How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself

In part two of this series on loneliness, we explore the quieter ways loneliness can pull us away from the very connection we're craving. You'll learn why loneliness can lead us to send confusing social signals, become more critical of others, or dive into social media—and why these reactions are less about your personality than your brain's attempt to regain a sense of safety. Along the way, we'll cover simple, low-effort shifts that can help you signal warmth more clearly, reclaim a sense of agency in your relationships, and use self-awareness to reconnect without forcing yourself to be someone you're not. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

In this week's episode, we explore why loneliness can make connecting with others even harder. We'll talk about the "trying too hard" side of the equation: performing likeability with a perma-smile and jazz hands, being so relentlessly appropriate that people can't get close, and filling silence with nervous chatter that backfires. For each pattern, we'll cover a small, low-lift shift to try. The best news? None of this is a character flaw, and if we see ourselves in any of these examples, we're in luck: awareness is already most of the work. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

📢📢📢ANNOUNCEMENT: With the next episode, I'll turn on the paid subscription feature on Substack, but everything stays FREE. No tiers, no paywalled posts. If you'd like to contribute and hold the door open for someone else, come visit at https://ellenhendriksen.substack.com 📢📢📢Making friends as an adult feels harder than it should — but it doesn't have to. In this episode, we explore four circumstances that build closeness without all the logistical labor: repetition, immersion, high obligation, and getting adopted by a connector. Turns out, the right situation can do more for a friendship than any amount of planning. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

We hear a lot about friendship—but what about acquaintances? In this week's audio newsletter, we explore the underrated value of the people who float somewhere between strangers and friends: the neighbor you wave to, the regular at your coffee shop, the parent at pickup, the guy you call "Big Dog" at the gym. This week, we'll celebrate the casual, low-pressure connections that matter so much for feeling grounded, connected, and part of a community. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

This week, we’re talking about the 21% of people whose social anxiety comes out not as shyness, but as irritability, criticism, or pushing people away before they can be rejected. Together, we'll explore the lesser-known “fight” response to social anxiety, and why defensiveness and snark are often rooted in fear and a longing for acceptance. We'll cover three practical ways to soften those defenses, including acting as if you’re already liked, using body language to create feelings of openness and safety, and practicing compassion toward others as a pathway to self-compassion. If you’ve ever pushed people away while secretly wanting connection, this episode is for you. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

This week, listener Marissa is navigating the already tough job market with the added challenge of perfectionism whispering that she’s never quite qualified enough. We'll cover practical mindset shifts, like treating job requirements as a flexible wish list, accounting for your “perfectionism handicap,” and zooming out from microscopic self-criticism to a more balanced, big-picture view. Listen to cheer Marissa on and pick up some helpful tips yourself! Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

This week, listener Angie asks how to disagree without feeling anxious or fake, so we lean into assertiveness: expressing your views honestly while respecting others. We break down passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive communication, and show how disagreement can be a calm contribution rather than a conflict. With simple mindset shifts (you’re adding an additional perspective, not proving someone wrong), a matter-of-fact tone, and gradual practice in low-stakes situations, it becomes easier to speak up. Plus: easy sentence stems to help you disagree without drama. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

The cultural mantra “don’t care what people think” is meant to be freeing, but it can actually keep us tied to the very audience we’re trying to escape. In this episode, we explore why “don’t care what people think” is more armor than liberation, and offer three better questions to guide us: Did I act with integrity? Did I try? Did I learn? If you’re tired of replaying conversations and managing impressions, test out these three alternatives to ask, “But what did I think?” Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

What happens when people pleasing shows up in your dating life? This week, we’ll illustrate how conflict avoidance fuels false positives, delays breakups, and burns us out emotionally. But rather than trying to change our wiring, we’ll tap into your naturally strong conscientiousness to test out some new mindsets.  If you struggle with people pleasing or conflict avoidance in new or old relationships, this episode is for you. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

In this week's audio newsletter, we explore what it means to be consumed by regret when there’s no do-over—especially when that regret feels moral, unforgivable, and identity-shattering. We look at why common advice like “learn from it and move on” often falls flat, and what actually helps instead. You’ll hear three stuck points that keep us trapped in suffering: 1) believing that moving on means it didn’t matter, 2) that you don’t deserve relief, and 3) that self-punishment proves you’re a good person, and how to gently loosen our grip, so what happened can still matter without having to hurt forever. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

Some families show love and care by raising the bar, or by being hard on you, which backfires bigly. In this episode, we talk about externally-imposed perfectionism: what it is, why it hurts, and how it shows up with family. You’ll learn how to use acceptance and change—together—to reduce the emotional toll of criticism and ask for something different to improve connection. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode, we tackle other-oriented perfectionism—the habit of holding the people around us to impossible standards—and why it feels so hard to let go. Thanks to listener Kelsey’s question, we explore what we gain from being tough on others, what it costs us in our closest relationships, and concrete ways to loosen our grip without losing our values. If you’ve ever felt irritated by small mistakes, struggled to choose between being right and staying connected, or wondered how to go easier on the people you love, this week’s episode is for you. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

If you’ve ever felt like you were “built for more” despite having a stable, successful life, this episode is for you. We explore why high achievers so often feel mismatched with their own circumstances—and why that feeling isn’t really about accomplishment at all, but incongruence, the mismatch between our identity versus our lived reality.We'll break down five surprising reasons this sense of unmet potential shows up—from former gifted-kid expectations to perfectionistic wiring, counterfactual comparisons, hindsight perfectionism, and simple over-caution. Most importantly, we look at what actually helps: shifting toward alignment rather than more striving. Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

This week, dear reader “Carol” wrote in with a perfectly timed question that resonated with enough power to shatter a goblet of eggnog. She feels like the holidays are an onslaught of tests where others determine whether she is good enough. She's curious about how to resist performing the holidays. If you're already nodding in solidarity with Carol, let’s explore 3 ways to challenge the urge to perform the holidays without turning into a grinch.Join the wise and supportive Substack Community Chat! This week's discussion prompt: How are you good to yourself during the holidays? Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe

Dear reader YW wrote in with a question: Why do we still struggle with social anxiety after all this time and effort to tame/understand/accept it? Is it possible to “overcome it once and for all”? This week, we'll talk about three different ways you can “overcome” anxiety while not beating yourself up when anxiety inevitably pops up again. The best part? There’s no additional work with any of these three methods. You’ve already been working so hard for so long, and you don’t have to do any exercises or exposures or use any tools. All three are simply different ways of conceptualizing success.Join the wise and supportive HTBGTYWYHOY community over on Substack! This week's discussion prompt: When anxiety feels discouraging, what helps you keep perspective? Get full access to How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself at ellenhendriksen.substack.com/subscribe