it? Let’s chat about whether or not we want men to even BE vulnerable, and if so, how do we encourage it?SHOW NOTES:Brene Brown’s TEDx talk about shame:https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/emasculationhttps://www.huffpost.com/entry/violence-against-women_b_1959746https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/18slkug/thoughts_on_the_word_emasculate/https://onbeing.org/blog/jonathan-p-higgins-what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/13/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man-reader-responses#:~:text=I%20can%20cook%2C%20clean%2C%20buy,more%20open%20and%20fulfilling%20fashionhttps://www.themix.org.uk/your-body/mens-health/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man-in-2018-29605.html#:~:text=It%20means%20not%20being%20afraid,and%20uplifting%20those%20around%20you.%E2%80%9Dhttps://www.utdailybeacon.com/opinion/columns/making-of-man-what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-man/article_1a9f5836-2068-11ec-abd1-f3615d73f13d.htmlhttps://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/byusq/vol45/iss3/1/#:~:text=Most%20Mormons%20have%20heard%20of,from%20the%20effects%20of%20exposurehttps://brycox.com/lds/BryCox-SweetwaterRescue.pdfhttps://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3783&context=byusqFollow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguysThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

We are throwing it back to a 3-part series we originally recorded at the beginning of season 1, revisiting the conversation, woven into this season about individual and relationship growth. In this episode, we explore the unwritten social norms that govern men's interactions with other humans, alongside a deep dive into vulnerability, friendship, and emotional intimacy among men. We unpack how societal expectations shape behavior and how breaking these norms can transform relationships.This episode underscores how societal norms influence men's behavior in both public and private contexts and encourages embracing vulnerability to foster authentic relationships. We challenge the stereotype that strength means emotional stoicism and advocate for a culture of openness, support, and vulnerability to strengthen our communities. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, Carly introduces her innovative ‘Irreversible Spiral’ framework, a powerful tool for understanding personal and relational growth through paradigm shifts and choices. She discusses how recognizing these shifts can lead to greater agency and healthier relationships.For more info on working with The Irreversible Spiral, reach out to Carly on her website carlyallred.com, or through Instagram at @wildravenbreathwork. Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguysThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Understanding the balance between our inner and outer worlds is crucial. We often think of sacred marriage as just a union between two people, but the capacity to relate well with others starts deeply inside the individual.As we work toward this inner balance, we can bring that whole self into our relationships. Imagine being able to hold space for someone else’s differences while still remaining true to yourself. Not only is it possible, it’s necessary for deep intimacy.The real magic is in the dance of differentiation, where we can connect deeply without losing who we are. What are your thoughts on this balance? We’d love to hear!Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguysThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Taking a break from the series we started because a conversation was alive in us the day we recorded. We discuss relationship dynamics, specifically within a religious framing, when pornography is part of the story. This episode explores the complex relationship between purity culture, sexuality, pornography, and religious frameworks. Carly and Rob discuss historical perspectives, cultural influences, and the impact of religious teachings on perceptions of sexuality and addiction. It’s a wild ride…you ready?This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Instagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This episode explores the concept of sacred marriage as introduced by Carl Jung, focusing on internal integration and individuation. It discusses the union of masculine and feminine energies within oneself, the symbolism across cultures, and practical insights for personal wholeness.Because sometimes us Western peeps need eastern philosophy reframed before we can hear it or understand it. This is not new—this is ancient understanding taught from a psychological framing that is essential to further emotional growth. Follow us on the socials:@blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguysThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

As humans, we both want to be in deep connection AND own ourselves. The balance can be precarious. This episode helps walk us through some ways to get there individually and then as a couple. As discussed in the episode, this practice below can be super beneficial when you hit a rough patch to repair the intentional and unintentional damage caused through miscommunication. Rupture-and-Repair Ritual A Guided Couple Practice:Use this after the storm has passed — not in the middle of it. Sit facing each other, feet on the floor, phones away. Take three slow breaths together before you begin. * The Cooldown Check-In — Each person answers: "On a scale of 1–10, how regulated do I feel? What does my body need before I can really be here?" If either person is below a 5, pause. Take what you need — water, a walk, five minutes alone, then come back. * Uninterrupted Witness — (5–7 min each) One person speaks, the other listens — no sighs, no nods that are really disagreements. When the speaker finishes, the listener reflects back what they heard — not a rebuttal, just: “What I heard is….”Then switch. Consider the following phrases:"During the argument, my body felt ___” “I noticed [tight chest / shutdown / heat in my face / the urge to leave].”“The story I told myself was ___.”“What I actually needed was ___.”“What I'm still carrying is ___." * Accountability Without Collapse — Real accountability is neither over-apology nor deflection; it's clarity. Don't perform remorse you don't feel, and don't minimize to protect yourself. After both people speak, sit in silence for a moment. Let it land."My part in this was ___.””I can see how [the tone I used / the way I shut down / what I said] felt/sounded like ___ for you.” “That wasn't what I wanted to create between us."* The Reach — One person extends their hand — palm up and open as an offering. Not as a grab, simply extending. The other places their hand in it, or says: "I'm not quite there — give me a moment." The first hand stays open and waiting, allowing the patience to help feed the repair. Close with something that feels good to the two of you, such as a phrase, gesture, familiar touch, something.End with each partner completing the sentence "What I want you to know right now is ___." More information on working with Carly: wildraven.carlyallred.comFind us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguysThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, we explore the vital concepts of differentiation and boundaries in relationships, even getting into the nitty-gritty of what healthy boundaries do and don’t look like. We discuss how maintaining a healthy sense of self, effective boundary setting, and understanding different relationship dynamics can foster healthier, more collaborative connections across all types of relationships. Because you know you want better connections. Links to resources mentioned: wildraven.carlyallred.com Find us on Instagram at @blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Let’s talk about the CNN article, Gisele Pelicot, and Man v Bear all in one two-part convo. Oh, and we’ll wrap in what the regular human person can do about any of it.Sound good? Yeah…it’s rough, but it’s necessary. If we want a different reality, we’re gonna have to be part of the solution.Let’s go!Our Instagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguysAccounts we recommend you follow:instagram.com/professor_neil ( Professor Neil )instagram.com/thespeechprof ( Professor Chesko )instagram.com/pinkpillrx ( PinkpillRx )instagram.com/evolutionarymeninstagram.com/heybrotherjohnnyinstagram.com/realjonjacobs ( Jonathan Jacobs )instagram.com/streetlighteyesdontdie ( Andrew Bailey )instagram.com/mens.relationship.therapist ( Jeremy Mohler )instagram.com/jimmy_on_relationshipsinstagram.com/marriageishappeningThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Let’s talk about the CNN article, Gisele Pelicot, and Man v Bear all in one two-part convo. Oh, and we’ll wrap in what the regular human person can do about any of it. Sound good? Yeah…it’s rough, but it’s necessary. If we want a different reality, we’re gonna have to be part of the solution. Let’s go!Our Instagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguys Accounts we recommend you follow:instagram.com/professor_neil ( Professor Neil )instagram.com/thespeechprof ( Professor Chesko )instagram.com/pinkpillrx ( PinkpillRx )instagram.com/evolutionarymen instagram.com/heybrotherjohnny instagram.com/realjonjacobs ( Jonathan Jacobs )instagram.com/streetlighteyesdontdie ( Andrew Bailey )instagram.com/mens.relationship.therapist ( Jeremy Mohler )instagram.com/jimmy_on_relationships instagram.com/marriageishappening This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This episode explores the deep-rooted stories and identities that influence our behavior, relationships, and self-perception. Carly and Rob discuss how loyalty to old stories can hinder growth and how to consciously shift these narratives for a more authentic life.Key topics:* Loyalty to old stories and identities* Shadow work and shadow questions* Family, religious, and cultural conditioning* How stories influence behavior and relationships* Steps to shift from old scripts to authentic selfJoin us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold | @greatsexforgoodguys | @wildravenbreathwork This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This episode explores shadow work in relationships, focusing on how understanding and working through shadows like shame, jealousy, anger, and control can deepen intimacy and promote healthier connections. We share personal stories, practical tools, and insights on emotional regulation, vulnerability, and authentic communication. Because what fun is a relationship if we’re operating in fear or shame all the time?Referenced in the episode are 6 Principles of Healthy Sexuality, and shared here:* Consent: Sexual interactions should be rooted in mutual agreement and respect.* Safety: Protecting against STIs and unwanted pregnancies.* Non-exploitation: Engaging in sexual activities without the threat of consequences.* Honesty: Open communication about sexual health, desires, and experiences.* Shared values: Respecting and valuing the sexual health of all partners.* Pleasure: Ensuring sexual experiences are satisfying and enjoyable for all parties.These principles serve as a lifelong guide to improving and maintaining sexual health, emphasizing the importance of consent, safety, and respect in all sexual interactions.Learn more about these principles here: https://sexualhealthalliance.com/nymphomedia-blog/the-six-sexual-health-principlesThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Join us on Instagram:@blackandwhiteandgold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguys Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Have you met my friend Sara? She’s a gem, and has a lot of wisdom and experience to share. Find her at Sara Johnson and on Instagram.This bonus episode was just what I needed, even though it had me sobbing for a good portion of it—both whilst recording and whilst editing. Love you all. Thanks for being here.Find us on Instagram:@blackandwhiteandgold @greatsexforgoodguys @wildravenbreathwork Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

There are parts of our identity that we like, and some that we don’t like, and some of both are habits we’ve created that are sneakily keeping us from growth.Let’s talk about it.The shadow work journal Rob uses: click hereShadow Questions asked at the end of the episode:What are some of the unconscious contracts that you’ve been living by? And who wrote them? What were the terms? Did you ever actually agree to them, or did you just assume them? Find some unconscious contracts in your life, whether it has to do with your life, your body, your relationships, success at work, et cetera. What have you been hoping that those would fix about you? What would that mean if it never did? If you could make one conscious choice today, something that you choose from alignment rather than habit, what would it be? FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM:@blackandwhiteandgold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Join us as we talk through how to help you work on your relationship as a separate entity. Because partnership looks a lot like two people choosing to do life together, but then our inner child runs the show when the stakes are high. How to we move through that? Let’s figure it out together.Questions we ask toward the end of the episode. We recommend at a minimum journaling on these questions and talking with your partner about them. Consider doing this with takeout, on a date in a place you love.What does stress look like in my body? What does stress look like in my behavior?What do I tend to need when I’m stressed? Is it space, closeness, words, touch?What’s my go-to move in conflict? Do I pursue? Do I withdraw? Do I Freeze? What does it feel like when I don’t feel safe with my partner?What does it feel like when I do feel safe with my partner?What’s one thing your partner could do or say that would help you feel safer when activated?Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it.The Gottman InstituteEpisode with Steven ThatcherEverything Isn’t Terrible book by Kathleen SmithInstagram handles: @blackandwhiteandgold, @wildravenbreathwork, @greatsexforgoodguys Learn more about EMERGE group-coaching + retreat with Carly Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

We all have a wounded inner-child somewhere, and we find them by noticing our triggers—the things that make us so fired up—specifically when our emotional response feels a little bit over-the-top. Today, we chat about what that means for us—and how we can use it to grow the eff up instead of just stewing and re-creating toxic habits. Because you’re better that that. Inner-Child Hypnotherapy/Meditation - Use code “BWG” for 75% offwildRAVEN Somatic Breathwork - Use code “BWG” for 75% offFind us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold, @wildravenbreathwork, @greatsexforgoodguys Learn more about EMERGE group-coaching + retreat with Carly Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

When your connection to your partner feels threatened, what does it feel like in your body? What kind of messages do you tell yourself when that connection feels threatened? Is that story actually true?What are you willing to do in order to work through any of those struggles to maintain a healthy connection with your partner?When we (Carly and Rob) started to recognize the way that our patterns were messaging to each other, versus what we were actually trying to communicate to each other, were very different conversations than we had intended, we can start to collaborate and actually communicate.This has changed the dynamic of our relationship in only positive ways, and only became possible because we’re starting to understand ourselves better. Attachment Style QuizFind us on Instagram: Black and White and Gold | @wildravenbreathwork | @greatsexforgoodguysLearn more about the EMERGE group-coaching container + retreat: https://wildraven.carlyallred.com/emerge Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Setting the stage a bit to help us understand some basic needs we have and how our minds can process info and experiences. When we understand what is happening with a more expanded view, we can see things that help ground us and get us through complex issues. In this conversation, we overlay Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with Carl Jung’s Ego/Shadow/Self to untangle some of the ways we just respond based on an unmet need, because that’s what humans normally do. When we have a different vantage point and can see more of the big picture, we can learn to work with and through stimulating experiences, rather than reacting to them unconsciously. Follow us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold, @wildravenbreathwork, @greatsexforgoodguysValerie Hamaker (referenced within) Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Season 4 is here to build something better. Personal relationship with yourself first, THEN intimate relationship with others. Let’s do this together!Instagram: Black and White and Gold @wildravenbreathwork @greatsexforgoodguys This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

A bit of a wrap-up to tie the loose ends as much as we can in this insanely robust topic. Stick around for Season 4 after the new year, and have the best holiday season you’re able! We’ll be around on the interwebs here on Substack, as well as on Instagram. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

We hear about the “toxic masculine” all the time, and directly attribute the Alpha Bro poison to patriarchal society, but we don’t often talk about the toxic feminine unless we’re just flat out making fun of women…which continues to engrain the problem.In the world of cinema, few films resonate as profoundly as Mean Girls, a comedic exploration of the complexities of high school life and the sneaky dynamics of underdeveloped female relationships. In this blog post, we dissect the feminist themes embedded within the movie, particularly focusing on archetypes of toxic femininity that are ever-present in our society today. Join us as we delve into these characters and their implications on women’s roles and behaviors.Toxic femininity, much like its male counterpart, can manifest in various ways, often leading women to adopt behaviors that undermine their authenticity and self-worth. In our discussion, we highlight how this concept is underrepresented compared to toxic masculinity, yet it plays a significant role in shaping women’s experiences and interactions.In our episode, we discussed how some women choose to play along with the patriarchal structures in place, believing they cannot (or should not) change the system. This resignation can manifest in various ways, from over-accommodating behavior to avoiding conflict. The characters discussed here serve as an example of the internal and external conflicts women face when trying to navigate such dynamics.Join us in the chat or on Instagram to keep talking about this topic. We’d love your insights!Header image via LetterboxdThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

SummaryIn this episode, we explore the themes of patriarchy and feminism, discussing the need for egalitarianism in society. We discuss practical ways to decenter male perspectives in relationships in order to create space for equality. Come join us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Feminism is so broad, sometimes we caricature the whole movement and then steer clear. This episode is intended to continue our conversation the last two weeks about what feminism is and how it presents and impacts the world.Today, we dive into understanding how different types of feminism, as well as different manifestations of oppression affect people in ways that can’t easily be addressed from one angle. Did you learn something? Let’s chat about it!Join us on Instagram: Black and White and Gold Or join the chat:This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This conversation delves into the multifaceted nature of feminism, exploring its various waves and types, including liberal, radical, socialist, and cultural feminism. The hosts discuss the historical context, key figures, and the importance of intersectionality in understanding women's rights and gender equality. They emphasize that feminism is not a singular movement but a complex interplay of ideas and experiences that seek to address the oppression of women in different societal contexts.Join us in conversation on Substack, or on Instagram at https://instagram.com/blackandwhiteandgold Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

I grew up knowing that there was little to nothing I could do that would be worse than being a “Feminist.”But once I learned more about what that word meant, and how much I was benefitting in my life from all my feminist foremothers, it was obviously a place I needed to be.The more I learn about history, the more I understand the way that opposing forces are what shapes society, and an individual's environment in that society plays a major role in how they understand the forces outside their immediate vicinity. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Some people will look at all of this (gestures to the whole world) and say, “Gee…looks like patriarchy is everywhere, that must mean God meant it to be that way.”But friends, we’re a little smarter than that by now, yes? Let’s look closer at some other options, today, particularly talking about matriarchies. What are they? Where are they? When are they? Get the point? Let’s discuss and see how and when the “opposite” of patriarchy exists and existed in the world and see what we can find. Find us on Instagram: @blackandwhiteandgoldThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Though what we call “Purity Culture” has tentacles in many generations, it seems to have a significantly deep effect on younger the Gen-X and Millennial generations. Purity Rings and pledges, Daddy-Daughter balls, girls being taught by church leaders that they were “walking pornography,” and thousands of other examples of teachings ingrained into the minds of children and youth have an effect…and if you’re taking mental health into consideration, the fruits are not great. In this episode we talk with The Christian Sex Educator, Carlie Palmer-Webb, who spends her time educating fellow Christians on sex…something most Christians have shockingly limited knowledge around. Listen in…she’s pretty wise. Carlie’s website: https://thechristiansexeducator.com/Carlie’s instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thechristiansexeducatorThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

We don’t want to talk about such a painful topic without offering help to heal. This episode is all about that. We also mention stickers. You can shop stickers (and all sorts of other things!) on Carly’s website. Shadow questions for healing:What parts of yourself have you been told are too much?What parts of yourself have you been told are not enough? Where have you silenced your voice because you were afraid of being shamed or judged? What parts of yourself have you kept hidden to stay safe or be accepted? Where have you adopted a one-up position to avoid feeling shame, but lost connection or authenticity in doing so? How might you begin to practice “same as” in your close relationships? What are some ways that you have silenced your voice? How can you reclaim those silenced voices? Join us on Instagram.This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This conversation is split in two parts. The first discusses how one of the greatest harms of patriarchy is that it forces us to split from our own selves. The second, how we can work to repair that split to heal. Join us next week for the second piece!Be warned, we don’t mince words: this is a harmful system that benefits many of us on some level, but does more harm in the process. We discuss the silencing of voices, the internalization of patriarchal norms, and the importance of reclaiming one’s inner voice. We can’t wait to hear what you think. Join us on InstagramHave thoughts on this conversation? We love to hear them!This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This conversation was so fun to have two self-proclaimed “nice guys” talking about how living up to the standard set in a patriarchal society has both helped them and hurt them. Steve has even transitioned into the life coaching space, primarily helping men from a similar background and mindset to navigate their relationships. Steve's Website: stevethatchercoaching.comThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Ah, the double-standard. The way the double-standards play out in a patriarchy are part of the reason we still uphold it. Because…let’s be honest…everyone benefits somehow. I know, I know…that’s not what we want to hear, and maybe there are things I’m missing (spoiler alert: there definitely are), but there are ways people of all genders benefit from a patriarchal system. It just prioritizes men. and further than that, a very particular type of man—what is that type of man, you ask? It depends on the location and time we are discussing. *cough* *cough* Because it’s made up. *cough*But, I digress…let’s get in to it, shall we? Let’s chat about double standards!Join us on Instagram @blackandwhiteandgoldThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

EDIT: Rebecca’s new book, Raising Trans Kids: What to Expect When You Weren’t Expecting This is available to purchase. You can also purchase/donate through her website (linked below), with the option of purchasing to donate to a family or community in need. We also recommend you ask your local library to purchase a copy for community use (I did this morning, and it took be about 3 minutes to request, and about an hour for them to confirm the purchase is in the works…Mid-Columbia Libraries in Tri-Cities, WA will have a copy in circulation!). Let’s be really clear here: we are starting with a framing that LGBTQ+ individuals have a right to exist…as they are. We would love for you to play with this idea with us as we talk about how patriarchy impacts this particular demographic. One of the best ways to learn about our own biases is to be in open communication and proximity with others who don’t share our views. We would love to continue the conversation in the chat and on Instagram.In this episode, we interview Rebecca Minor LICSW (she/they—bio below), who has a wealth of information and insights as this population is one she knows well. From working with families of transgender folks, to facilitating support communities for queer individuals, she has a breadth of knowledge most of us can only guess at. So…instead of doing that, let’s learn from someone who’s got the firsthand (and second-, and third-, and more…) experience and knowledge of what helps, what hurts, and what we’re still figuring out. Rebecca Minor, LICSW, is a queer clinician, consultant, and educator specializing in the intersection of trauma, gender, and sexuality. As a gender specialist, Rebecca partners with trans and gender nonconforming youth through their journey of becoming and serves as a guide to their parents in affirming it. She has authored articles on LGBTQ+ youth, contributed to textbooks, and is frequently quoted as an expert on gender-affirming care. Rebecca is the founder of Prism Therapy Collective, where the approach is always trauma-informed and neurodiversity-affirming. Her internationally recognized consulting and parent coaching work supports organizations, schools, and businesses in building cultural responsiveness and inclusivity. She also leads bi+ (in)visibility, a community for bi+ people navigating their queer identity in the context of a straight-presenting relationship. Rebecca is an adjunct faculty member and lecturer at Boston University School of Social Work, and the author of the forthcoming book Raising Trans Kids: What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting This (Row House, 2025).Website: www.genderspecialist.comInstagram: @gender.specialistFacebook: Rebecca Minor LICSWLinkedIn: Rebecca Minor, LICSWThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Join us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/blackandwhiteandgold Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Flipping the tables on Carly this time…Rob asks all the questions without any heads-up on what they are. This is a raw, emotional take on that current moment of Carly’s story as she begins to see patriarchal structures for what they are—and how that changed literally everything. For those who grew up being taught a more egalitarian way, it may be foreign to see how some of us struggle to understand the dynamics…but when you have never seen or heard of other options, it’s nearly impossible to feel like there’s any other way, and the emotional gaslighting (often by your own self) is intense. Has this been a situation you’ve experienced? We’d love to hear about it!Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/blackandwhiteandgold Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

I had it in my mind that I wanted to interview Valerie Hamaker of Latter Day Struggles, but was torn between talking about faith crisis for Season 2, or patriarchy for Season 3. When she offered to meet with us in the wake of their resignation from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I knew it needed to be about patriarchy…as it’s fingers were all over their story, and the faith crisis/transition narrative tells itself. Valerie is a brilliant and humble woman with deep love for the faith heritage we all share, and we were so excited and honored to have the opportunity to talk with her. We highly recommend listening to her other episodes/series on patriarchy on her website. * Instagram: https://instagram.com/latterdaystrugglespodcast* Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/valeriehamakerlatterdaystrugglespodcast* Website: https://valeriehamaker.com/ * Find her courses, how to work with her, sign up for her extra podcasts, newsletter, etc. * Scroll to the bottom to see links to different podcast topic series they’ve discussedbell hooks The Will to ChangeBreaking Down Patriarchy episode that discusses how to be an anti-patriarchist. This episode spurred many conversations in our own home, but also was the impetus for Valerie and Nathan’s series about how patriarchy harms men. This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Did the Barbie movie make you angry? Cringe? Did you think it was funny, but not at all a message? Were you even willing to watch it? We’d love to hear your take on it! Join us in the chat…This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Season 3 is here!In this episode, we delve into the complex topic of patriarchy, exploring its definitions, manifestations, and implications in society. We discuss the importance of understanding patriarchy not just as a system that is inherent to benefits men, but as a structure that can be harmful to all genders. The conversation highlights the need for self-reflection and engagement in discussions about gender roles, representation, and the impact of patriarchal systems on individuals and communities. We set the stage for a deeper exploration of these themes throughout the season.Join us on Instagram or join the chat on Substack! Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, we dive into the intricate tapestry of family dynamics and religious expectations with Carly’s cousin-in-law (that’s a thing…promise), Abbie. Abbie shares her personal journey of navigating her upbringing within the church, the challenges of balancing personal beliefs with familial expectations, and the profound impact these experiences have had on her family life. Join us as we explore the complexities of faith, identity, and the courage it takes to forge one's own path. This episode is a testament to the power of storytelling and the resilience found in embracing one's truth.Through the conversation, Carly, Rob, and Abbie discuss Abbie's journey through faith, family, and personal growth. They explore the complexities of growing up in the church, the challenges of navigating expectations in marriage, integrating expectations when starting and joining a family, and the importance of storytelling in healing. Abbie shares her experiences of questioning experiences related to church during her teenage years, the impact of her mother's illness on their church attendance, and the beauty found in both pain and joy. The conversation highlights the gray areas of belief and the significance of finding one's own path in spirituality. In this conversation, Abbie, Rob, and Carly explore the complexities of navigating faith transitions, particularly within the context of Mormonism (specifically as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). They discuss the challenges of having difficult conversations with loved ones, the importance of creating support systems, and the healing that can come from open dialogue. Abbie shares her personal journey of investigation and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies leaving a faith. They emphasize the need for compassion and understanding in conversations about spirituality and the diverse paths individuals take in their spiritual journeys.Season two starts in August, and we are so excited to share these new topics with you! Please like, share, comment, rate, and review wherever you end up listening. Thanks for being here!Find us on InstagramThis Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Our last episode of the official Season 2! We will be back again with weekly episodes starting on August 7.We are looking to interview experts in the different aspects of patriarchal systems…know someone? Send them our info. We’d love to chat!This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.LDS Faith Crisis Report PDF (complete)Includes the graphs we reference throughout:* GRAPH 1: Faith Crisis Stages (from the report linked above):* GRAPH 2: Cycle of Disaffection (from report linked above)Join the Substack ChatFind us on Instagram Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

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SummaryIn this conversation, Trevor McGinty shares his journey of faith transition, detailing his upbringing in the church, experiences during his mission, and the challenges faced in his marriage and family life. He discusses the complexities of church leadership interactions, the expectations of church involvement, and the personal struggles that led to questioning his faith and the church's history. Trevor's story highlights the importance of personal growth, community, and the search for integrity in his faith journey. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

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As we sat down with Emilie and Ashlie, it was like talking to old friends. Never mind that Emilie and Carly grew up in the same valley at the same time, several parts of all of our stories had intersecting points. In this conversation, we explore the intersection of personal growth, faith, and LGBTQ+ experiences. We discuss navigating relationships within the church and the evolution of understanding faith, highlighting how spirituality can be deeply personal and subjective. Ultimately, we find we all are advocates for love, acceptance, and the importance of creating safe spaces for all individuals. We discuss the challenges of publicly questioning faith and share personal experiences and insights on navigating these transitions, emphasizing the need for open dialogue and connection among individuals facing similar struggles.We’d love to know what you think! Show notes:That’s Church on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thatschurchpodcast/That’s Church on Apple Podcasts: That’s Church on Spotify: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/thatschurch/Ashlie’s account, The Nuanced Mormon, on Instagram: https://instagram.com/the_nuanced_mormonThanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

This conversation explores a conversation with Jason and Jennifer Shelton, our old neighbors. Jason grew up in the Jehovah's Witness faith and later left it, fell into addiction, and has emerged on the other side living a sober, family-filled, loving life. They discuss the challenges of growing up in a high-expectation religion, including the impact of shunning, the struggle for personal identity paired with the deep desire to maintain family relationships, and the journey towards sobriety and mental health. The Sheltons reflect on their family dynamics, the emotional toll of leaving the faith, and the misconceptions surrounding those who choose to leave. Their story highlights the importance of connection, understanding, and personal growth after leaving a restrictive belief system.Can you relate to their story? Join the FREE subscriber chat here: Join us on instagram: @blackandwhiteandgold Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

In this enlightening conversation, Jess Lee shares her journey of ancestral connection and spiritual identity, transitioning from her upbringing in the LDS faith to embracing a pagan belief system. The discussion explores the nuances of genealogy versus ancestral work, the importance of honoring one's ancestors, and the challenges of generational healing. Jess emphasizes the need for open communication and understanding in navigating faith transitions, while also celebrating the beauty of cultural diversity and the shared human experience of seeking connection and peace.Jess’s Instagram: @rootandspirit Find us online as well: @blackandwhiteandgoldThanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Instagram: @theradicaltruthteller Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

My experience with Jess began in 2006 when I met and taught her as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It’s been a wild ride ever since (and for Jess, before that, obv). But dang. This woman and her magic and power is incredible. Can’t wait to learn what you think about Jess’s story!Learn about Friendship House:www.thfriendshiphouse.org Follow Jess on Instagram Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Part 2 of 2 with Kylee MollotteIt’s easy to armchair quarterback someone else’s life. But how often do we consider what it actually looks like to be in their shoes?Maybe we should try a bit harder in that space. K, love your buns.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

Imagine growing up in an idyllic small town, with cousins and siblings aplenty, then you grow up, move out, marry to an NFL player, and settle down in a brand new house in a perfect neighborhood, where by all appearances, you have the perfect life.What could possibly go wrong? Turns out a lot, when your whole identity is based on a lie. Find out in this episode what happens when Kylee finally comes out to herself and the way she coped as her marriage crumbled and she was left with rubble.Stick around for part 2 next week!Also…she’s a genius when it comes to finances, you should check her out:Annuity Fundamentals What do you think about this episode? We’d love your thoughts!Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe

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Norma Thomas’s story weaves in all the layers of duality, creating the most beautiful mix of everything, which is apropos for this woman. She is a force of nature, and her story is continually unfolding. Thanks for reading! This post is public so feel free to share it.Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. Get full access to Black and White and Gold at blackandwhiteandgold.substack.com/subscribe