My Fictional Diary

Saturday, November 13th, 2021 Katy and I went to see Reggie Watts last night at Dynasty Typewriter. She got to meet him in the hall when she went to the bathroom.Sara June opened and she did a bit where she pretended to be the moon. As the moon, she was tired of everyone blaming her for their problems. She had us read cards with all of the nice things you could say about the moon instead, “Let us dance in worship of her!”“See, it’s not that hard!” She exclaimed.I am the moon.After the show, we went to Idle Hour where we felt like mice in a barrel. It was a cool spot – I love going out and seeing so many young people! A guy told me my blazer brought him joy.I watched Katy down a burger. I know I need to eat, my stomach is growling, but I’m not hungry – I have no appetite.We came back to the house and even though Katy had an early flight to catch, we stayed up later than we had in a long time; we didn’t want the night to end. I listened to Katy play along to music videos on the TV with the ukulele she got me for my birthday.Joffrey turned all of the photos of us in our room back around. I think I’ll take them all out. He left an empty suitcase, so I’m guessing he’ll be back – I’ll try to be out of the house. I was ready for him to have left. Our last conversation gave me the closure I needed. I know that seeing him again would only bring more pain.I’m glad he didn’t understand in the end. When he said that we share the blame 50/50, I felt good about my choice to leave him. When he said he hopes I learn to forgive, it was clear to me – we’ve always said there was this imaginary list… Some people are on the list and some people are not. You know who’s on your list. Joffrey is no longer on my list.In all of this, I’ve learned from re-reading my own thoughts and feelings that I have a beautiful mind and soul. At some point, Joffrey stopped seeing that. He doesn’t see that all I’ve done is love him so much that I’ve forgiven him over and over and over again.I deserve someone who shares my heart and mind.There’s literally (and physically) a mountain between us now. The space feels good. I am at peace. I’m going to buy myself flowers today.I know that the excitement for my new life and the grief for my old one will come in waves.These last few weeks have taught me that you’re never alone. There are always people who are ready to carry you through – all you have to do is ask.I’m 138 pounds now. I’ve lost 8 pounds over the course of this breakup.Katy said it took her a year to get her ex’s negative voice out of her head, but she knew those thoughts weren’t hers. I wonder at what point their thoughts became ours. How did we lose our light?I blocked Joffrey across my social media and unfollowed his family to make this all easier. I changed my relationship status to single and un-shared my location.I asked him to let me know when he’s coming over so that I can be out of the house. I swear, this is like a movie that just doesn’t end. We hit all of the plot points, but it just keeps going. Right when you think it’s over… BAM! A new conflict. We’ve got at least another thirty minutes left.We can’t message on Facebook now, so he texted back:Joffrey: I didn’t like how our last conversation went last night. Could we please talk a little more today?I just wanted a good day – a celebration of me! Amy, Elena, and April are coming over for my goth-themed break-up slumber party tonight. I have things to do. They’re so great. April congratulated me on my living situation becoming less tense and is bringing wine. Elena is excited to celebrate me!Me: I really don’t want to. I feel like I got closure. I’d just cry more. I’m afraid you’ll make it harder again.Joffrey: Please. I might not see you for a long time. I just can’t sit with all of this.Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I have to be so goddamn empathetic to where I put his feelings above my own? And for what? To only be criticized in return? What could he possibly say now that would make it better for me? This is all for him. It’s still all for him.But I’m curious. Would it be better to be left wondering? Phone a friend.I worked it out with my dad. He always gives the best advice. I need space, and if he loves me and cares about me, he’ll understand that. Maybe he’d have said all the right things, but that wouldn’t help me heal. And I can’t risk him making me question my decision even more.Dad said not to suggest this because it could come off as cold, but it made me feel better to hear that if he really wants to get closure himself, get whatever he’s thinking off his chest, he can write it down. And if he really needs me to hear how he’s feeling, he can send it in a letter. He knows I’ve always wanted a letter – or more practically, he could even go the easier route and shoot me an email.I can’t worry about Joffrey anymore. I choose me.(What a great finale! Character growth! Can this be the end?) Willing it into existence:EPILOGUE:F*****g hell. I texted him back my answer as he walked through the front door. He messaged me as I hid in my room:Joffrey: I completely understand. That’s why I'm living in Wade’s nasty room for a month. Because I care about you so much that I am absolutely 100% willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. That’s all I want to say to you right now. I just need you to know all my feelings for you.He sat waiting for me on the couch downstairs. I headed down and put on my shoes, ready to excuse myself.He came to join me in the entryway. I listened.He didn’t understand why I was angry with him – he’d been giving me space, and he’s doing everything he can. He says he doesn’t know who he is without me – that I am his air. I am his person. That he’s sorry that our relationship wasn’t as good for me as it was for him. That he knows what he needs to do now, and he’s learned a lot. That we have a white love. He wants to see me in a month.I didn’t cry – I’ve heard it before. I asked him what a white love was – said it sounded racist. He smiled.He described to me something I’d shown him before about two different kinds of love. There’s the love you feel in the beginning that gives you butterflies, and that turns into something deeper, more comfortable. It’s not as exciting, but it’s real – they become your partner.He thought our love, our connection, was stronger than anyone’s he knows our age. He thought everyone could see it.I told him how I felt after our last conversation and what I thought about it. I said he may interpret this as a f**k you, but it’s coming from a place of love – I hope he goes to therapy and figures out who he is. I wished him the best.I told him that I’ve written everything down – what happened, how I felt about it. That I didn’t feel like he was in the right headspace to read it yet, but that in a year or two he might have the luxury that most boyfriends, or exes, don’t have – reflection. He didn’t like that timeframe. I shared that I might publish it.I said meeting up in a month might be too soon, but eventually, I would like to keep him in my life.He’s going to pack all day today, and I asked not to see him for a while. I’m writing this from the park with Penny, on my blanket with a view of the mountains. She’s rolling around in the grass. I’m giving the day to myself and filling it with things I love.I thought about this moment so many times – the final goodbye. The end.I grabbed my keys, “See you on the other side.”I turned to go and he said something that I couldn’t make out. I thought about letting it go but turned back.He said he loved me.I wasn’t sure if I should, but I said, “I love you,” back. Goodbye, Joffrey. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Friday, November 12th, 2021 When Joffrey wanted Voldemort to move in with us, I was hesitant. I warned him that if he treated me the way he treated me when we lived with Elliot, I’d be done. That if there were any conflicts, he’d have to recognize my feelings. I told him that. I thought he’d grown.My heart beats out of sync. Katy and I are sitting in a coffee shop, finishing up our work. I started to cry. I tell her I’m so afraid.She asks, “Of what?”Doing this alone. What if I can’t be without him? What if I miss him too much? What if I get too lonely? She told me it’d be a good thing – that I’ll find out how strong I am.When we got home, Joffrey was letting Penny out. I stayed behind to talk with him. He revealed he was leaving tonight. I told him I was finally angry – I was mad at him for blaming me. I’d asked him for what I needed for so long and waiting until the end to fix it wasn’t a good sign. He said he’s learned a lot and he knows what he needs to do now, that he loves me. I told him I love him too. That I hope he figures himself out and finds someone else, but that it doesn’t work out – I really hoped it would be us. He told me he hopes I learn to forgive. I’ve forgiven so much…He said he was sorry he made me feel the way that I did. I asked him to fix it. I told him I didn’t know what the future held, but I needed to do what was right for me now. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Thursday, November 11th, 2021 11/11 Make a Wish...Katy and I went to The Cheesecake Factory last night. I bought us sangrias and she read through my journal. It felt nice to have someone feel what I’m going through. Her review was that it was very relatable. Reading it was entertaining, but what I’m feeling is exhausting – the ongoing theme is that he’s immature.I had a sex dream about Joffrey last night. It was hot.I just told him I canceled our couples therapy appointment so that I could get my own new therapist because I didn’t like the one we met with, and if he’d like to continue couples therapy or do his own therapy, he’d have to call to authorize it. But if we do continue couples therapy, I want to do conscious uncoupling. I think that could really help us both.We sat on the couches and were sad, but I was happy he stayed calm and didn’t get angry.He was disappointed – said he told his friends it went really well, but he knew I didn’t like the therapist. He laughed about how much credit she gave him. She took his side just for showing up – I’m the one who set the whole thing! And she kept telling me how he felt and what he actually meant – he remarked she wasn’t accurate. He left feeling extremely validated. The room I was in just got darker and darker as the sun went down and the session went on; that’s how I felt – darker.He still feels like this is just what happens in relationships – couples fight. The therapist just reinforced that we should stay together and learn to work through this or else we’ll have the same problems in our next relationship. And maybe that’s true for Joffrey… But I don’t believe that for me. Maybe I’m just trading one set of problems for another. And now, at the end, Joffrey is seemingly ready to work on his and that means a lot. So much so that it makes me almost want to try. I just still have this voice in my head that’s telling me to be on my own, and I need to start listening to her. Even if I am making a huge mistake, I’m going to be okay. I’ll let the future work itself out.I tried telling Joffrey, again, how I felt. He listened. I told him on top of the problems we’ve had, I need to listen to my voice. I told him that I really hope we can both cherish this time we have alone because we probably won’t get much time to just ourselves in our lives – that I hope it’s valuable for both of us, and we become stronger people for it.At one point in all of this, he moved to the kitchen and said, “That’s what I get – too much faith.” That hurt, but I didn’t try to change his outlook.He said he didn’t mean the mean things he’d said. That it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. He tried to tell me I’d said mean things to him when I hit him with the pillow. I asked him what I’d said. He couldn’t remember because I hadn’t. I recounted what had happened. I reminded him that it wasn’t just when he’s heated – I have to justify my feelings all the time, even when he’s calm and that’s not healthy for me.He asked if I’d talked to my parents and I shared that I’ve called my dad almost every day. He said he’s talked to his mom a little and that she’d be mad – she was so mad at his last ex. I asked if his mom loved her as much as me and he said no. I told him I hope she doesn’t hate me and that I’ll really miss his family.I let him know I planned on going home for Thanksgiving week, and he said that he might go stay in Wade’s room for two months while he figured it out. He asked if he could not pay rent here next month if he’s paying rent there and said he’d take most of his stuff. He asked if leaving some things would bother me and I said, “Some things.”I asked about Connell’s project, and he was still apprehensive about including me. I told him I wanted to still be a part of it since we’re both already involved, and that I hope we can get to a point where we can shoot together one day since we’re a good team – he still wanted to shoot my award-winning script, Tropes, but he seemed to want space, and that’s fine. I wanted us to think about how to handle it since we’ve both grown our channel together and we want to keep growing.I really enjoyed sitting with him, talking through what we were feeling. He was attractive, not dismissing my feelings – wearing his emotions looks good on him. There’s a bell that says, “Ring For Sex,” on our coffee table that I couldn’t stop staring at. It would’ve been so hot if I rang it and we did it, but it wouldn’t have been good for me. Also, I’m realizing now he could’ve rejected me. Maybe he’d have wanted that. Maybe turning me down would make him feel good.I told him I didn’t know what I should or shouldn’t say to make the situation easier for him, but the last five years have been really good – that I would really miss him, and that I was lucky to have had him.He didn’t want to end the conversation on a sad note because then he’d be thinking about it all day, so he asked if we could hug or something.I missed being in his arms. It felt so good to be held by him and to lean into his chest. He held onto me, and I had to let him go.Before, Joffrey wanted me to get angry. Now, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him. He acts like this is all my fault – that I don’t have to end it. That I’m giving up and he’s really trying and that’s b******t. I’ve been really trying for years. I’ve been his dream girl and he’s put me through s**t: he’s invalidated my feelings on repeat, ignored my pleas for couples therapy and better communication, the gaslighting, the lack of compassion for me, and unwillingness to go out with me to do the things that I love, being embarrassed of me in public, not using my name because it’s too long.I swear, it’s a requirement now that a guy must be able to handle two syllables! Joffrey wouldn’t even call me by my nickname because I wasn’t that to him. I was, “Hey,” or, “Girl,” or, “Babe.” I miss my name.I didn’t want to have to break up! I wanted to marry him! Do you know why you were so afraid of me breaking up with you? It’s because you knew you were being a shitty boyfriend and you did nothing about it. Instead of confiding in me and being willing to go to therapy to work on yourself, you made me feel like s**t! Did that make you feel better?Still, you don’t understand what you’ve done to me – it’s all been about you. You broke my heart when you lacked compassion for me – you didn’t really love me and you broke my heart while I carried yours.I gave you your heart back because I had to go and mend mine and you blamed me for it.You don’t get to act like I didn’t love you enough to stay! I loved you the most!And I’m always going to love you because that’s who I am. I’ve always been completely open to you. But I am mad, I am so angry because you’ll blame me and move on. To you, we will have been for nothing. But to me, you’ll always be my Joffrey – the one I wanted who made me disappear.Katy and I had our nails painted red, then we went to a cute LA-esque restaurant where we sat on their back patio, illuminated by candles and Christmas lights.When we got home, she tried on all my clothes for her work photo shoot tomorrow.Joffrey told me he’d be moving into Connell’s on Saturday. That’s so soon… I didn’t expect him to be gone so fast.I’m not ready. I wanted to be on my own, but that’s now. I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I feel like I can’t hop off this train that’s already in motion – I have to see where it goes. It’s just departing too fast.I almost asked Joffrey if he’d still want to see me, but I couldn’t. Instead, I told him we’re not dying. We’re still us, it’ll just be different. I felt like I shouldn’t call him since I’m ending it, but if he ever needed me, I’d be there.Am I a psycho to think break-up sex would be hot? But I know that would be bad for me. Though if we do work on ourselves and fall back in love, if we can’t live without each other, being together again for the first time…I can’t worry about the future. I can only trust what I feel now.Joffrey teared up and said he was really gonna miss us – me and Penny. I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears. How I wish it could’ve been different. How I hope we’ll both be good.We stood there in the living room, drowning in these feelings of love and loss, for the first time, unable to lean on one another. I wished I could pull him in, but I was thankful to be parting in such sweet sorrow.We both know we really love each other. We share our grief. I will miss Joffrey Barf, who despite all of these flaws, loved me so well. Mrs. Barf felt so right.But I am my own dream girl. And my dream girl knows the life she deserves and trusts her gut, even if it breaks her heart. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Wednesday, November 10th, 2021 I called the Employee Assistance Program to set a separate therapy appointment for myself with someone I could see in person. They said because I arranged the couples therapy, it was under my authorization, and that therapist would have to call in for me to do individual sessions with them, but since I don’t want to go to her, I’d have to unauthorize that therapist in order to get another one. I had to choose between myself and my relationship. I told the girl on the phone I was on the fence about the couples therapist – she encouraged me to trust my instincts and to choose myself. It feels good. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Tuesday, November 9th, 2021 I’m nervous for our couples therapy appointment today. I’m scared the therapist will tell us it can work, or that this is common – that I just can’t handle being called insane, idiotic, crazy, dramatic, fine…But I know that’s not realistic. I was clear about wanting to break up when filling out the paperwork. I wonder what Joffrey said. I wonder what he will say.We jumped onto the video conference before the therapist. He got a notebook and brought notes to the meeting. I appreciated that. The therapist was confused as to why we were in therapy if I wanted to break up. I wanted him to understand why it was happening and to work on a breakup plan – to have help navigating splitting up while being together. I told her how I felt and how we got here. Joffrey still believed it was only because of our Dune argument – she didn’t address the gaslighting.Joffrey brought up how recently, I’d ignored his insecurity about him not wanting to dance at the wedding. He didn’t like how I’d danced with his friend Jamie. He never told me that. Before the wedding, I explained that I wanted to dance that night and I wanted to dance with him; if he didn’t want to it was okay, but I still wanted to have fun, and dance with other people because I enjoy dancing. When it started, I wanted to help the bride get people on the dance floor. I looked at Joffrey, and he didn’t want to, so I asked Jamie.He said he didn’t bring it up with me because I weaponize his insecurities and bring things up again later. I told him I wished he’d told me he was upset about that. He says I don’t respond well when he has an issue with me – I said it depends on how you communicate it.It felt like the therapist was more focused on me communicating better with him. I voiced that it’s often up to me to communicate – she said it should be 50/50. When I told this to my mom, she remarked that it should be 100/100.It just felt like I needed to do more to communicate better so he’d understand. The therapist asked if I were familiar with “I feel” statements and when I said yes she said maybe I’m not using them right because he shouldn’t be able to argue against those.I told her I often do what he wants and how that’s not reciprocated – she told me that was unhealthy of me.She asked us both to not jump to any conclusions or rush into any big decisions and to not talk about splitting up until our next session with her in a week. She said she sees a lot of potential with us.Does she just not know everything or should I still try to make it work? I don’t know if I want that.She told me to journal differently. She wanted us both to journal in short sentences – statements, and then express how we feel about them.Joffrey admitted that what I said was right, that he got angry, but apologized. His account of what happened made it seem like I didn’t try to communicate with him and instead just ignored him. He knows he needs to learn how to communicate and says that he’s willing to. And I believe him. I just… I don’t know if I have faith that it will get better. And even so, do I want to keep trying? I still feel hurt and the need to be on my own. I’m exhausted from trying. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Monday, November 8th, 2021 I went into work today. I look cute. I’ve lost weight – I have to keep eating. I went to get a smoothie and some girls had a cute boutique on the street.I just filled out the forms for our first couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I had to mark if I was single or in a relationship and rate my happiness in our relationship on a scale from 1 to 10. It was hard.The girls had a cute necklace for sale on a table with a “Q” on it – they said it stood for Queen. I liked it and wanted to help them out, but they said it was $40 and I started panicking about the $1,200 rent I’d have to start paying on my own. I broke down and one of the girls hugged me and told me I had this. A stranger was so kind to me today.Tara came into the office today as well. She asked me how I was and I admitted that I wasn’t doing too well. I told her I’d be open to chatting, but I needed a minute. She kept checking in on me until I was ready to talk. She said she couldn’t help it – she’s a mom. I met her in a conference room and told her about what was going on. She asked if she could hug me and I said yes. She said it’s so tough, but not worth sacrificing your own self-worth. She told me she went through something with a friend and her mom told her, you’re going to grieve because you’re losing something, but you’re also opening yourself up for so much more and that’s exciting. She repeated that I’m not alone and that I can talk to her anytime – she wanted to make sure I knew that. She encouraged me to reach out to my other boss, Jess, who is a lawyer about our YouTube channel. Jess is a great person. Tara told me to make a plan, maybe with the therapist, for him to leave.I’m so lucky to have all of these amazing women in my life.Making a vow to myself to always prioritize myself – I am my one true love, and value my relationships with other women above all else.There’s a line in season three of YOU, “If there’s ever, even for a fleeting moment, a tiny voice in your head. And that tiny voice is telling you, I deserve better. Listen to her. That’s your partner.” I just made that my lock screen.Not to go back to talking about boys, but I hit it off on Tinder with the guy who writes the commercials for a major fast food joint! He’s funny. I’m funny. He wanted to get a couple of dates in with me before he goes home to see his family this week to work on his own material. I told him my old roommate is coming to stay with me, but we should go out when he’s back in December. That’s good timing.Oh, Tara said that she thought publishing my journal was a really good idea – that it could help other women.She had a friend who was given two years to live, nine years ago. She started a blog where she wrote letters to her young son and talked about what she was going through. It’s becoming a book.Before Tara left she stopped by my desk and told me that I’m extremely talented, on and off screen. That my work is amazing, and to not let anyone tell me otherwise.I told her I looked forward to seeing her more. She said to stay strong, “Girl power!”Joffrey came into the room to change his shirt and grab his charger. He knocked. He’s going to Connell’s tonight. The photo of us from graduation is flipped back up on our shelf.He was pleasant. Said he would take the couples therapy call tomorrow from work and try to be gone as much as possible. He said he’d see me tomorrow at four.Our whiteboard with all of our production plans was wiped clean.I went to play softball for The Best Singer tonight. We did really well! Lost 15 to 24. Usually, we only get a couple of points. It was an exciting game! I made it home! I scored! A few people asked about Joffrey. I didn’t say anything about our breakup. I wanted a break from talking about it. I guess I’m also waiting until after therapy to officially change my relationship status.I got home and started a movie called How To Be Single. While watching, I remembered being in San Francisco for Joffrey’s birthday this year. I was so cold and asked for his jacket, which he’d said he didn’t need, but he told me I was fine. I was shivering and he wouldn’t give me his jacket. Later he said he thought I was joking, but he still wouldn't give it to me. I was upset that he didn't want to take care of me. Why was that even a thing? Eventually, he put his jacket on me, but just to end the argument – I wanted him to care.I took Penny out for the night and started crying again – the painful, moaning kind. I’m losing the person I love. I really, really love him. Even with all of this. I’m really going to miss Joffrey. But I still feel like I have to do this for myself. How did we get here? Why am I doing this? Why can’t he just open up, communicate, and have compassion for me? Why does he have to shoot me down all the time? Why doesn’t he get it?I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose myself.Penny is waiting for Joffrey on the bed, staring at the door. I am at the sink, just holding my mouthwash because I can’t stop sobbing for long enough to function. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Wednesday, November 7th, 2021 Penny and I are watching Catherine’s riding lesson. It’s beautiful outside and I am happy. It’s peaceful. I love horses and I love writing while watching my friend.On the way to Catherine’s place I thought more about how I would do anything and everything to make Joffrey happy, but trying to get him to do something for me was a battle, and I was always on the wrong side. The drive into LA through the mountains with the windows rolled down and the heat on, just me and Penny, enjoying the air...Catherine and I went to a tasty seafood spot in Malibu. She confirmed that what was going on wasn’t okay. She opened up about some stuff in her life, and I told her about our Employee Assistance Program. I hope her partner will go to therapy with her. I’m tired of guys not appreciating their amazing girlfriends! If your partner wants to go to therapy with you, you do it because you love them. But usually, we’re not even asking for that – it’s smaller; it’s going to the world's largest inflatable bounce park, going sledding, or having a picnic. If she wants that, make her happy, because you love her and you want to see her smile!Catherine and I went shopping at a place called Hidden Treasures and we tried on clothes. We both really enjoyed spending time with each other. She likes to roll the windows down in the winter with the heat on too! I think we’re both looking for friends. She enjoyed having her feelings validated as well – it’s nice to know you’re not crazy.We went back to her place and played We’re Not Really Strangers in the hot tub. One of the questions I asked her was, “What is something you wish I knew?” She said my worth. That I’m so bubbly and sweet – that I have a positive outlook on life and people. I’m hot and can get any guy I want – I’m amazing. I do know this, but I guess I haven't always believed it. Since childhood, I’ve felt that way – I know I’m great, but there’s always that seed of doubt.We watched a couple of episodes of Dollface, and then I went to leave but started crying. Oh, I blocked Joffrey on Instagram and was afraid of falling into my pain when I got home.She took me to Tender Greens to make sure I ate. She asked if I’d ever been to the Hollywood Sign. I told her about how I tried to take Joffrey to the old Bat Cave when we moved here because he loves Batman. It was supposed to be a 3/4 mile round trip hike, but it was our first hike, and I got lost. We accidentally took the longest trail to the back of the Hollywood sign – seven miles round-trip. We were not prepared. I’d just had Porto's cheese rolls. We were rounding the corner to the sign and I thought, “Wouldn't it be bad if I had to go to the bathroom right now? You think there are restrooms up there?” There weren’t. We got up there, took a quick picture, and then ran to find somewhat of a private space. There were so many tourists and so few places to hide. Joffrey asked if it could wait. Nope! He held my hand as I s**t off the side of the mountain onto the Hollywood Sign, and then we skedaddled. That’s why I think The Hollywood Sign is shitty. I wanted to cry out of embarrassment, but Joffrey made me laugh.When I said that, I started to cry in Tender Greens. Catherine gave me a hug and rubbed my arm, but that makes me motion sick, when someone does motions while I eat, so she held my hand instead.When I think of the good moments, I question everything I’m doing. Catherine commented, “But you trust yourself to make the right decision.” I don’t. I don’t trust myself. I’m being told that I’m fine when I’m not, that it’s not a big deal when I’m upset, that I shouldn’t feel the way that I do. I lost that trust in myself. And that’s when it starts to feel serious when I realize that – that I have been emotionally abused.Now at home, I’m not broken down or crying – Joffrey is downstairs playing video games with Voldemort and I am calm, figuring out my s**t.I’ve been listening to a lot of Lizzie Hilary Duff – “Come Clean,” “So Yesterday,” and “Why Not” to get myself through this breakup.I’ve been so afraid of being alone in LA without anyone here who loves me, but on the drive home something clicked – I chose to move out to LA and I was going to with or without Joffrey. I wanted to live here, and if it were just me moving out here on my own now, I’d be set. I have an amazing townhouse, so many friends, and I make videos! People want to make things with me! They think I’m cool, and I am. I am an amazing friend and I’m a fun person to be around – they’ll want to hang out with me. And if they don’t invite me out – no, they will! Plus, I’m amazing at getting everyone together and throwing parties. People are going to love me now that I’m open to the world. I’m going to be going out with guys for fun, and the guys in my life are going to try to pin me down – they won’t be able to! But I will be open to love again eventually. Some guy will come along who meets my incredibly high standards, who I’ll really, really like and have a crush on. And it’ll be good. I’ll have my friends, and me again, and eventually someone better, much better, like my dad… Felt weird saying that, but with a good, compassionate, true love. I’ll have a family, but I can’t even think about that yet.The entire time I dated Joffrey I never cheated on him – not even in my dreams. I wanted to in my dreams, but even there it never happened; I loved Joffrey too much, even in my sleep.When Amy and Harley told me I should download Tinder, I did the next morning and a lot of guys, hot guys, really wanna take me out. I think if I do actually decide to go out on a date, I’d call them and tell them --“So you want to go out? Can I tell you what I want and if you’re not interested, you can just say you’re looking for something else, and we can part ways? I want you to take me to do something fun, and pay for the date because I’m trying to save money. And I don’t want you to make a move on me. I just wanna have a good time, and if I like you, I’ll let you know, but otherwise, we’ll just have had a good time.”I think that could actually work. It feels a bit selfish, asking them to pay, but I also want to practice being selfish. Maybe I won’t call, but just expect this – feel it out before going, and no matter what, prioritize me.That night with Amy, Wade, and Harley – they made me realize I’m single.I had a sex dream, finally! I actually did it with Connell. Right after, he left which made me sad. But I was okay.I’m excited to feel like a f*****g rockstar again.I want to have a breakup slumber party for when Joffrey leaves. Make it a celebration. It’ll be themed and maybe we’ll make a short film as the activity. Catherine offered to help me organize. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Saturday, November 6th, 2021 I didn’t pack a bag because I thought I’d be back home – that there wouldn’t be anyone. Amy told me to come over.I brought my tiny backpack so I could have my journal. I was worried they’d think it was dumb – they didn’t. When I arrived, Amy just gave me the best hug and it felt so nice to be held. Wade and Harley were there too. Wade’s always been a great friend since college – really nice dude. And I’m excited to get to know Harley better.They offered me everything and I asked if we could just talk. We sat at the table and they listened. It felt like a divorce – it was hard breaking up and still living together. I told them everything and they assured me I wasn’t insane and that the way he’s communicated isn’t okay. That I should have someone who loves that I clap at the end of movies because I think it’s funny.Amy also just got out of a year-long relationship a few months ago – her ex overdosed on Xanax. Harley had experience getting out of a three-year relationship where they’d lived together. She recommended unfollowing him and to just start swiping immediately to know people are interested. It was nice to get permission. I was uncertain about it. She wanted to be my wing woman.We took a Lyft to a bar and I broke down again when I realized we’d never finished The Walking Dead video game – we’d been saving it. Harley held my hand the whole way. I told them I was scared of being alone and needed people to ask me out to do things. Wade is going to follow up today about going to Six Flags tomorrow.They said they love me.At the bar, everyone was so young and friendly. I felt like I was discovering female friendship again. The women were all so kind. One, a stranger, bought me a drink and told me I was beautiful. She gave me a pep talk. She tried to steal me from Wade at one point, and they both held onto me like tug-of-war. She got very drunk and was touching me a little too much, but I felt special. She opened up and also had a lot going on. Everyone’s just doing their best.Amy let me stay the night, shower, borrow pajamas, and sleep with her in her bed. I’m lucky to be her friend.When Joffrey and I lived together in New York, we saw Coco. I’ve lost so many family members, so when the movie ended I was a mess. I needed to stay sitting – it was hard to walk out of the theater. Joffrey got upset at me. I think crying is a beautiful thing and if you need to be open with your emotions in public, it’s okay to take a minute and let the world see you. No one should make you feel bad for that. People want to help.A few years ago, we went to his friend's house which I’d never been to. There were a lot of people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to have to sleep on the floor in my clothes – no toothbrush, but Joffrey wouldn’t take me home. Someone spilled a drink on me. I left and hid in a safe space in the hall to have a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was at the time. Some girls gave Joffrey a hard time for not coming to find me – he didn’t like that and blamed me. Portia let me take her bed. He made me feel bad about that and was mad the next day.He started to take credit for my jokes – like in the escape room when I was like, “Surely someone will tell us if we’re not supposed to stick a fork in the outlet…” He retold that story over and over again as if he’d said it. I eventually asked him if he knew it was me. There was something else too, but I can’t remember. I didn’t call him out on it for a while because when Rita complimented how great he did at making a video for Cappie, I chimed in, “I produced it too!” He was upset that I’d said that. “Why would you say that? I don’t do that when people are complimenting you.” But I just wanted her to see us as a team.When we’re in the car together, I don’t get to listen to Broadway or country music, but I listen to his rock. I am his rock.He doesn’t try to get along with my family. Recently, I asked him to be there with me while I called my mom to video chat. We haven’t talked in a while, and I was nervous about it. He wouldn’t. I’ve always done everything he’s asked of me. Why wouldn’t I? I loved him. Loved.I love his whole family and all of his friends, but I’ve never seen him try to get close with my brother and Kate.He doesn’t really like helping me – me, so grossed out by bugs, makes me pick up the fly – tells me I need to learn things.Gets mad when I volunteer his help to others when I know he could easily do something to really help someone and it would be fun to do together. I get where he’s coming from, and I stopped doing that.He didn’t want to take the Merry-Kiss-Mas photo with me – he so often refuses to do simple things that’d make me really happy.I’ve been sitting in my car for maybe an hour now, not wanting to go inside. Joffrey must’ve been checking my location because he came out to talk. I was crying. He said that I’ve always been and still am his dream girl, but he knows he hasn’t been my dream boy.He said he worked really hard on his therapy form, and that if there’s any chance for us, he’ll do better. I told him I was really going to miss him.He said he thought if it ended that we’d be so unhappy for a while. That it wouldn’t be this sudden. He was surprised it was us, “So many of our couple friends are worse.”I told him it was really hard with him here, and I needed him to find a place. That it would be easier if I could take the bed and he could take the couch or try to be gone as much as possible. I asked him to let Katy and I sleep in the bed when she comes. He agreed.I told him it would be easier if we could create that space and not be cold to each other when we do see each other – to know we really love each other but need to move on.He said he knows what it’s like to need change in your life, and he’s so glad the pandemic hit and he didn’t move home and break up with me.I told him that I had to figure out something to do tonight and that I’d said everything to him that I needed him to hear. That I needed him to stop telling me how I feel, because it’s not the same – I’m not just complacent, looking for change, and by saying so he’s not helping, he’s hurting. That I can’t make him understand, and that therapy will help him understand why it’s ending.I told him I was scared he’d be angry at me again later since I didn’t go along with what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t.The rehearsal for the short film I was cast in went really well. They said they were so glad I joined Backstage and they found me. They thought I was very talented. I liked them.I found out Kate gave Stefan the ring back. They just moved in together. My dad didn’t believe him – the odds of his two kids going through a major breakup at the same time!I told Stefan we should plan a trip. He said he’d have time off in January and asked if I had my passport. I’d love to see the world with my brother. He’s so cool and I think sibling bonding time would be good for us. Too bad he’s in Texas.I told my property managers (we’re good friends). Gavin called and immediately asked what happened. I gave him the brief version. Gavin told me he and Dinesh have their fights and communication is a big thing. He thought we were so happy and encouraged me to make it work. I thought that was inappropriate, but I understood why he said it. I told him it was good and needed to happen. He offered me their place. That was kind.I was in my car for almost three hours. I haven’t eaten all day. I’m finally inside making a pizza. Joffrey said he would sleep in Voldemort’s room tonight, so I don’t have to worry about him. That he’ll be gone all day tomorrow and will go to Connell’s on Monday. When I came in he asked if I wanted the upstairs or downstairs. I liked that he was considerate of my feelings.He said if I wanted to talk, if it would bring me clarity, that he’d be open to it and he wouldn’t be mad.I so badly want to lean on him and have everything be okay. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t think it will be.Samantha came to pick me up and took me to see Eternals. I told her how scared I was that I’d have no one to lean on, but people had been there for me. She told me I needed to learn to be okay by myself and to get comfortable with being alone. This rubbed me a little wrong. But I wanted to recognize that her opinion may have more to do with her than me and separate it from becoming my truth – I needed to explore how I felt about that.Only I know how bad I was hurting today. She didn’t see me, barely capable of moving my body to cook a pizza. She didn’t hear my cries that sounded more like moans. I did the right thing by reaching out for a friend. She told me I needed to get better at asking people out. I have been. She acts like she knows everything, and maybe she does – there’s truth in what she’s saying, but I wish she would have listened and empathized more rather than telling me another thing I need to fix about myself. I know! I’m going to therapy. I want to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, not just people who take care of me.I’ve been hesitant to call Samantha because I can’t deal with the trauma of her rejection from when our friendship ended on top of my break up. I’m trying to let that go. But she just stopped being my friend. She said we were soulmates and then avoided me with no explanation. I had nightmares she hated me.When I told her it’s confusing how Joffrey has been apologetic, then angry on repeat and now he wants me back again, she said that’s what manipulative people do.When I told her he thought I was just looking for change in my life like he was she said, “Of course – because it’s all about him!”I am excited to get myself back, but terrified of being on my own – it’s true. But I think I’ll get used to it and it’ll be empowering. I’m going to therapy and that will help. And I’m going to hang out with friends – and there will be guys that like me who I like back that are good. Sure, life isn’t a movie, but I’m tired of thinking that the love I see on screen isn’t real. I am worthy of that love.Joffrey texted to make sure I was with a friend and not alone – that I was coming home. When I got to my room, he’d turned all of the pictures of us around. I cried. I think it was thoughtful. This will be just a little bit easier if he’s thoughtful. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Friday, November 5th, 2021 I drove two hours round-trip to audition for Next to Normal last night. I loved warming up in the car and my voice sounded good. I sang “Morning Person” from Shrek: The Musical, but sad. I thought it was a creative choice. All of the actors were really nice as we waited to audition. I enjoyed talking with them and being in their close knit community. When I sang, I forgot to include the middle page in my sheet music which was embarrassing, but memorable? They were nice. I was less professional, but happy to be there. Everyone sounded so good!I called Samantha on the way back and told her about it and we laughed. I also told her I broke up with Joffrey and she wouldn’t believe me! She was glad I did. She said her and Chidi were hoping I didn’t marry him. Chidi told her about what went down in his friendship with Joffrey – they were such good buds! Chidi is cool.Samantha said the toxic thing in her birthday letter I wrote to her was Joffrey trying to control what I ate – telling me I shouldn’t eat what I wanted when I wanted.Telling Samantha made me kind of excited to tell more people. I’ve been worrying about it. She was excited to go out with me and to finally live our Sex and the City dreams!I didn’t think it would ever happen, but I’ve been thinking about what my conversation with Joffrey’s mom would be like after our break up for a long while now. I want to tell her that I really love her son and I was lucky to be with him. I don’t know if I should say I hope he gets better at communicating his feelings in a healthy way and I hope to reconnect later in life – only if she presses. I really love her and how close we’ve gotten over the years. I hope she’ll stay in my life as my financial advisor, but I can’t ask for that. I will miss seeing his family. I guess I won’t be a bridesmaid in Gemma’s wedding now – I’ll take that lesson from Dollface.I’m mostly okay. It hits me at random moments. I’m grieving all of the amazing memories and the connection we share, but I see it as a beautiful time in my life that just had to end.I cry when I think about how it started. I thought he was cute in class. We matched on Tinder, and though we were too embarrassed to talk about it, we knew we liked each other. Doing group projects with him and Chidi – he was going to marry us at some point… so much has changed. At Bradley’s birthday, seeing him and hoping he would be going to Dave & Buster’s with us, sitting by him on the bus ride over there. He followed me around, and it was just the two of us... trying to find a private place and getting in a phone booth hoping he’d kiss me, taking the bus back together and missing our stop, so we could spend more time together. Walking me home. Awkwardly saying goodbye.Sitting in our writing class, hoping he liked me instead of Billie. Having a hard day with my roommate, Dory, and asking him to play pool with me. Beating him in pool and hoping he’d want to keep hanging. Going to get milkshakes. Putting on a movie, spending the night, just sleeping together. He said what are the odds you kiss me and I said 1-1 and 3, 2, 1, he said two, so we awkwardly didn’t kiss. Wanting to see each other the next day. Having sex the next night, and then having a lot more sex. Wanting him to stop accepting Snapchats from his ex. Things with my roommate getting harder. Going to see the Zoo Lights and sipping warm spiced wine in the snow. Considering going to my ex’s with Penny to escape my apartment. Him not liking that and asking me to be his girlfriend to make it official.Meeting his family at the train station for the first time. Watching him and his family fall in love with me and Penny. Sneaking Penny into his dorm in a backpack all the time and eventually getting caught.Wanting him to say he loved me... being sad he didn’t. Wishing he’d stay at my new place as often as I stayed at his. Him saying he loved me after Valentine's day at my elevator door in the morning as he left.Going to parties. Playing drinking games for the first time, all the time.Graduating together. Wanting to move in with him – used money as a selling point, per Mom. Him choosing to live with me over his friends. Moving in together. Loving living with him. Driving back-and-forth from New York to Texas together all the time to see my family.Deciding to move to LA together. The big drive out to LA, too poor to afford a hotel.Our beautiful studio by the Equestrian Center, coffee shop, and bowling alley, with a pool. Looking out the window and seeing horses going down the street. Surprising him by flying out his friends for his birthday. All of the escape rooms.Trying to break into the entertainment industry. Going onto a studio lot for the first time for an alumni event. Leaving and him not wanting to talk to the young security guards – me talking to the guards and learning that the studios outsource their security. Training to be security guards together, so we could get onto the lot and network.Him signing up for the night shift. That being hard in a studio apartment with the light and clicks from his video games. Me learning how to interrupt him when he was playing. Being sad he didn’t stop playing to chat with me when I’d come home. Fighting about it.Getting on The Best Singer as a contestant PA. Getting Joffrey on our team. Loving working together on the lot. Being the power couple. Finding a two bedroom – building a home together… then it got hard. Then it was really good. Slowly slipping away, going out on my own, justifying my feelings and emotions. Seeing what I need from my partner in other people and feeling so guilty about it. Trying so hard. Hoping it wouldn’t have to end. That it’d get better. That he’d listen to me. Wanting everything to be good, fine, needing to believe it was. Wishing he’d gone to therapy with me two years ago. Trying to communicate. Realizing he can’t. Needing space. Being here… Accepting how I’m feeling. Finding myself again. Leaning into independence. Not accepting cruelty from anyone. Knowing how hard I love and how valuable that is. Expecting the same love back.My old toxic boss came into work today. I went to go see him – I never thought I’d have to again and took comfort in that. But I wanted to see if I was still scared of him – I wasn’t.He was pleasant, of course, but I wanted to say to him that he was a cruel boss. He did always appreciate candor. He would’ve apologized if he’d felt the need to. When he asked me how I was, I teared up and he got uncomfortable.I wrote this note in my phone while working for him:What I’m Learning About the People Who Run TV…It’s impossible to speak up without feeling like you’re going to ruin the relationships that you need to build your career, so you suffer through the toxicity and nothing changes. It’s already so difficult for women to break into and grow within the industry, and often when we do speak up, it goes unheard, or more likely, it will come back to bite us. It’s easier to fire an assistant than a CEO. And why would they promote someone who “complains?” They’re ungrateful!I believe my boss is a good man… it could always be worse, right? And sometimes he’s nice! Sometimes he seems to care… As a good person, you don’t want to do or say anything that could hurt another person’s life. But then by not saying anything, you’re doing an injustice to all of the people who will get hurt after you. And when you consider that your boss does not treat others with the same respect, it makes not speaking up all the more frustrating.But it doesn’t matter how committed, nice, talented or intelligent you are – you’re not owed anything for the insane amount of hours you put in (that you don’t get paid for because that’s just how it is). It’s tough knowing that you’re choosing just a shot at this career over having basic things like a home and family, and it can all be stripped away in an instant.There were a few instances where another assistant at another company couldn't immediately respond to me, as they were OOO, and even after explaining this, I was told to write an email to my boss telling him that they had not responded, so that he could forward it to their boss to teach them a lesson. Once, he expressed his hope that they would be fired. I spoke up for them, and was told that they’ve got to learn, even if they are OOO, they’ve got to be attentive. That is not only malicious, but perpetuates the long standing lack of respect and boundaries for underpaid assistant’s work life balance.As an assistant, I’ve been scolded in front of the entire staff by my boss for asking to take lunch at my sixth hour, and when we do get to eat, we’re expected to eat at our desks, and are constantly interrupted for unimportant tasks that CAN wait. I think I reheated my lunch four times one day… But that’s just how it is.When I first started, HR seemed to know that we didn’t really get lunch breaks, but told me to report that I did anyway on my time card after I had gone into meal penalty the previous week. They tell you to be honest on your time cards (to their benefit)! Eventually we were “told” we needed to take lunch when it became an issue, but it’s just continuously something that hasn’t been respected. Did you know assistant’s don’t need to eat? And they love not getting paid for those 30 minutes set aside for them to take a break that they don’t get!We work overtime, and are told not to report it because it “evens out” with the down time we get at our desks. My co-worker was told to work a sixth day, but told not to report it and to take a day off in the middle of the week instead. She should’ve been paid time and a half for her sixth day. She, of course, didn’t end up getting a day off in the middle of the week, and to my knowledge was never paid accordingly, as it was, as our boss put it, “only a one time thing.”Also, a few months into the job I was told not to share with my co-assistant that I was getting a raise because she wasn’t, which is not right… and I believe telling your employees not to discuss their salary is illegal… She’s an all star assistant and had worked there for about two years without a promotion – she just wasn’t as optimistic about our toxic work environment as I was. So remember to remain happy and to smile!!!It’s okay for CEO’s to talk to their assistants as if they’re inadequate and less than... and if those they talk down to can’t handle the pressure of their verbal abuse, then maybe they’re not fit for this industry.As an assistant, it’s your job to do everything perfect, so if you mess up, you deserve to be yelled at. That’s just their personality and you can’t change who someone is.I was told two weeks in when I didn’t automatically know a piece of information off hand that my boss had no confidence in me.I was instructed to lie to HR, about money re. his travel arrangements. He stood behind me, telling me what to write.When I tried to speak to HR, I expressed how I felt that I couldn’t speak up, and asked if they could periodically take anonymous workplace surveys to keep everyone accountable, but was told no. That would be crazy, right? The only solution was for them to speak directly with me and my boss, which is not what I wanted. When my boss got called in, because someone else reported him over another matter, he pulled me into his office before speaking with HR, and asked me if I knew anything and if I had talked to them.These are the things men are allowed to say or yell in the office that I am too afraid to report:You’re not listening! You’re not listening! You’re not listening!We need to get them pregnant.I’ll massage them.I don’t want to get raped on this deal.I have to f*****g blow her or else I’m going to kill myself (My cousin killed herself, and despite telling my boss this, it was a battle to get my him to stop angrily threatening to kill himself every time I did something he didn’t like).How do f*****g retards keep getting jobs?I don’t want to get boned in the back end.Amongst other racist and problematic things, one that really gets me is someone pitched a project about three middle eastern women in fashion, and as if he were offended by the pitch, as if it were a joke, he said Middle America will only see terrorists – no one will buy that. We hold so much power by working in media to make a difference in our country, and we don’t.When I interviewed with my boss for this position I was asked if I were easily offended. RED FLAG, RED FLAG, RED FLAG. At first this made me uncomfortable as I’ve been sexually harassed in the past. When I asked him to clarify what he meant, he pointed to the posters on his wall and explained how the content we created isn’t the best. I should’ve known he wouldn’t be either.If you’re a low level employee who believes that people should treat others the way they want to be treated, then you must adapt, because if you speak up, then you aren’t strong enough or committed enough to this industry.There seem to be no consequences for the men in power, only excuses.I think Joffrey spent the night at Finn’s last night. I’m glad that he had a friend to go to.Breaking up is not having an appetite and ordering just rice and chicken from Chipotle because you have to eat something.I hear him in the kitchen. I hear my tears hit the pillow.I’m terrified to lose him. I’m really gonna miss him. I can’t stop sobbing. It hurts too much.I feel like I have no one else here in Hollywood to go to but him. He’s the only one who loves me out here. I only have him and my dad.I hope Katy moves back in. I wish my family lived out here.I wish I could call a friend to come over to help me through this break up. It’s so hard breaking up and having him here.I can’t get up. I can’t even change out of my clothes.I should go for a drive and call everyone until someone can hang. Maybe they’d want to be there for me. Or maybe I’ll just be doing something. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Thursday, November 4th, 2021 My heart feels so heavy; it’s beats seem irregular. I’m so sad.Last night, after Joffrey told me he’d do anything, that he knows what he needs to do now, that he was sorry, that he knows he’s been lacking in our relationship, and selfish…I didn’t just immediately say I’d give him another chance. He knew where my head was at and I knew where his was, and I was glad to hear he loved me so much, but we’re not going to change overnight, that we could talk it through in therapy.He brought me a note I’d written to him about how great he is and how he’s grown – how much I love him. He says he keeps it for when he’s sad, and I told him I still feel that way – that we could still love each other, but take time to part, and I believe it would be a good thing for our relationship – a mature, beautiful thing.He came downstairs angry this time. I told him Bryce and Elena broke up once and got back together. “Well, were they living together, and did Bryce get kicked out?”He asked if I lied when I said things were good then? I gently responded, “No, we’re really good at being happy.”I asked him if he still wanted to watch Normal People with me. He answered by telling me I wanted to live a fantasy.He told me I was giving up. That this was the same as his last relationship. That this is normal in relationships. That we need to get better at fighting, and I need to match his level. He told me that I was being condescending when I was just listening. He tried to control my calm reactions and got upset when I sighed and said I was rolling my eyes, but I feel like I wasn’t.“You want me to act like you?” Sits down and impersonates me.Says I’m acting like my mom, and he immediately regretted that one with a dismissive laugh.Continues to tell me how I feel about him – you’re talking down to me. You think I’m an idiot. You don’t have compassion right now. I expect him to react perfectly – I was just listening and allowing him to react however, with empathy. I tried not to answer to his complaints unless he asked a direct question. And I just expressed how I felt.He asked if it were a joke to me.Said the way I talked to him about Elliot and then apologized, saying I was on my period – that was good communication. He hasn’t talked to Elliot much since – he heard me, though he never told me he did. He left me feeling bad.Said we had bad communication, not him, we. Said I had bad communication in all of this. That I went away and didn’t try to talk to him. He wanted me to have told him earlier on Tuesday, even though I had expressed to him my process, so he could’ve fixed this then and gotten ahead of it instead of picking up the scraps. I blindsided him. I can’t just do this.He didn’t like how I accidentally drove to my old work in Sherman Oaks on the way to Rita’s in North Hollywood instead of talking to him. In this, I wish he’d had empathy that I must’ve been so upset to make that mistake and that this is hard for me too.He defended his reaction to Dune again and defined it as me starting a fight about something he was passionate about and making it difficult for him. Declared he handled it well.Attacked my understanding of social harmony again in uninviting Voldemort. Said I was making him do it. But I never was or did. He said, “You told me you would tell him? You didn’t say that!” And I didn’t, I said I wasn’t making him do anything and Voldemort would understand.Then, he attacked my relationship with Voldemort and compared how well he knew them and asked if I knew specific things about them, which I did. But he never communicated to me calmly about how he felt in the situation. I’d have been understanding.When I was hurt he said, “What did I say? Tell me what I said wrong? Explain it to me.” I can’t keep teaching him.He was only concerned with how hard it is for him and with what I needed to do. I get that he’s thinking of himself right now and that this is a lot, so I’m trying to have grace, but he doesn’t handle high stress or low stress well and he thinks his reactions are appropriate. I want someone who can work through their feelings, and be considerate of their partner’s when they’re upset.He didn’t say I was overreacting, but that’s how he was trying to make me feel. It felt like he was setting a trap – trying to catch me in a lie. Even though he apologized earlier, it seemed like he wanted to make it my fault somehow. I didn’t want to assign blame, but before this in the bedroom, I told him it wasn’t my fault in reaction to something, and he said I was the one doing it.Earlier, when I tried to talk about why I was feeling this way, he accused me of holding grudges again. “You’re bringing up stuff from two years ago. It’s resolved!” I’d previously said we didn’t resolve things in the past – some things just hurt me and some things are still happening now. He gave me counter examples of how he’s good now.He was mad he’d have to go into work feeling like this. Him, him, him. I’m his emotional support in this, but is there any evidence of any from him in all of this? Any respect? Or sincere understanding?Before he got mad, he kept asking me what to do – I told him I can’t figure that out for him. That he should call the therapy planning/problem-solving line and confide in a friend – they’d want to be there for him. But he just wanted to talk to me.I started Normal People, and he went upstairs.He cried a lot in bed last night.It’s hard for me to imagine us getting back together or loving him when he’s mean. He tried to tell me Ramy gave him a fun idea for a date for us and that it was a surprise. I can’t even think about that now. He is mean, then he feels bad so he’s nice to move past it, doesn’t apologize, and if I don’t apologize for him or move past it, he’s mean again.I insisted he start looking for a place.I don’t think this is normal or just new territory at the five year mark. I think this is bad. Not out of nowhere. That I’m great at communicating and he needs to fix this himself away from me because I can’t do it anymore.Katy said she feels like when people don’t know how to communicate they just default to attacking the other person however they can.She shared some similarities with her and her ex. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one who’s gone through this – that I’m going to be okay on the other side.My feelings are valid. I’m making the right and necessary move for myself for what feels like the first time. Maybe he’ll grow to see it and one day we can be together again when he’s more mature. Or maybe he won’t. Either way, I’ll be okay.Last night when I said I still want to do our YouTube channel, he laughed and said, “Do you know what you’re asking?” It’s okay if he needs a clean break – I just feel like I’m losing my work too. Probably why I, and his friends, were hesitant to give our work to him in the first place.I thought he was playing love songs for me last night while I was in the shower before our talk – “Turn Back Time” by Travis Baker and “9 to 5 (love me),” but I guess he didn’t know what was playing. Maybe I’ve just been looking for the romance and it’s not actually there. He hung up the vines, and I thought it was romantic, but that could’ve just been for him. My love language is gifts, but I feel like I don’t get any gifts that really show me his love, or words of affirmation. He does things around the house, but that’s just something you do.When we were going to the Dells recently to meet Jules, my old roomie, he made it very stressful for me by not planning his work schedule in advance. And we all wanted to do Wizard’s Quest, but he whined so much about it.Also, how did he not see this coming when I told him I was thinking about breaking up with him when we were leaving the Haunted Hayride? I guess he thought I was joking. I wasn’t really considering it at the time, but I was thinking about it. If I heard my partner say that, I’d want to explore it. While we were in line, all I could think about was writing a fictional novel about what it’d be like for a young woman in Hollywood who had to split up with her partner – it wasn’t like this. How would her friends treat her?I think the gaslighting video was actually recommended on my YouTube channel, not his.He wouldn’t look at me all morning and we didn’t talk. Before leaving for work he asked me to move his clothes to the dryer as he grabbed a pillow and blanket. I asked why, and if he was staying somewhere. He just said so he could sleep and left. I cried.I just reread all of this and I feel better.For my birthday this year, all I wanted was a love letter, so I could know how he felt about me; he’s never put it on paper. I didn’t get that, but he did give me a really sweet card:Hey babe, I’m so lucky to have you in my corner. At the end of the day, your opinion is the only one that matters to me. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to continue our quest for Hollywood domination. You are, and have always been, MY DREAM GIRL.Love, JoffreyI cried when I read it because he doesn’t say that stuff often.I have to remember that I’m doing this because of how he treats me when we’re not this good.He told me last night that he felt the same as I do now when he was thinking of breaking up with me, but if I could just hang on, we’ll come out stronger and happier.I want to believe him so badly, but he hasn’t been listening, understanding, or respectful of my feelings in all of this. I can’t keep waiting for him to grow. He hasn’t grown here. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021 Yesterday was a good night with Joffrey. He brought home Super Bowl swag from work. He thinks maybe he could get tickets this year and that the Cowboys might play. That would be wonderful for him!I suggested he should bring someone who actually likes football and asked who he’d bring. He explained he’d bring me and referenced some episode of television where a guy did what I’d recommended instead of bringing his girlfriend and it wasn’t as good.I teared up. He offered me a hug with, finally, a face full of compassion. I couldn’t. We finished Mindhunter – I had a realization that I wanted to explore today, and we went to bed.In bed, he told me he loved me and he wanted to do whatever it took to get through this together. I hope he means it. He said he missed me. I told him I love him too, and I’m close to figuring it out so it would be okay for both of us, but I needed more time. I didn’t want to say too much before having time to explore today.We laughed and shared our excitement about me having a fan on our YouTube channel, and how eager I was to be a cute, sad pregnant lady this weekend (I got the part!) He warned at some point my fans may get mean when I make it big, but that’s okay because they’re just fat kids on the internet. I was like, wow – a lot of hate towards fat children and we laughed – problematic, but I knew what he meant.Oh, he said he wished he could hug me – I said, “I know.” But reminded him we don’t know what’s going to happen. I loved that he wanted to hug me, but I was okay with the distance.I want to watch Normal People with him. It’s a show about a couple who met in high school – he’s cool, she’s not. But when they go and move to college (when Joffrey moved to LA) he lost the friend circle that he always knew – he never had to make new friends as a kid. He didn’t have that group comfort and support on his own and didn’t know how to be without it or find it. He developed extreme social anxiety.This couple really loved each other, but in this series about mental health in relationships, they weren’t always together when growing in their lives. They were always there for each other when needed, and that love never left. But they knew when they needed to be apart to grow and flourish, and it deepened their relationship. I want to be Normal People with Joffrey.I wrote Katy yesterday:Me: I feel like if things are going to work with Joffrey, even with therapy, I want space and to explore being on my own for a while. And I hope he understands that and gets help with his extreme social anxiety and communication skills. But we’ll see! If he does, maybe we can still stay friends and reconnect later in life if we’ve both gotten to know ourselves and our needs better and are still interested. That’s where my head is at right now.Katy: That’s VERY mature of you and a very healthy outlook to have! Wow, that’s really good for you to know what you need and not limit yourself at the expense of someone else. Very, very impressed to hear you say that because I feel like that’s something I had to learn the hard way, but an absolutely necessary lesson nonetheless. Independence is huge, especially at this stage in our lives when we are figuring out who we want to be as adults.I took a screenshot, because her words meant a lot.I was worried that if I told Katy what was going on that she might want to stay somewhere else next week, but she said not to worry about the timing – it sounds like I need a friend, and she’s happy to be that friend. She says she’s been very depleted on Audrey time. I love her so much! She’s too great and makes me feel so loved and wise and special AND SHE’S 80% SURE SHE’S MOVING BACK IN MARCH!!!Voldemort was planning on moving out in March. She might want to move back in or go back to living by the beach. There are so many possibilities, but I’m excited to see her next week. It feels crazy that we’re both reevaluating our lives in the same week. All I know is life is better with Katy in it.I’m going, I’m ready, to talk to Joffrey as soon as time allows. I want to tell him that I love him and ask if he really wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. I want to tell him that that looks a little different to me than traditional monogamy. That if we can recognize when we can grow together and when we need to grow apart, and always do everything out of love for ourselves and each other, that we could have a beautiful love story.I want to break up together, and know that we both love and understand each other. I want to still make videos together and hone in on our work, apart. That would be good for us, and it’d keep us connected. I want to be there for each other when we really need to be – like if one of us goes through something tragic… like with family, but respect our time apart. I hope he can work on and explore himself while I do the same. And I hope to eventually reconnect as friends first, who talk about their lives from afar, like in Normal People, just there for each other. Then maybe we’ll want to date and fall in love all over again, but older and wiser.It may not all play out this way – I don’t know the future, but I hope it does. And if it doesn’t, it’ll be because we’re okay, and what a beautiful love we shared.I want to talk this through in therapy and talk through why it didn’t work this time, so it can maybe work the next.I just told Joffrey how I’m feeling. He stopped me and told me he’d do whatever it takes, but he really loves me and wants to be with me. I told him what it would take.He said if we do that, he knows we won’t get back together. I told him we weren’t his last relationship – we’re special and this could be healthy. He didn’t believe me and tried to talk me out of it.He revealed he’s been saving up for the ring I liked, and wants to get married. This is just part of being in a relationship where you don’t know at times. He always knew however he messed up, he’d have Audrey. He said he knows he screwed up and he’s been a bad partner and he wants to do better – that he can do better and wants to grow together.I want and need for him to grow on his own. I need to take care of myself for a while. He’s in denial about that reality.I could see how much he loves me. He begged me for another chance. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021 When I came home from work yesterday, Joffrey had cleaned and helped the apartment. He offered me dinner, but I couldn’t eat. He was nice again. I was exhausted and crashed on the couch. It was comfy. It was nice to rest my eyes, but couch/bed, I couldn’t sleep. We continued Mindhunter together. He asked if I wanted to go on a walk, so maybe he was going to try to communicate, but I was too tired and he let me rest. We didn’t talk about our relationship, but I was grateful for a break. We slept in bed with pillows between us; he’d been nice and I was spent, so I didn’t mind. I slept.I woke up early from his alarm and cried again. I’ve had these thoughts running through my head all night, but I needed a break yesterday…Joffrey and I are really good at being good. Really good. It’s wonderful, fun and happy. We meet each other’s needs: food, film, entertainment, love.But when he’s not happy, he shuts me out. When he didn’t know if he wanted to live in LA, I thought, or we thought, he was depressed and it broke my heart to not know what was going on in his head.All I wanted to do was help and make things better for him. I wish, I probably, I did beg him to talk to me or someone. But he wouldn’t. I hoped he did. I remember calling his mom – I didn’t know if that was the right thing to do, but I needed to know if there was a history. I wanted to stand by him and not leave him in his depression because I do love him so much. But it was really hard for me not knowing if he was going to stay with me or leave. And he refused to go to therapy. There wasn’t anything to do but wait. I wish he’d confide in me.I want my partner to talk through their problems with me. What a way to connect, lean on and really grow a bond. But I don’t know what’s in his head. And it hurts that he won’t or can’t share, but I’ve respected it. I’ve always been open to him in case.Recently, we went out to dinner and a movie. Our friend Justin reached out to me confidentially, concerned about Joffrey and Sawyer at the wedding. They’re childhood friends who love each other. I knew Joffrey was hurt when he wanted them to all contribute to his YouTube channel together, but they wanted to do their own thing. I guess they reached out still wanting to be friends, but he’d been ignoring them.I can only speculate it was hard for Joffrey to move away from his friends and he didn’t know how to handle his pain in his post college crisis. I felt put in a weird situation. I asked Joffrey about it, just so I’d know what was going on, but he shut down. Our date was ruined and he didn’t want to talk about it. I tried slyly bringing it up a few more times before the wedding. I wish he’d confided in me.At the wedding, Sawyer asked me for advice about mending their friendship. I was still in the dark. I suggested he just talk to him. I thought... he’s bad at confrontation and opening up and communicating his feelings and admitting he’s wrong, but hopefully he’ll listen and want to mend whatever’s broken because I could see Sawyer cared and that Joffrey was hurt.They talked for a long while. On the drive home, I hoped Joffrey would finally tell me about it. He didn’t. He was as closed off and shut down by it as before. But it seemed they’d mended their friendship, so I was happy for him. I respected that maybe Joffrey just likes to keep conversations private and I’m just the opposite. It helps me to work things out for myself when I confide in people, but maybe he just doesn’t do that, or maybe he just doesn’t do that with me. I don’t know because he wouldn’t say anything about it! I really, really wish he’d open up when he’s hurt because I think he just keeps it in.When we lived in New York, in college and right after, I loved that Joffrey had so many friends that we’d hang out with. We both did. He liked going to do things and socializing.When we moved to LA, Joffrey didn’t want to make any new friends. He didn’t want to talk to people. We had our college friends, and that was nice, but he quickly shut himself in, in moving away from home for the first time. I felt it was up to me to make friends for us. I started hanging out with our friend Samantha a lot and going out with her because Joffrey just didn’t want to do anything. I remember wishing he had a best friend out here too; so much so that I was wanting to find one for him. He eventually got jealous of the time I was spending with Samantha, so I took a couple of weeks to just be with him in his depression. I had very recently entered a new job with a terrible boss and all at once I was in a period of transition with a depressed boyfriend, a degrading boss, a UTI, and loss of a friend. Samantha was going through her own s**t and stopped hanging out with me. Oh, and living with Elliot sucked.I remember asking Samantha for a lot of unqualified relationship advice. I was debating on ending things and talked to her and my new coworker friend, Eleanor, about it a lot. Joffrey wouldn’t help himself. He refused to do therapy with me, so I did it alone, and he made me feel mean for being upset at our roommate, who was a total a*****e. He didn’t help – it was up to me to handle our conflicts with him.I was out a BFF, my emotional support at the time, and grieving that loss. I felt very alone and confused about who I was. I was worried I was mean and bad – I knew that I wasn’t, but at the time it made sense because my friend needed time to herself and my boyfriend didn’t confide in me or even seemingly like me. And when I confided in him, he told me my feelings were wrong. I tried talking to him about it, I felt like I was always so open with my thoughts, feelings and needs, but he habitually made me feel like they were unjustified.I remember being nervous about going to a new co-worker, maybe a new friend's birthday. At this point, I really wanted friends, not just for Joffrey, but for myself. I went on one awkward Bumble BFF date. I needed my partner’s support now, but he refused to go despite this, so I went alone. I’ve had a lot of practice since being comfortable on my own – I’ve had to.I made friends with Rita and her friend group and invited Joffrey in. He’s recently joked about how he needs me to find the cool people and bring them to him. That’s a lot on me.When I was starting this new job, I got invited to a fancy, fun industry party for one of our shows, Deadline Divorce! I was so excited! But I was nervous about showing up on my own, and I wanted to bring Joffrey so I’d feel better about talking to people and making friends. Also, what a cool thing to do with your partner! Courtney and Logan from The Bachelor were there! Joffrey refused to take my picture with them. When I told a girl in my company I was a fan, she made sure I got my picture.Joffrey didn’t want to talk to anyone. He didn’t even want me to talk to anyone. Walt Junior from Breaking Bad was there and I just wanted to tell him, “Good job!” Joffrey looked at me from 50 feet away, like, I better not. A simple human interaction completely outside of him was too painful and embarrassing enough for Joffrey to make him angry, so I questioned myself.How amazing am I? I’m a bubbly, optimistic person who’s not afraid to talk to strangers, who knows celebrities are just people, and confident that I know boundaries – all of that I started to question. I didn’t want to make Joffrey upset, so I didn’t approach Walt Junior. I talked to him in passing later though. He was nice. Joffrey was so embarrassed and we left upset. I wish we could’ve just had fun and he could’ve seen how awesome it was with me.His extreme social anxiety hasn’t gotten better, and I see it rubbing off on me. He still doesn’t like it when I want to talk to strangers in public or do anything that gets us attention. I love attention! I love being free and funny, but he says people don’t get my sense of humor. It is unique, but it’s exciting when I find people like Cappie who share it. I miss it. I wish Joffrey thought it was funny and not painful… “Why did you do that? Why would you say that?” I like hearing Joffrey’s laugh.After Deadline Divorce, I got us into The, exclusive, Magic Castle, which had been a long time Hollywood goal of mine. It was so cool! But I remember having to be happy for the both of us. I wanted Joffrey to have fun with me on the date, but he was just there. I told him this later and he insisted it was a good date, but I didn’t feel that. For most of our dates he was numb. Thinking of leaving…When we started shooting things together during the pandemic, I saw him come to life again. I could breathe. I loved that we had something we could do and talk about that made us happy, and then I needed it. And the idea of losing it made me sad. We were perfect – the writer and the filmmaker. And we could shoot projects with our college friends, so we had a friend group again! Elliot moved out, Katy moved in. I had emotional support and a creative outlet. I was finally writing and acting, and seeing my work on screen again!But we never really talked about before. We’re really good at being good. We learned about our personality types and how we think differently, and now I hear Joffrey is leaning into his introverted side even more…I’m feeling like I want to go out on dates with someone who’s excited to be out, with someone who will take care of me in a social setting. I always have to do the talking for us, and Joffrey makes me feel embarrassed by it. I find myself worrying too much about what other people think.When other people do small things for me, I feel way too appreciative. I felt seen when Connell brought me water at the brewery because I wasn’t drinking at Joffrey's birthday. Like, someone was considerate and did something nice for me without me having to ask? I thought I was the only one who cared and anticipated others' needs!When I bought Easter eggs to hide because I thought it’d be fun to do an Easter egg hunt on Easter during one of our wrap parties – I wanted Joffrey to get excited with me, but he thought the idea was dumb. During the party, I asked if I should still hide them hoping he’d say yes – I thought it would be fun, but Joffrey shut me down again. Connell heard and hid a few Easter eggs for me as a surprise, and even left a message from the Easter bunny about them on the whiteboard. I thought that was really nice, and I wished Joffrey did sweet things for me like that – that he cared about what I care about.When I went to dinner with Bonnie and Carrie, we asked for honey butter and they brought out regular butter. Carrie asked again for the honey butter and it was nice that she took care of it without turning it into a big deal. I didn’t feel pressured to correct him and I didn’t fear a rebuttal from the table for pursuing a want of mine. Such a small thing, but I appreciated that she could handle simple communication and was on top of things for us.One time Joffrey ordered a bloomin’ onion when I was in the bathroom – was on my birthday Vegas trip. I didn’t have to convince him to get it; I wasn’t let down – he didn’t say we shouldn’t. He just knew I wanted it and he got it. I felt seen and taken care of. He did something just because he knew I’d love it.I run things by him a lot – should we get this and do this? I’m usually shut down. At Idyllwild I asked him, “You know all you have to do is say yes and I’ll get the thing or do the thing?” I don’t need him to say yes, but I am looking for his input. Sometimes he gives it.I wish he’d help with the things that excite me and get excited too. But I feel like it’s up to me to plan things I know we’ll both enjoy later, or hope we will. I wish I didn’t have to plan my birthday every year. I do love planning, but sometimes I wish he’d plan for me. Wisconsin Dells was sweet where he surprised me with my old roommate Jules, but that was once. I wish he’d do that more; it’d show me he was thinking of me.I guess that’s what I miss – someone surprising me... doing and planning things simply because they care to make me happy. I love surprising Joffrey, but he doesn’t like surprises, so I guess I don’t anymore. I’ve been wanting to surprise and go out with my friends instead.I told Joffrey a while back, actually for a while now – I’ve wanted to travel the world. I asked Joffrey two years ago if he’d go with me if I planned and paid for it all and he said he’d only want to go with a group of friends. That really hurt. He also said, “Why, so you can just take pictures of yourself everywhere?” He made me feel insecure about something so innocent.Lately, he’s taken an interest in taking photos of me, and that makes me feel loved and beautiful.Joffrey still seems uninterested in traveling. I’ve considered going on my own. I wouldn’t have to worry about making him happy. When I told him, about a month or so ago, I might want to travel someplace on my own, he told me no – that I’d break up with him if I left. When he said this I was hurt because I wasn’t actually considering that as a possibility. I just knew I was missing things I wanted in our relationship and an extreme amount of guilt for feeling that way. He didn’t know how much or have faith in how much I love him which also hurt and scared me.We went engagement ring shopping – I talked him into it. He doesn’t want to spend money on a ring – it’s a waste. He says rings aren’t important, even though they’re important to me, and he knows that.A couple of years ago he said he’d only want to be married if he were ready to have kids. I wanted to enjoy being engaged and newlyweds for a while before having kids; it would be nice to know I’d be with someone forever – officially family.Recently, he expressed he wanted to wait until he could use our engagement to get a promotion at work. I responded, “Okay – what if getting engaged now would help me at my work?” To which he was stumped.But now, I’m questioning whether it’s realistic to be with one person for the rest of my life. I enjoy flirting, and crushing, and falling in love. I also enjoy the comfort in the deep connection that Joffrey and I share.I thought, maybe we could have an open relationship and I could date guys who enjoy going out with me and who say nice things to me, who see me, but keep it short and fun and keep my deep connection with Joffrey. A lot of the shows I watch are promoting open relationships. It seems like the cool new thing. But when I tried to talk to Joffrey about it, he huffed he only wants me. He didn’t help me explore the idea deeper. When I go to him to work things out, he can’t guide me through my thoughts and feelings, or listen and let me figure it out on my own, or really give input. He just makes me feel wrong for feeling.It’s nice that he only wants me, but my parents are divorced. Maybe if they’d had an open relationship, and loved and trusted each other… It sounds nice, but the practicalities of it… I don’t like the thought of Joffrey with someone else, but I think really why that could never work with us is the lack of communication and support.I think that’s what this all comes down to. I wish that two years ago when I asked him to go to therapy with me he had. I think we’d be stronger for it. The therapist in my phone consultation two days ago said if he’s not willing to go with me now, that’s a clear sign I gotta dump him. Maybe I should’ve broken up with him two years ago when he wouldn’t then, but I wasn’t ready and I don’t regret it. I’m glad we’ve had the time we’ve had. Now though, if he’s not able to work on himself and us, then I’m ready. I can be happy on my own and I want the best for him and I hope he finds it. I hope we both do.How wonderful would it be if we loved each other through the process, explored ourselves apart, and then got stronger in our understanding of our individual wants and needs, and found a way back to each other, stronger, ready to truly love, support and communicate with one another? Or found peace in being a part, but that scarier.I think that’s what I need and want, and though it’s sad, writing this, I feel clarity, at peace, mature in recognizing that I need that for myself and maybe Joffrey needs it too.I wonder what percentage of couples take a break and find their way back to each other and stay together?I wish I could explain this to Joffrey and he’d listen. I just want to feel understood, so much so that I am to the point where I’m considering letting him read my private journal, my safe space.It seems so obvious to me that the way I’m feeling is a big deal. He says he can fix it, and doesn’t want to do therapy (though he’s now open to it) but I see clearly it’s the only way through this. I’ve already shared a lot, if not all of how I’m feeling with him in trying to talk. I even read him that one part, but it either hasn’t sunk in or he just isn’t seeing me. I care. I’m trying so hard to get us to that future where we’re both okay or together.I don’t see him committing to really fixing this. I hope he’d have an open heart in couples therapy with me and be fearless in digging into his experience, but he’s not great at talking things through – that’d take several therapy sessions on his own and a commitment to growing himself for himself and us. But it just doesn’t seem like he wants or feels the need to try.And if he doesn’t want to change or if he wants to become someone different than what I need, that’s okay. Maybe I’m not right for him. Maybe now is not our time. And that’s okay.I’m worried Joffrey would read this and have the same reaction he had when I tried to talk with him – that he’d just give me all of the arguments, the defense to how I’m feeling instead of realizing that no matter his truth or intentions, this is how his partner’s feeling and take steps to act differently in the future – say how you’ll fix it.But I am a good writer! I’m great at expressing how I’m feeling. I’m proud of my writing. I’d love to publish this in contrast with my ninth grade journal to my boyfriend. I think the growth is cool and maybe other women would be interested in it!But Joffrey would probably hate that idea for the same reason he doesn’t want to go to therapy – the hard truth that he has growth to do, but what a beautiful truth, to recognize the need for growth. I have empathy though. I wouldn’t want to read this about myself – to see how I’ve hurt another person. No one wants to face their ugly side.I hope Joffrey learns it’s okay to lean on other people and gets comfortable in doing so. But I can’t keep worrying about Joffrey. All I do is worry about him and how he’s feeling and if he’s okay and I can’t anymore.I have to worry about myself. I should only have to take care of myself – I don’t have kids!How cool would it be though – to be so open to the world? So unafraid of what others may think. To know it’s okay if they think what you’re saying is wrong, that it can be right for you or you’re capable of growth – enough to publish your journals. I think people would care to hear what I have to say. But I still have that voice that says, no – who cares about your journal rambles? And I guess I don’t need to share, and probably shouldn’t share everything with everyone, but I’m an open person!Don’t we all crave a deeper understanding of one another and a desire to be seen? That’s all I want. Maybe one day…I need to accept that I need time apart and just hope that Joffrey can take care of himself and that he understands.I just left my mom a voicemail telling her, and asked her to come for Thanksgiving to Catalina. I’d love to see her get excited by the boat and how beautiful it is. I told her Joffrey and I were probably breaking up, but going to therapy and that I missed and needed her. How long has it been since I’ve seen her? I hope she comes.I could feel myself starting to have a panic attack, but then I started writing and it stopped.Last night, when we were watching YouTube on TV, I saw a video about gaslighting in his history. It would mean a lot if he’s trying to grow.I love my partner, but I still need space to figure myself out on my own for a while. I hope my partner loves me deep enough to give me that space. If so, I’d still love to do videos together! Once I figure things out, if he really, really commits to growing, maybe we could date again once our hearts have healed eventually. What a beautiful love that would be.Katy said she never wanted to show Freddie her journal when they were breaking up. I asked if she’d wanted him to read how she was feeling when talking didn’t work. But she said it was always for her and she didn’t think it ever would have been read in the correct headspace with him. She’s so wise!I also wish Joffrey would do what’s right without me having to tell him a million different ways. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Monday, November 1st, 2021 I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday, I couldn’t eat. I’m very hungry but can’t do food. I’m up two hours early, and can’t fall back asleep. I feel sick. Heartbreak is giving me the s***s.Joffrey was complaining I didn’t have to physically sacrifice anything (about the couch) and here I am.Joffrey has tried over the years, he really has, and he’s gotten better at communicating, but this is where we’re at. He says we don’t need therapy, that he can fix it if I would just stop leaving all week. I said it’s oka y to take time apart to reflect and continue the conversation, one talk at a time. In every talk, except the bathroom one, he’s been mean and he’s made it worse.This has been a good year. A really good year. I don’t want him to delete all of his One Seconds, and it hurts when I think about those.I’m trying to hang on because of all of the good times, but he’s making it harder by being ugly to me now and not having compassion for me.He said he wasn’t even upset at me about Dune. He took it out on me though. I’m scared to think if he was upset at me, that he’d be worse, like right now.He continues to make me feel like I’m blowing it out of proportion. It would be easier if I felt like I was. To just move on and not go through this.He said he wanted to do better, but he’s giving me such a hard time along the way when I tell him how.I’m grateful that Rita took care of me when I couldn’t stop sobbing and needed a friend. I wish though that she hadn't of texted Joffrey. Carrie and Bonnie also thought that was inappropriate. I could see her heart was in a good place. I told her I was certain about the break up before telling her everything, and to please not talk me out of it or say anything to Joffrey – she did both.Amy said all the guys she’s broken up with have been mean and that’s how they cope with their feelings – by getting defensive. Do guys just suck? Will it be like this if I try to date again eventually? Is this normal? Should I just accept being treated this way? What if Joffrey’s the best I got? Olivia said there are plenty of mature guys… I just want to feel understood and supported by my partner, but I don’t know how I can communicate any better – he said he was disappointed with my communication in all of this.Amy said they’d eventually be considerate of my feelings, but not at first. I truly hope so.When I left for work this morning, he moved up to the room without acknowledging me when I looked over to him. I get that he’s upset. I’m sad that he’s mad. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Sunday, October 31st, 2021 I went out with Rita yesterday. She doesn’t give the best advice, but she took care of me and I appreciated it. I cried almost all day and was confident about breaking up.Elena was also really nice. She was understanding and told me his behavior wasn’t okay and that my feelings are valid.Hanging with all my college friends, I felt like it would be cool to be single. Bar hopping with them was fun and going to the Avalon with Bonnie and her friends as VIPs with a table felt out of this world! We skipped the line – Cat Woman walked us in and we got a bunch of free drinks. Dancing with them, I felt free.I had a 20 minute problem-solving phone consultation with a therapist today. She encouraged me talk with Joffrey and to tell him how I’m feeling:When you…* Told me I was insane and I asked if you really thought that and you said yes, I felt abusive. It made me question whether I was a level headed person and when you... acted like it never happened, I was left feeling crazy and upset.* When you... said that I was idiotic for wanting to go see Dune as a group or as a date…* That I’m trying to make things harder for you…* That I’m selfish…* That it’s always about me…* That it shouldn’t matter…* When you... apologized for getting mad, but went on to talk about how I’m ruining things for you…* When I said you called me idiotic and you didn’t say anything and continued to insist I was trying to ruin things…* That I was making you be bad…* When you... attacked my understanding of social harmony…* And said I always do what I want and that you didn’t feel bad and changed your ticket…* I felt... like you had a lot of contempt towards me.* When you... were mad you saw Dear Evan Hansen with me when I thought I hadn’t made you and you were just doing something nice for me, I felt... confused.* When we... went to the Haunted Hayride and you said you should start saying no to me and you hated the date I planned, I felt... sad and that I needed to practice being happy just for me.* When you... didn’t want to talk through the first part of it, I felt... like it’s often up to me to have fun and I felt... alone and scared about dating you.* I wish... you’d have fun with me and not shut down my inner child and social butterfly.* To me that means... you’re embarrassed of me and don’t enjoy going out with me and I feel... you’re often annoyed by what excites me and I want to be excited.* When you... say I’m crazy and just being dramatic, I question myself…* When you... asked if we were breaking up and I told you I felt... hurt and you were annoyed that I put you in a tough situation, I felt... confused because I felt... like I hadn’t and sad that you blamed me.* When I told you about how I felt and you said I was holding a grudge, and said that you weren’t from when I hit you with a pillow, I felt... like you weren’t hearing that I was hurt and telling me I felt something else.* When you... rolled your eyes when I said you’d gaslit me, I felt... like you didn’t care…* When you... called me aggressive when I was calm, I felt... like you were changing my perception of myself and that’s really confusing. I wish… you would see me.* When you... complained that you shouldn’t have to apologize – that I was making it hard, I hadn’t asked for an apology and I felt... like you wanted to blame me when I was hurt. I felt... like you didn’t see me and that you were putting words in my mouth.* When you... laughed when I cried, I felt... like you didn’t care about my feelings at all. And then you said that this was all stupid.* I felt... like you thought I wasn’t entitled to my feelings and saw a red flag.* To me that means... that I don’t want to see myself through your eyes.* When you... said you had nothing to go off of when I wanted a break to cool down I felt… unheard.* When you... denied saying I was idiotic twice, I felt… gaslit, and scared that without this journal and proof, I’d have believed you and felt bad like usual, and apologized. To me... that’s emotional abuse.* When you... said I was misremembering I felt... angry because I’ve doubted myself so much in the past. When you… eventually downplayed it, I felt... like questioning if the gaslighting was intentional and it broke my heart to think so.* When we... lived with Elliot and you called me mean all the time and made me feel bad when I was upset, I felt... like you changed my perception of myself and I wish... you wouldn’t make me question the way I feel. I’m sad you still make me feel bad when it upsets me when you hang out with him. It makes me feel... like you’re not sorry for the way you treated me or the way he treated me when we lived with him. I wish you’d defend me.* I felt... wrong when I was sad and annoyed that no one talked to me at my birthday dinner and I felt... like I couldn’t confide in you when you got annoyed and made me feel bad. I wish... you’d have my back.* I wish... you’d pay me for my car.* After all this, when you... said you didn’t understand what was going on and I said I wanted to do couples therapy and you said it was excessive and not actually a big deal, I felt... hopeless...* When you... were annoyed and said we didn’t need to go, I still felt... gaslit and I wish... you’d have compassion for my feelings. I felt... that my feelings were wrong by you and I was terrified for our future.* When you... listened and said you’d do better and gave me space, I felt... respected and I wish... that it hadn’t of taken you feeling like I was going to end things for you to hear me. I felt... like you hadn’t listened all these years and questioned whether change was possible.* I wish… you wouldn’t say things I’m excited about are dumb, stupid, crazy or wrong. It makes me feel... that we’re not on the same page and that you’re not happy for me when I’m happy. They may be to you, which makes me sad, but I find myself doing less of the things that make me, me – I wish... I could share more with you.* I’m scared that you’re my person, but that we need to be apart for me to get myself back and to flourish and for you to grow. That I’m missing communication and mature love from you in our relationship.* I’m also scared that you’re not my person and I don’t want to lose you, but I’m scared it’s not working.* I wish… you’d be open to couples therapy with me, so we can figure out what we should do, and love each other and have compassion for each other’s feelings out of that love in the process. But I feel... scared that you won’t hear me, be annoyed and not be able to communicate.* I feel... like I do the heavy lifting communication wise in our relationship, and I wish... you’d take care of me the same. I’m exhausted by the name calling and begging you to treat me right. I feel... I can’t teach you anymore and the rest is up to you.* You may feel differently, but please don’t tell me what I’m feeling is wrong and make me doubt myself, or make me feel bad for feeling this way because it’s confusing for me when you do that, and it makes me not trust my feelings. Expressing my feelings, which I know probably hurt you too, like you know – is very hard to do.Before I read this to him, I asked if he wanted to talk first. He said he didn’t like how I’ve handled this – I am proud of how I did.He was mostly concerned with himself and how hard it’s been for him. He said he wished I’d talked to him instead of Rita. I guess she texted him her support.After I read this, he said he was open to therapy but he still didn’t think it was necessary. Everything was fine two weeks ago! But he apologized. He explained he’s been trying to lean into his introverted side more and he felt like he had to go out with me because two years ago, I got upset when he didn’t come to Rita’s birthday with me. I remember that – communicating I felt I needed my partner there; at the time, I didn’t know anyone. I barely knew Rita. I don’t make him come to things. I feel I respect his introverted side.He assured me he’d pay me for my car – he’d just forgotten…I just had dinner with Bonnie and Carrie. They really listened to me and they let me work through how I felt without telling me how I should feel. I am more confident about breaking up, again. I didn’t like how Joffrey was upset that I’d confided in a friend yesterday, but he never tried to communicate with me beforehand when I was crying and when I told him I was going over there.He still felt more defensive than sad or compassionate towards me. But I know he cares and wants to try. I’m worried that he’s unsatisfied with me being so extroverted – I don’t really know why he wants to hang on if he gets so annoyed by me. I am a great girlfriend, but I need support too, and in talking to him, I just don’t know if he understands emotions or himself or how to communicate feelings and words yet. And I can’t just keep hoping it’ll get better even though I feel he will one day and be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, but I do feel our relationship would be better if he could communicate and express himself.Maybe breaking up will give him the space to explore himself and me the space to surround myself with people who support me.It was a point in his favor for giving me space and sleeping on the couch, but then he made me feel bad about it after by complaining. I need to trust how I feel here.I came home and very maturely told Joffrey, crying, that I know this is scary and really hurts, and that I miss sleeping and hanging with him, but it’s really hard for me to do that when I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me, and us. Being close makes me want to just forget and move past it – but if we have a future, I need to move through this even though it’s sad.I told him I wouldn’t make him sleep on the couch, but it would make me more comfortable. He wanted to just put pillows in between us. I was considering it, but then he got really ugly. He continued to complain about how I was handling this entire situation, and that he didn’t get why we couldn’t work through this together and not bring a therapist in. He told me he didn’t know who I was. He thought this was all happening because he went to see a movie by himself.I told him he needed to sleep downstairs and he was mad. I poured my heart out to him to try to help him understand. He didn’t validate my feelings – he argued against them. And he didn’t have compassion for me in the convo – it was all about him and how I was being ridiculous. He didn’t say that this time, but that was the gist.For a second he listened I think, related to my feelings and maybe felt bad, but it was a lot of me repeating myself and standing up for my feelings. I begged him not to keep making me try to make him understand. That I couldn’t keep telling him. I begged him to let me sleep – that I had work in the morning, over and over. He kept me up for over an hour.I was desperately compassionate and honest. He admitted he’d thought about breaking up with me right before the pandemic when he was considering moving back home. He assumed I probably knew – I didn’t. I told him he left me guessing and it was really hard and scary, but I was going to support him and what he needed out of my love for him.He wanted me to do my own therapy first. I disagreed based on what the therapist told me today, but he kept insisting. I told him he was making this really hard and I wish he’d listen to what I’m saying and not continuously argue against what I need.He kept complaining about how I was asking him to sleep on my memory foam pull out couch, so I told him he could look for a place. He kept asking if I was serious, all because of one thing.I didn’t discount that we were happy when we went camping a couple of weeks ago. We’re good partners – we’re family, but right now he’s being an unsupportive partner.He spat instead of breaking up with me before and kicking me out of the bed, he decided to go home for three weeks; he suggested I do the same.I responded by telling him that was really mean and he needed to let me sleep. I opened the door for him and he said, “Who even are you? I don’t even recognize you! Like, who are you?” I was ready for him to leave.I remember jumping on that plane when the pandemic hit, excited to be with him, but now I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have. But he didn’t communicate that he needed space, so…It did get better there for a while, and it was beautiful. But seeing this side of him, where he’s still unsupportive and ugly to me when he hurt me! He thought I should be the one to sleep on the couch and that I was being mean to him when I’ve only been considerate and so patient and kind through my sincere love in all of this.I’m asking myself the same question – who is he? But I’m not surprised. This isn’t out of nowhere. I recognize him.I think he’s trying to find reasons to play victim now, even though he apologized and said he wanted to do better, which is confusing. When he wouldn’t leave and was being mean, I told him to be a man, and to go sleep downstairs. He was all, “Wow, OK.” I said I was serious. Me, attacking his manhood! Wow! How could I? He must be really upset that I said that. Oh no! Poor Joffrey. I really am just the worst, huh?I get that he’s upset about what’s going on, but he doesn’t have to be mean. Earlier he said I was making him out to be a monster – I don’t think he’s a monster.I can’t sleep. I’m realizing that it was really good when Katy was here because we supported each other emotionally. I had a panic attack after she told me she was moving. I think you need a good friend in addition to your partner. But shouldn’t you feel supported by your partner? Isn’t that the point?Trying to go to a happy place so I can sleep, but most of my happy places include Joffrey. Big Sur with Katy. The lake as a kid. Community College, being single and having so many friends. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Saturday, October 30th, 2021 I talked to Olivia before she moved. Her and Voldemort saw me crying out front. She invited me in and told me this was normal for my age. She said I needed distance to flourish and he needed distance to grow. And that there are plenty of mature, grounded men out there. She agreed waiting until therapy to break up was a good idea. I couldn’t sleep, I woke up weeping. I am heartbroken.My zoom audition went really well. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Friday, October 29th, 2021 He wants me back. He’s tired of feeling sad. This week has been hard for him. But he doesn’t understand what’s going on.I shared that I’d called my work’s Employee Assistance Program and we could both get three therapy sessions for free with someone we’re comfortable with. I explained I wanted to do couples therapy because I love him. He responded, it feels like you’re just trying to push me out and break up with me – there must be something else. I assured him I’d been honest with him and I’d said everything I’d needed to say. I wouldn’t make him go, but I wanted to for us.He thought it seemed excessive. That it’s not actually a big deal – we’ve fought about worse. He was annoyed and said we didn’t need to go, that we could just talk.I told him I needed a therapist and that even now, he’s downplaying my feelings.“You’re just mad because I said your idea is stupid – is that it?”I stayed strong. And it breaks my heart. But this is clearly gaslighting. And even though he wants to make up, he had no compassion for my feelings – they were just wrong.I found Joffrey crying in the bathroom. In the last five years I’ve never seen him cry. He thought he might be having a panic attack, like I’d had so many times in the past five years; he wasn’t. I rubbed his back and got him water. I told him I needed him to look at me and really listen. Eventually he was able to look up at me. He didn’t understand what was wrong. He said this was what his last break up felt like.I, again, explained how I felt and what I thought we should do. This time he said he’d do better. That it was hard for him to understand the emotions and he wasn’t trying to be mean, but now he has something to work with. “Now...”I told him I need to see action and that I love him, but need space.When I started explaining how I felt, he only rolled his eyes once at the beginning. I think he took it in.I went to Horror Nights with Jonah instead of Joffrey. It was tough because I was really excited to go with Joffrey. I had a really good time and we got incredibly lucky with the lines. Jonah was supportive of me and a good friend. Though, I was out $50 because Jonah couldn’t pay full price and Joffrey didn’t want to pay me for the ticket.When I came home, Joffrey and I had a chat about our evenings. I have an audition tomorrow at 9 AM, so he asked me to wake him and he’d move downstairs. I suggested that he sleep downstairs. At first, he rejected the idea as it would be uncomfortable, but I told him I was uncomfortable upstairs. With sad eyes he pleaded, “Please don’t make me sleep downstairs,” which tore my heart. I told him I wouldn’t make him do anything, but I’m asking for space. He agreed.I went upstairs and he’d rearranged, though I’d asked him not to, and hung up vines (which I loved) and seeing them made me cry. They looked so good, and I don’t want him to take them down…It’s so hard to not dismiss my feelings when he does sweet things. I have to remember that he’s hurt me by making me feel bad about my feelings, a lot, and I want to be with someone who doesn’t shut me down.It’s hard sleeping alone tonight. It’s hard knowing he’s hurting too and feeling like it’s my fault. But I don’t want to comfort him because I feel bad.I’m surprised he agreed to take the couch this time. He’s never done that when I’ve asked for space before. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Thursday, October 28th, 2021 I’m so upset. We went to bed and he tried to rest a hand on me. I feel uncomfortable to his touch. I don’t want to feel this way, but I keep thinking about how he denied saying everything I’d said was idiotic. I stayed strong and repeated what I knew. He assured me I was misremembering. I told him I’d written it down. Eventually, he downplayed it.I feel like Joffrey can’t be gaslighting me – not this whole time. That’s not him, the man I love. But it seems so clear to me that he is and writing it down has just given me my first proof.I will be okay on my own. Happy without someone who…He laid his head in my lap and I was repulsed. He stood behind me while I sat on the couch. I didn’t want him to kiss me goodbye. He kissed my cheek. I usually just move on and forget. Not this time…?I want him to not call me crazy and make me doubt my feelings. Even on my birthday he made me feel like I was wrong for being upset that no one talked to me at my birthday dinner. But he doesn’t ever think he’s wrong. That I should apologize. I usually do.I keep remembering how he wouldn’t confide in me about his fight with his childhood friend Sawyer, and how our friend Justin reached out to me concerned. I think back to when we lived with Elliot and how Joffrey destroyed my perception of myself and how he still hangs with Elliot and makes me feel bad about not liking it.The more I write, the more heartbroken I am by what I’m learning. But I’m numb to the cycle. I even doubt myself here, but I feel like I have to see and love myself enough to do what's best for me, even though it’ll hurt.I just… thought we were it. Am I making a mistake? It’s easier to think that I’m “crazy” or “dramatic.”He never paid me for my car… Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Wednesday, October 27th, 2021 Joffrey went to see Dune by himself and I went with Voldemort and the neighbors. It was great! I’m so excited to get to know Ramy and Rori better.When I came home, Joffrey was already in bed, so I watched a documentary about gender inequality in Hollywood. When I came up to bed he was getting off TikTok. We didn’t talk or cuddle.He did work out with me earlier which meant a lot, but it was obvious he didn’t want to. I didn’t want to make him go, so I waited downstairs until the last minute hoping he’d come.“Am I still invited to that?” he questioned in a negative tone.“Of course!”It was fun and he did a good job! I just wish things weren’t – that all of the above hadn’t just happened. I think we’d have enjoyed it more. After, he showered and quickly left to catch his movie without saying goodbye.Yesterday, he wanted to act like nothing had happened. I was still hurt, but I didn’t want to force him into apologizing or asking me about my feelings – I need to remember that he is capable. And even if he doesn’t ever bring it up again, that’s fine.I’m learning that I don’t need him to understand or say that what he said was wrong. I know it was for me and that’s enough. If he doesn’t want to fix it, I can’t make him, and I don’t want to anymore. I told him I was hurt, and that’s enough.I’m glad I’m journaling. It helps me feel better and I am able to self-validate and not question myself and sanity later.I had a good time with Joffrey last night because I love him, even though I’m hurt. But when we went to bed he wanted to cuddle. It’s cliché, but my head was very happy because he’s rarely the big spoon. He usually doesn’t even let me cuddle him. I said I was hot and needed space, but he persisted and flirted, which made my head happy, but my heart still hurt. I accidentally said, “I don’t want you touching me,” and he still persisted which made my head mad. I insisted on space, and now I’m afraid he’s mad at me. But I’m writing here so I can reinforce that I am a good, caring person – my own person.I know things will get better. Dinesh’s invited me to Jordan a few times now! That would be so cool! I told Joffrey and I think he called me crazy… I changed the vibe and told him he should come. Hmmm… Dinesh also wants to go to Catalina and Horror Nights with us. Deeper friendships are blossoming! And I have four auditions!! Two musicals, two films. I’m going to kill it! And have fun just auditioning!I had drinks with Catherine tonight. I’m excited to have a new friend. It was nice going into work and working with her. And seeing my boss, Tara, was nice!Catherine and I talked about our partners. She said her boyfriend lets this other girl cuddle up to him even though she’s expressed her discomfort. He’s also BFFs with a guy who hit a woman. But when I told her about Joffrey, she said he’s been gaslighting me and that he reminded her of her college boyfriend and that I have it worse. I don’t think so… But it was helpful to get another woman’s perspective.I came home, grabbed a glass of wine and Penny and went to the roof. Joffrey was on Xbox. I came back eventually and went upstairs. We had a brief convo through the bathroom door and now he’s back on Xbox.I went downstairs and he asked if I was going to break up with him. He noticed I’d been distant. I told him I felt hurt. He was frustrated. He told me I’d put him in a tough situation. I repeated how I felt. He said I was holding a grudge. That I’d hit him with a pillow out of hanger, and he wasn’t holding a grudge.I told him he was/had gaslit me – he rolled his eyes. I was calm and compassionate. He called me aggressive. He didn’t get why it was such a big deal – I tried to explain that it wasn’t the scenario, but the way he’d treated me. He circled back and complained that he shouldn’t have to apologize, that I was the one making it hard for him. I told him twice I wasn’t looking for an apology. I could see him so clearly putting words in my mouth. He kept blaming me. I cried, he laughed. I told him we could continue talking later. He refused. He asked why. I wanted him to listen – I felt like he wasn’t hearing me. I wanted to speak to him when he was compassionate and not annoyed. He tried to say this was all stupid – not to me. I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said no because he loves me, but after all of the above, RED FLAG.I love him so much. I told him that. He rolled his eyes. I don’t want to lose my Joffrey, but I don’t want to see myself through his lens. I know I’m more beautiful and special than that. I told him I needed space, and though he fought it, we should take time to relax and think about what the other had said and then continue. He said he had nothing to go off of.He’s watching TV now and I’m writing this. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Monday, October 25th, 2021 We want to go see Dune. Gavin, Dinesh, Ramy, Rori, Joffrey and I are all in a group chat. I tell them our roommate, Voldemort, wants to come as well. They want to see it at seven. Joffrey tries to convince them to see it at 9:30 PM in a nicer theater, but they have to get up early. I expressed that I’m fine with seeing it at 9:30 PM, but as a date (I don’t want to be Joffrey and Voldemort’s third wheel), as a date or as a group.Joffrey freaks out and tells me everything I’m saying is idiotic. He says I’m trying to make everything harder for him. I stay calm – I don’t think I’m unreasonable. I tell him I wish he’d listen to me and what I want and not get mad. He calls me selfish. I tell him it’s not about making him feel anyway, it’s about me and what I’m comfortable with. He says it’s always about me. He insisted we go on dates all the time, and it’s a movie, so it shouldn’t matter. It matters to me. And I didn’t say this, but we don’t go out on dates. We do things, but he doesn’t ever take me anywhere romantic or surprise me with anything romantic or say anything romantic…Actually, this weekend he told me he’d remember us doing it in the cabin forever. That I was beautiful and sexy and it was magical. It was.I had another dream last night about Connell. We were walking around, holding each other. He broke up with Brit, who Joffrey was walking with. I met Connell’s family – they read my palms. I wanted to find my dad, brother and Joffrey. We were driving around New York and I sat next to Connell. I was amazed by the Christmas lights – he kissed my neck and I wanted to break up with Joffrey. Usually, we never touch.But that’s just a dream. I don’t even know if I actually like him. Maybe I just need someone to crush on and romanticize. I don’t know what to do for future me – marry Joffrey, who I love and who’s amazing, most of the time...The rare moments like now scare me. The things he said were cruel. Like at the Haunted Hayride – he was so mad and directed at me. I wanted to leave early to find parking, but he was playing a game on Xbox. The parking was bad, but not impossible. I remained positive and he remained a mean child. He said he should start saying no to me and that he hated going to things where he’d have to wait in lines. He loves haunted houses! I was hurt because I’d been excited for a long time and had planned this date for us. The lines weren’t long and I stayed happy for me, so we had a good time, even though he didn’t want to talk to me through the first half of it. I led us through the haunted house without hanging onto him (mostly) fearlessly.What if I did – what if I were enough? What if it were just me… I don’t know.It also doesn’t make sense for us not to be in each other's lives. I don’t want us to ever live apart. The idea of becoming strangers just wrecks me. I really, really love him.He just came back in, all smiley, and it’s hard not to instantly forget and move past it. But I wanted to talk. I laid on the bed, staring out at the rain, calm, ready to talk and really listen. He said he got a seat by me and that he was sorry he got mad. I told him he said some mean things and he went on to talk about how everyone else, the neighbors, me, are ruining things for him and it’s frustrating. I brought up how he said that everything I said was idiotic and he didn’t say anything – he went back to insisting that I was ruining everything. I persisted with I wasn’t trying to ruin anything. He threw out that he saw Dear Evan Hansen with me even though he didn’t want to. I told him he didn’t have to, and that it was nice, but we shouldn’t owe each other. He argued I was making him be bad by making him uninvite Voldemort. I wasn’t making him do anything. He said how could I not get it, how it’s bad, when I’m supposed to understand social harmony. He changed his ticket to see it alone and told me I always do what I want so he doesn’t feel bad. Lots of contempt towards me. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Sunday, October 10th, 2021 Our flight got canceled yesterday so we’re spending two more nights with Joffrey’s family. Last night Joffrey finally offered to go see Dear Evan Hansen with me. We got back around midnight. I hadn’t eaten since 2 PM. I planned to get dinner at Taco Bell after the movie but it closed due to unforeseen circumstances. The luck! There was another Taco Bell open only ten minutes away but Joffrey didn’t want to take me – he told me to accept my fate.So we went to bed. It’s hot in the room and I’m getting frustrated because I’m hungry, sweaty, and I can’t get the blinds to stay open to push the window up. Then a spider falls down on me and I jump back panicked!At this point, Joffrey chimes in and says something to make me angry that I can’t remember now, but I’m guessing it was the usual, “You’re fine,” or, “You’re so dramatic.” I hate it when I’m upset and he says this, as he knows. So I hit him with a pillow. He says something else, so I hit him with the pillow a few more times. He turns around, and I think a pillow fight might be kind of sexy. But I’m mad that he’s not taking me seriously so I go to the bathroom.When I’m back, I’m calmer and I apologize for hitting him with a pillow. He doesn’t brush it off, make a joke, apologize himself, or forgive me. Instead, he tells me I’m insane and aggressive. I tell him he gets angry when he’s hungry and he remarked that he still doesn’t hit me with pillows. I ask him if he really thinks that I’m insane and he says yes. He turns off the light and goes to bed.I start crying because now I feel abusive. He tells me to stop and to come to bed – he doesn’t seem upset. He says there are worse things to be hit by which makes me feel even more abusive, but I never wanted to hurt him. Did I hurt him? I cried myself to sleep wondering if I have anger issues like my brother in childhood, but to my partner. But I feel like I’m a level headed person. Why would my partner call me these names? I feel like hitting him with a pillow isn’t that crazy of a situation. And now he just wants to act like it never happened, but it did – my partner left me feeling crazy. And I’m upset about it. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Dear Diary,I think I’ve needed a place to reflect that’s separate from the judgment of the outside world for a while. I’ve been hesitant because I’ve brought that judgment into my diaries in the past when reading through previous entries, but I want to create a sacred space where I can relieve stress without fear. This is the start of my self-soothing and self-validating journey. Goodbye perfectionism!I have an interview with the president of Reality TV Corp. in ten minutes! I’ve done a lot of prep work and my friends and family have been very supportive. I’m nervous, but I hope to just be myself. This will be a fun week! We’re going to Bryce’s birthday party tonight, doing an escape room with Rita and Cappie tom orrow, and Samantha wants to hang out this weekend!My Dallas trip with the fam was so special! And I got to come back to hang with Connell and Wade all by myself. We went to an arcade and I stayed the night! Then, Joffrey and I had The Best Singer softball practice. It was so great to see my Best Singer fam again. They make me feel so special. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

Dear Reader, You’re about to read through the end of my five year relationship. I wrote down every moment – what happened, how I felt about it…We were in love. We were happy. We thought we were it. Our friends all thought we were perfect – how could they notice the cracks when I myself didn’t even know they were there? There were too many we didn’t fix, and it broke me.I’ve decided to share this with you – maybe you’re in a relationship and something just doesn’t quite feel right, maybe you’re also going through a break up, or maybe you just want to be entertained. Whatever you’re feeling, I hope this makes you feel less alone.My Fictional Diary || Part One || The End… Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe

I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them. In order to maintain their anonymity, in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations and places of residence.But this is actually all fiction. I’m crazy, so I’ve made it all up, right? My feelings and perceptions were always wrong. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe