Commentary Fairy

Rita and Joe have their piercings ripped out by an MRI machine in Research Mode as they talk over Final Destination 6.

Rita and Joe are tempted by demonically chivalric Billy Zane into talking over 1995's Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.

In 2010, Rusty Crowbar starred in a criminally (or perhaps not-so-criminally...?) underrated white-knuckle thriller from the writer-director of the film that stole Best Picture from Brokeback Mountain with a title that could describe any film that includes a 72-hour period in its narrative. But I implore you - don't lock this one away. Bust it out of its snap case and run with it, because it's a smart, tightly scripted, hugely rewarding pulse pounder with superbformances that I incarcerate very highly.Discussed in this episode:Our confusion as to exactly which three days are the titular "Next"Questionable justification for bursting into a home to forcibly arrest someone with no criminal record and no reason to expect resistanceTy Simpkins - the Ty-cast cutie-kins Hollywood Simp'd forThe most important button in modern fictionNeeson Needsom quick cash!Buying ice as an icebreaker that will hopefully lead to slipping into their fake-IDMsThe US's lax passport photo requirements - "Front on? BOOOORING!"The life and times of David Pintumbler, inventor of the Pin Tumbler LockWould you a-leave ya wife for Olivia Wilde?The call of a wild MoussHolding off on learning the location of the house you're dropping your son off at on the most intensely pre-planned day of your life because you need to throw in some unknown variables to keep it exciting for yourselfElizabeth Banks banking on Rusty's banking skills to get her bank into the carSharing a scene with Russel Crowe! [as the face of one of the FBI's 40 most wanted fugitives]Joe mixing up countries again, this time with a focus on South AmericaThe real way they tracked down Osama Bin Laden: through his casting agent.Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:35)

Robert De Niro directs a film about a young bucking Bronxo whose soul hangs in the balance, swinging like an Italian sausage between two male role models: his working-class loyal Dad and his murdering-class local dirtbag. (His mother vanishes completely after the first act, not that he ever noticed her). Along the way he stumbles into a love-at-first-100-sights relationship, a race war triggered by undeclared cycling boundaries and the longest dice-rolling tournament in the history of cinema, complete with claustrophobic time-out penalties, to ensure a great game is as fun as possible. But as Dad Niro tells him, "The choices that you make will shape your life forever." I'm pretty sure the only choice we see this kid make is to lie to the police to protect a murderer, so I can't feel too much pity for him if his life ends up shaped like a chalk outline.Discussed in this episode:Cyclone AlfredAn American Tail 2: Feivel Goes West and other "Tale" movies.Oh no - a thief with racist, hate-crime-committing BFFs who idolises fat, old, drug-addicted career criminals and animal killers like they're the Justice League is in danger of becoming imperceptibly MORE corrupted!"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be homeless."Confessions of a boy who was forced to go to ConfessionThe architectural superfluousness of stoopsA biker gang getting beaten up by a book club of overweight senior citizens, with speeded up footage to maximise the absurdity"If your date doesn't do this incredibly specific, bafflingly inexplicable thing upon getting into your vehicle, drop her like a molotov cocktail onto your own stash of unused molotov cocktails."Calogigula running to thank Sonny for depriving him of the one positive character decision he could have made for himselfTWIST! Oscar-winner Joe Pesci was in the car that was having its windscreen cracked a little, so Sonny was 100% justified in shooting that guy in the arm, the brain, and then two more times while he was bleeding out on the ground instead of just threatening him with the gun and getting him to stop because it was an act of LOVE. Bless you, Sonny. May angels wing thee to thy rest.And then curb-stomp you.A Better Tale: Road To PerditionAmazon Prime screwing over unauthorised commentary makers with its unskippable mid-roll ads, rendering feature-length synchronisation virtually untenableThanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:09)

No matter how many times these peanut-eyed-ghost-mask-wearing psychos get killed, they just won't stay dead. Some new psycho (and their plus one) always takes up the mantle, rents the same Halloween costume, downloads the exact same Roger L. Jackson voice modulator app and takes a stab at it, usually in retaliation for a previous psycho. "Maybe THIS time the recurring plan to [needlessly] fake one of our deaths and frame one of our victims will finally succeed!" Spoilers, it doesn't. I mean, THERE'S the solution if you want to do something new - don't relocate to New York - let Thanos WIN, and then regroup in the next film and ENDGAME Ghostface's twin butts! But also, if you insist on doing Scream Takes Manhattan, make better use of the locale than a subway car and a Kwik-E-Mart! Have Ghostface chasing them round the Rockefeller Center ice skating rink or up the Statue of Liberty - "Give me your tired, your poor, and I'LL GUT THEM LIKE A FISH!!!"Ah, no one listens.Discussed in this episode:The dwindling number of "Dream" songs to parodyThe Scream franchise's frustratingly bungled numbering systemThe untreatable psychosis of someone who would rather stab Samara Weaving to death than take her to dinnerAn unexplored plot thread: the difficulty of making new friends when your past friends were famously evisceratedGhostface's vintage, implausibly-distressed grunge maskThe "Ghostface = nepo-baby" connectionNick Cave (and presumably the Bad Seeds) getting paid royalties every time someone makes a new Scream movie and goes low-effort on the soundtrackScream 7: SaharaSomething you would be unlikely to find in a New York apartment: a long stepladder.Candyman's three competing backstoriesThe characters somehow knowing Gale's home address immediately upon hearing itMissed opportunity to have THREE Ghostfaces on screen at onceSeveral characters conveniently disappearing into the phantom zone because they're not required for the ensuing sceneIrresponsible films that fail to realistically depict the extreme agony of being stabbed in the gut - agony that would still be felt ten/twenty minutes after the initial stabbing and would absolutely preclude laughing, cracking jokes or leaping casually into the back of a mother$@%&ing ambulance.Jenna Ortega screwing her castmates out of a job by demanding too much money for Sc7eam (aka my story idea for Sc7eam)(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:59)

100 EPISODES! 🎉🎊🥳Have we really wasted this much time? It sounds like something we'd do. And what better film to blabber through in celebration of reaching syndication than the third-highest-grossing film of all time (adjusted for inflation) - TITANIC! Apparently one of the most incredible true stories in history wasn't incredible enough for James Cameron, who thought a whirlwind, forbidden romance and a priceless lost treasure that have both remained secret for 84 years would be the cherries on top. And boy was he right! When the ship hits the phantom iceberg, you want a cinematic wunderkind like Jimbo at the helm to steer you into an ocean of box office riches.( 100 episodes is a nice round number, but fear not! The Fairy will go on... [sorry that was meant to be "fear a lot"] )Discussed in this episode:The impossible argument of whether or not it's more impressive to win every category your nominated in or to win the same number but be nominated in MORE categories.Rose's complete erasure of the pre-cucked husband she presumably lived with for decadesIt's a-me, Fabrizio!The official Titanic door-opener, whose duties extend into the afterlifeLeo's predilection for younger partnersThe 1912 twink haircut, resurgentKate Winslet's digitally-unmanipulated breastsRose using Jack's sketch to taunt her fiancée, not to cherish as a treasured memento of the most "erotic moment of her life".Our various strategies to survive the sinkingThe harsh reality of the steerage passengers who chose to face their doom prostrate in their bedsFirst Officer Murdoch's descendants sending James Cameron to the principal's office for depicting what is still Murdoch's most probable fateThe most thank-god-they-cut-that Deleted Scene in cinema historyJames Horner's precognitive musical superpowers that helped him win the soundtrack lottery"Come Josephine In My Flying Machine" rocking the 1910 airwaves(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:37)

Join us for an M. Night in as we age ourselves two hours watching one of Rita's favourite flicks from the last decade - a tropical getaway adventure to a secluded beach surrounded by the kind of minerals that would make anyone in the skincare industry shit their pants and fall out of bed screaming. If Neutrogena found out about this little slice of paradise, they'd drop a hydrogen bomb on it. But the thing is, most people wouldn't even need to travel to this magical beach. Aging rapidly whilst feeling trapped and unable to achieve anything? I don't even have to leave my room.Discussed in this episode:OLED screen-protecting features that don't protect your viewing experience from blowing chunks, and demand to be warranty-voidingly disabledHaving billions of dollars to spend on scientific research but no pocket change left in the budget to spend on fancying up the hazardous-waste-looking entrance to the beautiful beach you're trying to convince people to visitLady Gaga's secret cameoGuy's eyebrow-raising method of comforting his kids by grabbing their heads and pressing them into parts of his bodyRita being dissatisfied with the quantity of tumours presented to herNone of the characters making the mental leap to move away from someone who is slashing at them with a knifeM. Night's character being a perfect facsimile, in that he puts himself in full view when he doesn't have to and really shouldn't.The children experiencing the life of a social media influencer: a never-ending bikini-clad beach holiday in which you only focus on your body and never work a single dayThe aging being caused by mineralchloriansThe buy-one-get-one-free-disease couplet of schitzo surgeon and honeycomb-bones trophy bimboTaking reef conservation way too far by hesitating to break one flimsy stalk of coral to save your drowning sisterThe previous victim who impulsively did a Hail Mary swim through the coral and didn't make itThe beach that makes fonts oldRita Kriepily seeing Joe's mother in every short-haired middle-aged womanDELETED SCENES, including most of Abby Lee's character (none of M. Night's scenes were cut, thank god)Young - the Minnesota-set sequel we need(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 0:51)

Disney does it again! The studio that rose to prominence acquiring other people's stories and turning them into something magical has mutated into the studio that buys other studios and turns their IP into something calculatedly profitable. Although in this case, they seem to have miscalculated. Is it as bad as many believe? Did Disney raid Indy's tomb and fail to find anything that belongs in a theatre? Should the ending of this film be Indy using the Dial to erase the last two Indy films from history, Deadpool-2-style? The only way to answer these questions is to look inside your heart and see the huge glowing word "YES" there.Discussed in this episode:The Indiana Jones alternating Nazi/Non-Nazi antagonistic forceIn-de-aged-a Jones and the Uncanny ValleyThe modern trend of maximising verisimilitude by flat-out refusing to do any lighting for night-time scenesBringing "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C+C Music Factory back to 214 BC Syracuse just to see if the locals are capable of getting amongst itJames Mangold's masochistic hatred of Boyd HolbrookAlways set your time travel story in 1969 so you can reference the moon landing and the Vietnam War and hippiesThe when-would-you-time-travel-to? gameCalzones = pizza perfectedHow every one peanut is actually two peanutsChocolate being the agreed-upon best tasting thing on EarthTeddy - a character in this film, we swear - cold-bloodedly and unnecessarily dooming someone to a watery graveIndy's sick, self-hating compulsion to always lead the bad guys to the artefact and have them steal it from himArchimedes splitting his Dial into three pieces to avoid it being reassembled, but bafflingly keeping two of the pieces right next to each otherMads Mikkelsen's plan:1) Kill Hitler2) Start giving orders3) Hope that no Hitler-loving Nazis object to steps 1) and 2)American humor vs British humour vs Australian humour vs [fart sound effect] haha! bonzerHow did Archimedes discover how to make a time sphincter in the clouds?Robert Zemeckis being pestered constantly by Universal to set the torch to his artistic integrity and make Back to the Future Part IV(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 1:44)

For 19 years of harmony, the Indiana Jones films existed as a beloved, near-perfect trilogy of swashbuckling adventure and quintessential movie magic. Then along came 2008, to shatter that harmony with an elongated glitter-infused novelty bowling ball in the shape of Beldar Conehead's skull. Every character becomes an indestructible cartoon, every animal is a CGI-sore and every story decision makes you want to drive a boat-car off a cliff onto a native bungee tree. But hey - it's all in good fake-- I mean FUN!Discussed in this episode:Digital Groundhog DayRidiculous levels of detail for your bomb-test townThe only historical instance in which a lead-lined fridge SAVED someone's life instead of ending itIndy either specifically targeting women named "Mary" as his sexual partners or having sex with such a vast quantity of random women that multiple Marys were contained within that groupUnderselling the film's title as a "Kingdom of Crystal Skulls" when it's actually a kingdom of crystal skeletons.Pranking spammersDipping the poisoned dart at both endsBreaking the seal on your limited edition mummified Conquistador collectible and immediately regretting itTurd-inspired costume designMarion's continued psychological abuse at the loins of IndyWaiting just a hair too long to break out of your crumbly tomb cavity because your first audience in four thousand years just left the roomSolution to every obstacle = use crystal skull13x crystal skeletons = 1x inexplicably vindictive inter-dimensional space alienChuckling at your own son's abandonmentA son licking his lips anxiously at the sight of his mother being tongued. Roll credits.A leftover head-scratcher (slash lopper) from the Last Crusade's final challenge(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 2:16)

Crusaders of the Lost Cup! In 1989 Spielberg closed the artistically carved stone coffin lid on the perfect action-adventure-serial trilogy, never to be opened again. And why would it be? A more perfect conclusion you couldn't ask for: the only father-son wilderness retreat you ever need to go on - a riotous, rollicking, fun-filled, action-packed pleasure trip by land, sea and air through the middle of the world map, powered by the biblical-lightning-bolt chemistry crackling between two infamously grouchy alpha-male megastars having the time of their lives playing against type as each other's comic foils. If you had to choose the Holy Grail of action-adventure films, you'd choose wisely and choose this. (After convincing your associate to drink from it first, just in case you chose poorly).Discussed in this episode:Young Indy acquiring every character-defining trait in one 10-minute windowIndy finally holding onto an artifactThe prophetically enterprising Israelite who brought Jesus' personal Last Supper cup to the crucifixion and scooped some discarded blood of Christ for resale on the black marketAn unusually vocal majority of ratsRansacking for ransacking's sackIndiana Jones and Disney's The Haunted Mansion®Hi-tech Austrian/German fireplaces that produce zero flickeringRegarding Henry (Sr)Elsa's pro-Nazi sleep-speakAustria v Germany - the definitive guide (CliffsNotes summary: say goodbye to as many hot Austrians as you can get your lips on, avoid departing from Germans at all costs to your face)Thank you for flying Air HitlerLuger - the perfect tool for when you absolutely need to shoot through three Nazis at onceDooming Petra, Jordan to defilement by littering, urinating touristsOnly the penitent man, who also does a forward somersault to avoid having his head buzz-sawn off in his penitent pose, shall passThe Path of God - beautifully realised, totally illogical movie magicThe greatest death in cinemaThe price of immortality: you'll need to be a bit of a shut-in.Elsa requiring only 7 seconds to completely obliterate everything the Grail Knight spent 700 years protectingProblematically casting an actor with zero Knight-of-the-Realm lived experience to play the Grail Knight#Release-the-Word-of-God-with-one-single-Tarantula-Cut(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:50)

Adventure just updated its profile and I'm just reading here-- apparently it has a name now: "Indiana Jones". I hope it doesn't get offended if I sometimes slip up and call it "adventure", especially since this film very much defines that word: Period Shanghai club brawl and car chase... jumping out of a plane on a raft... elephants in the jungle... booby trap crushing room with spikes... subterranean temple and mine... fire and lava... collapsing rope bridge...If you typed "adventure" into an A.I. film generator, this is what it would spit out. (Although you may want to add "non-controversial depictions of foreign cultures" in there too, just to be safe)Discussed in this episode:Shaky counterarguments against arguments against this film.The common elements: Paramount logo transition, banger opening sequence, creepy creature en masse, villain(s) getting drop-dead VFX-y deathWu Han: a dark vision of Short Round's future or just a local hook-up?Attempting to save this film from the white saviour trope, which we are only able to do because we're white and the film is dark. Wait-- dammit!A dozen severed thumbs way up!Loving WilliePeople with perhaps pre-existing notions coming away from this film believing that bugs, live snakes, monkey brains and eyeball soup are staples of traditional Indian cuisineThe previous crushing-spike-room victims who chose to position their heads directly under a stalac-spike as the ceiling slowly loweredJoe stealing ancient artist-tracksThe big German mechanic reincarnated, India-styleLots-o'-Huggin' @ PixarChantslated: "Mola Ram, Great Guy"Chattar Lal's death scene ending up on the Chatting room floor8-year-old Joe believing Pat Roach was liquefied by the rock crusher, and significantly reduced in massNone of the Thuggees realising that their mine cart track has a huge gap because the carts always make the jump and arrive at the end of the line intactRita's dream house, in a senseThe Sankara Stone being able to project its power ahead of itself and cause the village's complete Technicolor® restoration to precede its actual arrival at said villageSpielberg's "I'll take both" approach to John Williams' movie themesElephants doing the beaded-dress detox cleanse(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 7:04)

In 1981, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas collectively decided their absolute domination of popular cinema wasn't absolute enough and joined forces to create the greatest adventure hero in history, for a lark. Indiana Jones - a name that rolls off tongues easier than a spherical boulder in an ancient South American temple booby-trap before dropping into a well of 7000 snakes, sliding under a moving truck and punching a Nazi into a plane propeller. The years have diminished none of its action-packed thrill-ride mileage. Dust off your favourite hat, holster your trusty revolver that sounds like a Winchester rifle and crack that leathery whip - it's time to be taught a lesson in the lost ark of movie magic. Raid on!Discussed in this episode:Indiana Joe's Fed[ora]ucation[unfortunately never learning when to abandon a failed pun]Is Indy a cradle-snatcher as well as an idol-snatcher?Physically removing over 300 Tunisian TV antennae for a rooftop scene confirming that present-day Production Assistants should be sacrificing their children to the gods of CGIIndy's friends wishing he would be just a little more freaked out about this Ark thingReusing actors so you don't have to repeatedly explain where the toilets are (apparently they were in one's own pants, given the rampant dysentery)The film's secret weapon: humorous reveals behind the backs of dead peopleIndy casually murdering an innocent street performer because the guy just happened to be wearing black that dayBelloq McConaughey - your on-brand Rita hot take 🔥Deep Roy date boy - your Joe ice-cold take ❄️Incredibly gorgeously detailed real sets and locations [Homer Simpson drool]The comical non-necessity of the Staff of Ra ritual when the Well of Souls is the most blatantly prominent, central structure in the Map Room scale modelIndiana Jones - non-hero???The most happening joint in the world for snakes - anysnake who's anysnake will be there.Dusty creatively-decomposed corpses 😍Swastika™️The mystery under-the-truck cut line of dialogue that you can only not hear if you see the film live in concert. { EDIT: I went down the rabbit hole and found it - I'm not crazy: video / forum thread about it - apparently he says something like "Did they think I was dumb/done?" which makes almost no sense at all so I'm glad they cut it. }The sharp-hand run, and why you need itBelloq doesn't eat the fly - MYTH BUSTED! 💥🪰(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:29)(*NEEDLESS NOTE: a weird audio thing happened from 36:22 to 37:51 where the Ri(ta)ght channel jumped to the Left and overwrote it. No explanation as to why this happened except perhaps the wrath of God.)

Howdy do it? Bobby Zemeckis surprised all of us by making part trois the first Sci-Fi Western Adventure Comedy Romance, a feat not repeated until Cowboys & Aliens. But don't panic - all the questions and mysteries and cliffhangers and dangling threads from Part II will be resolved: Will Marty get back to the present again, again? Will Doc power up his f[l]ux capacitor? Will Marty finally stop being so easily triggered? Will a Tannen NOT end up in Jones' proprietary poop? Will Marty invent the moonwalk, frisbeeing and kevlar? Will Marty's ginger Irish ancestor Seamus McFly learn that punching your enemy repeatedly in the face is better than shooting them dead? Actually some of those are questions from this film. Well, yeehaw'd it here first.Discussed in this episode:A universal logo that can only be used by one company - haha! [thigh slap]The most re-used footage in the history of cinema (I mean... it could be!!)Our electrocution experiencesGiving yourself more time with your sweetheart via time travelThe time there were 4 time machines at the same timeThe most remote drive-in cinema in the continental United StatesMcFly McInbreedingThe popular public shittoonMichael J. HangedDoc's breakneck scale-model construction skills19th century falsified bootyliciousnessTomb stone inscription level-jumpingThe lost clothing technology that allowed one to crap in one's pants without consequenceJoseph Gillen - inventor of barbed wire.When it stopped being socially acceptable to drink at 8amWhatever happened to Marshall "Discipline Is My Copilot" Strickland? Killed then cut.We-don't-stop-for-anything trainsEvidence that Marty's future situation may have slightly improved in one areaVerne's immortalised come-hither-to-my-wiener gesture(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:25)

A sequel that's almost three movies for the price of one: a wacky futurist escapade to rescue Marty's disown-worthy children from just one of what is certain to be thousands of shameful misadventures over the course of their lives; a grim darkest-timeline nightmare reality that's eerily comparable to Trump's America in which Marty has lost one father but gained two double-Ds; and a complete re-run of the events from the first film, only now with dishonest gambling, porno magazines and attempted vehicular manslaughter.Ooh la la, indeed!Discussed in this episode:The dulcet tones of AC/DC/ElmoNew shoes and new ShueA life erased - Marty's un-Butterfly-Effected memory-hungry-hungry hippocampusJeffrey Weissman playing Crispin Glover playing George McFlyThe three people you'd want serving you Pepsi: Michael Jackson, Ronald Reagan and Ayatollah Khomeini.Biff > Cliff? > GriffThe future gizmo on the top of every serial killer's wish list: the Insta-Unconsciousifier.Biff's astonishingly impressive time machine operating skills despite no lessons or experienceMarty's inhumanly dominant genesMarty giving everyone in Hill Valley the keys to the 4x4 of his self-confidence by flipping off his nut every time someone compares him to a domesticated bird bred for meat and eggsThe Biff-impossibly-returning-to-the-future-he-left-rather-than-the-new-future-he-created plot chasmSetting up that Doc has a DicRobert Zemeckis' possible obsession with Rubbin ZemelonsThe rise and fall of Crispin I-want-script-approval-what-the-&*^%? Glover, minus the rise.Everything you need to know about the most three-dimensional character in the series, "3-D".Doc and Marty restoring the timeline... and then some, by shoehorning in a publicised and unexplained "honouring" of George and "commendation" for Doc??Magically auto-playing Deleted Scenes that finally answer the mystery of what happened to Marty's inscrutably subdued and soft-spoken brother, Dave.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:11)

A film with a perfect screenplay... just received a perfect commentar3h^&%#N}*fa$Z@)SH||||PH!! holy cow that was so untrue I wasn't physically able to type it. But seriously, how does a film that contains these story elements - a mum who wants to ride her son's pony; successfully coercing someone into making a move by pretending to be from outer space and threatening to melt their brain; a scheme to fake an act of heroism by creating a real victim of molestation; pine breeding; reefer addiction; and Kombi-driving Libyan terrorists with AK-47s and RPGs - become one of the most acclaimed and beloved family-friendly sci-fi adventure mega hits of all time? I'll tell you how: by being straight-up LIT.Discussed in this episode:Titles de-crispifying 4K qualityHow Marty met DoccyJoe's majorly flawed "nested problem" story structure thesisDoc miraculously managing to reverse the Delorean out of his van when the interior is inexplicably filled with an entire fire-extinguisher's-worth of opaque smokeDoc and Marty's transgressive she'll-be-right attitude towards a cell of Libyan terrorists eager to detonate a nuclear device on American soilThe 50s signage "S" that's halfway to being an underscoreChristopher Lloyd's ageless agednessDave McFly's life without a headMarty's obliviousness to Lorraine's raging hornyness for him and George's obliviousness to her raging un-hornyness for Biff (although he catches on in the car scene)Biff's weirdly prolonged pre-rape(?) warm-up routineThe ultimate One Punch Can Kill / BTTF crossover commercial campaignThe Pimply-Gingernut-Dance-Hijacking-Butterfly Effect in actionChuck Berry, plagiaristAustralian terrorismDoc's unforgivably amateur cablingUniversal Studios queue-jumping a-holes, family-sizeThe no-second-hand-on-the-clock potential plot-hole [that dissipates when you realise, post-commentary, that the clock would of course still have a second GEAR, allowing the exact second that the clock stopped to be determinable]Doc's complete abandoning of his no-messing-with-the-future principleMarty's living nightmare as a complete stranger to everyone in his lifeBack to the Future Part IV - The Dark Night of Marty's SoulDoc's radioactive sploogetonium(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:51)

It's time to put the final, face-scarring nail in the coffin of our mini-series obsessed with "TWIN FILMS"! The digital files will corrupt and disintegrate over time, but the memories will last forever.Snow White and the Huntsman may have been marred in controversy on its release, thanks to an indiscreet US-Weekly-captured tonsil hockey tournament between its director and lead star; the non-dwarf-washing of seven of its characters; and the "intense sequences of violence and action, and brief sensuality" that earned it a PG-13... but it also gave us Teen Choice "Hissy Fit" Award Winner Charlize Theron taking a milk bath, which directly led to her gold-bath Dior J'Adore perfume campaign, so who is anyone to complain?IMPORTANTÉ NOTÉ: This is the EXTENDED VERSION of the film, with presumably several added scenes that expand on character and runtime and shorten Rita's patience.Discussed in this episode:Physical is the shizzical (media, not love)Crossbow weddingsThe Mirror-1000 from Reflecternator 2: Judging People Based On Their Appearance DayHow this film inspired more than one fragrance commercialHorse = perfume. Huh?Great mud moviesDirector Rupert Sanders' ill-advised Method approach to creating jealousy between his two female leads (as per his failed excuse to his cuckquean wife of 12 years)The Forest of the Tripping BallsElizabeth Bathory's bubble-bathoriesTrolls - just put them face-to-face with an attractive woman and they'll shit themselves and run awayRupert Sanders literally putting his blood (and semen) into this filmA million white butterflies all deciding to go stagPrince Charming charmingly murdering innocent villagers in his pursuit of So TiteThe most anticipated sequel in history - The Huntsman: Winter's WTFCrawling-through-viscous-liquids acting from an Oscar WinnerTrue love's drunken, tear-moistened, non-consensual necro-kiss shall awakenThe dwarves being forced to swim through herbivorous dysentery to save S. White's army from being completely slaughteredKristen Stewart + Diana Prince of Wales = [boing sound effect] Don'tcha wish your ruler was fair like me? Don'tcha?The Queen's need to switch to life force 91 + ethanol to save on peasantsRita sharing something in common with Brad Pitt's penis: getting into both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.Original Sin's non-unsimulated sex scene, complicated by Jolie's infuriating body tattoos. Note to all actors: if you are lucky enough to have a job where you get paid to have fun, make yourself a blank canvas so producers don't think twice about hiring you because they'd have to spend 10x as much time and money on body makeup, you gits.Experts in sex - ew.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:25)

It's been a moment since we've done one of these, but what better film to restart the engine with than everyone's second-favourite 2012 live-action adaptation of the fairy-tale of Snow White? It may also be the perfect film to clog the engine permanently, but we'll see what happens. This will probably be the last of our twin-film double-features - Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman - what a triumphant way to close out the category! Which film provides the most re-imaginative re-imagining of a classic and still-applicable tale of desperately clinging to one's looks to the detriment of all those around? It's gonna be fu[n]**** finding out!Discussed in this episode:The original fairy-tale's burn-the-villain's-feet-until-she-dies-of-shock happy endingArmie (I-Will-Kill-You-With-A) Hammer (And-Eat-You)Casting dwarves to play dwarves. Obvious, really.Julia Roberts' unevenly-named childrenStripper polesArmie's refusal to shave his chest but enthusiastic consent to eating human fleshIrresponsibly-depicted kicks from horses that are played for comedy and don't sever the character's spinal cord and kill them instantly or, at best, paralyse them for lifeI'm-a-dog-now actingSarc - noun (Artmannian, informal) - a sarcophagusThe Missing DinklagePhil Collins, star of HookEddard Stark heading out of Game of Thrones early so he can cameo in this motion pictureChanging genre to Bollywood musical in the last five minutesClearly replacing Julia's "gross" and probably great hag makeup with last-minute digital craftmanshitIs that Phil Collins or James Taylor? It's BOTH! One night only.The problem with Toy Story 2(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:45)

We're back from another hiatus! I can't guarantee there won't be multiple hiati to come! But when opportunity presents itself to us, like a babboon, we will jump on it, like a babboon. Speaking of babboons, it's time to pop out the twin film of 1999's Entrapment, 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair. It's gotta be a record for time between twins, but we got there in the end. Which is the better female-insurance-investigator-looks-into-theft-of-valuable-painting-which-leads-her-to-become-intimately-involved-with-wealthy-art-thief-portrayed-by-ex-James-Bond-actor film from 1999? Turns out... the results were evenly split!Discussed in this episode:Lion sexOpening titles that give away the plotMonet neggingGreco-Russian-Romanian-Trojan-sardine horsingPublic liability insurance in event of burning down the Metropolitan Museum of ArtThomas Crown's Joker-inspired expendable clowns tacticPierce Brosnan's wealthy, womanising gentleman aestheticThermal cameras, because normal cameras would show the art too well and therefore be distractingThis film requiring a German translator if viewed on Amazon PrimeAladdin's Unwarranted Surveillance ServicesClaude Monet's reusable canvas techniqueAdam = God's chosen. Eve = Adam's rib.Pierce Brosnan being given the directing note to NOT act like there's something in his buttThomas Crown's never-seen full-time covert photograph takerThe packed-cases-by-the-door-signifying-oh-shit-they're-leaving-me tropeTricking your actors into assaulting each otherRazor blades in soap bars causing bloody suddiesMagritte sucking at drawing faces but excelling at drawing applesDa Vinci's hypothetical outrage over Mona Lisa feverHow the 👑 did Crown steal the second painting when we're explicitly shown he can't get into the room?Not discussed in this episode:The fact that this film is a remake of a film of the same name, starring Faye Dunaway aka the weird, inconsequential and possibly imaginary psychiatrist.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:06)

We're back from hiatus and stronger than ever! (1% strength instead of zero).And it's time for another pair of twin films! This time it's the 1999 female-insurance-investigator-looks-into-theft-of-valuable-painting-which-leads-her-to-become-intimately-involved-with-wealthy-art-thief-portrayed-by-ex-James-Bond twofer of Entrapment and The Thomas Crown Affair. The only difference in this version is a 39-year age gap between the romantic leads, whereas Thomas Crown elected to go with a gap one 39th as large. Still, you barely notice the difference.Discussed in this episode:Proportional box office successConnery's cost-saving Scottish self-driving techniqueAdvancements in blinds technologyCalling someone at 4:30am and being upset when they don't answerThe first and last words Michael Douglas said to Catherine Zeta-JonesStealing a woman's entire wardrobe to force her to sleep naked, which she apparently does anyway"Soup to nuts" explainedGetting hung up on movie hang upsUnderwater scuba stand-ins (swim-ins?)Security guard change-overs: providing thieves with crucial windows of opportunity since 1850Skin-tight CGI Marvel costumesA 30-second refusing-the-job bluff worth 3 billion dollarsCovering up CZJ's naked body because ewThe surefire way to a beautiful woman's heart: drowning her and setting her up to be killed. She'll be putty in your arthritic hands.Amainda Seyfried stealing timeSteel construction cables only rated to hold up light bulbsAllowing the international art thief a courtesy minute to confer with his criminal partnerThe least popular train platform in Kuala LumpurA billion dollars not being enough petty cash to live off comfortably, necessitating a South African blood diamond heistCompelling evidence that this is a film about two ghosts with natural teleporting abilitiesHome-and-contents insurance companies with globe-trotting undercover agentsPutting your on-set standby carpenter to good use(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:18)

AKA Everything You've Never Wanted To Know About Han Solo And Were Too Narratively Astute To Ask. Alden Ehrenreich plays Youngen Han Nosquad in this planet-hopping adventure that features raw, unrefined coaxium/storytelling, a robot with a 20,000rpm internal sex drive and the Millennium Pelican. You'll never watch Star Wars the same way again. Heck - why would anyone want to? - it's not like it's a beloved film or anything.Discussed in this episode:Han's dice - his most prized retconned possessionThe origin of the House of UnaccompaniedThe Star Wars films I choose to acknowledge (correction - Return of the Jedi is definitely included in this, bringing the total to 5.5* [*only half-acknowledging Rogue One])Matthewoody McConaugharrelsonMy learnin' German journeyIt's never a poor bet to bet on Paul BettanyDryden Vos' mood scarsLEGO videogame plotting, except not fun, awesome and charmingJames Marsden in Sex DriveRon Howard casting his brother and lovechildThe unofficial Solo: A Star Wars Story random name drinking gamePhil Tippet getting exhumed once again to provide stop motion chessboard fan serviceFinally explaining why the Millennium Falcon is referred to as a "she" and where it got its "most peculiar dialect". Mystery solved - call off the 40-year-long investigation.Gonk™ sighting!Distracting Lando with the task of transcending his robot-with-benefitsThe NeverEnding Story IIDave-o VosThe totally-not-complicated "less than 12 parsecs" plot hole copePeter Serafinowicz: Lucasfilm's favourite person to mistreat, other than the average Star Wars fanThe future of Star Wars Stories(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 5:02)

We left a couple of glaring, gaping holes in our Star Wars commentary coverage, and I apologise profusely. I can't imagine how many nights you've lain awake tormented by uncertainty as to how exactly the Rebellion stole the plans to the dreaded Death Star, or how Han Solo acquired his surname. Rest assured, we will fill these holes, answer these urgent questions and restore order to the galaxy, starting with Rogue One: A Star Wars Anecdote.Discussed in this episode:Dooming your daughter to a life of crime and imprisonment instead of just accepting a high-paying job in the lap of luxuryIf a mountain-sized Jedi statue falls and no one's around, do people just assume it was carved that way?Way-too-familiar real estate agent strangers from two years in the pastPlanet hurtersForest Whitaking it to Ham City and far, far beyondBor Gullet.Rita's showering fetishGalen's second big flaw - neglecting to simply tell Jyn, face to face, where the first flaw is on the Death StarSaw Gerrera's fully necessary sacrificeAnthony Daniels being uncharacteristically saltyDonnie Yen underbidding Jet Li by an uncool 6 mil [this is a clearly incorrect, as Felicity Jones was reportedly the highest-paid actor at only 1 million]ALWAYS taking a percentage of the gross over up-front paymentOverplayed my-legs-are-at-weird-angles-because-I-fell-awkwardly physical acting choicesVader hiring Sauron's architectural design teamJames Earl Jones voice appWhat if the Empire... was good?The Rainbowllion is reborn, baby! 🌈The Cushing SeanceRIP Blue SquadronDeath Star Destroyer name confusionWhere Star Wars made its first mistake, Luke & Han reunion blueballs, the problematic lesson of Beru & Owen, Palpaterrible, George Lucrative.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:32)

Psycho made you afraid of motels... Jaws made you afraid of the ocean... Get Out confirmed your existing fear of white people...Now Don't Breathe is here to make you afraid of the visually impaired.And to teach you an important lesson in morality: Don't Steal.Unless you're inadvertently stealing from someone committing worse crimes than you're committing and you're ultimately cool with losing a couple of your criminal partners along the way, in which case, by all means, steal, because crime pays way more than it costs.Man in the Dark (Alternative Title, and description of half the population when they sleep)The Rolls Royce of self-publicisingStealing to supplement your comfortable wealthDon't Breathe 2's Alternative TitlesTurning your closet light on so your hidden intruders can clearly see your secret safe, even though you're blind and don't require the lightBeing chained up and immobilised in a basement but still managing to keep a handy newspaper clipping on your person that details the circumstances that led you to this situationHow to extricate yourself from the popular lying-atop-a-cracking-glass-surface scenarioDon't Toilet BreakAlex's unkillabilityTurkey basting like it's the first timeAdding lone hairs to your props to increase realism. Huh?A semenly all-natural, porno-inspired milky concoctionAlex's Dad's home alarm systems not only guaranteeing your home will be broken into but featuring alarms that give you aneurysmsDylan Minnette's recurring Grey's Anatomy Halloween human trophy hunterThanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:20)

A more accurate title would be Confronting Angry. Paul Walker stars as the worst gangster, son, husband, father and undercover fed you've ever been threatened by with a loaded pistol as you hold your crying baby in your arms. He's about to give his next door neighbour's already-abused kid a first-hand education in drug dens, pimps, prostitutes, corrupt cops, child abduction, plastic bag asphyxiation, mass gun violence and maternal suicide. But he looks pretty happy about it in the final freeze-frame so... yay?Cameron Bright gravitating to roles that consist of multiple childhood traumasQuentin Tarantino calling when you're out of the houseShotguns with the power of circus cannonsBeing nominated by your peers for a StinkerJoey Gazelle's turn ons: surviving shootouts and the washNot seeking help for your John Wayne fixationSurgically reclaiming your investment into your prostitute's fake titsCasting call: "18-64 years. Naked stripper with pussy that's not that hot."Top-deckingThe benefits of having an extra Paul Walker on setThe nicest-looking location in the film just happening to be a place where many children have been abused, tortured and killedIf the strange couple who take you to their home have extended fingers and/or ears while appearing in frosted glass silhouette, RUN!The 20-minute movie in the middle of the movie that should have been the whole movieThis film having a Mastercard ad campaign parody connection to our previous Commentary Fairy, The Town? Priceless.What happens when there's no referee to put a stop to the ice hockey violence12 years undercover wearing a microphone with a bad signal and lying to your wife instead of just shooting the bad guys from the startBlowing yourself up because you can't bear the pain of waiting three minutes for your son to get homeLemony Snicket's A Series of Closing TitlesPaul Walker, in his own words, lucking out with the attractiveness level of the actress he has to fake chowThanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 4:00)

Get ready to be deeply Affleck-ted by a Lively, Renner-gade group of bank robbers making Hamm-fisted attempts to steal Hall the money in Boston. And if you think you won't be able to sympathise with the hero, just you Postlethwaite - because in addition to being an unreformed criminal, he's also a dishonest boyfriend, absentee father, committer of extreme off-court ice hockey violence against complete strangers and still somehow suffers from a superiority complex. Welcome ta Chaaztaan ya toonie fwaak.John The-Artist-Formerly-Middle-Named-Cougar MellencampMr Andrews going down with the bank, and Jem later claiming to have gone down on himBaffleck filmsRebecca Hall = hope for a better, brighter future with scarves.Blake Lively = herpes.Jeremy Renner's alleged Snapchat chodesnapJeremy Renner's immersive Charlestown character researchThe 4-hour version's additional scenesFull-body nun habits to complete your armored-car-robbery personaWhat bank robbing mask defines you?Getting little kids to cry for the shotSkeletons, nuns, stripper copsThe dumbest cash room guards since sliced bread trucksRita's criminal actsAppreciation for realistic head shootingTaking a few seconds to proclaim "prick!" instead of shooting first and saving yourself from a painful death? Priceless.Batman found!Disclaimer: Charlestown isn't all badRising to fame as a naked assDuck soupThanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:54)

As if driving a cab in L.A. wasn't enough to deal with."Hey! It's a beautiful night for a murder in the City of Angles - hell, make it five murders - I'm feelin' generous! Four overweight witnesses, most with zero protection or discretion, and one complete non-liability - the prosecuting attorney - as a bonus. Why not? Let's go for the straight flush so no-one from the other side of the aisle shows up to court and we win by forfeit.    Love, Felix."Discussed in this episode:Katie Holmes-Cruise-FoxxIsles, islands and isletsSlapgateThe activities you engage with in the last moments before you're murderedCustomising your commands to suit your captive's professionWhy do the cops need Max to pop the trunk?Guessing a stranger's ass size from audio aloneLeonardo DiCaprio's less fortunate brother, TheonardoUsing the tight moves of a fictitious homicidal super-assassin to teach correct gun control in the real worldEnforced jazz appreciationWhen the stakes of pub trivia reach life-or-death"And the Oscar goes to Mark Ruufff--yylance!!"The Tom Cruise Run™Black Pedro's ambiguous burrosVincent's inability to memorise two addresses, one of which he's already visitedEvery actor considered for the roles of Max and Vincent = every actor working at the time"Lucky with the lights" - secret foreshadowing discoveredFilms in which Tom Cruise dies - the gameThanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 4:46)

The most attacked government building of 2013 continues its winning streak. This time, the Die Hard allusions even extend to the lead character's name (John [Mc]Cale) and costume design. But the good news is, the 17 years since Independence Day has clearly mellowed Roland Emmerich - now choosing to destroy his target piecemeal with bullets, rockets and arson rather than blow it to smithereens with a single alien particle beam.Discussed in this episode:Rita's 40-second action limitMaggie Gyllenhaal's resting flirt voiceGlass front doors. Don't.Old White Man House DownCountries that changed their name for the worseJob interview for the Presidency - go!John Cale: serial hitter-n-quitterRita's job interview conflict of interest traumaResumé cakeThe headache of evenly paying all your terrorist buddies after the mission is completedDie Hard's blonde, brother-mourning Fabio pyschio in a different wrapper"Sir, you need to include this line in your script to wake the audience up"President Ford's swimming shorts self-consciousness costing American taxpayers millions of dollarsThe army's upper age limitThe American flag falling at ten times the speed of Olympus Has Fallen but with equal emotional impact (anything multiplied with zero is still zero)Insulting a beautiful John SmithObama approved™Submarine missile launching assholesSpends entire film trying to save daughter from dangerous environment. Ends film by inviting daughter to stay with him in dangerous environment.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:41)

2013 will always be remembered as the year the White House fell down twice, which is usually the sign that a building is not going to live to see another full year. The twin film is the less-ambiguously-titled White House Down (coming next). This film takes the more grim, violent approach of the two and plays like someone dusted off and loosely rewrote a rejected Die Hard sequel script that involves North Korea executing a plot to remotely detonate all the nuclear missiles in America BEFORE they're fired. (It also takes the dumber approach of the two films.)Discussed in this episode:The US box office rewarding punctuality over enjoyabilityThe original "secret" of the Secret ServiceDylan McDermott MulroneyCompletely invisible falling objects - always a hazard when drivingKang the White House ConquerorLeisurely running from giant collapsing monuments, with fatal resultsThe body part you're prepared to lose when you sign up to be handcuffed-to-the-Football manDisgruntled former Secret Service agents telling the world the best way to infiltrate the building they swore to protect with their livesThe supernatural foresight of this script: we don't know what's going in North Korea but what if they hate America?The Schwarzenegger-style post-kill one-liner this film desperately neededWhy Abraham Lincoln chose to attach his name to the bedroomMorgan Freeman collecting a paycheque, in his own wordsYour favourite actor with an occupation for a surnameWhich administration installed the surface-to-air missile turrets on the roof? Feels like a Jackie Kennedy renovation.The best Butler film (it's not The Butler)(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:46)

Chasing Liberty was chased to the cinemas in 2004 by First Daughter, which ironically came second, both historically and financially. But is it actually the better film? Is Michael Keaton the better president? Is Marc Blucas the better love interest? Does Katie Holmes look better in a fuzzy pink cowgirl hat or a $10,000 Vera Wang ballgown? All will be debated and the winner will be re-elected for a second term.Discussed in this episode:Story by Jerry O'Connell? OK.#neverbehappywithyourlifeStaying under the radar by rolling up to college with the entire Secret Service in towThong-wearing, PG-slutting, homicidally-desperate-for-attention roommatesThe most hated President in cinema, for undivulged reasonsAccidental hot body revealNever mix chocolate and popcornSkipping second base and going straight to force-her-to-watch-me-fishAir Fat OneHard floppingSpontaneous dackings always making the final cut of a Whitaker jointForest's negative-20-million-dollar take-home profit, most likely thanks to Chasing Liberty beating his film to the rebellious-teenage-daughter-of-the-president-experiences-fun-for-the-first-time punch(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:02)

We're continuing our series of twin films by spending four weeks at the White House - guests of the Biden administration. No that's not true. But we are doing four White-House-centric films. (No prizes for guessing the second set of twins.)One of the lesser-known and yet most egregious examples of twin filmage is the 2004 duo of Chasing Liberty and First Daughter, with almost identical plots involving the President's somehow-uninstitutionalised daughter shrugging off the essential security that protects her from getting her head sawn off on YouTube and falling in love with a guy who turns out to be just another one of her Daddy's Secret Service agents, only this time, young and spongeworthy.Discussed in this episode:Singer first, actor second, and vice versaIgnorance of American political partiesButt double dishonestyThe Secret Agent Awards - penalties apply for turning up non-incognitoWhere are all the frozen chips???Ben's phoning fixation"At first it was a job/bet/mission/fix-up/scam, but then I fell in love!" (and I strategically waited until after we'd boned to tell you this)President Foster's long con to govern his daughter's life-long sexual historyThe secret message the film leaves you with, courtesy of a London landmarkMandy Moore III, tenth in line to the throne of Moore(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 4:40)

From the $4-million-dollar pen of Shane "Every Day Is Christmas" Black comes the tale of an everyday mild-mannered homemaker with focal retrograde amnesia who goes to suicidally extreme lengths to prove the truism, "blondes have more fun". Dragged along for the ride is an indestructible singing detective, a daughter who thinks she's a tire iron and all the President's worst men, who will stop at nothing to procure this year's Christmas bonus.Discussed in this episode:Are you a Thelma or a Louise?Framed photos - who has the time.Deer neck...     Today I snapped you.Shane Black love da pussy [jokes]!British comedy series emigrating to America and changing their names to "I. Suck Johnson".Nuclear grenadesProps to the duck/dick artistDavid Morse - baddy or zaddy?Tim Burton Prefers BlondesWhere Dr Evil gets all his inspiration for disposing of Austin PowersAn anagram that would make Tom Riddle enviousMale assassin - shoot target.Female assassin - have sex with target, then shoot target.Defrosting Osama Fridge Laden for the Christmas fireworks displayDie a minute after having screamed, motherf#&$*!Catty 1994 NY Times articlesIron Man 3, AACTA, Australian actaas, the Australian national anthem, enforced choir duties, guitar ensemble, uncoordinated cooking and other relevant topics.Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 3:48)

Where there's a Willis, there's a Wayan. In one instance at least.Despite being a film that would seemingly dredge up a stadium-ful of bad memories for Bruce Willis, Tony Scott, Joel Silver and Shane Black... it's actually not a bad time, thanks mostly to Shane Black's script, or at least, whatever remains of it after Willis and Silver tried to punch it up by breaking off its nasal bone into its brain cavity.Discussed in this episode:Getting fatally tangled up in the Wayans family treeGreat ball control, not-so-great gun controlBruce Willis' permanent hangoverRecklessly timed cheatingSteamy, sweaty, smokey, nasty 90s chicThe most spectacular failure in the history of hired protectionHallenbeck's wildly inconsistent bodyguard career:Flashback 1) dives in front of two bullets to protect his client.Flashback 2) breaks into his client's bathroom and punches them in the face.Jimmy's super bad luck with women he DixThe naivety of assuming that players pulling firearms and shooting other players would hurt football viewershipAwkward-as-hell old-school one-camera celebrity interviews with faked, after-the-fact interviewer coverage (eg: https://youtu.be/SNVy9Woniqk?t=451) (See also - a critical plot point in Broadcast News)Armed, hero-guarding henchmen possessing the kind of trust that would allow an unfaithful wife to sleep with the entire city of Los Angeles and never get caughtThe most conflict-free film production since Apocalypse NowOwnership of the football team still not entitling you to a decent parking spaceIgnoring the potential collateral damage of a bomb going off in a residential area because yay - we got the bad guy!Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 6:57)

Eddie Murphy has directed exactly one movie over the course of his career, and given this is Eddie Murphy we're talking about, it's guaranteed to be a mean-spirited, laugh-an-hour period crime comedy-drama, hold the comedy, in which he plays a heartless, homicidal sociopath. Wait- huh??To be fair and true, we hadn't seen this film before and we definitely missed at least 50% of what happened, given that we got every character's name wrong at least once - sometimes two-dozen - and also given the resounding refrain of "what just happened??"The only thing worse than watching a film for the first time with the commentary on is recording a commentary for a film you're watching for the first time. Don't try this outside of home.Discussed in this episode:Bullet wounds to the forehead that don't bleed = rare.Rita correctly identifying "Biscuit" from Life (1999) and Joe incorrectly identifying him as Arsenio Hall and then having his world upturned when the real Arsenio Hall turns up later and shares the screen with the guy who looks like Biscuit because he really is Biscuit.High on the list of jobs that should be hard to fail at: accurately reading the result of dice rolls.The most popular suit colour - it's not what you'd expect!A betting fake-out ploy that's too complicated and sports-centric for Joe's brainEddie Murphy's most frequent directing note: "concentrate on the nipples".Totally unnecessary toying, shagging and deceiving characters when you're ultimate objective is to just kill themBanks that have been abandoned for five years but someone's still paying the Energex billOld-school film credits obsessed with periodsDangerous Intentions and Cruel LiaisonsShort schoolgirl skirts (say it 3x fast) [but not if you're in public]Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 2:49)

It's time to do some requests and what better film to start with than a space horror starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds and one teed-off extra-terrestrial protozoan!Whoops - that was a mix-up - this is actually the 1999 period prison comedy starring Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence that plays like The Shawshank Redemption and Of Mice and Men had a baby and its skin tone freaked out the owner of the farm.Discussed in this episode:The Nutty Professor III: Big Momma In Da Big HouseNorway - your one-stop destination for lax homicide punishmentThe days of public toilet assistants, when you were guaranteed to have at least one person listening to you shit, and then be forced to interact with that person just afterwardsSpanky, Hanky and BumpyThe illest (fitting) suitsProstitute testimonialsWrongfully AccusedDiscrimination in colour-themed surnamesAn actor who isn't Lionel RitchieThe chemical properties of cornbreadJoe-Man and the Wasp: QuitealotofpainiaRita: film plot prophet, or plotphetIlliteracy continuity failOld age walking = I just shat my pantsRick Baker makeup ageing vs Eddie Murphy's real-life non-ageing"Hey, there's two bodies missing from the morgue - that's weird. Oh I know! Let's just replace them with the bodies from that mysterious fire we just had!"Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion!(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 4:27)

Are you listening closely?Because this is important: If you haven't seen this film, I urge you to stop reading this (actually I should urge you to stop reading anything I've written in general) and see - nay, experience - it for yourself. COPIOUS SPOILERS AHEAD - you've been warned and we can't be held accountable.Now that's out of the way, it's time to empty a water-escape tankful of praise on Chris Nolan's greatest trick - an endlessly rewatchable, time-jumping, show-stopping, bird-smashing Batman v Wolverine Dawn of Just Awesomeness battle of the duelling diaries with more turns than a seabird documentary and bigger twists than a Twizzler the size of the Burj Khalifa. "The secret impresses no one"? Well call me no one.Discussed in this episode:Which Borden Is That? - a thoroughly researched, comprehensive (and occasionally contested by Rita) breakdown of which Borden brother we're seeing in each scene - Able Al or Foolish FreddieWere the Borden brothers Sarah sharers?Angier's darkly brilliant 100-nights-only Borden trapMagicians getting unfair cred for their assistant's stuntsFreddie's impressively spontaneous home invasion that clinches Sarah's affectionsFallon's suspiciously quick shots and sparse dialogue, despite the highly convincing makeup and voiceBorden and Angier's amazingly effective performance-infiltrating disguisesAlways carry a handkerchief.Bowie!The brilliance of being told the answer to the trick multiple times and never believing itThe brilliance of never fully seeing Borden's trick until the very end, to give us a reason to doubt itThe brilliance of Tesla's electricity in HDRAngier's weird trust in Borden or desperate need for delayed gratification by not reading Borden's keyword note until long after he's surrendered his leverageSingle nostril tear actingThomas Edison: the Al Capone of scienceHey Tesla - maybe let Angier know in your goodbye letter that you actually weren't able to "fix" the machine, so he doesn't unwittingly replicate himself and reactively commit sciencide.What did Sarah know?Invest in a bigger chisel, AlRichie Rich as a slight tangentA film so fascinating you'll be discussing it long after the credits have rolled, or in this case, commentarying long after the disc has played through all the multi-language copyright screens.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 11:52 - jeepers, that holds the record for most interminable intro!)

2006 was the year of 19th century magician movies with obsessed-over tricks and big twists. As with many twin films, one is the recipient of much love and prestige, and the other is a comparative il-loser-ist. But anything to do with magic is worth checking out, if only to be tickled by that age-old question, how did they do that? How did they convince themselves that we would sympathise with [spoilers] a pair of conspiring frauds who frame an innocent man for murder?Discussed in this episode:A stag-gering corridor [clown horn]Actors who picked the wrong twin filmImpossi-pendant™StrudelEisenheim abandoning his family to poverty and death so he can play with oranges and butterfliesThe age of fanningBudapesht, and the ironic wankerage of correct pronunciationScoop, the third 2006 magician film you've also heard ofJake Wood's famous ginger hairPuppet show actors-only lightingPlanting circumstantial evidence (which proves nothing other than two people live in the same house) to frame an innocent man and manipulate him into blowing his brains out to avoid being punished for a crime that never happened. But yay - it's a good thing, because this way they don't have to run away from everything they know and hide out indefinitely.Except they end up doing that anyway so WHAT THE flQ#@(*%t????!?Not discussed in this episode: Why is Edward Norton holding a glowing sphere in all the promotional images? False advertising there.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 04:43)

Having missed out on the opportunity to cap off the Star Wars saga with a wretched disappointment of a final chapter (deferring that honour to JJ Abrams), Colin Trevorrow leapt like a slow-motion raptor on the chance to deliver the bads for the Jurassic saga, but instead delivered a film that's arguably no worse than the previous two Worlds. His methods? Excavating legacy cast; ignoring all logic to have Wu inexplicably continue creating huge killer dinosaurs without legal interference; and devoting 30% of screen-time to oversized agricultural pests.Discussed in this episode:T-Rex hogging all the big carnivorous dinosaur limelightHollywood Photoshopping fails [select all]Owen Grady's infallible hypno-handDinosaur Bone Powder™ - your secret solution to 24 hours of petrified woodLack of full-frontal slow-motion bird running video referenceDinosaur tattoos - not just for 9-year-oldsBiosyn's secret, under-the-radar crop-killing scheme, utilising impossibly gigantic locusts for that extra layer of inconspicuousnessMaisie's parents, as declared by every character in the filmStill selecting the exact WRONG species of reptile to fill in the DNA sequence gaps. I'm sure there's a lot of reptiles out there that simply cannot change sex or reproduce asexually but for some reason, Wu's never met one of them.Wu's locust scheme making as much sense as using cancer to spread the cure for cancerDilophosawwwww-rusThe origin of the giant insect A-plotJustice for Giganotosaurus, a true innocentAccidentally relocated lines of dialogueTherizinosaurus committing involuntary dinoslaughterThe largest creature that's ever lived (we all need to know this fact)Colin Trevorrow cathartically purging the emotional baggage from the death of his parents by killing tyrannosaurus rex in the Extended Edition prologueThe IMDb-trivia-exclusive concept of "temporary killing"(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 05:26)

Michael Bay's worst movie, according to Michael Bay (has he seen his other ones?), is Deep Impact's worst nightmare: another movie about a space rock heading for Earth, releasing less than two months later, with a bigger budget and bigger stars. Fortunately, Armageddon takes an entirely different approach to the premise and turns it into an action movie about drilling, along the way providing the greatest love ballad about FOMO ever written by Liv Tyler's surprise dad.Discussed in this episode:Australia's beautifully-named desertsEditing on speedTommy Lee Jones not marrying Pamela AndersonBen Affleck almost logic-policing himself out of the filmWhat came first to this movie - Liv Tyler or her dad, Steven Tyler from Aerosmith? Mystery SOLVED.Leftover Deep Impact issues - comet drilling was proved ultimately unnecessary; the Biedermans were lying jerkholes."Japan and Australia will be wiped out by the wave" - did the screenwriter know or care that Australia is 20 times bigger than Japan?Space: the final patent-free frontierOil driller = ex-con.Bay's well-documented un-chillness that belies his hairGot Michael?Peanut butter choking fearBruce Willis' countdown to full-blown baldnessOwen Wilson - career cowboyGatling guns, in case there's a Predator on the asteroidRed telephone = direct line to POTUSWhat really happened to Notre DameSmall-scale Extinction Level EventsWrenches (the saviour of Earth was an inanimate carbon rod)Which is the better space rock movie with straw drawing?(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 04:34)

1998 was the year that Hollywood finally cottoned on to the idea that a comet colliding with Earth and wiping out all life was rich dramatic soil to plant its weeds in. Hence, Deep Impact and Armageddon, released mere weeks apart - possibly the quintessential example of the rival film productions phenomenon. One went the thoughtful, intelligent, realistic route, and the other has Steve Buscemi developing "space madness" and unloading a Gatling gun on a comet.Get ready for the Comet-ary to end all life!Discussed in this episode:Ignorance of Extinction Level Events is blissAstronomy software with built-in sound effectsThe Polka-Dot House, 1600 Pennsylvania AvenueRussian Cold-War-era space nukes, because America never put nukes in spaceIf you're an extra spontaneously offered a line, mention the correspondence between fame and poontang, and watch the offers roll in.The reason the Messiah mission fails: lack of off-shore oil drilling prowess.Dying alone in space, Going down with the ship, and other fun ways to close out.Elijah Wood's family lucking out HUUUUGE because their son once put eye to telescopeMarry me if you want to livePossibly the worst time to commit suicide - right before a comet is going to obliterate you anyway and save you the troubleImpersonating animals to sneak onto the ArkThe absurdity that the Messiah crew kamikaze-ing into the comet wasn't ALWAYS Plan CEric the Cameraman not giving up his seat on the chopper for a woman and babySteven Spielberg - Access All Areas.Coming out of the Ark and reuniting with everyone who wasn't selected. Cue once-in-a-millennia-level awkwardness.The only way to lend credence to astrology: culling the population to a single star-sign and documenting the global chaos of identical, competing personalities.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 05:00)

[WHOOPS! Thought this was posted a week ago. Never trusting Patreon's scheduling feature again. Apologies to our millions of listeners.]Remember when a "real-life" TV show following a person who is famous simply for being famous was a novel concept? Nobody does - that's what makes this film such a curiosity, except in this instance Matthew McConaughey only injured the cat. Of course, it's unfair and unrealistic to lay all the blame for what became erroneously known as "Reality TV" at the feet of EdTV. It's also impossible, as those feet are already buried under 6 feet of concrete as per the instructions of everyone involved in the making of this blasphemy.Discussed in this episode:Total recall of every day of your lifeThe Truman Show? (2023)Why does the malfunctioning rain nozzle always follow me... ♫Ellen De-gender-biasWhen Woody met HarryThe San Francisco street that's in every movieThings you can forget overnight: you signed your life away to a 24-hour live TV show. So you understandably wake up and grope yourself.Illuminated chilli lights, personal bathroom condom dispensers, apartment vending machines and other distracting incongruities from a production designer fresh out of the asylumThe inspiration for every future reality TV producer who traffics in human suffering, manipulation and indignityDennis Hopper on loan from SpeedElizabeth Hurley providing penis enlargement in more ways than oneThe most chasmic gulf in twin quality?Ron Howard immediately seeking out this film's missing ingredient for his next attempt at a feature comedyInter(not-so)stellar(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 05:14)

In 1998/1999, Hollywood first started thinking "Hey- what if an ordinary, everyday, real-life nobody with a boring job and no performing arts skills was the star of the show?" The first product this idea gave us was Peter Weir's 1998's psychological sci-fi satire masterpiece The Truman Show. Everything it gave us after that was an endless tide of turd, more commonly referred to as "Reality TV". And floating in that tide you'll also find 1999's EdTV, the frightfully unworthy "twin" to this film, which we'll suffer through in the next 'tary.But for now, it's time to tune into Seahaven, where Truman Burbank himself is just about to start the day with a 5-minute improvised mirror routine followed by a 23-minute bowl of cereal + commercial breaks.Discussed in this episode:Capturing a person's entire life on video - now REALITY!! 😱Acting contracts to rival Marvel StudiosThe Truman Show's homeless: series regularsSylvia's failure to say the words "TV show" or "5000 cameras" in her hurried explanation to Truman that seemingly sparked zero paranoia or scrutiny in him for the ensuing years leading up to the present (probably due to her failure to mention the 5000 cameras)The Truman Show delusion. (assuming it's not real. Wait-- IS it real? Am I being watched?..)Twin actorsFinger-crossing incorrectly translated by Joe DumbThe Rita ShowSearching for Truman by marching in a long, connected line - in case he's hiding outdoors, in the open, on flat terrain.SlothThe sequel we need(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 05:15)

Dante's Peak's competition for volcanic supremacy in the year 1997 was the dumbification-of-humanity-proof-titled Volcano, starring action hero Tommy Lee Jones and rivers of methylcellulose, the thickening agent used in fast-food milkshakes. Once known as the City of Angels, it will forever now be known as the City of Ancient Holes (From Which Lava Oozes Forth). Join us as we dance the pyroclastic fantastic and answer the big question that's on everybody's ash-choked lips: WHO VOLCANO'd BETTER? 🌋🏆Discussed in this episode:The 3 most memorable moments of this film, according to a 20-year long scientific studySpecial appearance by Two-FaceTommy Lee's natural waterline eye makeupThe photogenicity of the La Brea Tar Pits - film v realityPromoting failure to quit smokingFireproof American flagsThe most vexatious daughter character in cinema?Hanging off a fire engine ladder instead of sitting on top of itWas the subway self-sacrifice truly necessary?10 men lifting a concrete barrier with their bare hands because they forgot about vehicles for a minute thereThe one reason to second-guess becoming an organ donorWhy Dante's Peak cost 26M more than thisAll the goss[pel] on Disciples, Apostles and EvangelistsThe infuriating trope of small children becoming inexplicably paralysed in the path of destruction instead of running away from the destruction, necessitating an adult character with a functioning brain to risk their life by entering the path of destruction to forcibly mobilise them.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we eventually hit PLAY @ 06:30)

Rita and Joe continue chasing volcanoes after a lava bomb blows up their wife and talk over the 1997 volcano disaster flick, Dante's Peak.

If you have friends in your life but you're not currently receiving benefits from them, it's time to ask yourself, and them, why. Because according to this true story, starring JT and MK, the only difficulty in maintaining such a relationship will be limited to ensuring you never badmouth the other party whilst they're hiding in a magic box within earshot.No relationship. No emotions. Just mindless commentary.And an answer to the immortal question: WHICH IS THE BETTER TWIN???Discussed in this episode:Is JT a D?Buttcrack doublingJustin's genius-level, one-of-a-kind, fiercely-sought-after skillset: choosing the right free-for-commercial-use header images for worthless online clickbait articles.Recurring lightning bolt imagery, symbolising the destructive electrical current inherent to casual bonkingThe two big twists that would make this movie spectacular"Friends" for a few days/weeks before commencing obligation-free sex = an ordinary physical relationship ≠ friends with benefitsDunkyourtitinsoup.comMe Myself and erect peeingSoberly bringing an insane armpit-breathing psychopath home from the bar, because if it happens off-camera, it doesn't have to make senseOverqualified supporting cast-membersConflict-starved filmsThe required-by-rom-com-law third act race to get to the spurned love interest, even when time is not actually an issueThe Oncologist With Benefits alternative version(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 04:51)

Why the F-buddies are we doing this film? Well, I hear you. Actually I don't - there's no one out there. But regardless, the reason is thus: We're doing a bunchload of "TWIN" films - no, not The Parent Trap or that Schwarzenegger/DeVito joint - I'm talking about the phenomenon of separate films that released the same year that somehow or other shared the exact same high-concept premise. In this case, "friends-who-also-bang", with the twin film being Friends With Benefits (2011). Should have been Friends With Bangefits (2069). I need to be euthanised.Discussed in this episode:The Who Falls First? gameWhore™ - "Just [get paid to] do it"Four individuals who make a conscious choice not to cover up an unconscious naked man on their couch with a blanket or towelSubtitles for the hard-of-swearing"I have to shoot ANOTHER sex scene with Natalie Portman?? Damn my job sucks!!!" - Ashton Kutcher, soberRom-com friend > rom-com leadHospital on-call rooms: bring a Hazmat suitInstrumenstruationFish mouthFlava Flav, paradigm of menKevin Kline's Back-To-The-Future-flavoured schizophrenic delusionNatalie Portman producing a film that makes her look like a volatile, stalking, pathetic psycho while multiple characters sing the praises of Ashton Kutcher's "big heart", despite all evidence to the contrary(if you want to sync it up to the film, we eventually hit PLAY @ 07:57)

Episode IX! (pronounced icks!, as in "icks, get it off me!") The final chapter. The final episode. All roads led here. Well, except for the road that Rian Johnson masterfully constructed in the previous film. And the road that the Original Trilogy carved out that put a definite dead end on the lane belonging to the character of Palpatine. But all the other roads led here!It's time to close out the Skywalker Saga in style, with Kylo's reforged (by a chimp) ridiculous helmet, Leia's off-cuts, Rose erasure, blink-and-you'll-miss-it same-sex intimacy representation, Chewie disrespected with a fake-out death then paid off with a meaningless bronze participation medal from a random character that's still 42 years too late.The first lines of the opening crawl should have read:The toxic fans spoke! Loudly and often! And Disney listened!Discussed in this episode:The dead speak! In the game Fortnite! DJ Palps rockin' the airwaves!Cape-wearing weirdosSnokes - buy 2 get 1 free! [*warning: Snoking is damaging to your health]How astronauts showerLeia the SphinxWait - how did Kylo and his discarded helmet make it off Starkiller Base before it exploded?Video game fetch quest plottingEssential jetpack-trooper take-off springboardsPalpatine's sex talkC3PO's impossible-to-override safe-search functionWhen I get that feelin', I want Force Healin'... ♫Palpatine's HorcruxesKylo's imperviousness to whiplashPoe not being gay, but having a face obscuration fetishRey miraculously standing in the exact perfect spot to align a one-function Swiss Army dagger with a distant landmark as part of another one of Luke's pointless Easter Egg huntsHard Light Force Ghosts - living your best afterlifeKylo's Japanese influencesDark Rey, Dark BaeKylo's useless lightsaber crossbarsRey wanting to take Kylo's hand, but not in a Vader-Luke senseFair-weather Resistance alliesDinosaur coinsHow the most victorious moment of the final battle, when every spaceship in the galaxy shows up (late) to help, is really just another example of this trilogy's complete disrespect for the perils of lightspeed travelPalpatine's chronic indecision and magical wardrobe change (what's the secret of The Emperor's New Clothes? I have no f***ing idea.)The overarching problem of the SequelsWedge Antilles' most impressive manoeuvre: doing a blistering 180 on his pouty decision to not appear in this trilogy.(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 02:53)

We missed a week because LIFE intervened (Toon Sandwich LIFE) but we're back in Force for the 🎊🥂60th Episode🍾🎉 of Commentary Fairy to delve into the least controversial film in the Star Wars canon. Haters gonna hate, but lovers gonna love, and according to the Beatles that's all you need. That, and green sea cow titty milk dribbling down your chin.Discussed in this episode:General Hugs, the plush toySlow spaceships, powered by suspenseSnoke's hologram-specific Napoleon ComplexWater submersion - the galaxy's cure-allChewbacca translatedOut-of-context Alec Guinness syllablesSexed-up lost-button man-cleavageThe Anakin of porgsMaz's active war and sex lifePorgs, thala-sirens and caretakers - who would you rather?Forcetime chattingBenicio Del T-T-T-ToroWorld Heritage Listed Killer Irish PuffinsStar War Profiteers™ - the new trilogySnoke's impeccable mind-bridge timing, exploiting Kylo's shirtless allureThe First Order paying top dollar for information from a trespassing, vandalising thief that they could have just as easily attained by looking out their windowSuicidally loyal Praetorian GuardsProgressive, positive, inclusive, intelligent messages that the next film balances by rewriting those messages into ones that are regressive, negative, excluding and dumb.Gold dice, chained together to render them useless as dice - Han Solo's most recognisable possession that he wasn't wearing when he diedLuke being a little too secretive about his stalling strategy with the people whose escape he's buying time for by sacrificing his lifeCrystal Fox Poachers™ - the new trilogyReason given for da Force: reconcilable differencesChewbacca consultingPalpatine's long-distance Force f***ing(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 03:26)

In 2016, Disney took the Reyns of the Star Wars universe, at a price of 2 billion USD per rein, and awoke a force that had lain dormant since 1983 - widespread critical acclaim for a new Star Wars movie.Is it a carbonite-copy of the original Star Wars (1977)? Perhaps.Was that necessary to remind us why we fell in love with Star Wars in the first place after the digitally-rendered, green-screen pantomime of the Prequels? Perhaps.Are you just answering "Perhaps" because you're too afraid to commit to an opinion? Perhaps.Discussed in this episode:Luke's REAL nameGeneral appreciation for General HuxThe origin of Kylo Ren's themeShot in IMAX™. Transferred in IMIN™."Luke Skywalker has run away in shame and embarrassment."Welcome to the KanjiklubRathtar v RancorIs Finn a love interest/disinterest?Stopping the film to deliver fresh fan serviceRebellion v Empire, Resistance v First Order - Same shit, different trilogy."Kee-lo" Ren, as read by Mark HamillPlanning your trilogy ahead of time by-- wait, no they didn't.The classic two-pieces-to-the-secret-location-map bit that always brings into question whether one actually requires BOTH pieces to find the secret location Kenny Baker's R2-D2 consulting firmGary Oldman's failed audition for Unnamed USB Stick GivererJ.J.'s actor-specific performance tipsMark Hamill's complete salary breakdownHarrison Ford finally getting his decades-long wish for Han Solo to die(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 04:04)

This Sith just got real.Anakin is akin to an anarchist. Kenobi can't cope-y. Padme's padded with meat. Palpatine's patina is palpably paler and infused with pure evil. Mace may suffer. Yoda is daft, yo. Chewie's back, ya. R2 and Threepio are too third-tier to pee on. Grievous, we can agree, is arse. Dooku is duped into being coup doo-doo.So ends the Prequel Trilogy - leglessly sliding backwards down a gentle decline to kiss the lava's edge of a molten river and going up like a marshmallow in a dumpster fire.Discussed in this episode:Life's an Old beach, by M. Night ShyamalanJoe's pleading innocent to cinema bootlegging and being acquitted on a technicalityThe grotesqueness of Tusken Raider females driving hypocritical Tusken Raider males to seek gratification from other species13 Lives + 1 life blissfully ignorant of the flooding of his own cityAmputation traumaThe Clone Wars animated series, created by people who were also in charge of the Prequels in a better universeThe Millennium Falcon's broken continuityKeeping your secret marriage and pregnancy and 28-room penthouse on the DLOur Darth monikersJedi Master Mean GirlsKiss, Shag, Marry with the male/female leads of each TrilogyIan McDiarmid breaking the ham barrierHow the death of the Jedi could easily have been prevented if they'd bothered to read the fine print of Kamino's Orders 1-100 production reportHigh ground, low logicObi-Wan's visit to a Tatooine mole removal clinicYoda enforcing life-long solitude on Obi-WanLeia living in the lap of luxury on Alderaan and Luke languishing in low-income loneliness on Tatooine (with people responsible for his grandmother's death)Ewok adventures!Rancor piercing(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 04:25)

The greatest romance in the history of space fantasy......would have to be our Thor Love and Thunder Trailer Spoof. This film is more like How To Lose A Girl In 200+ Creepy Looks And Angry Entitlement And Pro-Dictatorship Declarations Except It Doesn't Work And She Falls Hard For You So Who Replaced Her Brain With Sand?!?? Well It Is Dry And Coarse And Gets Everywhere, Including Inside Padme's Skull Apparently.It's time for... Forbidden love! Secret clone army contracts! Dex's Diner! Locusts who love sport! Christopher Lee's digital stand-in! and of course, Shmi's month-long abduction for the purposes of... err... hey this movie's Made For Kids - they were just giving her an extended time-out.Discussed in this episode:Where are Amidala's parents?Kung Fu PandakinThe 900-year-old VirginThe most rapid growth spurt in cinema since Walter Donovan chose the wrong GrailAcreage ownership on CoruscantSingle-environment planetsThe screenwriting genealogy of clone troopersTick cows? Check.Who should have been cast as Anakin?The dark side of Cliegg LarsPadme's big turn-ons: negging incels, and murderers of not just men, but women and children as a bonus."Wish we had a clone army... oh here's one! Where'd it come from and who made it? Ah, who cares - I'm sure it's not important."Christopher Lee - polyglot stabbing expertHey, check out these exquisite abs before they get all preggers! Oh there's a costume obstructing your view? Not to worry - we have a cat-lizard!R2-D2 putting you in peril, then rescuing you from the peril he put you in. The Threepio-R2 bromance is built on a pillar of psychological manipulation.The real reason Sam Jackson got a purple lightsaberC3PO's Best Man speech9-year-old Anakin's language programming skills, putting Chris Lee to shameLucas' clone army of yes men(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 03:19)

1999 was a great year for movies. It was also the year of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. Anticipation couldn't have been more feverish. Expectations couldn't have been higher. George Lucas couldn't have been richer. But like Jar Jar Binks stepping barefoot in a soft turd and exclaiming "ooh! Icky goo!", all hopes vanished like an eopie fart in a Tatooine sandstorm.Discussed in this episode:Redeeming musical and technical qualities!Jedis and Tatooine hermits shopping at the same storeProblematic accents that can't be racial stereotypes because the characters aren't from Earth ... right...?The life-altering effects of appearing in this film, negatively speakingNatalie Knightley and Keira Portman, and the difficulty distinguishing between the two if you happen to be 200 metres away and blindfoldedFree range slavesMidichlorians. The sure-fire cure for mystery and magic.The most annoying thing about Jar Jar according to Rita: the skirtShmi-Gon. For the adults.Harvard University throwing out honorary awards to rub shoulders with pop starsAnakin's Interstellar-style black-hole-proximity growth spurtQueen Androidala and her digitally-lowered voiceLow-resistance force fieldsWhere my Gungan ladies at?Seahorse sexManipulative directors and their secret rooms and wooden boxes, similar to vampiresJoe becoming THX certifiable(if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 05:10)