Flip Your Mindset

Welcome back to the Flip Your Mindset Substack. We are thrilled to bring you another insightful conversation. Today, Dr. Bethany Bilodeau is back with us. While our previous episode explored childhood diagnoses like ADHD and ODD , today we are focusing strictly on the challenging behaviors you are dealing with inside your home.About the Guest: Dr. Bethany BilodeauDr. Bethany Bilodeau is a leading behavior specialist and the author of Ease the Pain in the Classroom. She specializes in identifying the root causes of severe behavioral challenges for individuals from ages 3 to 22. Her work shifts the paradigm away from strict compliance and moves toward creating deep emotional connection and safety.When Picking a Fight is Actually a Cry for RegulationIt is incredibly easy to view a confrontational child as acting out maliciously. However, starting conflicts can actually be a way for a child’s scattered nervous system to regulate itself. When a child picks a fight, the conflict activates and engages their brain. It forces them to focus on a single point, allowing them to momentarily think and problem-solve.Often, children have no idea they are intentionally causing conflict. They are seeking the intense emotional feedback that an argument provides. To navigate this, caretakers must prioritize connection over correction.Here are a few ways to implement this strategy:* Do not take the bait when a child attempts to pull you into an argument.* Instead of repeatedly asking them to stop the behavior, offer an unexpected hug to distract and divert their attention.* Provide generous positive feedback during the moments when they are not instigating conflict.* Acknowledge their restraint when they successfully navigate a situation without starting a fight, even if the peaceful moment only lasted a few seconds.The Hidden Threat of CalmMany parents are baffled when their home finally reaches a calm state, only for a child to immediately create a new crisis. This cycle is not a coincidence. The body releases stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine, which help keep the brain aroused and focused. Over time, individuals can become addicted to these stress hormones.For a child or adult whose nervous system is conditioned for hypervigilance, sudden calmness can feel foreign, disarming, and even threatening. They subconsciously trigger chaos as a protective mechanism because it feels familiar and safe. Teaching your child to sit comfortably in stillness is a critical skill.Productivity: Discipline or Trauma Response?We are a culture that frequently praises a fully packed schedule. We reward students who pile on extracurricular activities and push themselves to the limit. Yet, constantly needing to be busy can actually serve as a nervous system strategy to avoid discomfort.Here are ways to assess and support your busy child:* Ask your child if their activities are actually fun, or if they are participating purely to seek external validation.* Discuss the concept of physical and mental recovery, emphasizing that the body requires downtime to rebuild.* Pay attention to whether a loved activity has turned into a dreaded chore, which often happens when the focus shifts entirely to competition instead of play.Rethinking Laziness and LethargyOn the opposite end of the spectrum, a child who appears apathetic, withdrawn, or lethargic is quickly labeled as lazy. This hypoaroused state is often just another form of dysregulation.Behaviors like procrastination and lethargy are frequently the nervous system’s way of conserving energy. Furthermore, what looks like a lack of motivation might actually stem from biological factors:* Difficulty accessing certain areas of the brain due to different types of attention challenges.* Underlying physical needs, such as a lack of proper hydration, poor diet, or insufficient sleep.Moving ForwardParenting happens in the deepest depths of the trenches, and it is exhausting work. By replacing harsh criticism with empathy and connection, we can propel our children toward greatness. By utilizing a comprehensive approach to emotional and physical well-being, we can better support the kids who need it most.Links and Resources* Get the Book: Ease the Pain in the Classroom: A Guide to Safety and Regulation by Dr. Bethany Bilodeau is available through The Behavior Bootcamp.* Website: Visit The Behavior Bootcamp to learn more about her programs and strategies.* Take the Assessment: Are hidden patterns holding you back? Gain clarity on your emotional well-being by taking my free H.U.R.R.T. self-assessment at https://www.flipyourmindset.com/hurrtSee you on the flip side! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

What if you could train your brain to find calm after living in a constant state of high alert? This week on the podcast, I sat down with Dolly Regier, an expert in neurofeedback and the founder of Balanced Brains + Bodies. Dolly brings a wealth of knowledge with her Master of Education in Neuroscience and Trauma, but she also brings her deeply personal experience as both an adoptee and an adoptive mother.We discussed the complex layers of developmental trauma and how emerging technologies are offering new paths to healing. Here are my biggest takeaways from our conversation.The Primal Wound and Implicit MemoryWe often think of trauma as a specific, terrible event. However, as Dolly and I discussed, trauma is actually what happens inside the body as a result of an event. For adoptees, this often begins with what is known as the primal wound.When a baby is separated from its biological mother, there is an immediate loss of connection. These are pre-verbal, implicit memories stored deep within the nervous system. The body remembers this lack of safety, keeping the nervous system in a chronic state of fight or flight. For Dolly, this hypervigilance showed up as overachievement and people-pleasing: coping mechanisms she used to secure connection and safety.The Limits of Talk TherapyWhen we experience trauma, our standard response is to seek talk therapy. But what happens when talking about the trauma actually re-triggers the nervous system?Talk therapy relies heavily on the prefrontal cortex, which is the logical, decision-making part of the brain. Trauma, however, lives in the amygdala, the brain’s survival center. The amygdala does not process language; it processes instinct and safety. This is why traditional therapy can sometimes feel like you are spinning your wheels while your body remains in a state of panic.What is Neurofeedback?This is where neurofeedback comes in. Dolly described it beautifully: it is like holding a mirror up to the brain.During a session, sensors are placed on the scalp to monitor cortical activity. As you listen to a soundtrack, the software detects turbulence or dysregulation in your brainwaves and creates tiny pauses in the audio. These pauses alert the brain to its own dysregulation.Think of it like defragging a computer hard drive. The brain recognizes the disorganized information, intuitively self-corrects, and brings itself back to a state of calm and present-moment regulation. It is entirely passive. You do not have to relive painful memories or even speak a word.Parenting Trauma: Why Love Is Not Always EnoughOne of the most profound parts of our conversation centered on parenting children with trauma histories. The old advice of “just love them and they will be fine” falls incredibly short.When an adopted child exhibits challenging behaviors, they are rarely acting out of malice. These behaviors are survival adaptations. The child is trying to take control in a world that fundamentally feels unsafe. Traditional parenting methods, or even approaches that worked for biological children, often fail because they do not address the dysregulated nervous system underneath the behavior.Final ThoughtsHealing the nervous system is a vital component of emotional wellness, especially within the adoption space. Our brains possess an incredible capacity for change, meaning we do not have to remain stuck in survival mode.Resources for You:* Connect with Dolly Regier: To learn more about at-home neurofeedback training, visit her website at https://www.balancedbrainsandbodies.com/* Take the Assessment: Are hidden patterns holding you back? Gain clarity on your emotional well-being by taking my free H.U.R.R.T. self-assessment at https://www.flipyourmindset.com/hurrtSee you on the flip side! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s conversation is not a standard discussion about narcissism. It is not a simple checklist of traits , nor is it a basic “five signs you are dealing with a narcissist” type of overview.In our latest episode, I sit down with Kimberly Weeks to discuss a deeply uncomfortable but incredibly necessary new documentary called The Narcissist’s Playbook. Directed by Mark Vicente, who spent over a decade inside the Nexium organization before realizing the truth about its leader, the film asks one central question: “How did I not see it?”.This documentary does something completely different. It lets you hear directly from self-aware malignant narcissists who openly explain how they think, how they operate, and why they manipulate. There are no filters and no softening. They lay out their tactics in real time.The Illusion of the HookOne of the most insidious patterns Kimberly Weeks and I discuss is the initial fast-moving connection, often recognized as love bombing. When a predatory personality hones in on you, it can feel intoxicating. It feels like you have finally met someone who sees you, understands you, and appreciates every detail about your life.However, as Kimberly Weeks explains in our interview, this is not a genuine connection. It is a highly calculated strategy. The offender acts like a chameleon, shape-shifting to become the exact character you need in order to feel attached. They study you, mirror your desires, and lull you into a sense of absolute safety. Once the hook is in, the psychological abuse begins.The Covert Threat in Plain SightWe also explore the dangerous reality of covert or communal narcissists. Unlike the loud, grandiose personalities we often picture, covert narcissists are the “undercover” operators. They are the people pulling strings behind closed doors to pit others against one another, all while maintaining an altruistic public image.They purposely hide in positions of trust. They are community leaders, mentors, and individuals running charitable organizations. They seek out these positions to access vulnerable populations, utilizing people to feed their own need for power with total disregard for the devastating harm they cause.Facing the RealityRealizing that you have been on the receiving end of this manipulation is shattering. It forces you to question your entire reality and watch the whole house of cards fall. But as we emphasize in our conversation, accepting the reality of what happened is the bravest thing you can do. It moves you out of the confusion and gives you the clear agency to make different choices moving forward.The knowledge shared in this documentary is vital for survivors, families, and anyone trying to navigate these complex, toxic dynamics. The film is self-funded and relies on a grassroots effort to reach the people who need it most.If this message resonates, be part of getting this truth out:➡ Donate to help complete and distribute The Narcissist’s Playbook film: https://www.narcissistsplaybook.com/short-trailer-landing-page?utm_source=weeks_aff_uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We see the statistics on the news constantly, but we rarely hear about the families left to pick up the pieces.Today on Flip Your Mindset, we are having a conversation that society often tries to avoid. It is a heavy topic, but it is an incredibly necessary one. We are talking about the hidden, long-term trauma of gun violence and how it physically alters our bodies and our communities.I sat down with Jill McMahon, a licensed professional counselor who spent 20 years specializing in suicide loss and bereavement. She is also a survivor herself. Jill brings a perspective that challenges the mainstream narrative and offers a real path forward for those struggling to find safety in an unpredictable world.During our conversation, Jill shared insights that literally made me catch my breath. Here are just a few realities we face today:* The 50% Reality: Over 50% of adults in the United States report being impacted or threatened in some way by gun violence. This means half the people you interact with daily are carrying this specific weight.* The Ripple Effect: For every death by firearm suicide, an average of 135 individuals are impacted. It is not just the immediate family; it is the first responders, the coworkers, and the witnesses.* The Invisible Brain Injury: Trauma literally changes our neurobiology. If we looked at a brain scan before and after a traumatic event, they would physically look different.* The Generational Burden: Our children are growing up hardwired for hypervigilance. They sit in classrooms identifying the fastest exits instead of just learning. The cortisol and stress placed on their nervous systems at such a young age is changing an entire generation.One of the most profound moments of the interview was when Jill explained how our bodies process fear. She noted that we are really good at putting on a mask for society, but if you do not clean the trauma out, your body will eventually show you what your brain tries to hide.However, this episode is not just about the heavy statistics. It is about hope, recovery, and regulating our nervous systems. Jill utilizes a concept in her workshops called “The Lemon Test” to prove a very simple fact: your brain believes what you tell it whenever you tell it. The amygdala does not have a filter. If you tell yourself you are broken, your body responds in kind.Jill wants every survivor to know one vital truth: You are not broken. You are bruised. We are wounded, but healing is completely possible.This is an episode I believe everyone needs to hear. Whether you have been directly impacted, or you simply want to understand the anxiety walking through our communities, there is something in this conversation for you.If you found value in this conversation, please hit the like button, leave a comment, and share this post with someone who might need to hear it. Let’s keep this important dialogue going.See you on the flip side,Stacey Uhrig*** Resources Mentioned in the Episode:* Take my free Hurt Self-Assessment: flipyourmindset.com/hurt* Learn more about Jill McMahon’s practice: jillmcmahoncounseling.com* Read Jill’s book: Bulletproof: Healing after gun violence and trauma (Available on Amazon) This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever noticed the same negative thoughts showing up again and again? These thoughts are automatic and usually not very kind. You might have an active inner critic, which I like to call the itty bitty shitty committee.I recently recorded a solo podcast episode about this exact topic. My amazing podcast manager, Starlin Santos Cruz, encouraged me to start sharing more of the insights I usually save for my one-on-one clients. We often think our limiting beliefs are just facts about who we are, but the truth is much more complex.Redefining SurvivalI want to start by saying something clearly: the stories that you tell yourself are not random. They formed during survival.When people hear the word survival, they often think of extreme situations. But survival happens quietly and covertly. In this context, it means your nervous system is doing whatever it needs to do to maintain connection, predictability, or emotional stability.Survival can mean:* Learning to stay small because taking up space could create conflict.* Learning to stay alert because changing moods did not feel safe.* Learning not to need too much because your needs were not met consistently.Survival is not just about danger; it is about adaptation.Beliefs are Survival StrategiesHere is the reframe that changes things for people: beliefs are not opinions. They are survival strategies. They answer questions like: what do I need to believe to stay safe here?For many of us, those questions were answered early in life. Children are self-referential by nature. When trying to make sense of a confusing or painful experience, the conclusion often becomes “it must be me.” That single belief can shape an entire adult life. It turns into feeling like you need to work harder, stay in control, or not need too much.These are not personality traits. They are survival strategies.Why Forcing Positive Thoughts FailsThis is why arguing with your beliefs rarely works. When you try to force a new positive belief on top of an old survival story, your nervous system will resist.From the perspective of your nervous system, that old belief once kept you safe. It does not know that you are older now or that you have more choice. It only knows what worked in the past.Compassion Over ConflictYou cannot heal what you do not understand. Instead of asking how to get rid of a belief, try asking what was happening when this belief became necessary. That question changes your entire relationship with yourself. It brings compassion in instead of conflict.Just because a story helped you survive does not mean it gets to run your life forever.If you are ready to explore this further, you can check out my eight-week live course called The Calm Code, where we gently update those old stories through safety and community, next cohort begins April 22, 2026: https://flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Welcome back to the Flip Your Mindset Substack! I recently sat down for a raw, honest conversation with Dr. Bethany Bilodeau, an expert in human behavior. I actually found Bethany scrolling on social media because she was speaking the exact same language I use with my clients. I had been researching literature to help the parents I work with, and everything she was saying aligned perfectly with what I was looking for. I had to get her on the show, and this conversation completely shifted my perspective.If you are a parent or educator feeling overwhelmed by challenging behaviors, this episode is going to change how you look at everything. Bethany is a behaviorist, but she does not rely on traditional behavior modification tactics like forced compliance. Instead, she focuses on finding out where a person feels unsafe and what underlying needs are not being met.Here is a breakdown of the core lessons from our powerful conversation.Behavior is a Smoke Signal, Not a Character FlawParents often come to me when their children are having meltdowns, struggling to focus, or showing complete apathy. In the traditional mental health model, these children are frequently slapped with labels like ADHD, ADD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder.Bethany views these actions through a completely different lens. She argues that behavior is simply a sign or a “smoke signal” that something is off. At our most basic level, humans are mammals. When an animal in the wild feels unsafe, it reacts with survival instincts like fight, flight, freeze, or submit. We are no different. Behaviors are adaptations to survive circumstances, and absolutely no child is born a problem. People love to say, “Oh, I’m just this way.” B******t. Everybody has learned how to survive their environments.The True Meaning of “Safety”Safety is the entire missing link when it comes to addressing behavior. But a lack of safety does not just mean physical danger. Bethany explained to me that a nervous system can feel threatened by a variety of hidden factors:* Environmental Triggers: A child’s nervous system might feel unsafe due to loud heating systems, fluorescent overhead lighting, or even toxic mold in the home.* Relational Disconnection: Children have a foundational need to know they matter and are lovable. If we are physically present but emotionally distracted by text messages or our phones, it can send a signal to the child’s body that they are not safe.* Neuroception: This is when the body senses something is off before the conscious mind is even aware of it. It is that feeling of the hair on your arms standing up.Rethinking Trauma and DiagnosesTrauma plays a massive, often ignored role in behavior. Bethany noted something that literally made me stop in my tracks: if you have been born, you have experienced post-traumatic stress disorder.She gave a profound example regarding a 17-year-old student who was adopted at birth. That child experienced relinquishment trauma because her body biologically sensed she had been removed from her source of origin. The nervous system reacts to this deep sense of abandonment and rejection, which can lead to extreme fight or flight reactions. These reactions are routinely misdiagnosed as ADHD or Bipolar Disorder.Even Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is completely misunderstood. It actually comes from a part of the brain called the anterior cingulate gyrus. When a child cannot shift or move forward because they do not feel safe, their automatic response is to shut down and say “no.” It is not defiance; it is a lack of perceived safety.The Danger of Compliance ModelsTraditional compliance models are dangerous because they force kids to stuff their emotions down. Bethany shared her own experience of being diagnosed with ADHD as a child. She was repeatedly told by well-meaning teachers to sit down and shut up, which caused her to stifle her true energy and identity for years.Changing an identity is terrifying for a child. A kid known for having meltdowns might be scared to become a “better person” because their bad behavior currently yields a predictable response from the adults around them. The crisis feels normal to them. They fear that if they change, they might lose the love and acceptance they rely on.The Ultimate TakeawayWe cannot heal what we do not understand. If the goal is just to modify a child’s behavior with positive reinforcement, you are screwed. You will fail because you are never addressing the core wound.I am viscerally passionate about this. I want to scream it from the rooftops because I hate seeing people being judged when all they are trying to do is survive the world. We need less judgment and more compassion. Instead of looking at a struggling child and asking “What is wrong with you?”, we must start asking “What happened to you?”To hear our full conversation, check out the latest episode of Flip Your Mindset. You can also find Dr. Bethany Bilodeau’s tools for educators and caregivers using the links below:* Get Dr. Bethany Bilodeau’s Book: “Ease the Pain in the Classroom: A Guide to Safety and Regulation”: https://www.thebehaviorbootcamp.com/* Visit The Behavior Bootcamp: https://www.thebehaviorbootcamp.com/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever felt emotionally exhausted without being able to point to a clear reason why? Or have you ever reacted strongly to something and wondered, “why did that hit me so hard?” Have you ever noticed that certain patterns keep repeating, even though you have worked so hard to break them?If any of those questions landed for you, I want to introduce a metaphor that sits at the very heart of my work: the invisible backpack.What Are You Actually Carrying?The invisible backpack is the emotional weight that you have been carrying without realizing it was ever placed on your shoulders. It is filled with beliefs, expectations, and protective patterns that made sense at one point in your life.You did not wake up one day and decide to pack it. Backpacks do not get filled all at once; they get filled slowly over small moments and experiences. Every time a need was not met or safety felt conditional, those moments were thrown into the backpack and carried forward.Surviving Other People’s WorldsHere is what goes deeper. Some of what you are carrying was never a response to your direct experience. It was a response to the environment you grew up in. We do not just learn to survive our own experiences; we learn how to survive inside other people’s emotional worlds.You might have inherited:* Hypervigilance from an anxious parent.* Responsibility from a caretaker who needed emotional support.* Silence from a family that did not know how to talk about emotions.* The need to control chaos that was never named or explained.We do not choose these strategies; as children, we absorb them and become fluent in them.My Own BackpackFor most of my life, I did not know I was carrying this backpack, but I knew I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I would ask myself why things were so hard for me, and I often bought into the narrative that I was the problem.In my early 30s, the weight caused a nervous breakdown. I got help, I got stabilized, and then I put the backpack right back on. I did not examine what I was carrying, and I became an incredibly high-functioning person who was dying on the inside.About ten years later, in my 40s, I had a second nervous breakdown. That time, something shifted. Instead of asking how to just get past it, I asked what I was supposed to learn and why I was carrying this weight.Taking It OffI finally took the backpack off, not to throw it away, but to investigate and get curious. I realized that some of those protective strategies were smart and wise for the time, but they just did not belong in my life anymore. Other things were simply inherited and never mine to carry to begin with.Healing is not about pushing through, moving forward, and being resilient. It is about learning how to take that backpack off and deciding with absolute self-compassion what can stay and what can finally go.If you feel like you are carrying too much, it does not mean you are broken or defective. It simply means you have not had the chance yet to take the backpack off, get curious, and look inside.Go Beyond Managing Anxiety. Heal It from Within. Introducing The Calm Code, an 8-week group coaching experience to gently untangle the roots of your anxiety, befriend your nervous system, and reclaim your inherent sense of inner safety and peace.The Calm Code runs two times per year.Next cohort begins April 22, 2026: https://flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

When a child receives an autism diagnosis, parents are often met with a wall of clinical logic and a list of things that their child supposedly cannot do. You walk out of the doctor’s office feeling like the floor just dropped out from under you, completely overwhelmed by the lack of clear, actionable guidance.But what if the mainstream narrative is missing a massive piece of the puzzle?In a recent conversation with Dr. Theresa Lyons, a scientist and mother of a non-speaking autistic daughter , we discussed a statistic that completely changes how we look at an autism diagnosis. We also explored the dark, hidden psychological trap that many special-needs parents fall into without even realizing it.Here is the truth about the 37% statistic, and why it is causing an identity crisis for parents.The Statistic That Changes EverythingThere is a long-standing belief that an autism diagnosis is a fixed, lifelong label. However, the data tells a different story.According to recent research from Boston Children’s Hospital, 37% of kids with an autism diagnosis actually lost it.This is a staggering number. It means that with the right targeted approaches, dietary changes, and therapies, many children gain massive levels of independence. Some become fully independent, and some lose their diagnosis entirely.But this incredible progress introduces a very unexpected problem for the parents.The Hidden Trauma of the “Advocate” IdentityWhen you are thrust into the world of special-needs parenting, you have to become a fierce advocate. You fight with insurance, you battle the school system for IEP accommodations, and you manage a team of doctors. You live in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.Your entire identity becomes deeply tied to being the caretaker and the protector.So, what happens when your child starts getting better and putting on their own jacket?* The Grief of Not Being Needed: Some parents actually experience grief when their child gains independence because their personal value is so deeply aligned with providing constant care.* The Comfort of Chaos: A parent’s nervous system adapts to constant stress. When the house finally calms down, that peace can actually feel completely dysregulating.* Becoming the Roadblock: If a parent cannot let go of their crisis-mode identity, they might unintentionally hold their child back because they fear not knowing who they are without the struggle.Finding Peace After the StormDr. Theresa Lyons highlighted that the ultimate goal for a parent is to put yourself out of a job. When the crisis begins to fade, parents must do the hard internal work to shift out of trauma mode.You have to ask yourself a tough question: are you addicted to the hum of the chaos?If you are accustomed to functioning in overdrive, a calm and regulated life will feel unsettling at first. Recognizing this is the first step toward letting your child thrive while finally reclaiming your own peace.Resources Mentioned in This EpisodeIf you want to explore these topics further, check out the resources discussed in the interview:* Navigating Autism: Visit Dr. Theresa Lyons’ website at https://www.navigatingautism.com to learn more about her platform and approach.* AWETISM YouTube Channel: Dr. Lyons shares extensive scientific videos and guidance on her YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@navigatingawetism* The H.U.R.R.T. Self-Assessment: Are you wondering what hidden patterns or past experiences could be holding you back? Take this free tool to gain clarity on your emotional well-being at flipyourmindset.com/HURRT.Over to you: Have you ever caught yourself struggling to let go as your child became more independent? How do you balance being a fierce advocate with maintaining your own identity outside of your kids? Let’s get real in the comments. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Welcome back to my thoughts, straight from the Flip Your Mindset podcast. Today, I really want to talk about anxiety, and I want to give you a reframe.Let me start with something that might sound a little surprising: anxiety is actually not your biggest problem. I know that might feel really hard to believe, especially if it has been running your life, stealing your sleep, and making everything feel so much harder than it needs to be.Most people experience anxiety as intrusive. It shows up uninvited, hijacks the body, and makes small things feel huge. Naturally, people want it gone, saying they just want it to stop and want their old self back. For a long time, that is exactly how I saw anxiety: as something to fight, control, and outthink. Nothing would have made me happier than to wrap it in a really heavy chain and drop it to the bottom of the ocean. But the harder I fought it, the louder it got.A New Way to Look at AnxietyHere is the reframe that changed things for me. Anxiety is not a character flaw, a weakness, or a malfunction. What I can tell you is that anxiety is actually a protective response. It is your nervous system saying it doesn’t like a familiar feeling, it doesn’t want to be caught off guard, and it is trying to keep you safe.When we feel anxiety, we experience real physiological changes. We might feel it in our stomach, our chest gets tight, our heart races, our blood pressure goes up, and our mind races. But what you are really describing is a response to something, and anxiety does not always mean there is imminent danger. Instead of a random malfunction, anxiety is a collection of brilliant, devised coping strategies your nervous system learned to keep you prepared and safe. The strategy worked when you needed it at a specific time, and then it just became chronic.Stop Fighting and Start ListeningWhen you fight anxiety, your nervous system interprets it as danger, so it doubles down. Anxiety does not respond well to force and elimination. It responds very well to understanding, listening, and safety. We feel as though the goal is to silence it, but the goal should actually be to understand what it is trying to tell you. Anxiety is a messenger. It is trying to tell you that it doesn’t feel like you are safe, even if you likely are safe right now.If your anxiety isn’t something to conquer, but rather something to listen to, you can talk to it differently. What if instead of asking how to stop this, you start asking what this is trying to tell you?. That single question can change your relationship with anxiety completely. It is not your enemy; it is your fiercest, most loyal protector that has not been updated yet to know that you are not in danger anymore.Discover Your Roots: The Free HURRT AssessmentAre you ready to explore how your past might be affecting your present? I invite you to take our free assessment, called the HURRT Assessment. HURRT stands for Healing Unresolved Roots of Trauma. It is designed to help you see how your lived experiences may have impacted you in ways you might not have fully appreciated before.Take the free assessment here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/hurrtFree Anxiety MasterclassIf you are tired of understanding your anxiety without actually feeling any relief, I want to invite you to take the next step.I am hosting a free masterclass where we will explore how to regulate your nervous system and create the safety your body needs.* Dates: March 24 and March 25* Time: 7:00 PM ET* Register here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/masterclassanxiety This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever asked yourself why you still struggle with anxiety even though you know exactly where it comes from? Many people spend years in therapy reading books and listening to podcasts. They can explain their patterns perfectly. Yet, their bodies do not cooperate, and the panic remains.If this sounds familiar, you are not broken, and you have not failed at healing.The Gap Between Knowing and HealingThis was my reality for a very long time. I started therapy at 15 years old and was in and out of it until I was 42. I had an incredible amount of insight into my past. I knew my backstory, and I had forgiven and forgotten. But during my second nervous breakdown in my early 40s, I realized something was missing. I understood the problem, but my anxiety was still completely off the charts.It is easy to assume that if you understand the root of your experiences, the relief will naturally follow. When it does not, it is incredibly discouraging. People often assume they are doing something wrong or that they are simply therapy resistant.The Real Difference Between Your Brain and Your BodyHere is the shift that changed everything for me: Insight lives in the thinking brain, but trauma lives in the nervous system.Trauma is not stored as a logical story. It is stored as a sensation, a reflex, and a physical response. Your mind and your body have one primary job, which is to keep you alive. Your nervous system is constantly scanning your environment, asking if you are safe right now.Because trauma operates as a reflex, your body can react and trigger a panic attack long before your logical mind has a chance to catch up. This is exactly why you can understand your triggers perfectly and still feel completely hijacked by them. Your body is not ignoring your logic. It is simply operating on a completely different system.Moving From Insight to True ReliefInsight is absolutely essential, but it is just the doorway rather than the final destination. Understanding helps you recognize your patterns, while regulation helps your body experience something different.Talking about our past does not always fix the problem because healing does not happen through understanding alone. It happens through real physical experience. If your nervous system does not actively experience safety, it will always operate as if it is in danger, no matter how clearly you understand your past.You simply need a new framework that teaches your nervous system how to feel safe in the present moment.Free Anxiety MasterclassIf you are tired of understanding your anxiety without actually feeling any relief, I want to invite you to take the next step.I am hosting a free masterclass where we will explore how to regulate your nervous system and create the safety your body needs.* Dates: March 24 and March 25* Time: 7:00 PM ET* Register here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/masterclassanxietyUnderstanding is just the beginning. Let us start experiencing real safety together. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

The Hidden Trauma of Transracial AdoptionWelcome back to Flip Your Mindset. Today I am sharing a deeply moving conversation with Eisner-nominated comic creator Sarah Myer. Sarah is the author and illustrator of the graphic memoir “Monstrous, a Transracial Adoption Story”. We connected after Sarah reached out to me on Instagram regarding a previous episode I recorded about adoption.I wanted to bring Sarah on the show to share the vital perspective of the adoptee. As an adoptive parent myself, I know we must be willing to sit with uncomfortable truths and listen to the lived experiences of adoptees.Growing Up Different and Adapting to TraumaSarah is a Korean adoptee who was raised in a rural, predominantly white community. In our interview, Sarah opened up about the severe bullying and racism they experienced from a young age. When you feel alienated and rejected for racial characteristics you cannot change, it leaves a lasting impact on your sense of self.We discussed how children adapt to trauma and difficult environments. For Sarah, the primary coping mechanism was rage. Sarah fought back physically when pushed to the limit by peers. Interestingly, Sarah’s sister, who is also adopted from Korea, took a completely different approach. Her sister chose to be quiet and blend in to avoid conflict and racist jabs. It is fascinating how two people in the exact same household can develop entirely different survival tactics to get through the day.The Adoption Industrial ComplexWe also explored the larger system of adoption, which is an industrial complex. Sarah brought up the recent PBS documentary “Korea’s Adoption Reckoning”. This report exposed heartbreaking truths about the Korean adoption industry:* The investigation revealed that many records were destroyed.* There is evidence that records on both the Korean and American sides were falsified.* In some tragic cases, babies were stolen or trafficked from hospitals and sold to agencies while the biological families were told the infants had died.As adoptive parents, we are often sold the narrative that adoption is simply about love. However, we must acknowledge the inherent loss and trauma that comes from a child being separated from their birth origin. It is a primal wound.The Burden of HealingOne of the most profound moments of our talk was acknowledging a difficult truth about the adoptee experience. Adoptees carry a wound they did not create, but the heavy burden falls entirely on them to heal it. This realization can feel isolating, but it can also be empowering because it means the adoptee holds the ultimate power to shape their own identity.Sarah’s incredible graphic novel beautifully illustrates this process of confronting inner demons, processing anger, and finding self-compassion.Thank you for reading and for holding space for these difficult conversations. I truly believe that we cannot heal what we do not understand. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Welcome to another solo episode of the Flip Your Mindset podcast. Before we explore today’s topic, I want to share a big goal of mine. I am putting it out to the universe to host my own radio show in 2026, hopefully on XM radio. It is a lifelong dream to talk with other experts in the trauma space about the struggles we all face.But today, we are focusing entirely on the idea of rest.The Problem with RelaxingHave you ever finally had a moment to rest, but instead of feeling relaxed, you felt on edge? You might sit down after a long day only to feel restless, unsettled, or oddly uncomfortable.If this sounds familiar, you are not alone, and you are not doing anything wrong. For many nervous systems, calm does not actually feel calming at all; it feels unfamiliar.Why Your Nervous System Rejects CalmWhen I was training as a Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) practitioner, I learned a vital rule of the mind. Our mind and body will always yield to what is familiar, even if that familiar state is not functional.If calm is not a familiar feeling, your nervous system will resist it because it feels exposing and unsafe. This is not a matter of willpower. It is entirely about how your nervous system learned to feel safe.Calm is not just the absence of stress; it is a state of safety. If you learned to feel safe through vigilance, readiness, or always being prepared, slowing down feels like letting your guard down. To a nervous system that learned to stay alert, calm feels like a threat.Signs That Calm Feels UnsafeYou might be experiencing this if you notice the following things happening in your life:* You feel uneasy when there is nothing planned.* You reach for your phone the moment things get quiet.* You feel more regulated and in control during a crisis than during your downtime.* You get restless on vacation when you finally have nothing to do.* You constantly need structure, noise, or movement to feel okay.When you force yourself to be calm before establishing a sense of safety, your nervous system interprets that push as a loss of control. It responds with more activation instead of less.Finding True RestUnderstanding that calm can feel uncomfortable before it feels peaceful is a core part of what I call The Calm Code. I am releasing a book by this name in 2026, and I also teach a live eight-week course to help nervous systems learn safety slowly. We desperately need access to better information that removes shame and explains how our bodies actually work.Take the Next StepIf you are tired of feeling restless and want to learn how to help your nervous system feel safe, I invite you to join my upcoming training.Join the Anxiety Masterclass happening Tuesday 24! Secure your spot here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/masterclassanxiety This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

You are doing all the “right” things.You go to therapy. You drink the green juice. You journal. You go on your mental health walks. On paper, your life looks stable maybe even successful.But internally? You still feel disconnected, anxious, and stuck.In this week’s episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Alyssa Booth, a licensed therapist and empowerment coach, to discuss a phenomenon she calls “Survival Mode 2.0”.This isn’t the chaotic survival mode of a crisis. This is the “over-functioning” survival mode where you carry the mental load for everyone else, say yes to everything, and look like you have it all together while completely abandoning yourself in the process.Here are the three biggest takeaways from our conversation on why “looking healed” is very different from being healed.1. The Gap Between Knowing and LivingAlyssa pointed out a massive frustration many of us feel: The gap between information and integration.We often go to therapy and gain tremendous self-awareness. We know our triggers. We know our childhood patterns. We know why we are the way we are. But then we leave the session and go back into the real world, and when a trigger hits, we still freeze.Therapy is incredible for understanding the “why,” but we often need support in the “how.” As Alyssa notes, we aren’t meant to heal in isolation. We are conditioned to handle it all alone, but true regulation often happens in community, where we can practice these new skills in real-time.2. Guilt vs. Shame (And Why It Matters)One of the most powerful moments in this episode was dissecting the difference between guilt and shame. We often use them interchangeably, but they are fundamentally different:* Guilt says: “I did something bad.” (I made a mistake, I have remorse) .* Shame says: “I am bad.” (I am wrong, I am broken) .Alyssa shared her personal story of becoming pregnant at 21 and rushing into a marriage to avoid a “broken home”. She wasn’t just dealing with the guilt of a mistake; she was drowning in the shame of feeling like she was the mistake.When we operate out of shame, we self-abandon. We try to perform “goodness” to prove we are worthy of love. We over-function to hide the parts of ourselves we think are unlovable.3. Are You “Performing” Healing?Alyssa introduced the concept of Survival Mode 2.0 a state where you are no longer in the trenches of trauma, but your nervous system hasn’t caught up to your safety yet.You might be safe now. You might be in a healthy relationship. You might be financially stable. But if your body is still reacting to old wounds, you will continue to over-work and over-give just to feel secure.We often try to “perform” healing. We want to be seen as the “good person” who is reliable for the PTO, the bake sale, and the family, because we are terrified that if we stop doing, we will stop being worthy.The Solution: IntegrationSo, how do we close the gap?Alyssa argues that we need to treat our mental health like a gym membership not just something we fix when it’s broken, but a consistent practice of community and support.We have to move from knowing we are safe to feeling safe. And that doesn’t happen by reading another self-help book. It happens by retraining the nervous system and refusing to abandon ourselves, one small decision at a time.Quotes to Remember:“Self-abandonment is the neglect to take care of your mental, emotional, and physical needs... you’re just deprioritizing yourself period, end of story.” — Alyssa Booth“Guilt is ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.’ We can’t heal what we don’t understand.” — Stacey UhrigIf this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might be “over-functioning” right now. Let’s heal together. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Why Your Body Doesn’t Believe You’re SafeHave you ever felt like you could logically list all the reasons why you should be fine, yet your body is telling a completely different story? Maybe it is a tightness in your chest, a clenched jaw, or a stomach that never quite feels settled.This disconnect between what you know and what you feel is one of the most misunderstood aspects of trauma. When I say your body doesn’t believe you’re safe, I don’t necessarily mean you feel like you are in immediate danger. Instead, it often shows up as a constant state of readiness.Readiness vs. FearFor many of us, this lack of internal safety doesn’t look like panic; it looks like being “on edge” even when things are calm. It shows up as:* Difficulty fully relaxing even when nothing is wrong.* Feeling uncomfortable the moment you sit down to rest.* Holding your breath without realizing it.* Feeling calmer during a crisis than during quiet moments.Your nervous system hasn’t learned how to stand down yet. It is scanning your history, not your current facts, to decide if you are safe. If your past taught you that safety was unpredictable, your body stays braced for protection.The Language of SafetyYou cannot simply convince your body it is safe through logic, but you can help it experience safety. Healing begins when we stop arguing with our bodies and start listening to them. We have to move past “neck up” solutions and understand how the mind and body interact through the nervous system.As we move through 2026, my goal is to bring you more of these solo episodes to share the tools and data needed to heal from the inside out. We cannot heal what we do not understand.Take ActionIf you are ready to connect the dots between your lived experience and your current sensations, I invite you to use the resources below:* Take the HURRT Survey: This “Healing Unresolved Roots of Trauma” survey is designed to help you understand how your past may be impacting you today. Click here to take the HURRT Survey.* Join the Free Live Class (Feb 10): Tomorrow, I am hosting “What Is Anxiety, Really?” to help you reframe anxiety as a protective response rather than a flaw. We have two sessions available:* Afternoon: 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM EDT* Evening: 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM EDT Register for the Masterclass HereI look forward to seeing you there and helping you find the missing link in your healing process. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever hesitated to correct someone who mispronounced your name? For today’s guest, Hui Ting Kok, allowing people to call her “Hui” instead of her full name, “Hui Ting,” was a way to avoid being seen as difficult. It was a survival strategy to ensure she wasn’t a burden.This small example speaks volumes about the internal contracts we make to feel safe, especially within immigrant families and high-pressure cultures.In this episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sit down with Hui Ting Kok, a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in helping Asian Americans and children of immigrants navigate anxiety and identity through Internal Family Systems (IFS).We discuss the complex intersection of cultural expectations, filial piety, and the heavy backpack of “invisible contracts” passed down through generations.Heirlooms vs. BurdensOne of the most powerful concepts Hui Ting introduces is the distinction between an heirloom and a burden.* The Heirloom: This is a trait you choose to carry because it serves you. For example, being hardworking because you are curious and ambitious.* The Burden: This is a trait you carry out of fear. You work hard not because you want to, but because if you don’t, you will be shamed, seen as lazy, or cast out.For many children of immigrants, boundary setting is incredibly difficult because their parents did not have the luxury of saying “no”. Previous generations operated in survival mode where rest was not an option. Today, when we try to set boundaries, it can feel like a betrayal of that sacrifice.Shame vs. GuiltWe also break down the critical difference between shame and guilt.* Guilt is feeling bad about something you did (e.g., “I feel bad I was late”).* Shame is believing you are bad because of your actions (e.g., “I am a bad person because I was late”).In many cultures, shame is used as a tool for discipline and motivation. Hui Ting explains how we can use IFS to separate our true selves from these cultural burdens, allowing us to respect our heritage without being crushed by it.About Our GuestHui Ting Kok, LMHC, CASAC Hui Ting is the founder of Helix Mental Health Counseling. She is a bilingual counselor (Mandarin and Cantonese) based in Brooklyn who works virtually with clients in New York and Florida. She is currently planning an IFS healing circle for 2026.* Website: helixmhc.comFree Live Workshop: What Is Anxiety, Really?If this episode resonated with you, and you are ready to understand the “why” behind your stress, I invite you to join my upcoming free live class.Date: February 10th Sessions: 12:00 PM EDT or 7:00 PM EDTIf you have tried therapy, tools, or medications and still feel stuck, it is not because you are failing. It is because anxiety is often misunderstood. In this 60-minute live webinar (30 minutes of teaching + 30 minutes Q&A), we will reframe anxiety so you can finally understand what your system is trying to tell you.We will cover:* Why anxiety is not a personal flaw or weakness.* The difference between mental illness and mental injury.* How anxiety forms as a protective response to emotional wounds.* Why logic alone doesn’t resolve it.This is not about “managing” symptoms; it is about understanding the root.Secure Your Free Spot Here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/masterclassanxietyRemember, we cannot heal what we do not understand. I hope to see you there. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

If someone looked at your life from the outside, what would they see?For many of us, they would see success. They would see someone who is capable, self-sufficient, and “getting a lot of s**t done”. They might see a successful career, a comfortable home, and a strong network of friends.But if they could look inside, the picture might be radically different.In the first solo episode of 2026, I wanted to address a specific, confusing, and often isolating experience: being high-functioning but deeply dysregulated.The Disconnect Between “On Paper” and “In Body”In my early 30s, I checked every box of success. I had a new marriage, a new home, and a company I owned that helped create jobs. Yet, inside my body, there was no calm.I lived with a constant tightness in my throat and chest, a “buzzing under the surface like... a slow train,” and a sense of being “on” even when absolutely nothing was wrong. I remember sitting on my couch, completely safe, watching a simple commercial for a job board, and spiraling into a panic attack.It was deeply confusing because the data didn’t line up. I knew logically I was safe, but my body was on fire.If this resonates with you, you likely know the frustration of trying to “think” your way out of it. You might tell yourself you should be fine. You might feel defective or broken because you can’t just “get over it”.It’s Not a Contradiction, It’s an AdaptationHere is the reframe that changed everything for me: High-functioning dysregulation is not a flaw; it is a survival adaptation.For many of us, our nervous systems learned early on that staying alert was safer than slowing down. We learned that safety came through vigilance, responsibility, and being in control.From the outside, this adaptation looks like strength. It looks like having your life together. But internally, your nervous system never received the message that it was allowed to rest. It is doing exactly what it was designed to do: survive environments that felt inconsistent or unpredictable.The “Burnout” TrapWhen we don’t have language for this, we often mislabel it. We call it stress, anxiety, or being “high strung”. Eventually, we hit a wall.We love to call this wall “burnout,” but I view it differently. I believe burnout is often just a polite term for a nervous breakdown. It is your body saying, “I don’t have the capacity for life right now” because it is physiologically stuck in overdrive or underdrive.When we try to push through this exhaustion with willpower—trying to force a “growth mindset” on a physiological problem—we often end up more exhausted and confused. You cannot simply think your way out of a pattern that started as a felt experience in the body.A New QuestionIf you recognize yourself in this description, I want you to stop asking, “What is wrong with me?”Instead, start asking: “What happened to me, and what did my body learn to do to keep me safe?”.We cannot heal what we don’t understand. Recognizing that your high-functioning nature and your internal dysregulation are connected is the first step toward relief.Want to go deeper?If you are ready to stop overriding your body and start understanding your nervous system, I have a new tool to help. I’ve developed the HURRT Assessment (Healing Unresolved Roots of Trauma).It is designed to give you insight into how your lived experiences may have impacted you in ways you haven’t yet realized. You can find it right on the homepage at FlipYourMindset.com. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

In the latest episode of Flip Your Mindset, we sat down with author Ted Neal to discuss his two powerful memoirs, Two Years of Wonder and 20 Years of Unraveling. While his first book touches on the soulful yet challenging experience of working in a Kenyan orphanage in the early 2000s, his second book exposes a much darker reality: the systemic abuse that occurred there and the fight to bring it to light.This conversation explores the complexities of humanitarian work, the resilience required to be a whistleblower, and how we can hold space for both tragedy and hope.A Return to “Rainbow”Ted Neal originally lived at the orphanage (referred to as “Rainbow” in his books) from 2002 to 2004. Years later, in 2019, the organization asked him to join their board of directors. He was the only board member with significant field experience and personal relationships with the children who had grown into young adults.Ted joined with a professional goal: to professionalize the organization and eventually sunset the institutional orphanage model in favor of community-based care. To do this effectively, he began conducting in-depth interviews with the alumni to document their outcomes.The UnravelingWhat Ted uncovered during these interviews was not a success story. Instead, he found that the children had endured nearly 20 years of sexual abuse from various predators. The number of victims was in the dozens.When Ted brought these findings to the board of directors, people he assumed would want to protect the children, he was met with denial and hostility. The organization had been founded by a Jesuit priest and later run by an Irish nun who was viewed as a “living saint,” honored by the White House and treated like a rock star at the UN. By questioning her, Ted was challenging their hero and their identity.The board turned on him and the survivors, issuing cease and desist letters and threatening legal action.The Fight for JusticeDespite the threats and the immense stress, Ted refused to back down. He utilized a specific strategy: limiting the board’s choices until they had no option but to do the right thing.* Federal Intervention: Ted contacted the Office of Inspector General at USAID. Because the orphanage received U.S. taxpayer funding, federal agents had jurisdiction and quickly flew to Nairobi to investigate.* Media Pressure: He collaborated with The Washington Post to expose the story, working with journalist Rael Ombuor. Once the official investigation created a paper trail, the story could be published safely.* The Result: After years of pressure, the US board finally cut ties with the orphanage management and the nun. They redirected their $3 million reserve fund directly to the survivors and alumni. The nun was ordered to leave Kenya and is now under investigation by the Vatican.Finding Purpose in DualityThroughout this ordeal, Ted relied on the tools he learned during his previous recovery from severe depression. He emphasizes that mental health recovery involves accepting “life on life’s terms.”This acceptance requires embracing duality: the ability to acknowledge horror without losing sight of innocence. Ted notes that even in the midst of tragedy, children still laugh and play, and preserving that sense of wonder is vital.“The mental illness came when I would try to resist the duality... And health was learning to accept life on life’s terms. It’s already to accept... that tragedy exists alongside the beauty and the wonder.” — Ted NealThe Takeaway: Life does not owe us happiness; it owes us purpose. For Ted, that purpose was serving others, even when it came at a great personal cost. By surrendering to the reality of the situation rather than resisting it, we can find the resilience to navigate even the most difficult storms.Resources & Links* Follow Ted on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/therealauthortedneill* Get the Books:* Two Years of Wonder* 20 Years of Unraveling This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever felt like your body was fighting against you? Maybe it is a rash that won’t go away, chronic fatigue that sleep cannot fix, or joint pain that doctors cannot fully explain. We are often taught to manage these symptoms with medication and move on. But what if those physical symptoms are not the enemy? What if they are actually a message?In a recent conversation, we explored the profound connection between unprocessed emotional wounds and physical illness with Cindy Costley. Her experience challenges the way we look at chronic conditions and invites us to ask a difficult but necessary question: Is my body keeping the score of a past I have tried to forget?The Girl Allergic to the WorldCindy’s story is extreme, yet it highlights a pattern many might recognize on a smaller scale. For the first few years of her life, she had mild allergies. Then, at age 15, she woke up one day and everything had changed.She was suddenly covered in rashes from head to toe. After extensive testing, doctors discovered she was allergic to almost everything. At that time, she could only eat four foods. For the next 34 years, Cindy lived in a state of constant reaction. She normalized the suffering, telling herself she just had to work around it. She even joked that she had won the “allergy lottery”.It was not until her late 40s, when her liver and kidneys began to shut down, that she realized she could no longer ignore what was happening. She had been diagnosed with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, a condition where the body is in a constant state of allergic response. But the diagnosis was only part of the puzzle.The Body Keeps the ScoreTrauma is often defined as an unhealed wound. When we experience something painful that we cannot process—either because we are too young or because we lack the support to speak about it—the emotion has to go somewhere.For Cindy, her body decided early on to process her emotions somatically. Instead of feeling depression or anxiety, her body created physical reactions.Through a process of deep healing and investigation, Cindy identified two major traumatic events she had suppressed:* Age 6: She was molested by a neighbor.* Age 14: She was group raped and left in a forest.The severe allergic reactions she developed at age 15 were not random. Her body was reacting to the trauma she had endured just a year prior. As one healer told her, “Your body has been screaming at you all these years because you’re not addressing this issue”.This phenomenon is supported by research, including the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study. This study showed a deep correlation between childhood trauma and adult health issues like asthma, autoimmune disorders, and coronary disease.Healing at the Cellular LevelCindy’s path to recovery required her to stop treating the symptoms and start treating the cause. She realized that her symptoms were not her body working against her; they were her body working for her, trying to get her attention.She utilized a method called desensitization. This process involves:* Releasing Trapped Emotions: Acknowledging the specific trauma associated with the physical reaction.* Reprogramming the Brain: Teaching the brain that it is now safe so it stops sending danger signals to the cells.* Cellular Clearance: Addressing the “cellular imprint” that trauma leaves behind, which can alter things like inflammation pathways and hormone regulation.Cindy eventually developed her own modality called Electromagnetic Body Desensitization Technique (EBDT). This technique scans a person’s timeline—starting from the womb—to clear these cellular stamps.The Result: FreedomThe results of this work were life-altering. After decades of anaphylactic reactions to dairy, Cindy can now eat cheese without issue. She is no longer “the girl allergic to the world”. She is completely non-reactive to the things that used to hospitalize her.This transformation mirrors my own experience. Diagnosed with seronegative rheumatoid arthritis at 48, I found that my joint pain was inextricably linked to emotional stress. When I began to listen to my body and address the underlying emotional roots, my blood work normalized over the course of a year.Start Your Own InquiryIf you are suffering from chronic conditions that do not seem to respond to traditional treatment, I invite you to get curious. This does not mean you must blame yourself or feel overwhelmed by the past. It simply means asking: Is there a part of me that is still hurting?As Cindy reminds us, we cannot heal what we do not understand. Six or eight years are going to pass whether you address your trauma or not. You can spend those years managing symptoms, or you can spend them healing the root cause so the rest of your life is full of ease and peace.The body is brilliant. It knows what we need. We just have to learn how to listen.Connect with Cindy CostleyIf you are ready to explore the underlying causes of your physical symptoms, you can reach out to Cindy directly. She is currently offering listeners free access to her Healing Impact Audit (for healers/coaches) and a Body Awareness Audit (for individuals).* Website: https://theunderlyinganswers.com/* Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theunderlyinganswers/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

True story:My guest this week was sitting in a high-level corporate meeting.She was brilliant.She was capable.She had the MBA and the expertise.But she was terrified to speak up.Then a senior leader looked her dead in the eye and asked a question that changed everything.“Why are you hiding in plain sight?”That woman is Dorlee Michaeli.Today she is a trauma-informed psychotherapist and EMDR clinician. But back then? She was just trying to survive.She realized she was dimming her own light on purpose.Not because she wasn’t smart.But because somewhere along the way she learned that being “too visible” wasn’t safe.Here is the takeaway:We don’t just wake up one day with Imposter Syndrome.Nobody decides to be anxious or to play small.These are survival strategies.Dorlee shared a powerful realization with me. Growing up, her role was to be the supporting actor so her mother could be the star.If she shined too bright, it felt dangerous.So she adapted.She assessed her environment. She addressed it the best way she knew how. And she adapted by hiding.That is not a defect. That is a brilliant adaptation by a young nervous system trying to stay safe.Now, how does this apply to you?If you feel like a fraud at work...Or if you freeze up when it’s time to present...It’s probably not a confidence issue. It’s a safety issue.Your body is remembering an old rule: Stay small to stay safe.This is why I love EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).It helps us go back to those old emotional imprints. The ones that tell us we aren’t enough or that we need to hide.It helps us process them so they stop running the show from the background.Dorlee and I dug deep into this.We talked about how “benign” neglect—like a parent who is physically there but emotionally checked out—can leave massive scars.In fact, when people take my HURRT Assessment, the Emotional Neglect scores are almost always higher than the classic trauma scores.We cannot heal what we don’t understand.So if you are tired of the “Itty Bitty Shitty Committee” telling you to hide...Then you need to listen to this episode.We talk about:* How to spot High-Functioning Anxiety before it leads to burnout.* Why “benign” childhood experiences might be keeping you stuck.* What EMDR actually is (and why it works).* How to step out of self-doubt and into leadership.Listen to the full conversation with Dorlee Michaeli here.And if you are wondering what hidden patterns might be holding you back...My free tool is designed to help you gain clarity on your emotional wellbeing.Take the HURRT Assessment hereYou aren’t broken. You’re just adapting.Let’s flip that mindset.P.S. You can connect with Dorlee and learn more about her work with EMDR here:* Website: DorleeMichaeli.com* Offer: She is offering 3 “Curiosity Calls” for listeners who want to see if EMDR is a good fit. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We love the “easy” kid.You know the one. The child who sits quietly while the adults talk. The one who comes home from school, goes straight to their room, and never causes a scene.We praise them. We say, “They are such an old soul,” or “They are so well-behaved.”But I have a question for you: Is that behavior? Or is it a coping strategy?I recently sat down with Lisa Ramos, a trauma-informed specialist and mother of eight, on the Flip Your Mindset podcast. We stripped away the surface-level labels we put on kids (and ourselves) to look at the biology underneath.And Lisa dropped a truth bomb that stopped me in my tracks:“A good child isn’t a regulated child.”The “Fawn” Response in ActionWe tend to think of dysregulation as the loud stuff, the tantrums, the screaming, the “fight or flight” chaos.But Lisa explained that there is a flip side. Sometimes, when a child feels unsafe or overwhelmed, they don’t explode. They implode. They go into a “hypo” state where they disconnect and hide.They become the “fixer.” They become the “peacekeeper.” They realize that if they make themselves small and quiet, they won’t add to the stress in the house.They aren’t calm. They are in survival mode.We Parent Through Our Own WoundsThis hits hard because many of us were that child.We learned that to get love (or to avoid conflict), we had to perform. We had to be the “good girl” or the “strong boy.”Lisa and I talked about how, as parents, we often parent through these unhealed wounds. If you felt unheard as a kid, a quiet child might feel like a relief to you. But if we aren’t careful, we miss the fact that their nervous system is screaming for connection.The Fix: Co-Regulation (Not Correction)So, what do we do? We stop looking at behavior and start looking at the nervous system.Kids cannot regulate themselves. They are biologically incapable of it. They need us to “co-regulate” with them.This means lending them our calm. It means sitting with them not to fix the behavior or shame the silence but to let our regulated nervous system bring theirs back into balance.It’s about showing up and saying, “I see you. You don’t have to perform for me. You just have to be.”A Next Step for YouIf you are realizing that you might be raising a “good child” who is actually just a dysregulated one or if you are still that child living in an adult’s body—it is time to look at the hidden load you are carrying.Here are three ways to move forward today:* Watch the full episode: We dive deep into “rupture and repair” and how to heal these patterns. * Check your Hidden Stress Load: Take my free HURRT Assessment (Healing UnResolved Roots of Trauma). It helps identify the invisible backpacks you (and your kids) might be carrying. Take the Assessment Here* Get the Parenting Tool: Lisa shared a specific resource for parents looking to implement these strategies. You can access it here: Trauma-Informed Parenting Resource This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We have all heard the line before during an interview or an all-hands meeting: “We are a family here.” It sounds comforting. It suggests safety, loyalty, and belonging. But as my recent guest Katie Jean explains, this sentiment is often a trap that blurs professional boundaries and keeps us in toxic environments longer than we should stay.In this episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Katie, a somatic trauma-informed coach and the founder of Work Is Not Family. We discussed the physical cost of toxic workplaces, why we ignore our body’s warning signals, and how to reclaim your agency.The “Family” MythThe concept of work as family might have roots in agrarian history where families actually worked together. However, in the modern corporate world, employers use this language to extract loyalty. They want you to feel personally invested so that you give more of yourself than the contract requires.Katie puts it simply: Work is an agreement. You agree to perform a series of tasks, and your employer agrees to pay you money for those tasks. When we confuse this transaction with the unconditional bonds of family, we leave ourselves open to manipulation.When the Body Keeps the ScoreKatie shared her own harrowing experience of leaving a 15-year corporate career for what she thought was a dream job in recruiting. For the first four months, it was perfect. Then, the mask slipped. She dealt with an emotionally abusive boss who engaged in coercive control, including harassment during work trips and late-night texts.Despite the abuse, Katie tried to rationalize it. She told herself she could handle it and that she didn’t want to lose her new income or status. But while her mind tried to push through, her body began to scream. She experienced insomnia, daily crying spells, stomach issues, and an exaggerated startle response.She didn’t know it at the time, but these were signs that her nervous system was picking up on threats. The situation eventually came to a head in a conference room meeting that re-triggered a past trauma, leaving her physically shaking and unable to function.Trauma is the AftermathA key takeaway from our conversation is that trauma is not just the event itself; it is the aftermath. It is the fact that you continue to feel unsafe long after the event has passed.When Katie eventually moved to a healthy workplace, she found herself reacting to standard feedback with intense internal dysregulation. Her body was still protecting her from the previous danger. This is why we cannot simply “move on” without doing the healing work. We have to learn to listen to the sensations in our bodies rather than ignoring them or labeling them immediately as clinical anxiety.Practical Advice for the WorkplaceIf you feel dysregulated at work, Katie offers a few powerful pieces of advice:* Don’t use clinical labels with your boss: If you tell a manager you are having a “panic attack,” it triggers legal and HR protocols regarding accommodations. Instead, describe the sensation and the immediate need. Say something like, “I have a fluttering in my chest. I need to take a walk and get some water”.* The “Fake Cough” Technique: If you are on a Zoom call and feel emotionally activated, put yourself on mute and pretend to cough. Use that moment to take deep, regulating breaths or release energy without drawing attention to your emotional state.* Redefine Success: Start viewing your job as a contract rather than a source of emotional fulfillment or family connection.Healing is PossibleYou are not broken if you are struggling with this. As Katie says, “It is possible to heal, and you are not alone”. Whether that means leaving a toxic job or learning to regulate your nervous system while you stay, the first step is understanding that work is not family. It is just work.Connect with Katie Jean:* Website: workisnotfamily.com* TikTok: @katie.jean.traumaResources from Stacey:* Join the Masterclass: Ready to shift your perspective? Join my Masterclass here.* Take the HURRT Survey: If you are looking to understand your own healing process better, please take the HURRT survey. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

True story:My guest today, Tosca DiMatteo, was born with a cleft lip and palate.As a kid, she dealt with painful surgeries and years of speech therapy.But the hardest part wasn’t the physical pain...It was the emotional sting of watching other kids walk away from her once they saw her face.She felt different.She felt “less than”.So she made a subconscious decision...If she couldn’t be the “pretty” one, she was going to be the “smart” one.She spent years over-giving, over-performing, and accepting breadcrumbs in relationships just to prove her worth.Moral of the story is:You don’t need a physical scar to feel this way.Most of us have what I call an “Itty Bitty Shitty Committee” living in our heads.It’s a drill sergeant constantly telling us we aren’t enough... and that we have to hustle just to be accepted.That’s why I’m so excited about this week’s episode.On the latest episode of Flip Your Mindset, Tosca and I go deep on how to finally transform your relationship with that inner critic.We break down the “three trip wires” that hook people up:* Not feeling enough* Believing being different is bad* And believing success isn’t available to youPlus, we talk about how to stop abandoning yourself to please others...And how to retrain your brain to feel safe being your authentic self.If you’re ready to kick that committee out of your head and reclaim your confidence...Then tap the link below to listen to the full conversation now:See you there,Stacey Urig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We often wear our exhaustion like a badge of honor. In a culture that glorifies the “grind,” admitting you are tired can feel like a weakness. But what happens when that tiredness goes beyond needing a nap and becomes a complete systemic shutdown?In this episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Deidre Gestrin, a licensed mental health professional and founder of Abundant Wellness Essentials. Deidre isn’t just an expert on paper; she has navigated three severe episodes of burnout herself. Her experience led her to a crucial realization: to truly heal, you must treat the mind and body as one.If you have ever felt like your capacity to handle life has suddenly vanished, or if you are a high achiever running on fumes, this conversation is for you.Recommended Resource: If you are tired of coping strategies that don’t last, check out this free 15-minute masterclass. It breaks down the biology of anxiety and teaches you a somatic tool to reset your nervous system immediately.Redefining the Crash: Burnout vs. BreakdownWe tend to think of burnout as simply needing a vacation. However, Deidre defines it as functioning in a state of chronic stress for so long that you begin to question what you are doing and feel a sense of detachment or depersonalization.I often refer to my own experiences with burnout as “nervous breakdowns”. While that term might sound intense, it is accurate from a nervous system perspective. When we stay in a hyper-vigilant, “fight or flight” state for too long, our system eventually decides it can no longer outrun the threat. It shuts down. This is often why, during extreme burnout, you might not feel sad, you might just feel nothing at all, a state known as dorsal vagal shutdown.Deidre agrees that these experiences exist on a continuum. When chronic stress keeps your nervous system activated without relief, your body eventually stops functioning correctly.The Physical Cost of Ignoring the SignsOne of the most powerful takeaways from this episode is that burnout is never just “in your head.” It manifests physically.* Deidre’s Experience: Before her crash, she developed arthritis in her mid-30s. By the end, she physically hit a wall where she couldn’t walk 100 feet or stand for more than a few minutes without pain.* My Experience: Similarly, I was diagnosed with seronegative rheumatoid arthritis in my 40s.We both realized that these physical ailments were manifestations of deep inflammation caused by unprocessed emotions and chronic stress. As Deidre points out, you cannot separate the mind from the body. If you are ignoring your emotional health, your physical health will eventually force you to pay attention.Why Do We Do This to Ourselves?If burnout is so painful, why do we drive ourselves toward it? We discussed the “engine” beneath the hustle. Often, high achievers are driven by core beliefs formed in childhood, such as:* “I have to say yes to feel valued.”* “If I set boundaries, people will leave me.”* “I am responsible for everyone else’s happiness.”For many of us, high achievement is actually a pursuit of safety or validation. We might dissociate or “freeze” to cope with stress, effectively disconnecting from our own bodies. This makes it easy to ignore the warning signs until it is too late.How to Start Healing (Keep It Simple)If you feel like you are on the edge of a cliff, the solution isn’t a complicated, elaborate plan. In fact, Deidre emphasizes that your nervous system needs simple and doable strategies.Here are three steps to start preventing or recovering from burnout:* Reconnect with Your Body: You cannot heal what you cannot feel. Start paying attention to subtle changes in your body and listen to them. If you are anxious, where do you feel it?* Protect Your Sleep: This is a non-negotiable. Sleep is often the first thing we sacrifice, but it is essential for recovery.* Set Boundaries: You have to decide what is most important. Prioritize your tasks and recognize that you cannot do it all.A Special Offer for ListenersHealing requires us to look at the root causes of our stress, not just the symptoms. If you are ready to find a path forward, Deidre is offering a free 30-minute consultation for our listeners to help you identify where to start.You can book your consultation at https://abundantwellnessessentials.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Do you ever feel behind?There is a pervasive, silent pressure many of us feel—the idea that we are supposed to be at a certain career level by 30, married by another age, and owning a home soon after. If we miss these invisible deadlines, we feel like we are failing.In this week’s episode, my guest calls this pressure the “social clock.” It is the belief that “I’m supposed to be here at this age... and if I’m not, I’m a failure”.We build our lives around this scaffolding to guide us toward “success,” but we rarely stop to ask if the scaffolding itself is structurally sound or just an arbitrary, man-made concept.My guest on this episode, Ted Neill, knows firsthand what happens when that scaffolding collapses.At 34 years old, Ted seemed to have an enviable setup. After a career setback, he had secured a rare full-ride scholarship for an MBA program and was working at the university. Yet, despite these achievements, he was internalizing deep feelings of failure. He had been laid off and was wrestling with societal concepts of masculinity and what it means to be a “provider”.“It’s amazing the way depression messes with your head,” he tells me in the episode. “There are so many things that I had going for me... But all I could see was that as a failure”.This disconnect between his external reality and his internal state led to a harrowing mental health crisis. In this incredibly vulnerable conversation, Ted shares the timeline of a year-long spiral into suicidal ideation, which began in 2011 and intensified until the impulse to end his life was a constant presence in his mind.We also explore the deep roots of this pain, touching on the profound trauma he experienced years prior while working in an orphanage. Witnessing the death of innocent children from preventable diseases “broke” the religious framework he had inherited and left him with lasting survivor’s guilt—a feeling that he had abandoned children he couldn’t save.This episode is a difficult but necessary listen. It challenges us to examine how much we rely on external rewards and validation to feel a sense of “enoughness”.If you have ever felt crushed by the weight of expectation or felt like you are falling behind a schedule you never agreed to, this conversation is for you. It’s time to smash the social clock.About the GuestTed NeillTed Neill is a mental health advocate, writer, and speaker who openly shares his journey of healing and recovery. A former hospice nurse’s aide and international aid worker, Ted’s experiences in Kenya and other regions informed his master’s in public health and his subsequent career with organizations like Care, Save the Children, and UNICEF. After a personal crisis led to a hospitalization for depression and suicidal ideation, Ted began the work of processing his past trauma. He is the author of the memoir Two Years of Wonder, which chronicles his time working in an orphanage, and 20 Years of Unraveling, which details his experience as a whistleblower and his healing journey.* Website: tedneillauthor.com* Books: Two Years of Wonder and 20 Years of UnravelingIf you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, help is available. Dial 988 in the US and Canada, or dial 111 in the UK. These services are free, confidential, and available 24/7. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

In 1989, Stacy Schaffer was 11 years old. She was an A-student, a perfectionist, and on the surface, she looked “fine.”But at home, she was hiding in a closet. She was surviving the silence of sexual abuse she had tried to report but wasn’t believed. Her mother, battling her own demons and illness, didn’t know how to handle a child who was internally collapsing.So, she paid four men $100 to come into Stacy’s room in the middle of the night, pull her out of bed, and take her away to a wilderness facility.It was what was known in the industry as a “Goon Grab.”Stacy wasn’t “healed” by this. She was trafficked into a system that stripped her of her voice. And yet, decades later, Stacy is now a renowned children’s therapist helping a new generation of kids who feel unseen, unheard, and unsafe.In this week’s episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Stacy to talk about the “anxiety epidemic,” but we ended up talking about something much deeper: The cost of silence.Here are the three hardest truths we uncovered in our conversation.1. The “Resilience” LieWe love to say, “Kids are resilient.” It makes us feel better as adults. It absolves us of the guilt that our chaos, or the world’s chaos, is hurting them.Stacy stopped me dead in my tracks with this:“We say kids are resilient... but the kids aren’t fine. What choice do they have? They have to survive. But they aren’t fine.”We are raising a generation whose nervous systems are constantly hijacked. Stacy works in the school district of Evergreen High (site of a recent shooting threat). She told me heartbreaking stories of students who won’t use the bathroom at school because they are terrified a lockdown will start while they are in the stall, leaving them trapped in the hallway.They aren’t just “worried.” They are living in a biological state of threat. When we tell them “It’s going to be okay,” we are gaslighting their reality.2. You Cannot Parent a Modern Child with 1990s LogicA common refrain parents use is, “I was a kid once, too. I get it.”Stacy’s advice? Stop saying that.You were a kid in a world without social media algorithms, active shooter drills, and Life360 tracking your every move. When you tell a child “I understand,” they shut down because they know you don’t.The gap between your childhood and theirs is a canyon. If you try to bridge it with your own nostalgia, you will miss the person standing right in front of you.3. Stop Silencing Your Inner ChildThis was the “lightbulb moment” of the episode. Stacy admitted that for years, she “shushed” the little girl inside her—the one who was hurt at 3, the one who was kidnapped at 11—so she could be the “shiny, professional” therapist.But you cannot help a child regulate their emotions if you are suppressing your own.If you find yourself having a level 10 reaction to a level 2 problem (screaming at your kid for spilled milk, raging at a disrespectful tone), that is not “adult you” reacting. That is your inner child, screaming to be heard because they weren’t heard 20 years ago.The One Question That Changes EverythingIf you feel like you are losing connection with your child (or even a partner), Stacy offered a script that is more powerful than any advice I’ve heard in years.Instead of trying to fix it, or saying “I know how you feel,” ask this:“Help me understand what it’s like to be you.”And then? Listen. Don’t correct them. Don’t offer a silver lining. Just let them be seen.Because as Stacy’s story proves, the most traumatic thing isn’t always the event itself—it’s having to go through it alone, unseen, and unheard.📖 Read Stacy’s Book: With Love from a Children’s Therapist is available now. It is part memoir, part guide, and fully heartbreaking and healing. Get it here.Take the Assessment: Are you wondering what hidden patterns are holding you back? Take the free HURT assessment at flipyourmindset.com/hurt.— Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

My guest on the Flip Your Mindset podcast this week, Angie Hawkins, has done things most of us only see in movies. She’s jumped out of helicopters Navy Seal style. She’s bungee jumped off cliffs.And yet, as she told me, she was still terrified of being truly seen.How can both of these things be true? How can someone be so physically brave yet so internally frightened?The answer, as we explored in this raw and vulnerable episode, often lies in an invisible, insidious wound. It’s a concept I talk about often: “Silence over Violence.”It’s the idea that trauma doesn’t always come from overt, “big T” events of abuse or aggression. Sometimes, the deepest wounds come from the silence—from emotional neglect. It’s the pain of not being seen, heard, or valued by the people who were supposed to be our world.For Angie, this “silence” was the emotionally unavailable home she grew up in. It created a single, devastating core belief that dictated her entire life: “I don’t deserve to be loved.”This is the exact kind of hidden pattern that can go undetected for decades. You tell yourself, “My childhood was fine,” or “Other people had it so much worse,” and you gaslight yourself into believing you don’t have a reason to feel so stuck.This is why this episode is sponsored by the H.U.R.R.T. self-assessment.If you’ve ever felt that disconnect—that “on paper” your life is fine, but you’re still struggling—this tool is for you. It’s a free assessment I designed to help you gain clarity on your emotional well-being and discover hidden patterns from past experiences that might be holding you back.It’s not about blame; it’s about understanding. You cannot heal what you don’t understand.Discover your results for free at: flipyourmindset.com/hurtFor Angie, that one core belief (”I’m not lovable”) became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It turned her into a high-achieving people-pleaser, desperately searching for the external validation she never got as a child.She built a life that looked impressive from the outside, but inside, her light was dimming.She moved to Hawaii for a fresh start, only to find you can’t outrun yourself. A series of back-to-back-to-back stressors, a potential job loss, a condo flood, a breakup during COVID, piled up until her “Window of Tolerance” completely snapped shut.We talk a lot about this “window” in the episode. When we’re regulated, our window is wide, and we can handle life’s ups and downs. But Angie, like so many of us, was living in a state of constant, low-grade threat.* She was hypervigilant (chronic anxiety, “I must and I have to”).* Then she’d crash into hypovigilance (depression, “I just can’t anymore”).It was in that “I just can’t anymore” state, feeling completely hopeless, that Angie intentionally overdosed on her anxiety medication.That, she says, is what finally “cracked open everything.”Waking up in the hospital, she called a friend and said, “I can’t believe I didn’t die.” Her friend’s response changed her life: “It’s not your time.”That was the hook. The realization that she had a purpose. It was the start of her “healing journey in earnest.”She finally found a coach who did what talk therapy hadn’t: he gave her actionable, behavior-based homework. He taught her how to set boundaries, how to show up confidently. Through doing, her beliefs began to change.Now, Angie is an “Inner Glow Coach” herself, and she shared her GLOW Method with us. It’s a beautiful, simple framework for coming back home to yourself:* Go back to your childhood (to find the root).* Light yourself up (rekindling joy and what you love).* Overcome external validation (the big one).* Welcome yourself back home (it’s not about fixing you, it’s about finding you).This conversation is a powerful reminder that our rock-bottom moments, while terrifying, can also be the catalyst for the most beautiful transformations. Angie’s story is a testament to the fact that you are worthy of a happy and fulfilling life, even if you don’t believe it right now.You can listen to our full conversation here: [Link to Podcast Episode]And Angie is generously offering listeners a free 60-minute “Find Your Glow” Session. You can book your call and find her memoir, Running in Slippers, at runninginslippers.com.A Question for You...I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.What was an “invisible rule” from your childhood that you only recently realized was holding you back?Thank you for being here. Remember, you cannot heal what you don’t understand.— Stacey This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s episode of Flip Your Mindset is one of those conversations that sits with you, one that changes the way you see the systems we trust.My guest is Lisa Ramos, a doctoral candidate and the founder of the Trauma-Informed Care Institute. Her story begins with a parent’s absolute worst nightmare: watching her child fight for her life in the ICU.In 2015, her 15-month-old daughter was exposed to MRSA. It spiraled into a catastrophic medical crisis. She was diagnosed with spinal meningitis, RSV, and MRSA all at the same time. After a medication mistake put her in a coma, Lisa knew something was wrong. But as she and her husband tried to advocate, they were dismissed. As Lisa said, “they didn’t listen to us because we weren’t medical professionals”.Her daughter’s MRSA abscess burst, and she was given “no chance of survival”.Miraculously, after 23 agonizing days, her daughter survived.But this is where the real story begins.The crisis was over, but Lisa was “broken mentally”. She came home consumed by survivor’s guilt. Why was she struggling when her daughter had survived?Her body was shutting down. She couldn’t get out of bed. She was in constant physical pain , suffering from heart palpitations, digestive issues, and reproductive problems. She was eventually diagnosed with PTSD.What I found so powerful in our conversation was Lisa’s realization that her trauma wasn’t just about the fear of losing her child. It was about the “loss of, of autonomy, that loss of just the ability to do anything”. The medical professionals had given them “no autonomy, no choice” , which triggered her own childhood wounds of not having her voice heard.Her nervous system was stuck.This is something I think so many of us can relate to on different levels. We have these patterns, these physical responses, and we can’t figure out why. We feel broken.This is why this episode is so fittingly sponsored by the H.E.R.T. self-assessment. It’s a free tool I want you all to check out. It’s designed to help you gain clarity on your own emotional well-being and discover those hidden patterns from past experiences that might be holding you back.You can discover your results at flipyourmindset.com/hurt. That’s H-U-R-R-T.When Lisa tried to get help, the system failed her again. She was told she couldn’t see the same therapist consistently.So, she did the most incredible thing. She decided, “I have to regain my own power”. In her 30s, with a house full of children, she went back to college to get a psychology degree so she could figure out how to heal herself.That journey led her to create the Trauma-Informed Care Institute, and her mission is one I am 100% behind. She’s teaching medical professionals, teachers, and parents that being “trauma-informed” isn’t just about setting up a room so the yoga mats face the door.It’s about the professional understanding their own triggers, their own coping mechanisms, and their own compassion fatigue. It’s about giving the patient a “sense of agency” and a choice to restore their power.This hit home for me. I shared my own story of being diagnosed with three different autoimmune conditions, all rooted in extreme inflammation. I know that inflammation was my body’s response to my own childhood—it was my nervous system trying to protect me.The link between our unresolved emotional experiences and our physical health is real.I want to leave you with the single most important thing Lisa said, which is a core truth of this podcast:“Every behavior, every action, every reaction has a purpose... That is not a broken piece of you. That is your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do.”This is an episode every single person needs to hear. Please listen, and then share it.We cannot heal what we don’t understand.All my best, StaceyEpisode Links* Guest: Lisa Ramos, founder of the Trauma-Informed Care Institute.* Learn More from Lisa: traumainformedcareinstitute.comThis episode is sponsored by the H.U.R.R.T. self-assessment.It’s a free tool designed to help you gain clarity on your emotional well-being and discover hidden patterns from past experiences that might be holding you back.You can discover your results at: flipyourmindset.com/hurt. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever found yourself nodding along in therapy, intellectually understanding every single word, analyzing your past, identifying your patterns... yet still feeling utterly stuck? Still battling that familiar anxiety? Still catching yourself people-pleasing or abandoning your own needs?If so, you are not alone. And you are not failing at therapy. The truth, as I discovered in my latest conversation, is that therapy might be failing you.In this week’s deeply resonant episode of the Flip Your Mindset podcast, I sat down with Trine Schmidt, a dual-licensed psychotherapist and empowerment coach. Trine isn’t just an expert; she’s walked this path herself, having moved from a decade-long dysfunctional marriage marked by self-abandonment to reclaiming her authentic self and developing a powerful “soul-plus-science” approach to healing.And what she shared with me completely shifted my perspective, echoing struggles I’ve felt for years.The “Missing Piece” Nobody Talks AboutOne of the most profound takeaways for me (and something I know will hit home for many of you) was this realization:“I intellectually get it up here. But my body’s not... catching up.”This is the core of the “missing piece” Trine and I unpacked. Traditional talk therapy, while incredibly valuable for gaining insight and awareness, often stops short. It focuses heavily on the mind and emotions, teaching coping mechanisms, but it can miss the most crucial element for lasting change: the body.As Trine explained, anxiety, trauma, and old patterns aren’t just in your head; they’re deeply wired into your nervous system. Your body remembers, reacts, and holds onto things your mind might have “understood” years ago. Until you address the physiological, somatic aspect of healing – until your body catches up to your mind – you’ll likely find yourself cycling through the same patterns, no matter how much you talk about them.Beyond Awareness: Towards “Relationship Freedom”Trine’s journey, from being an “empty shell” in her marriage to achieving what she calls “Relationship Freedom,” is a testament to this holistic approach. She shared:“Relationship Freedom is showing up as who you truly are and having deep committed relationships without losing yourself.”Think about that. How many of us have lost ourselves trying to maintain peace, gain approval, or simply survive in relationships? Trine’s work helps high-achieving women move past this self-abandonment, learn to set boundaries (without guilt!), and truly embody their authentic selves. She calls this path the “Integration Code” – moving from just knowing to fully accepting and living your truth.This episode is a must-listen for anyone who:* Has been in therapy but still feels stuck.* Struggles with people-pleasing or setting boundaries.* Feels disconnected from their authentic self.* Wants to move beyond just intellectual understanding to deep, embodied healing.Ready to Find Your Missing Piece?This conversation will challenge what you thought you knew about healing and empower you with a new roadmap for true transformation.Click below to watch the full episode and uncover the “missing piece” in your own healing journey:[CLICK HERE TO WATCH THE FULL EPISODE ON YOUTUBE]Connect with our incredible guest, Trine Schmidt:* Free Gift to Start Your Healing Journey: https://trineschmidt.com/freegift * Join Her Free Conscious Relationships Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/consciousrelationshipsgroup/Liked this post? Share it with someone who needs to hear this message, and subscribe to my Substack for more insights on flipping your mindset! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever had one of those days where a small inconvenience feels like a personal attack on your sanity?Maybe a spilled coffee sends a jolt of rage through you. A mildly critical email from your boss makes you spiral into self-doubt for hours. Or a simple change of plans from a friend feels like a massive, day-ruining betrayal.You know, logically, that your reaction feels bigger than the situation warrants. A little voice inside might even be saying, ‘Why are you getting so upset about this? Just shake it off.’If any of that sounds familiar, I want you to take a deep breath and hear this: You are not overreacting, and you are not broken. Your nervous system is likely overwhelmed, and it’s doing exactly what it was taught to do to survive.Think of your nervous system as your body’s smoke detector. Its job is to keep you safe from fire. But for many of us, because of our past experiences, that smoke detector has become exquisitely sensitive. It’s not just going off for a five-alarm fire; it’s blaring every time we make toast.A minor stressor—the toast—feels like a major threat, and our body sounds the alarm. We go into fight, flight, or freeze. This is why you might snap at a loved one (fight), feel a sudden urge to cancel all your plans (flight), or find yourself unable to make a simple decision (freeze). It’s exhausting, and it’s not your fault.So, where does this hyper-sensitivity come from?It often comes from the ‘invisible backpack’ we’ve been carrying since childhood. Into this backpack went all the things we experienced and absorbed:* The stress our parents were under.* The pressure to be perfect.* The times our feelings were dismissed or ignored.* The difficult events we were told not to talk about.We carry it for so long we forget it’s even there. We just assume life is supposed to feel this heavy. We spend our energy trying to manage the symptoms—the anxiety, the self-doubt, the disproportionate reactions—without ever having been taught how to look at the roots.This is the exact reason I created a new, powerful tool I want to share with my Substack community first.It’s called the HURRT Self-Assessment, which stands for Healing UnResolved Roots of Trauma.This isn’t a test to be passed or failed. It is a private, gentle, and compassionate way to finally take off the backpack and look inside. It’s a roadmap to help you connect the dots between your past experiences and your present-day feelings. It walks you through three key areas:* Adverse & Intergenerational Experiences: The tangible events and inherited family patterns you’ve carried.* Emotional Neglect: The profound impact of what didn’t happen—the emotional support you may have missed.* Strengths & Support Systems: The incredible resilience and points of light that have helped you survive.Your reactions are not random. They are a story. Understanding that story is the first step toward regulating your nervous system and finding a sense of safety and peace within yourself.If you are ready for clarity, I warmly invite you to take the assessment.It’s completely free, 100% private, and takes about 5-10 minutes to complete. The insight you will gain is yours forever.Click Here to Take the Free HURRT Self-Assessment NowLink: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/hurrtTaking this step is a profound act of self-care. It’s you, telling yourself: “My story matters, and I am ready to understand it.”With support,Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

What if I told you that emotional stress could be lowering your IQ? It’s a startling thought, but it points to a deeper issue many of us face. According to one staggering statistic, 75% of successful professionals feel misaligned, even when they appear to be thriving on the outside. For many, chasing a version of success that isn’t their own has led to a crisis of burnout, stress, and anxiety.This feeling of being perpetually overwhelmed and disconnected is something I discuss frequently, and it’s why I was so excited to have my friend and intuitive healer, Chitra Rochlani, on the podcast. She’s here to talk about the hidden cost of being emotionally disconnected and her groundbreaking solution to fix it.Chitra defines alignment as the harmony between your thoughts, your words, and your actions. Misalignment, she explains, is when you feel something internally but can’t say it or act on it for fear of judgment or consequence. In our conversation, we explored how modern life has caused many of us to lose touch with our inner wisdom, leaving us feeling stuck and exhausted.Key Insights from Our ConversationIn this episode, you will learn:* How to tell if you’re living from your ego (which operates on fear) versus your soul (which operates on love).* Why so many of us have forgotten how to listen to our intuition and the steps to start trusting that inner voice again.* How to break the vicious cycle of seeking hacks and quick fixes, and instead do the real “inner work” that creates lasting change.* Chitra’s powerful “peel, feel, deal, heal” framework for processing old conditioning and trapped emotions.* The secret to attracting what you want instead of chasing it, and how alignment makes it feel effortless.A Gym Membership for Your SoulChitra has created a groundbreaking virtual membership called the Align Lab, which she describes as a “gym membership for your soul”. It was born from the idea that after an inspiring retreat, we often return to our daily lives and feel that sense of connection fade away.The Align Lab is designed to provide community and consistency through live, virtual weekly sessions. It’s a space where you can just show up and have someone hold space for you. The schedule is packed with opportunities to reconnect with yourself, including:* Monday Manifestation Circles to set your intentions for the week.* “Attract Don’t Chase” sessions to shift your energy.* EFT Tapping on Wednesdays to move through emotional blocks.* Soulful Chapters, my own weekly book club where we dive deep into one chapter at a time.* Mandala Art Meditation for a nervous system reset.* Finding the Funny, a session with a stand-up comedian to find humor in life’s challenges.Ready to get off the hamster wheel and find your flow? This conversation is your invitation to stop chasing and start attracting a life that feels true to you.Find out more about Chitra Rochlani and try a free week of the Align Lab at the official website: https://www.fitwarriorlife.com/alignlab This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever felt like you’re running into the same invisible walls in your life?Maybe it’s in your relationships, where you keep finding yourself in the same dynamic over and over. Maybe it’s a constant, humming anxiety you can’t quite explain. Or maybe it’s just a persistent feeling of being ‘stuck,’ like you’re paddling as hard as you can, but the current keeps pulling you back.If any of that resonates, it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because you’re operating from a blueprint that was created long ago, and most of us were never taught how to read it. Our past experiences, especially those from childhood, create the foundation for our adult lives—how we connect, how we react to stress, and the beliefs we hold about ourselves.For years in my work, I’ve seen how transformative it is when a person finally gets access to their own blueprint. The confusion gives way to clarity. The self-blame is replaced by self-compassion.That is why I created a brand-new, free tool that I am so excited to share with you. It’s called the HURRT Self-Assessment, which stands for Healing UnResolved Roots of Trauma.Today, I want to give you a brief tour of this powerful assessment, so you can see how it can provide the roadmap you’ve been missing.A Tour of Your Own StoryThe HURRT Self-Assessment is broken down into three critical sections. Each one helps to paint a more complete picture of your blueprint.Part 1: Adverse & Intergenerational Experiences This section looks at the tangible ‘rocks’ in your backpack. Based on the groundbreaking ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study, it explores the clear link between difficult childhood events and adult well-being. But it also goes a step further, asking about the subtle, inherited patterns of intergenerational trauma. Sometimes the anxiety we feel isn’t even ours; it’s a pattern of worry we learned from our parents, who learned it from theirs. This section helps you see those connections.Part 2: Emotional Neglect This is often the hardest part for people to identify, because it’s not about what did happen; it’s about what didn’t happen. Emotional neglect is the absence of having your feelings seen, heard, and validated as a child. For many, this section provides the biggest ‘aha’ moment, giving a name to a lifelong feeling of emptiness or loneliness they could never quite place.Part 3: Strengths & Support Systems This is the most important part. You are not just your wounds; you are also your incredible capacity to heal. This section helps you identify the “gold.” It measures your resilience factors—the trusted adult who believed in you, the hobby that helped you cope, the inner strength that got you through. These are the points of light and the foundation upon which we build healing.Your Score is Not a Label—It’s a Starting PointOnce you complete the assessment, you’ll instantly get a score that places you in one of four tiers.I need to say this very clearly: This score is not a judgment. It is not a label. It is not a measure of your worth. It is simply a measurement of the weight in your backpack. It’s a starting point for compassion.The goal isn’t to feel bad; it’s to finally be able to say, “Oh, that’s why I feel this way. It all makes sense.” That self-validation is where true healing begins.Acknowledging the weight of your backpack is the only way you can begin to gently set it down. Taking this assessment is an act of courage and profound self-care. It’s you, telling yourself: ‘My story matters. I matter. And I am ready for clarity.’If you feel ready, I personally invite you to take the assessment now. It’s completely free, 100% private, and takes about 10 minutes to complete.Click Here to Take the Free HURRT Self-AssessmentLink: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/hurrtYou deserve to understand your own story.With support,Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

When people ask about your childhood, do you find yourself saying something like, “Oh, it was fine,” or “It was good, I guess. I had everything I needed…”?On the surface, it’s true. There was food on the table, a roof over your head, and no big, overt traumas to point to. Yet, deep down, there’s a part of you that feels like something was missing. You might carry a persistent feeling of emptiness, loneliness, or a sense that you’re somehow fundamentally different from other people.If that resonates, you are in the right place. We’re going to talk about one of the most common but least understood forms of childhood wounding: Emotional Neglect.It’s the invisible wound. And today, we’re going to make it visible.Defining the Wound of OmissionSo, what exactly is emotional neglect?Unlike abuse or physical neglect, which are acts of commission (things that were done to you), emotional neglect is an act of omission.It’s not about what your parents did; it’s about what they failed to do.It is the failure of parents or caregivers to notice, respond to, and validate your emotional needs. They may have loved you, provided for you, and wished the best for you. But they didn’t have the capacity to connect with you on an emotional level. They didn’t help you name your feelings, they didn’t show you that your inner world was important, and they didn’t truly see you for who you were.As a child, you don’t have the words for this experience. You just internalize the consequences. You learn that your feelings don’t matter, that your needs are a burden, and that you are, in a very deep way, on your own. This creates a profound wound, and it shows up in very specific ways in your adult life.Five Signs You Grew Up with Emotional NeglectLet’s look at five of the most common signs that you might be carrying this invisible wound. See which of these feel true for you.* A Persistent Feeling of Emptiness or Numbness.This is the hallmark sign. You might have a good life on the outside—a decent job, friends, a partner—but you feel a chronic emptiness inside, like a piece is missing. This is because the emotional connection and validation you were supposed to receive as a child left a void that material things can’t fill.* You Are Your Own Harshest Critic.When your feelings weren’t validated as a child, you learn not to trust them. You internalize the message that something is inherently wrong with you for having those feelings. This evolves into a loud inner critic that judges you for your emotions, your mistakes, and your very needs. Self-compassion feels foreign and undeserved.* You Have Difficulty Identifying and Expressing Your Feelings.Does your mind go blank when someone asks, “How are you feeling?” Children learn to identify and manage their emotions through their interactions with caregivers. If no one helped you do this, you likely grew into an adult who is disconnected from your own inner world. You might know you feel “bad,” but you can’t pinpoint if it’s anger, sadness, shame, or fear.* You Feel Deeply Uncomfortable Asking for Help or Having Needs.You probably learned very early on that your needs were an inconvenience, a burden, or simply invisible. As an adult, this translates into a fierce, often isolating, independence. You feel guilty, weak, or anxious for needing anything from anyone. You do everything yourself, often to the point of exhaustion and burnout, because it feels safer than relying on others.* You Struggle with Self-Discipline and Nurturing Yourself.This one might seem counterintuitive, but consistent self-discipline is really just an act of self-parenting. If you weren’t shown how to nurture yourself, care for your own needs, or create helpful structure, it can be very difficult to do it for yourself as an adult. You might know what you “should” do to take care of yourself, but you struggle to follow through.Connecting the Dots: Your Story Makes SenseIf you resonated with one, or maybe even all five of those signs, I want you to take a deep breath.You are not broken. You are not overly sensitive. What you are feeling makes perfect sense based on what you didn’t receive.Giving a name to this experience—”Emotional Neglect”—is the first, most powerful step toward healing. The next step is to get a clearer picture of how these patterns fit into your unique story. It’s time to connect the dots between your past and your present.This is exactly why I included a section dedicated entirely to Emotional Neglect in my HURRT Self-Assessment. It’s a free, private tool I created to help you explore these patterns alongside your other life experiences and your incredible strengths. It’s designed to help you see the full picture with clarity, not judgment.It’s a starting point for giving yourself the understanding you may have never received.Take the FREE HURRT Self-Assessment and start connecting the dots.A Simple First Step You Can Take TodayUnderstanding this is one thing, but what can you do right now? Here is one simple practice to begin building the skill of self-validation.Start a ‘Feelings Journal.’A few times a day, simply pause and ask yourself: “What am I feeling in my body right now?”Don’t judge the answer or try to fix it. Just name it. “I feel a tightness in my chest.” “I feel a buzzing in my hands.” “I feel a hollowness in my stomach.” You are simply practicing the act of noticing your own inner experience. This is how you begin to fill that void from the inside out.You Deserve This ClarityHealing from emotional neglect is about learning to give yourself the emotional attention and validation you didn’t receive. It’s a process of coming home to yourself.If you are ready to get clear on your own story and see how these pieces fit together, I warmly invite you to take the free HURRT Self-Assessment. It’s a powerful, illuminating step toward understanding yourself more deeply.Click here to get started with the free HURRT Self-Assessment.You deserve this clarity.With warmth,Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Is It Your Personality, or a Survival Tactic?Uncovering the hidden 80% of your mind that dictates your success.We all have a story we tell ourselves about who we are. "I'm a perfectionist," "I'm a workaholic," "I'm just someone who avoids the spotlight." We treat these traits as fixed parts of our personality, the fundamental building blocks of us. But what if they aren't?In a recent fascinating conversation with Amy Kemp, a certified Habit Finder Coach, we explored a powerful idea: many of the traits we consider to be our personality are actually just brilliant survival adaptations we developed years ago. And while they once kept us safe, they may now be the very things holding us back.The Subconscious Engine Running Your LifeAmy’s work focuses on a crucial distinction: it's not about behavioral habits like what time you wake up, but about our deep-seated "habits of thinking". The most startling fact? The subconscious mind makes up more than 80% of our thought life, and we are largely unaware of its immense impact on our decisions, relationships, and follow-through.These subconscious patterns are grooves carved into our brain over years of repeated thoughts, strengthened by our innate drive to survive. The thought patterns that helped us feel safe or seen as a child became deeply embedded. But here’s the critical turning point:"When you employ a survival mechanism past the point of needing it, it becomes damaging and detrimental."Recognizing Your "Gatekeepers"Think about the roles we play. The host of the show calls these our "protective parts" or "gatekeepers"—subconscious strategies we use to protect ourselves. Do any of these sound familiar?* The extreme people-pleaser* The no-boundary setter* The fly-under-the-radar part* The extreme perfectionist* The workaholicThese aren't character flaws; they are often brilliant strategies for surviving an experience that was overwhelming. For one of Amy’s clients, growing up with an alcoholic parent meant safety depended on not being seen. Decades later, long after the threat was gone, her subconscious still screamed "DANGER" at any decision that felt extravagant or visible, like choosing to buy a plane ticket instead of driving.The cost of these outdated programs can be devastating. Another of Amy's clients grew up with the unwritten rule that rest was lazy and work was always praised. She internalized this so deeply that she worked herself into a silent heart attack, a powerful and terrifying example of how our thought habits can override even our most basic physical needs.The Work of Rewriting Your StoryUncovering these layers isn't easy. It’s often the point where coaching meets deeper healing work to address the root of the trauma or unmet expectations. The goal is to move from a state of conditional value—"I am valuableif I achieve this, if I look this way, if my kids succeed"—to a state of inherent value: "I am, therefore I am valuable. Period the end".Every decision we make has an explanation below the surface. The work is not about blame, but about curiosity and understanding. As Amy reminds us, the people who are willing to do the brave work of healing have her utmost respect, because it is the most courageous and worthwhile journey we can take.You can get through life without doing this work. As my own father once told me after reading about my journey with anxiety, "You can, but not without a cost". That cost is paid in our relationships, our potential, and our ability to live a fully connected life.What "unwritten rules" from your past might still be running your present?To hear the full conversation, listen to the latest episode here: [Link to Podcast Episode]You can learn more about Amy Kemp, her book "I See You," and take her free Habit Finder Assessment at her website, amykemp.com.add amy website https://amykemp.com/Mostrar razonamientoOf course. Here is the updated Substack post with the website link included.Is It Your Personality, or a Survival Tactic?Uncovering the hidden 80% of your mind that dictates your success.We all have a story we tell ourselves about who we are. "I'm a perfectionist," "I'm a workaholic," "I'm just someone who avoids the spotlight." We treat these traits as fixed parts of our personality, the fundamental building blocks of us. But what if they aren't?In a recent fascinating conversation with Amy Kemp, a certified Habit Finder Coach, we explored a powerful idea: many of the traits we consider to be our personality are actually just brilliant survival adaptations we developed years ago. And while they once kept us safe, they may now be the very things holding us back.The Subconscious Engine Running Your LifeAmy’s work focuses on a crucial distinction: it's not about behavioral habits like what time you wake up, but about our deep-seated "habits of thinking". The most startling fact? The subconscious mind makes up more than 80% of our thought life, and we are largely unaware of its immense impact on our decisions, relationships, and follow-through.These subconscious patterns are grooves carved into our brain over years of repeated thoughts, strengthened by our innate drive to survive. The thought patterns that helped us feel safe or seen as a child became deeply embedded. But here’s the critical turning point:"When you employ a survival mechanism past the point of needing it, it becomes damaging and detrimental."Recognizing Your "Gatekeepers"Think about the roles we play. The host of the show calls these our "protective parts" or "gatekeepers"—subconscious strategies we use to protect ourselves. Do any of these sound familiar?* The extreme people-pleaser* The no-boundary setter* The fly-under-the-radar part* The extreme perfectionist* The workaholicThese aren't character flaws; they are often brilliant strategies for surviving an experience that was overwhelming. For one of Amy’s clients, growing up with an alcoholic parent meant safety depended on not being seen. Decades later, long after the threat was gone, her subconscious still screamed "DANGER" at any decision that felt extravagant or visible, like choosing to buy a plane ticket instead of driving.The cost of these outdated programs can be devastating. Another of Amy's clients grew up with the unwritten rule that rest was lazy and work was always praised. She internalized this so deeply that she worked herself into a silent heart attack, a powerful and terrifying example of how our thought habits can override even our most basic physical needs.The Work of Rewriting Your StoryUncovering these layers isn't easy. It’s often the point where coaching meets deeper healing work to address the root of the trauma or unmet expectations. The goal is to move from a state of conditional value—"I am valuableif I achieve this, if I look this way, if my kids succeed"—to a state of inherent value: "I am, therefore I am valuable. Period the end".Every decision we make has an explanation below the surface. The work is not about blame, but about curiosity and understanding. As Amy reminds us, the people who are willing to do the brave work of healing have her utmost respect, because it is the most courageous and worthwhile journey we can take.You can get through life without doing this work. As the host's own father once said after reading about her journey with anxiety, "You can, but not without a cost". That cost is paid in our relationships, our potential, and our ability to live a fully connected life.What "unwritten rules" from your past might still be running your present?You can learn more about Amy Kemp, her book "I See You," and take her free Habit Finder Assessment at her website, https://amykemp.com/. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Hey everyone,Have you ever felt like you're constantly "on alert," carrying a heavy, invisible backpack you can't seem to put down? That underlying hum of anxiety, the one that whispers in the background even when everything logically seems okay?If so, you're not alone. And I’m here to tell you something truly important: it’s not your fault.For years, I lived with what I now call "high-functioning anxiety." On the outside, I was capable, driven, and seemingly fine. But on the inside, I was exhausted, perpetually vigilant, and constantly searching for a sense of calm that felt just out of reach.I tried all the things, just like many of you might have: the deep breathing exercises, the meditation apps, the positive affirmations. And yes, they offered moments of respite, brief periods where the hum quieted. But it always returned. It felt like I was patching over symptoms without ever getting to the root. I even found myself blaming myself, wondering why these "simple fixes" didn't create lasting change for me.My Breakthrough Moment: When Anxiety Became My TeacherIt took two nervous system breakdowns to truly shake me awake. Those challenging experiences became my biggest breakthroughs. They taught me that my anxiety wasn't a flaw, or something to be "fixed" or fought against. Instead, it was an overworked protector, a part of me trying desperately to keep me safe, operating from old programming.This profound realization led me down a different path. I became a Certified Trauma Care Practitioner, diving deep into body-based approaches like Polyvagal Theory and Parts Work – tools that don't just address symptoms but gently untangle the roots of distress and create lasting change. I learned how to befriend my nervous system, understand its language, and finally reclaim an inherent sense of inner safety and peace.And now, after walking this path myself, I'm here to show you how to do it too.Introducing: The Calm CodeI created The Calm Code, an 8-week group coaching journey, because I believe everyone deserves to put down that invisible backpack and find their way back to an authentic, deep sense of calm.This isn't about quick fixes or surface-level bandaids. This is about a guided journey of discovery and healing, structured around three powerful pillars:* Clarity: We start by understanding. What is trauma, really, and how does it show up in your body? We'll explore the 'Invisible Backpack' of intergenerational patterns and the core beliefs that might be unconsciously holding you back.* Healing: This is where we get practical. Using powerful tools from Polyvagal Theory, Parts Work, and somatic awareness, we'll learn to gently shift your system from a state of survival to one of true safety. You'll learn to understand the subtle cues of your anxiety, not as an enemy, but as a messenger.* Integration: The final stage is about making these changes stick. We'll practice somatic anchors and daily regulation techniques that help you create internal safety, build resilience, and truly reclaim the calm you've been searching for.What You Can Expect When You Join Us:The Calm Code is a powerful and compassionate container designed for deep transformation. When you join, you’ll receive:* 8 x 90-Minute Live Group Coaching Calls via Zoom: Intimate, guided sessions where you'll learn, share, and grow.* A Private, Off-Social-Media Community Hub: A safe space to connect with your cohort, share insights, and support each other between sessions.* A comprehensive Companion Book: Filled with journal prompts and exercises to deepen your understanding and integration.* Lifetime Access to All Session Recordings: Revisit the material anytime, at your own pace.* Special Bonus: Guided Hypnosis Recordings: Powerful tools to further support and soothe your nervous system.I intentionally limit each cohort to only 8 members to ensure an intimate, safe, and deeply supportive environment for everyone.Your Invitation to Inner PeaceThe Calm Code is a psycho-educational and coaching program – a powerful complement to your healing journey. If you're ready to move beyond surface-level fixes and truly untangle the roots of your anxiety, this is for you.The next cohort begins October 1st, and doors will close on September 27th to ensure everyone is prepared to start together. These spots will fill up quickly.Don't let this opportunity pass you by. It's time to stop carrying that invisible backpack. It's time to reclaim your calm.Click here to secure your spot before it's too late: I can't wait to walk this path with you.With warmth,Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

I'm usually the one asking the questions. As the host of a podcast, I guide my guests through their stories. But recently, I felt compelled to share my own. I handed the microphone over to an expert I deeply respect, Dr. Veronique Mead of the Chronic Illness Trauma Studies blog, and became the guest on my own show.I needed to talk about my journey—a journey that led to three different autoimmune diagnoses. More importantly, I wanted to talk about the profound realization that my physical health was inextricably linked to my life experiences. It was a connection I had to explore if I was ever going to truly heal.A Body in RevoltIt all came to a head during the pandemic with a diagnosis of seronegative rheumatoid arthritis. The symptoms were overwhelming. The pain was severe and oddly specific, targeting the insides of my elbows, my wrists, my fingers, and my knees. The inflammation grew so extreme that it caused micro tears in my shoulders.But the fatigue was on another level. It wasn't just being tired. "I feel like I'm coming out of anesthesia," I'd tell my husband. I tried to explain the feeling by saying, "imagine if you have a grape and your grape is like a really healthy cell and it's full of energy... all of my cells feel like they're depleted like a raisin".When my lab work came back, my C-reactive protein (CRP), a marker for inflammation, was "off the charts". While I was missing the main rheumatoid marker, seeing those high numbers was a strange form of validation. It was concrete proof that the pain I felt was real.The Lifelong Fight to Be HeardGetting that proof was a battle in itself. My first attempt to see a doctor ended with me being "kicked out of the office" because I mentioned fatigue, and she immediately assumed it was a symptom of COVID. I felt the crushing reality of a medical system where doctors are so rushed they can't always stop and truly listen.That feeling was painfully familiar. A core part of my challenge growing up was not being heard and not being believed. Now, decades later, that same dynamic was being reenacted in the doctor's office. But this time, I knew I had to be my own best advocate. I showed up to appointments with notes, pictures, and a persistence that said I was not willing to be dismissed.It Wasn't Random, It Was TraumaHaving already been diagnosed with Raynaud's and endometriosis, I knew this third inflammatory, autoimmune condition wasn't random. I had been studying Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) for years, and I suspected my physical illnesses had deep roots in my past.So, when the rheumatologist offered me steroids, I paused. I looked at her and asked, "What do you know about ACEs?". Intuitively, I knew that taking steroids would be like putting a "band-aid on a bullet wound". The wound wasn't in my joints; it was in my history.It wasn't just about the big, obvious traumas that are typically measured. It was about what I've come to call the "mist of dysfunction". It's that chronic, pervasive, and unseen stress that you can't quite put your finger on, but that soaks into every part of your childhood, making you feel unseen or alone. To survive it, we develop what I call "brilliant adaptations"—coping mechanisms that take a massive toll on our nervous system.A Whisper on the Acupuncture TableI asked my doctor to hold the steroids and give me three months. I chose a different path: intensive, trauma-informed acupuncture, twice a week.One day, lying on the table during a cupping session, everything changed. In that deeply relaxed state, I heard a whisper that felt like it came from nowhere and everywhere at once: "You were never alone. I was always with you".I started to cry. I instantly knew it was my body speaking to me. It had been with me through everything, absorbing the pain of the isolation I felt like a child. It had taken it all on me, and now it was breaking from the strain. That was the turning point in my healing. I finally understood why my body was so "jacked up".My Path to True WellnessThe healing journey wasn't a straight line. After those first three months, my CRP levels were actually higher than ever. But something incredible was happening: my pain was subsiding, and my fatigue was lifting. My amazing doctor agreed to "treat the patient, not the number". We decided to watch and wait.After about a year of this deep work, I went back for more blood work. My CRP was 2.7—a normal level. The chronic fatigue that had plagued me was completely gone, and it has never returned.Today, I still get flickers of pain from time to time, but my relationship with it has completely changed. It's no longer a sign that I'm broken. It's a signal to stop and get curious. It's my body asking me to check in. My goal isn't total elimination of symptoms, but a "decrease of frequency, duration, and intensity". And on that front, I have found profound success. My body was holding a story it needed me to hear. By finally stopping to listen, I was able to help him heal. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

The Invisible Backpack You Can't Put DownLet me guess something about your daily experience.You feel constantly on alert, waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know logically that you're safe, but your body is telling you a completely different story. You're exhausted from carrying what I call the "Invisible Backpack"—this weight you can't seem to put down, no matter how hard you try.And here's what's truly frustrating: You've tried all the "right" things.Deep breathing? Helps for about five minutes.Meditation? Feels impossible because your mind won't quiet down.Positive affirmations? They bounce right off because there's a deeper voice inside saying, "Yeah, right."If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. I carried this same invisible weight for 30 years, through two nervous system breakdowns that ultimately became my biggest breakthrough.The Revelation That Changes EverythingHere's what changed everything for me, and what I wish someone had told me decades ago:Your anxiety isn't a character flaw. It's not something broken that needs fixing.Your anxiety is actually wise. Misunderstood, yes. But wise.It's a part of you that's working overtime to keep you safe. Think about it—anxiety is your nervous system's alarm system. If that alarm keeps going off, it's not because the alarm is broken. It's because something deeper is telling your system that you're not safe.This is precisely why surface-level solutions don't create lasting change. They're like putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs deeper healing.You're not just managing symptoms anymore. You need to address the root cause.Why Fighting Your Anxiety Makes It StrongerMost anxiety advice tells you to fight it, overcome it, or push through it. But here's what I've learned through my own healing journey and working with hundreds of clients:Fighting your anxiety is like trying to calm a scared child by yelling at them.When we fight our anxiety, we're essentially telling this protective part of ourselves, "You're wrong, you're overreacting, you need to stop." But anxiety isn't logical—it's primal. It's operating from a place of perceived threat, and fighting it only confirms to your nervous system that there really is something to be afraid of.Instead of fighting, what if we got curious?What Your Anxiety Is Really Trying to Tell YouReal healing happens when we stop fighting our anxiety and start understanding its language. This means recognizing three fundamental truths:1. Your Anxiety Often Stems From Old WoundsYour nervous system might be responding to inherited beliefs, past experiences, or generational patterns that taught it to stay on high alert. That tightness in your chest might not be about your current presentation at work—it might be connected to feeling unsafe to be seen, a pattern that goes much deeper.2. Your Body Holds the WisdomYour nervous system isn't broken—it's doing exactly what it was designed to do based on the information it has. Learning to work with your nervous system rather than against it means tuning into what your body is telling you and responding with compassion rather than criticism.3. The Calm You're Searching For Is Already Within YouThe peace you're looking for isn't something you need to find outside yourself. It's something you can reclaim from within. You're not seeking to add more calm to your life—you're removing the barriers that prevent you from accessing the calm that's already there.The Science-Backed Path ForwardIn my work, I use specific approaches that go beyond surface-level symptom management:Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how our nervous system responds to safety and threat, and how to consciously shift from survival mode to connection mode.Parts Work recognizes that we all have different aspects of ourselves—including the anxious part that's trying to protect us. When we learn to dialogue with these parts instead of fighting them, profound healing becomes possible.Somatic Awareness teaches us to listen to the wisdom of our bodies and nervous systems, creating lasting change from the inside out.These aren't just fancy therapeutic terms—they're science-backed approaches that help you shift from constantly managing anxiety to actually feeling safe and connected in your own body.A Different Kind of Healing StoryOne of my clients recently told me: "I'm a completely different person than I was before. And yet, I'm exactly still me. Just a calmer, more enlightened version."This is what real healing looks like. You don't become someone else—you become who you've always been underneath all that protective armor.You wake up without that constant hum of anxiety. You trust yourself deeply. You feel genuinely calm and centered, not because you've managed your symptoms, but because you've healed the root cause.The Path ForwardThe journey isn't about fixing your anxiety or fighting it. It's about becoming curious about what it's trying to tell you and gently healing the parts of yourself that learned they needed to stay on guard.It's about recognizing that your anxiety has been working overtime to protect you, and it deserves compassion, not criticism.Most importantly, it's about understanding that you're not broken. You never were.You're just ready to reclaim the calm that's always been within you—and that's not too much to ask for. It's your birthright.If this resonates with you and you're ready to move beyond just managing your anxiety, I invite you to learn more about The Calm Code—an 8-week journey designed to help you understand your anxiety, befriend your nervous system, and reclaim your inner sense of safety and peace.What's one thing your anxiety might be trying to protect you from? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.Share this post if it helped you see your anxiety in a new light. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is help someone else feel less alone in their struggle. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Picture this: You're in the middle of an argument with your partner, and suddenly you hear words coming out of your mouth that sound eerily familiar. Not because you've said them before, but because you've heard them before. Maybe it's your mother's sharp tone, or your father's way of shutting down when things get heated. In that moment, you realize you're not just you—you're carrying someone else's script.Welcome to what I call the invisible backpack theory.We're All Walking Around with Invisible WeightEvery single person you encounter is carrying an invisible backpack. I share this concept with my clients daily because once you see it, you can't unsee it. And more importantly, once you understand what's in your backpack, you can finally decide what stays and what goes.But what exactly is in this invisible backpack?* Your lived experiences and the unique interpretations you made from them* Survival strategies you learned in moments of crisis (often between ages 9-11, when core beliefs typically form)* Quick adaptations you developed to navigate your family system* Core beliefs that now filter every thought you have* Inherited patterns from the people who raised youHere's the thing that might blow your mind: Your backpack isn't just filled with your stuff. It's packed with generations of other people's coping mechanisms, beliefs, and survival strategies.The 256 People Shaping Your DecisionsStudies show we carry influences from seven generations. Seven. Do the math—that's 256 people who have shaped how you show up in the world today.Every time you make a decision, navigate conflict, or respond to stress, you're drawing from this multigenerational playbook. That voice in your head telling you how to handle a situation? It might not even be yours.In my practice, I often ask clients a simple but powerful question: "Whose voice is it?"When you catch yourself using certain phrases or making specific choices, pause and ask: Where did I first hear this? Whose voice am I channeling right now?The answer is rarely "mine."When Survival Strategies Become Life SentencesHere's what I see constantly: A client in their 30s, 40s, 50s, or 60s comes to me feeling stuck. They're using coping strategies that worked for a 10-year-old trying to survive their family system, but these same strategies are wreaking havoc on their adult relationships and nervous system.They're still living from the seat of core beliefs formed decades ago—beliefs that were never actually true, just necessary for survival at the time.Maybe their grandmother learned to people-please to avoid conflict in an abusive household. Their mother inherited this pattern and passed it down. Now they're exhausted from saying yes to everything, wondering why they can't just "be more assertive" without understanding they're fighting against three generations of conditioning.The Cycle Breaker's DilemmaRecognizing these patterns is just the first step. The real challenge comes when you decide to do things differently.When you start unpacking your invisible backpack and choosing your own beliefs, your family system will notice. And they might not like it."That's not how we do things." "That's not how our family handles this." "What's gotten into you?"This pushback isn't personal—it's predictable. Family systems have unwritten rules and invisible contracts. When someone starts questioning these agreements, it threatens the entire structure.But here's what I want you to understand: You have the right to travel lighter.The Unpacking ProcessBreaking generational cycles starts with awareness. Here's how to begin:1. Notice the patterns. When you react strongly to something, get curious. How far back does this reaction go? Have you seen this response in your family before?2. Identify the voice. That inner critic, that way of handling conflict, that belief about what you deserve—whose voice is it really?3. Question the inheritance. Just because something worked for previous generations doesn't mean it has to work for you. You get to choose what serves your life now.4. Expect resistance. When you start changing, your family system will push back. This doesn't mean you're doing something wrong—it means you're doing something different.5. Set boundaries. Sometimes loving your family means loving them from a distance while you figure out who you are without their conditioning.Your Permission SlipI'm giving you permission to question everything you inherited. That voice telling you you're "not good enough"? Question it. That belief that conflict always leads to abandonment? Question it. That strategy of making yourself small to keep others comfortable? Question it all.You are not required to carry every piece of baggage that was handed to you. You get to unpack your invisible backpack and decide what actually belongs to you.The goal isn't to blame previous generations—they were doing the best they could with what they had in their backpacks. The goal is to recognize that you have choices they might not have had.The Ripple EffectWhen you become a cycle breaker, you don't just change your own life. You change the trajectory for everyone who comes after you. The patterns you choose not to pass down, the healing you do, the boundaries you set—all of this becomes a gift to future generations.Your children, your partner, your community—they all benefit when you show up as authentically yourself rather than as a collection of inherited responses.So here's my question for you: What's in your invisible backpack that's ready to go? What patterns are you carrying that belonged to someone else's life, someone else's circumstances, someone else's survival?It's time to unpack. It's time to choose what stays and what gets left behind.Your authentic self is waiting underneath all those inherited layers. And the world needs that version of you.Ready to explore what's in your invisible backpack in a safe, supportive container? If this resonates with you, consider joining The Calm Code—an 8-week group coaching journey designed to help you gently untangle the roots of your anxiety, befriend your nervous system, and reclaim your inherent sense of inner safety and peace.[Join the waitlist here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode] This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We need to talk about trauma.When most people hear that word, they think of an event. A big, scary, obvious moment that takes us off guard and leaves us feeling unsafe. And yes, an event can certainly be traumatic.But it’s my mission for you to understand this: the event comes and goes. It ends.The trauma is what happens after. It’s the unhealed wound. It's the way your nervous system adjusts and adapts, the way that experience continues to influence how you navigate life, see yourself, and interact with others in a negative or self-limiting way.If a horrible childhood experience from 30 years ago is still influencing how you relate to your family today, that’s the trauma. We can’t change the past experience, but we can absolutely heal the wound.The Myth of "Big T" vs. "Little t" TraumaPeople like to categorize trauma into "big T" and "little t." I understand why, but it's not how I see it. I see every experience as being impactful. I've worked with countless clients who were influenced in the exact same ways, whether their traumatic experience was overt and obvious or something much harder to see.This is where the idea of a "paper cut laceration" comes in.Think about the big, overt experiences—surviving a natural disaster, witnessing a significant crime, physical or sexual assault. Anyone looking at that would say, "Wow, that's traumatic." It’s a gaping wound that everyone can see.But what about what I call the "mist of dysfunction"? This is the constant, chronic, pervasive stress that leaves you feeling unseen, unheard, unimportant, and unsafe. It isn't a single event; it's the air you breathed. It’s covert.In this case, you don’t have a gaping wound. You have a paper cut.Ninety percent of the time, I don’t even know I have a paper cut until I’m cooking and some lemon juice or salt gets into it. Then I look down and say, “Oh my gosh, look at that.” And it hurts. It hurts a lot.Some of my clients are walking around with hundreds of these internal paper cuts on their soul, on their heart space. These are things that wounded them at their core, but nobody can see them. Often, this "mist of dysfunction" was the norm in their family, community, or culture, so no one ever saw it as impactful.These wounds may be small and invisible on the surface, but they are equally profound.If my writing on healing resonates with you, I invite you to join me on Instagram for more support. There, I share daily insights and tools to help you heal anxiety from within, drawing from my work as a Trauma Care Specialist. Let's connect!Join me on Instagram: @staceyuhrigYour Body Remembers What Your Mind Can't NameSo how does this show up? It’s not always a clear story. This is the difference between explicit and implicit memory.* Explicit memory is what you can recall with language. It's the story of an event that you can relay back to me.* Implicit memory is a sensation, a feeling, a memory held in the body. You don't have language for it.It’s that feeling when you walk into a room and a pit forms in your stomach. It’s the tingling in your chest or the hairs on your arms standing up, but you don't know why. Your body is remembering something your conscious mind can't articulate.This is why many people don’t connect their current struggles to past experiences. I have a list of 27 common trauma responses that people don't realize are connected to unresolved wounds. They include things like:* Brain fog* Anxiety* Chronic fatigue or illness* Chronic inflammation* Breaking out in hives* OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)* SuicidalityThese aren’t random symptoms. They are often the language of an unhealed wound that doesn't have words.You Were Your First GaslighterThe first step to healing is awareness—understanding how our lived experiences have impacted us in ways we never realized. But often, the biggest barrier to this awareness is ourselves.In many ways, we are our own first gaslighters.If you grew up being told to "fluff it off" or "just let it go" when an experience impacted you, you learned to do that to yourself. You started saying things like:* "It wasn't that big of a deal, so it shouldn't be bothering me."* "I had clothes on my back and food on my table. What do I have to complain about?"We diminish our own experiences. Then, decades later, we don't understand why we're stuck.My mission—through my Instagram, my podcast, and my work—is to generate awareness on a massive scale. I want more people to have the understanding that their lived experiences were exactly as impactful as their nervous system is telling them they are.Your feelings are valid. That wound is real. And it can be healed.If this resonates with you and you're ready to explore healing in a safe container, I invite you to join the waitlist for The Calm Code. This is where we do this work together.You can click here to learn more and sign up: flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

For anyone who has felt that familiar, dreaded sensation—the racing heart, the tight chest, the mind spiraling into a thousand worst-case scenarios—the immediate instinct is to fight it. To push it down, wish it away, and get it to the curb. We treat anxiety like a relentless enemy, a bug in our system that we need to eradicate.For 30 years, I felt the exact same way. My "ride or die at the control panel of my life" was an anxiety part. It felt like a loyal, but deeply burdensome, companion I just couldn't shake.But what if I told you that this part of you isn't trying to destroy your life? What if its fundamental mission is actually to protect you?This shift in perspective is the key to truly healing. It’s a concept rooted in "parts work," a method influenced by a therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems (IFS). And it changes everything.Meet Your 'Parts'At its core, IFS believes that we are not a single, singular entity. Instead, we are made up of many different "parts."Think about it. We all have different sides of us that emerge in different situations. Maybe you recognize some of these in yourself:* A people-pleasing part* A perfectionist part* An overachieving part* A workaholic partWe can have hundreds of parts, from the ones that help us function to the ones that lead to addiction or self-abandonment. But here is the radical truth:every single one of these parts, no matter how chaotic or destructive it may seem, believes it is helping you survive.These parts often emerge when we don't feel safe or capable of dealing with a perceived threat. They are born in moments of survival.So, What is Your Anxious Part's Job?Your anxious part is one of the most loyal protectors you have. Its entire job is to scan for threats and keep you on high alert.This part gets activated when one of our three fundamental needs feels threatened:* Love and belonging* Safety and security* Our physiological needsEven just feeling like you might not be liked by a group can feel like a threat to your need to belong. When a need might not be met, your system perceives it as a threat to your very being, and a part must be activated to protect you.The problem is, this part carries a very heavy responsibility to keep you safe all the time. It is burdened because it doesn't believe that your core Self is actually capable of handling the job.From Conflict to CompassionSo how does knowing this help?When you can finally see that anxiety is just apart of you—not the whole you—and that this part has a benevolent mission, the internal war begins to cease. You realize you don't have to hate it.You can get curious. You can build a different relationship with it.When you can turn to that anxious part and build trust, showing it that you (your core Self) can lead and are capable of keeping yourself safe, something magical happens. The anxiety will start to tamper down.This is how we move from a relationship of internalconflict to one of compassion and curiosity. You are not an anxious person; you are a whole person who has a part that is activated and trying to help.Ready to Go Deeper?This is just a small glimpse into the work we'll do inside The Calm Code, my book and course designed to help you heal the root of anxiety. We dive deep into understanding trauma, the nervous system, your window of tolerance, and how to map your own individual parts to finally move from a state of survival to one of safety and connection.If you are ready to build a new, more compassionate relationship with yourself, I invite you to join the waitlist.Click Here to Join The Calm Code Waitlist(https://www.flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode)I'd love to hear from you in the comments. What "parts" do you recognize most in yourself? Sharing helps all of us feel less alone. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Have you ever had a moment in your day or your life where you’ve thought, "I just don't have the bandwidth for this"?. It’s a common feeling—the sense that your capacity to cope is completely spent. But what if this isn't a personal failing, but a physiological signal from your nervous system?This is the core idea behind the "Window of Tolerance," a concept developed by Stephen Porges that provides a powerful map for understanding our mental and emotional states. It suggests we all have an optimal zone where we can handle life's challenges. When we're pushed outside of that zone, we react in predictable ways.Inside the Window: Your Optimal ZoneWhen you are within your Window of Tolerance, you're in what's called your "optimal coping range". Some also refer to it as the "window of capacity". In this state, you have a lot of flexibility in how you see problems. You can stay calm, cool, and collected, and emotionally regulate your nervous system with ease, no matter what's going on around you.The things that keep this window wide are often the pillars of self-care we hear so much about:* Healthy nutrition and eating habits.* Getting an ample amount of sleep.* Drinking enough water and taking care of our bodies.* Practices like yoga, meditation, and breathwork.* Connecting with others, such as having a phone call with a friend or grabbing coffee.When our bodies are taxed, our nervous system gets out of whack, and our window begins to narrow.Above the Window: Hyperarousal (Fight or Flight)When we are pushed above our window, we enter a state of hyperarousal. This isn't just feeling a little stressed; it's a state of overwhelm and rigidity. You might experience bursts of rage or feel a desperate need to control outcomes. For most, this state is defined by anxiety.This is your sympathetic nervous system in action—your "fight or flight" zone. Everything feels urgent. In this state, people may engage in behaviors that provide a sense of control, such as disordered eating, substance use, or OCD.Below the Window: Hypoarousal (Freeze and Shutdown)There is also a state below the window, often called hypoarousal or a dorsal vagal state. If hyperarousal is a state of frantic energy, hypoarousal is the opposite. It looks like:* Disconnection and disinterest.* Procrastination and a lack of motivation.* Apathy and caring for nothing.* Massive chronic fatigue and not wanting to get out of bed.While we may label the hyperaroused state as anxiety, we often label this state of shutdown as depression. The speaker offers a powerful metaphor: the possum that feigns death when threatened. To survive, its body automatically shuts down—blood pressure drops, and it appears dead to the predator. This is an adaptive response to threat, and our nervous system has a similar capability.The Threat That Isn't ThereHere is the crucial part: often, people get stuck in these hyper- or hypoaroused states even when there is no immediate, imminent threat. This can be confusing. You might look at your life and think, "Everything is fine, so why do I feel this way?".The answer often lies in "implicit memory"—something from your past that is still living inside your body, keeping your nervous system's threat sensor switched on. Your body believes you are still under threat, even when your conscious mind knows you are safe.Understanding this framework is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of calm. It’s not about pathologizing anxiety or depression, but about understanding the body's natural, adaptive responses to a set of circumstances it perceives as abnormal or threatening. Once you gain awareness of your Window of Tolerance, you can't unsee it. You can begin to recognize when you're leaving your optimal zone and learn to guide yourself back.This is just one of the foundational concepts I teach to help people understand and regulate their nervous system. To learn more and get tools to build your resilience, you can explore The Calm Code.Find out more here: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/thecalmcode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Do you know the feeling? A chest that’s always a little too tight. A mind that races, replaying conversations and planning for threats that haven’t happened yet. Maybe it’s a constant, low hum of anxiety that you’ve carried for so long it feels like part of your personality. Or maybe it’s the opposite: a heavy, foggy exhaustion where nothing brings you pleasure and you feel like you’re "swimming through molasses".If any of this sounds familiar, the first thing to know is this: You are not broken.What you are experiencing is not a character flaw or a personal failing. It’s a survival response. It’s the language of a nervous system that learned, at some point, that it needed to be on high alert to protect you. And there is a powerful explanation for why it does this, one that can change the way you see yourself forever.The Science of Safety: More Than Just Fight or FlightWe often hear about our stress response in simple terms: "fight or flight." But the reality is more nuanced. According to Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is a sophisticated surveillance system that is constantly asking one question: "Am I safe?". It has a hierarchy of responses based on the answer.* When you feel safe: You are in your “green zone,” what’s known as the social engagement system. In this state, you can connect, communicate, and create. Your body can rest and digest. When we are here, our truest Self has room to lead.* When you sense danger: Your body shifts into protection mode. It mobilizes for fight or flight. This is a state of activation, anxiety, and readiness.* When the threat feels inescapable: If fighting or fleeing isn't an option, the system can take a more drastic measure: it shuts down. This is the freeze or flop state. It’s a state of disconnection, apathy, and profound exhaustion—a last-ditch effort to survive by “playing dead”.For twenty years, I lived in a state of high-functioning anxiety. I used to tell people, “I have a go bag ready 24/7,” and what I really meant was, “I’m always ready to rumble”. My body was constantly primed for a threat. My stomach was a mess, I could never get a full breath, and I couldn’t access rest. Eventually, after two decades of running on adrenaline, my body couldn’t sustain it. I crashed, dropping completely into that shutdown, “dorsal vagal” state for years.For Your Daily Dose of Calm...This episode was a deep dive, but the healing journey happens one day at a time. On my Instagram, I post short, powerful Reels to help you put these concepts into practice in your daily life.Join almost 3,000 others who are learning to work with their nervous system, not against it.Find me on Instagram: Stacey Uhrig Your Anxiety Isn't Your Enemy—It's Your ProtectorThis is where the idea of “parts work” comes in. The parts of you that feel anxious, on-guard, or overwhelmed are not trying to ruin your life. They are trying to save it. These parts believe, based on past experiences, that you are still in danger and that they need to be activated to protect you.The problem is that the nervous system can get stuck in the "on" position. It can keep running the same defensive program today that it learned during a past trauma, even if you are no longer in that environment. The body’s job is to react to real or perceived threats, and sometimes, its alarm system is overactive.So, what can we do? We can start by getting curious and listening.I teach my clients a simple framework called HEAL:* H - Hey, I notice you’re here. Acknowledge the sensation. “Hello, anxiety.”* E - Engage. What’s going on? Ask the part what it needs you to know.* A - Acknowledge. I recognize you’re here to help me. Thank the part for its protective role.* L - Listen. When you truly listen to what your body is telling you, you’ll hear the fear beneath the anxiety: “I’m worried about this,” or “What if that happens?”. This is where the dialogue begins.A Practical Tool for Finding CalmSometimes, we need more direct support to help our system regulate. One of the most effective tools I recommend is an app called The Tapping Solution. It uses a modality where you tap on different acupressure points while talking through a specific stressor. This process does two things at once:* It sends calming signals directly to your nervous system through the tapping.* It helps you acknowledge the feeling while reminding yourself that you are safe now, helping to gently update that old programming.It’s a way to give yourself agency, to show yourself that even when you are most dysregulated, you can do something to move back toward a state of calm.You Have a Bucket with Holes in It, But the Bucket Isn't BrokenI have felt broken many times in my life. It feels like having a bucket with a thousand holes in it; no matter how much you try to fill it up, everything just seeps out.But that feeling isn’t the truth. It’s a symptom of a diminished capacity from being stuck in a survival state. When we are in that state, we don’t have as much access to our core Self—the calm, compassionate, confident center of who we are. But that Self is never gone. It’s just been quieted, waiting for the perceived danger to pass.The goal is not to eliminate your protective parts or to shame your body for its reactions. The goal is to gently and compassionately find your way back into a less activated state, so you can once again access the Self that has been there all along.If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by emotion, stuck in old patterns, or anxious for no reason, you’re not alone. The Tapping Solution App offers EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) meditations that help calm your body, shift your mindset, and gently process stored stress and trauma.I highly recommend this app to my clients for use in between our sessions — and now you can access it too.Exclusive Offer: 14-Day Free Trial / 50% OFF Premium ($46.99)Learn more here! Everything we discussed here—the racing heart, the constant readiness, the feeling of being broken—is the language of your nervous system. Understanding that language is the first step. The next is learning how to have a new conversation with your body.If you're ready to stop just managing anxiety and start healing it from within, I’ve created a guided path for you.The Calm Code is my 8-week group coaching program designed to help you do just that. It's an intentionally small group (just 8 members) where we'll meet live for 90 minutes each week to:* Become fluent in the language of your nervous system using Polyvagal Theory and Parts Work.* Apply the HEAL framework to meet your anxious parts with compassion, not fear.* Untangle the roots of your anxiety, so you can reclaim your inherent sense of inner safety and peace.The program includes live coaching, a private community hub, a companion book with exercises, and lifetime access to all recordings.The next cohort begins October 1st. If you want to be part of it and transform your relationship with anxiety, I invite you to join the waitlist for exclusive updates.Learn more and join the waitlist for The Calm Code: https://www.flipyourmindset.com/the-calm-code This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Ever feel like you're living a life based on someone else's script? Like there's a disconnect between who you are and who you feel you should be? If so, you're in for a treat with our latest "Flip Your Mindset" episode featuring the incredible Donna Parker. Donna, a seasoned therapist, life coach, educator, and speaker with over 25 years in the mental health field, is the founder of Evolve Coaching, and she’s dedicated her career to guiding individuals and families toward healing and aligning with their authentic selves.This conversation was a powerful exploration of what truly drives us, and how we can tap into our inner wisdom for a more fulfilling existence.Core Values vs. Core Beliefs: The Essential DistinctionOne of the most eye-opening parts of our chat began with a fundamental question: What's the difference between a core belief and a core value? As I often discuss with my clients, core beliefs are the lens through which we see ourselves, others, and the world around us, profoundly influencing our thoughts.Donna introduced a fascinating perspective on values, moving beyond the simplistic "always be nice, don't be mean" idea. She argues that trying to live a "one-sided polarized life" by constantly seeking happiness can actually be a source of human suffering. We are, in fact, meant to be "two-sided individuals" – capable of both kindness and being "cool" (or, as she later elaborates, acknowledging all aspects of ourselves). True growth, she emphasizes, develops on the border of challenge and support. This really resonated with my long-held belief that there's purpose in all pain and a gift in every challenge.Your Life is Already Showing You Your Highest ValuesSo, how do we uncover these authentic values? Donna beautifully explains that our lives arealready demonstrating them. It's about giving ourselves permission to examine what we "choose to do, love to do, desire to do". Unfortunately, many of us are living by "moral imperatives" based on "shoulds" – beliefs injected into us from childhood by preachers, teachers, and coaches, all to stay safe and gain value.Donna shared some brilliant questions to help us tap into our true values:* Where do you spend the majority of your time? What about that work inspires you?* What conversations leave you feeling more energized?* Where do you feel a "tier of inspiration"?* What organization or activity does no one have to remind you to do?* Where will you spend your money, and what does that represent to you?She beautifully illustrates this with her own life: no one has to remind her to speak, teach, or engage in inspiring conversations. Health and fitness have been a core value since she was a little girl. Conversely, she happily delegates cooking and cleaning because they aren't in alignment with her highest priorities. This allows her to "spend more time in creating content and doing what I love and let individuals that are inspired to do that". Imagine the freedom of saying "yes" to what you love and outsourcing the rest!The Roots of "Shoulds" and the Gift of PainWhere do these "shoulds" come from? Donna points to our "moral imperatives" and the fact that "we are domesticated since in the womb". Our physiology is hardwired for survival, to "seek pleasure, avoid pain". Historically, if we didn't "chameleon and fit in with the herd, we literally died". This survival instinct means we're constantly scanning the environment for threats.This leads to a crucial insight: life is constantly guiding us to align with our authentic selves, and sometimes, "the gift of some of the pain" serves as feedback. As I’ve always said, "life is a series of experiences divinely designed for you". It’s in our greatest challenges, the moments that bring us to our knees, that we find the biggest lessons and build resilience. Donna fully agrees, stating, "Every moment in your life is happening for you, not to you".The Self-Reflective Universe and Quantum PrinciplesDonna's work delves into the "self-reflective universe" and quantum physics principles, particularly the law of reflection and transparency. She explains that when we judge others, or when we are "addicted to being admired and praised and liked," we often attract the very opposite – criticism, dislike, and rejection. This isn't punishment, but rather "homeostatic feedback" from life, constantly prompting us to get in alignment with our authentic selves.She shared a powerful example of a woman who, through this process, became grateful for a challenging relationship she initially labeled as "narcissistic and violent". The woman realized she had been in a "disempowered state," not valuing herself or using her voice. The relationship was mirroring her own disowned parts of self, inviting her to step into her worth. This deep work allowed her to see how what she perceived in him was also a reflection within herself. As Donna passionately says, "nothing is missing". We all have wealth in different forms, whether it's intellectual property, beauty, mindset, or social networks.Beyond "Positive Thinking": Embracing WholenessOur conversation also touched on popular concepts like "The Secret" and Joe Dispenza's work. While acknowledging their value, Donna highlights a crucial missing piece in the "only think positive thoughts" mentality. She bravely shared her own experience of ending up on antidepressants trying to be a "one-sided person".True alignment, she argues, is about embracing both the light and the dark, the positive and the negative. Like Rumi's guest house, we should invite in all emotions – depression, anxiety – and ask, "What are you here to teach me?". Every emotion and even physical symptom holds wisdom to share. When we try to be "all positive," we "literally attract the negative pull to help me get authentic congruent".Living a Life of Design, Not DutyThe biggest obstacle to living in alignment? Our "many personas and so many masks," and the unconscious patterns we've adopted for survival and safety. Pain, she says, often catalyzes movement and change. Anxiety, for example, is an invitation to look at what fears are still ready to be uncovered or integrated, whether rooted in past experiences or future worries.Donna's ultimate message is powerful and liberating: "Give yourself permission to create an inspiring life out of design and not duty". Life provides constant "breadcrumbs" and "feedback" to guide us towards our authentic selves. The more we resist, the more things persist, so instead, "it's just an invitation to dance with what life is bringing us versus the masses take a stance".When we resist, anxiety builds. But when we can "dance" and "allow life to happen in an ordinary way," we embrace the "for us" piece of every experience.Connect with Donna Parker:If Donna's message resonates with you, I highly encourage you to explore her work!* Facebook: Donna Andrews Parker* Instagram: global.coach.dparker* LinkedIn: Donna Andrews ParkerLet's continue to "Flip Our Mindsets" and design lives that truly reflect our most authentic, inspired selves. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

In our latest podcast episode, we ventured into a profound conversation that bridges the clinical with the spiritual, the personal with the universal. Joined by the insightful Jesseca Banchy, a former ICU nurse turned holistic healer, we explored the complex landscape of trauma, our innate capacity for joy, and the transformative power of self-awareness.Jesseca Banchy, drawing from her unique perspective of witnessing trauma in both a clinical setting and through her own personal lens, offered a definition of trauma that transcends simple categorization. As she explains, trauma is not a singular event but a deeply personal and complex experience, different for every individual. It isn't always about physical violation or words of hatred; we are all sensitive souls, and the path to overcoming trauma is a journey of self-transformation.Key Insights from Our Conversation:* The Roots of Trauma: Jesseca Banchy explained that trauma can be deep-rooted, going back to our earliest experiences as infants and how we received, or were able to receive, love. This early sense of attachment, safety, and security is fundamental to our survival, as we are born reliant on others to meet our basic needs.* Survival vs. Joy: A fascinating point of discussion was the function of our bodies and minds. While our brains are fundamentally designed for survival, not necessarily happiness or joy, Jesseca believes we are also programmed for joy. Many animals, despite their survival instincts, are joyous creatures. The human experience is unique in that our complex psychology can sometimes get in the way of life's true essence.* Vibrational Alignment and Experience: Jesseca introduced the concept that our life experiences are often what we are vibrationally aligned with. While it can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially when faced with negative events, the idea is that what we feel emotionally inside can attract experiences that match that same vibration.* The Weight of Ancestral Trauma: We carry more than just our own lived experiences. Jesseca noted that if we can physically resemble our ancestors, it's possible we also transfer their pain and joy. The host added that from an epigenetic standpoint, we can carry experiences from up to seven generations back in and around our bodies.* The Problem with Modern Society: We are living in the most comfortable generation in history, yet we are also the most miserable. Jesseca suggests this is rooted in unresolved ancestral trauma and a societal disconnect from our true selves, fueled by materialism and a gluttonous, yet unfulfilling, lifestyle.* Personal Responsibility and Healing: A core theme was the power of taking responsibility for our own feelings and lives. Healing involves reclaiming that power, understanding what we will tolerate based on what we think we deserve, and making a conscious decision about what we want in life. It's a journey of self-transformation and connecting with a higher power.Jesseca Banchy has channeled her experiences, including walking through the pain of infidelity, into creating resources to help others. Her "uncheated code" is an automated, eight-week course specifically for women who have been cheated on, providing a simplified way to get results and overcome the debilitating pain of betrayal.Ultimately, the conversation was a powerful reminder that life is more beautiful than we often realize. Despite the hardships, there is immense joy and beauty to be found by enjoying the experience of being alive and connecting with ourselves and each other on a deeper level.To learn more about Jesseca Banchy's work, including life coaching, nutrition consultation, and flexibility training, you can visit her website at magneticsolehealing.org This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

The Invisible Scar: Unpacking Betrayal Trauma with Mr. JayWelcome to a new deep dive from Flip Your Mindset, where we don't shy away from the tough conversations that truly impact our lives. In our latest episode, I had the privilege of sitting down with Mr. Jay, a certified betrayal trauma practitioner and intra-personal relationship coach, whose insights into the silent suffering of betrayal trauma are nothing short of profound.You might think you understand "trauma," but betrayal trauma, as Mr. Jay explains, is a beast of a different color. It's not just what happens to you; it’s about who it happens at the hands of – someone you implicitly trusted.The Bridge That Collapses Beneath YouMr. Jay paints a powerful analogy: Imagine walking across a thin bridge, a mile above blazing fires and volcanoes, with your most precious loved ones in your arms. The smoke blinds you, and you instinctively reach for the hand of the person you trust more than yourself to lead the way. Then, without warning, the bridge collapses, and you realize the person you trusted most was holding the hammer. That, he says, is the feeling of betrayal trauma. Your mind is hijacked, you’re in primal panic, and you die emotionally, mentally, though not physically.This isn't just about spousal infidelity, though that's a common example. Betrayal trauma can come from a parent, a child, a boss, or even institutions like the medical or legal fields where you place your reliance and trust. It's a feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, and disempowerment that ravages your mind, body, and soul.The Secret Society of SufferingOne of the most isolating aspects of betrayal trauma, as Mr. Jay highlighted, is that it’s often a "secret society". Unlike other traumas where you might receive public support or bereavement leave, there's no "broken heart time off" when you discover infidelity. The shame and embarrassment mean many suffer in silence, feeling utterly alone.What's more, while other traumas affect the present and future, betrayal trauma uniquely "also affects the past". Your photo albums, familiar streets, and restaurants are tainted, robbing you of cherished memories. And it's deeply personalizing – leading to the painful question, "Why wasn't I good enough?".Betrayal Blindness: Our Brain's Double-Edged SwordWe often ask ourselves, "How could I have been so blind? I'm smart!". Mr. Jay explains the concept of:betrayal blindness, a term coined by Jennifer Freed. It's a part of our fight, flight, freeze nervous system, serving as our body's way of protecting us in the moment. Like Little Red Riding Hood ignoring her gut feeling to see her grandmother , we ignore red flags because the reality is too painful to accept. This temporary safety mechanism ultimately becomes our "worst enemy" , leading to self-disconnection and a more complex healing journey.The Wounds of the Betrayer: A Difficult TruthPerhaps one of the most challenging truths we discussed is this:"People with wounds are the ones that have affairs." Mr. Jay firmly states, "I've never worked with somebody that had an affair that was happy, healthy, and healed". This doesn't excuse the behavior – absolutely not. But it offers a crucial perspective that hurt often begets hurt. Often, betrayers are seeking to "numb, distract, avoid, cope" or simply to "feel seen" and "feel alive" , grappling with their own unhealed wounds.The Path Forward: From Venom to Wise TrustHealing from betrayal trauma is not about quick decisions. It's a journey that requires building a strong support system, conducting a needs assessment, and developing a "10, 10, 10 plan" for your future.A critical step is understanding and setting boundaries. Mr. Jay suggests starting by identifying your core values and inverting them into boundaries. Boundaries aren't about controlling others; they're about holding ourselves accountable. This process builds self-worth, self-image, and self-love, which are essential for making healthy decisions.Perhaps the most empowering takeaway is this: you must take 100% responsibility for who you are and how you show up in relationships, but take zero responsibility for someone else's choice to betray you. They had other options.As Mr. Jay wisely puts it, "Nobody has ever died from a snake bite. What people die from is when the venom gets into their veins and gets to their heart". The work of healing is to prevent that venom from permeating your entire being.Our brains are malleable and can heal. While we may not "completely heal" in the sense of erasing the experience, we learn to "manage trauma". The blessing lies in developing "wise trust" instead of blind trust and experiencing post-traumatic growth – becoming stronger, more realigned, and more purposeful than before the trauma.Connect with Mr. Jay for more resources and support: mrjayrelationshipcoach.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

On the latest episode of "Flip Your Mindset," I had the immense pleasure of sitting down with Susan Shofer, a powerhouse of knowledge and experience in a field that is, unfortunately, all too necessary: high-conflict divorce and parental alienation. This isn't just another conversation about divorce; this is a deep dive into the strategic, emotional, and often traumatic landscape that many, particularly women, are forced to navigate.As many of you know, I hold a special place for women going through high-conflict divorces. It's a process that doesn't just bring up the current abuse and control, but also pours salt into old wounds, leaving clients emotionally distraught and dysregulated. That’s why I wanted to bring Susan on. Her unique background as a licensed private investigator turned divorce coach gives her an unparalleled edge in understanding the logistics and strategies needed to weather this storm.Susan and I often collaborate on client cases, and as she puts it, it’s a partnership that helps clients navigate both the "clear edges" and the "messy middle" of their journey.What Exactly is a Divorce Coach?Many people aren’t familiar with the term, so I asked Susan to break it down. A divorce coach is more than just a life coach; they are trained professionals who understand the multifaceted nature of divorce. Susan, for instance, attended the CDC Coaching Academy for an intensive four-month program.A good divorce coach helps with:* Financial guidance, connecting you with experts like certified divorce financial advisors.* Emotional regulation during a time of fear and upset.* Ensuring your safety, especially if domestic violence is a factor.* Strategizing your behavior throughout the process, because as Susan notes, "a lot of our behaviors because we're triggered to respond, sitting back and think a little bit before we jump into it."Critically, Susan believes the first step in a divorce shouldn't be hiring a lawyer, but a divorce coach. Why? To build a strategy first. As she says, "I always recommend people do this very early in the game." Too often, clients come to her months into the process, feeling lost and with legal representation that isn't a good fit for their situation. It’s about creating a level playing field from the start.The Stark Difference Between Divorce and High-Conflict DivorceSusan laid out the landscape of divorce with striking clarity. About 85% of divorces are what she calls "normal." These are couples who grew apart and, while there might be some animosity, they make a concerted effort to be equitable and not involve the children.The other 15%? That's the high-conflict space. These aren't just difficult divorces; they are often battles against individuals who may have personality disorders like narcissism or psychopathy. Susan has a fascinating exercise for her clients: "ask yourself, what did you see? What was the red flag you saw before you got married?" Invariably, the signs were there. As she bluntly puts it, if you were married to a high-conflict person, "what do you think they're going to be when you go to get divorced, they're going to ramp it up."Unpacking Parental AlienationThis is where the conversation took an intense, but crucial, turn. Parental alienation is a term that gets thrown around, sometimes even weaponized, so I wanted Susan to define it from her expert perspective.Parental alienation, in its simplest form, is when one parent turns a child against the other parent. But the reality is far more insidious. It's a "behind the scenes indoctrination of changing the child's view of that targeted parent." The core of it, Susan explains, is fear. A child rejects a parent because they have been made to fear them.Susan powerfully distinguishes between estrangement and alienation:* Estrangement is when a child doesn't want to be with a parent for a valid reason.* Alienation is when a child has been indoctrinated to reject a parent.How can you tell the difference? The language. An alienated child often parrots phrases and concepts that are not their own. As Susan says, "when a six year old says I don't want to go to dad's house because his girlfriend's a w***e... Where does the six year old hear it?" These children can be verbose and show a startling lack of guilt about their rejection of the targeted parent. In contrast, a child who has been genuinely abused will often hide the abuse and still express love for both parents, despite the pain.This process is devastating, not just for the targeted parent, but for the child. Susan has collected stories from 327 adults who were alienated as children, and a common thread is the immense guilt they carry. One of the most heartbreaking questions she asks them is, "which parent were you really afraid of?" The answer is "hands down 100% the alienate[ing parent]."These children are not just manipulated; they are used as pawns. As one adult survivor told Susan, "they don't care about you. You're just something they use. And then they abandoned."What Can You Do?If any of this resonates with you, the overwhelming message from Susan is this: you cannot do this alone. It is a "fool's journey to think that they can do that on their own without strategic and logistical support."The key is documentation and early intervention. If you see the signs, particularly when your children are young, it's crucial to act. The older the children get, the more the courts tend to listen to their wishes, even if those wishes are the result of manipulation.This was such an important conversation, and I’m so grateful to Susan for sharing her expertise. Her unique blend of investigative skill, strategic coaching, and deep understanding of parental alienation is a rare and invaluable resource.If you are facing a high-conflict divorce or suspect parental alienation, please know there is support available. You can find Susan Shofer on her website at susanshofer.com and on Instagram at @SusanShofer. She works with clients all over the world and can provide the tools, knowledge, and expertise you need to navigate this battle. As I said during our chat, going into this battle with someone who has been through it hundreds of times is simply the right thing to do. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Of all the topics we’ve explored over the years on the podcast, there's one we’ve never truly dissected, yet it silently dictates so much of our lives: money. It’s a subject often shrouded in shame and secrecy, but its influence is everywhere, in our relationships, our careers, and our sense of well-being.What if I told you that your financial habits, whether you’re a meticulous saver, an anxious spender, or someone who avoids looking at their bank account altogether might not be entirely your own?In a fascinating conversation with licensed professional counselor Marshaya Rountree, we uncovered just how deeply our financial behaviors are shaped by the generations that came before us. The research is staggering, suggesting we carry the emotional and psychological imprint of up to seven generations. Think about that. We are not that far removed from epic historical traumas that fundamentally influenced our family's access to and relationship with money.The Invisible Inheritance: From Historical Trauma to Your WalletFor many, especially within the BIPOC community, this isn't just abstract history. Marshaya pointed to the intentional systems, like chattel slavery, that were designed to prevent entire communities from building wealth. When a person's very existence was monetized for someone else's gain, it creates a profound and complicated dichotomy when it comes to now owning and managing money. There were no healing spaces to process this trauma, forcing survival modes that have been passed down through generations.But this echo of trauma isn’t limited to one community. I found myself reflecting on my own great-grandmother, born in the 1890s. She witnessed the invention of electricity in the home, two world wars, and the dawn of the automobile. She lived off the land and chilled food in a creek. The way she and my great-grandparents viewed money, born from a world of necessity and survival, undoubtedly shaped my grandparents. Even if it was never spoken about, my parents marinated in that mindset, which in turn influenced how I was raised. And that's only three generations back.Are You in a Toxic Relationship with Money? Your Financial Attachment StyleMarshaya introduced a groundbreaking concept: we develop attachment styles to money just as we do in our relationships. Where do you see yourself?* Secure Attachment: You have a budget and feel confident in it. You know where your money is going, you plan for rainy days, and while you’re not obsessive, you feel in control.* Insecure-Avoidant Attachment: You’d rather do anything than look at your bank statements or credit card bills. The very thought of it creates anxiety, so you just want the bills paid without knowing the details.* Insecure-Anxious Attachment: This is the hyper-vigilant checker. You check your bank account daily, maybe even after every transaction. Despite having a budget, you never feel truly secure that it’s working. This often stems from past financial hardships.* Insecure-Disorganized Attachment: A chaotic mix of the above, where you might feel like you have a handle on things, but a closer look reveals disarray.These styles are often forged in the crucible of our childhood. Did you witness money being weaponized in your home? Perhaps one parent controlled all the finances, leaving the other in a state of financial abuse. A child growing up in that environment might develop an anxious attachment, vowing to never be trapped in that way, yet finding themselves unable to trust a partner with merged finances.The Lie That Money Isn't EmotionalOne of the biggest fallacies is that money is purely logical. I can tell you from personal experience, it is profoundly emotional.Years ago, the business I co-owned with my family collapsed in the wake of the Lehman Brothers crash. We were financially decimated. I remember being curled up on my kitchen floor, my nervous system so wrecked with the visceral threat of not being able to pay my mortgage or buy food that I could barely breathe.In that moment of devastation, two things became crystal clear. First, I had given this thing—money—an immense amount of power over my ability to feel safe and secure. My joy and happiness had become conditional on having "enough". Second, I recognized that money is just a piece of paper. It's a piece of paper run through a printing press that we assign value to. That day, my relationship with money changed forever. I refused to let it hold my joy captive for the years it would take to recover.How to Start Healing Your Financial TraumaSo how do we begin to untangle these deep-seated beliefs and start healing? Marshaya offered a clear path forward:* Start with Radical Honesty: Come to the table with honesty about your financial situation, without the heavy cloak of self-judgment. Acknowledge what you know and what you don't.* Cultivate Awareness: This is the stepping stone for all healing. Get curious. Trace the thread of your beliefs. Ask yourself: Where did this story come from? You’ll likely find the roots in your childhood, in conversations you overheard, or behaviors you witnessed. This isn't about blame; it's about understanding that your mind is responding to past circumstances. You are not broken.* Practice Self-Forgiveness: This was a tough one for me, but it's crucial. Forgive yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive. Those survival mechanisms, like operating from a scarcity mindset, were passed down because they helped your ancestors get through unimaginable hardship.We must also challenge the core beliefs—the "lies"—we tell ourselves: "I'll never recover from this mistake," or "I'm just bad with money". These are just filters we see the world through, and they can be changed.Healing your relationship with money is about more than just building wealth. It’s about reclaiming your sense of safety, your joy, and your power. It’s about understanding that you don't have to stay in a space of scarcity to survive. By doing this work, you can create a new legacy of wellness and empowerment for the generations to come.Learn more about Marshaya’s work: https://www.givinggracecounseling.comFollow her on IG 👉 @GivingGraceCounseling This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

Hi everyone, it's Stacey Uhrig. I'm thrilled to share the final installment of my Flip Your Mindset podcast series featuring the incredible Kimberly Weeks. In this deeply personal episode, Kimberly and I dive into the complex issue of narcissistic abuse and coercive control, exploring how these toxic dynamics extend far beyond intimate relationships.Throughout my conversations with Kimberly, a Certified Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach and my mentor, I have learned so much about the origins of narcissistic behaviors and how they deeply affect our lives from childhood through adulthood. Kimberly beautifully breaks down the roles commonly seen in narcissistic family systems, like the "golden child," the "scapegoat," and the "lost child." These roles, often assigned unconsciously by parents, profoundly shape our self-worth and coping strategies.Spotting Toxicity at WorkKimberly and I also discussed how these family dynamics can spill over into our workplaces. I’ve personally seen how toxic work environments can echo childhood patterns, contributing to burnout and emotional exhaustion. It's essential to recognize these signs early and start setting firm boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it’s challenging, but it’s so worth it.Healing and TransformationOne of the most impactful lessons from my conversations with Kimberly has been recognizing the coping mechanisms we develop to survive. These adaptations were once necessary for our protection, but left unchecked, they can limit our growth and happiness. Kimberly has an incredible structured, seven-phase recovery program called Stand Firm, guiding individuals from initially recognizing their trauma ("triage") to achieving true personal healing and transformation.Finding Strength in CommunityBoth Kimberly and I deeply believe in the power of community support for healing. Her Stand Firm program provides weekly coaching sessions in a judgment-free space, allowing participants to connect with peers who genuinely understand their struggles. I cannot emphasize enough how valuable and healing this community has been for those involved.Meet Kimberly WeeksKimberly Weeks is more than just a recovery coach; she's someone who genuinely cares and has personally navigated this challenging journey. Her extensive experience and compassion have already helped countless individuals reclaim their lives.🔗 Learn more about Kimberly’s Stand Firm Program🔗 Join Kimberly’s groundbreaking case study📲 Connect with Kimberly for daily support and inspiration on Instagram: @iamkimberlyweeks🎧 Catch the full Flip Your Mindset podcast series on narcissistic abuse and coercive controlRemember, you don't have to walk this path alone. Healing is not just possible—it's within your reach. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

When we think of abuse, our minds often go straight to physical violence. Bruises, threats, raised voices, broken things. But some of the deepest, most enduring wounds are invisible. They don’t leave scars on the skin. They live in the nervous system. They warp your perception of reality. They bury your voice.This is coercive control.And it is central to narcissistic abuse.In this episode, I sit down once again with Kimberly Weeks, known for her expertise and advocacy in narcissistic abuse recovery, to talk about a form of abuse that is difficult to see, even harder to prove, and almost impossible to explain unless you’ve lived it.Coercive control is not just manipulation. It’s a full psychological campaign. A dismantling of a person’s ability to think, feel, or choose freely. It often starts with seemingly small things — isolation from friends, monitoring phone use, constant criticism — and escalates into a complete takeover of a person’s agency.And most of the time, no one sees it happening.Together, Kimberly and I unpack the definition, patterns, and lived impact of coercive control. We talk about how survivors often feel like they’ve been placed under a spell, and why breaking free isn’t as simple as just walking away. It takes clarity, support, and a complete rebuilding of the self.We explore how coercive control functions through fear, obligation, guilt, and shame. And we highlight the real-world example of the Diddy and Cassie case, not as tabloid fodder, but as a public illustration of dynamics that happen every day behind closed doors — in relationships that may look glamorous from the outside.In this episode, we also touch on:* How psychological control mirrors cult dynamics and war-time tactics* The role of humiliation, surveillance, and forced compliance in abusive systems* What happens when a survivor begins to question whether they are the problem* The devastating aftermath of leaving, and the fog that begins to lift once safety is restoredKimberly doesn’t shy away from naming the tactics — from love bombing and dog-whistling to coercion masked as fantasy. She explains how someone’s survival instincts can become entangled with their abuser, leading to silence, complicity, and deep self-blame. We also explore how survivors often carry the shame of having “gone along with it,” even when their choices were made under extreme psychological pressure.This isn’t an easy conversation. It’s heavy. It’s complex. It’s personal for so many.But it’s also necessary.Because without naming these patterns, we can’t heal from them.And for every person who has wondered, Was it really abuse if I said yes? or Why didn’t I just leave?, this episode offers validation, insight, and understanding.We know these stories are hard to hear, especially if they mirror your own. We share them with care, grounded in compassion, because the truth deserves space.And survivors deserve to be believed, even when there are no bruises.🌀 Watch the full series on narcissistic abuse here:https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlA0WyYyh_UOSsC2UBmsgypwCXs6-TSs8📲 Connect with Kimberly Weeks on Instagram:@iamkimberlyweeks🌐 Website: https://www.thenarcissisticabusecoach.com🧠 Ready to heal, grow, and connect? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

When Kimberly and I wrapped Episode 3, we thought that was it. We had laid the foundation: what narcissistic abuse looks like, why it’s so hard to leave, and the trauma that keeps survivors stuck in cycles of confusion and guilt. We closed the conversation… and then we looked at each other and said, “It’s not over.”Because the truth is, it never ends at awareness. It doesn't even end at leaving. For many survivors, that’s when the real war begins.This is Episode 4 in our ongoing series on narcissistic abuse. If you haven’t yet, please catch up on the previous episodes—each one builds upon the next:📺 Watch the full playlist on YouTubeIn this episode, Kimberly Weeks (@thenarcissisticabusecoach) and I open up a raw, often silenced chapter: what happens when you go through the family court system with a narcissistic partner.We’re not sugarcoating it. This is a trigger warning if you’re deep in this process. We talk honestly about:What You’re Really Up AgainstLeaving a narcissist isn’t just about packing a bag or signing papers. It’s about disrupting the perfect image they’ve spent years curating. Whether you leave or they file first—it doesn't matter. The moment the separation becomes public, their mask begins to crack, and they will do whatever it takes to preserve it. That’s what narcissistic injury looks like.What many survivors don’t realize is how the legal system becomes another stage for performance. A courtroom becomes a tool of manipulation. The narcissist uses it to flip the narrative: they become the victim, and you—the one who has endured the abuse—are painted as unstable, emotional, unfit, irrational.Why the Court Doesn’t Care About “Justice”We go into these courtrooms expecting fairness. We think someone will finally see the truth. But family court isn’t criminal court. It’s not built to acknowledge coercive control or emotional abuse. It’s built to divide assets and assign parenting time.And that hurts. Especially when you know you’ve endured harm that can’t be seen on paper. You might think, “Finally, someone will understand what I’ve been through.” But the court doesn’t operate in truth—it operates in evidence. Cold facts. And when the harm has been invisible or expertly hidden, survivors are often left retraumatized by the very system they hoped would bring healing.How the Narcissist Plays the Long GameKimberly and I talk about how narcissists use every opportunity—from mediation to court hearings—to provoke you. Because if you lose your composure, they win. If you stay calm, they unravel.They charm the mediator. They manipulate the therapist. They use your children as leverage. They often become the model parent—posting photos, volunteering at school, showing up to events they never cared about—just to create confusion in the eyes of the court and the community. Meanwhile, you feel like you’re losing your mind.This is not an accident. It’s part of the playbook. And unless you know the rules of this game, you will be blindsided.What You Need to Hold OntoWe recorded this episode not to scare you—but to prepare you.You need one person to say, “I believe you.”You need to learn how to speak in facts, not feelings.You need to show up in court grounded in your truth, even when you’re shaking inside.And more than anything, you need to grieve the fact that this may not end the way you hoped. You may not get justice. You may not get validation. But you can still get your life back.You Are Not AloneKimberly and I hold space for this every day. And we’re not going to stop talking about it.Because when you’re going through the fire, having someone next to you who understands why it’s burning and how to walk through it makes all the difference.🛠 Learn more about Kimberly’s work at thenarcissisticabusecoach.com📺 Catch up on past episodes: Full YouTube PlaylistMore episodes are coming. More stories will be told. Until then, keep going. You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re waking up.🔒 Unlock the Full Flip Your Mindset ExperienceWant to go deeper in your healing journey?Join our paid community and get exclusive access to tools and support designed to help you reclaim your story and transform your life.Here’s what you’ll get when you upgrade:✅ Weekly Flip Your Mindset podcast episodes✅ 2 Monthly LIVE Q+A Sessions with Stacey Uhrig on trauma, burnout, narcissistic abuse & recovery✅ Access to premium mental health resources (worksheets, guides, ebooks & more)It’s not just content—it’s a healing container.🧠 Ready to heal, grow, and connect? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe

We often think of trauma as a mental experience. Something that happened in the past. Something you can "talk through" or "understand" with enough therapy, journaling, or willpower.But what if your body remembers in ways your mind can't explain?What if the tension in your hips, the inflammation in your gut, or the tightness in your chest is your body telling the truth your mind has long tried to forget?In this episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sit down with Grant Clark—movement coach, trauma survivor, and founder of Hidden Warrior—to explore a perspective that many miss: the wisdom of the body and its role in deep emotional healing.Grant doesn’t just teach movement. He teaches remembrance.He teaches reconnection.He teaches how to feel safe enough to return to your own body.Because healing isn’t about fixing what’s broken. It’s about reintroducing yourself to parts of you that had to shut down just to survive.Here’s what we unpack in this powerful conversation:* The overlooked connection between chronic pain and unprocessed trauma* Why the hips are often a storage vault for unspoken grief, shame, and rage* How movement practices like Qigong and breathwork help discharge what words never could* The difference between coping and healing* And what it really means to live from a place of embodied safetyThis is more than an interview. It’s a reminder.That you don’t have to carry it all in silence.That healing is possible, even if you’ve tried everything.That your body has not given up on you—it’s just waiting for you to come home.If you’ve ever felt like you’re “doing all the work” but still feel stuck… this conversation will meet you where you are.🌀 Watch the full episode here🌐 Learn more about Grant’s work at Hidden WarriorWe end the episode with a moment of stillness—and I invite you to do the same after listening. Let your body speak. Let it breathe. Let it guide you.You’re not broken. You’re healing. And you’re not alone.With love,Stacey This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe