The Otis Advisory

Remember when everybody was too woke to sleep?  It’s OK - that was just Woke 1.0 - a crazy time in Donkey politics and the national coalition of the unhappy.  Woke kids were everywhere, but the commie caucus was still confused over what to think and what to say!  Like, which car air freshener to go with?  The pine tree or the skunk? I’d pick the one that doesn’t smell like a burning hospital!  How about you?   Woke 1.0 was also the time Donkey people started selling their bath water on the internet.  But that one washed out pretty fast once the nausea stopped!  During Woke 1.0 we even lost the ability to tie our shoes or hand write our own name.  And that’s not all. Woke 1.0 was the time everybody started worrying about men, who were naturally stinky of course, just like always, and way too invested in meat, beer and ball.  Look, even the runt of the litter should get to go to the misogynist parlor.  But none of that works for the correct people.  That's when Wife Supremacy took over and masculinity took it in the shorts! That was Woke 1.0 - and it’s not over yet!  That’s the way we Otis - I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

It was Gain of Fauci the whole time!  The little shrimp was busy working the back side just to meet girls and get a new beach house!  But now he’s been caught with his little Fauci pants down! They wanted to try him as an adult, but the consigliere screamed, “PARDON” after sleepy Joe gave the little bugger a hall pass out of the wet market.” The Fauci squeeze play may have fooled the wife of the people - for a while - and tricked low information voters into wearing two masks at one time.   It was the nightmare scenario!  You want artificial intelligence, you found it!  I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

New York city’s new experimental Mayor, Zorro is already learning the hard lessons of socialism.  Finding out you can’t be both moisture-wicking and self-absorbed at the same time or you’ll just dry up!  That’s right. It’s already happening to Mayor Zorro.  His city is running out of cash!  He needs other people’s money and fast. “Where do I get more of this,” thought the young prince. That’s when marketing had to be called in to puncture the silence and find somebody else to blame.  So don’t worry Mr. Mayor, marketing will take care of your budget problem. Just smile, practice walking fast to a meeting and try to find some of those working men to pick up trash mountain stacked up on the street. Careful though, there’s probably somebody living up in there.  Oh wait, experimental mayor told the sanitation guys they could work from home like everybody else. Oh stars! That’s not gonna work. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What would be different right now if Kamala had won?  Lower your expectations for a second and use your imagination. Try to imagine President Kamala, a free-lance thinker with no active ingredients, having control of your wallet, your thermostat, your kids, and your menu.  Kamala likes keeping fear alive and watching the denutification of America.  If the lady in the pant suit had won, you’d be speaking Iranian by now.  Gone would be the funny speeches and press conferences we get now.  As you sit there comfortably numb with your pronouns all pinned to your shirt, ask yourself how much government fraud you think we’d have found by now if Kamala was in charge? Oh the larceny!   She’s still mad because Clarence Thomas wouldn’t date her. Then there’s the big one, the open door down south. That lovely Southern border would still be open.  Why? Because Kamala knows she gets a mail-in ballot out of every new smiling face that hops the fence. While you stay home writing checks to the IRS.  Fooled again!   Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Remember the War on Women?  Is that still a thing?  Do women still go off to finishing school?  What goes on there?  Let’s say your name is still Debbie and you’re still developmentally optimistic, then you’ve probably missed the short squeeze altogether. And that’s good.  Bring Your Wife to Work Day is only once a year, so honey, when opportunity knocks, don’t complain about the noise! Get after it. You can still Wang Chung when you need to.  Even before the War on Women, you knew a Pop Tart from a Captain’s Wafer,. and that DWI doesn’t  really means Doing What I Like.  Wait, is that too many letters?  Either way, you can’t conquer the world in bad shoes.  It’s just not done!  So no more standing behind the velvet ropes for you!  Hell no. Debbie or not, you are done being a super spreader for anybody.  Look, the Taliban didn’t have enough girls in management, and look what happened to them. Hell is real. And heat rises. That’s critical Otis Theory. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Why is it that some still need to take their shoes off on an airplane ride? It’s just wrong.  Still or sparkling, that’s gotta hurt. The guy next to you will never order another chicken fried steak again after seeing your airplane feet all fileted out in the walkway. It’s just too triggering!  Looking at those hooves you walk around on, all laid out in the middle of the aisle like that, could give anybody bone loss.  Nothing else can survive once you see airplane feet with the toenails shaped like Greenland.  So stop it!  And if you take ‘em out and start picking at everything you’ll need emergency nose and glasses just to sneak off the plane in one piece.  But wait, there are exemptions to the no airplane feet rule.  If your are scheduled to compete in the next Miss Vacant Lot pageant, you’re good.  Otherwise, if you still have a need to show off your airplane feet in flight, don’t be too surprised if some hex nut puts a spell on you. It could happen. Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Your Uncle Otis is back with a real Southern apology for China, since they may not have one of those yet.  And until you’ve had a good southern apology, honey you don’t know sorry.  So here goes.  China, here in the South, we kinda stole YOUR intellectual property too!!  That’s right, we stole you blind on Chinese Checkers.  Here’s the way it works:  if you’re not smart enough to pay Chess, then you play Checkers.  But if you’re not smart enough to play Checkers, you play Chinese Checkers.  That’s just how it’s done.  So even though Chinese robots are taking our JOBS, we still let the kids from the camp play Chinese Checkers all summer, cause nobody ever wins…just like in China!!  Otis even gives China a free idea!  Can you guess what it is?  Hear podcast ~ Wash hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Today we’re bringing in the Count of Monty Crypto to help explain the US economy in a way even Jasmine can understand it.  Step one, if you want to save big money, don’t buy anything.  Next: Hide your stuff! Go out in the backyard, dig a hole and put your stuff down there, then cover it up.  If the Zohan people can’t find it, they can’t tax it or give it to the aliens. Then, don’t buy anything that says DISPOSABLE.  What’s the point?  Let somebody else buy it and when they throw it away you go back around and pick it up for nothing. This is so easy.  Let’s say you want some Crypto Currency. You don’t know why but everybody’s doing it and you don’t want to miss out.  Well, BaitCoin is a whole lot cheaper than BitCoin, and you can do more with it.  BaitCoin is locally sourced, the correct people will cheer for that, like local honey, they get all worked up over that too. Gives them the same warm, welcoming embrace as socialism. Like the gooey cheese in the Mondami mouse trap.  “Come on in, have some promotional cheese. We’ll just take it from the people on the hill. They’ve got too much cheese.”  Who let this happen? Next, you’ll be making your own clothes.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Big Bad Bunny is now hiring.  He’s about to do the half time SuperBowl show and still needs a few good men to hold up his scarf for the big game. It’s a ballsey move, but since Super Bowl is copyrighted, we’re not allowed to talk about what a dumb NFL idea this really is. They just need you to lower your expectations for game day and accept Mr. Bunny for who he or they really is.  Just give him a little time to get his roots done!  Now since the Bunny man always seems to turn up third and long, you’re gonna need to know how to score all this!  A simple organism about to take the stage.  Not the halftime entertainment you expected, but there it is anyway.  And if you stand behind the velvet ropes, Big Blue Bunny will be happy to give you a peek at what really goes on at Doggy Day Care.  A million flies can’t be wrong, and this one’s really going to stink!  Our friend the Bunny has been butt dialed more than once from a Princess phone.  So what’s different this time, except maybe for 90 million of the undead hopefully still watching. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

At night when Jasmine Crockett lies there waiting for the sandman to come take her away, she likes to dream of how important she’s gonna  feel once we make her a US Senator from Texas.  Commander Otis here - back on Crockett Watch where we’ve brought in Oppo the research loving clown to find out what makes Ms. Crockett so entertaining.  What is it Oppo?  Why so sad?  Awwww, is it because Jasmine’s spirit animal is an oyster?  Jasmine’s going to need an edge to win in Texas and that’s where the mail in ballots come in.  Oh the larceny!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You’ve landed on the Jasmine Report – the weekly national tracker that chronicles the latest bull corn leaking out of Jasmine’s campaign for Senate.  Now sometimes Jasmine’s mind plays tricks on her when she dreams of winning the rural vote.  “Should I go campaign at the Cracker Barrel or the Waffle House,” thought Jasmine.  I wouldn’t get too worked up with that one honey.  You’ve got a lot more apologizing to do before you land any of the Billy Jack vote.  So it’s no surprise that hurricane Jasmine hired a rapper to follow her around and make up bad songs about all her big ideas.  If Jasmine says we should put screen doors on submarines, then there must be a good reason, so don’t rule it out.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

APOLOGY REQUEST FORM  Here at the Discount Think Tank and Bait Camp, we can sometimes hit a little too close to the bone. And that’s when the lawyers make us apologize.  With so many wanting an apology from your Uncle Otis, we’re starting to fall behind. If I need to be sorrier faster, and get you back a personalized Certificate of Apology for all this stuff, you’re gonna have to use the Apology Request Form.  Just contact this station and tell them to send you an official Uncle Otis Apology Request form and we’ll see what we can do.  Just let me know who was offended: was it you, your wife, wife’s sister or other, along with what you think we said (or just meant) that was so bad.  We’ve heard it all before, so go take your shot!   Now you know what to do! Order your CERTIFICATE OF APOLOGY from your Uncle Otis and I’ll see you at the peace March.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now.  Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel.  Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about.  Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things.  But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door.  Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door.  Problem solved.  Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing.  And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it.  So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next?  Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that?  Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area.  Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow.  That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him.  Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south.  I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated.  I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet.  You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

HAPPY TALKThe holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up.  Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was.  Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that.  Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, like “Someday, little Uncle Otis, you’ll have a socialist mayor in New York city, and that’ll come with a free bus ticket.”  Oh stars!  Who’s sorry now?  But then it happened. You know honey, there’s still time to move to Miami to start that mobile back scratching business - just sayin’.  Otis clears it all up.  Hear podcast ~ Wash hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beefy Sue.  She doesn’t work here anymore either.  And if you’re determined to wear your new dress with the hoop earrings and pearls to your next battlefield event, think again cupcake.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complaining about her bunions, the unmuted congressman lady let loose with this new life-altering claim" “Committing crimes," said Jasmine, "doesn’t make you a criminal.”  Imagine the surprise of all the hard working criminals now feeling like they’ve been wasting their time - getting nowhere - no credit – nothing?  Jasmine, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, always seems to come up third and long.  Do not resuscitate.  Thanks for riding with Otis today.  We have microphones and were not afraid to use them.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store.  Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she had a little handbag and a hat with a flower on it, and even a little mallet she used to pop Mr. Potato Head guy when he got out of line.  They were inseparable, even did some movies together.  But now, cancelled, as mom and pop Potato Head have had to become pan-sexual so the correct people could feel less guilty.  I sure hope it works because cancelling biology is hard. Takes big stones, or brass ovaries or something to be that impressed with yourself!  We’re beginning to see a quickening as we inch closer to the singularity – the morphing of all into one.  Think of it like E-Pluribus Backwards, a personal transformation from freedom into an odorless, colorless, comfortably numb and compliant, gender-neutral cell mass with a bad logo. That’s critical Otis Theory,  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thicken up those pop tarts as soon as you slip ‘em over whatever you got going on back there now.  No need to walk around with a taillight out anymore Cupcake, just pack it on with Spanky Pants before heading up to the mall for your next show.  Hell you could get yard of the month with this. And you thought hammer time was just happy hour.  Welcome to Spanky Pants with benefits – it’s the new normal, built to fool the wife of the people. Think of it like a bounce house on wheels that goes everywhere you go.  And don’t worry about that rumble strip back there, it’s just there for ventilation. This your Uncle Otis, a false and dangerous narrative keeping fear live – that’ll be ten hail Mary’s.  Hear podcast - wash hands. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore.  Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August?   Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl.  Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later.  And try not to wear your pajamas this time.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is the white winter itch we’ve been warned about.  Brought to you by a girl named Sidney, who just went on TV in her good jeans to roll around for thirty seconds in some dog hair on the floor.  Have mercy!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff had an enthusiasm gap building, and when they saw Ms. Crockett using her fingernail as a guacamole scoop they decided to narc on her.  So somebody’s about to be de-clawed and probably have their mouth washed out with soap. You know how a glass blower knows not to inhale!  Well Ms. Crockett, this is one of those times!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe left for him over in China.  But wait – did you know there’s a Mrs. Hunter.  Yes, he’s married,  Somewhere there’s got to be paper saying honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple of years, and you getting your own beach house. Take the bait!  That's the way we Otis, I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is on board for anyone who’s lost their appetite for work.  “Chicks dig me because I burn tires,” said the Zohan.  And in a Mandami state-run grocery store, cotton candy is produce!  It's a miracle. He's like artificial sweetener, the more you read what’s in it, the less of it you want.  Somebody pump the breaks on this mess before New York boils over for good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trump to just fly all that stuff home and don’t be doing this again without asking the girls first.  Orange says, “talk to the tail ladies – the whiskers ain’t listening.”  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your next Bunker Buster?  First, get out of the way!  Call in sick.  Take some ME time.  Remember the Bunker Buster feeds everybody in the room all at once - no separate checks.  We know that OZZY is the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and he is selling his DNA for $4.50 a can.  Being liquified is big business! Just sayin'.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lock up, so do you really think he’s going to Alcatraz?  Hell no?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with the other kids so they can go to jail too. That’s America!  And if $3 Bill has graffiti skills, well that’s a plus!  And you thought untucked masculinity was the problem.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call?  You call a man!  Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall.  Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better.  Men are no longer impressed by things like Kamala's bunions, so quit asking.  And if a man brings a bag of Pork Rinds to your birthday party, don’t act surprised.  Just smile and say thank you.  Otis Investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge.  Not a good look!  Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done.  Hear what came next with Otis.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them?  Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala.  Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all.  But what's the difference?  Aren’t you tired of complaining yet?  I know I am.  Imagine how much more we could get done around here if everybody put down the dopey little signs and walking around out in the yard saving democracy.  Isn’t that getting old yet?  It’s so last year.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener.  Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel.  But know other stuff too like what a woman is.  Hell, men are experts in that.  They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff.  Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for that box of Christmas pajamas with the bunny feet and tail.  It comes down to one thing: “What would Roy Rogers do?” That’s how you know if you’re thinking right.  If Roy would do it – then you can do it.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If you've been getting your powdered Margarita mix from China, I think I'd be making other arrangements. Orange man has changed all this so we don’t forget how to make our own essential fixins.  We shouldn't have to rely on China for medicine, memory foam and dead flashlights.  “But, Oh Uncle Otis, everything’s gone global now!”  Well not everything – mudpies is still a local thing - good clean fun that comes right out of the back yard for free.  Mud pies exist for one reason: to give you something to play with until mama gets home.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If you’re even thinking about stuffing a T-bone down your shorts at the Walmart think again. Due to shrinkage (used to be called stealing but that was too real) they’re now keeping the steaks in little wire cages to keep your grubby mitts from stuffing Mr. Roast down your pants and heading for the parking lot.  If you’re keeping score, this all started with locking up the deodorant and toothpaste - now it’s on to the Veal of Fortune.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

It all makes sense when you think of Kamala as the dented can on the store shelf.  Poor little dented can, it’s sad that nobody wants it anymore being all smushed and caved in.  Pushed aside for the shiny new can, the one with the fresh AOC label, except that one’s about to be banned for all the fake coloring in it.  Of course, there is one color you don’t have to worry about.  Right, it’s Orange!  Nothing phony - Orange is different, and it won’t make you sick.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Kamala is about to open the doors to her new Think Tank!  “We’ll think about anything for a price,” giggled Kamala.  It’s like the self-licking ice cream cone of bad ideas, but there it is anyway.  Tanks Alot Kamala is mostly particle board and sounds like a cry for help that no one hears.  It even has its own flush handle built right into the tank for when things get messy.  Let’s check the ingredients: “May contain bull-corn.  Has no wow factor. Could cause white winter itch."  So what can you expect to find floating around over here?  Too soon to know, but in this race to the bottom, Kamala is definitely winning!    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example.  Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic.  It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up.  Oh here’s a birthday card from somebody named Boom Boom Willie.  Probably met down at the community pool.  Here's someone being notified about getting yard of the month.  It’s about time.  All they had to do was take down that Trump yard sign and look at that – yard of the month it is!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government.  But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all.  Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine!  Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking.  Then just sit back and let the cameras do all the work.  This shake down isn’t going to stop anytime soon.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish.  Never have been.  Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean.  The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything.  Meat doesn’t do that.  You can do better.  Look, a million flies can’t be wrong.  Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why?  Ask the medical examiner.  They know crawfish are like sticker burs.   You’re not dealing with a bag of frozen peas here. Crawfish are pre-historic, and you’re not. So look somewhere else for something to eat.  Hell, even Kamala won’t eat crawfish - she’ll wolf down a bag of pork rinds but won’t get down in the mud for a plate of these.  Good call but maybe don’t wear that crawfish costume in the parade next time, just saying. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The only thing more dangerous than being Chuck Schumer right now is being Chuck Schumer driving a red Tesla.  That would be a bowel-curdling trigger event over at Camp TransAntifa, the Nottingham Forrest of the pumps and pearls fellas with an itch for firebombing.  I know it’s getting harder to score this stuff.  But Orange man doesn’t care. He’s sending Tesla firebombers to the pen for 20 big ones.  But don’t write him off yet, Chuck is like cat pee. You’ll never get the smell out.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Don’t be looking for a Mother’s Day card in Wisconsin. “Mother’s Day cards don’t say mother anymore,” said Governor Shagnasty.  In Wisconsin, Mother has been changed to “Incinerated Persons” – wait, is that right?   By the way, now that Orange man has declared English the official language of America, when someone tells you “no worries” – you can just say, “hey speak English!”  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The barnyard is buzzing this week over the high cost of eggs.  Somebody gave the chickens the flu, probably caught it at the gym like everybody else.  But what you really need to worry about is egg smuggling.  There coming across the border from everywhere,  Smuggling eggs can get messy. Stuffing a dozen or so down your shorts to cross “over easy” in El Paso works fine, until you sit down.  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

USA sent fifty million dollars in condoms to Gaza.  Found out later they decided to make condom bombs instead with all their free rubbers. Come on now, this is too easy.  Let’s say you’re the runt of the litter and someone gives you fifty million dollars’ worth of free rubbers.  You could go find a nice girl to share a bag of pork rinds with, or, make a condom bomb to blow up the One Hour Martinizing store up the street.  I know what I would do – and I’m not thinking dry cleaning.  D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

ORANGE SUNRISE  Thanks to the new Orange sunrise over Washington, a system-wide peristalsis has begun, moving the waste and waste by-products from the gut of government.  In its place, luxury, prosperity and of course endless boogie!  Can you dig it.  But as always, Donkey Darkness is on the rise working to stop common sense before it breaks out.  Better to maintain the rot for the next wave of pajama-wielding protesters daydreaming of the day they’ll get to throw their deadly avocado toast at police and the ICE man.   Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

TRUMP DANCE  It’s a dance.  It’s a movement.  No wait, it’s the Trump Shuffle, and all the kids are doing it.  How low can you go?  Just put your bottom on a swivel and leave your pronouns at the door!   The Trump Shuffle is ground zero in the land of a thousand dances.  But you won’t see it on The View.  Oh hell no. They’re still worried it’ll give you the Monkey Pox or something – you filthy pig!  Look, it’s OK to celebrate, but you better hurry.  The Trump Dance is a limited time offer.  The Crankiest among us always find a way to come back around, all triggered up for more state-sponsored misery at government expense.  So what can you do?  Well first, enjoy doing The Trump Shuffle whenever you’re feeling good.  Think of it like getting butt dialed from a Princess Phone - there’s just no downside.  When news stinks you’ll smell it first, right here with your Uncle Otis.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The Honor Snacks man finally went back around to check on his snack box after the Biden White House cleared out.  Naturally it came in light, again.  The little bedwetters had their grubby little mitts on the Captains Wafers but never left the fifty cents in the slot.  So much for Donkey people and the Honor Snacks idea.  One of them even stuck a note down the slot about how oppressed people shouldn’t have to pay and everyone else should be ashamed for asking.   You can learn a lot from a box of Honor Snacks. Remember, no one has called yet to claim responsibility for Hunter.  So there is that.  Otis brakes it down. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

In our special preview of the new Biden Library, we'll discover what you'll see once you’ve passed through the giant 2-story bottle of hand sanitizer built right into the entrance to this historic and bothered place.  Yes. the Biden Library is a living monument to the big cheese!  Visitors will see his actual beach chair, permanently indented with the presidential butt cheeks, where Joey spent 40% of his time as president.  That’s right next to the Statue of Lethargy where you get a close up look at what 10% can buy without working.  There’s even Hunter’s Chrystal Methodist Laptop, along with the actual letter from fifty-one intelligence officers declaring that the laptop is not really there at all.  There’s even an interactive wing where men learn how to get pregnant and become their own grandpa – very popular during the Biden term.  And don't miss the popular Wife Supremacy Exchange out in the garden - that’s extra.  Otis details it all.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

GreenlandOrange Man says it's time for us to go ahead and take Greenland’s stuff.  That’s right.  Everything they’ve got is about to be ours!  This is so simple.  Why didn’t anybody think of taking Greenland’s stuff before?  Whatever it is – just fork it over!  Look, we’ll pay ‘em back, for their stuff, and here's a great way we can start:  Let's put The Biden Library right there in Greenland!  It needs a home anyway and nobody else is asking.   Just imagine the tourist business.  Everybody will want to come home with one of those Girls of Greenland posters. You can sell ‘em right in the gift shop!  We’ll even build ‘em a waffle house. God knows they need one.  Probably could use a Giddy Up Glamor up there too…just sayin.  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Kamala has returned from happy hour to make more speeches at us.  She’s got some flowery new words to go into the non-sense blender - now set to liquify!  "I will ask you to remember the context in which you exist," says Kamala to the great unwashed!  How much more of this chin boogie can we take?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There’s an Orange sunrise coming.  A new President means man business is back in style.  Men are even opening car doors again (that's how they get inside.)  Guys are even out changing flat tires whether they’re flat or not, just for a way to get dirty.  Something’s working. Lab grown meat is going away and pom poms on gym socks are coming back.  Stud Finders Family Rebuilding Centers are springing up everywhere.  Shrunken heads are going back on rear view mirrors and moms are ironing patches on jeans again. God Bless America is no longer hate speech.  And we’re finally back to just two genders, so you’ll just have to make do with whatever came with your shorts on day one - no fudging around.  In Orange America it’s OK to have Ladies Night again, but not free vodka for the homeless. You have to get your own.  Something for everybody under an Orange sunrise. But you won’t read about any of this in the Biden Library, mainly because there is no Biden Library.  So stop asking.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.