Doing Marriage Well

This episode challenges the idea that love must be earned or exchanged. Paul explores how perfectionism and a "quid pro quo" mindset damage marriage and contrasts that with a mature, grace-filled love that does not keep score. Listeners are invited to examine whether they try to earn their spouse's love or expect their spouse to earn theirs and to practise seasons of giving and receiving grace instead of transactional expectations.

This episode examines how perfectionism—often rooted in childhood expectations—damages marriages and family life, from hidden family shame to constant criticism and withholding affection. Paul offers practical guidance: identify which standards matter, negotiate give-and-take with your spouse, learn when standards are unreasonable, and consider outside help when you can’t agree. A memorable slipcover story illustrates how letting go can heal relationships.

Perfectionism can stop us from trying; this episode argues that it's better to attempt marriage imperfectly than not to try at all. Using G.K. Chesterton's insight, the host explains why honest effort, forgiveness, and gratitude matter more than flawless performance. Drawing on personal experience from a 41-year marriage, the host shows how accepting mistakes, thanking sincere attempts, and encouraging one another sustain love and growth over time.

Paul explores how married couples can responsibly manage sexual desire when a spouse is separated, ill, or otherwise unable to be intimate, recommending communication, compassion, solo release, and practical options like phone sex or toys. He urges planning ahead, choosing grace over legalism, and asks listeners to pray for Lori, who is struggling with chronic discomfort and awaits a specialist appointment.

In this episode, Paul discusses the responsibilities of adulthood within marriage — stepping up when your spouse can’t, carrying extra loads without complaint, and offering sacrificial love. He emphasises honest communication, self-care during seasons of weakness, and the importance of reassurance rather than guilt. Paul also warns against chronic exploitation of one partner’s sacrifice and suggests seeking help if needed, while reminding listeners that difficult seasons can strengthen marriages when guided by faith.

This episode examines common ways couples fail to 'adult' in marriage: avoiding difficult conversations, playing the blame game, refusing accountability, throwing tantrums, and using hobbies or work to avoid connection. Practical guidance is offered: address issues promptly, call out harmful behaviours, focus on increasing connection rather than limiting activities, seek help when needed, and practise grace while expecting adult responsibility in the relationship. 

This episode explores how "adulting" can require painful but necessary choices to protect your spouse, children, and marriage, illustrated by a true story of a couple facing mental illness and recovery. Practical advice covers recognising mental-health needs, confronting addictions, setting boundaries, using interventions and recovery groups, and taking medical or legal steps when required. The episode encourages seeking help, supporting loved ones, and acting responsibly for the good of the household. Celebrate Recovery

This episode explores what it means to "adult" in marriage: doing necessary tasks, sharing responsibility, and avoiding unrealistic expectations of perfection. Paul emphasises balance, grace, and teamwork—letting roles shift when life gets hard, helping each other when one partner is overwhelmed, and accepting occasional days where you simply can’t adult.

Doing marriage well (Sept 5, 2026): This episode examines the high cost of betrayal and the path to healing and accountability after infidelity, including porn and emotional affairs. It covers owning the choice to sin, ending contact with the other person, giving your spouse the information they need, the slow work of rebuilding trust and sex, and when to seek help. Includes an example of grace where confession, apology, and sacrificial love helped restore a marriage. Making zucchini brownies  Both the best and the healthiest brownies you will ever eat! Zucchini Brownies  INGREDIENTS • ½ cup oil (olive works well) • 1½ cups granulated sugar • 1 TBS vanilla extract • ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder • 1½ tsp baking soda • 1 tsp salt • 2 cups all-purpose flour • 3 cups finely shredded zucchini (with liquid) • 1¼ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided DIRECTIONS • Preheat oven to 350°F • Line 9x13 pan with parament paper. • Mix oil, sugar, and vanilla together in a large bowl with a wood spoon or rubber scrapper. • Add cocoa, baking soda, and salt and mix to combine. • Stir in flour. Batter will be very dry. • Stir in zucchini and allow to rest for 5 minutes so the dry ingredients pull moisture from the zucchini. If it's still dry after 5 minutes, go a bit longer. • Stir in ¾ cup of the chocolate chips. • Spread into the pan, top with remaining chocolate chips, and bake for 25-35 minutes. A toothpick should come out dry. • Cool before cutting.  

This episode explains how to apologise effectively in relationships: why timing matters, how to take ownership without defensiveness, and why acknowledging impact and offering tangible repair are essential. It highlights common apology mistakes — delaying, over-explaining, minimising feelings, or tacking on grievances — and encourages short, sincere apologies focused on healing and restoration.

Episode from Doing Marriage Well (Sept 3, 2026): This episode explores how shared history can either repair or damage relationships. It advises intentionally recalling positive memories, journaling happy moments, and using those memories to shift perspective and rebuild connection. It also discusses how past hurts can be magnified when we’re hurting now, and encourages examining patterns, learning from previous breakups, and asking whether you are the common denominator. The episode closes by urging listeners to bathe their reflections in prayer and consider whether restoring the relationship is worth effort and change.

This episode examines 1 Corinthians 13 and applies its principles—patience, kindness, restraint, hope, and endurance—to situations where one partner is the main source of problems. It stresses that love does not mean accepting abuse, encourages patience and kindness while waiting for change, and advises seeking help or leaving when patterns are harmful or unchanging.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (Sept 1, 2026), Paul outlines six ways we sabotage our relationships—selfishness, pettiness, pride, refusing the cost of doing what's right, demanding what we think we deserve, and making harmful assumptions. He offers practical questions, Scripture (1 Corinthians 13:4-7), and a faith-based call to own your part, apologise, and seek God’s help to rebuild connection and trust.

Paul explores how pride, fear, and immaturity make adults magnify small slights and wreck marriages, friendships, and church relationships. Drawing on Philippians 4:2–3 and pastoral experience, he urges listeners to recognise their part, choose humility, and work toward reconciliation.

This episode defines arousal non-concordance — when the body and brain are out of sync — and gives everyday examples (morning erections, body arousal without mental desire) that can occur for men and women. It explains how mismatched signals between partners can lead to confusion, hurt, or unwanted sex, and clarifies that physical signs like erections or wetness don’t mean mental desire. Practical advice includes talking openly about arousal, asking and saying when you’re aroused, using lube and going slow when the body is there but the mind isn’t, and respecting each partner’s choice while practising generosity.

This episode explores why many men understate or suppress their sexual desire—due to comparison, societal messages, or guilt—and how that withholding damages intimacy and satisfaction in marriage. Paul reviews research on mismatched drives and common coping strategies that fall short, and urges couples (and especially the lower-drive partner) to acknowledge the problem and practice generosity to rebuild connection.

This episode explores the vital but hard-to-measure emotional needs spouses have—appreciation, trust, emotional and intellectual connection, shared life, physical presence, and sincere apologies. Paul invites listeners to reflect on which needs feel lacking in their marriage and to consider giving and asking for these things more intentionally.

In this Doing Marriage Well episode (August 26, 2026), Paul examines the five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch—and how they reveal what spouses truly need. Using personal examples, he explains how needs can change over time, warns against manipulation, and urges listeners to intentionally give their partner what feeds them so their marriage can thrive.

In this episode Paul explains why we often misjudge our marriage needs — how stress, fatigue, guilt, upbringing, and comparison can hide or amplify what we require from our spouse. He emphasises that different needs are valid, that circumstances can temporarily raise needs, and that offering more than the minimum is a generous, protective way to care for one another.

In this episode (Doing Marriage Well — August 24, 2026), Paul uses physical dehydration as a metaphor for emotional dryness in marriage. He explains how our bodies — and our relationships — can stop signaling needs as we age, and why early passion can mask declining attention to what truly sustains connection. Paul invites listeners to examine whether they or their spouse have lost the “thirst” for what they need—more touch, conversation, or care—and encourages intentional replenishment so marriage doesn’t run on empty. Practical water-intake guidance and a link to more resources are noted in the show notes. A note on water intake: Healthy men living in normal circumstances need 15.5 cups (3.7 litres) of fluid a day. For women it’s 11.5 cups (2.7 litres). Normally about 20% of this intake comes from food, leaving a daily beverage goal of roughly 13 cups (3 L) for men and 9 cups (2.1 L) for women. For more, see Water: How much should you drink every day?  

Paul explores how sexual experiences and preferences formed before marriage can create frustration and mismatch in the bedroom, and why calm, honest conversations matter. He offers practical advice: husbands should prioritise their wife’s pleasure, wives should be bold about their needs, try new things together, and seek help when needed (see Marriage Bed Forms in the show notes). If you want help with your sex life, consider The Marriage Bed Forum

This episode explains how creating a shared vision strengthens marriage by turning individual preferences into a united purpose. It shows how to focus on common goals (like raising children who are responsible), distinguish strong desires from weak preferences, and negotiate realistic plans through compromise, backup options, or a better third way. Practical advice includes seeking experienced advice, trying one approach while keeping others in reserve, and praying together as you plan a path from where you are to where you want to be.

This episode explores how differences in convictions—ranging from sports and politics to conspiracy theories and faith—can strain a marriage. It offers practical steps: agree not to argue about volatile topics, respect your spouse’s boundaries, pray and seek outside influence, and prioritize safety and mutual decency. The program references 1 Corinthians 7 (staying with an unwilling spouse if they are willing and it’s safe) and emphasises offering grace, avoiding attempts to force change, and protecting your relationship when core beliefs collide.

This episode explains how to keep your own low moods from dragging your spouse down while staying honest about how you feel. Learn practical steps: avoid ruminating, clarify expectations (for example, "I'm sorry I'm down; I don't expect you to fix it"), and be aware of how past experiences can shape responses. If you’re frequently grumpy, identify triggers and choose kinder actions even when you feel bad — don’t reserve your worst behaviour for home.

This episode explores how spouses' moods affect each other and why it’s important not to let your partner’s bad mood become yours. Paul explains that marriage blends two lives, so feelings transfer both ways. He offers practical counsel: care and listen, offer help, but remain emotionally steady—stay at the top of the pit to help pull your spouse out. If they aren’t ready, continue to encourage them without taking on guilt for being okay. Staying out of the pit is a way to do marriage well.

In this episode Paul explains what it means—and what it does not mean—to be sexually available to your spouse. Sexual availability is about the ability to connect and share your sexual self, not about always saying yes or sacrificing your needs. He covers prerequisites such as being in touch with your own sexuality, the importance of willingness and empathy, practical daily check-ins about sexual feelings, and recognising signs when your spouse needs intimacy. If you're out of touch, he recommends getting help and practising to rebuild availability. Paul also discusses how a partner may initially "flood" after a period of unavailability and urges patience as the relationship normalises, noting the close parallel between sexual and emotional availability.

Paul examines why emotional and sexual connection often feel limited or missing in marriage, noting the cause is rarely simply indifference. He outlines common reasons—lack of awareness, harmful teaching, past abuse or fear, feeling incapable, retaliatory withholding, overwhelming busyness, and underlying selfishness. Listeners are urged to honestly identify which factors affect them or their spouse, work to address those issues, and seek professional help when needed so connection and change become possible.

In this episode Paul explains what emotional availability really means, why many couples never learned it, and how it affects marriage. He outlines the prerequisites—knowing your own emotions, avoiding emotional dumping, and responding without withdrawing—and stresses that emotional connection must be practised consistently, not just occasionally. Practical tips include asking about your spouse's highs and lows daily, listening more than you talk, giving time for sharing (about 30 minutes), validating feelings, and getting help if needed. Paul reminds listeners that emotional availability is a skill couples can build together and that true strength is not afraid of tears.

This episode challenges couples to see that withholding emotional connection is as painful and damaging as withholding sex, and that we often use cognitive dissonance to justify our behavior. Paul urges listeners to stop blaming their partner, accept responsibility, and ask God to reveal the truth in their hearts; he also notes that issues like addiction, adultery, neglect, or ongoing anger must be addressed first. Tomorrow’s episode will define what it means to be emotionally available.

In this episode Paul explains that emotional and sexual availability are both essential to a healthy marriage and that lacking one can hurt a spouse just as deeply as lacking the other. He urges listeners to consider whether they limit the connection their partner needs, to empathise with how that feels, and to pray and act on what they learn so their marriage can reflect the fullness God intended. Empathy helps us do marriage well.

In this digest of Doing Marriage Well (week of August 3, 2026), Paul explores why God created marriage, drawing from Genesis, the prophets, and the New Testament. He explains marriage as companionship, a picture of God’s relationship with his people, and a priority in God’s design. Paul also addresses practical implications—protecting newlyweds, honouring marriages in the church, balancing happiness and holiness, and understanding the role of sex within marriage—offering pastoral insight and encouragement for couples. Link to Ezer Kenegdo article

This episode examines how couples often treat their spouse as the primary obstacle to peace and flourishing, and urges listeners to focus on their own actions rather than blaming their partner. Across the week the host discusses integrity, the dangers of withdrawal and contempt, overcoming emotional reactivity and control, and problematic beliefs about sex, offering practical challenges to foster healthier, more loving marriages.

Paul explores a provocative question: did God create marriage for sex, or did he create sex for marriage? He argues that human sexuality — unlike most animals — is designed for pleasure, bonding, and ongoing intimacy, not only reproduction. The episode explains how sex releases chemicals and hormones that connect partners, helps smooth relationship rough spots, and can encourage commitment. It also acknowledges how sin and hurt can damage sexual intimacy. If sex in marriage isn’t as it should be, it can improve with help and effort. Paul concludes that doing sex well in marriage honours God.

Paul examines whether marriage exists to make us happy or to make us holy, concluding it should do both. He rejects the idea that spouses are meant to fix one another, emphasising mutual encouragement, accountability, and personal responsibility for growth. Practical guidance includes discussing how much input each spouse wants, adjusting through different seasons of marriage, and cherishing marriage as one of God’s greatest gifts.

This episode shows how Scripture elevates marriage, using Deuteronomy 24:5 and Hebrews 13:4 to explain God’s design and command to value and protect marriage. Listeners receive practical guidance—give newlyweds space, keep the marriage bed pure, and support other couples through prayer, service, and community care.

This episode explores how marriage is used throughout the Bible to illustrate God’s relationship with his people—from prophetic images of God as husband to Christ as bridegroom and the church as his bride. It ties the one-flesh sexual union to the spiritual union with Christ and warns that a troubled marriage can be a poor witness to God’s character. Listeners are given practical parallels (abuse, silence, busyness, sexual refusal) and challenged to evaluate how their marriage reflects God and what changes might be needed.

Paul explains why God created marriage, focusing on Genesis 2:18 (The Voice) and the idea that it was "not good for man to be alone." He explores what God intended marriage to be — a perfectly suited companion to share life’s joys and burdens — and what marriage is not meant to be. Using a personal story of longing for marriage and reflections on appreciating a godly spouse, Paul offers practical takeaway: marriage exists to amplify good, lessen the bad, and help two become one. He also notes his choice of translation and references further reading in the show notes. A note: I used the The Voice version for Genesis 2:18 as it is a more accurate translation of the meaning of the original than many versions. I wrote about this in I Want An Ezer Kenegdo.

This episode examines the damaging idea that sex should follow different rules than the rest of marriage. It explores how withholding affection or demanding sex as a transaction wounds relationships and why both extremes—treating sex as off-limits or as an entitlement—are unhelpful and unbiblical. Drawing on Scripture, the episode emphasises mutual consent, emotional protection after hurt, and the importance of sexual generosity rooted in love. Listeners are encouraged to reflect and pray about fairness, forgiveness, and healthy, compassionate sexual connection in marriage.

Emotional reactivity in marriage comes from our fight-or-flight system and turns calm conversations into threats. When we react impulsively, we stop listening and often attack, withdraw, or freeze. External stress makes reactivity more likely, and small triggers can push us over the edge. Many justify reactive behaviour because of outside stress or a spouse’s perceived failure to respond. Those justifications prevent repair and healthy connection. Control is another core issue that damages intimacy. People try to control to feel safe, with men often acting overtly and women sometimes using manipulation. Both forms push partners away and block closeness. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward change. Beyond reactivity and control, couples often justify other harmful responses instead of taking responsibility. Ask where you are holding back or pushing because of unmet expectations. Accountability, not justification, helps marriages heal. This episode offers practical insight on moving beyond fight-or-flight and letting go of control. Doing so opens the way to calmer conversations and restored connection. Paul reminds listeners that justification does not lead to doing marriage well.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (July 29, 2026), Jay Stringer explores two destructive patterns—withdrawal and contempt—that quietly erode marriages. Withdrawal involves emotional shutdown and reduced physical and sexual intimacy, while contempt shows up as sarcasm, mockery, and dismissive behaviour. Both are marriage emergencies that require prompt attention and a sincere apology to heal.

Paul reflects on a Jay Stringer quote about how many marital conflicts come less from incompatibility and more from a loss of integrity. He warns against using a spouse’s mistakes to justify lowering your own standards and explains how entitlement fuels a destructive cycle of poor treatment. Paul asks listeners to consider how God would have them treat their spouse, shares how his wife’s integrity has sustained their 41.6-year marriage, and encourages couples to uphold right behaviour even when it’s difficult.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well, Paul responds to a quote from Jay Stringer and explores how couples often see their partner as the main barrier to peace and flourishing. He encourages listeners to shift focus from blaming their spouse to examining their own behaviour, showing how self-reflection and personal responsibility can transform relationships. Paul also mentions a new weekly digest podcast available in the show notes. A Note: I've started doing a weekly digest podcast. Get the entire week in a single 12 to 15-minute file. If you don't find Doing Marriage Well, wherever you listen, let me know. Or click here for last week's.

Doing Marriage Well — week of July 20, 2026: a concise guide to studies and practical steps to improve sexual health and intimacy for couples. Topics include why you must advocate for yourself with doctors, the risks of over‑the‑counter supplements and off‑label treatments, and modern procedural options like penile injections, Botox, and hyaluronic acid for ED and PE. Also covered: evidence that regular sex boosts physical and mental health, a simple writing exercise to increase desire and pleasure, and five proven habits (frequency, oral sex, consistent orgasms, variety, and communication) that sustain sexual satisfaction in long‑term relationships. Links: July 22nd Sex can make menopause easier. Women who engaged in routine sexual activity experienced less vulvar pain, dryness, and irritation during everyday life. Sex can ward off depression. Sex can delay heart problems. Sex was positively related to later risk of cardiovascular events for men. For women, this was only true if the sex was good sex, meaning they felt satisfied by it. Men who had sex at least twice a week were 50 percent less likely to die of heart disease during a study compared with men who only engaged in sex once a month.  Sex can keep you from getting sick. Having sex once or twice a week significantly increases immunoglobulin A, an antibody in the mucosal membranes that is considered a first-line defence against infection. Sex improves bladder control. Sexually active women were significantly more likely to have a strong pelvic floor compared with those who were not sexually active. This helps prevent incontinence. Sex at bedtime results in better sleep. Sex improves brain health. Studies have shown sex provides various cognitive benefits for older folks. And last but not least, regular sex can result in a longer life. Multiple studies have found a correlation between an active sex life and a longer life. July 23rd A link to the study July 24th Study Link      

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (July 24, 2026) we review a study of nearly 40,000 people that looked at what helps couples stay sexually satisfied after the early months of a relationship. The episode highlights five habits linked to lasting passion and satisfaction: maintaining sexual frequency, including more oral sex, achieving consistent orgasms (especially for women), adding variety to sexual activity, and practising clear, safe sexual communication. We explain how to notice declines, suggest small changes couples can try, and invite listeners to consider which habit would be a good starting point for bringing back passion and improving their sex life. Study Link

In this episode Paul summarises a study showing that people who wrote sexual fantasies at least twice a week for four weeks experienced increased sexual desire and pleasure, fewer distracting worries during sex, and greater partner connectedness compared with a control group. He advises keeping the exercise private at first, writing by hand or typing, focusing on scenarios that involve your partner or are mutually acceptable, and sharing only what feels comfortable. Writing fantasies can change how you think about sex, improve communication, and even serve as foreplay. There’s a link to the study and tips for trying the exercise at home.

This episode examines research linking regular sexual activity to a range of physical and mental health benefits, while noting the limits of correlation versus causation and the role of overall health, depression, and relationship quality. Highlights include findings on menopause symptom relief, reduced depression, lower cardiovascular risk, stronger immunity, improved pelvic floor and bladder control, better sleep, cognitive benefits, and associations with longer life — and a reminder that relationship health and seeking help for issues like ED matter. Host Paul concludes that investing in a healthy marriage and regular, satisfying sex can be one of the simplest, most powerful ways to improve overall well-being. Sex can make menopause easier. Women who engaged in routine sexual activity experienced less vulvar pain, dryness, and irritation during everyday life. Sex can ward off depression. Sex can delay heart problems. Sex was positively related to later risk of cardiovascular events for men. For women, this was only true if the sex was good sex, meaning they felt satisfied by it. Men who had sex at least twice a week were 50 percent less likely to die of heart disease during a study compared with men who only engaged in sex once a month.  Sex can keep you from getting sick. Having sex once or twice a week significantly increases immunoglobulin A, an antibody in the mucosal membranes that is considered a first-line defence against infection. Sex improves bladder control. Sexually active women were significantly more likely to have a strong pelvic floor compared with those who were not sexually active. This helps prevent incontinence. Sex at bedtime results in better sleep. Sex improves brain health. Studies have shown sex provides various cognitive benefits for older folks. And last but not least, regular sex can result in a longer life. Multiple studies have found a correlation between an active sex life and a longer life.

This episode explores injectable treatments for erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE), including FDA-approved penile injections and off-label options like Botox and hyaluronic acid. It explains how these treatments work, typical onset and duration, and reported effectiveness. The host also covers safety and side effects, real-world results, and practical considerations such as finding a provider and insurance limits, helping listeners decide if injections are worth pursuing.

Paul explains how most doctors receive little training in sexual health, so patients often need to push for answers, ask for referrals, and advocate for proper care. The episode warns about risky supplements, off-label prescriptions, and telehealth providers that may skip safety checks, and urges patients to inform their primary doctor and seek monitored treatment.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (July 17, 2026), Paul addresses how pornography harms marriage and explains why a wife’s request that her husband stop viewing porn is valid, often tied to feelings of disrespect and being used. He summarises research linking porn use to depressive symptoms and sexual dysfunction, encourages those struggling with pornography to seek help, and recommends support resources. Paul also discusses sex frequency, balancing wants versus needs, and stresses that caring for and honouring your spouse’s needs is the foundation for healthy, intimate marital sex. Links: Greater depressive symptoms are associated with increased use of pornography. Additionally, porn use correlates with significantly lower sexual function and sexual satisfaction and higher rates of sexual dysfunction. I highly recommend Be Broken Ministries.

In this episode Paul explains how to decide whether a spouse’s expressed needs are valid. He recommends generosity when a request isn’t enabling and can be met fairly easily, but stresses considering frequency, degree, and the impact on others. Paul warns that constant demands for validation or requests that require dishonesty are signs of deeper problems that may need professional help. Meeting needs may be hard, but it should stretch you without being destructive; consult a marriage expert if you’re unsure.